xevion/the-office
1
0
Fork 0
mirror of https://github.com/Xevion/the-office.git synced 2025-12-15 12:13:32 -06:00
Code Issues Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity
Files
dadaa3b5ee1ee54578b69eb55512b0eb1569901f
the-office/the_office/data/html/3-18.html
Xevion dadaa3b5ee begin to start app backend
2020-08-01 16:29:04 -05:00

1501 lines
143 KiB
HTML
Raw Blame History

This file contains invisible Unicode characters
This file contains invisible Unicode characters that are indistinguishable to humans but may be processed differently by a computer. If you think that this is intentional, you can safely ignore this warning. Use the Escape button to reveal them.
<!DOCTYPE html>
<html class="no-js" lang="en-US">
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<meta http-equiv="x-ua-compatible" content="ie=edge">
<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1, shrink-to-fit=no">
<link rel="profile" href="https://gmpg.org/xfn/11" />
<link rel="pingback" href="https://www.officequotes.net/xmlrpc.php" />
<!--wordpress head-->
<title>Season 3 - Episode 18 &quot;The Negotiation&quot; - OfficeQuotes.net</title>
<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v13.1 - https://yoast.com/wordpress/plugins/seo/ -->
<meta name="robots" content="max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1"/>
<link rel="canonical" href="https://www.officequotes.net/no3-18.php" />
<meta property="og:locale" content="en_US" />
<meta property="og:type" content="article" />
<meta property="og:title" content="Season 3 - Episode 18 &quot;The Negotiation&quot; - OfficeQuotes.net" />
<meta property="og:description" content="Written by Michael Schur Directed by Jeffrey Blitz Karen: So do you want to see it or not? Jim: I don&#8217;t know. Feel like&#8230; Friday night crowds&#8230; Karen: Oh my God, you&#8217;re like, agoraphobic. Jim: Agoraphobic? Karen: Yeah. Jim: Really? Karen: Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than &hellip;" />
<meta property="og:url" content="https://www.officequotes.net/no3-18.php" />
<meta property="og:site_name" content="OfficeQuotes.net" />
<meta property="article:section" content="Uncategorized" />
<meta property="article:published_time" content="2020-03-03T19:20:33+00:00" />
<meta name="twitter:card" content="summary_large_image" />
<meta name="twitter:description" content="Written by Michael Schur Directed by Jeffrey Blitz Karen: So do you want to see it or not? Jim: I don&#8217;t know. Feel like&#8230; Friday night crowds&#8230; Karen: Oh my God, you&#8217;re like, agoraphobic. Jim: Agoraphobic? Karen: Yeah. Jim: Really? Karen: Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than &hellip;" />
<meta name="twitter:title" content="Season 3 - Episode 18 &quot;The Negotiation&quot; - OfficeQuotes.net" />
<script type='application/ld+json' class='yoast-schema-graph yoast-schema-graph--main'>{"@context":"https://schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https://www.officequotes.net/#website","url":"https://www.officequotes.net/","name":"OfficeQuotes.net","inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":{"@type":"SearchAction","target":"https://www.officequotes.net/?s={search_term_string}","query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://www.officequotes.net/no3-18.php#webpage","url":"https://www.officequotes.net/no3-18.php","name":"Season 3 - Episode 18 &quot;The Negotiation&quot; - OfficeQuotes.net","isPartOf":{"@id":"https://www.officequotes.net/#website"},"inLanguage":"en-US","datePublished":"2020-03-03T19:20:33+00:00","dateModified":"2020-03-03T19:20:33+00:00","author":{"@id":"https://www.officequotes.net/#/schema/person/79ba6f04ebd8be514bf75b1af89a372f"}},{"@type":["Person"],"@id":"https://www.officequotes.net/#/schema/person/79ba6f04ebd8be514bf75b1af89a372f","name":"admin","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https://www.officequotes.net/#authorlogo","inLanguage":"en-US","url":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/8040f5ed50d5202e3d63948e025063d0?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"admin"},"sameAs":[]}]}</script>
<!-- / Yoast SEO plugin. -->
<link rel='dns-prefetch' href='//s.w.org' />
<link rel="alternate" type="application/rss+xml" title="OfficeQuotes.net &raquo; Feed" href="https://www.officequotes.net/feed/" />
<script type="text/javascript">
window._wpemojiSettings = {"baseUrl":"https:\/\/s.w.org\/images\/core\/emoji\/12.0.0-1\/72x72\/","ext":".png","svgUrl":"https:\/\/s.w.org\/images\/core\/emoji\/12.0.0-1\/svg\/","svgExt":".svg","source":{"concatemoji":"https:\/\/www.officequotes.net\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-emoji-release.min.js?ver=5.3.2"}};
!function(e,a,t){var r,n,o,i,p=a.createElement("canvas"),s=p.getContext&&p.getContext("2d");function c(e,t){var a=String.fromCharCode;s.clearRect(0,0,p.width,p.height),s.fillText(a.apply(this,e),0,0);var r=p.toDataURL();return s.clearRect(0,0,p.width,p.height),s.fillText(a.apply(this,t),0,0),r===p.toDataURL()}function l(e){if(!s||!s.fillText)return!1;switch(s.textBaseline="top",s.font="600 32px Arial",e){case"flag":return!c([127987,65039,8205,9895,65039],[127987,65039,8203,9895,65039])&&(!c([55356,56826,55356,56819],[55356,56826,8203,55356,56819])&&!c([55356,57332,56128,56423,56128,56418,56128,56421,56128,56430,56128,56423,56128,56447],[55356,57332,8203,56128,56423,8203,56128,56418,8203,56128,56421,8203,56128,56430,8203,56128,56423,8203,56128,56447]));case"emoji":return!c([55357,56424,55356,57342,8205,55358,56605,8205,55357,56424,55356,57340],[55357,56424,55356,57342,8203,55358,56605,8203,55357,56424,55356,57340])}return!1}function d(e){var t=a.createElement("script");t.src=e,t.defer=t.type="text/javascript",a.getElementsByTagName("head")[0].appendChild(t)}for(i=Array("flag","emoji"),t.supports={everything:!0,everythingExceptFlag:!0},o=0;o<i.length;o++)t.supports[i[o]]=l(i[o]),t.supports.everything=t.supports.everything&&t.supports[i[o]],"flag"!==i[o]&&(t.supports.everythingExceptFlag=t.supports.everythingExceptFlag&&t.supports[i[o]]);t.supports.everythingExceptFlag=t.supports.everythingExceptFlag&&!t.supports.flag,t.DOMReady=!1,t.readyCallback=function(){t.DOMReady=!0},t.supports.everything||(n=function(){t.readyCallback()},a.addEventListener?(a.addEventListener("DOMContentLoaded",n,!1),e.addEventListener("load",n,!1)):(e.attachEvent("onload",n),a.attachEvent("onreadystatechange",function(){"complete"===a.readyState&&t.readyCallback()})),(r=t.source||{}).concatemoji?d(r.concatemoji):r.wpemoji&&r.twemoji&&(d(r.twemoji),d(r.wpemoji)))}(window,document,window._wpemojiSettings);
</script>
<style type="text/css">
img.wp-smiley,
img.emoji {
display: inline !important;
border: none !important;
box-shadow: none !important;
height: 1em !important;
width: 1em !important;
margin: 0 .07em !important;
vertical-align: -0.1em !important;
background: none !important;
padding: 0 !important;
}
</style>
<link rel='stylesheet' id='wp-block-library-css' href='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-includes/css/dist/block-library/style.min.css?ver=5.3.2' type='text/css' media='all' />
<link rel='stylesheet' id='wp-block-library-theme-css' href='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-includes/css/dist/block-library/theme.min.css?ver=5.3.2' type='text/css' media='all' />
<link rel='stylesheet' id='bootstrap-basic4-wp-main-css' href='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-content/themes/bootstrap-basic4/style.css?ver=1.2.5' type='text/css' media='all' />
<link rel='stylesheet' id='bootstrap4-css' href='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-content/themes/bootstrap-basic4/assets/css/bootstrap.min.css?ver=4.4.1' type='text/css' media='all' />
<link rel='stylesheet' id='bootstrap-basic4-font-awesome5-css' href='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-content/themes/bootstrap-basic4/assets/fontawesome/css/all.min.css?ver=5.12.1' type='text/css' media='all' />
