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var random_text = new random_text();
// Set the number of text strings to zero to start
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// Incremental list of all possible Text
random_text[number++] = "I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair."
random_text[number++] = "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!"
random_text[number++] = "Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you. "
random_text[number++] = "I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager. "
random_text[number++] = "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."
random_text[number++] = "Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! FALSE. I do not miss him."
random_text[number++] = "No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded."
random_text[number++] = "Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude."
random_text[number++] = "I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman."
random_text[number++] = "That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you."
random_text[number++] = "I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?"
random_text[number++] = "The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays."
random_text[number++] = "That's what she said. Or he said."
random_text[number++] = "I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?"
random_text[number++] = "No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer."
random_text[number++] = "Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ."
random_text[number++] = "You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin."
random_text[number++] = "I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third."
random_text[number++] = "They always want credit for something they supposed to do! What you want a cookie?"
random_text[number++] = "'...in this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck. He's going to lose it when he reads that."
random_text[number++] = "This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here."
random_text[number++] = "Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "Come on, Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on."
random_text[number++] = "You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended."
random_text[number++] = "That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive."
random_text[number++] = "Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."
random_text[number++] = "Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
random_text[number++] = "He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom."
random_text[number++] = "I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion."
random_text[number++] = "Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
random_text[number++] = "It's an epidemic."
random_text[number++] = "Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, hey, everybody. Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh!"
random_text[number++] = "OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?"
random_text[number++] = "See I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?"
random_text[number++] = "I think green is kind of whoreish."
random_text[number++] = "Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so..."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath."
random_text[number++] = "One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision."
random_text[number++] = "He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself."
random_text[number++] = "I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box."
random_text[number++] = "And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt."
random_text[number++] = "Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine."
random_text[number++] = "Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0."
random_text[number++] = "Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike."
random_text[number++] = "Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?"
random_text[number++] = "Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? "
random_text[number++] = "I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?"
random_text[number++] = "Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great."
random_text[number++] = "Who? Dave Barry?"
random_text[number++] = "It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk."
random_text[number++] = "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it."
random_text[number++] = "And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!"
random_text[number++] = "This says 'Bushiest Beaver.'"
random_text[number++] = "No, no. Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink!"
random_text[number++] = "And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WOOOOOOOO!"
random_text[number++] = "I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms."
random_text[number++] = "Every so often, Jim dies of boredom."
random_text[number++] = "You see Dwight's coffee mug? Sometimes when he's not here I try to throw things in it."
random_text[number++] = "You try and hurt Mozart, you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. "
random_text[number++] = "Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?'"
random_text[number++] = "We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I got a game. It's called work hard so my kids can go to college."
random_text[number++] = "I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants."
random_text[number++] = "If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton."
random_text[number++] = "There's a basic principle in real estate. That you should never be the best looking person in the development."
random_text[number++] = "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?"
random_text[number++] = "I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you."
random_text[number++] = "Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. "
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom. Gay friendly."
random_text[number++] = "No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble."
random_text[number++] = "You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?"
random_text[number++] = "I tried hopping Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to"
random_text[number++] = "Ok, see you later, Pan."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, please. I have Country Crock."
random_text[number++] = "Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!"
random_text[number++] = "Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. And he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel."
random_text[number++] = "He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works."
random_text[number++] = "I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick..."
random_text[number++] = "The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion."
random_text[number++] = "Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese."
random_text[number++] = "You can't fire me. I don't work in this van!"
random_text[number++] = "Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"
random_text[number++] = "Me so horny. Me love you long tim."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?"
random_text[number++] = "I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.'"
random_text[number++] = "Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down."
random_text[number++] = "Let's go. The men's room was disgusting."
random_text[number++] = "No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear."
random_text[number++] = "We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time."
random_text[number++] = "'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Who knows how words are formed."
random_text[number++] = "Um... Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi."
random_text[number++] = "You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!"
random_text[number++] = "I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays."
random_text[number++] = "You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence."
random_text[number++] = "And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'"
random_text[number++] = "I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow."
random_text[number++] = "But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... "
random_text[number++] = "Oomp-a-Loomp-a-Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome."
random_text[number++] = "Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doopity-doomp."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed."
random_text[number++] = "One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered."
random_text[number++] = "And when I came to, I had an epiphery."
random_text[number++] = "Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever."
random_text[number++] = "You just twist your hand until something breaks."
random_text[number++] = "Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. We will demonstrate on Pam."
random_text[number++] = "This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. ... So I am instituting prima nocta."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay."
random_text[number++] = "It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys."
random_text[number++] = "It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck."
random_text[number++] = "Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever."
random_text[number++] = "Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies."
random_text[number++] = "SHUT UP ANGELA!"
random_text[number++] = "Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats."
random_text[number++] = "Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings."
random_text[number++] = "Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'"
random_text[number++] = "Michael, Dwight would like your man meat."
random_text[number++] = "You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art."
random_text[number++] = "You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag."
random_text[number++] = "Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?"
random_text[number++] = "I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure."
random_text[number++] = "Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't."
random_text[number++] = "She's prettier than you though."
random_text[number++] = "That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin."
random_text[number++] = "Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "Not that we're all millionaires. ...I'm probably closest."
random_text[number++] = "Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really."
random_text[number++] = "Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!"
random_text[number++] = "No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair."
random_text[number++] = "Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base."
random_text[number++] = "It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five."
random_text[number++] = "Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool."
random_text[number++] = "Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?"
random_text[number++] = "When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too."
random_text[number++] = "Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is."
random_text[number++] = "And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you."
random_text[number++] = "What a pair of Mary's."
random_text[number++] = "Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes."
random_text[number++] = "You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?"
random_text[number++] = "Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time."
random_text[number++] = "Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over."
random_text[number++] = "AM or PM?"
random_text[number++] = "Three hundred and sixty four days, till the next Pretzel Day."
random_text[number++] = "'Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.'"
random_text[number++] = "New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name."
random_text[number++] = "It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes!"
random_text[number++] = "I hooked up with her on February 13th."
random_text[number++] = "Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there."
random_text[number++] = "You mean, like a ham?"
random_text[number++] = "Great Scott!"
random_text[number++] = "Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving."
random_text[number++] = "You're evil, like a hobbit."
random_text[number++] = "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
random_text[number++] = "Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went."
random_text[number++] = "I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October."
random_text[number++] = "In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing."
random_text[number++] = "Do you want us to run aground, woman?!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Let's break up."
random_text[number++] = "Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication."
random_text[number++] = "BFD. Engaged ain't married."
random_text[number++] = "Never, ever, ever give up."
random_text[number++] = "If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?"
