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<meta property="og:description" content="Written by Paul Lieberstein Directed by Jeffrey Blitz Original Air Date: February 1st, 2008 Dwight: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] And nobody paid any attention. It&#8217;s my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [lights &hellip;" />
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var random_text = new random_text();
// Set the number of text strings to zero to start
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// Incremental list of all possible Text
random_text[number++] = "I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair."
random_text[number++] = "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!"
random_text[number++] = "Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you. "
random_text[number++] = "I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager. "
random_text[number++] = "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."
random_text[number++] = "Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! FALSE. I do not miss him."
random_text[number++] = "No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded."
random_text[number++] = "Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude."
random_text[number++] = "I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman."
random_text[number++] = "That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you."
random_text[number++] = "I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?"
random_text[number++] = "The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays."
random_text[number++] = "That's what she said. Or he said."
random_text[number++] = "I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?"
random_text[number++] = "No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer."
random_text[number++] = "Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ."
random_text[number++] = "You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin."
random_text[number++] = "I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third."
random_text[number++] = "They always want credit for something they supposed to do! What you want a cookie?"
random_text[number++] = "'...in this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck. He's going to lose it when he reads that."
random_text[number++] = "This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here."
random_text[number++] = "Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "Come on, Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on."
random_text[number++] = "You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended."
random_text[number++] = "That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive."
random_text[number++] = "Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."
random_text[number++] = "Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
random_text[number++] = "He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom."
random_text[number++] = "I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion."
random_text[number++] = "Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
random_text[number++] = "It's an epidemic."
random_text[number++] = "Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, hey, everybody. Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh!"
random_text[number++] = "OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?"
random_text[number++] = "See I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?"
random_text[number++] = "I think green is kind of whoreish."
random_text[number++] = "Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so..."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath."
random_text[number++] = "One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision."
random_text[number++] = "He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself."
random_text[number++] = "I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box."
random_text[number++] = "And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt."
random_text[number++] = "Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine."
random_text[number++] = "Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0."
random_text[number++] = "Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike."
random_text[number++] = "Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?"
random_text[number++] = "Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? "
random_text[number++] = "I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?"
random_text[number++] = "Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great."
random_text[number++] = "Who? Dave Barry?"
random_text[number++] = "It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk."
random_text[number++] = "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it."
random_text[number++] = "And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!"
random_text[number++] = "This says 'Bushiest Beaver.'"
random_text[number++] = "No, no. Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink!"
random_text[number++] = "And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WOOOOOOOO!"
random_text[number++] = "I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms."
random_text[number++] = "Every so often, Jim dies of boredom."
random_text[number++] = "You see Dwight's coffee mug? Sometimes when he's not here I try to throw things in it."
random_text[number++] = "You try and hurt Mozart, you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. "
random_text[number++] = "Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?'"
random_text[number++] = "We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I got a game. It's called work hard so my kids can go to college."
random_text[number++] = "I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants."
random_text[number++] = "If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton."
random_text[number++] = "There's a basic principle in real estate. That you should never be the best looking person in the development."
random_text[number++] = "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?"
random_text[number++] = "I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you."
random_text[number++] = "Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. "
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom. Gay friendly."
random_text[number++] = "No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble."
random_text[number++] = "You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?"
random_text[number++] = "I tried hopping Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to"
random_text[number++] = "Ok, see you later, Pan."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, please. I have Country Crock."
random_text[number++] = "Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!"
random_text[number++] = "Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. And he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel."
random_text[number++] = "He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works."
random_text[number++] = "I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick..."
random_text[number++] = "The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion."
random_text[number++] = "Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese."
random_text[number++] = "You can't fire me. I don't work in this van!"
random_text[number++] = "Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"
random_text[number++] = "Me so horny. Me love you long tim."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?"
random_text[number++] = "I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.'"
random_text[number++] = "Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down."
random_text[number++] = "Let's go. The men's room was disgusting."
random_text[number++] = "No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear."
random_text[number++] = "We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time."
random_text[number++] = "'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Who knows how words are formed."
random_text[number++] = "Um... Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi."
random_text[number++] = "You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!"
random_text[number++] = "I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays."
random_text[number++] = "You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence."
random_text[number++] = "And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'"
random_text[number++] = "I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow."
random_text[number++] = "But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... "
random_text[number++] = "Oomp-a-Loomp-a-Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome."
random_text[number++] = "Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doopity-doomp."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed."
random_text[number++] = "One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered."
random_text[number++] = "And when I came to, I had an epiphery."
random_text[number++] = "Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever."
random_text[number++] = "You just twist your hand until something breaks."
random_text[number++] = "Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. We will demonstrate on Pam."
random_text[number++] = "This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. ... So I am instituting prima nocta."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay."
random_text[number++] = "It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys."
random_text[number++] = "It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck."
random_text[number++] = "Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever."
random_text[number++] = "Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies."
random_text[number++] = "SHUT UP ANGELA!"
random_text[number++] = "Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats."
random_text[number++] = "Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings."
random_text[number++] = "Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'"
random_text[number++] = "Michael, Dwight would like your man meat."
random_text[number++] = "You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art."
random_text[number++] = "You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag."
random_text[number++] = "Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?"
random_text[number++] = "I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure."
random_text[number++] = "Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't."
random_text[number++] = "She's prettier than you though."
random_text[number++] = "That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin."
random_text[number++] = "Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "Not that we're all millionaires. ...I'm probably closest."
