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<meta property="og:description" content="Written by Jennifer Celotta Directed by Paul Feig Michael: It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. [sees man in a turban outside] Oh my God. Ohhh. [dials phone number] Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. [goes out onto office floor] &hellip;" />
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var random_text = new random_text();
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// Incremental list of all possible Text
random_text[number++] = "I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair."
random_text[number++] = "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!"
random_text[number++] = "Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you. "
random_text[number++] = "I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager. "
random_text[number++] = "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."
random_text[number++] = "Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! FALSE. I do not miss him."
random_text[number++] = "No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded."
random_text[number++] = "Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude."
random_text[number++] = "I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman."
random_text[number++] = "That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you."
random_text[number++] = "I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?"
random_text[number++] = "The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays."
random_text[number++] = "That's what she said. Or he said."
random_text[number++] = "I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?"
random_text[number++] = "No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer."
random_text[number++] = "Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ."
random_text[number++] = "You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin."
random_text[number++] = "I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third."
random_text[number++] = "They always want credit for something they supposed to do! What you want a cookie?"
random_text[number++] = "'...in this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck. He's going to lose it when he reads that."
random_text[number++] = "This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here."
random_text[number++] = "Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "Come on, Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on."
random_text[number++] = "You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended."
random_text[number++] = "That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive."
random_text[number++] = "Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."
random_text[number++] = "Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
random_text[number++] = "He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom."
random_text[number++] = "I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion."
random_text[number++] = "Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
random_text[number++] = "It's an epidemic."
random_text[number++] = "Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, hey, everybody. Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh!"
random_text[number++] = "OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?"
random_text[number++] = "See I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?"
random_text[number++] = "I think green is kind of whoreish."
random_text[number++] = "Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so..."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath."
random_text[number++] = "One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision."
random_text[number++] = "He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself."
random_text[number++] = "I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box."
random_text[number++] = "And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt."
random_text[number++] = "Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine."
random_text[number++] = "Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0."
random_text[number++] = "Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike."
random_text[number++] = "Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?"
random_text[number++] = "Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? "
random_text[number++] = "I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?"
random_text[number++] = "Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great."
random_text[number++] = "Who? Dave Barry?"
random_text[number++] = "It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk."
random_text[number++] = "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it."
random_text[number++] = "And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!"
random_text[number++] = "This says 'Bushiest Beaver.'"
random_text[number++] = "No, no. Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink!"
random_text[number++] = "And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WOOOOOOOO!"
random_text[number++] = "I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms."
random_text[number++] = "Every so often, Jim dies of boredom."
random_text[number++] = "You see Dwight's coffee mug? Sometimes when he's not here I try to throw things in it."
random_text[number++] = "You try and hurt Mozart, you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. "
random_text[number++] = "Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?'"
random_text[number++] = "We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I got a game. It's called work hard so my kids can go to college."
random_text[number++] = "I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants."
random_text[number++] = "If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton."
random_text[number++] = "There's a basic principle in real estate. That you should never be the best looking person in the development."
random_text[number++] = "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?"
random_text[number++] = "I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you."
random_text[number++] = "Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. "
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom. Gay friendly."
random_text[number++] = "No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble."
random_text[number++] = "You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?"
random_text[number++] = "I tried hopping Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to"
random_text[number++] = "Ok, see you later, Pan."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, please. I have Country Crock."
random_text[number++] = "Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!"
random_text[number++] = "Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. And he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel."
random_text[number++] = "He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works."
random_text[number++] = "I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick..."
random_text[number++] = "The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion."
random_text[number++] = "Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese."
random_text[number++] = "You can't fire me. I don't work in this van!"
random_text[number++] = "Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"
random_text[number++] = "Me so horny. Me love you long tim."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?"
random_text[number++] = "I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.'"
random_text[number++] = "Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down."
random_text[number++] = "Let's go. The men's room was disgusting."
random_text[number++] = "No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear."
random_text[number++] = "We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time."
random_text[number++] = "'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Who knows how words are formed."
random_text[number++] = "Um... Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi."
random_text[number++] = "You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!"
random_text[number++] = "I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays."
random_text[number++] = "You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence."
random_text[number++] = "And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'"
random_text[number++] = "I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow."
random_text[number++] = "But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... "
random_text[number++] = "Oomp-a-Loomp-a-Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome."
random_text[number++] = "Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doopity-doomp."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed."
random_text[number++] = "One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered."
random_text[number++] = "And when I came to, I had an epiphery."
random_text[number++] = "Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever."
random_text[number++] = "You just twist your hand until something breaks."
random_text[number++] = "Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. We will demonstrate on Pam."
random_text[number++] = "This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. ... So I am instituting prima nocta."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay."
random_text[number++] = "It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys."
random_text[number++] = "It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck."
random_text[number++] = "Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever."
random_text[number++] = "Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies."
random_text[number++] = "SHUT UP ANGELA!"
random_text[number++] = "Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats."
random_text[number++] = "Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings."
random_text[number++] = "Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'"
random_text[number++] = "Michael, Dwight would like your man meat."
random_text[number++] = "You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art."
random_text[number++] = "You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag."
random_text[number++] = "Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?"
random_text[number++] = "I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure."
random_text[number++] = "Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't."
random_text[number++] = "She's prettier than you though."
random_text[number++] = "That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin."
random_text[number++] = "Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "Not that we're all millionaires. ...I'm probably closest."
random_text[number++] = "Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really."
random_text[number++] = "Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!"
random_text[number++] = "No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair."
random_text[number++] = "Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base."
random_text[number++] = "It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five."
random_text[number++] = "Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool."
random_text[number++] = "Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?"
random_text[number++] = "When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too."
random_text[number++] = "Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is."
random_text[number++] = "And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you."
random_text[number++] = "What a pair of Mary's."
random_text[number++] = "Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes."
random_text[number++] = "You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?"
