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<meta property="og:description" content="Written by Dan Sterling Directed by John Krasinski Original Air Date: November 8, 2012 Transcribed by Christine Oscar: [to camera crew] Can you guys come with me for a minute? Oscar: I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I&#8217;m in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I &hellip;" />
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var random_text = new random_text();
// Set the number of text strings to zero to start
var number = 0;
// Incremental list of all possible Text
random_text[number++] = "I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair."
random_text[number++] = "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!"
random_text[number++] = "Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you. "
random_text[number++] = "I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager. "
random_text[number++] = "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."
random_text[number++] = "Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! FALSE. I do not miss him."
random_text[number++] = "No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded."
random_text[number++] = "Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude."
random_text[number++] = "I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman."
random_text[number++] = "That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you."
random_text[number++] = "I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?"
random_text[number++] = "The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays."
random_text[number++] = "That's what she said. Or he said."
random_text[number++] = "I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?"
random_text[number++] = "No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer."
random_text[number++] = "Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ."
random_text[number++] = "You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin."
random_text[number++] = "I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third."
random_text[number++] = "They always want credit for something they supposed to do! What you want a cookie?"
random_text[number++] = "'...in this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck. He's going to lose it when he reads that."
random_text[number++] = "This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here."
random_text[number++] = "Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "Come on, Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on."
random_text[number++] = "You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended."
random_text[number++] = "That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive."
random_text[number++] = "Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."
random_text[number++] = "Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
random_text[number++] = "He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom."
random_text[number++] = "I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion."
random_text[number++] = "Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
random_text[number++] = "It's an epidemic."
random_text[number++] = "Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, hey, everybody. Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh!"
random_text[number++] = "OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?"
random_text[number++] = "See I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?"
random_text[number++] = "I think green is kind of whoreish."
random_text[number++] = "Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so..."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath."
random_text[number++] = "One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision."
random_text[number++] = "He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself."
random_text[number++] = "I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box."
random_text[number++] = "And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt."
random_text[number++] = "Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine."
random_text[number++] = "Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0."
random_text[number++] = "Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike."
random_text[number++] = "Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?"
random_text[number++] = "Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? "
random_text[number++] = "I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?"
random_text[number++] = "Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great."
random_text[number++] = "Who? Dave Barry?"
random_text[number++] = "It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk."
random_text[number++] = "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it."
random_text[number++] = "And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!"
random_text[number++] = "This says 'Bushiest Beaver.'"
random_text[number++] = "No, no. Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink!"
random_text[number++] = "And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WOOOOOOOO!"
random_text[number++] = "I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms."
random_text[number++] = "Every so often, Jim dies of boredom."
random_text[number++] = "You see Dwight's coffee mug? Sometimes when he's not here I try to throw things in it."
random_text[number++] = "You try and hurt Mozart, you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. "
random_text[number++] = "Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?'"
random_text[number++] = "We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I got a game. It's called work hard so my kids can go to college."
random_text[number++] = "I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants."
random_text[number++] = "If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton."
random_text[number++] = "There's a basic principle in real estate. That you should never be the best looking person in the development."
random_text[number++] = "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?"
random_text[number++] = "I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you."
random_text[number++] = "Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. "
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom. Gay friendly."
random_text[number++] = "No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble."
random_text[number++] = "You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?"
random_text[number++] = "I tried hopping Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to"
random_text[number++] = "Ok, see you later, Pan."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, please. I have Country Crock."
random_text[number++] = "Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!"
random_text[number++] = "Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. And he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel."
random_text[number++] = "He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works."
random_text[number++] = "I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick..."
random_text[number++] = "The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion."
random_text[number++] = "Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese."
random_text[number++] = "You can't fire me. I don't work in this van!"
random_text[number++] = "Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"
random_text[number++] = "Me so horny. Me love you long tim."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?"
random_text[number++] = "I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.'"
random_text[number++] = "Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down."
random_text[number++] = "Let's go. The men's room was disgusting."
random_text[number++] = "No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear."
random_text[number++] = "We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time."
random_text[number++] = "'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Who knows how words are formed."
random_text[number++] = "Um... Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi."
random_text[number++] = "You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!"
random_text[number++] = "I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays."
random_text[number++] = "You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence."
random_text[number++] = "And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'"
random_text[number++] = "I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow."
random_text[number++] = "But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... "
random_text[number++] = "Oomp-a-Loomp-a-Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome."
random_text[number++] = "Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doopity-doomp."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed."
random_text[number++] = "One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered."
random_text[number++] = "And when I came to, I had an epiphery."
random_text[number++] = "Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever."
random_text[number++] = "You just twist your hand until something breaks."
random_text[number++] = "Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. We will demonstrate on Pam."
random_text[number++] = "This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. ... So I am instituting prima nocta."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay."
random_text[number++] = "It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys."
random_text[number++] = "It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck."
random_text[number++] = "Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever."
random_text[number++] = "Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies."
random_text[number++] = "SHUT UP ANGELA!"
random_text[number++] = "Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats."
random_text[number++] = "Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings."
random_text[number++] = "Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'"
random_text[number++] = "Michael, Dwight would like your man meat."
random_text[number++] = "You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art."
random_text[number++] = "You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag."
random_text[number++] = "Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?"
random_text[number++] = "I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure."
random_text[number++] = "Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't."
random_text[number++] = "She's prettier than you though."
random_text[number++] = "That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin."
random_text[number++] = "Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "Not that we're all millionaires. ...I'm probably closest."
random_text[number++] = "Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really."
random_text[number++] = "Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!"
random_text[number++] = "No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair."
random_text[number++] = "Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base."
random_text[number++] = "It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five."
random_text[number++] = "Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool."