random_text[number++] = "Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really."
random_text[number++] = "Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!"
random_text[number++] = "No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair."
random_text[number++] = "Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base."
random_text[number++] = "It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five."
random_text[number++] = "Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool."
random_text[number++] = "Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?"
random_text[number++] = "When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too."
random_text[number++] = "Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is."
random_text[number++] = "And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you."
random_text[number++] = "What a pair of Mary's."
random_text[number++] = "Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes."
random_text[number++] = "You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?"
random_text[number++] = "Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time."
random_text[number++] = "Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over."
random_text[number++] = "AM or PM?"
random_text[number++] = "Three hundred and sixty four days, till the next Pretzel Day."
random_text[number++] = "'Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.'"
random_text[number++] = "New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name."
random_text[number++] = "It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes!"
random_text[number++] = "I hooked up with her on February 13th."
random_text[number++] = "Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there."
random_text[number++] = "You mean, like a ham?"
random_text[number++] = "Great Scott!"
random_text[number++] = "Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving."
random_text[number++] = "You're evil, like a hobbit."
random_text[number++] = "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
random_text[number++] = "Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went."
random_text[number++] = "I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October."
random_text[number++] = "In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing."
random_text[number++] = "Do you want us to run aground, woman?!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Let's break up."
random_text[number++] = "Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication."
random_text[number++] = "BFD. Engaged ain't married."
random_text[number++] = "Never, ever, ever give up."
random_text[number++] = "If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?"
random_text[number++] = "Kevin! That's inappropriate."
random_text[number++] = "Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both."
random_text[number++] = "I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis."
random_text[number++] = "Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
random_text[number++] = "Is your password Frodo? Did you just change it to Gollum?"
random_text[number++] = "Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So..."
random_text[number++] = "This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head."
random_text[number++] = "I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? ... I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding."
random_text[number++] = "This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right."
random_text[number++] = "Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers."
random_text[number++] = "You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job!"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword!'"
random_text[number++] = "Please don't throw garbage at me."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, there he is! Secret weapon!"
random_text[number++] = "Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those!"
random_text[number++] = "Same team, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend!"
random_text[number++] = "Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister."
random_text[number++] = "Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right?"
random_text[number++] = "And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer."
random_text[number++] = "It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom."
random_text[number++] = "I don't believe you. Continue."
random_text[number++] = "We've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day."
random_text[number++] = "Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people."
random_text[number++] = "There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays."
random_text[number++] = "Why are you the way that you are?"
random_text[number++] = "Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way."
random_text[number++] = "I hate so much about the things that you choose to be."
random_text[number++] = "Guys, the Afghanistananies."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried."
random_text[number++] = "And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Dinkin' flicka."
random_text[number++] = "You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say."
random_text[number++] = "We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?"
random_text[number++] = "Jan Levinson, I presume?"
random_text[number++] = "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson."
random_text[number++] = "Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. Honestly, I love stealing things."
random_text[number++] = "Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all!"
random_text[number++] = "Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows."
random_text[number++] = "Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. ...Did you believe me?"
random_text[number++] = "One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can."
random_text[number++] = "Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers!"
random_text[number++] = "Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator."
random_text[number++] = "I was just... I'm in love with you."
random_text[number++] = "I just needed you to know. Once."
random_text[number++] = "Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that."
random_text[number++] = "Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am."
random_text[number++] = "And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out."
random_text[number++] = "It's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry."
random_text[number++] = "I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
random_text[number++] = "What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So..."
random_text[number++] = "Because in this office, it is 'till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized."
random_text[number++] = "It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor."
random_text[number++] = "Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist."
random_text[number++] = "Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club."
random_text[number++] = "Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true."
random_text[number++] = "OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?"
random_text[number++] = "I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death."
random_text[number++] = "Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable."
random_text[number++] = "When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
random_text[number++] = "And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'."
random_text[number++] = "Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage."
random_text[number++] = "'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'"
random_text[number++] = "'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'"
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end."
random_text[number++] = "And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?"
random_text[number++] = "It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled."
random_text[number++] = "Yeppers."
random_text[number++] = "And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars."
random_text[number++] = "Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it."
random_text[number++] = "Wikipedia... is the best thing ever."
random_text[number++] = "Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius."
random_text[number++] = "I am declining to speak first."
random_text[number++] = "Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants."
random_text[number++] = "So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery."
random_text[number++] = "Make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes."
random_text[number++] = "For example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way over paid."
random_text[number++] = "So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---"
random_text[number++] = "Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go."
random_text[number++] = "What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor."
random_text[number++] = "Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "Jim--- Roy--- Look out!"
random_text[number++] = "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?"
random_text[number++] = "You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex."
random_text[number++] = "It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial."
random_text[number++] = "It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed."
random_text[number++] = "All right, Levinson. Here's the rub."
random_text[number++] = "But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "So look out Dunder Mifflin'! I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... "
random_text[number++] = "You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono."
random_text[number++] = "It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school."
random_text[number++] = "Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs."
random_text[number++] = "I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't."
random_text[number++] = "I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."
random_text[number++] = "Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour."
random_text[number++] = "Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!"
