the-office/server/data/raw/4-01.txt

Michael: Ok, well I did not get the job in New York, but I got the real prize, domestic bliss. Jan made me breakfast this morning… well she bought the milk. It’s soy. [walks into bedroom, Jan sleeping on bed] This is why I do it, that’s what I have to come home to. [sighs] She probably won’t be up for a few hours.
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Michael: This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um… Andy and Dwight are rockin’ the sales team. I feel very blessed. [slams on breaks, camera turns, Meredith rolls off the hood]
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IT Tech Guy: You know generally it’s not a good idea to click on offers that you haven’t requested. What was the exact offer?
Pam: It was for a video.
IT Tech Guy: Yeah, what kind of video?
Pam: A celebrity sex tape.
Jim: Really, what kind of celebrity?
Pam: Not relevant.
Jim: How much did you pay for it?
Pam: Not relevant.
Jim: You paid for it?
Pam: It all happened so fast.
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Jim: I broke up with Karen after the job interview, and uh… it was a little awkward when she came back from the city. She told me, very clearly, just because we were broken up didn’t mean she was going anywhere, because she worked really hard for her career. But the next day her desk was empty, and as for me and my current romantic life, I uh… I’m single now and looking, so if you know anybody.
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Pam: Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. It’s really nice to be good friends again.
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Kevin: Are you kidding me, Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile; they’re just keeping it a secret. Right? [looks at Oscar]
Oscar: I don’t know, there is no evidence of intimacy. They’ve been in remarkably good moods. It could be other things.
Kevin: Are you kidding me?
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Pam: And Sunday I’m thinking of going to that flea-market at the drive-in.
Jim: Oh that sounds fun. I’m mountain biking on Sunday. On Montage Mountain.
Pam: Cool.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Well have fun with that.
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Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Jim: What?
Dwight: Where?
Michael: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could… And she is going to be OK.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?
Oscar: So she’s really going to be fine?
Michael: Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture, but, ah… people have survived far worse.
Pam: Thank God you were there.
Michael: Yeah.
Andy: Did you see who did it?
Dwight: No need we can just check the security tapes.
Michael: Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
Jim: Who was driving?
Pam: Oh, Michael.
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Jim: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
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Dwight: It’s only Meredith.
Michael: Yeah, it’s only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.
Dwight: Hey… Why did you do it?
Michael: It was an accident.
Dwight: Was she talkin’ back?
Michael: No.
Dwight: Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?
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Pam: Hey guys, we’re all gonna visit Meredith at lunch. And we’re kicking in $5 for flowers.
Kevin: Who’s we, you and Jim?
Pam: No, uh, me Stanley and Phyllis so far.
Kevin: Oh, I bet Jim goes too.
Pam: Yeah, I haven’t asked him yet.
Kevin: Oh, I bet you ask?
Pam: I was planning on it.
Kevin: I bet you were.
Pam: Angela?
Oscar: [whispers to Kevin] Subtle.
Kevin: What
Pam: [to Angela] Are you coming?
Angela: I can’t, Sprinkles is sick.
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Angela: She’s been sick for some time. Thank you for asking, no one asks… about Sprinkles.
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Angela: I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her, and who will she eat lunch with?
Pam: Can’t your other cats keep her company.
Angela: There’s bad blood, jealousies, cliques.
Pam: Angela, you’re the chairman of the party planning committee. I shouldn’t even be planning this, it’s your job.
Angela: [sighs] All right!
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Michael: My lord my liege.
Ryan: Yes Michael?
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Michael: So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?
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Michael: So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.
Ryan: Back? Why is that Michael?
Michael: Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.
Ryan: Oh! Did you do this on purpose?
Michael: No, I was being negligent. But she’s in the hospital, she’s fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in…
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so… double jeopardy, we are fine.
Ryan: I don’t think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right, I’m sorry. What is: we are fine?