<link rel='stylesheet' id='bootstrap-basic4-main-css' href='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-content/themes/bootstrap-basic4/assets/css/main.css?ver=1.2.5' type='text/css' media='all' />
<script type='text/javascript' src='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-includes/js/jquery/jquery.js?ver=1.12.4-wp'></script>
<script type='text/javascript' src='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-includes/js/jquery/jquery-migrate.min.js?ver=1.4.1'></script>
<link rel='https://api.w.org/' href='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-json/' />
<link rel="EditURI" type="application/rsd+xml" title="RSD" href="https://www.officequotes.net/xmlrpc.php?rsd" />
<link rel="wlwmanifest" type="application/wlwmanifest+xml" href="https://www.officequotes.net/wp-includes/wlwmanifest.xml" />
<meta name="generator" content="WordPress 5.3.2" />
<link rel='shortlink' href='https://www.officequotes.net/?p=99' />
<link rel="alternate" type="application/json+oembed" href="https://www.officequotes.net/wp-json/oembed/1.0/embed?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.officequotes.net%2Fno3-18.php" />
<link rel="alternate" type="text/xml+oembed" href="https://www.officequotes.net/wp-json/oembed/1.0/embed?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.officequotes.net%2Fno3-18.php&#038;format=xml" />
<!--end wordpress head-->
<!-- Global site tag (gtag.js) - Google Analytics -->
<script async src="https://www.googletagmanager.com/gtag/js?id=UA-123167577-1"></script>
<script>
window.dataLayer = window.dataLayer || [];
function gtag(){dataLayer.push(arguments);}
gtag('js', new Date());
gtag('config', 'UA-123167577-1');
</script>
<script type="text/javascript" src="//cdn.thisiswaldo.com/static/js/4342.js"></script>
<!-- place before </head> -->
<script async='async' src='https://www.googletagservices.com/tag/js/gpt.js'></script>
<script>
var googletag = googletag || {};
googletag.cmd = googletag.cmd || [];
</script>
<script>
googletag.cmd.push(function() {
var videoSizeMapping = googletag.sizeMapping().addSize([0, 0], [300, 291]).addSize([320, 700], [300, 291]).addSize([1050, 200], [566, 387]).build();
googletag.defineSlot('/8491498/Officequotes_video', [1, 1], 'div-gpt-ad-49421563887180-0').defineSizeMapping(videoSizeMapping).addService(googletag.pubads());
googletag.pubads().enableSingleRequest();
googletag.pubads().collapseEmptyDivs();
googletag.enableServices();
});
</script>
</head>
<body data-rsssl=1 class="post-template-default single single-post postid-99 single-format-standard wp-embed-responsive">
<div class="container page-container">
<header class="page-header page-header-sitebrand-topbar">
<div class="row row-with-vspace site-branding">
<div class="page-header-top-right">
<div class="sr-only">
<a href="#content" title="Skip to content">Skip to content</a>
</div>
<div id="text-8" class="widget widget_text"> <div class="textwidget"><p><a href="/"><img class="aligncenter wp-image-14 size-full" src="/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/banner10question.jpg" alt="" width="750" height="182" /></a></p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="clearfix"></div>
</div>
</div><!--.site-branding-->
<!-- the navigation is skipped due to there is no menu or active widgets on navbar-right. -->
<div id="random-quote"><script>
<!--
function random_text()
{};
var random_text = new random_text();
// Set the number of text strings to zero to start
var number = 0;
// Incremental list of all possible Text
random_text[number++] = "I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair."
random_text[number++] = "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!"
random_text[number++] = "Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you. "
random_text[number++] = "I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager. "
random_text[number++] = "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."
random_text[number++] = "Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! FALSE. I do not miss him."
random_text[number++] = "No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded."
random_text[number++] = "Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude."
random_text[number++] = "I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman."
random_text[number++] = "That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you."
random_text[number++] = "I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?"
random_text[number++] = "The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays."
random_text[number++] = "That's what she said. Or he said."
random_text[number++] = "I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?"
random_text[number++] = "No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer."
random_text[number++] = "Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ."
random_text[number++] = "You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin."
random_text[number++] = "I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third."
random_text[number++] = "They always want credit for something they supposed to do! What you want a cookie?"
random_text[number++] = "'...in this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck. He's going to lose it when he reads that."
random_text[number++] = "This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here."
random_text[number++] = "Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "Come on, Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on."
random_text[number++] = "You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended."
random_text[number++] = "That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive."
random_text[number++] = "Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."
random_text[number++] = "Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
random_text[number++] = "He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom."
random_text[number++] = "I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion."
random_text[number++] = "Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
random_text[number++] = "It's an epidemic."
random_text[number++] = "Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, hey, everybody. Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh!"
random_text[number++] = "OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?"
random_text[number++] = "See I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?"
random_text[number++] = "I think green is kind of whoreish."
random_text[number++] = "Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so..."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath."
random_text[number++] = "One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision."
random_text[number++] = "He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself."
random_text[number++] = "I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box."
random_text[number++] = "And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt."
random_text[number++] = "Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine."
random_text[number++] = "Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0."
random_text[number++] = "Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike."
random_text[number++] = "Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?"
random_text[number++] = "Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? "
random_text[number++] = "I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?"
random_text[number++] = "Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great."
random_text[number++] = "Who? Dave Barry?"
random_text[number++] = "It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk."
random_text[number++] = "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it."
random_text[number++] = "And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!"
