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<meta property="og:description" content="Written by Paul Lieberstein &#038; Michael Schur Directed by Ken Kwapis Michael: [at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY] David! David: [confused] Oh, Michael? Michael: Are we all set? David: Isn&#8217;t our interview tomorrow? Michael: Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I&#8217;d drop in and say hello. David: You happened to be in &hellip;" />
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<meta name="twitter:description" content="Written by Paul Lieberstein &#038; Michael Schur Directed by Ken Kwapis Michael: [at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY] David! David: [confused] Oh, Michael? Michael: Are we all set? David: Isn&#8217;t our interview tomorrow? Michael: Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I&#8217;d drop in and say hello. David: You happened to be in &hellip;" />
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var random_text = new random_text();
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// Incremental list of all possible Text
random_text[number++] = "I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair."
random_text[number++] = "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!"
random_text[number++] = "Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you. "
random_text[number++] = "I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager. "
random_text[number++] = "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."
random_text[number++] = "Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! FALSE. I do not miss him."
random_text[number++] = "No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded."
random_text[number++] = "Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude."
random_text[number++] = "I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman."
random_text[number++] = "That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you."
random_text[number++] = "I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?"
random_text[number++] = "The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays."
random_text[number++] = "That's what she said. Or he said."
random_text[number++] = "I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?"
random_text[number++] = "No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer."
random_text[number++] = "Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ."
random_text[number++] = "You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin."
random_text[number++] = "I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third."
random_text[number++] = "They always want credit for something they supposed to do! What you want a cookie?"
random_text[number++] = "'...in this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck. He's going to lose it when he reads that."
random_text[number++] = "This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here."
random_text[number++] = "Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "Come on, Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on."
random_text[number++] = "You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended."
random_text[number++] = "That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive."
random_text[number++] = "Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."
random_text[number++] = "Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
random_text[number++] = "He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom."
random_text[number++] = "I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion."
random_text[number++] = "Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
random_text[number++] = "It's an epidemic."
random_text[number++] = "Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, hey, everybody. Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh!"
random_text[number++] = "OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?"
random_text[number++] = "See I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?"
random_text[number++] = "I think green is kind of whoreish."
random_text[number++] = "Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so..."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath."
random_text[number++] = "One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision."
random_text[number++] = "He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself."
random_text[number++] = "I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box."
random_text[number++] = "And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt."
random_text[number++] = "Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine."
random_text[number++] = "Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0."
random_text[number++] = "Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike."
random_text[number++] = "Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?"
random_text[number++] = "Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? "
random_text[number++] = "I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?"
random_text[number++] = "Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great."
random_text[number++] = "Who? Dave Barry?"
random_text[number++] = "It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk."
random_text[number++] = "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it."
random_text[number++] = "And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!"
random_text[number++] = "This says 'Bushiest Beaver.'"
random_text[number++] = "No, no. Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink!"
random_text[number++] = "And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WOOOOOOOO!"
random_text[number++] = "I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms."
random_text[number++] = "Every so often, Jim dies of boredom."
random_text[number++] = "You see Dwight's coffee mug? Sometimes when he's not here I try to throw things in it."
random_text[number++] = "You try and hurt Mozart, you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. "
random_text[number++] = "Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?'"
random_text[number++] = "We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I got a game. It's called work hard so my kids can go to college."
random_text[number++] = "I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants."
random_text[number++] = "If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton."
random_text[number++] = "There's a basic principle in real estate. That you should never be the best looking person in the development."
random_text[number++] = "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?"
random_text[number++] = "I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you."
random_text[number++] = "Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. "
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom. Gay friendly."
random_text[number++] = "No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble."
random_text[number++] = "You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?"
random_text[number++] = "I tried hopping Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to"
random_text[number++] = "Ok, see you later, Pan."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, please. I have Country Crock."
random_text[number++] = "Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!"
random_text[number++] = "Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. And he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel."
random_text[number++] = "He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works."
random_text[number++] = "I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick..."
random_text[number++] = "The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion."
random_text[number++] = "Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese."
random_text[number++] = "You can't fire me. I don't work in this van!"
random_text[number++] = "Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"
random_text[number++] = "Me so horny. Me love you long tim."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?"
random_text[number++] = "I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.'"
random_text[number++] = "Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down."
random_text[number++] = "Let's go. The men's room was disgusting."
random_text[number++] = "No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear."
random_text[number++] = "We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time."
random_text[number++] = "'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Who knows how words are formed."
random_text[number++] = "Um... Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi."
random_text[number++] = "You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!"
random_text[number++] = "I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays."
random_text[number++] = "You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence."
random_text[number++] = "And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'"
random_text[number++] = "I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow."
random_text[number++] = "But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... "
random_text[number++] = "Oomp-a-Loomp-a-Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome."
random_text[number++] = "Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doopity-doomp."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed."
random_text[number++] = "One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered."
random_text[number++] = "And when I came to, I had an epiphery."
random_text[number++] = "Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever."
random_text[number++] = "You just twist your hand until something breaks."
random_text[number++] = "Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. We will demonstrate on Pam."
random_text[number++] = "This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. ... So I am instituting prima nocta."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay."
random_text[number++] = "It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys."
random_text[number++] = "It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck."
random_text[number++] = "Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever."
random_text[number++] = "Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies."
random_text[number++] = "SHUT UP ANGELA!"
random_text[number++] = "Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats."
random_text[number++] = "Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings."
random_text[number++] = "Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'"
random_text[number++] = "Michael, Dwight would like your man meat."
random_text[number++] = "You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art."
random_text[number++] = "You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag."
random_text[number++] = "Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?"
random_text[number++] = "I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure."
random_text[number++] = "Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't."
random_text[number++] = "She's prettier than you though."
random_text[number++] = "That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin."
random_text[number++] = "Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "Not that we're all millionaires. ...I'm probably closest."
random_text[number++] = "Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really."
random_text[number++] = "Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!"
random_text[number++] = "No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair."
random_text[number++] = "Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base."
random_text[number++] = "It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five."
random_text[number++] = "Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool."
random_text[number++] = "Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?"
random_text[number++] = "When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too."
random_text[number++] = "Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is."
random_text[number++] = "And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you."
random_text[number++] = "What a pair of Mary's."
random_text[number++] = "Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes."
random_text[number++] = "You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?"
random_text[number++] = "Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time."
random_text[number++] = "Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over."
random_text[number++] = "AM or PM?"
random_text[number++] = "Three hundred and sixty four days, till the next Pretzel Day."
random_text[number++] = "'Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.'"
random_text[number++] = "New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name."
random_text[number++] = "It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes!"
random_text[number++] = "I hooked up with her on February 13th."
random_text[number++] = "Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there."
random_text[number++] = "You mean, like a ham?"
random_text[number++] = "Great Scott!"
random_text[number++] = "Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving."
random_text[number++] = "You're evil, like a hobbit."
random_text[number++] = "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
random_text[number++] = "Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went."
random_text[number++] = "I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October."