random_text[number++] = "Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?"
random_text[number++] = "When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too."
random_text[number++] = "Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is."
random_text[number++] = "And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you."
random_text[number++] = "What a pair of Mary's."
random_text[number++] = "Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes."
random_text[number++] = "You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?"
random_text[number++] = "Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time."
random_text[number++] = "Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over."
random_text[number++] = "AM or PM?"
random_text[number++] = "Three hundred and sixty four days, till the next Pretzel Day."
random_text[number++] = "'Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.'"
random_text[number++] = "New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name."
random_text[number++] = "It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes!"
random_text[number++] = "I hooked up with her on February 13th."
random_text[number++] = "Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there."
random_text[number++] = "You mean, like a ham?"
random_text[number++] = "Great Scott!"
random_text[number++] = "Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving."
random_text[number++] = "You're evil, like a hobbit."
random_text[number++] = "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
random_text[number++] = "Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went."
random_text[number++] = "I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October."
random_text[number++] = "In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing."
random_text[number++] = "Do you want us to run aground, woman?!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Let's break up."
random_text[number++] = "Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication."
random_text[number++] = "BFD. Engaged ain't married."
random_text[number++] = "Never, ever, ever give up."
random_text[number++] = "If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?"
random_text[number++] = "Kevin! That's inappropriate."
random_text[number++] = "Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both."
random_text[number++] = "I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis."
random_text[number++] = "Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
random_text[number++] = "Is your password Frodo? Did you just change it to Gollum?"
random_text[number++] = "Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So..."
random_text[number++] = "This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head."
random_text[number++] = "I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? ... I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding."
random_text[number++] = "This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right."
random_text[number++] = "Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers."
random_text[number++] = "You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job!"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword!'"
random_text[number++] = "Please don't throw garbage at me."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, there he is! Secret weapon!"
random_text[number++] = "Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those!"
random_text[number++] = "Same team, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend!"
random_text[number++] = "Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister."
random_text[number++] = "Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right?"
random_text[number++] = "And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer."
random_text[number++] = "It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom."
random_text[number++] = "I don't believe you. Continue."
random_text[number++] = "We've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day."
random_text[number++] = "Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people."
random_text[number++] = "There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays."
random_text[number++] = "Why are you the way that you are?"
random_text[number++] = "Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way."
random_text[number++] = "I hate so much about the things that you choose to be."
random_text[number++] = "Guys, the Afghanistananies."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried."
random_text[number++] = "And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Dinkin' flicka."
random_text[number++] = "You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say."
random_text[number++] = "We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?"
random_text[number++] = "Jan Levinson, I presume?"
random_text[number++] = "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson."
random_text[number++] = "Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. Honestly, I love stealing things."
random_text[number++] = "Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all!"
random_text[number++] = "Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows."
random_text[number++] = "Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. ...Did you believe me?"
random_text[number++] = "One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can."
random_text[number++] = "Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers!"
random_text[number++] = "Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator."
random_text[number++] = "I was just... I'm in love with you."
random_text[number++] = "I just needed you to know. Once."
random_text[number++] = "Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that."
random_text[number++] = "Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am."
random_text[number++] = "And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out."
random_text[number++] = "It's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry."
random_text[number++] = "I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
random_text[number++] = "What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So..."
random_text[number++] = "Because in this office, it is 'till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized."
random_text[number++] = "It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor."
random_text[number++] = "Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist."
random_text[number++] = "Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club."
random_text[number++] = "Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true."
random_text[number++] = "OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?"
random_text[number++] = "I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death."
random_text[number++] = "Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable."
random_text[number++] = "When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
random_text[number++] = "And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'."
random_text[number++] = "Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage."
random_text[number++] = "'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'"
random_text[number++] = "'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'"
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end."
random_text[number++] = "And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?"
random_text[number++] = "It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled."
random_text[number++] = "Yeppers."
random_text[number++] = "And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars."
random_text[number++] = "Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it."
random_text[number++] = "Wikipedia... is the best thing ever."
random_text[number++] = "Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius."
random_text[number++] = "I am declining to speak first."
random_text[number++] = "Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants."
random_text[number++] = "So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery."
random_text[number++] = "Make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes."
random_text[number++] = "For example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way over paid."
random_text[number++] = "So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---"
random_text[number++] = "Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go."
random_text[number++] = "What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor."
random_text[number++] = "Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "Jim--- Roy--- Look out!"
random_text[number++] = "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?"
random_text[number++] = "You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex."
random_text[number++] = "It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial."
random_text[number++] = "It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed."
random_text[number++] = "All right, Levinson. Here's the rub."
random_text[number++] = "But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "So look out Dunder Mifflin'! I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... "
random_text[number++] = "You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono."
random_text[number++] = "It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school."
random_text[number++] = "Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs."
random_text[number++] = "I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't."
random_text[number++] = "I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."
random_text[number++] = "Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour."
random_text[number++] = "Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!"
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?"
random_text[number++] = "No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid."
random_text[number++] = "It has to be official, and it has to be urine."
random_text[number++] = "I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair."
random_text[number++] = "And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay?"
random_text[number++] = "A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens."
random_text[number++] = "My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish."
random_text[number++] = "Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!"
random_text[number++] = "When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help!"
random_text[number++] = "Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it."
random_text[number++] = "Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you!"
random_text[number++] = "I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut."
random_text[number++] = "It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's your favorite song."
random_text[number++] = "You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this."
random_text[number++] = "It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal."
random_text[number++] = "Happy birth moment, Michael."
random_text[number++] = "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair."
random_text[number++] = "I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
random_text[number++] = "No cookie.'"
random_text[number++] = "Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner."
random_text[number++] = "Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry."
random_text[number++] = "Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls."
random_text[number++] = "You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense."
random_text[number++] = "Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day."
random_text[number++] = "I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel."
random_text[number++] = "I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
random_text[number++] = "Why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle."
random_text[number++] = "I'm learning that 'fun' for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me."
random_text[number++] = "That's your name? Mister Poop?"
random_text[number++] = "Are you Mother Goose?"
random_text[number++] = "Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life."