random_text[number++] = "Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time."
random_text[number++] = "Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over."
random_text[number++] = "AM or PM?"
random_text[number++] = "Three hundred and sixty four days, till the next Pretzel Day."
random_text[number++] = "'Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.'"
random_text[number++] = "New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name."
random_text[number++] = "It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes!"
random_text[number++] = "I hooked up with her on February 13th."
random_text[number++] = "Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there."
random_text[number++] = "You mean, like a ham?"
random_text[number++] = "Great Scott!"
random_text[number++] = "Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving."
random_text[number++] = "You're evil, like a hobbit."
random_text[number++] = "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
random_text[number++] = "Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went."
random_text[number++] = "I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October."
random_text[number++] = "In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing."
random_text[number++] = "Do you want us to run aground, woman?!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Let's break up."
random_text[number++] = "Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication."
random_text[number++] = "BFD. Engaged ain't married."
random_text[number++] = "Never, ever, ever give up."
random_text[number++] = "If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?"
random_text[number++] = "Kevin! That's inappropriate."
random_text[number++] = "Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both."
random_text[number++] = "I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis."
random_text[number++] = "Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
random_text[number++] = "Is your password Frodo? Did you just change it to Gollum?"
random_text[number++] = "Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So..."
random_text[number++] = "This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head."
random_text[number++] = "I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? ... I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding."
random_text[number++] = "This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right."
random_text[number++] = "Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers."
random_text[number++] = "You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job!"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword!'"
random_text[number++] = "Please don't throw garbage at me."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, there he is! Secret weapon!"
random_text[number++] = "Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those!"
random_text[number++] = "Same team, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend!"
random_text[number++] = "Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister."
random_text[number++] = "Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right?"
random_text[number++] = "And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer."
random_text[number++] = "It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom."
random_text[number++] = "I don't believe you. Continue."
random_text[number++] = "We've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day."
random_text[number++] = "Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people."
random_text[number++] = "There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays."
random_text[number++] = "Why are you the way that you are?"
random_text[number++] = "Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way."
random_text[number++] = "I hate so much about the things that you choose to be."
random_text[number++] = "Guys, the Afghanistananies."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried."
random_text[number++] = "And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Dinkin' flicka."
random_text[number++] = "You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say."
random_text[number++] = "We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?"
random_text[number++] = "Jan Levinson, I presume?"
random_text[number++] = "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson."
random_text[number++] = "Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. Honestly, I love stealing things."
random_text[number++] = "Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all!"
random_text[number++] = "Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows."
random_text[number++] = "Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. ...Did you believe me?"
random_text[number++] = "One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can."
random_text[number++] = "Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers!"
random_text[number++] = "Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator."
random_text[number++] = "I was just... I'm in love with you."
random_text[number++] = "I just needed you to know. Once."
random_text[number++] = "Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that."
random_text[number++] = "Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am."
random_text[number++] = "And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out."
random_text[number++] = "It's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry."
random_text[number++] = "I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
random_text[number++] = "What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So..."
random_text[number++] = "Because in this office, it is 'till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized."
random_text[number++] = "It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor."
random_text[number++] = "Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist."
random_text[number++] = "Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club."
random_text[number++] = "Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true."
random_text[number++] = "OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?"
random_text[number++] = "I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death."
random_text[number++] = "Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable."
random_text[number++] = "When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
random_text[number++] = "And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'."
random_text[number++] = "Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage."
random_text[number++] = "'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'"
random_text[number++] = "'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'"
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end."
random_text[number++] = "And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?"
random_text[number++] = "It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled."
random_text[number++] = "Yeppers."
random_text[number++] = "And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars."
random_text[number++] = "Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it."
random_text[number++] = "Wikipedia... is the best thing ever."
random_text[number++] = "Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius."
random_text[number++] = "I am declining to speak first."
random_text[number++] = "Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants."
random_text[number++] = "So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery."
random_text[number++] = "Make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes."
random_text[number++] = "For example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way over paid."
random_text[number++] = "So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---"
random_text[number++] = "Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go."
random_text[number++] = "What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor."
random_text[number++] = "Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "Jim--- Roy--- Look out!"
random_text[number++] = "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?"
random_text[number++] = "You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex."
random_text[number++] = "It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial."
random_text[number++] = "It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed."
random_text[number++] = "All right, Levinson. Here's the rub."
random_text[number++] = "But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "So look out Dunder Mifflin'! I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... "
random_text[number++] = "You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono."
random_text[number++] = "It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school."
random_text[number++] = "Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs."
random_text[number++] = "I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't."
random_text[number++] = "I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."
random_text[number++] = "Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour."
random_text[number++] = "Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!"
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?"
random_text[number++] = "No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid."
random_text[number++] = "It has to be official, and it has to be urine."
random_text[number++] = "I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair."
random_text[number++] = "And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay?"
random_text[number++] = "A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens."
random_text[number++] = "My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish."
random_text[number++] = "Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!"
random_text[number++] = "When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help!"
random_text[number++] = "Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it."
random_text[number++] = "Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you!"
random_text[number++] = "I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut."
random_text[number++] = "It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's your favorite song."
random_text[number++] = "You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this."
random_text[number++] = "It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal."
random_text[number++] = "Happy birth moment, Michael."
random_text[number++] = "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair."
random_text[number++] = "I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
random_text[number++] = "No cookie.'"
random_text[number++] = "Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner."
random_text[number++] = "Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry."
random_text[number++] = "Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls."
random_text[number++] = "You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense."
random_text[number++] = "Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day."
random_text[number++] = "I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel."
random_text[number++] = "I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
random_text[number++] = "Why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle."
random_text[number++] = "I'm learning that 'fun' for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me."
random_text[number++] = "That's your name? Mister Poop?"
random_text[number++] = "Are you Mother Goose?"
random_text[number++] = "Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life."