random_text[number++] = "In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing."
random_text[number++] = "Do you want us to run aground, woman?!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Let's break up."
random_text[number++] = "Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication."
random_text[number++] = "BFD. Engaged ain't married."
random_text[number++] = "Never, ever, ever give up."
random_text[number++] = "If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?"
random_text[number++] = "Kevin! That's inappropriate."
random_text[number++] = "Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both."
random_text[number++] = "I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis."
random_text[number++] = "Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
random_text[number++] = "Is your password Frodo? Did you just change it to Gollum?"
random_text[number++] = "Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So..."
random_text[number++] = "This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head."
random_text[number++] = "I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? ... I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding."
random_text[number++] = "This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right."
random_text[number++] = "Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers."
random_text[number++] = "You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job!"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword!'"
random_text[number++] = "Please don't throw garbage at me."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, there he is! Secret weapon!"
random_text[number++] = "Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those!"
random_text[number++] = "Same team, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend!"
random_text[number++] = "Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister."
random_text[number++] = "Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right?"
random_text[number++] = "And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer."
random_text[number++] = "It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom."
random_text[number++] = "I don't believe you. Continue."
random_text[number++] = "We've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day."
random_text[number++] = "Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people."
random_text[number++] = "There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays."
random_text[number++] = "Why are you the way that you are?"
random_text[number++] = "Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way."
random_text[number++] = "I hate so much about the things that you choose to be."
random_text[number++] = "Guys, the Afghanistananies."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried."
random_text[number++] = "And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Dinkin' flicka."
random_text[number++] = "You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say."
random_text[number++] = "We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?"
random_text[number++] = "Jan Levinson, I presume?"
random_text[number++] = "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson."
random_text[number++] = "Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. Honestly, I love stealing things."
random_text[number++] = "Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all!"
random_text[number++] = "Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows."
random_text[number++] = "Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. ...Did you believe me?"
random_text[number++] = "One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can."
random_text[number++] = "Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers!"
random_text[number++] = "Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator."
random_text[number++] = "I was just... I'm in love with you."
random_text[number++] = "I just needed you to know. Once."
random_text[number++] = "Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that."
random_text[number++] = "Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am."
random_text[number++] = "And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out."
random_text[number++] = "It's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry."
random_text[number++] = "I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
random_text[number++] = "What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So..."
random_text[number++] = "Because in this office, it is 'till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized."
random_text[number++] = "It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor."
random_text[number++] = "Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist."
random_text[number++] = "Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club."
random_text[number++] = "Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true."
random_text[number++] = "OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?"
random_text[number++] = "I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death."
random_text[number++] = "Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable."
random_text[number++] = "When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
random_text[number++] = "And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'."
random_text[number++] = "Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage."
random_text[number++] = "'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'"
random_text[number++] = "'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'"
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end."
random_text[number++] = "And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?"
random_text[number++] = "It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled."
random_text[number++] = "Yeppers."
random_text[number++] = "And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars."
random_text[number++] = "Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it."
random_text[number++] = "Wikipedia... is the best thing ever."
random_text[number++] = "Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius."
random_text[number++] = "I am declining to speak first."
random_text[number++] = "Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants."
random_text[number++] = "So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery."
random_text[number++] = "Make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes."
random_text[number++] = "For example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way over paid."
random_text[number++] = "So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---"
random_text[number++] = "Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go."
random_text[number++] = "What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor."
random_text[number++] = "Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "Jim--- Roy--- Look out!"
random_text[number++] = "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?"
random_text[number++] = "You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex."
random_text[number++] = "It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial."
random_text[number++] = "It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed."
random_text[number++] = "All right, Levinson. Here's the rub."
random_text[number++] = "But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "So look out Dunder Mifflin'! I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... "
random_text[number++] = "You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono."
random_text[number++] = "It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school."
random_text[number++] = "Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs."
random_text[number++] = "I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't."
random_text[number++] = "I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."
random_text[number++] = "Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour."
random_text[number++] = "Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!"
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?"
random_text[number++] = "No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid."
random_text[number++] = "It has to be official, and it has to be urine."
random_text[number++] = "I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair."
random_text[number++] = "And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay?"
random_text[number++] = "A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens."
random_text[number++] = "My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish."
random_text[number++] = "Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!"
random_text[number++] = "When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help!"
random_text[number++] = "Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it."
random_text[number++] = "Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you!"
random_text[number++] = "I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut."
random_text[number++] = "It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's your favorite song."
random_text[number++] = "You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this."
random_text[number++] = "It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal."
random_text[number++] = "Happy birth moment, Michael."
random_text[number++] = "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair."
random_text[number++] = "I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
random_text[number++] = "No cookie.'"
random_text[number++] = "Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner."
random_text[number++] = "Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry."
random_text[number++] = "Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls."
random_text[number++] = "You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense."
random_text[number++] = "Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day."
random_text[number++] = "I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel."
random_text[number++] = "I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
random_text[number++] = "Why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle."
random_text[number++] = "I'm learning that 'fun' for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me."
random_text[number++] = "That's your name? Mister Poop?"
random_text[number++] = "Are you Mother Goose?"
random_text[number++] = "Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life."
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?"
random_text[number++] = "I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend."
random_text[number++] = "I need a username. And... I have a great one. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at."
random_text[number++] = "Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?"
random_text[number++] = "Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke."
random_text[number++] = "'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...'"
random_text[number++] = "It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'."
random_text[number++] = "Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about."
random_text[number++] = "Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me."
random_text[number++] = "The very best of luck to you, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "I always set it at 69."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married."
random_text[number++] = "Blood alone moves the wheels of history!"
random_text[number++] = "WE ARE WARRIORS!"
random_text[number++] = "I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death."
random_text[number++] = "Man, this must be torture for you."
random_text[number++] = "So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation?"
random_text[number++] = "It's Grrrrrrape! Soda."
random_text[number++] = "Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic, order some 'za. Talk about you know who."
random_text[number++] = "Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings."
random_text[number++] = "Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken."
random_text[number++] = "Including prep time?"
random_text[number++] = "If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too."
random_text[number++] = "You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?"
random_text[number++] = "You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me."
random_text[number++] = "You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all."
random_text[number++] = "So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis."
random_text[number++] = "People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust.'"
random_text[number++] = "An emergency like, you have an ice cream cake, and you're in the sun, and it's melting?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't use it to buy refrigerators, Kevin!"
random_text[number++] = "Drew. I'm Drew now."
random_text[number++] = "I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies."
random_text[number++] = "I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!"
random_text[number++] = "And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!'"
random_text[number++] = "Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life."
random_text[number++] = "This is shenanigans, foolishness, NERF-ball. You live a sweet, little, NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it."
random_text[number++] = "What, NERF isn't cool anymore?"
random_text[number++] = "Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant."
random_text[number++] = "You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science."
random_text[number++] = "Indubitably."
random_text[number++] = "Ta-freakin'-da!"
random_text[number++] = "Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato."
random_text[number++] = "Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes."