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?"
random_text[number++] = "I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend."
random_text[number++] = "I need a username. And... I have a great one. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at."
random_text[number++] = "Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?"
random_text[number++] = "Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke."
random_text[number++] = "'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...'"
random_text[number++] = "It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'."
random_text[number++] = "Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about."
random_text[number++] = "Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me."
random_text[number++] = "The very best of luck to you, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "I always set it at 69."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married."
random_text[number++] = "Blood alone moves the wheels of history!"
random_text[number++] = "WE ARE WARRIORS!"
random_text[number++] = "I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death."
random_text[number++] = "Man, this must be torture for you."
random_text[number++] = "So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation?"
random_text[number++] = "It's Grrrrrrape! Soda."
random_text[number++] = "Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic, order some 'za. Talk about you know who."
random_text[number++] = "Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings."
random_text[number++] = "Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken."
random_text[number++] = "Including prep time?"
random_text[number++] = "If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too."
random_text[number++] = "You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?"
random_text[number++] = "You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me."
random_text[number++] = "You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all."
random_text[number++] = "So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis."
random_text[number++] = "People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust.'"
random_text[number++] = "An emergency like, you have an ice cream cake, and you're in the sun, and it's melting?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't use it to buy refrigerators, Kevin!"
random_text[number++] = "Drew. I'm Drew now."
random_text[number++] = "I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies."
random_text[number++] = "I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!"
random_text[number++] = "And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!'"
random_text[number++] = "Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life."
random_text[number++] = "This is shenanigans, foolishness, NERF-ball. You live a sweet, little, NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it."
random_text[number++] = "What, NERF isn't cool anymore?"
random_text[number++] = "Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant."
random_text[number++] = "You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science."
random_text[number++] = "Indubitably."
random_text[number++] = "Ta-freakin'-da!"
random_text[number++] = "Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato."
random_text[number++] = "Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes."
random_text[number++] = "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss! Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!"
random_text[number++] = "Un-shun. Never. Re-shun."
random_text[number++] = "The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, you ignorant slut."
random_text[number++] = "Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!"
random_text[number++] = "My head is in such pain! And turmoil!"
random_text[number++] = "If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude."
random_text[number++] = "I Braveheart."
random_text[number++] = "I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes."
random_text[number++] = "You look as beautiful as the Queen of England."
random_text[number++] = "We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
random_text[number++] = "Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought."
random_text[number++] = "There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
random_text[number++] = "I look really good in white."
random_text[number++] = "Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning."
random_text[number++] = "Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia."
random_text[number++] = "Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch."
random_text[number++] = "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia."
random_text[number++] = "How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable."
random_text[number++] = "All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever."
random_text[number++] = "I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?"
random_text[number++] = "Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on."
random_text[number++] = "Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it."
random_text[number++] = "He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.'"
random_text[number++] = "I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness."
random_text[number++] = "Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity."
random_text[number++] = "So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga."
random_text[number++] = "I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all."
random_text[number++] = "Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive."
random_text[number++] = "I don't trust you, Phyllis!"
random_text[number++] = "Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny!"
random_text[number++] = "That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?"
random_text[number++] = "It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man."
random_text[number++] = "I think we broke his brain."
random_text[number++] = "No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?"
random_text[number++] = "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!"
random_text[number++] = "You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon."
random_text[number++] = "He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away."
random_text[number++] = "Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing."
random_text[number++] = "Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?"
random_text[number++] = "How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue."
random_text[number++] = "Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... Packer@DunderMifflin.com... Packaging'@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh."
random_text[number++] = "Boring. Call me if she rolls over."
random_text[number++] = "It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.'"
random_text[number++] = "I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah."
random_text[number++] = "I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that."
random_text[number++] = "Did you try the petting zoo?"
random_text[number++] = "Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat."
random_text[number++] = "So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?"
random_text[number++] = "And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well."
random_text[number++] = "Jan, you... complete... me."
random_text[number++] = "What am I going to do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art."
random_text[number++] = "I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks."
random_text[number++] = "You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive."
random_text[number++] = "If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?"
random_text[number++] = "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
random_text[number++] = "May your hats fly as high as your dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on."
random_text[number++] = "Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made."
random_text[number++] = "Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!"
random_text[number++] = "The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... Oh well."
random_text[number++] = "There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel."
random_text[number++] = "If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania."
random_text[number++] = "Or... a Whatchamacallit. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand. Satisfied?"
random_text[number++] = "The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies."
random_text[number++] = "But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."
random_text[number++] = "You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning."
random_text[number++] = "Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease."
random_text[number++] = "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
random_text[number++] = "It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them."
random_text[number++] = "Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art."
random_text[number++] = "Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
random_text[number++] = "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"
random_text[number++] = "I am upset. Don't I sound upset?"
random_text[number++] = "Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime."
random_text[number++] = "Midnight, Oscar!'"
random_text[number++] = "This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-"
random_text[number++] = "I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing."
random_text[number++] = "I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!"
random_text[number++] = "That's what happened to O.J."
random_text[number++] = "I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man."
random_text[number++] = "I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies."
random_text[number++] = "Beer me!"
random_text[number++] = "I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time."
random_text[number++] = "Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet."
random_text[number++] = "Lord, beer me strength."
random_text[number++] = "Those are the money beets."