random_text[number++] = "This says 'Bushiest Beaver.'"
random_text[number++] = "No, no. Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink!"
random_text[number++] = "And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WOOOOOOOO!"
random_text[number++] = "I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms."
random_text[number++] = "Every so often, Jim dies of boredom."
random_text[number++] = "You see Dwight's coffee mug? Sometimes when he's not here I try to throw things in it."
random_text[number++] = "You try and hurt Mozart, you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. "
random_text[number++] = "Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?'"
random_text[number++] = "We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I got a game. It's called work hard so my kids can go to college."
random_text[number++] = "I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants."
random_text[number++] = "If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton."
random_text[number++] = "There's a basic principle in real estate. That you should never be the best looking person in the development."
random_text[number++] = "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?"
random_text[number++] = "I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you."
random_text[number++] = "Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. "
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom. Gay friendly."
random_text[number++] = "No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble."
random_text[number++] = "You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?"
random_text[number++] = "I tried hopping Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to"
random_text[number++] = "Ok, see you later, Pan."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, please. I have Country Crock."
random_text[number++] = "Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!"
random_text[number++] = "Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. And he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel."
random_text[number++] = "He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works."
random_text[number++] = "I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick..."
random_text[number++] = "The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion."
random_text[number++] = "Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese."
random_text[number++] = "You can't fire me. I don't work in this van!"
random_text[number++] = "Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"
random_text[number++] = "Me so horny. Me love you long tim."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?"
random_text[number++] = "I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.'"
random_text[number++] = "Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down."
random_text[number++] = "Let's go. The men's room was disgusting."
random_text[number++] = "No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear."
random_text[number++] = "We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time."
random_text[number++] = "'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Who knows how words are formed."
random_text[number++] = "Um... Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi."
random_text[number++] = "You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!"
random_text[number++] = "I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays."
random_text[number++] = "You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence."
random_text[number++] = "And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'"
random_text[number++] = "I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow."
random_text[number++] = "But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... "
random_text[number++] = "Oomp-a-Loomp-a-Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome."
random_text[number++] = "Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doopity-doomp."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed."
random_text[number++] = "One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered."
random_text[number++] = "And when I came to, I had an epiphery."
random_text[number++] = "Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever."
random_text[number++] = "You just twist your hand until something breaks."
random_text[number++] = "Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. We will demonstrate on Pam."
random_text[number++] = "This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. ... So I am instituting prima nocta."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay."
random_text[number++] = "It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys."
random_text[number++] = "It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck."
random_text[number++] = "Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever."
random_text[number++] = "Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies."
random_text[number++] = "SHUT UP ANGELA!"
random_text[number++] = "Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats."
random_text[number++] = "Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings."
random_text[number++] = "Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'"
random_text[number++] = "Michael, Dwight would like your man meat."
random_text[number++] = "You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art."
random_text[number++] = "You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag."
random_text[number++] = "Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?"
random_text[number++] = "I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure."
random_text[number++] = "Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't."
random_text[number++] = "She's prettier than you though."
random_text[number++] = "That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin."
random_text[number++] = "Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "Not that we're all millionaires. ...I'm probably closest."
random_text[number++] = "Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really."
random_text[number++] = "Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!"
random_text[number++] = "No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair."
random_text[number++] = "Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base."
random_text[number++] = "It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five."
random_text[number++] = "Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool."
random_text[number++] = "Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?"
random_text[number++] = "When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too."
random_text[number++] = "Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is."
random_text[number++] = "And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you."
random_text[number++] = "What a pair of Mary's."
random_text[number++] = "Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes."
random_text[number++] = "You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?"
random_text[number++] = "Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time."
random_text[number++] = "Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over."
random_text[number++] = "AM or PM?"
random_text[number++] = "Three hundred and sixty four days, till the next Pretzel Day."
random_text[number++] = "'Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.'"
random_text[number++] = "New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name."
random_text[number++] = "It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes!"
random_text[number++] = "I hooked up with her on February 13th."
random_text[number++] = "Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there."
random_text[number++] = "You mean, like a ham?"
random_text[number++] = "Great Scott!"
random_text[number++] = "Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving."
random_text[number++] = "You're evil, like a hobbit."
random_text[number++] = "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
random_text[number++] = "Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went."
random_text[number++] = "I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October."
random_text[number++] = "In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing."
random_text[number++] = "Do you want us to run aground, woman?!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Let's break up."
random_text[number++] = "Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication."
random_text[number++] = "BFD. Engaged ain't married."
random_text[number++] = "Never, ever, ever give up."
random_text[number++] = "If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?"
random_text[number++] = "Kevin! That's inappropriate."
random_text[number++] = "Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both."
random_text[number++] = "I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis."
random_text[number++] = "Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
random_text[number++] = "Is your password Frodo? Did you just change it to Gollum?"
random_text[number++] = "Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So..."
random_text[number++] = "This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head."
random_text[number++] = "I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? ... I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding."
random_text[number++] = "This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right."
random_text[number++] = "Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers."
random_text[number++] = "You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job!"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword!'"
random_text[number++] = "Please don't throw garbage at me."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, there he is! Secret weapon!"
random_text[number++] = "Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those!"
random_text[number++] = "Same team, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend!"
random_text[number++] = "Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister."
random_text[number++] = "Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right?"
random_text[number++] = "And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer."
random_text[number++] = "It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom."
random_text[number++] = "I don't believe you. Continue."
random_text[number++] = "We've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day."
random_text[number++] = "Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people."
random_text[number++] = "There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays."
random_text[number++] = "Why are you the way that you are?"
random_text[number++] = "Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way."
random_text[number++] = "I hate so much about the things that you choose to be."
random_text[number++] = "Guys, the Afghanistananies."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried."
random_text[number++] = "And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Dinkin' flicka."
random_text[number++] = "You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say."
random_text[number++] = "We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?"
random_text[number++] = "Jan Levinson, I presume?"
random_text[number++] = "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson."
random_text[number++] = "Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. Honestly, I love stealing things."
random_text[number++] = "Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all!"
random_text[number++] = "Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows."
random_text[number++] = "Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. ...Did you believe me?"
random_text[number++] = "One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can."
random_text[number++] = "Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers!"
random_text[number++] = "Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator."
random_text[number++] = "I was just... I'm in love with you."
random_text[number++] = "I just needed you to know. Once."
random_text[number++] = "Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that."
random_text[number++] = "Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am."
random_text[number++] = "And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out."
random_text[number++] = "It's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry."
random_text[number++] = "I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
random_text[number++] = "What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So..."
random_text[number++] = "Because in this office, it is 'till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized."
random_text[number++] = "It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor."
random_text[number++] = "Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist."
random_text[number++] = "Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club."
random_text[number++] = "Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true."
random_text[number++] = "OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?"
random_text[number++] = "I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death."
random_text[number++] = "Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable."
random_text[number++] = "When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
random_text[number++] = "And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'."
random_text[number++] = "Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage."