random_text[number++] = "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss! Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!"
random_text[number++] = "Un-shun. Never. Re-shun."
random_text[number++] = "The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, you ignorant slut."
random_text[number++] = "Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!"
random_text[number++] = "My head is in such pain! And turmoil!"
random_text[number++] = "If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude."
random_text[number++] = "I Braveheart."
random_text[number++] = "I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes."
random_text[number++] = "You look as beautiful as the Queen of England."
random_text[number++] = "We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
random_text[number++] = "Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought."
random_text[number++] = "There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
random_text[number++] = "I look really good in white."
random_text[number++] = "Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning."
random_text[number++] = "Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia."
random_text[number++] = "Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch."
random_text[number++] = "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia."
random_text[number++] = "How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable."
random_text[number++] = "All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever."
random_text[number++] = "I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?"
random_text[number++] = "Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on."
random_text[number++] = "Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it."
random_text[number++] = "He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.'"
random_text[number++] = "I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness."
random_text[number++] = "Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity."
random_text[number++] = "So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga."
random_text[number++] = "I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all."
random_text[number++] = "Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive."
random_text[number++] = "I don't trust you, Phyllis!"
random_text[number++] = "Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny!"
random_text[number++] = "That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?"
random_text[number++] = "It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man."
random_text[number++] = "I think we broke his brain."
random_text[number++] = "No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?"
random_text[number++] = "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!"
random_text[number++] = "You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon."
random_text[number++] = "He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away."
random_text[number++] = "Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing."
random_text[number++] = "Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?"
random_text[number++] = "How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue."
random_text[number++] = "Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... Packer@DunderMifflin.com... Packaging'@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh."
random_text[number++] = "Boring. Call me if she rolls over."
random_text[number++] = "It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.'"
random_text[number++] = "I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah."
random_text[number++] = "I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that."
random_text[number++] = "Did you try the petting zoo?"
random_text[number++] = "Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat."
random_text[number++] = "So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?"
random_text[number++] = "And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well."
random_text[number++] = "Jan, you... complete... me."
random_text[number++] = "What am I going to do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art."
random_text[number++] = "I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks."
random_text[number++] = "You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive."
random_text[number++] = "If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?"
random_text[number++] = "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
random_text[number++] = "May your hats fly as high as your dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on."
random_text[number++] = "Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made."
random_text[number++] = "Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!"
random_text[number++] = "The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... Oh well."
random_text[number++] = "There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel."
random_text[number++] = "If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania."
random_text[number++] = "Or... a Whatchamacallit. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand. Satisfied?"
random_text[number++] = "The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies."
random_text[number++] = "But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."
random_text[number++] = "You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning."
random_text[number++] = "Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease."
random_text[number++] = "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
random_text[number++] = "It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them."
random_text[number++] = "Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art."
random_text[number++] = "Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
random_text[number++] = "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"
random_text[number++] = "I am upset. Don't I sound upset?"
random_text[number++] = "Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime."
random_text[number++] = "Midnight, Oscar!'"
random_text[number++] = "This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-"
random_text[number++] = "I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing."
random_text[number++] = "I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!"
random_text[number++] = "That's what happened to O.J."
random_text[number++] = "I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man."
random_text[number++] = "I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies."
random_text[number++] = "Beer me!"
random_text[number++] = "I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time."
random_text[number++] = "Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet."
random_text[number++] = "Lord, beer me strength."
random_text[number++] = "Those are the money beets."
random_text[number++] = "Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really."
random_text[number++] = "Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony."
random_text[number++] = "May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling."
random_text[number++] = "Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right."
random_text[number++] = "I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline!"
random_text[number++] = "By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team."
random_text[number++] = "If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me."
random_text[number++] = "If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."
random_text[number++] = "I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?"
random_text[number++] = "MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic..."
random_text[number++] = "And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage."
random_text[number++] = "Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key..."
random_text[number++] = "Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm."
random_text[number++] = "Another worm? Like, are they friends?"
random_text[number++] = "Let me smell. ... Good, not great."
random_text[number++] = "So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy."
random_text[number++] = "Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend."
random_text[number++] = "It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces."
random_text[number++] = "Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star."
random_text[number++] = "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No? Then you are an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management."
random_text[number++] = "I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station."
random_text[number++] = "Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?"
random_text[number++] = "I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party."
random_text[number++] = "I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling."
random_text[number++] = "Don't break up you guys, you're great together."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation."
random_text[number++] = "I think I just got flashed."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I'll call the real police."
random_text[number++] = "The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?"
random_text[number++] = "If that's flashing, then lock me up."
random_text[number++] = "Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul."
random_text[number++] = "Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. ... ... I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."
random_text[number++] = "And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me."
random_text[number++] = "For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. "
random_text[number++] = "Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free."
random_text[number++] = "There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. "
random_text[number++] = "And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take."
random_text[number++] = "Phallus?"
random_text[number++] = "Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things."
random_text[number++] = "Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen."
random_text[number++] = "If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?"
random_text[number++] = "Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women."
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited."
random_text[number++] = "Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny."
random_text[number++] = "No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist."
random_text[number++] = "Michael. When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian."
random_text[number++] = "My car, my rules."
random_text[number++] = "I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it."
random_text[number++] = "Many women are competent drivers."
random_text[number++] = "This is what we know'."
random_text[number++] = "I figured. It's cool. I don't <20> I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway."
random_text[number++] = "What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese."
random_text[number++] = "Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome."
random_text[number++] = "I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls."
random_text[number++] = "Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex."
random_text[number++] = "And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it."
random_text[number++] = "You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan?"
random_text[number++] = "Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested."
random_text[number++] = "She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles."
random_text[number++] = "But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked."
random_text[number++] = "I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly."
random_text[number++] = "You know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear."
random_text[number++] = "Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?"
random_text[number++] = "Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute."
random_text[number++] = "Not it. I don't have eggs."
random_text[number++] = "About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?"
random_text[number++] = "It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes... you just gots to get your freak on."
random_text[number++] = "May God guide you in your quest."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt. Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse."
random_text[number++] = "Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, you can't swim in leather pants. I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally."
random_text[number++] = "I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head."
random_text[number++] = "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
random_text[number++] = "If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I hope there will be management parables."
random_text[number++] = "Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know?"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "No, the blue team."
random_text[number++] = "Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him."
random_text[number++] = "There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon."
random_text[number++] = "I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!"
random_text[number++] = "There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking."
random_text[number++] = "Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily."
random_text[number++] = "The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world."
random_text[number++] = "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!"
random_text[number++] = "Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!"
random_text[number++] = "Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team."
random_text[number++] = "If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day."
random_text[number++] = "I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!"
random_text[number++] = "At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units."
random_text[number++] = "How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital."
random_text[number++] = "Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends."
random_text[number++] = "What's different about you? You look worse."
random_text[number++] = "What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut."
random_text[number++] = "Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless."
random_text[number++] = "Pam is... kind of a bitch."