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?"
random_text[number++] = "No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid."
random_text[number++] = "It has to be official, and it has to be urine."
random_text[number++] = "I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair."
random_text[number++] = "And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay?"
random_text[number++] = "A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens."
random_text[number++] = "My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish."
random_text[number++] = "Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!"
random_text[number++] = "When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help!"
random_text[number++] = "Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it."
random_text[number++] = "Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you!"
random_text[number++] = "I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut."
random_text[number++] = "It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's your favorite song."
random_text[number++] = "You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this."
random_text[number++] = "It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal."
random_text[number++] = "Happy birth moment, Michael."
random_text[number++] = "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair."
random_text[number++] = "I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
random_text[number++] = "No cookie.'"
random_text[number++] = "Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner."
random_text[number++] = "Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry."
random_text[number++] = "Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls."
random_text[number++] = "You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense."
random_text[number++] = "Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day."
random_text[number++] = "I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel."
random_text[number++] = "I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
random_text[number++] = "Why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle."
random_text[number++] = "I'm learning that 'fun' for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me."
random_text[number++] = "That's your name? Mister Poop?"
random_text[number++] = "Are you Mother Goose?"
random_text[number++] = "Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life."
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?"
random_text[number++] = "I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend."
random_text[number++] = "I need a username. And... I have a great one. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at."
random_text[number++] = "Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?"
random_text[number++] = "Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke."
random_text[number++] = "'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...'"
random_text[number++] = "It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'."
random_text[number++] = "Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about."
random_text[number++] = "Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me."
random_text[number++] = "The very best of luck to you, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "I always set it at 69."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married."
random_text[number++] = "Blood alone moves the wheels of history!"
random_text[number++] = "WE ARE WARRIORS!"
random_text[number++] = "I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death."
random_text[number++] = "Man, this must be torture for you."
random_text[number++] = "So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation?"
random_text[number++] = "It's Grrrrrrape! Soda."
random_text[number++] = "Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic, order some 'za. Talk about you know who."
random_text[number++] = "Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings."
random_text[number++] = "Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken."
random_text[number++] = "Including prep time?"
random_text[number++] = "If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too."
random_text[number++] = "You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?"
random_text[number++] = "You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me."
random_text[number++] = "You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all."
random_text[number++] = "So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis."
random_text[number++] = "People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust.'"
random_text[number++] = "An emergency like, you have an ice cream cake, and you're in the sun, and it's melting?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't use it to buy refrigerators, Kevin!"
random_text[number++] = "Drew. I'm Drew now."
random_text[number++] = "I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies."
random_text[number++] = "I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!"
random_text[number++] = "And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!'"
random_text[number++] = "Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life."
random_text[number++] = "This is shenanigans, foolishness, NERF-ball. You live a sweet, little, NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it."
random_text[number++] = "What, NERF isn't cool anymore?"
random_text[number++] = "Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant."
random_text[number++] = "You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science."
random_text[number++] = "Indubitably."
random_text[number++] = "Ta-freakin'-da!"
random_text[number++] = "Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato."
random_text[number++] = "Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes."
random_text[number++] = "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss! Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!"
random_text[number++] = "Un-shun. Never. Re-shun."
random_text[number++] = "The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, you ignorant slut."
random_text[number++] = "Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!"
random_text[number++] = "My head is in such pain! And turmoil!"
random_text[number++] = "If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude."
random_text[number++] = "I Braveheart."
random_text[number++] = "I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes."
random_text[number++] = "You look as beautiful as the Queen of England."
random_text[number++] = "We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
random_text[number++] = "Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought."
random_text[number++] = "There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
random_text[number++] = "I look really good in white."
random_text[number++] = "Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning."
random_text[number++] = "Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia."
random_text[number++] = "Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch."
random_text[number++] = "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia."
random_text[number++] = "How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable."
random_text[number++] = "All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever."
random_text[number++] = "I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?"
random_text[number++] = "Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on."
random_text[number++] = "Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it."
random_text[number++] = "He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.'"
random_text[number++] = "I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness."
random_text[number++] = "Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity."
random_text[number++] = "So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga."
random_text[number++] = "I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all."
random_text[number++] = "Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive."
random_text[number++] = "I don't trust you, Phyllis!"
random_text[number++] = "Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny!"
random_text[number++] = "That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?"
random_text[number++] = "It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man."
random_text[number++] = "I think we broke his brain."
random_text[number++] = "No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?"
random_text[number++] = "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!"
random_text[number++] = "You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon."
random_text[number++] = "He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away."
random_text[number++] = "Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing."
random_text[number++] = "Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?"
random_text[number++] = "How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue."
random_text[number++] = "Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... Packer@DunderMifflin.com... Packaging'@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh."
random_text[number++] = "Boring. Call me if she rolls over."
random_text[number++] = "It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.'"
random_text[number++] = "I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah."
random_text[number++] = "I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that."
random_text[number++] = "Did you try the petting zoo?"
random_text[number++] = "Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat."
random_text[number++] = "So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?"
random_text[number++] = "And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well."
random_text[number++] = "Jan, you... complete... me."
random_text[number++] = "What am I going to do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art."
random_text[number++] = "I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks."
random_text[number++] = "You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive."
random_text[number++] = "If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?"
random_text[number++] = "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
random_text[number++] = "May your hats fly as high as your dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on."
random_text[number++] = "Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made."
random_text[number++] = "Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!"
random_text[number++] = "The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... Oh well."
random_text[number++] = "There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel."
random_text[number++] = "If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania."
random_text[number++] = "Or... a Whatchamacallit. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand. Satisfied?"
random_text[number++] = "The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies."
random_text[number++] = "But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."
random_text[number++] = "You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning."