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?"
random_text[number++] = "I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend."
random_text[number++] = "I need a username. And... I have a great one. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at."
random_text[number++] = "Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?"
random_text[number++] = "Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke."
random_text[number++] = "'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...'"
random_text[number++] = "It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'."
random_text[number++] = "Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about."
random_text[number++] = "Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me."
random_text[number++] = "The very best of luck to you, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "I always set it at 69."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married."
random_text[number++] = "Blood alone moves the wheels of history!"
random_text[number++] = "WE ARE WARRIORS!"
random_text[number++] = "I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death."
random_text[number++] = "Man, this must be torture for you."
random_text[number++] = "So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation?"
random_text[number++] = "It's Grrrrrrape! Soda."
random_text[number++] = "Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic, order some 'za. Talk about you know who."
random_text[number++] = "Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings."
random_text[number++] = "Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken."
random_text[number++] = "Including prep time?"
random_text[number++] = "If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too."
random_text[number++] = "You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?"
random_text[number++] = "You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me."
random_text[number++] = "You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all."
random_text[number++] = "So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis."
random_text[number++] = "People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust.'"
random_text[number++] = "An emergency like, you have an ice cream cake, and you're in the sun, and it's melting?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't use it to buy refrigerators, Kevin!"
random_text[number++] = "Drew. I'm Drew now."
random_text[number++] = "I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies."
random_text[number++] = "I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!"
random_text[number++] = "And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!'"
random_text[number++] = "Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life."
random_text[number++] = "This is shenanigans, foolishness, NERF-ball. You live a sweet, little, NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it."
random_text[number++] = "What, NERF isn't cool anymore?"
random_text[number++] = "Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant."
random_text[number++] = "You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science."
random_text[number++] = "Indubitably."
random_text[number++] = "Ta-freakin'-da!"
random_text[number++] = "Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato."
random_text[number++] = "Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes."
random_text[number++] = "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss! Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!"
random_text[number++] = "Un-shun. Never. Re-shun."
random_text[number++] = "The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, you ignorant slut."
random_text[number++] = "Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!"
random_text[number++] = "My head is in such pain! And turmoil!"
random_text[number++] = "If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude."
random_text[number++] = "I Braveheart."
random_text[number++] = "I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes."
random_text[number++] = "You look as beautiful as the Queen of England."
random_text[number++] = "We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
random_text[number++] = "Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought."
random_text[number++] = "There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
random_text[number++] = "I look really good in white."
random_text[number++] = "Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning."
random_text[number++] = "Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia."
random_text[number++] = "Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch."
random_text[number++] = "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia."
random_text[number++] = "How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable."
random_text[number++] = "All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever."
random_text[number++] = "I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?"
random_text[number++] = "Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on."
random_text[number++] = "Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it."
random_text[number++] = "He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.'"
random_text[number++] = "I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness."
random_text[number++] = "Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity."
random_text[number++] = "So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga."
random_text[number++] = "I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all."
random_text[number++] = "Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive."
random_text[number++] = "I don't trust you, Phyllis!"
random_text[number++] = "Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny!"
random_text[number++] = "That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?"
random_text[number++] = "It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man."
random_text[number++] = "I think we broke his brain."
random_text[number++] = "No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?"
random_text[number++] = "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!"
random_text[number++] = "You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon."
random_text[number++] = "He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away."
random_text[number++] = "Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing."
random_text[number++] = "Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?"
random_text[number++] = "How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue."
random_text[number++] = "Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... Packer@DunderMifflin.com... Packaging'@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh."
random_text[number++] = "Boring. Call me if she rolls over."
random_text[number++] = "It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.'"
random_text[number++] = "I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah."
random_text[number++] = "I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that."
random_text[number++] = "Did you try the petting zoo?"
random_text[number++] = "Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat."
random_text[number++] = "So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?"
random_text[number++] = "And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well."
random_text[number++] = "Jan, you... complete... me."
random_text[number++] = "What am I going to do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art."
random_text[number++] = "I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks."
random_text[number++] = "You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive."
random_text[number++] = "If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?"
random_text[number++] = "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
random_text[number++] = "May your hats fly as high as your dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on."
random_text[number++] = "Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made."
random_text[number++] = "Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!"
random_text[number++] = "The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... Oh well."
random_text[number++] = "There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel."
random_text[number++] = "If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania."
random_text[number++] = "Or... a Whatchamacallit. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand. Satisfied?"
random_text[number++] = "The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies."
random_text[number++] = "But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."
random_text[number++] = "You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning."
random_text[number++] = "Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease."
random_text[number++] = "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
random_text[number++] = "It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them."
random_text[number++] = "Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art."
random_text[number++] = "Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
random_text[number++] = "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"
random_text[number++] = "I am upset. Don't I sound upset?"
random_text[number++] = "Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime."
random_text[number++] = "Midnight, Oscar!'"
random_text[number++] = "This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-"
random_text[number++] = "I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing."
random_text[number++] = "I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!"
random_text[number++] = "That's what happened to O.J."
random_text[number++] = "I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man."
random_text[number++] = "I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies."
random_text[number++] = "Beer me!"
random_text[number++] = "I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time."
random_text[number++] = "Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet."
random_text[number++] = "Lord, beer me strength."
random_text[number++] = "Those are the money beets."
random_text[number++] = "Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really."
random_text[number++] = "Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony."
random_text[number++] = "May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling."
random_text[number++] = "Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right."
random_text[number++] = "I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline!"
random_text[number++] = "By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team."
random_text[number++] = "If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me."
random_text[number++] = "If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."
random_text[number++] = "I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?"
random_text[number++] = "MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic..."
random_text[number++] = "And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage."
random_text[number++] = "Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key..."
random_text[number++] = "Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm."
random_text[number++] = "Another worm? Like, are they friends?"
random_text[number++] = "Let me smell. ... Good, not great."
