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<meta property="og:description" content="Written by Michael Schur Directed by Bryan Gordon Transcribed by Andy Dwight: Michael!? Michael: Oh! God. Dwight, come on&#8230; Dwight: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing? Michael: There&#8217;s no downsizing. Dwight: I, but if there were, I&#8217;d be protected as assistant regional manager? Michael: Assistant to the regional manager Dwight. Dwight: Yeah, &hellip;" />
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<meta name="twitter:description" content="Written by Michael Schur Directed by Bryan Gordon Transcribed by Andy Dwight: Michael!? Michael: Oh! God. Dwight, come on&#8230; Dwight: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing? Michael: There&#8217;s no downsizing. Dwight: I, but if there were, I&#8217;d be protected as assistant regional manager? Michael: Assistant to the regional manager Dwight. Dwight: Yeah, &hellip;" />
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random_text[number++] = "I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair."
random_text[number++] = "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!"
random_text[number++] = "Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you. "
random_text[number++] = "I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager. "
random_text[number++] = "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."
random_text[number++] = "Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! FALSE. I do not miss him."
random_text[number++] = "No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded."
random_text[number++] = "Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude."
random_text[number++] = "I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman."
random_text[number++] = "That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you."
random_text[number++] = "I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?"
random_text[number++] = "The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays."
random_text[number++] = "That's what she said. Or he said."
random_text[number++] = "I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?"
random_text[number++] = "No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer."
random_text[number++] = "Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ."
random_text[number++] = "You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin."
random_text[number++] = "I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third."
random_text[number++] = "They always want credit for something they supposed to do! What you want a cookie?"
random_text[number++] = "'...in this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck. He's going to lose it when he reads that."
random_text[number++] = "This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here."
random_text[number++] = "Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "Come on, Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on."
random_text[number++] = "You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended."
random_text[number++] = "That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive."
random_text[number++] = "Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."
random_text[number++] = "Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
random_text[number++] = "He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom."
random_text[number++] = "I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion."
random_text[number++] = "Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
random_text[number++] = "It's an epidemic."
random_text[number++] = "Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, hey, everybody. Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh!"
random_text[number++] = "OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?"
random_text[number++] = "See I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?"
random_text[number++] = "I think green is kind of whoreish."
random_text[number++] = "Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so..."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath."
random_text[number++] = "One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision."
random_text[number++] = "He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself."
random_text[number++] = "I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box."
random_text[number++] = "And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt."
random_text[number++] = "Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine."
random_text[number++] = "Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0."
random_text[number++] = "Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike."
random_text[number++] = "Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?"
random_text[number++] = "Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? "
random_text[number++] = "I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?"
random_text[number++] = "Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great."
random_text[number++] = "Who? Dave Barry?"
random_text[number++] = "It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk."
random_text[number++] = "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it."
random_text[number++] = "And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!"
random_text[number++] = "This says 'Bushiest Beaver.'"
random_text[number++] = "No, no. Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink!"
random_text[number++] = "And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WOOOOOOOO!"
random_text[number++] = "I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms."
random_text[number++] = "Every so often, Jim dies of boredom."
random_text[number++] = "You see Dwight's coffee mug? Sometimes when he's not here I try to throw things in it."
random_text[number++] = "You try and hurt Mozart, you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. "
random_text[number++] = "Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?'"
random_text[number++] = "We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I got a game. It's called work hard so my kids can go to college."
random_text[number++] = "I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants."
random_text[number++] = "If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton."
random_text[number++] = "There's a basic principle in real estate. That you should never be the best looking person in the development."
random_text[number++] = "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?"
random_text[number++] = "I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you."
random_text[number++] = "Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. "
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom. Gay friendly."
random_text[number++] = "No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble."
random_text[number++] = "You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?"
random_text[number++] = "I tried hopping Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to"
random_text[number++] = "Ok, see you later, Pan."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, please. I have Country Crock."
random_text[number++] = "Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!"
random_text[number++] = "Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. And he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel."
random_text[number++] = "He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works."
random_text[number++] = "I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick..."
random_text[number++] = "The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion."
random_text[number++] = "Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese."
random_text[number++] = "You can't fire me. I don't work in this van!"
random_text[number++] = "Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"
random_text[number++] = "Me so horny. Me love you long tim."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?"
random_text[number++] = "I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.'"
random_text[number++] = "Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down."
random_text[number++] = "Let's go. The men's room was disgusting."
random_text[number++] = "No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear."
