the-office/client/public/json/06/05.json

{"title": "Mafia", "description": "Michael meets with an insurance salesman that visits the office and is later convinced by Dwight and Andy that he is part of the mafia. ", "characters": {"michael": {"name": "Michael Scott", "appearances": 122}, "andy": {"name": "Andy Bernard", "appearances": 58}, "dwight": {"name": "Dwight Schrute", "appearances": 52}, "oscar": {"name": "Oscar Gutierrez", "appearances": 18}, "kevin": {"name": "Kevin Malone", "appearances": 17}, "jim": {"name": "Jim Halpert", "appearances": 14}, "erin": {"name": "Erin Hannon", "appearances": 7}, "pam": {"name": "Pam Beasley", "appearances": 5}, "ryan": {"name": "Ryan Howard", "appearances": 4}, "toby": {"name": "Toby Flenderson", "appearances": 3}, "meredith": {"name": "Meredith Palmer", "appearances": 3}, "creed": {"name": "Creed Bratton", "appearances": 1}, "phyllis": {"name": "Phyllis Lapin", "appearances": 1}}, "season_number": 6, "episode_number": 5, "scenes": [{"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. \"Mental\" is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it."}, {"speaker": "Toby", "text": "Well the \"fun\" is in it. [conference room group chimes agreement.]"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Get out."}, {"speaker": "Toby", "text": "[halfway out] Yeah, I know."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake.  But you can't just go right to the selling, you need \"small talk.\"  What topics can you use for small talk?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Golf."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Mmhm."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Stock market."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Mmhm."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Dave Matthews."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Yes, what else?"}, {"speaker": "Creed", "text": "Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes..."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "No."}, {"speaker": "Meredith", "text": "The weekend!"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, \"So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?\""}, {"speaker": "Meredith", "text": "Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "All right..."}, {"speaker": "Meredith", "text": "He calls it an upper decker."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with."}, {"speaker": "Ryan", "text": "Then do it."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "What?"}, {"speaker": "Ryan", "text": "Write a book."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "[into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman..."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Erin", "text": "[Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?"}, {"speaker": "Erin", "text": "In your schedule it just says nine til noon is \"creative space\" and I thought this could be part of that."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon."}, {"speaker": "Erin", "text": "You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says \"free play.\""}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Ah."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Mmhm."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "But you also got a lot of responsibility"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Yep."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Andy", "text": "What do you think?"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "God forbid you...  should have a fire in the warehouse."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Mmhm, I hear you. The truck."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay, well."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "I can be very very persistent."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Do your worst. [they shake hands]"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "[Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Oh, great."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Mmhm."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Andy", "text": "What happened in there?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Did he threaten you?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "No Dwight, not everything is a threat."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Mobsters are!"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "There is no such things as monsters."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "He drives an SUV!"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space."}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob?"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation."}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down!"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Exactly."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "He did talk about a fire in the warehouse...  and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer."}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "Uhh. All right, who else is here? [looks around]"}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there's not the usual balance between \"sane and others.\" Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The \"coalition for reason\" is extremely weak."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Toby", "text": "Oscar says I checked out huh?  Huh. [nods head]"}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "[over chatter] Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down.  Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?"}, {"speaker": "Ryan", "text": "Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.'"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay."}, {"speaker": "Ryan", "text": "What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Um it is, Grotti."}, {"speaker": "{Andy} and {Dwight}", "text": "[groans] Oh no. Fabulous."}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "What? What?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "It's John Gotti, you idiot!"}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "It's, it's a completely different name!"}, {"speaker": "Phyllis", "text": "So he won't get caught!"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Yeah. It's pretty close."}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "No I disagree. \"R\" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it \"murder.\" And not \"muck-duck.\""}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Lock your door!"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "I'm not gonna lock my door.  [door closes. Then clicks locked]"}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Jim", "text": "Hello?"}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon."}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "Oscar! Uh, what is going on?"}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this."}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so-"}, {"speaker": "Pam", "text": "Hey Oscar.  It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon."}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "Pam, I'm sorry-"}, {"speaker": "Pam", "text": "Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us."}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "You're right. You're right. [Pam hangs up] Oh, okay bye."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "It's Grotti. He's following up."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Already? This, this guy is persistent!"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "[reads email] \"I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business.\""}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "That's bad."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Yeah."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "That's bad."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay, I'm calling the police."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "[hangs up, rips cord from phone] That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "All right."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Shh!"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "You know what?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "That's not gonna happen."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "That's an exaggeration."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "That's how it works!"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "What am I supposed to do here?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "I was thinking exactly the same thing."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give 'em a taste of cat food pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Dwight..."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "I don't know, I don't know about that."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can't be openly violent."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Okay."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Let him know you're not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you're stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "[snaps fingers] I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Hold on, hold on! Just-"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Well you're gonna have to. [overlaps] Dwight:"}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "[Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] What are you wearing? Who's Pat?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Do you know how to use it?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Let's go, come on. [whispers] God!"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Should I change?"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "You're wearing loafers!"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Forget it! Forget it!"}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "[Andy is playing with the tire iron] Take that thing off the table! Please!"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Oh! God! [smacks roaches]"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Oh my God!"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Hello."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Mr. Scott."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Hi. Angelo Grotti."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Hi."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Hello."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "So, you got this table?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Yes."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "This is one of those half booths, can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Well."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Waitress, we're gonna sit over here."}, {"speaker": "Waitress", "text": "That's fine."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "[answers phone] Hello."}, {"speaker": "Credit Card Rep.", "text": "Hello Mr. Halpert. I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card."}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Oh man, do you think it was stolen?"}, {"speaker": "Credit Card Rep", "text": "First would you mind verifying your home address?"}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Um, yes. [looks at Jim's pay stub] Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA"}, {"speaker": "Credit Card Rep", "text": "And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?"}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Six-six-five-zero."