random_text[number++] = "Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... Moon each other."
random_text[number++] = "Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said."
random_text[number++] = "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out."
random_text[number++] = "I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time."
random_text[number++] = "My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem."
random_text[number++] = "Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time."
random_text[number++] = "I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front."
random_text[number++] = "I am gonna be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never."
random_text[number++] = "No. And the sheets are made of fire."
random_text[number++] = "Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town."
random_text[number++] = "You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!"
random_text[number++] = "Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?"
random_text[number++] = "I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers."
random_text[number++] = "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots."
random_text[number++] = "I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement."
random_text[number++] = "That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent."
random_text[number++] = "Cause I am what I am. ... That's Popeye."
random_text[number++] = "I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?"
random_text[number++] = "I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous."
random_text[number++] = "Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger."
random_text[number++] = "That is Beardy."
random_text[number++] = "Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means."
random_text[number++] = "I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'"
random_text[number++] = "So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?"
random_text[number++] = "There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.'"
random_text[number++] = "In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again."
random_text[number++] = "What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?"
random_text[number++] = "The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns."
random_text[number++] = "Is it because of these?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey! You're<i/> unstable!"
random_text[number++] = "David, I did not tell her."
random_text[number++] = "I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. It could work. This could work, really!"
random_text[number++] = "Why is my office black?"
random_text[number++] = "So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere."
random_text[number++] = "This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones."
random_text[number++] = "But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay."
random_text[number++] = "Pam. Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?"
random_text[number++] = "All right. Then... it's a date."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry, what was the question?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage."
random_text[number++] = "No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then?"
random_text[number++] = "We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat."
random_text[number++] = "We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end."
random_text[number++] = "I stole it!"
random_text[number++] = "If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor."
random_text[number++] = "If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!"
random_text[number++] = "Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid."
random_text[number++] = "Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela."
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<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
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<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
</div>
</aside>
</div>
<main id="main" class="col-md-6 site-main" role="main">
<article id="post-104" class="post-104 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-uncategorized">
<header class="entry-header">
<h1 class="entry-title">Season 3 &#8211; Episode 23 &#8220;The Job&#8221;</h1>
<div class="entry-meta">
</div><!-- .entry-meta -->
</header><!-- .entry-header -->
<div class="entry-content">
<p> Written by Paul Lieberstein &#038; Michael Schur<br /> Directed by Ken Kwapis </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY] David!<br /> <b>David:</b> [confused] Oh, Michael?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Are we all set? <br /> <b>David:</b> Isn&#8217;t our interview tomorrow? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I&#8217;d drop in and say hello. <br /> <b>David:</b> You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Thought I&#8217;d catch a show. <br /> <b>David:</b> In the middle of a work day? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Naaah. You know what? Since I&#8217;m here, let me ask you a few questions about the job. <br /> <b>David:</b> Okay. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Um, how many people are you interviewing? <br /> <b>David:</b> We&#8217;re only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people? <br /> <b>David:</b> I don&#8217;t think so. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Great. One more&#8230; question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge? <br /> <b>David:</b> I believe we put you in charge. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ah, great. No further questions. <br /> <b>David:</b> Okay, Michael. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. <br /> <b>David:</b> I&#8217;m really looking forward to our interview. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> And I&#8217;m really looking forward to working with you. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [on cell phone] Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I&#8217;ll be like three hours late. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> [Jim walk through the door sporting an obvious new haircut] Hey. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hey, Kev.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> What&#8217;s different about you? You look worse. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Thank you. <br /> <b>Meredith:</b> You got a haircut. It&#8217;s sexy, hot. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ohhh&#8230;<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Turn around. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> No. <br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Yes. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> No way.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Do it! <br /> <b>Andy:</b> Blup-dup-do. What&#8217;s up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> [exhales loudly] Andy&#8230;<br /> <b>Andy:</b> What is it, Big Haircut? <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Nothing. <br /> <b>Andy:</b> Sorry, I can&#8217;t hear you Big Haircut.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yup. <br /> <b>Andy:</b> What? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hey. I think it looks great. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Thanks, Pam. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship too and I would always mean a lot to him and I understand where he&#8217;s coming from. For the record, I am not embarassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summons the courage, so [quietly, and mock bowing] thank you. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [knock on door] Yeah. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You wanted to see me? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, the time has come to name my own replacement. So please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> But that&#8217;s my name. [opens letter and reads] Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don&#8217;t screw the pooch. [begins to cry] Thank you. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. Uh&#8230;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [cries harder] Thank you, Michael. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Uh, okay. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [sobbing, holding letter to chest] Thank you so much. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Stop crying.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [sobbing] Thank you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ohhhhh&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hey. <br /> <b>Karen:</b> Hey. <br /> <b>Pam:</b> Um, about the beach&#8230;<br /> <b>Karen:</b> It&#8217;s okay, we all say things without thinking. <br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, no it&#8217;s not that, I&#8217;ve actually been thinking that for a long time, and I&#8217;m glad I said it. I just&#8230; I&#8217;m sorry if it made you feel weird. <br /> <b>Karen:</b> [confused] Oh. Okay. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Karen:</b> Pam is&#8230; kind of a bitch. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Karen:</b> Hey, what if we leave tonight? Grab a bite, get a hotel room, enjoy the city a little bit. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ahhh&#8230; just have so much paperwork to do. [exhales] Wow. Done. Okay, let&#8217;s do it. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early &#8217;cause we want to spend the night in the city. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Why so you can do it? <br /> <b>Karen:</b> [looks annoyed]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Whoops.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, um, well I was thinking that uh, actually we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger&#8230; <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hmmm.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Heh.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Moon each other. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ah, we&#8217;re gonna go tonight, but we&#8217;re gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> All right.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> All right. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Your loss.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Cruise control. <br /> <b>Karen:</b> Oh. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> So Jim, who do you think is hotter? Pam or Karen?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, I&#8217;m not going to talk about this now. <br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Pam is taller. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> You sure?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yes. She has bigger breasts, too. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Wow. <br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I think Karen has a prettier face. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Uh, hmm. [thinking] Uh, hmm. What else? <br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Well I mean Pam&#8217;s face is really pretty too. It&#8217;s a very tough call. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hm. Really tough call.