random_text[number++] = "Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease."
random_text[number++] = "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
random_text[number++] = "It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them."
random_text[number++] = "Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art."
random_text[number++] = "Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
random_text[number++] = "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"
random_text[number++] = "I am upset. Don't I sound upset?"
random_text[number++] = "Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime."
random_text[number++] = "Midnight, Oscar!'"
random_text[number++] = "This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-"
random_text[number++] = "I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing."
random_text[number++] = "I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!"
random_text[number++] = "That's what happened to O.J."
random_text[number++] = "I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man."
random_text[number++] = "I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies."
random_text[number++] = "Beer me!"
random_text[number++] = "I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time."
random_text[number++] = "Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet."
random_text[number++] = "Lord, beer me strength."
random_text[number++] = "Those are the money beets."
random_text[number++] = "Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really."
random_text[number++] = "Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony."
random_text[number++] = "May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling."
random_text[number++] = "Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right."
random_text[number++] = "I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline!"
random_text[number++] = "By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team."
random_text[number++] = "If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me."
random_text[number++] = "If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."
random_text[number++] = "I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?"
random_text[number++] = "MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic..."
random_text[number++] = "And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage."
random_text[number++] = "Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key..."
random_text[number++] = "Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm."
random_text[number++] = "Another worm? Like, are they friends?"
random_text[number++] = "Let me smell. ... Good, not great."
random_text[number++] = "So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy."
random_text[number++] = "Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend."
random_text[number++] = "It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces."
random_text[number++] = "Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star."
random_text[number++] = "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No? Then you are an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management."
random_text[number++] = "I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station."
random_text[number++] = "Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?"
random_text[number++] = "I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party."
random_text[number++] = "I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling."
random_text[number++] = "Don't break up you guys, you're great together."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation."
random_text[number++] = "I think I just got flashed."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I'll call the real police."
random_text[number++] = "The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?"
random_text[number++] = "If that's flashing, then lock me up."
random_text[number++] = "Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul."
random_text[number++] = "Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. ... ... I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."
random_text[number++] = "And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me."
random_text[number++] = "For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. "
random_text[number++] = "Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free."
random_text[number++] = "There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. "
random_text[number++] = "And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take."
random_text[number++] = "Phallus?"
random_text[number++] = "Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things."
random_text[number++] = "Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen."
random_text[number++] = "If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?"
random_text[number++] = "Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women."
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited."
random_text[number++] = "Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny."
random_text[number++] = "No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist."
random_text[number++] = "Michael. When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian."
random_text[number++] = "My car, my rules."
random_text[number++] = "I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it."
random_text[number++] = "Many women are competent drivers."
random_text[number++] = "This is what we know'."
random_text[number++] = "I figured. It's cool. I don't <20> I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway."
random_text[number++] = "What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese."
random_text[number++] = "Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome."
random_text[number++] = "I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls."
random_text[number++] = "Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex."
random_text[number++] = "And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it."
random_text[number++] = "You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan?"
random_text[number++] = "Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested."
random_text[number++] = "She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles."
random_text[number++] = "But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked."
random_text[number++] = "I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly."
random_text[number++] = "You know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear."
random_text[number++] = "Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?"
random_text[number++] = "Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute."
random_text[number++] = "Not it. I don't have eggs."
random_text[number++] = "About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?"
random_text[number++] = "It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes... you just gots to get your freak on."
random_text[number++] = "May God guide you in your quest."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt. Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse."
random_text[number++] = "Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, you can't swim in leather pants. I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally."
random_text[number++] = "I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head."
random_text[number++] = "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
random_text[number++] = "If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I hope there will be management parables."
random_text[number++] = "Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know?"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "No, the blue team."
random_text[number++] = "Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him."
random_text[number++] = "There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon."
random_text[number++] = "I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!"
random_text[number++] = "There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking."
random_text[number++] = "Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily."
random_text[number++] = "The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world."
random_text[number++] = "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!"
random_text[number++] = "Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!"
random_text[number++] = "Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team."
random_text[number++] = "If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day."
random_text[number++] = "I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!"
random_text[number++] = "At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units."
random_text[number++] = "How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital."
random_text[number++] = "Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends."
random_text[number++] = "What's different about you? You look worse."
random_text[number++] = "What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut."
random_text[number++] = "Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless."
random_text[number++] = "Pam is... kind of a bitch."
random_text[number++] = "Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... Moon each other."
random_text[number++] = "Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said."
random_text[number++] = "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out."
random_text[number++] = "I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time."
random_text[number++] = "My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem."
random_text[number++] = "Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time."
random_text[number++] = "I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front."
random_text[number++] = "I am gonna be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never."
random_text[number++] = "No. And the sheets are made of fire."
random_text[number++] = "Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town."
random_text[number++] = "You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!"
random_text[number++] = "Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?"
random_text[number++] = "I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers."
random_text[number++] = "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots."
random_text[number++] = "I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement."
random_text[number++] = "That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent."
random_text[number++] = "Cause I am what I am. ... That's Popeye."
random_text[number++] = "I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?"
random_text[number++] = "I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous."
random_text[number++] = "Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger."
random_text[number++] = "That is Beardy."
random_text[number++] = "Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means."
random_text[number++] = "I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'"
random_text[number++] = "So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?"
random_text[number++] = "There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.'"
random_text[number++] = "In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again."
random_text[number++] = "What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?"
random_text[number++] = "The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns."
random_text[number++] = "Is it because of these?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey! You're<i/> unstable!"
random_text[number++] = "David, I did not tell her."
random_text[number++] = "I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. It could work. This could work, really!"
random_text[number++] = "Why is my office black?"
random_text[number++] = "So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere."
random_text[number++] = "This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones."
random_text[number++] = "But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay."
random_text[number++] = "Pam. Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?"
random_text[number++] = "All right. Then... it's a date."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry, what was the question?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage."
random_text[number++] = "No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then?"
random_text[number++] = "We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat."
random_text[number++] = "We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end."
random_text[number++] = "I stole it!"
random_text[number++] = "If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor."
random_text[number++] = "If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!"
random_text[number++] = "Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid."
random_text[number++] = "Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela."