Ryan: [sigh]
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Ryan: People keep calling me a “Wunderkind”; I don’t even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means, it means very successful for your age, so I guess it makes sense, but… it’s a weird word.
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Angela: Hey D.
Dwight: Hey monkey, what’s up?
Angela: Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine.
Dwight: Sure.
Angela: I have to visit the alchy.
Dwight: Check to see if she’s faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn’t crack my pelvis. You know what; I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some workers comp.
Angela: I wouldn’t put it past her.
Dwight: So what do you need me to do?
Angela: I wrote it out.
Dwight: Mm-hmm.
Angela: There’s a diabetes shot, roll the insulin in your hand, don’t shake it. She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal, but you have to put her right in front of the dish or she won’t see it because of the cataracts. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine, um… and you want to give that to her 15 minutes after she’s eaten. And, oh and there’s a fungal cream because she has this infection under her tail, so you’re gonna have to lift her tail and put the cream right at the base of her tail.
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Michael: Ok, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Michael: No.
Phyllis: You shot Dwight?
Michael: No! That is not funny, I love my employees, even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I’m just trying to take everybody’s mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
Jim: Oh good, so we don’t have to work.
Pam: OK, we’re leaving for the hospital at 1.
Michael: So, like a freedom tree.
Pam: I can take 3 people.
Jim: I can also take 3 people.
Oscar: [to Kevin] Separate cars.
Michael: Pam.
Pam: Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we’ll sign it outside her room.
Michael: Pam.
Pam: Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly works can go at lunch.
Michael: Ok, good good, so we’ll just all go down there together at lunch.
Pam: I…
Michael: Excellent!
Pam: I was thinking that we…
Michael: Good work Pam.
Pam: But…
Michael: Yaaaaaay, Pam! Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?
Stanley: You can’t be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.
Michael: Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley!
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Michael: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me… No, don’t sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I’m trying to make.
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Michael: Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh… She looks like an angel.
Kelly: She looks awful.
Michael: No… OK, she always looks like that… That is not my fault.
Jim: I think she’s awake.
Michael: No… She’s in a coma.
Nurse: No.
Michael: OK… Meredith, [hauntingly] Ooooohhhhh. I brought all your friends from the office dear.
Meredith: At the same time.
Michael: Yeah.
Stanley: Hello Meredith.
Meredith: This is weird.
Michael: Brought you some balloons. Why don’t we… here you go. [wraps them around her IV] Tie these up, cheer up your tubes… [IV pops out] Oh! Shhhh… For God’s sake!
Kevin: Whoa!
Michael: Nurse.
Meredith: No don’t bother the nurse, just put it back in.
Michael: [groaning] I am going to be sick… I’m gonna puke.
Jim: I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t worry about it. Don’t touch it.
Nurse: What, what are you doing? Just gimme that.
Meredith: Thanks.
Kevin: [applauds]
Phyllis: Does it hurt terribly?
Meredith: No, it’s not too bad. They have me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed: Oh really, what kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percocet, Fentanyl, Oxycontin, Palladone? What…
Meredith: I have no idea.
Creed: Oh. [laughs]
Meredith: Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. I’ll see you guys at the office.
Michael: Oh, OK… Wait up, wait up, guys guys guys, hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody.
Meredith: Michael, I’m not gonna do that.
Michael: Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness.
Angela: No, that’s not. That’s next to cleanliness.
Michael: Well, just shhhh… just just…
Meredith: You cracked my pelvis
Michael: Look, I just… I don’t understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug.
Meredith: You’re not forgiven.
Michael: Come on. [starts to climb onto the bed with meredith.
Pam: Michael! Michael!
Meredith: [screams]
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Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
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Angela: Hey.
Dwight: Hey monkey.
Angela: Any problems?
Dwight: Well you left the TV on, and your cat is dead.
Angela: What!?
Dwight: Sparkles, the white one, is dead.
Angela: Sprinkles.
Dwight: That was the sick one, right?