random_text[number++] = "Kevin! That's inappropriate."
random_text[number++] = "Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both."
random_text[number++] = "I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis."
random_text[number++] = "Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
random_text[number++] = "Is your password Frodo? Did you just change it to Gollum?"
random_text[number++] = "Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So..."
random_text[number++] = "This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head."
random_text[number++] = "I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? ... I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding."
random_text[number++] = "This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right."
random_text[number++] = "Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers."
random_text[number++] = "You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job!"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword!'"
random_text[number++] = "Please don't throw garbage at me."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, there he is! Secret weapon!"
random_text[number++] = "Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those!"
random_text[number++] = "Same team, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend!"
random_text[number++] = "Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister."
random_text[number++] = "Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right?"
random_text[number++] = "And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer."
random_text[number++] = "It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom."
random_text[number++] = "I don't believe you. Continue."
random_text[number++] = "We've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day."
random_text[number++] = "Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people."
random_text[number++] = "There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays."
random_text[number++] = "Why are you the way that you are?"
random_text[number++] = "Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way."
random_text[number++] = "I hate so much about the things that you choose to be."
random_text[number++] = "Guys, the Afghanistananies."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried."
random_text[number++] = "And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Dinkin' flicka."
random_text[number++] = "You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say."
random_text[number++] = "We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?"
random_text[number++] = "Jan Levinson, I presume?"
random_text[number++] = "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson."
random_text[number++] = "Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. Honestly, I love stealing things."
random_text[number++] = "Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all!"
random_text[number++] = "Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows."
random_text[number++] = "Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. ...Did you believe me?"
random_text[number++] = "One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can."
random_text[number++] = "Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers!"
random_text[number++] = "Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator."
random_text[number++] = "I was just... I'm in love with you."
random_text[number++] = "I just needed you to know. Once."
random_text[number++] = "Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that."
random_text[number++] = "Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am."
random_text[number++] = "And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out."
random_text[number++] = "It's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry."
random_text[number++] = "I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
random_text[number++] = "What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So..."
random_text[number++] = "Because in this office, it is 'till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized."
random_text[number++] = "It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor."
random_text[number++] = "Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist."
random_text[number++] = "Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club."
random_text[number++] = "Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true."
random_text[number++] = "OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?"
random_text[number++] = "I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death."
random_text[number++] = "Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable."
random_text[number++] = "When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
random_text[number++] = "And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'."
random_text[number++] = "Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage."
random_text[number++] = "'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'"
random_text[number++] = "'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'"
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end."
random_text[number++] = "And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?"
random_text[number++] = "It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled."
random_text[number++] = "Yeppers."
random_text[number++] = "And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars."
random_text[number++] = "Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it."
random_text[number++] = "Wikipedia... is the best thing ever."
random_text[number++] = "Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius."
random_text[number++] = "I am declining to speak first."
random_text[number++] = "Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants."
random_text[number++] = "So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery."
random_text[number++] = "Make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes."
random_text[number++] = "For example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way over paid."
random_text[number++] = "So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---"
random_text[number++] = "Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go."
random_text[number++] = "What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor."
random_text[number++] = "Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "Jim--- Roy--- Look out!"
random_text[number++] = "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?"
random_text[number++] = "You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex."
random_text[number++] = "It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial."
random_text[number++] = "It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed."
random_text[number++] = "All right, Levinson. Here's the rub."
random_text[number++] = "But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "So look out Dunder Mifflin'! I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... "
random_text[number++] = "You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono."
random_text[number++] = "It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school."
random_text[number++] = "Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs."
random_text[number++] = "I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't."
random_text[number++] = "I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."
random_text[number++] = "Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour."
random_text[number++] = "Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!"
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?"
random_text[number++] = "No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid."
random_text[number++] = "It has to be official, and it has to be urine."
random_text[number++] = "I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair."
random_text[number++] = "And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay?"
random_text[number++] = "A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens."
random_text[number++] = "My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish."
random_text[number++] = "Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!"
random_text[number++] = "When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help!"
random_text[number++] = "Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it."
random_text[number++] = "Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you!"
random_text[number++] = "I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut."
random_text[number++] = "It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's your favorite song."
random_text[number++] = "You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this."
random_text[number++] = "It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal."
random_text[number++] = "Happy birth moment, Michael."
random_text[number++] = "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair."
random_text[number++] = "I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
random_text[number++] = "No cookie.'"
random_text[number++] = "Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner."
random_text[number++] = "Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry."
random_text[number++] = "Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls."
random_text[number++] = "You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense."
random_text[number++] = "Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day."
random_text[number++] = "I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel."
random_text[number++] = "I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
random_text[number++] = "Why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle."
random_text[number++] = "I'm learning that 'fun' for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me."
random_text[number++] = "That's your name? Mister Poop?"
random_text[number++] = "Are you Mother Goose?"
random_text[number++] = "Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life."
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?"
random_text[number++] = "I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend."
random_text[number++] = "I need a username. And... I have a great one. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at."
random_text[number++] = "Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?"
random_text[number++] = "Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke."
random_text[number++] = "'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...'"
random_text[number++] = "It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'."
random_text[number++] = "Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about."
random_text[number++] = "Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me."
random_text[number++] = "The very best of luck to you, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "I always set it at 69."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married."
random_text[number++] = "Blood alone moves the wheels of history!"
random_text[number++] = "WE ARE WARRIORS!"
random_text[number++] = "I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death."
random_text[number++] = "Man, this must be torture for you."
random_text[number++] = "So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation?"
random_text[number++] = "It's Grrrrrrape! Soda."
random_text[number++] = "Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic, order some 'za. Talk about you know who."
random_text[number++] = "Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings."
random_text[number++] = "Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken."
random_text[number++] = "Including prep time?"
random_text[number++] = "If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too."
random_text[number++] = "You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?"
random_text[number++] = "You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me."
random_text[number++] = "You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all."
random_text[number++] = "So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis."
random_text[number++] = "People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust.'"
random_text[number++] = "An emergency like, you have an ice cream cake, and you're in the sun, and it's melting?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't use it to buy refrigerators, Kevin!"
random_text[number++] = "Drew. I'm Drew now."
random_text[number++] = "I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies."
random_text[number++] = "I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!"
random_text[number++] = "And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!'"
random_text[number++] = "Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life."
random_text[number++] = "This is shenanigans, foolishness, NERF-ball. You live a sweet, little, NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it."
random_text[number++] = "What, NERF isn't cool anymore?"
random_text[number++] = "Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant."
random_text[number++] = "You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science."
random_text[number++] = "Indubitably."
random_text[number++] = "Ta-freakin'-da!"