random_text[number++] = "'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'"
random_text[number++] = "'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'"
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end."
random_text[number++] = "And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?"
random_text[number++] = "It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled."
random_text[number++] = "Yeppers."
random_text[number++] = "And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars."
random_text[number++] = "Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it."
random_text[number++] = "Wikipedia... is the best thing ever."
random_text[number++] = "Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius."
random_text[number++] = "I am declining to speak first."
random_text[number++] = "Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants."
random_text[number++] = "So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery."
random_text[number++] = "Make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes."
random_text[number++] = "For example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way over paid."
random_text[number++] = "So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---"
random_text[number++] = "Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go."
random_text[number++] = "What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor."
random_text[number++] = "Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "Jim--- Roy--- Look out!"
random_text[number++] = "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?"
random_text[number++] = "You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex."
random_text[number++] = "It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial."
random_text[number++] = "It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed."
random_text[number++] = "All right, Levinson. Here's the rub."
random_text[number++] = "But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "So look out Dunder Mifflin'! I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... "
random_text[number++] = "You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono."
random_text[number++] = "It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school."
random_text[number++] = "Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs."
random_text[number++] = "I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't."
random_text[number++] = "I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."
random_text[number++] = "Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour."
random_text[number++] = "Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!"
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?"
random_text[number++] = "No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid."
random_text[number++] = "It has to be official, and it has to be urine."
random_text[number++] = "I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair."
random_text[number++] = "And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay?"
random_text[number++] = "A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens."
random_text[number++] = "My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish."
random_text[number++] = "Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!"
random_text[number++] = "When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help!"
random_text[number++] = "Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it."
random_text[number++] = "Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you!"
random_text[number++] = "I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut."
random_text[number++] = "It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's your favorite song."
random_text[number++] = "You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this."
random_text[number++] = "It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal."
random_text[number++] = "Happy birth moment, Michael."
random_text[number++] = "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair."
random_text[number++] = "I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
random_text[number++] = "No cookie.'"
random_text[number++] = "Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner."
random_text[number++] = "Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry."
random_text[number++] = "Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls."
random_text[number++] = "You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense."
random_text[number++] = "Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day."
random_text[number++] = "I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel."
random_text[number++] = "I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
random_text[number++] = "Why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle."
random_text[number++] = "I'm learning that 'fun' for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me."
random_text[number++] = "That's your name? Mister Poop?"
random_text[number++] = "Are you Mother Goose?"
random_text[number++] = "Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life."
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?"
random_text[number++] = "I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend."
random_text[number++] = "I need a username. And... I have a great one. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at."
random_text[number++] = "Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?"
random_text[number++] = "Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke."
random_text[number++] = "'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...'"
random_text[number++] = "It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'."
random_text[number++] = "Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about."
random_text[number++] = "Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me."
random_text[number++] = "The very best of luck to you, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "I always set it at 69."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married."
random_text[number++] = "Blood alone moves the wheels of history!"
random_text[number++] = "WE ARE WARRIORS!"
random_text[number++] = "I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death."
random_text[number++] = "Man, this must be torture for you."
random_text[number++] = "So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation?"
random_text[number++] = "It's Grrrrrrape! Soda."
random_text[number++] = "Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic, order some 'za. Talk about you know who."
random_text[number++] = "Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings."
random_text[number++] = "Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken."
random_text[number++] = "Including prep time?"
random_text[number++] = "If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too."
random_text[number++] = "You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?"
random_text[number++] = "You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me."
random_text[number++] = "You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all."
random_text[number++] = "So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis."
random_text[number++] = "People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust.'"
random_text[number++] = "An emergency like, you have an ice cream cake, and you're in the sun, and it's melting?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't use it to buy refrigerators, Kevin!"
random_text[number++] = "Drew. I'm Drew now."
random_text[number++] = "I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies."
random_text[number++] = "I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!"
random_text[number++] = "And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!'"
random_text[number++] = "Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life."
random_text[number++] = "This is shenanigans, foolishness, NERF-ball. You live a sweet, little, NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it."
random_text[number++] = "What, NERF isn't cool anymore?"
random_text[number++] = "Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant."
random_text[number++] = "You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science."
random_text[number++] = "Indubitably."
random_text[number++] = "Ta-freakin'-da!"
random_text[number++] = "Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato."
random_text[number++] = "Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes."
random_text[number++] = "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss! Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!"
random_text[number++] = "Un-shun. Never. Re-shun."
random_text[number++] = "The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, you ignorant slut."
random_text[number++] = "Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!"
random_text[number++] = "My head is in such pain! And turmoil!"
random_text[number++] = "If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude."
random_text[number++] = "I Braveheart."
random_text[number++] = "I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes."
random_text[number++] = "You look as beautiful as the Queen of England."
random_text[number++] = "We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
random_text[number++] = "Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought."
random_text[number++] = "There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
random_text[number++] = "I look really good in white."
random_text[number++] = "Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning."
random_text[number++] = "Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia."
random_text[number++] = "Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch."
random_text[number++] = "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia."
random_text[number++] = "How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable."
random_text[number++] = "All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever."
random_text[number++] = "I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?"
random_text[number++] = "Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on."
random_text[number++] = "Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it."
random_text[number++] = "He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.'"
random_text[number++] = "I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness."
random_text[number++] = "Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity."
random_text[number++] = "So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga."
random_text[number++] = "I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all."
random_text[number++] = "Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive."
random_text[number++] = "I don't trust you, Phyllis!"
random_text[number++] = "Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny!"
random_text[number++] = "That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?"
random_text[number++] = "It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man."
random_text[number++] = "I think we broke his brain."
random_text[number++] = "No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?"
random_text[number++] = "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!"
random_text[number++] = "You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon."
random_text[number++] = "He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away."
random_text[number++] = "Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing."
random_text[number++] = "Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?"
random_text[number++] = "How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue."
random_text[number++] = "Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... Packer@DunderMifflin.com... Packaging'@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh."
random_text[number++] = "Boring. Call me if she rolls over."
random_text[number++] = "It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.'"
random_text[number++] = "I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah."
random_text[number++] = "I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that."
random_text[number++] = "Did you try the petting zoo?"
random_text[number++] = "Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat."
random_text[number++] = "So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?"
random_text[number++] = "And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well."
random_text[number++] = "Jan, you... complete... me."
random_text[number++] = "What am I going to do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art."
random_text[number++] = "I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks."
random_text[number++] = "You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive."
random_text[number++] = "If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?"
random_text[number++] = "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
random_text[number++] = "May your hats fly as high as your dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on."
random_text[number++] = "Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made."
random_text[number++] = "Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!"
random_text[number++] = "The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... Oh well."
random_text[number++] = "There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel."
random_text[number++] = "If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania."
random_text[number++] = "Or... a Whatchamacallit. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand. Satisfied?"
random_text[number++] = "The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies."
random_text[number++] = "But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."
random_text[number++] = "You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning."