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<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
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<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
</div>
</aside>
</div>
<main id="main" class="col-md-6 site-main" role="main">
<article id="post-130" class="post-130 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-uncategorized">
<header class="entry-header">
<h1 class="entry-title">Season 5 &#8211; Episode 13 &#8220;Stress Relief&#8221;</h1>
<div class="entry-meta">
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</header><!-- .entry-header -->
<div class="entry-content">
<p> Written by Paul Lieberstein<br /> Directed by Jeffrey Blitz<br /> Original Air Date: February 1st, 2008 </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Last week I gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] And nobody paid any attention. It&#8217;s my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [lights a cigarette] Today, smoking is gonna save lives. [throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke] Does anyone smell anything smoky? <br /> <b>Angela:</b> Did you bring your jerky in again?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [clears throat]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God! <br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> What&#8211;<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Whoa, fire!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What&#8217;s the procedure? What do we do, people?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> The phones are dead.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh, how did that happen?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> It&#8217;s out in the hall.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No, we don&#8217;t know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> What&#8217;s the procedure, everyone? What&#8217;s the procedure?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Stay [bleep] calm!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Wait, wait, wait.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it&#8217;s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What does warm mean?<br /> <b>Everyone:</b> [groaning] Oh my God.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Not a viable option.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Try a different door.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay, what&#8217;s next?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Don&#8217;t run.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh! Here&#8217;s a door. Check that one out. How&#8217;s the handle?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> It&#8211; it&#8217;s warm.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once] <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Back door.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Oh! I forgot my purse.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Leave it woman!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Get out of the way! Go, go, go!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can&#8230; <br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Ah! My hand! That&#8217;s hot!<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Aah! This ones hot too!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, we&#8217;re trapped. Everyone for himself.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay, let&#8217;s go. <br /> <b>Everyone:</b> [shouting] Out of my way! Let&#8217;s go. Get out of my way!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Calm, please<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Get out of the way!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Have you ever seen a burn victim?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Move it!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha&#8211; Use a what to cover the mouth? <br /> <b>Angela:</b> [pulling cat out of filing drawer] It&#8217;s okay. Shh shhh.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let&#8217;s remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that&#8217;s the wrong way. We&#8217;ve already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Oscar.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> What&#8217;s next? <br /> <b>Angela:</b> Oscar!<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Stay alive! I&#8217;m getting help!<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Pull me up!<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> You&#8217;re too heavy!<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh&#8211; save Bandit! [throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> How about 911? Anyone? 911. [Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> What do we do? <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. [everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping]<br /> <b>Angela:</b> What is that? What is that?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> The fire&#8217;s shooting at us!<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> What in the name of God is going on?!<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Yes! [Dwight pulls fire alarm] Yes, ba&#8211; Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!<br /> <b>Phyllis and Creed:</b> Ahhhh!!! [Oscar&#8217;s leg crashes through the ceiling]<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Go, go, go, go, go!! [Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!!<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> I&#8217;m about to die!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What?!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Oscar drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Stanley falls to the floor] Oh come on. It&#8217;s not real Stanley. Don&#8217;t have a heart attack.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I&#8217;m gonna give him mouth to mouth.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No, no, no! Don&#8217;t give him mouth to mouth for this! <br /> <b>Michael:</b> He&#8217;s going to swallow is tongue. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> No. Michael. Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Open your mouth. Come on. Don&#8217;t swallow it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Leave me al&#8211;<br /> <b>Andy:</b> You&#8217;re choking him! <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Saving him! </div>
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<div class="quote"> <b>David Wallace:</b> How could you possibly think this is a good idea?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Electricity.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Shampoo.<br /> <b>David Wallace:</b> You could have burned down the whole building.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days. <br /> <b>Lawyer:</b> Did you shout, &#8220;Fire!&#8221;, causing a panic?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Yes I shouted &#8220;fire!&#8221;. I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what&#8211; heeded&#8211;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hed. Hedded<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> When no one hedded&#8211; <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Take hedded of.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> N-no one would take hedded of my instructions.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Heed. Heed.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> So, you&#8211;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Take heed of. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> And, well, I don&#8217;t see my co-workers&#8211;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Take heed of.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Hee-heeding this right now.<br /> <b>Lawyer:</b> Wh&#8211;what?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. [walks to the window, sighs] This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed. <br /> <b>David Wallace:</b> No, we are mad. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.<br /> <b>David Wallace:</b> No, we&#8217;re not. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> I am not a mind reader, David. <br /> <b>David:</b> Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you.<br /> <b>Michel:</b> Can you shove down? Instead&#8230; shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn&#8217;t like. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> PETA.<br /> <b>David Wallace:</b> Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Do you?<br /> <b>David Wallace:</b> Michael?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You talking to me?<br /> <b>David Wallace:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Well&#8230; I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. [chuckles] It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What&#8217;s the matter? You hungry?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [sighs] No, Dwight. I am worried. A man&#8217;s life is in my hands.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Don&#8217;t you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s not gonna happen. I&#8217;m taking over as safety man.