Angela: Uh-huh. But I thought she had more time.
Dwight: No.
Angela: Did she look… When you saw her how was she looking?
Dwight: Really dead. Like a… just a dead cat.
Angela: [sobbing]
Dwight: So… Hey come on, don’t be sad, just… OK… just. She’s in a better place.
Angela: Alright.
Dwight: Actually the place that she’s in is the freezer, because of the odor.
Angela: [still sobbing]
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Pam: [to Angela] It’s gonna be OK.
Michael: OK, you know what? Everybody, let’s just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis, a tiny little crack. She going to be fine, so let’s just…
Pam: Michael, Angela’s cat died.
Michael: Sprinkles?
Angela: [nods]
Michael: [sighs] Oh, sh… I’m sorry Angela. Man what a day huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then… Sprinkles! God, that’s 3 things. I’ll tell you what’s going on. This office is cursed, and we need to do something about it.
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Michael: Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I’m not superstitious, but… I’m… I am a little-stitious.
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Michael: Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?
Oscar: Like what?
Michael: Like park on it. Or dig up a body… Toby? Anything you want to tell us?
Toby: No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact I had some good luck recently, Alfredo’s Pizza, picked my business card out of the basket, so… uh, I got a week of free pies.
Pam: That’s cool.
Toby: Yeah.
Michael: Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.
Angela: Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God in your infinite wisdom how could you do this? She wasn’t ready. She had so much left to accomplish.
Dwight: She’s only a cat.
Angela: You never… you don’t like them.
Dwight: Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.
Oscar: Dwight please!
Michael: Dwight, you haven’t seen Meredith yet, have you?
Dwight: No, I have not.
Michael: Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects.
Dwight: I do not respect her, but I will go.
Michael: Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs.
Toby: Oh, Michael, you can’t ask about religious beliefs…
Michael: Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite.
Toby: Alright, well then you can ask about religious beliefs.
Michael: Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let’s just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in.
Stanley: I’m… um, Catholic.
Michael: OK.
Darryl: Presbyterian.
Michael: Alright.
Pam: Oh me too.
Darryl: Oh?
Pam: [puts hand up for high five] Same religion.
Darryl: Alright! [high fives Pam]
Phyllis: I’m a Lutheran and Bob’s a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy.
Angela: That’s why we’re cursed.
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Creed: I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.
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Michael: Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.
Kelly: That’s Buddhist.
Michael: Are you sure?
Kelly: No.
Michael: What are you?
IT Tech Guy: Well if you’re going to reduce my identity to my religion then I’m Sikh, but I also like Hip-hop and NPR, and I’m restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time.
Michael: OK, 1 Sikh, and…
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Dwight: As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we’re using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what’s unethical.
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Dwight: Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.
Meredith: Don’t pull any plugs.
Intern: How are you doing Ms. Palmer?
Meredith: Better.
Intern: Excellent.
Dwight: Are you a doctor, or a male nurse?
Intern: Um… I’m an intern, which makes me a doctor, but…
Dwight: Pfft… Her chart doesn’t indicate that she had a hysterectomy but she did, or at least she got time off for one.
Intern: Ah, so uh… so that is where her uterus went… Um, Ms. Palmer, your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago?
Meredith: Yes. Dwight here, trapped it in a bag against my head.
Dwight: Just doing my job.
Intern: It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon?
Meredith: And a rat. Separate occasions.
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Michael: You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. [sighs] And it’s not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn’t make any sense… God is dead.
Kelly: If there was a God then Ryan and I would be married by now.
Michael: Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there’s some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just… the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah… the body of a porcupine.
Jim: I will do some research.
Pam: I can help you with that.
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Dwight: So, just to be safe they are giving her the rabies vaccine.
Michael: Oh God, Rabies?
Dwight: Mm-hmm.
Michael: I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD?
Dwight: No, no. You’ve gotta be bitten by something.
Michael: This place is so cursed.