random_text[number++] = "Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really."
random_text[number++] = "Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony."
random_text[number++] = "May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling."
random_text[number++] = "Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right."
random_text[number++] = "I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline!"
random_text[number++] = "By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team."
random_text[number++] = "If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me."
random_text[number++] = "If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."
random_text[number++] = "I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?"
random_text[number++] = "MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic..."
random_text[number++] = "And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage."
random_text[number++] = "Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key..."
random_text[number++] = "Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm."
random_text[number++] = "Another worm? Like, are they friends?"
random_text[number++] = "Let me smell. ... Good, not great."
random_text[number++] = "So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy."
random_text[number++] = "Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend."
random_text[number++] = "It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces."
random_text[number++] = "Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star."
random_text[number++] = "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No? Then you are an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management."
random_text[number++] = "I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station."
random_text[number++] = "Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?"
random_text[number++] = "I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party."
random_text[number++] = "I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling."
random_text[number++] = "Don't break up you guys, you're great together."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation."
random_text[number++] = "I think I just got flashed."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I'll call the real police."
random_text[number++] = "The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?"
random_text[number++] = "If that's flashing, then lock me up."
random_text[number++] = "Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul."
random_text[number++] = "Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. ... ... I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."
random_text[number++] = "And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me."
random_text[number++] = "For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. "
random_text[number++] = "Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free."
random_text[number++] = "There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. "
random_text[number++] = "And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take."
random_text[number++] = "Phallus?"
random_text[number++] = "Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things."
random_text[number++] = "Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen."
random_text[number++] = "If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?"
random_text[number++] = "Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women."
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited."
random_text[number++] = "Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny."
random_text[number++] = "No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist."
random_text[number++] = "Michael. When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian."
random_text[number++] = "My car, my rules."
random_text[number++] = "I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it."
random_text[number++] = "Many women are competent drivers."
random_text[number++] = "This is what we know'."
random_text[number++] = "I figured. It's cool. I don't <20> I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway."
random_text[number++] = "What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese."
random_text[number++] = "Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome."
random_text[number++] = "I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls."
random_text[number++] = "Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex."
random_text[number++] = "And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it."
random_text[number++] = "You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan?"
random_text[number++] = "Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested."
random_text[number++] = "She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles."
random_text[number++] = "But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked."
random_text[number++] = "I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly."
random_text[number++] = "You know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear."
random_text[number++] = "Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?"
random_text[number++] = "Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute."
random_text[number++] = "Not it. I don't have eggs."
random_text[number++] = "About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?"
random_text[number++] = "It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes... you just gots to get your freak on."
random_text[number++] = "May God guide you in your quest."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt. Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse."
random_text[number++] = "Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, you can't swim in leather pants. I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally."
random_text[number++] = "I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head."
random_text[number++] = "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
random_text[number++] = "If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I hope there will be management parables."
random_text[number++] = "Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know?"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "No, the blue team."
random_text[number++] = "Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him."
random_text[number++] = "There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon."
random_text[number++] = "I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!"
random_text[number++] = "There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking."
random_text[number++] = "Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily."
random_text[number++] = "The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world."
random_text[number++] = "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!"
random_text[number++] = "Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!"
random_text[number++] = "Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team."
random_text[number++] = "If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day."
random_text[number++] = "I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!"
random_text[number++] = "At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units."
random_text[number++] = "How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital."
random_text[number++] = "Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends."
random_text[number++] = "What's different about you? You look worse."
random_text[number++] = "What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut."
random_text[number++] = "Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless."
random_text[number++] = "Pam is... kind of a bitch."
random_text[number++] = "Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... Moon each other."
random_text[number++] = "Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said."
random_text[number++] = "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out."
random_text[number++] = "I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time."
random_text[number++] = "My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem."
random_text[number++] = "Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time."
random_text[number++] = "I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front."
random_text[number++] = "I am gonna be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never."
random_text[number++] = "No. And the sheets are made of fire."
random_text[number++] = "Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town."
random_text[number++] = "You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!"
random_text[number++] = "Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?"
random_text[number++] = "I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers."
random_text[number++] = "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots."
random_text[number++] = "I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement."
random_text[number++] = "That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent."
random_text[number++] = "Cause I am what I am. ... That's Popeye."
random_text[number++] = "I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?"
random_text[number++] = "I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous."
random_text[number++] = "Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger."
random_text[number++] = "That is Beardy."
random_text[number++] = "Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means."
random_text[number++] = "I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'"
random_text[number++] = "So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?"
random_text[number++] = "There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.'"
random_text[number++] = "In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again."
random_text[number++] = "What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?"
random_text[number++] = "The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns."
random_text[number++] = "Is it because of these?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey! You're<i/> unstable!"
random_text[number++] = "David, I did not tell her."
random_text[number++] = "I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. It could work. This could work, really!"
random_text[number++] = "Why is my office black?"
random_text[number++] = "So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere."
random_text[number++] = "This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones."
random_text[number++] = "But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay."
random_text[number++] = "Pam. Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?"
random_text[number++] = "All right. Then... it's a date."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry, what was the question?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage."
random_text[number++] = "No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then?"
random_text[number++] = "We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat."
random_text[number++] = "We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end."
random_text[number++] = "I stole it!"
random_text[number++] = "If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor."
random_text[number++] = "If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!"
random_text[number++] = "Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid."
random_text[number++] = "Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela."