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You know what? Why don&#8217;t you take the rest of the day, figure it out and then come back and tell me what you got. <br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Will do. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> All right. [smiles] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> Hey, Pam I&#8217;ve been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship. [group laughs]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Wow, very funny. <br /> <b>Stanley:</b> I&#8217;ve never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly. <br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam. <br /> <b>Pam:</b> [smiles]<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> You know what? Don&#8217;t even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said. <br /> <b>Creed:</b> I remember. I blogged the whole thing. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Creed:</b> www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Ryan:</b> Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed&#8217;s brain I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I&#8217;ve read some of it. Even for the intranet it&#8217;s&#8230; pretty shocking. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> There they are, the Accounting Department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks. <br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Do you think it&#8217;s gonna to be weird working with Jan in New York? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> No. Not at all. I haven&#8217;t talked to Jan since we broke up, and I think if she had something to say she would have called me. <br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Maybe you should talk to her? Before&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no, no. You know what? It&#8217;s a done deal. I basically have the job already. There&#8217;s nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Michael&#8230;<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> What?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Why? <br /> <b>Oscar:</b> I&#8217;m sorry, that just doesn&#8217;t make sense. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, I&#8230;<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Wha? Who gave you that advice? <br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah, Michael you should never sell your condo&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I have to buy another place.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> But you said you were in debt. [crosstalk]<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> You&#8217;re not sure that you have the job. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No Dwight, I don&#8217;t care if that is how they consolidated power in ancient Rome. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No, no, not Michael. [whispers] Me. I&#8217;m taking his job. <br /> <b>Angela:</b> [smiles] Not now. [Dwight leaves] Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [squeezing hand grips] Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh hey, Dwight. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I am gonna be your new boss. [laughs] It&#8217;s my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Does my room have cable? <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No. And the sheets are made of fire. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Can I change rooms? <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Sorry, we&#8217;re all booked up. Hell convention in town. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Can I have a late checkout? <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I&#8217;ll have to talk to the manager. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> You&#8217;re not the manager even in your own fantasy? <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I&#8217;m the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil? <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Yeah, but I haven&#8217;t told you my salary yet. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Go. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Eighty thousand dollars a year. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Once I&#8217;m officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> [signing interview sheet] I will see you at the inter-view. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Yes you will. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Who is D. Abramson? <br /> <b>Pam:</b> He&#8217;s from that company in Pitts&#8230;<br /> <b>Jan:</b> [walks through front door] Michael. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Why&#8230; are you here?<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Uh, how are you? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m good. How are you, Janet? It&#8217;s good to see you.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> I&#8217;m great. Uh, can we, can we talk&#8230; privately&#8230; for a minute? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Why privately?<br /> <b>Jan:</b> I just, [quietly] I uh&#8230; I don&#8217;t uh&#8230; I, I don&#8217;t, I don&#8217;t like the way that we left things. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don&#8217;t you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem. <br /> <b>Pam:</b> What do you want me to do? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen. <br /> <b>Pam:</b> What about Meredith? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> No. She&#8217;s an alternate. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> So, how you been? <br /> <b>Jan:</b> Been good. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> Good. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I uh, I tried calling, but I kept getting voice mail. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Weird. Yeah, I didn&#8217;t get both of your messages. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> So, um, Michael needs us in the conference room. <br /> <b>Karen:</b> &#8216;Cause of Jan again? <br /> <b>Karen:</b> Hey, uh, before I leave tonight, would you mind making a half a dozen copies of Jim&#8217;s and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow? <br /> <b>Pam:</b> Uh, sure. <br /> <b>Karen:</b> Thanks. <br /> <b>Pam:</b> I really hope you get the job. <br /> <b>Karen:</b> Thanks. [looks suspicious] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> After you ended&#8230; everything with us, I went on a vacation. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hmm.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> To kinda clear my mind. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Sound good. Sounds fun. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> It was. Yeah, it was good. [laughs] I think I&#8217;ll just get right to the point, you know? Um, I, I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hmm..<br /> <b>Jan:</b> I&#8217;ve made some big changes in my life and&#8230; I miss you. I want us to get back together. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Would you excuse me for a second? <br /> <b>Jan:</b> Ohh&#8230; [Michael leaves and walks into conference room] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Defcon twenty. She wants to get back together. <br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> What are you gonna do? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> I don&#8217;t know, that&#8217;s why you&#8217;re here, help me. Please&#8230;<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Do you want to get back together with her? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no. What do I do? <br /> <b>Pam:</b> Just don&#8217;t get back together with her. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> What if she makes me?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> How can she make you get back together with her? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> She made me do a lot of things I didn&#8217;t wanna do. <br /> <b>Pam:</b> This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> I wasn&#8217;t. <br /> <b>Pam:</b> You&#8217;re so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> You&#8217;re right. You&#8217;re absolutely right. I&#8217;m gonna go in there and tell her that we can&#8217;t be together. <br /> <b>Pam:</b> Right. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Wow. <br /> <b>Karen:</b> Do it. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m in a very good place right now. Thank you. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [walks back into office with Jan] Okay. [clears throat] Jan, we need to talk. [Jan turns revealing that she has had her breasts enlarged] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Oh my God. [mouths to Jim] <i>Huge!</i><br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, bigger actually.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [whispers] That&#8217;s crazy!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Mm-hm.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [mouths] Wow!<br /> <b>Karen:</b> [moves to block Jim from Pam&#8217;s eyeline] Oh my God. Can you believe that?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Unbelievable.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Wow!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> She could put the cup right there.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> I know! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> No, it&#8217;s fine. I&#8217;m sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around&#8230; that <i>one time</i>. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Meredith:</b> I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Creed:</b> I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That&#8217;s how I like &#8217;em. Swing low, sweet chariots. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> So&#8230; [exhales] there are a lot of things that I would like to do differently.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> First got priorities.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Let&#8217;s get back together. [Jan smiles and laughs] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> No. No, no, no, no. I&#8217;ll tell you this, it is <i>not</i> because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement. That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is&#8230; emotionally magnificent. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay, everyone, listen up! [claps] Time to begin the interview process! [looks at sign-up sheet, only contains Andy&#8217;s name] Andrew Bernard.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Saving the best for first!<br /> <b>Karen:</b> All right, you guys. See you later, wish us luck!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Good luck, you guys! [everyone wishes them luck]<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> What did I say!?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [to Jim] Good luck.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Thanks. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> I&#8217;m happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche&#8230; Maybe I&#8217;m being cliche. I don&#8217;t care. Cause I am what I am. [thinks] That&#8217;s Popeye. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> White, because it contains all other colors.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> You make a chair, but you don&#8217;t sit on it.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> What is the capital of Maine?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don&#8217;t wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You&#8217;re not off to a very good start, Bernard. <br /> <b>Andy:</b> I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn&#8217;t you say? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [Andy and Dwight arm-wrestle, Andy is about to win] Time! No, you failed. <br /> <b>Andy:</b> Damn it! <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> This interview is over. I&#8217;ll let you know. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Karen:</b> [Driving to New York] Hey, thank you so much for driving me down for my interview. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Totally, no problem. What are you interviewing for, by the way, my assistant? Or&#8230;<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Oh, you know I&#8217;m gonna have a congratulations Karen party um, tomorrow night at my friend&#8217;s house.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh wow, that sounds like fun. Is your friend named Karen too? What did she accomplish? <br /> <b>Karen:</b> No, I&#8217;m sorry I should have been clearer. It&#8217;s for me. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh&#8230; <br /> <b>Karen:</b> &#8216;Cause I&#8217;m going to get the job. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [holding Jan&#8217;s breasts] Remarkable. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> Thanks. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Wait, wait. Check one more time. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> Oh, okay. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Very good [Jan nods]<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Well, I um, I have to get back, but I will see you in New York tomorrow, right? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, indeed. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> Good luck with your interview. [whispers] Bye. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> So, I guess we&#8217;re getting back together. <br /> <b>Pam:</b> What happened? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Your advice was good, but Jan&#8217;s was bigger. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Here&#8217;s the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn&#8217;t connect, I was miserable. Now, I&#8217;m in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Karen:</b> So we have all night. Where do you want to go first? <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.?<br /> <b>Karen:</b> How often do you come here? <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Um, everytime my sixth grade class has a field trip. <br /> <b>Karen:</b> I think you&#8217;ll really enjoy this, adult Jim. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I&#8217;ll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, [clicks on small tape player] I would like to start saying my goodbyes [Song: Thank You, by Natalie Merchant plays in background] Okay. Goodnight, and good luck. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [Dwight clicks off tape player] Who&#8217;s ready to work? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [Karen punches buttons on an ATM] Yeah, we went to the Spotted Pig for dinner. It&#8217;s in the Village. Uh, Karen knew it. And then we second acted Spamalot. That&#8217;s when you sneak in at intermission with all the smokers. And then we went to a bar that used to be a church. Oh and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels. <br /> <b>Karen:</b> That wasn&#8217;t him. [Jim nods, mouths, yes, it was] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Karen:</b> So what&#8217;s going to happen to us when I get this job? <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh do you mean when I get the job? <br /> <b>Karen:</b> Well, <i>if</i> you get the job then I&#8217;d move here with you. Would you move with me? I&#8217;m not stupid. I was at the beach. We won&#8217;t have a future in Scranton. There&#8217;s one too many people there. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> You mean Kevin?<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Exactly. But you get it, right? Can&#8217;t stay there. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, I do. C&#8217;mon. [they hold hands and cross street] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [exhales] How are you guys doing? Need anything?<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Uh, no, we&#8217;re good. Thanks.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody&#8217;s names. If you need to know somebody&#8217;s name, just ask me.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [points at bearded man] Who&#8217;s that?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> <i>That</i> is Beardy.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Beardy?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Mm-hmm.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I&#8217;m gonna introduce myself.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no, no, just&#8230; that&#8217;s not his real name. That&#8217;s just what I call him, so&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> I am by far the most qualified person they&#8217;re interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They&#8217;re like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered. Except daddy&#8230; is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Michael is gone.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Hail to the chief!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> My first order of business: accept.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> As if you had a choice. [scoffs] Duh. [scoffs] Opportunity of a lifetime. [spits chew into Michael&#8217;s World&#8217;s Best Boss mug] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad, in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad. [washing out Michael&#8217;s mug] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Hey! Hunter! Wha&#8217;s up my brutha? This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire.<br /> <b>Hunter:</b> Uh, administrative assistant.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Jan in yet?<br /> <b>Hunter:</b> I think she&#8217;s comin&#8217; in&#8230; later.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in?<br /> <b>Hunter:</b> Sure. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Just say, &#8220;I want to squeeze them.&#8221; It&#8217;s code. She&#8217;ll know what it means.<br /> <b>Hunter:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, [Michael shakes his head and makes the &#8220;motorboat&#8221; noise] &#8220;Brbrbrbrbr!&#8221; also? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Thank you.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I had to make Andy my number two. It&#8217;s political, complicated, you wouldn&#8217;t understand. I want you&#8230; to be Assistant Regional Manager.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Really?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> You will be your own assistant.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title&#8230; to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay. So&#8230; you would be the Regional Manager, <i>and</i> the Assistant Regional Manager. Andy is your number two. I would be the Secret Assistant Regional Manager.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Mmmmmm, let&#8217;s call it Secret Assistant <i>to</i> the Regional Manager.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Mm-hmm.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Do you accept?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Absolutely, I do. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret&#8230; you reply, &#8220;Absolutely, I do.&#8221; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [knocks on door] Hello, hello!<br /> <b>David:</b> Michael, good to see you!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for.<br /> <b>David:</b> Oh, great. I&#8217;ve been meaning to thank you by the way. You didn&#8217;t lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget? That is nice work. [Michael smiles] So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Why don&#8217;t I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.<br /> <b>David:</b> Okay. And your strengths?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, my weaknesses are actually&#8230; strengths.<br /> <b>David:</b> Oh. Yes. Very good.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Thank you.<br /> <b>David:</b> Very good. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Phyllis:</b> Dwight is our new boss.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Oh, Michael&#8217;s not going anywhere.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Then who do you think will get the job?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> I think it&#8217;s gonna be Michael.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Do you really think he&#8217;s qualified for that job?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> No, but he wasn&#8217;t qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> [laughs] Mm. Yeah. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This&#8230; [holds up paper that resemles a sheet sized dollar bill with Dwight&#8217;s face in the middle] is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks&#8230; equals an extra five minutes for lunch. <br /> <b>Pam:</b> [raises hand] What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> So ten <i>thousand</i> of your dollars is worth one real dollar?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Just&#8230; zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group&#8217;s time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Amen.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> [raises hand] Do we have to?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Yes! Michael is gone. There&#8217;s a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is &#8220;me.&#8221; Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>David:</b> What do you think we could be doing better?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;ve never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, &#8220;Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion. We&#8217;re GRRRRRRRRRREAT!&#8221; I don&#8217;t know, could be good. Or, uh, &#8220;Super Duper Paper. It&#8217;s super duper.&#8221; I don&#8217;t know, something like that.<br /> <b>David:</b> Okay!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>David:</b> Thanks for comin&#8217; in, Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Thank you.<br /> <b>David:</b> It is always a treat when our paths cross.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It is always a treat when <i>our</i> paths cross. So, oh! Before I forget, I wanted to let you know, if you hadn&#8217;t already heard, uh, Jan and I are back together. So&#8230; I may need to fill out one of those love documents again.