random_text[number++] = "Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato."
random_text[number++] = "Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes."
random_text[number++] = "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss! Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!"
random_text[number++] = "Un-shun. Never. Re-shun."
random_text[number++] = "The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, you ignorant slut."
random_text[number++] = "Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!"
random_text[number++] = "My head is in such pain! And turmoil!"
random_text[number++] = "If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude."
random_text[number++] = "I Braveheart."
random_text[number++] = "I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes."
random_text[number++] = "You look as beautiful as the Queen of England."
random_text[number++] = "We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
random_text[number++] = "Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought."
random_text[number++] = "There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
random_text[number++] = "I look really good in white."
random_text[number++] = "Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning."
random_text[number++] = "Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia."
random_text[number++] = "Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch."
random_text[number++] = "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia."
random_text[number++] = "How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable."
random_text[number++] = "All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever."
random_text[number++] = "I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?"
random_text[number++] = "Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on."
random_text[number++] = "Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it."
random_text[number++] = "He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.'"
random_text[number++] = "I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness."
random_text[number++] = "Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity."
random_text[number++] = "So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga."
random_text[number++] = "I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all."
random_text[number++] = "Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive."
random_text[number++] = "I don't trust you, Phyllis!"
random_text[number++] = "Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny!"
random_text[number++] = "That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?"
random_text[number++] = "It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man."
random_text[number++] = "I think we broke his brain."
random_text[number++] = "No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?"
random_text[number++] = "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!"
random_text[number++] = "You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon."
random_text[number++] = "He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away."
random_text[number++] = "Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing."
random_text[number++] = "Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?"
random_text[number++] = "How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue."
random_text[number++] = "Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... Packer@DunderMifflin.com... Packaging'@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh."
random_text[number++] = "Boring. Call me if she rolls over."
random_text[number++] = "It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.'"
random_text[number++] = "I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah."
random_text[number++] = "I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that."
random_text[number++] = "Did you try the petting zoo?"
random_text[number++] = "Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat."
random_text[number++] = "So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?"
random_text[number++] = "And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well."
random_text[number++] = "Jan, you... complete... me."
random_text[number++] = "What am I going to do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art."
random_text[number++] = "I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks."
random_text[number++] = "You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive."
random_text[number++] = "If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?"
random_text[number++] = "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
random_text[number++] = "May your hats fly as high as your dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on."
random_text[number++] = "Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made."
random_text[number++] = "Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!"
random_text[number++] = "The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... Oh well."
random_text[number++] = "There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel."
random_text[number++] = "If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania."
random_text[number++] = "Or... a Whatchamacallit. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand. Satisfied?"
random_text[number++] = "The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies."
random_text[number++] = "But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."
random_text[number++] = "You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning."
random_text[number++] = "Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease."
random_text[number++] = "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
random_text[number++] = "It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them."
random_text[number++] = "Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art."
random_text[number++] = "Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
random_text[number++] = "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"
random_text[number++] = "I am upset. Don't I sound upset?"
random_text[number++] = "Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime."
random_text[number++] = "Midnight, Oscar!'"
random_text[number++] = "This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-"
random_text[number++] = "I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing."
random_text[number++] = "I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!"
random_text[number++] = "That's what happened to O.J."
random_text[number++] = "I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man."
random_text[number++] = "I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies."
random_text[number++] = "Beer me!"
random_text[number++] = "I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time."
random_text[number++] = "Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet."
random_text[number++] = "Lord, beer me strength."
random_text[number++] = "Those are the money beets."
random_text[number++] = "Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really."
random_text[number++] = "Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony."
random_text[number++] = "May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling."
random_text[number++] = "Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right."
random_text[number++] = "I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline!"
random_text[number++] = "By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team."
random_text[number++] = "If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me."
random_text[number++] = "If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."
random_text[number++] = "I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?"
random_text[number++] = "MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic..."
random_text[number++] = "And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage."
random_text[number++] = "Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key..."
random_text[number++] = "Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm."
random_text[number++] = "Another worm? Like, are they friends?"
random_text[number++] = "Let me smell. ... Good, not great."
random_text[number++] = "So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy."
random_text[number++] = "Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend."
random_text[number++] = "It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces."
random_text[number++] = "Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star."
random_text[number++] = "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No? Then you are an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management."
random_text[number++] = "I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station."
random_text[number++] = "Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?"
random_text[number++] = "I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party."
random_text[number++] = "I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling."
random_text[number++] = "Don't break up you guys, you're great together."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation."
random_text[number++] = "I think I just got flashed."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I'll call the real police."
random_text[number++] = "The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?"
random_text[number++] = "If that's flashing, then lock me up."
random_text[number++] = "Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul."
random_text[number++] = "Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. ... ... I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."
random_text[number++] = "And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me."
random_text[number++] = "For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. "
random_text[number++] = "Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free."
random_text[number++] = "There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. "
random_text[number++] = "And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take."
random_text[number++] = "Phallus?"
random_text[number++] = "Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things."
random_text[number++] = "Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen."
random_text[number++] = "If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?"
random_text[number++] = "Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women."
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited."
random_text[number++] = "Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny."
random_text[number++] = "No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist."
random_text[number++] = "Michael. When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian."
random_text[number++] = "My car, my rules."
random_text[number++] = "I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it."
random_text[number++] = "Many women are competent drivers."
random_text[number++] = "This is what we know'."
random_text[number++] = "I figured. It's cool. I don't <20> I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway."
random_text[number++] = "What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese."
random_text[number++] = "Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome."
random_text[number++] = "I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls."
random_text[number++] = "Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex."
random_text[number++] = "And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it."
random_text[number++] = "You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan?"
random_text[number++] = "Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested."
random_text[number++] = "She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles."
random_text[number++] = "But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked."
random_text[number++] = "I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly."
random_text[number++] = "You know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear."
random_text[number++] = "Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?"
random_text[number++] = "Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute."
random_text[number++] = "Not it. I don't have eggs."
random_text[number++] = "About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?"
random_text[number++] = "It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes... you just gots to get your freak on."
random_text[number++] = "May God guide you in your quest."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt. Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse."
random_text[number++] = "Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, you can't swim in leather pants. I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally."
random_text[number++] = "I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head."
random_text[number++] = "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
random_text[number++] = "If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I hope there will be management parables."
random_text[number++] = "Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know?"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "No, the blue team."
random_text[number++] = "Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him."
random_text[number++] = "There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon."
random_text[number++] = "I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!"
random_text[number++] = "There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking."
random_text[number++] = "Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily."
random_text[number++] = "The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world."
random_text[number++] = "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!"