random_text[number++] = "So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy."
random_text[number++] = "Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend."
random_text[number++] = "It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces."
random_text[number++] = "Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star."
random_text[number++] = "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No? Then you are an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management."
random_text[number++] = "I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station."
random_text[number++] = "Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?"
random_text[number++] = "I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party."
random_text[number++] = "I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling."
random_text[number++] = "Don't break up you guys, you're great together."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation."
random_text[number++] = "I think I just got flashed."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I'll call the real police."
random_text[number++] = "The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?"
random_text[number++] = "If that's flashing, then lock me up."
random_text[number++] = "Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul."
random_text[number++] = "Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. ... ... I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."
random_text[number++] = "And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me."
random_text[number++] = "For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. "
random_text[number++] = "Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free."
random_text[number++] = "There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. "
random_text[number++] = "And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take."
random_text[number++] = "Phallus?"
random_text[number++] = "Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things."
random_text[number++] = "Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen."
random_text[number++] = "If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?"
random_text[number++] = "Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women."
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited."
random_text[number++] = "Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny."
random_text[number++] = "No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist."
random_text[number++] = "Michael. When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian."
random_text[number++] = "My car, my rules."
random_text[number++] = "I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it."
random_text[number++] = "Many women are competent drivers."
random_text[number++] = "This is what we know'."
random_text[number++] = "I figured. It's cool. I don't <20> I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway."
random_text[number++] = "What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese."
random_text[number++] = "Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome."
random_text[number++] = "I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls."
random_text[number++] = "Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex."
random_text[number++] = "And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it."
random_text[number++] = "You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan?"
random_text[number++] = "Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested."
random_text[number++] = "She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles."
random_text[number++] = "But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked."
random_text[number++] = "I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly."
random_text[number++] = "You know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear."
random_text[number++] = "Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?"
random_text[number++] = "Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute."
random_text[number++] = "Not it. I don't have eggs."
random_text[number++] = "About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?"
random_text[number++] = "It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes... you just gots to get your freak on."
random_text[number++] = "May God guide you in your quest."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt. Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse."
random_text[number++] = "Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, you can't swim in leather pants. I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally."
random_text[number++] = "I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head."
random_text[number++] = "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
random_text[number++] = "If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I hope there will be management parables."
random_text[number++] = "Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know?"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "No, the blue team."
random_text[number++] = "Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him."
random_text[number++] = "There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon."
random_text[number++] = "I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!"
random_text[number++] = "There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking."
random_text[number++] = "Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily."
random_text[number++] = "The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world."
random_text[number++] = "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!"
random_text[number++] = "Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!"
random_text[number++] = "Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team."
random_text[number++] = "If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day."
random_text[number++] = "I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!"
random_text[number++] = "At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units."
random_text[number++] = "How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital."
random_text[number++] = "Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends."
random_text[number++] = "What's different about you? You look worse."
random_text[number++] = "What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut."
random_text[number++] = "Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless."
random_text[number++] = "Pam is... kind of a bitch."
random_text[number++] = "Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... Moon each other."
random_text[number++] = "Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said."
random_text[number++] = "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out."
random_text[number++] = "I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time."
random_text[number++] = "My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem."
random_text[number++] = "Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time."
random_text[number++] = "I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front."
random_text[number++] = "I am gonna be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never."
random_text[number++] = "No. And the sheets are made of fire."
random_text[number++] = "Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town."
random_text[number++] = "You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!"
random_text[number++] = "Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?"
random_text[number++] = "I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers."
random_text[number++] = "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots."
random_text[number++] = "I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement."
random_text[number++] = "That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent."
random_text[number++] = "Cause I am what I am. ... That's Popeye."
random_text[number++] = "I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?"
random_text[number++] = "I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous."
random_text[number++] = "Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger."
random_text[number++] = "That is Beardy."
random_text[number++] = "Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means."
random_text[number++] = "I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'"
random_text[number++] = "So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?"
random_text[number++] = "There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.'"
random_text[number++] = "In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again."
random_text[number++] = "What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?"
random_text[number++] = "The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns."
random_text[number++] = "Is it because of these?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey! You're<i/> unstable!"
random_text[number++] = "David, I did not tell her."
random_text[number++] = "I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. It could work. This could work, really!"
random_text[number++] = "Why is my office black?"
random_text[number++] = "So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere."
random_text[number++] = "This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones."
random_text[number++] = "But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay."
random_text[number++] = "Pam. Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?"
random_text[number++] = "All right. Then... it's a date."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry, what was the question?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage."
random_text[number++] = "No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then?"
random_text[number++] = "We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat."
random_text[number++] = "We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end."
random_text[number++] = "I stole it!"
random_text[number++] = "If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor."
random_text[number++] = "If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!"
random_text[number++] = "Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid."
random_text[number++] = "Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela."