random_text[number++] = "Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease."
random_text[number++] = "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
random_text[number++] = "It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them."
random_text[number++] = "Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art."
random_text[number++] = "Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
random_text[number++] = "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"
random_text[number++] = "I am upset. Don't I sound upset?"
random_text[number++] = "Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime."
random_text[number++] = "Midnight, Oscar!'"
random_text[number++] = "This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-"
random_text[number++] = "I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing."
random_text[number++] = "I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!"
random_text[number++] = "That's what happened to O.J."
random_text[number++] = "I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man."
random_text[number++] = "I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies."
random_text[number++] = "Beer me!"
random_text[number++] = "I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time."
random_text[number++] = "Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet."
random_text[number++] = "Lord, beer me strength."
random_text[number++] = "Those are the money beets."
random_text[number++] = "Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really."
random_text[number++] = "Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony."
random_text[number++] = "May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling."
random_text[number++] = "Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right."
random_text[number++] = "I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline!"
random_text[number++] = "By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team."
random_text[number++] = "If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me."
random_text[number++] = "If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."
random_text[number++] = "I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?"
random_text[number++] = "MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic..."
random_text[number++] = "And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage."
random_text[number++] = "Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key..."
random_text[number++] = "Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm."
random_text[number++] = "Another worm? Like, are they friends?"
random_text[number++] = "Let me smell. ... Good, not great."
random_text[number++] = "So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy."
random_text[number++] = "Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend."
random_text[number++] = "It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces."
random_text[number++] = "Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star."
random_text[number++] = "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No? Then you are an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management."
random_text[number++] = "I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station."
random_text[number++] = "Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?"
random_text[number++] = "I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party."
random_text[number++] = "I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling."
random_text[number++] = "Don't break up you guys, you're great together."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation."
random_text[number++] = "I think I just got flashed."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I'll call the real police."
random_text[number++] = "The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?"
random_text[number++] = "If that's flashing, then lock me up."
random_text[number++] = "Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul."
random_text[number++] = "Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. ... ... I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."
random_text[number++] = "And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me."
random_text[number++] = "For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. "
random_text[number++] = "Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free."
random_text[number++] = "There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. "
random_text[number++] = "And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take."
random_text[number++] = "Phallus?"
random_text[number++] = "Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things."
random_text[number++] = "Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen."
random_text[number++] = "If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?"
random_text[number++] = "Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women."
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited."
random_text[number++] = "Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny."
random_text[number++] = "No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist."
random_text[number++] = "Michael. When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian."
random_text[number++] = "My car, my rules."
random_text[number++] = "I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it."
random_text[number++] = "Many women are competent drivers."
random_text[number++] = "This is what we know'."
random_text[number++] = "I figured. It's cool. I don't <20> I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway."
random_text[number++] = "What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese."
random_text[number++] = "Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome."
random_text[number++] = "I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls."
random_text[number++] = "Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex."
random_text[number++] = "And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it."
random_text[number++] = "You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan?"
random_text[number++] = "Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested."
random_text[number++] = "She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles."
random_text[number++] = "But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked."
random_text[number++] = "I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly."
random_text[number++] = "You know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear."
random_text[number++] = "Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?"
random_text[number++] = "Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute."
random_text[number++] = "Not it. I don't have eggs."
random_text[number++] = "About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?"
random_text[number++] = "It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes... you just gots to get your freak on."
random_text[number++] = "May God guide you in your quest."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt. Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse."
random_text[number++] = "Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, you can't swim in leather pants. I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally."
random_text[number++] = "I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head."
random_text[number++] = "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
random_text[number++] = "If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I hope there will be management parables."
random_text[number++] = "Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know?"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "No, the blue team."
random_text[number++] = "Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him."
random_text[number++] = "There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon."
random_text[number++] = "I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!"
random_text[number++] = "There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking."
random_text[number++] = "Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily."
random_text[number++] = "The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world."
random_text[number++] = "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!"
random_text[number++] = "Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!"
random_text[number++] = "Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team."
random_text[number++] = "If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day."
random_text[number++] = "I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!"
random_text[number++] = "At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units."
random_text[number++] = "How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital."
random_text[number++] = "Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends."
random_text[number++] = "What's different about you? You look worse."
random_text[number++] = "What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut."
random_text[number++] = "Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless."
random_text[number++] = "Pam is... kind of a bitch."
random_text[number++] = "Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... Moon each other."
random_text[number++] = "Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said."
random_text[number++] = "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out."
random_text[number++] = "I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time."
random_text[number++] = "My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem."
random_text[number++] = "Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time."
random_text[number++] = "I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front."
random_text[number++] = "I am gonna be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never."
random_text[number++] = "No. And the sheets are made of fire."
random_text[number++] = "Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town."
random_text[number++] = "You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!"
random_text[number++] = "Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?"
random_text[number++] = "I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers."
random_text[number++] = "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots."
random_text[number++] = "I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement."
random_text[number++] = "That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent."
random_text[number++] = "Cause I am what I am. ... That's Popeye."
random_text[number++] = "I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?"
random_text[number++] = "I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous."
random_text[number++] = "Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger."
random_text[number++] = "That is Beardy."
random_text[number++] = "Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means."
random_text[number++] = "I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'"
random_text[number++] = "So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?"
random_text[number++] = "There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.'"
random_text[number++] = "In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again."
random_text[number++] = "What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?"
random_text[number++] = "The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns."
random_text[number++] = "Is it because of these?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey! You're<i/> unstable!"
random_text[number++] = "David, I did not tell her."
random_text[number++] = "I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. It could work. This could work, really!"
random_text[number++] = "Why is my office black?"
random_text[number++] = "So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere."
random_text[number++] = "This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones."
random_text[number++] = "But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay."
random_text[number++] = "Pam. Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?"
random_text[number++] = "All right. Then... it's a date."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry, what was the question?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage."
random_text[number++] = "No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then?"
random_text[number++] = "We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat."
random_text[number++] = "We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end."
random_text[number++] = "I stole it!"
random_text[number++] = "If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor."
random_text[number++] = "If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!"
random_text[number++] = "Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid."
random_text[number++] = "Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela."