random_text[number++] = "Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!"
random_text[number++] = "Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team."
random_text[number++] = "If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day."
random_text[number++] = "I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!"
random_text[number++] = "At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units."
random_text[number++] = "How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital."
random_text[number++] = "Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends."
random_text[number++] = "What's different about you? You look worse."
random_text[number++] = "What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut."
random_text[number++] = "Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless."
random_text[number++] = "Pam is... kind of a bitch."
random_text[number++] = "Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... Moon each other."
random_text[number++] = "Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said."
random_text[number++] = "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out."
random_text[number++] = "I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time."
random_text[number++] = "My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem."
random_text[number++] = "Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time."
random_text[number++] = "I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front."
random_text[number++] = "I am gonna be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never."
random_text[number++] = "No. And the sheets are made of fire."
random_text[number++] = "Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town."
random_text[number++] = "You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!"
random_text[number++] = "Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?"
random_text[number++] = "I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers."
random_text[number++] = "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots."
random_text[number++] = "I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement."
random_text[number++] = "That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent."
random_text[number++] = "Cause I am what I am. ... That's Popeye."
random_text[number++] = "I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?"
random_text[number++] = "I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous."
random_text[number++] = "Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger."
random_text[number++] = "That is Beardy."
random_text[number++] = "Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means."
random_text[number++] = "I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'"
random_text[number++] = "So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?"
random_text[number++] = "There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.'"
random_text[number++] = "In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again."
random_text[number++] = "What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?"
random_text[number++] = "The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns."
random_text[number++] = "Is it because of these?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey! You're<i/> unstable!"
random_text[number++] = "David, I did not tell her."
random_text[number++] = "I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. It could work. This could work, really!"
random_text[number++] = "Why is my office black?"
random_text[number++] = "So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere."
random_text[number++] = "This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones."
random_text[number++] = "But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay."
random_text[number++] = "Pam. Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?"
random_text[number++] = "All right. Then... it's a date."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry, what was the question?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage."
random_text[number++] = "No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then?"
random_text[number++] = "We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat."
random_text[number++] = "We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end."
random_text[number++] = "I stole it!"
random_text[number++] = "If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor."
random_text[number++] = "If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!"
random_text[number++] = "Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid."
random_text[number++] = "Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela."
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<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
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<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
</div>
</aside>
</div>
<main id="main" class="col-md-6 site-main" role="main">
<article id="post-105" class="post-105 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-uncategorized">
<header class="entry-header">
<h1 class="entry-title">Season 4 &#8211; Episode 01 &#8220;Fun Run&#8221;</h1>
<div class="entry-meta">
</div><!-- .entry-meta -->
</header><!-- .entry-header -->
<div class="entry-content">
<p> Written by Greg Daniels<br /> Directed by Greg Daniels<br /> Original Air Date: September 27, 2007 </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Ok, well I did not get the job in New York, but I got the real prize, domestic bliss. Jan made me breakfast this morning&#8230; well she bought the milk. It&#8217;s soy. [walks into bedroom, Jan sleeping on bed] This is why I do it, that&#8217;s what I have to come home to. [sighs] She probably won&#8217;t be up for a few hours. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um&#8230; Andy and Dwight are rockin&#8217; the sales team. I feel very blessed. [slams on breaks, camera turns, Meredith rolls off the hood] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>IT Tech Guy:</b> You know generally it&#8217;s not a good idea to click on offers that you haven&#8217;t requested. What was the exact offer?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> It was for a video.<br /> <b>IT Tech Guy:</b> Yeah, what kind of video?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> A celebrity sex tape.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Really, what kind of celebrity?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Not relevant.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> How much did you pay for it?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Not relevant.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You paid for it?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> It all happened so fast. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> I broke up with Karen after the job interview, and uh&#8230; it was a little awkward when she came back from the city. She told me, very clearly, just because we were broken up didn&#8217;t mean she was going anywhere, because she worked really hard for her career. But the next day her desk was empty, and as for me and my current romantic life, I uh&#8230; I&#8217;m single now and looking, so if you know anybody. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. It&#8217;s really nice to be good friends again. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> Are you kidding me, Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile; they&#8217;re just keeping it a secret. Right? [looks at Oscar]<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> I don&#8217;t know, there is no evidence of intimacy. They&#8217;ve been in remarkably good moods. It could be other things.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Are you kidding me? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> And Sunday I&#8217;m thinking of going to that flea-market at the drive-in.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh that sounds fun. I&#8217;m mountain biking on Sunday. On Montage Mountain.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Cool.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Well have fun with that. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Where?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could&#8230; And she is going to be OK.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> So she&#8217;s really going to be fine?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture, but, ah&#8230; people have survived far worse.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Thank God you were there.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Did you see who did it?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No need we can just check the security tapes.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Who was driving?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, Michael. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> It&#8217;s only Meredith.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah, it&#8217;s only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Hey&#8230; Why did you do it?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It was an accident.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Was she talkin&#8217; back?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hey guys, we&#8217;re all gonna visit Meredith at lunch. And we&#8217;re kicking in $5 for flowers.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Who&#8217;s we, you and Jim?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, uh, me Stanley and Phyllis so far.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Oh, I bet Jim goes too.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah, I haven&#8217;t asked him yet.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Oh, I bet you ask?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I was planning on it.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I bet you were.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Angela?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> [whispers to Kevin] Subtle.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> What<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [to Angela] Are you coming?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I can&#8217;t, Sprinkles is sick. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> She&#8217;s been sick for some time. Thank you for asking, no one asks&#8230; about Sprinkles. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her, and who will she eat lunch with?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Can&#8217;t your other cats keep her company.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> There&#8217;s bad blood, jealousies, cliques.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Angela, you&#8217;re the chairman of the party planning committee. I shouldn&#8217;t even be planning this, it&#8217;s your job.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> [sighs] All right! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> My lord my liege.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Yes Michael? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Back? Why is that Michael?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Oh! Did you do this on purpose?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, I was being negligent. But she&#8217;s in the hospital, she&#8217;s fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in&#8230;<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Did this happen on company property?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so&#8230; double jeopardy, we are fine.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> I don&#8217;t think you understand how jeopardy works.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, right, I&#8217;m sorry. What is: we are fine?