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<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
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<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
</div>
</aside>
</div>
<main id="main" class="col-md-6 site-main" role="main">
<article id="post-68" class="post-68 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-uncategorized">
<header class="entry-header">
<h1 class="entry-title">Season 2 &#8211; Episode 09 &#8220;E-mail Surveillance&#8221;</h1>
<div class="entry-meta">
</div><!-- .entry-meta -->
</header><!-- .entry-header -->
<div class="entry-content">
<p> Written by Jennifer Celotta<br /> Directed by Paul Feig </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. [sees man in a turban outside] Oh my God. Ohhh. [dials phone number] Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. [goes out onto office floor] Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you&#8217;re not here.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Are we in danger?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> There&#8217;s no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody. [knock at the front door]<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Michael, should I call the&#8230; [Michael waves his hands] What? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected&#8230; <br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> That just means you have to enter your password.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh&#8230; <br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> What&#8217;s your password, Michael? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, umm&#8230; [looks at Post-It on computer]<br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> Oh, it&#8217;s 1-2-3.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Mi-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> AH! Guh-oood.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Sorry.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Please don&#8217;t do that.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Ok, I&#8217;m sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I can&#8217;t tell you.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You have to tell me.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I don&#8217;t have to tell you anything.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Look, Michael, I know you don&#8217;t want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I&#8217;m in the best shape of my life. Look at this. [flexes his arms] Brrr! That&#8217;s strong!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Yeah, but that doesn&#8217;t matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m not going get a brain-<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Or get hit by a car-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Stop it.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don&#8217;t you just go&#8230; away? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it&#8212; And I am not going to tell them that I&#8217;ll be reading their e-mails. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> So how do you search?<br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> By keyword phrase.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Try &#8220;profits&#8221;. No! Try &#8220;Michael Scott&#8221;. &#8220;Michael&#8221; &#8220;boss&#8221; and &#8220;funny&#8221;. [Sadiq (IT guy) types; result pops up] Oh my God, wow! [chuckles] E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. [reads e-mail] &#8220;Sorry I didn&#8217;t write back sooner; I can&#8217;t go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late.&#8221; Well, Stanley&#8217;s an ass. Not one of our harder workers. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> Hey, what&#8217;s the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, no, everybody; Oscar&#8217;s gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I&#8217;m a robot? [robot voice] I will destroy everything in my path-<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Actually, it&#8217;s just-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Beep! Bop!<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Ok&#8230; <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. [Tin Man voice] Oil can. Oil can.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you&#8217;re doing e-mail surveillance.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> So it&#8217;s true? You have access to our e-mails?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know what the problem is?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> I think I do.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> The problem is that when people hear the term &#8220;big brother&#8221;, they immediately think it&#8217;s scary or bad, but I don&#8217;t. I think, wow, I love my big brother. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I know.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Good. [Pam overhears]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [whispers to Jim] Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I know!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hmm&#8230; <br /> <b>Pam:</b> Do you think that they&#8217;re like-<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, right, no, no.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [humming]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Uhhh, ew, ew, ew&#8230; .Maybe? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> It&#8217;s like squishing a spider under a book. It&#8217;s gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it&#8217;s really dead. Sooo&#8230; [to camera guys] If you guys see anything&#8230; ? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Nice.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Does he have access to their medical records?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Ummmm&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone&#8217;s psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim&#8217;s tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be&#8230; .[scrolls down list] No. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hey, Angela-<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Hi.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> How&#8217;s it going?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> It&#8217;s ok.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim&#8217;s party tonight?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No. Are we supposed to?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No. I mean, I don&#8217;t know, I don&#8217;t think so.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Hmm&#8230; [Pam reaches towards vending machine] Excuse me.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> There&#8217;s always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature&#8217;s rule. It&#8217;s intimidation mostly, it&#8217;s the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> That&#8217;s pretty young.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> [to Michael] Are you gonna eat with us?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Of course. Hangin&#8217; with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin&#8217; with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Uh hum.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm&#8230; You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody&#8217;d go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> The professors would go to the parties?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> It&#8217;s true. I&#8217;m having a party. I&#8217;ve got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn&#8217;t invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it&#8217;s nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn&#8217;t be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I&#8217;m pretty sure he thinks that I&#8217;m making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [to cameraman] What? [looks at Dwight eating a Baby Ruth] Ohhhh&#8230; Yes! Thank you! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Question:</b> on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, uh, no. Could-<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I was wondering-<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Could, keep that down.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Why?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Because not everybody knows about the party.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Like who? Who doesn&#8217;t know?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Umm, Michael.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Why just Michael?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Because it&#8217;s a surprise.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Is it?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Uh hmm.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh, that&#8217;s perfect!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> So, don&#8217;t tell.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I won&#8217;t.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ok. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Really? That&#8217;s great.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I know.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [laughs] Oh man. Oh, you know what, speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on, you know, numbers for food and stuff. So do you think that Roy&#8217;s gonna come, or&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, no, he can&#8217;t make it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, ok, cool. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey there.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Almost quittin&#8217; time.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yup, it&#8217;s, uh, four o&#8217;clock.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don&#8217;t know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don&#8217;t, we could hang out.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, um&#8230; .I can&#8217;t.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You have plans.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Uh hmm, definitely.