// Create a random number with limits based on the number
// of possible random text strings
var random_number = Math.floor(Math.random() * number);
// Write out the random text to the browser
document.write(random_text[random_number]);
-->
</script></div>
</header><!--.page-header-->
<div class="clearfix" style="margin: 15px 0;text-align: center;"><div id="waldo-tag-4349"></div></div>
<div id="content" class="site-content row row-with-vspace">
<div id="sidebar-left" class="col-md-3">
<aside id="search-2" class="widget widget_search"> <form method="get" action="https://www.officequotes.net/">
<div class="input-group">
<input class="form-control" type="search" name="s" value="" placeholder="Search &hellip;" title="Search &hellip;">
<span class="input-group-append">
<button class="btn btn-outline-secondary" type="submit">Search</button>
</span>
</div>
</form><!--to override this search form, it is in /var/www/html/wp-content/themes/bootstrap-basic4/template-parts/partial-search-form.php --></aside><aside id="text-6" class="widget widget_text"> <div class="textwidget"><p><u><b>Main</b></u></p>
<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
<a href="/specialThanks.php">Special Thanks</a><br />
<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<div>
<div id="waldo-tag-4343"></div>
</div>
<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
</div>
</aside>
</div>
<main id="main" class="col-md-6 site-main" role="main">
<article id="post-99" class="post-99 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-uncategorized">
<header class="entry-header">
<h1 class="entry-title">Season 3 &#8211; Episode 18 &#8220;The Negotiation&#8221;</h1>
<div class="entry-meta">
</div><!-- .entry-meta -->
</header><!-- .entry-header -->
<div class="entry-content">
<p> Written by Michael Schur<br /> Directed by Jeffrey Blitz<br /> <!-- proofed and quoted--> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Karen:</b> So do you want to see it or not?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I don&#8217;t know. Feel like&#8230; Friday night crowds&#8230;<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Oh my God, you&#8217;re like, agoraphobic.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Agoraphobic?<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Really?<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Absolutely correct.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Later, Jim.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Kev, have a good weekend.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Bye. Ok, so this is what&#8217;s gonna happen. You&#8217;re gonna suck it up.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Here we go&#8230;<br /> <b>Karen:</b> &#8230;and we&#8217;re gonna go to dinner.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ok&#8230;<br /> <b>Karen:</b> And then we&#8217;re gonna go to the movies.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Sounds good.<br /> <b>Roy:</b> Hey Halpert!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hey&#8230; [Roy lunges towards Jim]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> ROY!<br /> <b>Karen:</b> [shrieks]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Roy don&#8217;t! [Dwight pepper-sprays Roy]<br /> <b>Roy:</b> [screams in pain] Ahh God!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Pam, please call security! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who&#8217;s laughing now? [Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> No need for consternation, everything is under control.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> [sigh] Is Toby there?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No&#8230;<br /> <b>Toby:</b> I&#8217;m&#8230; here, Jan.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Ok, what&#8230; what is the situation Toby?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won&#8217;t press charges against Roy or the company.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Thank God.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he&#8217;s just using this Roy thing as leverage. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> All right, well are you gonna take care of this?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeppers.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> What did I tell you about &#8220;yeppers?&#8221;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I don&#8217;t&#8230; remember.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeesh&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> I really don&#8217;t want to talk about it. I don&#8217;t mean to be rude, but I just&#8230; I don&#8217;t want to comment on what happened. It <i>sucked</i>. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> I guess&#8230; all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you&#8230; for stopping Roy. Thank you.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay. Um&#8230; Got you something.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Don&#8217;t want it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You don&#8217;t know what it is.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Don&#8217;t want it. Won&#8217;t open it. Don&#8217;t need it. Won&#8217;t take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> No, don&#8217;t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> Angela, Roy&#8217;s check. He&#8217;s coming in later to pick it up.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> It was crazy.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> You saw it? Describe it please.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy&#8217;s by reception and you could just tell he&#8217;s gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight&#8217;s standing there like an action hero.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Oh&#8230;<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> It was insane!<br /> <b>Angela:</b> [flustered] Well&#8230; good for Dwight. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Where&#8217;d you get that?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Wikipedia. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Wikipedia&#8230; is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I&#8217;ve been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hmm, well that&#8217;s interesting Darryl. I think&#8230; [mumbling softly] that maybe you should&#8230; [mumbling jibberish]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I can&#8217;t hear you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What I&#8217;m saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Still nothin&#8217;.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok, see what I did?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Nice.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok, let&#8217;s try another one. Um&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Walking out of the room unexpectedly. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> And what happens in this one? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> It&#8217;s a surprise.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Go ahead, ask me for a raise.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Can I have a raise?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [gets up and begins to walk out of the room]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [softly] Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, what did you say?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I didn&#8217;t say anything. I was waiting to see what happened.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh it&#8230; sounded interesting&#8230; what you were gonna&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Which is where?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator&#8217;s eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Thanks Dwight. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kelly:</b> That is the bravest thing I have ever heard. <br /> <b>Ryan:</b> I can&#8217;t imagine what I would have done.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Well that was funny, that&#8217;s why.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Oh it was?<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Mm-hmm.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer&#8217;s in your apartment in the middle of the night&#8230;<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> &#8230;and you call me, to calm you down&#8230;<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> You know what? I didn&#8217;t&#8212;<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Can you stop&#8230;<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> &#8230;you can just call somebody else &#8217;cause I&#8217;m not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I&#8217;m not.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> There&#8217;s a bunch of people back here, maybe&#8230;<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Well, don&#8217;t talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night&#8230;<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Guys&#8230;<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Toby:</b> I don&#8217;t think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [knock on door] Yeah. <br /> <b>Darryl:</b> You ready for me?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Cool.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know what? Actually, let&#8217;s go into the conference room.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, you know what? Let&#8217;s stay here. No let&#8217;s go&#8230; Yeah let&#8217;s go to the conference room. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws &#8217;em off. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [long pause] I am declining to speak first.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Okay, I&#8217;ll start. It&#8217;s pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I&#8217;m scheduled to get one in six months, but I&#8217;d like that to be moved up to now.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don&#8217;t think corporate is going to go for this right now. <br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Are you wearin&#8217; lady clothes?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What?<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Are you wearin&#8217; lady clothes? Those look like lady&#8230; pants.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, this is a power suit. <br /> <b>Darryl:</b> That there&#8217;s a woman&#8217;s suit.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman&#8217;s clothes. I would not make that mistake again. <br /> <b>Darryl:</b> I&#8217;ma call Roy, man.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ohh&#8230; kay.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> This is gonna make him feel better.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> All right.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> This is too good.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman&#8217;s suit? <br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh my God, that&#8217;s a woman&#8217;s suit!<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> You&#8217;re wearing a woman&#8217;s suit?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, I do, I, I wear men&#8217;s suits, OK? I got this out of a bin. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don&#8217;t think that this is totally just a woman&#8217;s suit. At the very least it&#8217;s bisexual. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> Who makes it?