<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> [sigh] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Ryan:</b> People keep calling me a &#8220;Wunderkind&#8221;; I don&#8217;t even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means, it means very successful for your age, so I guess it makes sense, but&#8230; it&#8217;s a weird word. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> Hey D.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Hey monkey, what&#8217;s up?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Sure.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I have to visit the alchy.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Check to see if she&#8217;s faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn&#8217;t crack my pelvis. You know what; I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some workers comp.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I wouldn&#8217;t put it past her.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> So what do you need me to do?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I wrote it out.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Mm-hmm.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> There&#8217;s a diabetes shot, roll the insulin in your hand, don&#8217;t shake it. She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal, but you have to put her right in front of the dish or she won&#8217;t see it because of the cataracts. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine, um&#8230; and you want to give that to her 15 minutes after she&#8217;s eaten. And, oh and there&#8217;s a fungal cream because she has this infection under her tail, so you&#8217;re gonna have to lift her tail and put the cream right at the base of her tail. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Ok, I have an announcement.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> You pushed Darryl out the window?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> You shot Dwight?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No! That is not funny, I love my employees, even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I&#8217;m just trying to take everybody&#8217;s mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh good, so we don&#8217;t have to work.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> OK, we&#8217;re leaving for the hospital at 1.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> So, like a freedom tree.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I can take 3 people.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I can also take 3 people.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> [to Kevin] Separate cars.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pam.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we&#8217;ll sign it outside her room.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pam.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly works can go at lunch.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ok, good good, so we&#8217;ll just all go down there together at lunch.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Excellent!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I was thinking that we&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good work Pam.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> But&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yaaaaaay, Pam! Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> You can&#8217;t be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don&#8217;t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I&#8217;ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me&#8230; No, don&#8217;t sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I&#8217;m trying to make. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh&#8230; She looks like an angel.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> She looks awful.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No&#8230; OK, she always looks like that&#8230; That is not my fault.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I think she&#8217;s awake.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No&#8230; She&#8217;s in a coma.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> No.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> OK&#8230; Meredith, [hauntingly] Ooooohhhhh. I brought all your friends from the office dear.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> At the same time.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Hello Meredith.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> This is weird.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Brought you some balloons. Why don&#8217;t we&#8230; here you go. [wraps them around her IV] Tie these up, cheer up your tubes&#8230; [IV pops out] Oh! Shhhh&#8230; For God&#8217;s sake!<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Whoa!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Nurse.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> No don&#8217;t bother the nurse, just put it back in.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [groaning] I am going to be sick&#8230; I&#8217;m gonna puke.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I wouldn&#8217;t&#8230; I wouldn&#8217;t worry about it. Don&#8217;t touch it.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> What, what are you doing? Just gimme that.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Thanks.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> [applauds]<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Does it hurt terribly?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> No, it&#8217;s not too bad. They have me on a lot of painkillers.<br /> <b>Creed:</b> Oh really, what kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percocet, Fentanyl, Oxycontin, Palladone? What&#8230;<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> I have no idea.<br /> <b>Creed:</b> Oh. [laughs]<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. I&#8217;ll see you guys at the office.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, OK&#8230; Wait up, wait up, guys guys guys, hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Michael, I&#8217;m not gonna do that.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No, that&#8217;s not. That&#8217;s next to cleanliness.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, just shhhh&#8230; just just&#8230;<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> You cracked my pelvis<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Look, I just&#8230; I don&#8217;t understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> You&#8217;re not forgiven.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Come on. [starts to climb onto the bed with meredith.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Michael! Michael!<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> [screams] </div>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it&#8217;s not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised. </div>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Hey monkey.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Any problems?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Well you left the TV on, and your cat is dead.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> What!?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Sparkles, the white one, is dead.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Sprinkles.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> That was the sick one, right?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Uh-huh. But I thought she had more time.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Did she look&#8230; When you saw her how was she looking?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Really dead. Like a&#8230; just a dead cat.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> [sobbing]<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> So&#8230; Hey come on, don&#8217;t be sad, just&#8230; OK&#8230; just. She&#8217;s in a better place.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Alright.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Actually the place that she&#8217;s in is the freezer, because of the odor.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> [still sobbing] </div>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [to Angela] It&#8217;s gonna be OK.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> OK, you know what? Everybody, let&#8217;s just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis, a tiny little crack. She going to be fine, so let&#8217;s just&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Michael, Angela&#8217;s cat died.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Sprinkles?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> [nods]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [sighs] Oh, sh&#8230; I&#8217;m sorry Angela. Man what a day huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then&#8230; Sprinkles! God, that&#8217;s 3 things. I&#8217;ll tell you what&#8217;s going on. This office is cursed, and we need to do something about it. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I&#8217;m not superstitious, but&#8230; I&#8217;m&#8230; I am a little-stitious. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Like what?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Like park on it. Or dig up a body&#8230; Toby? Anything you want to tell us?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact I had some good luck recently, Alfredo&#8217;s Pizza, picked my business card out of the basket, so&#8230; uh, I got a week of free pies.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> That&#8217;s cool.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God in your infinite wisdom how could you do this? She wasn&#8217;t ready. She had so much left to accomplish.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> She&#8217;s only a cat.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> You never&#8230; you don&#8217;t like them.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Dwight please!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Dwight, you haven&#8217;t seen Meredith yet, have you?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No, I have not.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I do not respect her, but I will go.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Oh, Michael, you can&#8217;t ask about religious beliefs&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Alright, well then you can ask about religious beliefs.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let&#8217;s just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> I&#8217;m&#8230; um, Catholic.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> OK.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Presbyterian.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Alright.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh me too.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Oh?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [puts hand up for high five] Same religion.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Alright! [high fives Pam]<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> I&#8217;m a Lutheran and Bob&#8217;s a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> That&#8217;s why we&#8217;re cursed. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Creed:</b> I&#8217;ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> That&#8217;s Buddhist.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Are you sure?<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> No.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What are you?<br /> <b>IT Tech Guy:</b> Well if you&#8217;re going to reduce my identity to my religion then I&#8217;m Sikh, but I also like Hip-hop and NPR, and I&#8217;m restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> OK, 1 Sikh, and&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we&#8217;re using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what&#8217;s unethical. </div>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Don&#8217;t pull any plugs.