Dwight: Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital, cause the only way to beat rabies, is to start treatment before the symptoms set in… Lock jaw.
Michael: [walks out into the office] I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith’s life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it.
Jim: Six of one, really.
Michael: Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people! [Kevin claps] Oh… there is a God, and he has a plan for us after all. So go home get some rest, very very good work today. We got a lot accomplished.
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Michael: Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus’ dad?
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Kevin: [Pam walks out of the office into the parking lot alone. Kevin pops up from the back seat of his car as if spying] Oh well, if they aren’t together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they’d be good together, like PB&J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What – A – Waste!
Pam: [Pam’s car pulls out of parking lot and then off to the side of the road] I told you I’m not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don’t think it’s anyone’s business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like when it’s for real, the last person I’m gonna talk about it too is a camera crew, or my co-workers. [Jim gets into the passenger side] Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be. [Jim leans over and kisses Pam] Trust me, when I fall in love, you’ll know.
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Pam: Michael Scott’s Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam.
Michael: Pro-Am.
Pam: Pro-Am race for the… They hung up.
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Michael: A woman shouldn’t have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I’m hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that.
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Stanley: [on the phone] No, rabies… Babies would be a good idea. Can I put you down for a dime?
Michael: Hi Stanley, how many sponsors so far?
Stanley: Zero.
Michael: Come on man, gotta step it up! It’s for a good cause. Jan called this morning and pledged $500.00.
Andy: Isn’t that your money?
Michael: That… is for a good cause. Phyllis, how’s the rabies quilt coming?
Phyllis: Oh, it’s coming.
Michael: Oh, look at that, 3. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis.
Kevin: Michael?
Michael: Yes.
Kevin: You cannot make me run.
Michael: OK. [walks away]
Kevin: It is not a real charity. It’s stupid Michael, and I’m not gonna do it.
Michael: Alright, alright.
Kevin: You didn’t run for me…
Michael: Shhh…
Kevin: …when I thought I had skin cancer.
Michael: I know that you’re probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.
Kevin: No.
Michael: OK, well back in olden times, a large fat person, like this, was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food, person of respect. Like the regional manager of the day. Whereas, someone athletic and trim, like myself, was someone who worked in the fields… And I was a peasant.
Kevin: I just don’t want to run. I didn’t bring my sneakers or my clothes.
Michael: Well, you’re going to have to run, or you’re going to be in a lot of trouble. It is not olden times anymore.
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Andy: [in bathroom] I’m petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So… I take precautions. [tapes a cotton ball to each nipple]
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Andy: Hey Angela. Hey, um… I’m sorry about your cat. [Angela starts to cry]
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Angela: This is Sprinkles. [holds up a picture] She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year, [picture of Angela holding Sprinkles] just a couple of kittens [starts to cry] out on the town.
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Angela: Pssst. I’m having relationship problems. And since you’re always having relationship problems, I thought you’d be able to give me some advice.
Pam: What’s wrong?
Angela: I have this crazy thought, that I know is crazy. That maybe Dwight killed my cat.
Pam: Hmm…
Angela: When I got home, Sprinkles’ body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her, but all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds.
Pam: Ah.
Angela: Something’s not right. The vet’s doing an autopsy.
Pam: Angela, I’m sorry.
Angela: Did Roy ever kill one of your cats?
Pam: I’m more of a dog person.
Angela: [sighs]
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Jim: So what’s your strategy for this race?
Pam: Well I’m gonna start fast.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Then I’m gonna run fast in the middle.
Jim: What?
Pam: Then I’m gonna end fast.
Jim: Why won’t more people do that? [laughs]
Pam: Cause they’re just stupid.
Jim: [looks at camera] What?
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Jim: [Pam and Jim watch video of their kiss on the tv] Oh, ah… No that’s not… I mean that wasn’t, ah…
Pam: Yeah… That was um…
Jim: I mean I can see how it would seem a bit like we uh… How it looks like um… I mean now a days you can edit anything, right? I mean you can edit anything to look like um… anything.