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Uh, [reading the inside of his jacket] MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side&#8230; that&#8217;s the mystery.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Look, it&#8217;s got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Did you see&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Would you stop it, please? <br /> <b>Jim:</b> So, none of that tipped you off?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It&#8217;s European, OK? It&#8217;s a European cut.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Michael, the pants don&#8217;t have any pockets.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, they don&#8217;t. See? [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [Laughing, covering her mouth]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Italians don&#8217;t wear pockets. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> It&#8217;s been a really rough couple of days&#8230; This helps a little. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Karen:</b> Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, I don&#8217;t want to do that because I&#8217;m twice your size anyway.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Um, let&#8217;s just do this in 15 minutes.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Okay, can you just stand right there? [snaps camera phone picture] I gotta send some e-mails. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver&#8217;s seat. And make one tiny mistake, you&#8217;re dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman&#8217;s clothes. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend&#8217;s ass over another woman?<br /> <b>Karen:</b> I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> You must have been scared out of your mind.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Well, you know it happened so fast I didn&#8217;t really have time to be scared.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> What happened, exactly? I wasn&#8217;t here, so I haven&#8217;t really heard the whole story.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Mm-hmm.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> And he&#8217;s a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt. <br /> <b>Angela:</b> [flustered] Goodness. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Karen:</b> When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I&#8217;m not sure which one Jim hated more. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Let&#8217;s get down to business. Why don&#8217;t you tell me why you think you deserve a raise. <br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Well, it&#8217;s simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we&#8217;re shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I&#8217;m pickin&#8217; up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin&#8217; a raise.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [mumbles jibberish]<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> What? I can&#8217;t hear you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [mumbling softly] That was a very good point.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> I can&#8217;t&#8212; what, Mike? Are you&#8212;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Sorry I almost got you killed. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, that was nuts.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It&#8217;s just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Not anymore. It&#8217;s, um&#8230; It&#8217;s completely over now.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> We&#8217;ll see. I&#8217;m sure you guys will&#8230; find you way back to one another someday.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Jim&#8230; I am really&#8230; sorry. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, yeah. Don&#8217;t worry about it. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<!-- WP QUADS Content Ad Plugin v. 1.8.9 -->
<div class="quads-location quads-ad1" id="quads-ad1" style="float:none;margin:15px 0 15px 0;text-align:center;">
<div id="waldo-tag-4347"></div>
</div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Why can&#8217;t I just&#8230; tell you?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Because, that is the way these things are done. In&#8230; films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide&#8212; slide it, yes.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> There you go.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh. [scoffs] Come on. Be serious.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> I am serious, Mike. That&#8217;s a 10% raise. That&#8217;s what I want.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8230; I can&#8217;t give you that, I&#8212; I don&#8217;t make this much.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Come on, be for real Mike.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I don&#8217;t. Want me to prove it to you? There is&#8230; a pay stub.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> [laughs] Are you serious? You&#8217;re earning this?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Plus perks, yes.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. [laughs]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Fourteen years.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Ho-ho! <br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, please, please&#8230;<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Oh, I&#8217;m sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. [texting on cell phone] Ah. [laughs] <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok, let&#8217;s take 15, again. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> A boss&#8217;s salary isn&#8217;t just about money, it is about perks. It&#8230; for example, every year I get a $100 gas card&#8230; Can&#8217;t put a price tag on that. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Ok, if you don&#8217;t want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Boy I&#8212;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what&#8217;s your angle? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> It&#8217;s like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he&#8217;s like an eel. I just can&#8217;t grab onto him. It&#8217;s infuriating. <br /> <b>Karen:</b> Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Well&#8230; yes, that&#8217;s probably what it is. So what do I do?<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Hmm&#8230; I don&#8217;t know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> Michael, here&#8217;s the, uh, $15 I owe you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, thank you.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah. I heard you might need it. So&#8230;<br /> <b>Creed:</b> Here&#8217;s the $40 you gave me.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I didn&#8217;t give you $40.<br /> <b>Creed:</b> In a way you did. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he&#8217;s way overpaid. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Darryl:</b> [on cell phone] Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. [laughing] Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. [hangs up]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. Okay, here&#8217;s the straight&#8230; dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> What?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> That&#8217;s &#8217;cause of you, Mike. They&#8217;re not gonna give the workin&#8217; man more than the boss.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well what am I supposed to do?<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous. <br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put <i>you</i> in charge. Okay, and we&#8217;re shippin&#8217; more now than we ever have.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [exhales] That&#8217;s true.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Yeah that&#8217;s true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know what? I should.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Yeah, you should.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I have been a loyal employee for a long time. <br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Fourteen years long.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know what? I deserve a bump.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Make it happen, cap&#8217;in.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I am makin&#8217; it happen, sergeant. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Creed:</b> I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin&#8217; about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. [Angela rolls her eyes] Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter&#8212;<br /> <b>Angela:</b> You&#8217;re useless. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> Why don&#8217;t we talk next month, after the quarter ends?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, Jan. I&#8217;ve never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I&#8217;ll leave right away.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our&#8230; you know, situation, we&#8217;re gonna need to have a third party present.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, I&#8217;m bringing Darryl.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Da&#8212; Darryl from the warehouse?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Mm-hm.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey, I&#8217;d rather kill myself.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Michael, he&#8217;s your branch&#8217;s HR rep&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I&#8217;ve ever known. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> &#8230;and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don&#8217;t do it. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> [sighs] Fine. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kelly:</b> You are so mean.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> I don&#8217;t know what you&#8217;re talking about.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> No, I said your idea was stupid.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Toby, come on. Let&#8217;s go.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Where?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Where? I&#8217;m gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let&#8217;s go.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? <br /> <b>Toby:</b> Alright.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Don&#8217;t you see why that&#8217;s insane?<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Oh, so I&#8217;m crazy now? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Darryl:</b> Comfortable, Mike?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah. Fine.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> How about you, man. Comfortable?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> No.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [imitating Chris Tucker] Don&#8217;t ever touch a black man&#8217;s radio! &#8230;Chris Tucker. <i>Rush Hour</i>. I won&#8217;t touch yours, by the way.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Thank you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well&#8230;<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> I haven&#8217;t been to New York in a long time.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Mm, the Big Apple.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Maybe I&#8217;ll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> How would we get home?