<br /> <b>Intern:</b> How are you doing Ms. Palmer?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Better.<br /> <b>Intern:</b> Excellent.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Are you a doctor, or a male nurse?<br /> <b>Intern:</b> Um&#8230; I&#8217;m an intern, which makes me a doctor, but&#8230;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Pfft&#8230; Her chart doesn&#8217;t indicate that she had a hysterectomy but she did, or at least she got time off for one.<br /> <b>Intern:</b> Ah, so uh&#8230; so that is where her uterus went&#8230; Um, Ms. Palmer, your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Yes. Dwight here, trapped it in a bag against my head.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Just doing my job.<br /> <b>Intern:</b> It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> And a rat. Separate occasions. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. [sighs] And it&#8217;s not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn&#8217;t make any sense&#8230; God is dead.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> If there was a God then Ryan and I would be married by now.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there&#8217;s some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just&#8230; the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah&#8230; the body of a porcupine. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> I will do some research.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I can help you with that. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> So, just to be safe they are giving her the rabies vaccine.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh God, Rabies?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Mm-hmm.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No, no. You&#8217;ve gotta be bitten by something.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> This place is so cursed.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital, cause the only way to beat rabies, is to start treatment before the symptoms set in&#8230; Lock jaw.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [walks out into the office] I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith&#8217;s life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Six of one, really.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people! [Kevin claps] Oh&#8230; there is a God, and he has a plan for us after all. So go home get some rest, very very good work today. We got a lot accomplished. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus&#8217; dad? </div>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> [Pam walks out of the office into the parking lot alone. Kevin pops up from the back seat of his car as if spying] Oh well, if they aren&#8217;t together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they&#8217;d be good together, like PB&#038;J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What &#8211; A &#8211; Waste!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [Pam&#8217;s car pulls out of parking lot and then off to the side of the road] I told you I&#8217;m not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don&#8217;t think it&#8217;s anyone&#8217;s business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like when it&#8217;s for real, the last person I&#8217;m gonna talk about it too is a camera crew, or my co-workers. [Jim gets into the passenger side] Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be. [Jim leans over and kisses Pam] Trust me, when I fall in love, you&#8217;ll know. </div>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Michael Scott&#8217;s Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pro-Am.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Pro-Am race for the&#8230; They hung up. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> A woman shouldn&#8217;t have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I&#8217;m hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> [on the phone] No, rabies&#8230; Babies would be a good idea. Can I put you down for a dime?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hi Stanley, how many sponsors so far?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Zero.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Come on man, gotta step it up! It&#8217;s for a good cause. Jan called this morning and pledged $500.00.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Isn&#8217;t that your money?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8230; is for a good cause. Phyllis, how&#8217;s the rabies quilt coming?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Oh, it&#8217;s coming.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, look at that, 3. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Michael?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> You cannot make me run.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> OK. [walks away]<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> It is not a real charity. It&#8217;s stupid Michael, and I&#8217;m not gonna do it.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Alright, alright.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> You didn&#8217;t run for me&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Shhh&#8230;<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> &#8230;when I thought I had skin cancer.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I know that you&#8217;re probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> No.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> OK, well back in olden times, a large fat person, like this, was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food, person of respect. Like the regional manager of the day. Whereas, someone athletic and trim, like myself, was someone who worked in the fields&#8230; And I was a peasant.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I just don&#8217;t want to run. I didn&#8217;t bring my sneakers or my clothes.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, you&#8217;re going to have to run, or you&#8217;re going to be in a lot of trouble. It is not olden times anymore. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> [in bathroom] I&#8217;m petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So&#8230; I take precautions. [tapes a cotton ball to each nipple] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Hey Angela. Hey, um&#8230; I&#8217;m sorry about your cat. [Angela starts to cry] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> This is Sprinkles. [holds up a picture] She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year, [picture of Angela holding Sprinkles] just a couple of kittens [starts to cry] out on the town. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> Pssst. I&#8217;m having relationship problems. And since you&#8217;re always having relationship problems, I thought you&#8217;d be able to give me some advice.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> What&#8217;s wrong?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I have this crazy thought, that I know is crazy. That maybe Dwight killed my cat.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hmm&#8230;<br /> <b>Angela:</b> When I got home, Sprinkles&#8217; body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her, but all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Ah.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Something&#8217;s not right. The vet&#8217;s doing an autopsy.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Angela, I&#8217;m sorry.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Did Roy ever kill one of your cats?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I&#8217;m more of a dog person.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> [sighs] </div>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> So what&#8217;s your strategy for this race?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Well I&#8217;m gonna start fast.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Mm-hmm.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Then I&#8217;m gonna run fast in the middle.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Then I&#8217;m gonna end fast.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Why won&#8217;t more people do that? [laughs]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Cause they&#8217;re just stupid.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [looks at camera] What? </div>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [Pam and Jim watch video of their kiss on the tv] Oh, ah&#8230; No that&#8217;s not&#8230; I mean that wasn&#8217;t, ah&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah&#8230; That was um&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I mean I can see how it would seem a bit like we uh&#8230; How it looks like um&#8230; I mean now a days you can edit anything, right? I mean you can edit anything to look like um&#8230; anything.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah, I gave him a ride home because&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Right!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> &#8230; We&#8217;re dating.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Wow! There it is.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Ah, yeah. We haven&#8217;t told anybody, but it&#8217;s going really great. [looks at Jim] Right?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> It is going really great. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [Angela runs into Dwight] Oww!<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Shut up.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You&#8217;re taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Oh, really?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [sighs] You&#8217;ll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> [pushes her chair into Dwight&#8217;s legs] I&#8217;m not depressed I&#8217;m in grief. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> We have raised, almost $700.00, most of it from me and Jan. Um&#8230; when do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Well a giant check costs about $200.00 to make up. I have a print shop standing by but&#8230; What do you think Michael, that&#8217;s over 25% of our funds?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hmm&#8230; That&#8217;s a tough decision. Um&#8230; I always imagined it with a giant check. So&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, I mean I personally am definitely on board for the giant check.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Giant check it is.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yep.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Well I don&#8217;t know, on the other hand it does leave less money for bat birth control.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Bat birth control<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right Michael, that&#8217;s what you told me when I contributed.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You didn&#8217;t contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And how&#8217;s that been going?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Not well. A doctor won&#8217;t come out to collect a check for $700.00, or $500.00 if we go with the giant check.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Which we are.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> And also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What about a rabies nurse?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I don&#8217;t think so.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You know what though, I&#8217;ve actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour, for parties and bachelor events.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s possible. Look into that.