random_text[number++] = "We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time."
random_text[number++] = "'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Who knows how words are formed."
random_text[number++] = "Um... Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi."
random_text[number++] = "You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!"
random_text[number++] = "I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays."
random_text[number++] = "You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence."
random_text[number++] = "And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'"
random_text[number++] = "I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow."
random_text[number++] = "But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... "
random_text[number++] = "Oomp-a-Loomp-a-Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome."
random_text[number++] = "Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doopity-doomp."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed."
random_text[number++] = "One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered."
random_text[number++] = "And when I came to, I had an epiphery."
random_text[number++] = "Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever."
random_text[number++] = "You just twist your hand until something breaks."
random_text[number++] = "Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. We will demonstrate on Pam."
random_text[number++] = "This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. ... So I am instituting prima nocta."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay."
random_text[number++] = "It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys."
random_text[number++] = "It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck."
random_text[number++] = "Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever."
random_text[number++] = "Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies."
random_text[number++] = "SHUT UP ANGELA!"
random_text[number++] = "Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats."
random_text[number++] = "Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings."
random_text[number++] = "Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'"
random_text[number++] = "Michael, Dwight would like your man meat."
random_text[number++] = "You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art."
random_text[number++] = "You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag."
random_text[number++] = "Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?"
random_text[number++] = "I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure."
random_text[number++] = "Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't."
random_text[number++] = "She's prettier than you though."
random_text[number++] = "That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin."
random_text[number++] = "Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "Not that we're all millionaires. ...I'm probably closest."
random_text[number++] = "Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really."
random_text[number++] = "Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!"
random_text[number++] = "No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair."
random_text[number++] = "Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base."
random_text[number++] = "It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five."
random_text[number++] = "Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool."
random_text[number++] = "Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?"
random_text[number++] = "When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too."
random_text[number++] = "Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is."
random_text[number++] = "And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you."
random_text[number++] = "What a pair of Mary's."
random_text[number++] = "Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes."
random_text[number++] = "You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?"
random_text[number++] = "Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time."
random_text[number++] = "Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over."
random_text[number++] = "AM or PM?"
random_text[number++] = "Three hundred and sixty four days, till the next Pretzel Day."
random_text[number++] = "'Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.'"
random_text[number++] = "New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name."
random_text[number++] = "It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes!"
random_text[number++] = "I hooked up with her on February 13th."
random_text[number++] = "Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there."
random_text[number++] = "You mean, like a ham?"
random_text[number++] = "Great Scott!"
random_text[number++] = "Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving."
random_text[number++] = "You're evil, like a hobbit."
random_text[number++] = "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
random_text[number++] = "Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went."
random_text[number++] = "I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October."
random_text[number++] = "In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing."
random_text[number++] = "Do you want us to run aground, woman?!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Let's break up."
random_text[number++] = "Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication."
random_text[number++] = "BFD. Engaged ain't married."
random_text[number++] = "Never, ever, ever give up."
random_text[number++] = "If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?"
random_text[number++] = "Kevin! That's inappropriate."
random_text[number++] = "Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both."
random_text[number++] = "I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis."
random_text[number++] = "Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
random_text[number++] = "Is your password Frodo? Did you just change it to Gollum?"
random_text[number++] = "Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So..."
random_text[number++] = "This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head."
random_text[number++] = "I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? ... I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding."
random_text[number++] = "This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right."
random_text[number++] = "Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers."
random_text[number++] = "You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job!"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword!'"
random_text[number++] = "Please don't throw garbage at me."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, there he is! Secret weapon!"
random_text[number++] = "Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those!"
random_text[number++] = "Same team, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend!"
random_text[number++] = "Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister."
random_text[number++] = "Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right?"
random_text[number++] = "And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer."
random_text[number++] = "It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom."
random_text[number++] = "I don't believe you. Continue."
random_text[number++] = "We've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day."
random_text[number++] = "Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people."
random_text[number++] = "There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays."
random_text[number++] = "Why are you the way that you are?"
random_text[number++] = "Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way."
random_text[number++] = "I hate so much about the things that you choose to be."
random_text[number++] = "Guys, the Afghanistananies."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried."
random_text[number++] = "And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Dinkin' flicka."
random_text[number++] = "You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say."
random_text[number++] = "We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?"
random_text[number++] = "Jan Levinson, I presume?"
random_text[number++] = "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson."
random_text[number++] = "Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. Honestly, I love stealing things."
random_text[number++] = "Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all!"
random_text[number++] = "Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows."