Pam: Yeah, I gave him a ride home because…
Jim: Right!
Pam: … We’re dating.
Jim: Wow! There it is.
Pam: Ah, yeah. We haven’t told anybody, but it’s going really great. [looks at Jim] Right?
Jim: It is going really great.
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Dwight: [Angela runs into Dwight] Oww!
Angela: Shut up.
Dwight: You’re taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger.
Angela: Oh, really?
Dwight: [sighs] You’ll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression.
Angela: [pushes her chair into Dwight’s legs] I’m not depressed I’m in grief.
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Michael: We have raised, almost $700.00, most of it from me and Jan. Um… when do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later?
Pam: Well a giant check costs about $200.00 to make up. I have a print shop standing by but… What do you think Michael, that’s over 25% of our funds?
Michael: Hmm… That’s a tough decision. Um… I always imagined it with a giant check. So…
Jim: Yeah, I mean I personally am definitely on board for the giant check.
Pam: Giant check it is.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Yep.
Dwight: Well I don’t know, on the other hand it does leave less money for bat birth control.
Jim: Bat birth control
Dwight: Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right Michael, that’s what you told me when I contributed.
Michael: You didn’t contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And how’s that been going?
Pam: Not well. A doctor won’t come out to collect a check for $700.00, or $500.00 if we go with the giant check.
Jim: Which we are.
Pam: And also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.
Michael: What about a rabies nurse?
Pam: I don’t think so.
Jim: You know what though, I’ve actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour, for parties and bachelor events.
Michael: That’s possible. Look into that.
Jim: Great, it’s gonna cost a couple a hundred buck and ah… oh actually more with tips.
Dwight: Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and setup a college fund for Meredith’s son.
Michael: Have you met that kid? He’s not going to college.
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Pam: Michael, 5k means 5 kilometers, not 5 thousand miles. [knocks]
Michael: Come in.
Pam: Hey.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey
Pam: Oh my God.
Michael: What are you doing?
Pam: You said come in!
Michael: No I didn’t, just please don’t…
Pam: Oh my God.
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Pam: So I closed the door but the image of his…
Jim: Baquette.
Pam: … dangling participle…
Jim: Eww.
Pam: … still burned in my eyes.
Jim: I can imagine.
Pam: [Michael knocks slowly on door] Come in.
Michael: May I enter the room?
Pam: Yes. Or come in.
Michael: See how I did that. That’s the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear.
Jim: You couldn’t have taken off all your clothes in the men’s room?
Michael: Yes, but I have an office, so why would I do that.
Pam: On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark.
Michael: European offices are naked all the time.
Pam: They’re so not.
Michael: Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so…
Pam: I didn’t see where it started but I saw where it ended.
Jim: [sighs] Gross.
Michael: That’s not gross, it is the human body. What is your problem? Pam you’re an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models. OK, you know what, I don’t want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today, it’s not fair to people with rabies. And that’s the point, right? OK, let’s go have some fun.
Jim: Alright.
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Pam: They say if you’re nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on… or a funny coat.
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Jim: [naked from chest up] Oh, I’m sorry, is this a working office, and not a French beach?
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Jan: OK, name please.
Creed: Creed Bratton, 75 plus division.
Jan: You’re over 75 years old?
Creed: 82 November first. How much is the prize money?
Jan: There’s no prize money.
Creed: What, is any of this real?
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Michael: Check that out. [points to Toby] Look at me, I’m Toby, I’m stretching, I know what I’m doing. Why is he even here?
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Jan: So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.
Pam: What? Look, no it was not…
Jan: I don’t know what your deal is, but he’s mine, OK? So hands off.
Michael: OK everybody, listen up. Thank you for coming. Before we get started I wanted to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I’d like you to take a look into the face of rabies. [turns around a picture of Meredith in the hospital] That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three… too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming barking killer. And it is something… Darryl what are you doing.