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Great, it&#8217;s gonna cost a couple a hundred buck and ah&#8230; oh actually more with tips.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and setup a college fund for Meredith&#8217;s son.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Have you met that kid? He&#8217;s not going to college. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Michael, 5k means 5 kilometers, not 5 thousand miles. [knocks]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Come in.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey, hey, hey<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh my God.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What are you doing?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> You said come in!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No I didn&#8217;t, just please don&#8217;t&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh my God. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> So I closed the door but the image of his&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Baquette.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> &#8230; dangling participle&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Eww.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> &#8230; still burned in my eyes.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I can imagine.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [Michael knocks slowly on door] Come in.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> May I enter the room?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yes. Or come in.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> See how I did that. That&#8217;s the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You couldn&#8217;t have taken off all your clothes in the men&#8217;s room?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, but I have an office, so why would I do that.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> European offices are naked all the time.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> They&#8217;re so not.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I didn&#8217;t see where it started but I saw where it ended.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [sighs] Gross.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s not gross, it is the human body. What is your problem? Pam you&#8217;re an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models. OK, you know what, I don&#8217;t want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today, it&#8217;s not fair to people with rabies. And that&#8217;s the point, right? OK, let&#8217;s go have some fun.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Alright. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> They say if you&#8217;re nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on&#8230; or a funny coat. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [naked from chest up] Oh, I&#8217;m sorry, is this a working office, and not a French beach? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> OK, name please.<br /> <b>Creed:</b> Creed Bratton, 75 plus division.<br /> <b>Jan:</b> You&#8217;re over 75 years old?<br /> <b>Creed:</b> 82 November first. How much is the prize money?<br /> <b>Jan:</b> There&#8217;s no prize money.<br /> <b>Creed:</b> What, is any of this real? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Check that out. [points to Toby] Look at me, I&#8217;m Toby, I&#8217;m stretching, I know what I&#8217;m doing. Why is he even here? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> What? Look, no it was not&#8230;<br /> <b>Jan:</b> I don&#8217;t know what your deal is, but he&#8217;s mine, OK? So hands off.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> OK everybody, listen up. Thank you for coming. Before we get started I wanted to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I&#8217;d like you to take a look into the face of rabies. [turns around a picture of Meredith in the hospital] That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three&#8230; too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming barking killer. And it is something&#8230; Darryl what are you doing.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> [feeding a squirrel] I&#8217;m giving him a peanut.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, don&#8217;t give him&#8230; just, did you hear anything I said?<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Look how happy he is.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> He&#8217;s happy because he&#8217;s insane. You know what, that&#8217;s the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where&#8217;s the nurse? [Elizabeth walks up in nurse&#8217;s outfit] This is the reason we&#8217;re here.<br /> <b>Elizabeth:</b> Hello Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh hey, I know you&#8230; Elizabeth?<br /> <b>Elizabeth:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Right? Wow, very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check, for $340.00 made out to science. Make sure that, that gets into the right hands.<br /> <b>Elizabeth:</b> Great. [everyone claps] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> You got it?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Mm-hmm.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> OK, fettuccine alfredo, time to carbo-load. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Just remember folks, it&#8217;s not about winning, it is about finishing.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> On your marks, get set&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [pulls Toby&#8217;s pants down] Beow!<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Hey! [extremely loud gunshot] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> On your left!<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> You&#8217;re doing great Michael, look at you go!<br /> <b>Creed:</b> That&#8217;s my boss! Yeah-ha baby!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I am fast! I&#8217;m very fast! I&#8217;m like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot. [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar get into a cab] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> I&#8217;ve walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance. [running right behind Kevin] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah. [laughs] Oh we&#8217;re in last place.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, would you look at that.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Darn it. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jan:</b> Water? Water? [Toby gabs water, drinks, then throws back at Jan] Water babe?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water&#8230; solidarity!<br /> <b>Jan:</b> Michael that&#8217;s irrational. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Rabies victims&#8230; have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So&#8230; least I could do. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Oh God! My nipples, it&#8217;s starting. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Creed:</b> [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar sitting at a table] Can we get another round?<br /> <b>Waitress:</b> OK.<br /> <b>Creed:</b> Thanks.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> So we&#8217;ve got what, another 20 minutes?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> More or less.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Hmmm&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You&#8217;ve got nothing to worry about, I put Imodium in Toby&#8217;s coffee before the race.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [laughs] Excellent! &#8230;Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Toby:</b> I&#8217;m makin&#8217; great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this, but not today. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I don&#8217;t know I&#8217;m really committed to winning.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> OK, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that&#8217;s already been cured.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Mmm&#8230; Yes.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> That&#8217;s what I thought.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Right. Let&#8217;s do some good. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Ryan:</b> [Ryan looks at the phone as it rings&#8230; [Pam&#8217;s voice] [You have reached the offices of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael Scott, DM FM PMC rabies awareness Pro-Am fun run race&#8230; [Michael&#8217;s voice] for the cure&#8230; [Pam&#8217;s voice] leave a message&#8221; Ryan hangs up] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [Burp] Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I&#8217;m getting a stitch. [groans] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> [runs into the back of Kevin] Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Back off me. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> How ya feeling, better?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Well you look cute as a button. You&#8217;ve worked up quite a sweat.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I am a farmer Angela.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> What does that mean?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> OK, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don&#8217;t have the stomach to do.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> You did kill her!?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I&#8230; I sang her, her favorite songs.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> You put her in my freezer.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Well I&#8217;m not responsible for that!<br /> <b>Angela:</b> You! [hits Dwight]<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Hey, Oww! [looks around to onlookers] It&#8217;s OK.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> It&#8217;s OK.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> It&#8217;s nothing, I&#8217;m robbing her.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> It&#8217;s nothing.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> It&#8217;s fine. What?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> How could you do that without telling me?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you don&#8217;t get there if you&#8217;re euthanized.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I know a great taxidermist. I&#8217;ll pay to have her stuffed. Well he&#8217;s not great, but he&#8217;s pretty good.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> You don&#8217;t understand.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [runs by] Take bat bites seriously. Don&#8217;t get bit.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Don&#8217;t touch me Dwight! [runs off crying] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [holding lamp] You like it? It&#8217;s kinda designy and cool, it was $8.00.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, and I get to carry it. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Toby:</b> [crosses finish line] And the winner is Toby Flenderson.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Have a seat, I&#8217;ll write it down.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Where are we?<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> He couldn&#8217;t have made it a circle? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [bent over] I am not going to finish. I can&#8217;t beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it. [Creed,Stanley, and Oscar pass by in the cab and get out at the finish line] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> &#8230;talk about it.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah probably. Hey, Michael?