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> What? You?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Come on.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m a smart guy. I&#8217;ll figure it out.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> That&#8217;s preposterous.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, I will. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Nobody should have to go to work thinking, &#8220;Oh, this is the place that I might die today.&#8221; That&#8217;s what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to&#8230; An office is a place where dreams come true. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Shhh! Don&#8217;t excite him. Don&#8217;t make him excitable. [whispering] Welcome back, Stanley. <br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Thank you, Michael. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> It&#8217;s true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> [flashback] Not maybe. Yes or no. <br /> <b>Stanley:</b> [flashback] No way. Uh-uh. <br /> <b>Stanley:</b> [flashback] Are you from another planet?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> [flashback] Boy, have you lost your mind? &#8216;Cause I&#8217;ll help you find it.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> [flashback] Did I stutter?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> [flashback] I&#8217;m done. Goodbye. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> But the doctor said if I can&#8217;t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I&#8217;m going to die. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Andy.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> [in a British accent] A throne for your highness. <br /> <b>Stanley:</b> I&#8217;m not sitting in a wheelchair. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> I&#8217;m going to die. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>CPR trainer:</b> A-B-C. Okay? And hat stands for&#8230; airway, breathing and circulation. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means &#8220;always be closing.&#8221;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> This is a farce. I should be teaching this course.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Shut it. Shut it. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his&#8230; when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can&#8217;t get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> [giving chest compressions to the practice dummy] I can&#8217;t keep doing this forever.<br /> <b>CPR Trainer:</b> It&#8217;s been 20 seconds.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Call it. <br /> <b>CPR Trainer:</b> Would you like to try next?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Absolutely I would not.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know who I really think should go? Stanley.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Oh, I don&#8217;t know.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> That&#8217;s not a good idea, Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Come on.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> He needs to rest.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you&#8217;re by yourself and your heart stops?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> I would die.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> And you&#8217;re okay with that?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> I&#8217;m okay with the logic of it.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let&#8217;s do this. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I&#8217;m too old to find another job and I don&#8217;t have enough saved to retire. I feel like I&#8217;m working in my own casket. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Come on Stanley. You&#8217;re losing you. You&#8217;re losing you. Do it!<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Michael!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> This is you we&#8217;re talking about.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, okay. I&#8217;ll show them. Here we go. [whispers] Stanley. All right. <br /> <b>CPR Trainer:</b> So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs. <br /> <b>Rose:</b> No, that&#8217;s not part of it.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I would want to live with no legs. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don&#8217;t do anything.<br /> <b>Rose:</b> All right, well, lets get back to it. &#8216;Cause you&#8217;re losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute . <br /> <b>Michael:</b> okay, that&#8217;s uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> How&#8217;s that gonna help you?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I will divide and then count to it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Right.<br /> <b>Rose:</b> Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of &#8216;Staying Alive&#8217; by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, yes I do. I love that song. [clears throat, begins to sing] First I was afraid, I was petrified.<br /> <b>Rose:</b> No, it&#8217;s&#8211;Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin&#8217; alive, stayin&#8217; alive.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, I got it.<br /> <b>Creed:</b> [to Rose] You were in the parking lot earlier. That&#8217;s how I know you. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin&#8217; alive, stayin&#8217; alive [Andy joins in] Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin&#8217; alive, stayin&#8217; alive.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah&#8230; <br /> <b>Andy:</b> Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I&#8217;m a woman&#8217;s man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it&#8217;s alright, it&#8217;s okay, [Michael and Kelly join in] you can look the other way. Loo do do! <br /> <b>Rose:</b> Okay! <br /> <b>Andy:</b> Da, da, da, da, da, da, da<br /> <b>Rose:</b> Okay! <br /> <b>Everyone:</b> [muttering] Stayin&#8217; alive, stayin&#8217; alive.<br /> <b>Rose:</b> Yeah, okay. You didn&#8217;t maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn&#8217;t arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay, he&#8217;s dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose? <br /> <b>Rose:</b> I have no idea.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Anyone else?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> We bury him?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest. <br /> <b>Creed:</b> He has no wallet, I checked. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> He is an organ donor.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> He is.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg] Here we go.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Oh my God! Dwight!<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Dwight!<br /> <b>Angela:</b> What are you&#8211; [people are yelling] What are you doing?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> We search for the organs. Where&#8217;s the heart? The precious heart.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> I&#8217;m not feeling well. I need to sit down. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey, Stanley. <br /> <b>Andy:</b> Stanley. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Are you okay?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Oh my God! [Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own]<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Oh my God!<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Dwight!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Clarice?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Oh my God! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>David Wallace:</b> Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I didn&#8217;t think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it&#8217;s pretty realistic.<br /> <b>David Wallace:</b> We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Wow.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. [dumps popcorn in bowl, it&#8217;s almost all seeds] Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> We don&#8217;t normally download films illegally. Because we&#8217;re honest, hardworking people. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> And we don&#8217;t know how.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Punishment fits the crime. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jessica Alba:</b> [movie] I want you to meet my nana. Nana&#8230; <br /> <b>Lily:</b> Mmmhmm&#8230; <br /> <b>Jessica Alba:</b> This is Sam. <br /> <b>Sam:</b> Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday.<br /> <b>Lily:</b> Please&#8211; Call me Lily. [light chuckle] Let&#8217;s play Bridge. You can be my partner.<br /> <b>Sam:</b> Alright&#8230; Lily. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [after Pam checks her cell phone] What&#8217;s going on? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Uh, no one really knows, but Pam&#8217;s parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and&#8230; it kinda sucks. Jim&#8217;s been great. But I&#8217;m gonna need to buy my dad a robe. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> He&#8217;s not saying what he needs to say. <br /> <b>Andy:</b> Hmm? Who? Sam?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they&#8217;re saying to everyone else, then&#8211;<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Hmm. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They&#8217;re catching things that are totally going over my head. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret? <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I have.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Let&#8217;s hear it.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [clears throat] &#8220;I state my regret.&#8221;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You couldn&#8217;t of memorized that?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It&#8217;s not a big deal.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Lily:</b> [movie] I&#8217;m in here.<br /> <b>Sam:</b> I uh, I&#8217;m sorry I didn&#8217;t uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go?<br /> <b>Lily:</b> I want you to stay. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Gimme a break.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie&#8217;s mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Sam:</b> [movie] Get that in there. Oh yeah.<br /> <b>Lily:</b> Get that done already.<br /> <b>Sam:</b> I know but if I get it in deeper&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [to Pam] Can you believe this? [pause] He was pretty talkative at breakfast.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Yeah&#8230; but&#8230; eh&#8230; breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don&#8217;t think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> So he doesn&#8217;t share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter&#8217;s fiance?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> You guys, they&#8217;re making out. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Um, did my dad say anything about my mom?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Mmm&#8230; nope, we mostly just talked about cereal.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [sighs]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I dunno. I mean, maybe he&#8217;ll talk to you about some of this stuff &#8217;cause he can&#8217;t really talk to me about it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Mmm&#8230; <br /> <b>Pam:</b> You&#8217;re good to talk to.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [laughs] I&#8217;m ok, I&#8217;m not, great, and um&#8230; [nods] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [in a monk-impression tone] Ohmmm&#8230; Ohmmm&#8230; Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. [Meredtih sits Indian style in a dress exposing herself right in front of Michael] Ohmmm my God if you&#8217;re wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm&#8230; ohmmm&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think&#8230; of death. It&#8217;s kinda nice&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand] It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Don&#8217;t open your eyes.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> What? [opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her] Oh&#8230; <br /> <b>Michael:</b> And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Chunky monkey.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Too expensive.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Chocolate.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? [beeping starts] What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> It&#8217;s my bio-feedback machine..<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You have stress?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Yes&#8230; <br /> <b>Michael:</b> During our relaxation exercise?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Let me get you some water.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No no, I&#8217;ll help you. I&#8217;ll help you up. Here we go.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> No, Michael, No. [beeping speeds up]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Let me getcha.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Would ya, would ya step back please<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok, alright.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Please. A little further.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok. [beeping slows down]<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> That&#8217;s better. [Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok&#8230; I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh&#8230; Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That&#8217;s what HE said! Right guys, &#8217;cause of gay? [Oscar has Stanley&#8217;s monitor now] Let&#8217;s give this a shot.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hellloo&#8230; [beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer]<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Michael, I think you&#8217;re what&#8217;s stressing everybody out. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> So&#8230; it wasn&#8217;t Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you&#8217;re the killer&#8230; it&#8217;s uh&#8230; great twist. Great twist. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> What did you say to my dad?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh my God. Pam, I don&#8217;t know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I&#8217;m so sorry, I don&#8217;t know. I&#8217;ll call him again. [Pam rolls her eyes and walks away] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so&#8230; it was her parents or my parents&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> I don&#8217;t get it. Do I stress you out?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh&#8230; <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Speaking of which&#8230; [hands Michael the paper to sign for Dwight&#8217;s formal apology]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man&#8230; Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It&#8217;s what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Ok everybody, I&#8217;ve figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. [Jim shakes his head at the camera] You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what&#8217;s causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short&#8230; <br /> <b>Kelly:</b> A vacation.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c&#8217;mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You&#8217;ve seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody&#8217;s laughing, and everybody&#8217;s hugging each other&#8230; <br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Si senor.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> That&#8217;s offensive.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It&#8217;s not! It&#8217;s not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don&#8217;t hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I&#8217;m so fit, or I&#8217;m a womanizer&#8230; fair game. Whatever. I don&#8217;t want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> [giggling] Oh my GOD&#8230; Oh man&#8230; Ohhhhh my God&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> I consider myself a good person. But I&#8217;m gonna try to make him cry. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> I can already feel people&#8217;s stress starting to melt. I think they&#8217;re very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Hey, this is your apology letter.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> That was the last signature I needed.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you&#8217;re here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. [Creed looks around] So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and&#8230; ah&#8230; whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. [Angela jumps up] Ok&#8230; lower the mic for the midget.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here&#8217;s a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. [laughter] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> I normally don&#8217;t enjoy making people laugh. [grin] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> If you ever called the fire department &#8217;cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be&#8230;<br /> <b>Group:</b> Michael Scott! [laughter]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey Hey, I don&#8217;t go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kelly:</b> I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You&#8217;re so lucky! Good one&#8230; [clapping] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Meredith:</b> Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said &#8220;Gross&#8221;&#8230; <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well&#8230; <br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pow pow pow&#8230; [hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> [yelling at Michael in Spanish] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [Toby tries to come on stage] NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY. [Toby shrugs and sits back down] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I know where this is goin&#8217;.