mirror of
https://github.com/Xevion/the-office.git
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1129 lines
41 KiB
XML
1129 lines
41 KiB
XML
<SceneList>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
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<Text>[telephone ringing] This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we'll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
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<Text>Nice.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
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<Text>There's this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it's not -- it doesn't sound cool. You just have to see it.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
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<Text>Well, I guess it doesn't look that cool either. But, it's been up there a long time, so it's become a pretty big deal.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>Wow. It's the end of an era.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
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<Text>Did a good job, Buddy. Now it's time to come home.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
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<Text>When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
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<Text>How long do you think it's been up there, Kevin?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
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<Text>I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, "Look, a balloon."</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Meredith</Speaker>
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<Text>My kid didn't have a face tattoo.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Darryl</Speaker>
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<Text>I was still thinking of going back to school.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>And I was still just a paper salesman.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. [everyone sighs]</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>All</Speaker>
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<Text>Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. [pops loudly] [cheers and applause]</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
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<Text>oooh</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Darryl</Speaker>
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<Text>Me.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
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<Text>Yeah.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>Right here.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>Allow me to solve your problem, then.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>Nellie</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>Mmm. [bites sandwich] Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>What brings you to town?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>What?</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
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<Text>Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>Mm.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
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<Text>What?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
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<Text>I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
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<Text>You messed up saying your name?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
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<Text>It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>That one looks empty.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>No, that's Andy's office.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>Oh, is it?</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Alonzo</Speaker>
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<Text>Good morning Erin. [driving by delivering newspapers]</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>How are you? How's your family doing?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>Bye.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. [chuckles] Listen to me, bragging away.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>Nellie.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>Robert.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>So far, so good.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>Good.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>Mm-hm.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>We have a manager.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
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<Text>Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>[on phone] Hello.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the...</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>[standing in ocean] ...Florida Flu.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>He just hung up on me mid-sentence.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? [picking up dead fish] Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>Not much we can do about this until he gets here.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>Can't you do something about this?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>-Right.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>What is going on? And where's Andy? And what is going on?</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
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<Text>Erin, you got a package.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>I'm in the bathroom.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Glenn</Speaker>
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<Text>Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
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<Text>Did you wash your hands?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>Yes.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin and Irene</Speaker>
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<Text>[screaming as Andy busts out of box]</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>[singing] Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
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<Text>Where's the ring?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Hm?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
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<Text>Where's the ring, Lancelot?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Glenn</Speaker>
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<Text>[whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
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<Text>[whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>Hey... don't listen.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? [in American accent] Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? [normal voice] I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo?</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. [in American accent] But why, m'lady? [in normal voice] Because I am your new manager.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
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<Text>Robert, is Nellie our new manager?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>[laughs] This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
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<Text>We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
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<Text>Hot tub party?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>Performance reviews.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
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<Text>How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
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<Text>On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Glenn</Speaker>
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<Text>Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
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<Text>So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
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<Text>I think you should leave, young man.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>You didn't even stop to pee? Gross.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>Any luck?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[on phone message, singing] Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. [Andy's phone vibrating]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I don't know. [phone vibrating] Just let it vibrate. It's fine.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You could put it on silent.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I don't think it does that.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Just go to preferences, then click -</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Glenn</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[answering Andy's phone] Proctology.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[on phone] Andy?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Jim?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Andy, where are you?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the- I got the serious poops, man.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>What do you mean, take my job?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I like working here.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Dwight, should she be our manager?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Those who can't farm, farm celery.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? [clears throat]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>What?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>There's no limit to what I think I deserve.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Then you accept it?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Five percent. No less.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Absolutely not. Seven percent.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Six percent, I know my worth.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>The raise isn't real.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Phyllis.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Pam.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Really?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I am not. Huh.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not- sorry.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh, god, nature, please.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>When two animals are having sex, one of them...</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[exhales sharply]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>... is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Was that not the-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>All life is sex. And all sex is competition.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Mm-hm.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No. I would've said no.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kelly</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh, great.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Darryl</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Darryl</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Darryl</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Darryl</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Darryl</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office] Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[panting] Well fought. I accept the outcome.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Creed</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Touch me and I'll sue.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I've heard that's amazing when it works.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yeah, if I had my own-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Andy, I care about you and I think-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>-sorry, you go.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No, go ahead.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You broke my heart too.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I know.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[sighs]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I think... you're a witch.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: "I'm amazing."</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[drowsily] I'm amazing. [sighs]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Irene, what would you do without me?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Why?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Irene</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Jim, time for your review.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No, it's not, because you don't really work here.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I'm Tinkerbell.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Stanley</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>And we are grateful.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>She dies.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Let's see it. Show of hands.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I do. [applause] Come on everyone...</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>All right, guys, stop.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Meredith</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I already spent the money.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>How?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Come on Jim, you're killing her!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>All</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>We believe! We believe!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Robert</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. [applause continues]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. [tosses it out car window] It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Andy wait! [running down street] Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I'm sorry.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Erin!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Andy. [horns honking as they kiss in the street]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Let's get out of here.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Let's go.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No, I don't have any stuff.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Like your toothbrush and stuff.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I don't have one.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You don't have a toothbrush?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>How do you not have a toothbrush?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I just... there's always one around.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You just use whichever one is sitting there?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Of course. I own my toothbrush.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Nellie</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
</SceneList>
|