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I can&#8217;t finish. I feel so weak, I just&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Well, you&#8217;re probably dehydrated.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What do you want me to do Jim?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Glass of water would be a start.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They&#8217;re deformed, and they&#8217;re abnormal, and&#8230; they&#8217;re illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don&#8217;t have any money. Public TV is bust. I can&#8217;t do anything about it, I can&#8217;t&#8230; you know. There&#8217;s just one of me, and there&#8217;s a thousand of them. And rabies wins.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I&#8217;m still having a nice day.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You are?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s a good deal.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> And Michael, you don&#8217;t have rabies. And chances are you&#8217;re not going to get it anytime soon. So&#8230; you don&#8217;t really have to think about it too much.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah, but there&#8217;s other, better people out there who are helping.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You just don&#8217;t think I am capable, of making a difference.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I know you Michael, I saw you naked.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You don&#8217;t, you don&#8217;t know me. You&#8217;ve just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I&#8217;m the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this&#8230; GD 5k [gets up groaning, Jim tries to help] No, no! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That&#8217;s why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I&#8217;m very, very proud of that. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Meredith:</b> Hey Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey Mer. How ya doing?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Better.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It&#8217;s ironic isn&#8217;t it? I mean I&#8217;m in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you&#8217;re in it for a disease that causes the fear of water.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> I&#8217;m in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so I&#8217;m not mad at you anymore.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Thanks, I&#8217;m not mad at you anymore. [sighs, takes sucker out of his mouth] Wanna share?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Sure.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m not really sick. [Meredith takes a lick and hands back to Michael] Nah, I&#8217;m good. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="DSblock"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 1</u></b> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Did you ever think of this? Would a sober person walk in front of a car?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Ay-o!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I&#8217;m sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 AM?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well&#8230;<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> That&#8217;s despicable.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Michael.<br /> <b>Someone:</b> That&#8217;s not cool.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> There&#8217;s no proof of that.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s not&#8230;<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> That seems early, even for her.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s not what&#8230;no, no, I&#8217;m not saying that, that&#8217;s disgusting. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Meredith:</b> Drunk? No! You can&#8217;t get drunk off Kahlua. It&#8217;s just a kind of coffee. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Then&#8230; what are you saying?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I am saying&#8230; that&#8230; maybe I was drunk. Did you ever think of that?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Definitely not.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> That&#8217;d be DUI.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> That&#8217;s&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Maybe she hit me. You ever think of that? She hit me? I don&#8217;t know whose fault it was. I wasn&#8217;t exactly looking at the road. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hey, Toby. [walks past him to Kelly&#8217;s cubicle] <br /> <b>Toby:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Kelly, we&#8217;re going to visit Meredith at lunch. [Kelly&#8217;s lying down on floor, head unseen under desk. She rolls to her side, away from Pam] Kelly? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Toby:</b> Well, Kelly&#8217;s been so upset about Ryan dumping her, that she can&#8217;t even talk. [grins]<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> [from under desk] I don&#8217;t want to talk to anybody about Ryan! Please, go away! </div>
</p></div>
<div class="DSblock"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 2</u></b> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> They don&#8217;t have this kind of technology at the vet&#8217;s. It&#8217;s not far.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> It&#8217;s fair.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know what, why don&#8217;t go around the room and say one memory of Meredith. I&#8217;ll start. I liked her jumpers. They reminded me of Kindergarten. Jim?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I&#8217;ll always remember Meredith&#8217;s back. That&#8217;s all I can see from my desk. All that red hair, over a nice strong back. Sometimes I pretend it&#8217;s Carrot Top, and he&#8217;s going to turn around and tell a joke.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> So, how&#8217;s the view old girl? [looking out windows] Oh! There&#8217;s a cemetery. You think that&#8217;s affiliated with the hospital, or is it a like a separate feature&#8230; <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey! Okay, okay, okay, You can just close that.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Bye, Meredith. Here you go. We got you some balloons.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> See you guys. [chorus of goodbyes, all but Michael file out as he&#8217;s talking, Creed takes Meredith&#8217;s pills]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Let&#8217;s just&#8230; Why can&#8217;t you just forgive&#8230; Why, why are you having such a hard time laughing this off? How do you know that you weren&#8217;t born with some sort of abnormal pelvis that it was just bound to crack at some point?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Oh please, Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m not going to leave until you forgive me.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> You&#8217;re gonna be here a <i>long</i> time.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [standing for a while, sighs, turns to walk out] Oh, okay.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Nurse! I just need some water. And my pills. Thank you.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> There you go.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> There&#8217;s nothing in here. </div>
</p></div>
<div class="DSblock"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 3</u></b> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> This office is cursed. [sighs] And we need to do something about it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Conference room?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Maybe the conference room, maybe the annex. I&#8217;m just saying, at least right here [indicates floor in front of his office] is cursed. Conference room, 10 minutes. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> On the one hand, it&#8217;s a relief to know that it&#8217;s not just me, the whole office is cursed. On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Question: Has anyone recently offended a Gypsy?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> We have to have done something wrong.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> You ran over an employee.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That was the curse, Stanley, and we are trying to find the cause of the curse.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Mmm. [nods]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oscar, are you Santaria?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> I was raised Catholic, but I&#8217;m agnostic now, so I guess I&#8217;m a secular humanist.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh. Great. We have a secular humanist here, that is disgusting.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Michael, do you know what secular humanism is?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes. It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Oh.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Stupid. </div>
</p></div>
<div class="DSblock"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 4</u></b> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> My cousin Mose&#8217;s best friend was a dog. One day, he was foaming at the mouth, so I had to shoot him dead. Turns out, he had only eaten one of Mose&#8217;s cream pies. Did I feel bad for killing him? No. That&#8217;s how you deal with a thief. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah, the, uh, the charity&#8217;s having some financial problems. What do I look like to you, Paul Newman? That&#8217;s actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face. And I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman&#8217;s Ranch with Newman&#8217;s Italian. Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss. I could make&#8230; I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone [shakes head] but I won&#8217;t do it. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Whoa, &#8216;scuse me! Oh!<br /> <b>Bob Vance:</b> Let&#8230; let&#8217;s pick it up, Phyllis! <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, slow! Oh, ho, ho, ho. [laughing as he passes Phyllis and Bob] You guys are going so slow&#8230;<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Go get him Bobby!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Come on, I&#8217;m going backwards.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Sic him!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, all right! All right! All right! All right!<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Sic him!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay! [Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint, Michael grunting] </div>
</p></div>
<div class="DSblock"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 5</u></b> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pediatrician:</b> You&#8217;re gonna be just fine, Michael! You&#8217;re gonna have a good life. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Thanks.<br /> <b>Pediatrician:</b> Lots of people suffer dehydration; they all recover just fine. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pediatrician:</b> I&#8217;m Michael&#8217;s pediatrician. Dehydration&#8217;s pretty simple. He could also have been treated by a Boy Scout leader, a coach, or a, a&#8230; a water bottle. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay. I will be paying out-of-pocket. Um&#8230; I kinda wish I&#8217;d been hit by a car. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Hey, doc? You forgetting something? [pediatrician takes a lollypop from his pocket and gives it to Michael] Thank you. </div>
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<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
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