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<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
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<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
</div>
</aside>
</div>
<main id="main" class="col-md-6 site-main" role="main">
<article id="post-220" class="post-220 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-uncategorized">
<header class="entry-header">
<h1 class="entry-title">Season 9 &#8211; Episode 6 &#8220;The Boat&#8221;</h1>
<div class="entry-meta">
</div><!-- .entry-meta -->
</header><!-- .entry-header -->
<div class="entry-content">
<p>Written by Dan Sterling <br />Directed by John Krasinski <br />Original Air Date: November 8, 2012 <br />Transcribed by Christine </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> [to camera crew] Can you guys come with me for a minute? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I&#8217;m in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity and discretion. [turns to see Kevin has overheard him]&#8230;Why? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Alright, good. Yeah. Just sell it and get the best price you can, okay? <br /><b>White:</b> Or we can hope for a holiday rally? <br /><b>Andy:</b> White, I&#8217;m not a day trader, I&#8217;m just a first responder in a disaster. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Andy&#8217;s family had a total meltdown. His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman. <br /><b>Jim:</b> And his brother, Walt Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar. <br /><b>Pam:</b> The weirdest part is Andy. The aftermath got dumped on him and the way he&#8217;s been handling it is just..so.. <br /><b>Jim:</b> Competent. <br /><b>Pam:</b> Right? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Are the &#8216;Nard&#8217;s hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family shattered, super sad. But, I&#8217;m kinda crushing it in the damage control department. So, that&#8217;s cool. I wish my dad could see me now. Of course he caused this whole mess, so, [bleep] him. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> Kevin, listen to me. I&#8217;m in love with the Senator. And I need time to sort this out in a responsible matter so I need your help in keeping it a secret because this means the world to me. Ok? <br /><b>Kevin:</b> That&#8217;s beautiful. No, I totally get that. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> Can you do this, Kevin? <br /><b>Kevin:</b> I really want to. Whatever happens, always remember that. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> I don&#8217;t know what that means. Hey, hey- </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [On phone] Oh, great! Yeah, um, I&#8217;ll get right back to you. [hangs up] Hey guys! Anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio? <br /><b>Creed:</b> Yeah, she hosts the Dr. Laura Show. <br /><b>Pam:</b> Nope, that&#8217;s Dr. Laura. Well, her show Biz Whiz wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to come on the air today. Does anybody feel particularly passionate about local business issues? [Dwight raises hand] <br /><b>Dwight:</b> I do! I do. I do. I do. I do. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you&#8217;re famous? [Pretends to be on phone] “Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt.” It&#8217;s that easy. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Meredith:</b> Hey, so that good looking single brother of yours? Heard he&#8217;s on a downward spiral with booze. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Yeah. He&#8217;s in rehab actually. <br /><b>Meredith:</b> Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour. <br /><b>Andy:</b> No, it&#8217;s in New Mexico. <br /><b>Meredith:</b> Oh&#8230;So..- how are you holding up? <br /><b>Andy:</b> We&#8217;re done Meredith. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [wagging tongue for voice exercises] blah blah blah, rat tat tat tittle tattled and prattled on about the little metal bottle, she spat a bit of spittle&#8230;[Group protests] <br /><b>Jim:</b> Dwight! <br /><b>Dwight:</b> &#8230;In a bitter battle..Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, OK? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason. <br /><b>Jim:</b> No, you chose yourself. <br /><b>Dwight:</b> [walking away] Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit&#8230;. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Alright, guys. A lot of assets here that my dad couldn&#8217;t steal. Now, first of all, there is the family boat. 43 foot Tartan Sloop. My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas, the sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom. <br /><b>Darryl:</b> Sounds great. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> Perfect. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Totally, except it is a no go. This boat was the heart and soul of the family. So&#8230;what else we got? Non-boat ideas. [Oscar looks outside conference room at Kevin and Angela at the copier] <br /><b>Kevin:</b> What happened? <br /><b>Angela:</b> Jammed. This day couldn&#8217;t get worse. [Kevin laughs] <br /><b>Kevin:</b> Yeah, I think this day could get worse. <br /><b>Angela:</b> What does that mean? <br /><b>Oscar:</b> Kevin! <br /><b>Kevin:</b> [to Angela] I don&#8217;t know what you&#8217;re talking about. [Thumbs up Oscar] <br /><b>Erin:</b> She could get like sixty packages of Ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Alright, what&#8217;s the grand total? Did we make our nut? <br /><b>Darryl:</b> If we sell everything but the boat, your mom should be set for about six months. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Guys, you don&#8217;t understand, this boat&#8217;s been in our family since before I was born. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Don&#8217;t you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories? <br /><b>Darryl:</b> I worked at a Jiffy Lube. <br /><b>Erin:</b> See? I bet you wouldn’t sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you Darryl? <br /><b>Darryl:</b> I would if I owned it and I went broke. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Alright, uh&#8230;alright. I&#8217;m gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Yes the boat means everything to my family, but we need the money. Got the memories, don&#8217;t need the boat. Can&#8217;t cry about it. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? [chokes up] Excuse me. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [On phone] Oh, OK. No problem. Thanks. Hey guys, WPTU called. The interview&#8217;s off. They&#8217;re opening a new cupcake store at the Steamtown Mall and Iris wants to cover that, so&#8230; <br /><b>Nellie:</b> Well why don&#8217;t I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple. <br /><b>Pam:</b> He&#8217;s gonna be disappointed. <br /><b>Jim:</b> Yes. He is. And you know what? We cannot let that happen. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pete:</b> Fax? <br /><b>Erin:</b> Oh yeah, just. Watermelon teeth. This isn&#8217;t how I would cheer up just anyone. But, it&#8217;s a girlfriend&#8217;s job to know her man and I know Andy. [laughs] He&#8217;s seriously juvenile. <br /><b>Pete:</b> Cool. He&#8217;s like 40 though, right? <br /><b>Erin:</b> Oh no, he couldn&#8217;t be more than late thirty&#8217;s. Tops. <br /><b>Pete:</b> Awesome. Have fun. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- [phone rings in break room, Dwight picks up] This is Dwight Shrute. <br /><b>Pam:</b> [on other end in conference room] Please hold for Ms. Black. <br /><b>Nellie:</b> [Darryl plays radio show music on keyboard] And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I&#8217;m Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin&#8217;s senior sales associate Dwight Shrute. <br /><b>Dwight:</b> Iris, thank you so much for having me. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> [muffled by watermelon teeth] Hey! My teeth are all this stuff in my mouth. [laughs] <br /><b>Andy:</b> Uh, did you need something? <br /><b>Erin:</b> Oh, I just need your signature on this. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Ok. [signs paper] thanks. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> Kevin, we&#8217;re out of 11-38 forms. Did you order more? <br /><b>Kevin:</b> I&#8230; did not. <br /><b>Angela:</b> I don&#8217;t know why I&#8217;m surprised. Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore. <br /><b>Kevin:</b> [laughing in Oscar&#8217;s direction] Oh really, Angela? That&#8217;s interesting. Cause I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you..oh! [Oscar makes sound trying to get him to shut up] I have to go to the bathroom! <br /><b>Angela:</b> That doesn&#8217;t surprise me. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> That actually wasn&#8217;t the worst cover. I&#8217;d say at least once a week, Kevin runs out of the room shouting that he has to go to the bathroom. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [In staff meeting] See these forms&#8230; <br /><b>Kevin:</b> I have to go to the bathroom! [runs out] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> [running from elevator] I have to go to the bathroom! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> [Drives away waving, then screeches to a stop and runs from car] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> Ok, who wants to go for a super fun lunch with a super fun girlfriend? <br /><b>Andy:</b> Look, it&#8217;s not that I don&#8217;t want- <br /><b>Erin:</b> Ok, come on. I got someone to cover the phones, I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place we could go for dessert&#8230;perfect. <br /><b>Andy:</b> All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldn&#8217;t let me. Said “You can&#8217;t be a skipper until you&#8217;re a man.” You know, I&#8217;d reach for the wheel and he&#8217;d smack my hand away. Well guess what? Now I&#8217;m the man of the family and&#8230; we&#8217;re selling the damn thing. So I&#8217;m never gonna have the chance. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Well, when does the boat leave, exactly? <br /><b>Andy:</b> Tonight. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Then screw lunch. Let&#8217;s go for a sunset sail. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Yeah right. It&#8217;s in Stamford, Connecticut. We have to leave like right now. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Ok, well then let&#8217;s leave like right now. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Yeah, ok. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Yeah! OK! Let&#8217;s go. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Seriously? <br /><b>Erin:</b> Of course, seriously. Get your coat on. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Alright. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Alright. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Let&#8217;s do it. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Let&#8217;s do it! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [On speakerphone] Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he&#8217;s not hands on. <br /><b>Nellie:</b> [As Iris] So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris. <br /><b>Nellie:</b> Uh, excuse me. [reading card held up by Jim] I&#8217;m being told by my sound engineer, Steve that uh there is a clinking sound coming from your end. Does your shirt have buttons? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> Yes..? <br /><b>Nellie:</b> [Jim mimes taking shirt off] I&#8217;m so sorry we&#8217;re going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together. <br /><b>Dwight:</b> [Takes shirt off] Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather- <br /><b>Nellie:</b> Oh, I&#8217;m so sorry. I am told we are still having problems Mr. Shrute. [Jim holds up card that says “Now Pants”] Your voice, it&#8217;s sounding a little feminine. <br /><b>Dwight:</b> That&#8217;s impossible. <br /><b>Nellie:</b> Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> That&#8217;s a tough one. <br /><b>Angela:</b> That man he&#8217;s up against is so dirty. And the senator&#8217;s just pushing back as hard as he can. <br /><b>Kevin:</b> Please, stop. <br /><b>Angela:</b> What? <br /><b>Kevin:</b> Please, stop. <br /><b>Angela:</b> Anyways, last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in. [Kevin laughs] <br /><b>Kevin:</b> [Getting up to leave] I can&#8217;t, it&#8217;s too much! [laughing] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> I&#8217;m in big trouble. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah, Oscar&#8217;s in big trouble. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [pantless] OK, how is my voice now? <br /><b>Nellie:</b> I&#8217;m getting the all clear from Steve, so Mr. Shrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> [holding hand over phone] This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They&#8217;re not gonna gotch me. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> [looking at folder he brought Toby]It&#8217;s clearly not an accounting mistake. <br /><b>Toby:</b> Yeah. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> So&#8230; <br /><b>Toby:</b> Kevin. His gambling problem must&#8217;ve resurfaced. I&#8217;m gonna have to send him home until I can do an investigation. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> Well, you&#8217;ve gotta do what you&#8217;ve gotta do. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! [Pam tells Jim to leave the conference room] I dare you to produce one credible source about this. <br /><b>Nellie:</b> Well, as it happens we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sandra Mc&#8230;Sandra Mick [points to Pam] <br /><b>Pam:</b> [changing voice] Good afternoon Iris, it&#8217;s a pleasure. <br /><b>Nellie:</b> Let&#8217;s get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic? <br /><b>Pam:</b> No the paper&#8217;s not toxic. <br /><b>Dwight:</b> Thank you Sandra! <br /><b>Pam:</b> Unless it&#8217;s exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic! <br /><b>Dwight:</b> Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled! [Jim runs panicked into break room] <br /><b>Jim:</b> What the heck is going on?! The stock prices are plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?! <br /><b>Dwight:</b> Get out of here moron! [Jim leaves] <br /><b>Nellie:</b> Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> uhhhh&#8230;.no one. <br /><b>Nellie:</b> Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> No, everything&#8217;s fine. <br /><b>Nellie:</b> Are you insulting my guests? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> [chokes up] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> [on phone] Yeah, I will be right there. Hey Oscar, what if I&#8217;m getting a promotion? <br /><b>Oscar:</b> I hope that&#8217;s it, Kevin. <br /><b>Kevin:</b> Me too. Cause then, I would get my own office. And I wouldn&#8217;t screw up your secret with Angela. I&#8217;ve been really worried about that. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Toby:</b> Hi, Kevin. Look, I need to talk to you about- <br /><b>Kevin:</b> Hi. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> Guys? Excuse me. Um, a quick word, please just.. <br /><b>Kevin:</b> Oscar, we&#8217;re in the middle of talking. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> Oh, you&#8217;re right I&#8217;m so sorry. Snack machine on me. [gives Kevin money] <br /><b>Kevin:</b> Oh that is nice. Classy move. [leaves] <br /><b>Dwight:</b> [yelling in break room] That&#8217;s what I&#8217;m saying! No of course not! <br /><b>Kevin:</b> What are you doing? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> Those figures I gave you? They&#8217;re false. <br /><b>Toby:</b> How? <br /><b>Oscar:</b> I was mad at Kevin, we had a fight and I acted vindictively. <br /><b>Toby:</b> So you set him up. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> Yes, he&#8217;s innocent. <br /><b>Toby:</b> I knew it. I knew it from the beginning it was possible. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> What are you talking about? I just did this now. <br /><b>Toby:</b> A few years ago, when I was on the jury of the Scranton Strangler.. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> Sure. <br /><b>Toby:</b> I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> That&#8217;s gotta be tough. <br /><b>Toby:</b> Tough? I put an innocent man on death row. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Nellie:</b> The fallout from this morning&#8217;s revelation continues to mount, since Mr. Dwight Shrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%. Mr. Shrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. Can we announce your resignation at this time? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> That&#8217;s yours? <br /><b>Andy:</b> That&#8217;s the family boat! <br /><b>Erin:</b> Oh my gosh, Andy! This is enormous! <br /><b>Andy:</b> Right? <br /><b>Erin:</b> I thought it was gonna be tiny. Oh my gosh it&#8217;s beautiful. So this is how your family came to America. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Boat Guy:</b> Move. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Sorry? <br /><b>Boat Guy:</b> Trying to rig a boat here. I don&#8217;t know how to do that when you&#8217;re standing in the way. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Sure, I um..I didn&#8217;t know. <br /><b>Boat Guy:</b> I&#8217;m not a ghost, so I can&#8217;t walk through people. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Ok. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Gee, he was salty. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Geez, a little bit. [to boat] How you doing old buddy? Missed you. <br /><b>Erin:</b> What does that one do? <br /><b>Andy:</b> It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing. <br /><b>Erin:</b> I wish I had seen you do it. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Really? <br /><b>Erin:</b> Yeah. <br /><b>Andy:</b> [Begins raising sail] Up she goes! <br /><b>Boat Guy:</b> Don&#8217;t do that. Don&#8217;t do that. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Oh, it&#8217;s OK. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner on me. <br /><b>Boat Guy:</b> Nope. Can&#8217;t do that. <br /><b>Andy:</b> You got it. You know what then, we&#8217;ll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor. [begins raising sail, boat guy slaps his hand] <br /><b>Boat Guy:</b> We&#8217;ve already started boarding. And no one is insured to rig her up right now except us. <br /><b>Andy:</b> You know what? Chill, ok? I own the boat. Not gonna sue myself. Alright, so just- [Raises sail, guys slaps hand again] wow. <br /><b>Boat Guy:</b> I can smack you all day if you keep touching what you&#8217;re not supposed to touch. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Ok, fine. <br /><b>Boat Guy:</b> OK. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Yeah, fine. <br /><b>Boat Guy:</b> Good stuff. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Good stuff. Nice stuff. [begins raising sail again when guy leaves, but he comes back and smacks Andy&#8217;s hand again] [bleep] Damn it! Screw you dad! ..ah. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> Well, we&#8217;re doing it. We&#8217;re finally having a picnic on the boat. <br /><b>Andy:</b> I&#8217;ve had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Fine. But I could have. <br /><b>Erin:</b> As long as we&#8217;re on this boat, as far as I&#8217;m concerned, you&#8217;re the captain. <br /><b>Andy:</b> I am the captain. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Yeah. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Right? <br /><b>Erin:</b> Yeah. <br /><b>Andy:</b> I&#8217;m the captain. [to boat guy] Hey, charm school. <br /><b>Boat Guy:</b> What? <br /><b>Andy:</b> I&#8217;m taking it over from here. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Nice! <br /><b>Boat Guy:</b> I hate to uh, ruin this moment&#8230;or breakdown, but you already signed the papers. So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the Bahamas in 10 days. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Yeah, I know cause I&#8217;m sailing it there. <br /><b>Boat Guy:</b> OK, no. I already said, you&#8217;re not getting back your deposit. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies, I paid for those. But how much for that cool fisherman sweater? