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https://github.com/Xevion/the-office.git
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1475 lines
52 KiB
XML
1475 lines
52 KiB
XML
<SceneList>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. "Mental" is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
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<Text>Well the "fun" is in it. [conference room group chimes agreement.]</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Get out.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
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<Text>[halfway out] Yeah, I know.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling, you need "small talk." What topics can you use for small talk?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Golf.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Mmhm.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Stock market.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Mmhm.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Dave Matthews.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Yes, what else?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Creed</Speaker>
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<Text>Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes...</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>No.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Meredith</Speaker>
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<Text>The weekend!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, "So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?"</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Meredith</Speaker>
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<Text>Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>All right...</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Meredith</Speaker>
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<Text>He calls it an upper decker.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
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<Text>Then do it.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>What?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
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<Text>Write a book.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>[into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman...</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>[Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>In your schedule it just says nine til noon is "creative space" and I thought this could be part of that.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
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<Text>You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says "free play."</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
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<Text>Ah.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
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<Text>As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Mmhm.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
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<Text>But you also got a lot of responsibility</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Yep.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
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<Text>None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Okay.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
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<Text>Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>What do you think?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
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<Text>God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
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<Text>Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Mmhm, I hear you. The truck.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
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<Text>You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Okay, well.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
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<Text>I can be very very persistent.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Do your worst. [they shake hands]</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>[Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Oh, great.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
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<Text>Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Mmhm.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>What happened in there?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>Did he threaten you?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>No Dwight, not everything is a threat.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Mobsters are!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>There is no such things as monsters.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>He drives an SUV!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>Exactly.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>Uhh. All right, who else is here? [looks around]</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there's not the usual balance between "sane and others." Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
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<Text>Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh. [nods head]</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>[over chatter] Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
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<Text>Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.'</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Okay.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
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<Text>What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Um it is, Grotti.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy and Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>[groans] Oh no. Fabulous.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>What? What?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>It's John Gotti, you idiot!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>It's, it's a completely different name!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
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<Text>So he won't get caught!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Yeah. It's pretty close.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>No I disagree. "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it "murder." And not "muck-duck."</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>Lock your door!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>I'm not gonna lock my door. [door closes. Then clicks locked]</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>Hello?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>Oscar! Uh, what is going on?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
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<Text>Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so-</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
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<Text>Hey Oscar. It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>Pam, I'm sorry-</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
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<Text>Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
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<Text>You're right. You're right. [Pam hangs up] Oh, okay bye.</Text>
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</Quote>
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</Scene>
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<Scene>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>It's Grotti. He's following up.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Already? This, this guy is persistent!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>[reads email] "I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business."</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>That's bad.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Yeah.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>That's bad.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Okay, I'm calling the police.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>[hangs up, rips cord from phone] That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>All right.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>Shh!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>You know what?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>That's not gonna happen.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
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<Text>That's an exaggeration.</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>That's how it works!</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
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<Text>What am I supposed to do here?</Text>
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</Quote>
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<Quote>
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<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
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<Text>When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back</Text>
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</Quote>
|
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<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I was thinking exactly the same thing.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give 'em a taste of cat food pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Dwight...</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I don't know, I don't know about that.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can't be openly violent.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Let him know you're not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you're stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[snaps fingers] I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hold on, hold on! Just-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Well you're gonna have to. [overlaps] Dwight:</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] What are you wearing? Who's Pat?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Do you know how to use it?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Let's go, come on. [whispers] God!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Should I change?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You're wearing loafers!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Forget it! Forget it!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[Andy is playing with the tire iron] Take that thing off the table! Please!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh! God! [smacks roaches]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh my God!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hello.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Mr. Scott.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hi. Angelo Grotti.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hi.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hello.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>So, you got this table?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>This is one of those half booths, can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Well.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Waitress, we're gonna sit over here.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Waitress</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>That's fine.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[answers phone] Hello.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Credit card rep</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hello Mr. Halpert. I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh man, do you think it was stolen?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Rep</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>First would you mind verifying your home address?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Um, yes. [looks at Jim's pay stub] Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Rep</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Six-six-five-zero.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Rep</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Well Mr. Halpert. You're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Wait a minute. Yes I am.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Rep</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No. That... I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Rep</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Rep</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Have a nice day, and thank you!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Shoot.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh he's not that nice.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>That's not true.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hmm. Very true.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay shut up.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Waitress</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Have you decided?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Waitress</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay then. And for you sir?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I will have the gabba-gool.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Waitress</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>The... what?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>The gabba-gool.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Waitress</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I don't really know what that is.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[with Soprano's inflection] You know, gabba-gool.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I don't, I don't have to have that.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>What he's trying to say is, Gabba. Gool.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Guys, guys-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Waitress</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I don't really think that we have that.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>That's okay.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Bring him the gabba-gool!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Waitress</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>If the salad is on top, I send it back.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>This constitutes identity fraud.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh God. I wouldn't last in jail Oscar. I'm not like you.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>What's that supposed to mean?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would love jail.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Why would I love jail?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Because... You would love it.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Look closely Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Maybe we have a plan for you?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can't happen to you, and [drops hand loudly on table] Think about it.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Woman</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[approaches with child] Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yeeeeah.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Woman</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>My battery is dead, I've got my kid, can you please help?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes I can.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Woman</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hey, do you need any help?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>He's a good mechanic.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Where were we?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I don't...</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>He was trying to force you to decide on a policy.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay, okay okay.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>So we're choosing...</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yep, all right.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Check out Dental?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Put it down.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kid</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>He seems bad at this.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. [Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off] Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Woman</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>What?!?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. [Andy walks away, woman is exasperated]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. [Andy clears throat loudly] You okay, Pat?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>It was before, my tech- my technical training.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Don't do it!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Do it.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Don't.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Just do it.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Look Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I don't understand, why would you buy a policy?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I had to make a snap decision Dwight.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>It was a lot of snap decisions.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Do you know what "snap decision" means?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>It means like this. [snaps fingers]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Just get in the car.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hello?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Jim?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Michael?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh thank God.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>That sounds bad.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I'm gonna help you through it all right?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>All you're gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and- it- and then go to-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Jim? Are you?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>And then you'll be saved.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Just [drops] and then you'll be saved.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>A- ah-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No! Oh my God!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>And you'll be saved.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don't call again.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Just- no. No.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>He's alive. So you're welcome.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yeah, some of that existed before.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Not the living in fear, that's new.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You're right, that is new.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Well I don't see that happening.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Are you saying-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yeah...</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>That seems a little far-fetched.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Class act. Boy scout.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>But Grotti acts like he's mafia though.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>And he made us all look like chumps!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[grunts]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>This is Grotti.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>This is Scott.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh! Great. Michael, I'm finishing up your paperwork right now.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I, I thought you'd be pleased.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>What?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I don't get it. How was I scaring you?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Whoa. Okay.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You suck!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay that's-</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>That's good, let's wrap it up.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Grotti</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give me a call?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Doubt it. [disconnects call]</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight and Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[relaxing] Oh man.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>No. What do you mean?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>What?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You successfully backed down the mob!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>So I looked him in the eye and I said, "Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead." I said something like that.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Very close.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Erin?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Yes?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Coffee?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Erin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>How do you return coffee?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Go. Any questions?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>[on phone] Are you kidding me?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Hi Pam, is Jim there?</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here!</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Okay, that sounds good. Um, I'll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>Cool. Okay. [Pam hangs up] Bye.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
<Scene>
|
|
<Quote>
|
|
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
|
|
<Text>They have no idea what happened.</Text>
|
|
</Quote>
|
|
</Scene>
|
|
</SceneList>
|