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I do, too. I do, too. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> You do?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I do, yeah. Big plans.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Because you said &#8220;do you wanna hang out&#8221;-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Tonight, I can&#8217;t do it tonight, no. Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds-<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Really?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Aw, that sounds like a lot of fun.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It&#8217;s the best. It&#8217;s the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Improv sounds great.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It is. Ok.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Alright.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [someone coughs] What?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I think Stanley just coughed. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk to your vehicular transport?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No thanks.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Alright. Oscar, got big plans tonight with-<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> I&#8217;m on a call.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok, alright.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Oh.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey, Angela, rushy, rushy. Where you rushin&#8217; off to?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I&#8217;m just leaving for the day.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah, well duh. Where ya headed?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Charity. Bake drive.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Liar!<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You are a liar.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No, I&#8217;m not.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Dwight, oh ho, Dwight, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hangin&#8217; tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood. You know what? Why don&#8217;t we watch that show that you&#8217;ve been wanting to watch, that stupid Battleship Galaxy.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Battlestar Galatica.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s, whatever stupid show you want-<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I can&#8217;t-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> To watch tonight<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Tonight. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> We&#8217;re watching it.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Unfortunately, I&#8217;ve got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> I didn&#8217;t know you played soccer, Dwight.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Clarinet.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You, too, Dwight?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that you&#8217;re doing, and I&#8217;ll see you Monday. [to the camera] He has no idea! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Quick announcement everybody, if I could have everybody&#8217;s attention. We do have wine in the kitchen, and, uh, there is beer available on the porch and despite what you might think, it&#8217;s not all for Meredith and Kelly, so please enjoy.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Jim! You really think this is a good idea, huh? A hide-a-key rock? <br /> <b>Mark:</b> Hey, you must be Dwight!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You don&#8217;t work with us.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> That&#8217;s because Mark&#8217;s my roommate.<br /> <b>Mark:</b> Hey, I love the Birkenstocks. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car, for special occasions. Jim, come here.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Uh hmm.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> When is the guest of honor coming?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, uh, later-ish.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> He&#8217;s gonna love it!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Great. [to a group of guests] Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised-<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hey! Just in time! You wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Definitely.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Well, the group tour is now leaving, then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we are gonna be pointing out to you today, you will be able to see both bedrooms and, uh, if we&#8217;re lucky, maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows. I have to remind you that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Hey, is Katy coming?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Uh, actually, I haven&#8217;t talked to her in a while.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Huh, is it ok if I call her? <br /> <b>Jim:</b> We can talk about that later. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Ok, let&#8217;s get right into it. I need two people for the first scene.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [In Horshack voice from &#8216;Welcome Back, Kotter&#8217;] Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo, Mr. Cart-air, Mr. Cart-air.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Ok, Michael. And&#8230; anybody? How about Mary-Beth? Come on. Ok, so you start us off Mary-Beth.<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> Great. [skips] La la la la la laaa&#8230; <br /> <b>Michael:</b> [fake kicks in door] Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. I&#8217;m with the FBI. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. [gasps] That&#8217;s why I always start with a gun, because you can&#8217;t top it, you just can&#8217;t. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Girl acting Pregnant:</b> I&#8217;m supposed to meet my doctor here? Have ya seen him? He&#8217;s a very angry midget.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI. You know what you did. Boom! Boom! Boom! [shoots at Pregnant Girl and another actor] Yeah, you thought that you could get away with your little ruse, didn&#8217;t you? Didn&#8217;t ya!? Well, you didn&#8217;t, because I know where ya hid the diamonds. I been on to you and your little friends for weeks. [another actor steps in] Boom! Boom! Boom!<br /> <b>Actor:</b> I&#8217;m not even in the scene!<br /> <b>Actress:</b> Again!?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Boom! Boom!<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Stop, stop, ok, stop. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Boom! Boom!<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> You shot me, great. Now stop.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Why <br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> You can&#8217;t just shoot everyone in the scene.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, if you hadn&#8217;t stopped the scene, you would have seen where it was going.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Ok, what about the scene they set up?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Boring.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> No, it wasn&#8217;t. No more guns.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I could of-<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> No. No. Michael, I want you to give me all the guns you have.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Just, I want you to get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yehhhehh.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Yeeehh, ok. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Jim&#8217;s bedroom.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour. It&#8217;s-<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Cool&#8230; This is your desk.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> This is my desk.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Your home office?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> My home office, this is it.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Down. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ok, sure. Will do.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Ok, wait, so that would make me [walks to side of room] like right here.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, that&#8230; Yep, that feels about right.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> And Dwight would be like-<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You know what? Let&#8217;s just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Umm, [gasps] yearbook!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, you don&#8217;t have to, ummm. Alright, yes, that&#8217;s not gonna be awkward at all.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [finds Jim&#8217;s picture] Ooooohhh no! <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh yeah.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> You were so dorky!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Thank you. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Freeze! <br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m in. <br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> You wanna go over the rules one more time?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no, no. I&#8217;m looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.<br /> <b>Bill:</b> I promise it&#8217;s worthit . Ooo, I can see you walking out of here and you&#8217;re thrilled with your reading.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What are you&#8230; [whispers to Bill]<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Michael, what did you tell him?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Nothing.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Then why are his hands up? Bill?<br /> <b>Bill:</b> He told me he couldn&#8217;t show it to me, but he has a gun.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Ok, let&#8217;s call it a day. Nice job, Bill.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good, it&#8217;s good. Good work, everybody. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Angela, burger? Dog? Havin&#8217; fun?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I got sap on me.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Chicken, hot dog, burger.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I&#8217;m a vegetarian.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> There is soda inside.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Guh. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> I didn&#8217;t think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Yeah, it surprised us all. I&#8217;ll tell you why. Because when they&#8212;<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> I&#8217;m sorry guys; can we please not talk about paper? There&#8217;s gotta be something else we can talk about. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> I think it&#8217;s alright. Jesus drank wine. [Pam overhears]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hey Phyllis, come here for a second. <br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Sure.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Have you heard anything about any secret office romances?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim right? Oh God. I am so sorry, I thought, you guys hang out all the time and you&#8217;re talking all the time. I&#8217;m sorry! <br /> <b>Pam:</b> That&#8217;s ok. It&#8217;s ok. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> [smacks Ryan&#8217;s hand] Not so fast&#8230; Fire Guy. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> How do I get to Bernie&#8217;s Tavern from here?<br /> <b>Bill:</b> Oh, don&#8217;t worry. We&#8217;re all gonna carpool.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> So Bernie&#8217;s, huh? We&#8217;re all going to Bernie&#8217;s? [to camera] Go to Bernie&#8217;s?<br /> <b>Bill:</b> Oh sorry, we&#8217;re not going as a group, it&#8217;s just a private friend who just happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Right, right, right. Well guys, I&#8217;d love to go to Bernie&#8217;s with you, but, you know, I have an office party. A big office party I need to go to, so&#8230; Can&#8217;t get out of it.<br /> <b>Bill:</b> Ok. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok, see you later. Nice job, Bill. Not. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Phyllis:</b> [singing] Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I&#8217;ve ever known&#8230; <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh by the way how&#8217;s your side project going?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, yeah I gave that up.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Really?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah, it turns out I was, um, just grasping at straws. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn&#8217;t mean that they&#8217;re together, you know? Like people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair to think that there was anything else going on. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> [singing] Just turn around now, cause you&#8217;re not welcome anymore.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Surprise! [laughs] Everybody!<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Dwight&#8230; <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? I&#8217;m just driving by, thought I&#8217;d drop in. [to Jim] There&#8217;s some wine. I would love a glass, if you&#8217;re gonna open it. Here ya go Temp, take my jacket! [sees Sadiq (IT guy)] Oh, come on! That guy? He is a good guy, not a terrorist. Karaoke, I love it! I am a karaoke fiend. I call dibs. I got next, I got next up. Come on, let&#8217;s get this party started, ha! Ok? Where&#8217;s that wine? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Ok, yeah, this is a duet, so, need somebody else, Pam? You wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please. [singing] Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. Kelly? Tried to get you with a fine tooth comb. I was soft inside, there was something goin&#8217; on. This part goes to the, uh, girl. You do something to me that I can&#8217;t explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. In every beat of my heart, we got something goin&#8217; on. Tender love is blind&#8212;<br /> <b>Michael and Jim:</b> [singing] It requires a dedication, all this love we feel needs no conversation. Divided, together, uh huh. Making love with each other, uh huh.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> We&#8217;re making love!<br /> <b>Michael and Jim:</b> [singing] Islands in the stream, that is what we are, no one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Talk! Just talk!<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> I am-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Shut up! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Funny story:</b> the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says &#8220;Hey you&#8217;re funny, you&#8217;re the funniest guy I&#8217;ve ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.&#8221; [giggles] And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <font size="10">Deleted Scenes</font> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 1</u></b><br /> <b>Angela:</b> [Oscar shakes his leg] You&#8217;re going to have to stop that. [Oscar moves over] I can still feel it. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 2</u></b><br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> Do you have a question or something?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Um&#8230; <br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> About my turban, maybe?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Nope, nope. I actually wear a turban sometimes. Wanna see it?<br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Got it right here. [pulls out Karnak turban]<br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> Why do you have that?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Comedy; it&#8217;s funny. It&#8217;s Johnny Carson, Karnak. It&#8217;s, um, put it back. Huhhhh, did you have Johnny Carson in your land?<br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> In Pittsburgh? Yeah, but I never really watched him.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh. You were forbidden.<br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> No, I&#8217;m much younger than you. I watched Conan.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Alright, I&#8217;m gonna, uhh, get a cup of coffee. Do you want some coffee er-<br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> No.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Or some tea or hummus or something?<br /> <b>Sadiq (IT guy):</b> No, thank you. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 3</u></b><br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Oh, this isn&#8217;t good.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> It&#8217;s fine.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> You don&#8217;t even know what I&#8217;m talking about. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 4</u></b><br /> <b>Michael:</b> Should have done this a long time ago. Tons of personal e-mails, huge time wasters. Uh, uh huh. Wow, like Kevin, rating the best bars in Scranton? Poor Richard&#8217;s number seven? Idiot. Stupid load. [phone rings] Yeah.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hey, Michael, accounting needs your approval on-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah, I&#8217;m busy right now. [hangs up] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 5</u></b><br /> <b>Michael:</b> Here&#8217;s a helpful suggestion for Jim. Jim, instead of e-mailing Amazon, to try and get that CD that you didn&#8217;t receive, I suggest that you go to Visa and tell them to cancel the charge.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, definitely didn&#8217;t need help with that, but, yeah.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It&#8217;s seems like ya did though-<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Jim. Lots of e-mails to Amazon, lots of wasted computer space. Alright, let&#8217;s get back to work. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 6</u></b><br /> <b>Toby:</b> Yeah, I assumed Michael was already doing this. That&#8217;s why I only use my personal e-mail account. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 7</u></b><br /> <b>Michael:</b> [moves chair to Jim and Dwight&#8217;s desks] Ooo, bleh bleh bleh.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Where&#8217;s your tie?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I don&#8217;t know. Just felt like taking it off. Man, work can be just so damn frustrating don&#8217;t ya think, Jim?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Uh, yeah, I guess.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> What&#8217;s going on, Michael. Talk to me.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I don&#8217;t know, same old stuff. Same old. Boss just been ridin&#8217; my ass.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh no! Jan!? What&#8217;s goin&#8217; on?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I don&#8217;t wanna talk about it. I just wanna hang out, just be one of the guys.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> The most important one of the guys.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s not the point.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> That&#8217;s exactly the point. You&#8217;ve hit a slump. It happens to the best of us. You just have to remember, you know-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Where you come from, and who you are.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You know, you have worked so hard for this. You are the boss; you can buy and sell us with just a snap of your little finger.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok yes, I would never do that.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, no one can snap with their little finger.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ha.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Jim, this is hardly the time.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, this is completely the time, this is perfect time. This is just guys gently ribbing each other, it&#8217;s what it&#8217;s all about, just hangin&#8217; out. Enjoying friends, all being the same. Worker bees.