Darryl: [feeding a squirrel] I’m giving him a peanut.
Michael: No, don’t give him… just, did you hear anything I said?
Darryl: Look how happy he is.
Michael: He’s happy because he’s insane. You know what, that’s the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where’s the nurse? [Elizabeth walks up in nurse’s outfit] This is the reason we’re here.
Elizabeth: Hello Michael.
Michael: Oh hey, I know you… Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: Yeah.
Michael: Right? Wow, very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check, for $340.00 made out to science. Make sure that, that gets into the right hands.
Elizabeth: Great. [everyone claps]
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Michael: You got it?
Dwight: Mm-hmm.
Michael: OK, fettuccine alfredo, time to carbo-load.
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Michael: Just remember folks, it’s not about winning, it is about finishing.
Dwight: On your marks, get set…
Michael: [pulls Toby’s pants down] Beow!
Toby: Hey! [extremely loud gunshot]
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Michael: On your left!
Oscar: You’re doing great Michael, look at you go!
Creed: That’s my boss! Yeah-ha baby!
Michael: I am fast! I’m very fast! I’m like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot. [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar get into a cab]
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Stanley: Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.
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Andy: I’ve walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance. [running right behind Kevin]
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Pam: Yeah. [laughs] Oh we’re in last place.
Jim: Oh, would you look at that.
Pam: Darn it.
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Jan: Water? Water? [Toby gabs water, drinks, then throws back at Jan] Water babe?
Michael: No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water… solidarity!
Jan: Michael that’s irrational.
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Michael: Rabies victims… have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So… least I could do.
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Andy: Oh God! My nipples, it’s starting.
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Creed: [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar sitting at a table] Can we get another round?
Waitress: OK.
Creed: Thanks.
Stanley: So we’ve got what, another 20 minutes?
Oscar: More or less.
Stanley: Hmmm…
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Michael: That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.
Dwight: You’ve got nothing to worry about, I put Imodium in Toby’s coffee before the race.
Michael: [laughs] Excellent! …Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax?
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Toby: I’m makin’ great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this, but not today.
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Jim: Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in?
Pam: I don’t know I’m really committed to winning.
Jim: OK, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that’s already been cured.
Pam: Mmm… Yes.
Jim: That’s what I thought.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Right. Let’s do some good.
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Ryan: [Ryan looks at the phone as it rings… [Pam’s voice] [You have reached the offices of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael Scott, DM FM PMC rabies awareness Pro-Am fun run race… [Michael’s voice] for the cure… [Pam’s voice] leave a message” Ryan hangs up]
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Michael: [Burp] Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I’m getting a stitch. [groans]
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Andy: [runs into the back of Kevin] Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin.
Kevin: Back off me.
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Dwight: How ya feeling, better?
Angela: No.
Dwight: Well you look cute as a button. You’ve worked up quite a sweat.
Angela: The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab.
Dwight: I am a farmer Angela.
Angela: What does that mean?
Dwight: OK, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don’t have the stomach to do.
Angela: You did kill her!?
Dwight: I… I sang her, her favorite songs.
Angela: You put her in my freezer.
Dwight: It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.
Angela: Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.
Dwight: Well I’m not responsible for that!
Angela: You! [hits Dwight]
Dwight: Hey, Oww! [looks around to onlookers] It’s OK.
Angela: It’s OK.
Dwight: It’s nothing, I’m robbing her.
Angela: It’s nothing.
Dwight: It’s fine. What?
Angela: How could you do that without telling me?
Dwight: I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how.
Angela: Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you don’t get there if you’re euthanized.
Dwight: I know a great taxidermist. I’ll pay to have her stuffed. Well he’s not great, but he’s pretty good.
Angela: You don’t understand.
Michael: [runs by] Take bat bites seriously. Don’t get bit.
Dwight: Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela?