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Do ya? <br /> <b>Michael:</b> No&#8230; <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ok. Remember Spider face?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> OK. &#8216;Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Spite her &#8211; ok [laughter] <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah&#8230; yep. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> How dare you all attack him like this. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, stop it Dwight.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Michael is your superior.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No no no no no no!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Dwight your&#8217;e supposed to do it this way.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Ok, no, they don&#8217;t understand who they have&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That is the way you&#8217;re supposed to do it, idiot.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You&#8217;re interrupting me. I&#8217;m trying to get your back.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Are you calling me an idiot?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Idiot. <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Don&#8217;t you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don&#8217;t have any friends, or any family, or any land. [clapping and whooing] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He&#8217;s supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! [clapping, laughter]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they&#8217;re done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Darryl:</b> Mike claims, we&#8217;re all a family isn&#8217;t that right?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> We are, we are a family. <br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Ok, so um, what&#8217;s his name? All the way in the back there.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh very funny.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> What&#8217;s his name?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Uhh&#8230; hehe hah! I&#8217;m thinking Roy?<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Roy left years ago. What&#8217;s his name?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I don&#8217;t believe I have had the pleasure.<br /> <b>Warehouse Michael:</b> Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic&#8230; <br /> <b>Darryl:</b> What&#8217;s <i>his</i> name?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Jefferson.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Nope. His name is Michael. [Michael makes the da dum ksch on the drumset again] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> [singing and playing the guitar] What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you&#8217;re the laziest, jerkiest and you&#8217;re dumber than applesauce. We&#8217;re stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it&#8217;s true. That&#8217;s what I hate about you. That&#8217;s what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. [clears throat] Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn&#8217;t tiny, its average, so&#8230; get your facts straight. [clears throat again] So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought [choking up, clears throat again] sorry. [laughs nervously] I think I have a frog in my throat. Um&#8230; [sigh] I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um&#8230; [Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I&#8217;m sorry, Michael&#8217;s not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> It&#8217;s very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He&#8217;s either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he&#8217;s like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> [in the lunch room, with a sock puppet] He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&#038;Ms in alphabetical order. [giggles]<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I&#8217;m almost done.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> That reeks, and I&#8217;m trying to eat.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yep. You&#8217;re being replaced.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I think he meant personal day.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh, that&#8217;s quite a leap Pam.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> I hope he&#8217;s ok, I feel bad.<br /> <b>Creed:</b> Give it up, he&#8217;s dead.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> He just sent a text&#8230; <br /> <b>Creed:</b> What&#8217;s a text? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [at a park throwing whole pieces of bread] Caw&#8230; caw&#8230; caw caw&#8230; caw&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don&#8217;t matter to him, because we&#8217;re just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looks towards the sky] I&#8217;m okay. No, I&#8217;m not. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Phyllis there&#8217;s a package for you.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Oh, ok. [Phyllis signs for the package, opens an empty box]<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [after snatching the clipboard with her signature] Got it. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Lily:</b> [movie] Sam, Sam Sam. It&#8217;s not that you dumped my granddaughter, and its not that you want children. It, it&#8217;s that you lied to me. Can&#8217;t you see that? Can&#8217;t you see? Oh, I can never trust you. [Andy looks like he&#8217;s going to cry]<br /> <b>Sam:</b> Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don&#8217;t care how much time we have left. I don&#8217;t care what my friends say! And I don&#8217;t care what your mom thinks! Frankly I&#8217;m pretty sure she&#8217;s not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. [Andy&#8217;s crying, &#8220;I&#8217;m All Out of Love&#8221; starts playing] Lilly. I&#8217;m not giving up. I&#8217;m not giving up. Lilly&#8230; Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button!<br /> <b>Andy:</b> [through tears] Sam! Sam! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hey Dad. No I know, Mom told me. Ok. Yeah I&#8217;ll see ya then. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> So what did he say? Was it my fault?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you&#8217;ve never doubted for a second that I&#8217;m the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he&#8217;s never felt that with my mom, even at their best.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You ok?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah. [they hug] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> When you&#8217;re a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. [Andy is in the background, looks incredulous] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm&#8230; maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Michael! It&#8217;s really good to see you.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Are you alright?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. [murmurs of agreement]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> What?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well I wrote them down so I wouldn&#8217;t forget. Jim, you&#8217;re 6&#8217;11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you&#8217;re a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you&#8217;ve slept with so many guys you&#8217;re starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can&#8217;t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you&#8217;re teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where&#8217;s Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa there you are, I didn&#8217;t see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are&#8230; [Stanley is laughing] Oscar, you&#8217;re gay.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Wow.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you&#8217;re gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. [Stanley is still laughing] Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. [clapping and murmurs of appreciation] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should&#8230; better hold onto them pills, just in case. </div>
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<aside id="text-7" class="widget widget_text"> <div class="textwidget"><p><u><b>Main</b></u></p>
<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
<a href="/specialThanks.php">Special Thanks</a><br />
<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<div>
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</div>
<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
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