<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Oh you could stay too. He&#8217;s got a big place.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Maybe I&#8217;ll stay.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Mm, it&#8217;s not that big.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well&#8230;<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Busses, though. They get you home quick.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [mouth full of pretzels] Oh, I&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kelly:</b> And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like &#8220;No!&#8221;<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Then what&#8217;d he do? [Kelly&#8217;s phone rings]<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone&#8217;s stories. [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Hunter:</b> Hey guys, Jan is ready for you.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Okay, bring it home now. And don&#8217;t forget the new black man phrase I taught you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity. <br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Yes sir. Remember that. I&#8217;ll be right outside if you need me<br /> <b>Michael:</b> All right. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Darryl:</b> Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I&#8230; just can&#8217;t help myself. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Roy:</b> [to Jim] Hey man, uh&#8230; I&#8217;m sorry. [Jim motions &#8220;Don&#8217;t worry about it&#8221;] [Roy receives his check from Angela] Thanks. [to Pam] Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or&#8230; something?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I don&#8217;t know.<br /> <b>Roy:</b> Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. [Pam nods, meekly]<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> [as Roy is walking out] Jim&#8212; Roy&#8212; Look out!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Thanks, Kev. I&#8217;m good though. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> Thank you, Hunter. [to Michael and Toby] Hello. Come in. [exhales] Ah, Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Who&#8217;s the boy toy?<br /> <b>Jan:</b> That&#8217;s my new assistant.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?<br /> <b>Jan:</b> I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Hi, Jan.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Hi, Toby. [clears throat] First&#8212; [Michael clears his throat] First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pippity poppity.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Right now we can offer you a 6% raise.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Six percent? After all we&#8217;ve been through?<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Oh, God.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I got you&#8230; jade earrings. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> Michael&#8212;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No!<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Michael&#8212;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. [Toby begins to write] [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball? <br /> <b>Toby:</b> Just preparing for the deposition. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Toby:</b> This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Roy:</b> I&#8217;m so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn&#8217;t gonna do anything. But then I&#8230; kept thinkin&#8217; about you two together, and&#8230; I just thought you guys were really good friends, or&#8230; or maybe he was gay or somethin&#8217;&#8230; Not that that&#8217;s wrong.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I&#8217;m sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices. <br /> <b>Roy:</b> So you gonna start datin&#8217; Halpert then?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Um&#8230; no. No, he has a girlfriend. <br /> <b>Roy:</b> Oh yeah&#8230; Wait a minute, you&#8230; broke off our wedding for the guy.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, there were a lot of reasons.<br /> <b>Roy:</b> But you&#8217;re not even gonna try to go out with him? [Pam meekly shakes her head] I don&#8217;t get you Pam.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I know. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> What&#8217;s this?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What&#8217;s what?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. &#8220;Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute&#8221;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Wow. I guess word got around. That&#8217;s a nice&#8230; honor.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There&#8217;s a teddy bear in a policeman&#8217;s cap.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [under his breath] Didn&#8217;t think you&#8217;d notice&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Why don&#8217;t you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me! <br /> <b>Jan:</b> Okay, Michael. Please, why don&#8217;t we just take a break. This is really going nowhere.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I&#8217;m not going anywhere.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Ok, Toby, how about if you&#8230;<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Sure.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Great. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> What&#8217;s wrong with you?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I&#8212;<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well that&#8217;s ridiculous I&#8217;m not gonna make&#8212;<br /> <b>Jan:</b> No, just&#8230; I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ah, so&#8230; All right, Levinson. Here&#8217;s the rub. I would like a 15% raise.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> No. But we can offer you 12.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> But you just said 15. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more&#8230; than just salaries. It&#8217;s about perks. Like having sex with Jan&#8211;<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Michael! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> So you and Bob are looking at a historical house?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Mm-hmm, near the river.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Mm, how many bedrooms?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Four. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> Dwight. Dwight. I&#8217;ve been doing some very interesting reading.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Really?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Mm, good stuff.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could&#8230; read it together.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Sounds&#8230; fun. [they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [scoffs] I&#8230; will never say a word. And now, we are even. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I&#8217;m back. Got a second chance, and I&#8217;m not gonna blow it. [in a forceful voice] So look out Dunder Mifflin! [laughs] [snaps] I mean, look out&#8230; in a fun way! You know, not like, I&#8217;m gonna hurt you&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Hey guys! Guess who&#8217;s back! [Dwight pepper-spray&#8217;s Andy] AHHH! [screams in pain] OH, GOD!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No need to thank me. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who&#8217;s a real hero? Hiro, from <i>Heroes</i>. That&#8217;s a hero. Also, Bono. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <font size="8">Deleted Scenes</font> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can&#8217;t&#8230; I can&#8217;t dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can&#8217;t shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores&#8230; or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don&#8217;t know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s&#8230; socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn&#8217;t have to deal with Missy Elliot. </div>
<!-- WP QUADS Content Ad Plugin v. 1.8.9 -->
<div class="quads-location quads-ad2" id="quads-ad2" style="float:none;margin:15px 0 15px 0;text-align:center;">
<div id='div-gpt-ad-49421563887180-0'>
<script>
googletag.cmd.push(function() { googletag.display('div-gpt-ad-49421563887180-0'); });
</script>
</div>
</div>
<div class="clearfix"></div>
</div><!-- .entry-content -->
<footer class="entry-meta">
<div class="entry-meta-comment-tools">
</div><!--.entry-meta-comment-tools-->
</footer><!-- .entry-meta -->
</article><!-- #post-## -->
</main>
<div id="sidebar-right" class="col-md-3">
<aside id="text-7" class="widget widget_text"> <div class="textwidget"><p><u><b>Main</b></u></p>
<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
<a href="/specialThanks.php">Special Thanks</a><br />
<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<div>
<div id="waldo-tag-4343"></div>
</div>
<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
</div>
</aside><aside id="custom_html-2" class="widget_text widget widget_custom_html"><div class="textwidget custom-html-widget"><p>
<a class="twitter-timeline" data-dnt="true" href="https://twitter.com/officequotesnet" data-widget-id="345117356411981824">@officequotesnet</a>
<script>!function(d,s,id){var js,fjs=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0],p=/^http:/.test(d.location)?'http':'https';if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src=p+"://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js";fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document,"script","twitter-wjs");</script>
</p>
<div style="margin: 10px 0; text-align: center;">
<div id="waldo-tag-4345">
</div>
</div>
<div id="fb-root"></div>
<script>(function(d, s, id) {
var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0];
if (d.getElementById(id)) return;
js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id;
js.src = 'https://connect.facebook.net/en_US/sdk.js#xfbml=1&version=v3.1';
fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs);
}(document, 'script', 'facebook-jssdk'));</script>
<div class="fb-like-box" data-href="http://www.facebook.com/officequotes" data-width="190" data-show-faces="true" data-stream="true" data-header="true"></div>
</div></aside>
</div>
</div><!--.site-content-->
<div id="waldo-tag-4351"></div>
<footer id="site-footer" class="site-footer page-footer">
<div id="footer-row" class="row">
<div class="col-md-6 footer-left">
<div id="text-9" class="widget widget_text"> <div class="textwidget"><p>© 2017 OfficeQuotes.net<br />
Please read my <a href="https://www.officequotes.net/disclaimer.php">disclaimer</a> for legal and copyright information.<br />
Also see my <a href="https://www.officequotes.net/specialThanks.php">Special Thanks</a> page.</p>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="col-md-6 footer-right text-right">
</div>
</div>
</footer><!--.page-footer-->
</div><!--.page-container-->
<!--wordpress footer-->
<script type='text/javascript' src='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-content/themes/bootstrap-basic4/assets/js/bootstrap.bundle.min.js?ver=4.4.1'></script>
<script type='text/javascript' src='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-content/themes/bootstrap-basic4/assets/js/main.js?ver=1.2.5'></script>
<script type='text/javascript' src='https://www.officequotes.net/wp-includes/js/wp-embed.min.js?ver=5.3.2'></script>
<!--end wordpress footer-->
</body>
</html>
Reference in New Issue View Git Blame Copy Permalink