Angela: Don’t touch me Dwight! [runs off crying]
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Pam: [holding lamp] You like it? It’s kinda designy and cool, it was $8.00.
Jim: Oh, and I get to carry it.
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Toby: [crosses finish line] And the winner is Toby Flenderson.
Kelly: Have a seat, I’ll write it down.
Toby: Where are we?
Kelly: I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office.
Toby: He couldn’t have made it a circle?
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Michael: [bent over] I am not going to finish. I can’t beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it. [Creed,Stanley, and Oscar pass by in the cab and get out at the finish line]
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Jim: …talk about it.
Pam: Yeah probably. Hey, Michael?
Jim: What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or…
Michael: I can’t finish. I feel so weak, I just…
Jim: Well, you’re probably dehydrated.
Michael: What do you want me to do Jim?
Jim: Glass of water would be a start.
Michael: No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They’re deformed, and they’re abnormal, and… they’re illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don’t have any money. Public TV is bust. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t… you know. There’s just one of me, and there’s a thousand of them. And rabies wins.
Jim: Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day.
Pam: I’m still having a nice day.
Jim: You are?
Pam: Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00.
Michael: That’s a good deal.
Pam: And Michael, you don’t have rabies. And chances are you’re not going to get it anytime soon. So… you don’t really have to think about it too much.
Michael: Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.
Pam: Yeah, but there’s other, better people out there who are helping.
Michael: You just don’t think I am capable, of making a difference.
Pam: I know you Michael, I saw you naked.
Michael: You don’t, you don’t know me. You’ve just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I’m the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this… GD 5k [gets up groaning, Jim tries to help] No, no!
-
Michael: Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That’s why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I’m very, very proud of that.
-
Meredith: Hey Michael.
Michael: Hey Mer. How ya doing?
Meredith: Better.
Michael: It’s ironic isn’t it? I mean I’m in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you’re in it for a disease that causes the fear of water.
Meredith: I’m in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so I’m not mad at you anymore.
Michael: Thanks, I’m not mad at you anymore. [sighs, takes sucker out of his mouth] Wanna share?
Meredith: Sure.
Michael: I’m not really sick. [Meredith takes a lick and hands back to Michael] Nah, I’m good.
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Michael:  Did you ever think of this?  Would a sober person walk in front of a car?
Andy: Ay-o!
Jim:  I’m sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 AM?
Michael:  Well…
Phyllis: That’s despicable.
Pam: Michael.
Someone: That’s not cool.
Oscar: There’s no proof of that.
Michael: That’s not…
Kevin: That seems early, even for her.
Michael: That’s not what…no, no, I’m not saying that, that’s disgusting.
-
Meredith: Drunk?  No!  You can’t get drunk off Kahlua.  It’s just a kind of coffee.
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Andy:  Then… what are you saying?
Michael:  I am saying… that… maybe I was drunk.  Did you ever think of that?
Jim:  Definitely not.
Kevin:  That’d be DUI.
Phyllis:  That’s…
Michael:  Okay.
-
Michael:  Maybe she hit me.  You ever think of that?  She hit me?  I don’t know whose fault it was.  I wasn’t exactly looking at the road.
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Pam:  Hey, Toby. [walks past him to Kelly’s cubicle]
Toby:  Hey.
Pam:  Kelly, we’re going to visit Meredith at lunch.  [Kelly’s lying down on floor, head unseen under desk.  She rolls to her side, away from Pam]  Kelly?
-
Toby:  Well, Kelly’s been so upset about Ryan dumping her, that she can’t even talk. [grins]
Kelly: [from under desk]  I don’t want to talk to anybody about Ryan!  Please, go away!
-
Angela:  They don’t have this kind of technology at the vet’s.  It’s not far.
Oscar:  It’s fair.
Michael:  You know what, why don’t go around the room and say one memory of Meredith.  I’ll start.  I liked her jumpers.  They reminded me of Kindergarten.  Jim?