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Nellie:</b> For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich. Where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company&#8217;s stock plummet and is taking a mailman hostage. On the line, we have chief of Greenwich Police, Mr. Bill Jackson [points to Jim]. <br /><b>Jim:</b> [using black voice] Good afternoon! [Darryl smacks his arm] <br /><b>Dwight:</b> Please sir! Spare him. Please. <br /><b>Jim:</b> Uh, this Wallace guy is lookin&#8217; at hard time. And we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said on record! <br /><b>Dwight:</b> Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I&#8217;ve got a solution. I know Wallace&#8217;s phone number, everyone hold, I&#8217;ll conference him in. <br /><b>Nellie:</b> Oh, Mr. Shrute, there&#8217;s really no need to, um involve Mr&#8230; Wallace. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> Do you even know what you&#8217;re doing? <br /><b>Andy:</b> Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail, I know to&#8230;I, I, these buttons control boat pumps and stuff. I also know where the booze stash is. So, hello. [Opens door, Andy&#8217;s brother is passed out inside] Walt? <br /><b>Walt Jr.:</b> Oh god, thank goodness you&#8217;re here. I was having a little trouble with this door. Yesterday. I um, I think it was yesterday. <br /><b>Andy:</b> I thought you were in rehab. <br /><b>Walt Jr.:</b> Yeah, uh, I just, I figured I&#8217;d get that first relapse out of the way. God, what&#8217;s happened to our family? Everything is so messed up! How did you even know I was in here? <br /><b>Andy:</b> I didn&#8217;t. I, I just came to say goodbye to the boat. But I&#8217;ve decided to sail it to Bermuda. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Bahamas, Andy. <br /><b>Andy:</b> Same thing. [To Walt] Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks, open ocean, no booze. You need this. I need it, we need this. Serious bro time, come on. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>David Wallace:</b> [On phone] Hello? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> David, is that you? <br /><b>David Wallace:</b> Dwight? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok? <br /><b>David Wallace:</b> Yeah? Are you ok? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> Oh, I&#8217;m OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David. <br /><b>David Wallace:</b> Well, thanks Dwight. <br /><b>Dwight:</b> You&#8217;re welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I&#8217;m gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok? <br /><b>David Wallace:</b> Dwight? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> Walk out of the house&#8230; <br /><b>David Wallace:</b> What? <br /><b>Dwight:</b> &#8230;with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you&#8217;re away in prison. <br /><b>David Wallace:</b> Ok, Dwight, gonna ask you to not call my cell anymore. Gotta go. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [enters main office, group claps] Wait a minute, you guys? You heard? <br /><b>All:</b> Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! <br /><b>Dwight:</b> [joins in] Shrute! Shrute! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Overall, I&#8217;d say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> Well Oscar, I did not get the promotion. He just wanted to update my personal information. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> Well, I am sorry Kevin. <br /><b>Angela:</b> Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion? <br /><b>Kevin:</b> You know what Angela? I- Oh my god. [Senator enters] <br /><b>Angela:</b> Honey! What are you doing here? <br /><b>Senator Liptop:</b> I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today. Oscar, you&#8217;re looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise? [touches Oscar&#8217;s shoulder. Oscar jumps away quickly] <br /><b>Oscar:</b> No. <br /><b>Angela:</b> Oscar? What is going on? What was that? <br /><b>Senator Liptop:</b> What was that? I&#8217;m sorry, I didn&#8217;t mean any offense. I was just trying to be friendly. <br /><b>Oscar:</b> You know what? I&#8217;m sorry. I overreacted. Because I&#8217;m stressed out. Why am I stressed out? Who&#8217;s not stressed out? Who&#8217;s not stressed out? Who- <br /><b>Kevin:</b> Come on Oscar, we&#8217;re not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious. Senator Lipton has a big election next week. We all need to give him our support. [claps, group joins] <br /><b>Senator Liptop:</b> Well, thanks everybody. <br /><b>Kevin:</b> It is really cool! U-S-A! U-S-A! <br /><b>Oscar:</b> U..s..a. U- </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> I have to say I&#8217;m impressed with Kevin. Uh, he showed a lot of self-control. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn&#8217;t even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Alright guys, cast us off. Walt, all aboard! Erin, this is because of you. Do you realize that? You&#8217;re the best ever! <br /><b>Erin:</b> [Standing on dock] Oh, you know. Just being a good girlfriend. <br /><b>Andy:</b> [pulling away from dock] Good? Come on. Above and beyond. World&#8217;s Greatest. You did this! Dammit I&#8217;m happy! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> Yes, I am very pleased I did help Andy. Would I have gone with him if he&#8217;d asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes. I think it would have been really fun and romantic. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> [waving from boat] I&#8217;ll see you in three weeks! <br /><b>Erin:</b> OK! <br /><b>Walt Jr.:</b> Hey bro! It was here all along. [holding guitar] <br /><b>Andy:</b> No way! <br /><b>Walt Jr.:</b> Way! <br /><b>Andy:</b> Erin I gotta go![Walt begins playing] Them&#8217;s my chords! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pete:</b> Hey. She&#8217;s back. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Thanks for covering the phones. <br /><b>Pete:</b> Yeah, no problem. How was it? <br /><b>Erin:</b> Fine. <br /><b>Pete:</b> Hey, some buddies of mine are going to Poor Richard&#8217;s for beers and pool, you wanna come? I can&#8217;t promise you too much, but uh, you might get to meet my friend flipper. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Does he have a flipper? <br /><b>Pete:</b> Oh. Nope. It&#8217;s not that, he uh, uh he flipped a table one time when he was drunk. <br /><b>Erin:</b> He sounds like an idiot. <br /><b>Pete:</b> Yeah, he is. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Ok. <br /><b>Pete:</b> Ok. <br /><b>Erin:</b> Thanks. <br /><b>Pete:</b> Yeah. </div>
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<aside id="text-7" class="widget widget_text"> <div class="textwidget"><p><u><b>Main</b></u></p>
<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
<a href="/specialThanks.php">Special Thanks</a><br />
<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<div>
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</div>
<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
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