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> And their king bee.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, just bees, just bees hanging out, buzzing around.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Master bee. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m not a master bee. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Queen bee.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m just a bee, Dwight, ok, just a bee, just buzzin&#8217;. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 8</u></b><br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hi!<br /> <b>Roy:</b> Hey babe. Hey, how are you!?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Good.<br /> <b>Roy:</b> You look good.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Thank you.<br /> <b>Roy:</b> Hey, um, I was wondering if it&#8217;d be ok if I go to Lonny&#8217;s poker game tonight. I promise, it&#8217;ll be like the last time for a while.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> We were supposed to go to the barbeque at Jim&#8217;s house.<br /> <b>Roy:</b> Oh, man. Um, could you go without me? Make something up, say I like, ate something, or&#8230; <br /> <b>Pam:</b> Uhh&#8230; <br /> <b>Roy:</b> Huh, huh? You&#8217;re the best. You&#8217;re the best!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I might be late. <br /> <b>Roy:</b> Ok, don&#8217;t wake me up cause I&#8217;m playing ball in the morning.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Ok.<br /> <b>Roy:</b> Alright, bye. [Pam looks around the office]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [to the cameraman] Did I miss anything? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 9</u></b><br /> <b>Michael:</b> Five o&#8217;clock. Time to go get my improv on. [drinks] Little bit of the comedy juice. Mmm. Alright, see if you can guess what this is. [roars and flails his arms] That is a dinosaur getting ready to go to improv class. Just a taste of the improv. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 10</u></b><br /> <b>Michael:</b> I need to know&#8230; who shot Johnson!<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> Uh, President Johnson. Um-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Shut up!<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> Ok. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> I have a right mind to shoot you right in the head.<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> I, I killed him. You&#8217;re right! It was me!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Just shut up! I don&#8217;t wanna hear anything more from you.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> No, listen to what she&#8217;s saying.<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> Alright, I&#8217;ll be quiet if we can make some kind of deal. A deal?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! No deal. Not with Michael Scarn, FBI. Michael Scarn doesn&#8217;t make deals. Michael Scarn shoots and then asks questions later. [blows on his fake gun]<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Good, good.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> She was kind of tripping me up, cause she was, um, I was trying to get something going, when I was over her with the gun, and she like kept changing the story.<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> I don&#8217;t think&#8230; he was saying-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, you kept-<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> He kept saying &#8220;shut up&#8221;-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Going into nuclear something; that&#8217;s not where the scene was going.<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> I-<br /> <b>Bill:</b> It goes wherever.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, it goes, it goes in the best direction, and that was not the best direction.<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> I felt like he was ordering me around, cause he-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, he, Michael Scarn, that character, orders people around, and that&#8217;s, you should of just gone-<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> All your characters order people around though, and-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well&#8230; <br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> There&#8217;s stronger choices.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I don&#8217;t think there&#8217;s any stronger choice than being a really strong character.<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> We&#8217;ve seen you do that character before though. I mean, you know, that&#8217;s cool.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, it&#8217;s, like, well, it&#8217;s, you know, when refine it, refine a character down to its essence, that&#8217;s&#8230; <br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> Like Jim Carrey or something.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Exactly, thank you.<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> Right, well I wasn&#8217;t saying that-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I appreciate that.<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> Nah, I know, I just meant that&#8230; he shot me, I just-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Or Ryan Stiles, something like that.<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> Yeah, ya know maybe, he made me get on the ground, and I didn&#8217;t feel safe in this game.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You shouldn&#8217;t have been, &#8217;cause you were dealing with Michael Scarn. That was exactly what I was hoping to achieve, so that is probably the best thing you could have said, that&#8217;s a compliment.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> You succeeded.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good work.<br /> <b>Mary-Beth:</b> Yeah. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 11</u></b><br /> <b>Jim:</b> And in this room here, if you look closely, you will find out a few clues about who lives here. Um, he likes biking, obviously, and uh, what else? Uh, he likes tour guides, I guess. And if you&#8217;re very perceptive, you&#8217;ll notice that he didn&#8217;t do a great job of cleaning his room [kicks water bottle under bed]. Ok, and uh, that&#8217;s the tou-<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> And he&#8217;s really into penguins or something?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Um, thank you, Ryan, uh, I don&#8217;t know, I think I made the mistake one day of telling someone that I like penguins, and here we are.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Oh, I&#8217;m sorry. I gave you a penguin.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> And that&#8217;s why it&#8217;s on my desk, Phyllis; it means a lot to me, and now that I know it was from you, it means even more. Moving on! Uh, ok, so that&#8217;s the end of the tour for now, and if you liked it please tell your friends:</b> &#8220;Whenever you&#8217;re in Scranton, visit Casa de la Halpert&#8221;. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 12</u></b><br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Ok, for the next exercise, let&#8217;s everyone pair up.[everyone picks a partner] And everyone got somebody? Ok, good. [Michael is partner-less] Uh, ok, uh, why don&#8217;t you go out in the hallway and go through all the rules in your head. Ok, you take a break and sort of run through the rules in your head. Ok, stay there.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;ll just throw out some suggestions.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Ok, you guys wanna start? [to Michael] Don&#8217;t throw out any-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> They&#8217;re in a whorehouse.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Suggestions.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> And he&#8217;s a proctologist. [to teacher] What?<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> We don&#8217;t need a suggestion for this one; it&#8217;s gonna come from them. [to other students] It&#8217;s a game called &#8220;Yes, and?&#8221; and uh, you will say the first sentence. And uh, you&#8217;re telling a story-<br /> <b>Michael:</b> First sentence is:</b> &#8220;I&#8217;m a proctologist&#8221;.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> We&#8217;re not gonna get a suggestion for this one, it&#8217;s gonna come from them. [to students] Ok, you&#8217;re gonna say the first sentence and then she will say yes to that and then she&#8217;ll add something to the story, like you&#8217;re telling a story. [looks at Michael and then students] Oh yeah, what was he doing? Ok, why don&#8217;t you take a break? Since you don&#8217;t have a partner. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Alright, I&#8217;m ready here.<br /> <b>Improv Teacher:</b> Ok. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 13</u></b><br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Why don&#8217;t you turn it up? [Ryan moves to turn up the grill] Uh! Not so fast&#8230; Fire Guy. Think we need some more heat, Fire Guy? Hey, Fire Guy, maybe we should burn Jim&#8217;s house down.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> That&#8217;s really funny.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Hey, Kelly; I called him Fire Guy.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Good one, Kev.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah&#8230; hey Stanley-<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> He called me Fire Guy.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Oh, good one. [laughs]<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> It never gets old.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Never gets old. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote -->
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<aside id="text-7" class="widget widget_text"> <div class="textwidget"><p><u><b>Main</b></u></p>
<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
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<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
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