Kevin:  I’ll always remember Meredith’s back.  That’s all I can see from my desk.  All that red hair, over a nice strong back.  Sometimes I pretend it’s Carrot Top, and he’s going to turn around and tell a joke.
Andy:  So, how’s the view old girl?  [looking out windows]  Oh!  There’s a cemetery.  You think that’s affiliated with the hospital, or is it a like a separate feature…
Michael:  Hey! Okay, okay, okay,    You can just close that.
Angela:  Bye, Meredith.  Here you go.  We got you some balloons.
Meredith:  See you guys. [chorus of goodbyes, all but Michael file out as he’s talking, Creed takes Meredith’s pills]
Michael:  Let’s just… Why can’t you just forgive… Why, why are you having such a hard time laughing this off?  How do you know that you weren’t born with some sort of abnormal pelvis that it was just bound to crack at some point?
Meredith:  Oh please, Michael.
Michael:  I’m not going to leave until you forgive me.
Meredith:  You’re gonna be here a long time.
Michael: [standing for a while, sighs, turns to walk out] Oh, okay.
Meredith:  Nurse!  I just need some water.  And my pills.  Thank you.
Nurse:  There you go.
Meredith:  There’s nothing in here.
-
Michael:  This office is cursed.  [sighs]  And we need to do something about it.
Jim:  Conference room?
Michael:  Maybe the conference room, maybe the annex.  I’m just saying, at least right here [indicates floor in front of his office] is cursed.  Conference room, 10 minutes.
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Michael:  On the one hand, it’s a relief to know that it’s not just me, the whole office is cursed.  On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown.
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Dwight:  Question: Has anyone recently offended a Gypsy?
Michael:  We have to have done something wrong.
Stanley:  You ran over an employee.
Michael:  That was the curse, Stanley, and we are trying to find the cause of the curse.
Dwight:  Mmm.  [nods]
Michael:  Oscar, are you Santaria?
Oscar:  I was raised Catholic, but I’m agnostic now, so I guess I’m a secular humanist.
Michael:  Oh.  Great.  We have a secular humanist here, that is disgusting.
Oscar:  Michael, do you know what secular humanism is?
Michael:  Yes.  It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition.
Oscar: Oh.
Michael:  Stupid.
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Dwight:  My cousin Mose’s best friend was a dog.  One day, he was foaming at the mouth, so I had to shoot him dead.  Turns out, he had only eaten one of Mose’s cream pies.  Did I feel bad for killing him?  No.  That’s how you deal with a thief.
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Michael:  Yeah, the, uh, the charity’s having some financial problems.  What do I look like to you, Paul Newman?  That’s actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face.  And I make my own salad dressing.  I mix Newman’s Ranch with Newman’s Italian.  Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss.  I could make… I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone [shakes head] but I won’t do it.
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Michael:  Whoa, ‘scuse me!  Oh!
Bob Vance:  Let… let’s pick it up, Phyllis!
Michael:  Oh, slow!  Oh, ho, ho, ho. [laughing as he passes Phyllis and Bob]  You guys are going so slow…
Phyllis:  Go get him Bobby!
Michael:  Come on, I’m going backwards.
Phyllis:  Sic him!
Michael:  Oh, all right!  All right!  All right!  All right!
Phyllis:  Sic him!
Michael:  Okay! [Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint, Michael grunting]
-
Pediatrician: You’re gonna be just fine, Michael!  You’re gonna have a good life.
Michael:  Thanks.
Pediatrician:  Lots of people suffer dehydration; they all recover just fine.
-
Pediatrician:  I’m Michael’s pediatrician.  Dehydration’s pretty simple.  He could also have been treated by a Boy Scout leader, a coach, or a, a… a water bottle.
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Michael:  Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay.  I will be paying out-of-pocket.  Um… I kinda wish I’d been hit by a car.
-
Michael:  Hey, doc?  You forgetting something? [pediatrician takes a lollypop from his pocket and gives it to Michael]  Thank you.