<br /> <b>David:</b> You&#8217;re back together.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her&#8230; or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that&#8217;s not sexual, just&#8230; we&#8217;re all professionals.<br /> <b>David:</b> Okay, uh. Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position&#8230; the job you&#8217;re applying for&#8230; is Jan&#8217;s job.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I don&#8217;t understand. So, we&#8217;re gonna tag team it?<br /> <b>David:</b> No, we&#8217;re letting Jan go. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Listen up. Let&#8217;s start&#8230; from the ground <i>up</i>. Where does paper come from?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> [at the same time as Dwight] Trees.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Trees! And where do trees grow?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> [at the same time as Dwight] Forest.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say&#8230; is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? [Angela smiles, shakes her head &#8220;no&#8221;] Wrong! It&#8217;s nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous&#8230; state?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Liquid.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> I don&#8217;t want it.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Make it 100.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> We&#8212; Don&#8217;t you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> No. In fact, I&#8217;ll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> What&#8217;s the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay&#8212;<br /> <b>Andy:</b> That&#8217;s it! <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> What&#8212;<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Class is canceled, everybody out!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No wait, what are you doing?!<br /> <b>Andy:</b> I&#8217;m punishing them.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled.<br /> <b>Everyone:</b> [grumbling, getting loud]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> HEY! COME ON! Let&#8217;s listen to Dwight&#8217;s presentation! [Dwight winks at Pam]<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> What&#8212; What are you winking for?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Zip your lid! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Karen:</b> So, that&#8217;s&#8230; my basic 5 year plan. And after that, who knows? <br /> <b>David:</b> Okay. Uh, now, this may seem like an odd question, but&#8230;<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Yeah?<br /> <b>David:</b> &#8230;what do you think about Michael Scott?<br /> <b>Karen:</b> He&#8217;s a very nice man. And he&#8217;s very well suited for the job he has now.<br /> <b>David:</b> This is off the record.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> He would be disaster. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> Hey you!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> How was your interview?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pretty good.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Yeah?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Could have gone better I guess.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Oh. [they kiss] I&#8217;ll put in a good word for you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> What?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Daaah, let&#8217;s just run away together. Let&#8217;s just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would&#8230; be fine. We&#8217;d have fun. <br /> <b>Jan:</b> What&#8217;s&#8230; what&#8217;s the matter? What&#8230; what happened in there?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I can&#8217;t tell you.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Tell me what? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> You son of a bitch!<br /> <b>David:</b> Jan, this isn&#8217;t the time, we&#8217;re in an interview&#8212;<br /> <b>Jan:</b> You&#8217;re <i>firing</i> me? Where the hell do you get off?<br /> <b>David:</b> Frankly, it&#8217;s overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Erratic?<br /> <b>David:</b> Recently, you don&#8217;t even show an interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days. Always saying you&#8217;re visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you used to&#8212;<br /> <b>Jan:</b> [opens up her overcoat] Is it because of these?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Wuuuoooh, hey, whoa, Jan&#8212;<br /> <b>Jan:</b> No, I wanna know. I wanna know! Because if it is, then, then, then I will see you in court!<br /> <b>David:</b> It&#8217;s not.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> No?<br /> <b>David:</b> It&#8217;s not.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> &#8216;Cause he likes them. [points to Michael] Okay? He likes them. And, and that is, that is all I care about.<br /> <b>David:</b> The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey! <i>You&#8217;re</i> unstable!<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Yeah!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No&#8212; We&#8217;re all unstable.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Okay, you know what? I&#8217;m just not leaving. I&#8217;m not leaving. Not leaving.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> David, I did not tell her. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> It&#8217;s like staring into my soul, when I look at this wall.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> It&#8217;s like outerspace without the stars, it&#8217;s so black. [laughs]<br /> <b>Andy:</b> This is gonna look so awesome!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> It&#8217;s so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here&#8230; is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!<br /> <b>Andy:</b> [laughs] Totally! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> [giving a hug] Bye Hunter.<br /> <b>Hunter:</b> Bye.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Good luck with your band.<br /> <b>Hunter:</b> Oh, thank&#8212;<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Don&#8217;t let them change you, okay? [Jan drops several items, Michael and Hunter help pick them up, she starts to walk out the door] So long, [censored].<br /> <b>Michael:</b> So, I am gonna&#8230; give her a ride home. Let me know about the job.<br /> <b>David:</b> Actually, Michael, I think we&#8217;re gonna take it in another direction.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good, I&#8217;m glad we&#8217;re on the same page. I have a lot of ideas for new directions.<br /> <b>David:</b> No, we&#8217;re not giving you the job.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know what? That&#8230; is actually good&#8230; because, um, I don&#8217;t think I could take&#8230; my girlfriend&#8217;s job. That&#8217;s not being a good boyfriend. So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration. Do you accept my withdrawal?<br /> <b>David:</b> I do.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good. Very good. I&#8217;m glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though.<br /> <b>David:</b> Yes.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good. That&#8217;s all I ever wanted. These two. [points at Jim and Karen] Either one of them&#8230; excellent candidates. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Karen:</b> Wow. That was some serious&#8230; hardcore&#8230; self destruction.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Don&#8217;t! She&#8217;s nuts! [they laugh]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, man. You know what? This might take a while. You really don&#8217;t have to stay, if you don&#8217;t want.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Okay, good! Because, um, a bunch of my friends are meeting downtown for lunch. And, I was gonna meet them, so&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Just call me when you&#8217;re done.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Sure.<br /> <b>Karen:</b> Good luck, Halpert.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Thank you.<br /> <b>Receptionist:</b> [phone rings, picks up] Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace. Sure. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> Oh, God! I mean, I just don&#8217;t understand! It&#8217;s just <i>so</i> rude, you know? I mean, the absolute nerve of that guy!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I know. I know, I&#8217;m sorry about that. That was terrible.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Oh, just&#8230; No, actually I think it&#8217;s good, you know? It&#8217;s fine, actually, I do. I really think it&#8217;s great that it happened. Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so&#8230; [laughs]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, it&#8217;s&#8230; [Jan starts crying, high pitched whining] No, don&#8217;t cry, it&#8217;s gonna be OK.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> [sobbing] Oh, I know, I know. It&#8217;s just&#8230; I&#8217;m sorry. It&#8217;s just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. Ohhh! They make my moods totally unpredictable! Wow! What am I gonna do?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [whispers] I don&#8217;t know. [normal volume] Well I guess&#8230; you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. [Jan exhales] Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Live together. Actually, wait a minute! This could be great! This could be perfect! You know, my full-time job could be our relationship. I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. [laughs] It could work. This could work, really! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [in the office, imitating the terminator] I&#8217;ll be baaaaack! And I am baaaack!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> How&#8217;d it go?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No. No, Pam. I&#8217;m baaaaaack! For gooood! Kevin Nealon. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Everybody, may I have your attention please? It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you that I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job. I know, I know, I know. &#8220;Michael, what are you thinking? You were a shoe in.&#8221; Well, got down there. I nailed the interview. And the strangest thing happened. Why is my office black?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> To intimidate my subordinates.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s stupid.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> It was Andy&#8217;s idea.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You shouldn&#8217;t have taken it. Bad management! Good thing I&#8217;m baaaaaack. [laughs] Ryan, coffee.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> I don&#8217;t do that stuff anymore.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, it&#8217;s for me, bimbo. Kids. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> So I&#8217;m back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place&#8230; is like&#8230; the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my&#8230; graveyard&#8230; for my bones.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Did&#8230; Karen get the job?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [to everyone] Back to work. [to Ryan] Still waitin&#8217; on that coffee. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Pam, hello.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Dwight, hello.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I wanted to thank you&#8230; for helping me, when you held the title, Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. You served the office with great dignity. [Pam salutes Dwight, Dwight returns the salute] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> No, I don&#8217;t know what the future holds, but&#8230; I&#8217;m optimistic. And, uh, I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I&#8230; are just&#8230; too similar. Maybe one day I&#8217;ll find my own Karen. But&#8212; you&#8212; that is, a, um, you know, not&#8212; A man. A man version. But, uh, until then&#8230; I can hold my head up. &#8230; I&#8217;m not gay. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>David:</b> I don&#8217;t know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I should leave. [pretends to get up] [they laugh]<br /> <b>David:</b> Uh, let me ask you a question, Jim. You&#8217;re clearly a very bright guy.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Thanks.<br /> <b>David:</b> Always hit your numbers, personable, you make a great impression on everyone you meet&#8212;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I&#8217;m sorry, wait, so is the question &#8220;How&#8217;d I get to be so awesome?&#8221; [laughs] Because, I don&#8217;t have an answer for you. [laughs]<br /> <b>David:</b> Uh, oh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yes, absolutely.<br /> <b>David:</b> And that, uh, questionnaire. Sorry to make you fill that thing out&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, no, absolutely.<br /> <b>David:</b> &#8230;that&#8217;s a HR formality. We have this very irritating HR guy here, he&#8217;s probably the only person you&#8217;re not gonna like. [Jim notices a small note inside his papers, it reads &#8220;Jim, Don&#8217;t forget us when you&#8217;re famous! Pam&#8221; It has a gold medal yogurt lid attached.] Kendall. Ugh. So, first up&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [hands David his papers] There you go.<br /> <b>David:</b> How do you think you function here in New York?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [not thinking clearly because of Pam&#8217;s note] What&#8217;s that? Oh, uh, great. You know? I just um, I really appreciate the buildings, and uh, the people, and um, there&#8217;s just a [sic] energy&#8230; New York has, uh&#8230; Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. [David laughs] So that&#8217;s a&#8230; bonus. <br /> <b>David:</b> You&#8217;ve been in the Scranton branch a long time. [Jim stares at Pam&#8217;s note] What have you liked most about that place?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [thinks] The friendships.<br /> <b>David:</b> Okay. Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So&#8230; long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [flashback to Beach Games] How are your feet?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Medium rare. Thanks. [they laugh]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> The real reason that I went to Stamford&#8230; was because&#8230; I wanted to be&#8230; not here.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I know.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> And even though&#8230; I came back, I just, I feel like I&#8217;ve never really&#8230; come back.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Well, I wish you would. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [phone rings, Pam answers] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one moment, I&#8217;ll transfer you. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> I haven&#8217;t heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn&#8217;t he? He&#8217;s totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him&#8230; and, if he never comes back again&#8230; that&#8217;s OK. We&#8217;re friends. And I&#8217;m sure we&#8217;ll stay friends. We just, we never got the timing right. You know? I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, and&#8230; But you know what? It&#8217;s OK. I&#8217;m totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally&#8212; [Jim walks in]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yes.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> All right. Then&#8230; it&#8217;s a date.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [to camera, tearing up, smiling] I&#8217;m sorry, what was the question? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>David:</b> [on phone] So, I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty. But, after some more thought, I&#8217;m very pleased to be able to offer you this job. [laughs] Great! I&#8217;m so glad. We&#8217;re all very excited you&#8217;re going to be joining us. It&#8217;ll be nice to have another MBA around here.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> [on phone, smiling] I&#8217;m excited too. Okay. Bye.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Who was that?<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> [still smiling] Nobody. You and I are done.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> What?! [Ryan smiles and glances at the camera] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="DSblock"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 1</u></b> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>David:</b> Where do you see yourself in ten years?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, [clears throat] I&#8217;ve actually done a lot of thinking about that. And in ten years, I am living in a big house, with my kids. And in this house we have screens on the walls that have famous art on them and I have a remote that works everything, that has like a belt-loop attachment, or in my ear, like a gluetooth. And, because it&#8217;s the future, I can take just a little tiny pill and get all my vitamins for the whole day.<br /> <b>David:</b> A&#8230; multivitamin?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, I don&#8217;t know what it&#8217;s gonna be called, but&#8230; my point is, the future of this company is now. And the future&#8230; is me. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Phyllis:</b> Michael, what happened?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Jan got fired. And I realized that I could not work for a company that would fire my girlfriend. But more than that, I realized that&#8230; I couldn&#8217;t take a job that would take me away from this place. This is where I belong. This is&#8230; my home. And home is where the hardest.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Home is where the <i>heart</i> is.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Heart is. That makes a lot more sense. You think they&#8217;d help each other out like that at corporate? [Oscar shrugs] I think not! </div>
</p></div>
<div class="DSblock"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 2</u></b> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kelly:</b> Well, if Michael gets the job, I will be so upset, because Dwight used to have a crush on me, so if he&#8217;s boss, it&#8217;ll be really awkward.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Mmm-hmm. [nods]<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> But if Jim gets it, you should be happy, because you have a crush on him, and he totally doesn&#8217;t feel the same way, and then he&#8217;ll be gone.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah, well, you know, whatever happens. [Kelly puts her hand on Pam&#8217;s shoulder] Oh.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Pam, he&#8217;s just not that into you.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, I know. We talked about it and he told me.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> No, seriously Pam, wake up.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Kelly made me realize something. She and I have&#8230; nothing in common. And I need more friends. </div>
</p></div>
<div class="DSblock"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 3</u></b> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Define scorched earth policy.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> When an attacker goes through another country sometimes they wi&#8230;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Nyah ah! Too long! What is the Dharma Initiative?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> It is the source of all energy on this planet.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Wrong. It is a corporation formed by aliens. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> I&#8217;m a very good interviewee. Why? Because I have something that nobody else has. And that is&#8230; my brain. Which makes me charming, witty, intelligent&#8230; [long pause] and quick on my feet. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Who was the second man on the moon?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Trick question. There was no second man on the moon.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Inventor of the cotton gin.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Eli Edison.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Talk me through an appendectomy.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Step 1, disinfection. Step 2, incision. Step 3, remove the appendix tenderly so it doesn&#8217;t burst and spread toxic&#8230;icity everywhere.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Step 5, [talking over Andy, indistinct] &#8230;the wound.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Re-suture. Sutures, yes.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> When is the Paleolithic Age?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> 17 B.C.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> What is a scented candle? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> How is the new boss? Tough. Do people respect him? They have to. Do they like him? Irrelevant. They do not. And I hate them back. </div>
</p></div>
<div class="DSblock"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 4</u></b> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> New York real estate. I started by looking for a brownstone, like the Huxtables had, [shakes head] but instead I found this very, very, nice place in Jamaica, Queens, mon. It is on the last stop of the subway, which is wonderful, because if I fall asleep, I still end up at home. It is a suh-weeeet one bedroom. I have a roommate, uh, Vijay Chokalingham, he&#8217;s a sophomore at Queens College. He actually works in the Indian restaurant right below the apartment, so&#8230; free food, and the place always smells like curry. So, win/win. </div>
</p></div>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
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