}, {"speaker": "Credit Card Rep", "text": "Well Mr. Halpert. You're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico."}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Wait a minute. Yes I am."}, {"speaker": "Credit Card Rep", "text": "I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card."}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "No. That...  I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer."}, {"speaker": "Credit Card Rep", "text": "Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away."}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "No-"}, {"speaker": "Credit Card Rep", "text": "Have a nice day, and thank you!"}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Shoot."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Oh he's not that nice."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "That's not true."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Hmm. Very true."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay shut up."}, {"speaker": "Waitress", "text": "Have you decided?"}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back."}, {"speaker": "Waitress", "text": "Okay then. And for you sir?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "I will have the gabba-gool."}, {"speaker": "Waitress", "text": "The... what?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "The gabba-gool."}, {"speaker": "Waitress", "text": "I don't really know what that is."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "[with Soprano's inflection] You know, gabba-gool."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "I don't, I don't have to have that."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "What he's trying to say is, Gabba. Gool."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Guys, guys-"}, {"speaker": "Waitress", "text": "I don't really think that we have that."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "That's okay."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Bring him the gabba-gool!"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad."}, {"speaker": "Waitress", "text": "Okay."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "If the salad is on top, I send it back."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?"}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone."}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "This constitutes identity fraud."}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Oh God. I wouldn't last in jail Oscar. I'm not like you."}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "What's that supposed to mean?"}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Oh you don't know about jail?  Oh you would love jail."}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "Why would I love jail?"}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Because... You would love it."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Look closely Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Maybe we have a plan for you?"}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can't happen to you, and [drops hand loudly on table] Think about it."}, {"speaker": "Woman", "text": "[approaches with child] Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Yeeeeah."}, {"speaker": "Woman", "text": "My battery is dead, I've got my kid, can you please help?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Yes I can."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Come on! Lady in distress?  Go! Go!"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Okay!"}, {"speaker": "Woman", "text": "Thank you so much, I really appreciate it."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Hey, do you need any help?"}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "He's a good mechanic."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Where were we?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "I don't..."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "He was trying to force you to decide on a policy."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay, okay okay."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "So we're choosing..."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Yep, all right."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Check out Dental?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Put it down."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down."}, {"speaker": "Kid", "text": "He seems bad at this."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. [Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off] Aaaah!  You got a leaky spark tube."}, {"speaker": "Woman", "text": "What?!?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. [Andy walks away, woman is exasperated]"}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. [Andy clears throat loudly]  You okay, Pat?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "It was before, my tech- my technical training."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Don't do it!"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Do it."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Don't."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Just do it."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Look Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Yes."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "I don't understand, why would you buy a policy?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "I had to make a snap decision Dwight."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "It was a lot of snap decisions."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Do you know what \"snap decision\" means?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Yes!"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "It means like this. [snaps fingers]"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Just get in the car."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Jim", "text": "Hello?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Jim?"}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "Michael?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Oh thank God."}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier."}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "That sounds bad."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend."}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "I'm gonna help you through it all right?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Okay!"}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "All you're gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and-  it- and then go to-"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Jim? Are you?"}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "And then you'll be saved."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said."}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "Just [drops] and then you'll be saved."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!"}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "A- ah-"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "No!  Oh my God!"}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "And you'll be saved."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you!"}, {"speaker": "Jim", "text": "I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An-  M-  please don't call again."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?"}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?"}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "Just- no.  No."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "He's alive.  So you're welcome."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Yeah, some of that existed before."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Not the living in fear, that's new."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "You're right, that is new."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Well I don't see that happening."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Are you saying-"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Yeah..."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia!"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "That seems a little far-fetched."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown?  And that happened."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy.  His background is perfectly clean."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Class act. Boy scout."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "But Grotti acts like he's mafia though."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "And he made us all look like chumps!"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "[grunts]"}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "This is Grotti."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "This is Scott."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Oh! Great. Michael, I'm finishing up your paperwork right now."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?"}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "I, I thought you'd be pleased."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "What?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance."}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "I don't get it. How was I scaring you?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk."}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Whoa. Okay."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "You suck!"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Okay that's-"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "That's good, let's wrap it up."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?"}, {"speaker": "Grotti", "text": "Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give me a call?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Doubt it. [disconnects call]"}, {"speaker": "{Dwight} and {Andy}", "text": "[relaxing] Oh man."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What?"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "No. What do you mean?"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "What?"}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "You successfully backed down the mob!"}, {"speaker": "Andy", "text": "You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Michael", "text": "So I looked him in the eye and I said, \"Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead.\" I said something like that."}, {"speaker": "Dwight", "text": "Very close."}, {"speaker": "Oscar", "text": "Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Erin?"}, {"speaker": "Erin", "text": "Yes?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Coffee?"}, {"speaker": "Erin", "text": "Okay."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back."}, {"speaker": "Erin", "text": "Okay."}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back."}, {"speaker": "Erin", "text": "How do you return coffee?"}, {"speaker": "Michael", "text": "Go.  Any questions?"}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Pam", "text": "[on phone] Are you kidding me?"}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Hi Pam, is Jim there?"}, {"speaker": "Pam", "text": "Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here!"}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Okay, that sounds good. Um, I'll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi."}, {"speaker": "Pam", "text": "Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority."}, {"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "Cool. Okay. [Pam hangs up] Bye."}]}, {"quotes": [{"speaker": "Kevin", "text": "They have no idea what happened."}]}]}