random_text[number++] = "Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. ...Did you believe me?"
random_text[number++] = "One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can."
random_text[number++] = "Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers!"
random_text[number++] = "Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator."
random_text[number++] = "I was just... I'm in love with you."
random_text[number++] = "I just needed you to know. Once."
random_text[number++] = "Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that."
random_text[number++] = "Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am."
random_text[number++] = "And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out."
random_text[number++] = "It's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry."
random_text[number++] = "I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
random_text[number++] = "What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So..."
random_text[number++] = "Because in this office, it is 'till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized."
random_text[number++] = "It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor."
random_text[number++] = "Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist."
random_text[number++] = "Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club."
random_text[number++] = "Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true."
random_text[number++] = "OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?"
random_text[number++] = "I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death."
random_text[number++] = "Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable."
random_text[number++] = "When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
random_text[number++] = "And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'."
random_text[number++] = "Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage."
random_text[number++] = "'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'"
random_text[number++] = "'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'"
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end."
random_text[number++] = "And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?"
random_text[number++] = "It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled."
random_text[number++] = "Yeppers."
random_text[number++] = "And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars."
random_text[number++] = "Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it."
random_text[number++] = "Wikipedia... is the best thing ever."
random_text[number++] = "Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius."
random_text[number++] = "I am declining to speak first."
random_text[number++] = "Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants."
random_text[number++] = "So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery."
random_text[number++] = "Make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes."
random_text[number++] = "For example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way over paid."
random_text[number++] = "So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---"
random_text[number++] = "Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go."
random_text[number++] = "What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor."
random_text[number++] = "Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "Jim--- Roy--- Look out!"
random_text[number++] = "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?"
random_text[number++] = "You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex."
random_text[number++] = "It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial."
random_text[number++] = "It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed."
random_text[number++] = "All right, Levinson. Here's the rub."
random_text[number++] = "But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "So look out Dunder Mifflin'! I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... "
random_text[number++] = "You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono."
random_text[number++] = "It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school."
random_text[number++] = "Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs."
random_text[number++] = "I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't."
random_text[number++] = "I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."
random_text[number++] = "Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour."
random_text[number++] = "Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!"
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?"
random_text[number++] = "No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid."
random_text[number++] = "It has to be official, and it has to be urine."
random_text[number++] = "I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair."
random_text[number++] = "And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay?"
random_text[number++] = "A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens."
random_text[number++] = "My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish."
random_text[number++] = "Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!"
random_text[number++] = "When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help!"
random_text[number++] = "Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it."
random_text[number++] = "Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you!"
random_text[number++] = "I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut."
random_text[number++] = "It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's your favorite song."
random_text[number++] = "You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this."
random_text[number++] = "It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal."
random_text[number++] = "Happy birth moment, Michael."
random_text[number++] = "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair."
random_text[number++] = "I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
random_text[number++] = "No cookie.'"
random_text[number++] = "Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner."
random_text[number++] = "Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry."
random_text[number++] = "Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls."
random_text[number++] = "You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense."
random_text[number++] = "Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day."
random_text[number++] = "I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel."
random_text[number++] = "I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
random_text[number++] = "Why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle."
random_text[number++] = "I'm learning that 'fun' for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me."
random_text[number++] = "That's your name? Mister Poop?"
random_text[number++] = "Are you Mother Goose?"
random_text[number++] = "Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life."
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?"
random_text[number++] = "I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend."
random_text[number++] = "I need a username. And... I have a great one. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at."
random_text[number++] = "Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?"
random_text[number++] = "Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke."
random_text[number++] = "'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...'"
random_text[number++] = "It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'."
random_text[number++] = "Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about."
random_text[number++] = "Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me."
random_text[number++] = "The very best of luck to you, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "I always set it at 69."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married."
random_text[number++] = "Blood alone moves the wheels of history!"
random_text[number++] = "WE ARE WARRIORS!"
random_text[number++] = "I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death."
random_text[number++] = "Man, this must be torture for you."
random_text[number++] = "So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation?"
random_text[number++] = "It's Grrrrrrape! Soda."
random_text[number++] = "Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic, order some 'za. Talk about you know who."
random_text[number++] = "Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings."
random_text[number++] = "Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken."
random_text[number++] = "Including prep time?"
random_text[number++] = "If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too."
random_text[number++] = "You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?"
random_text[number++] = "You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me."
random_text[number++] = "You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all."
random_text[number++] = "So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis."
random_text[number++] = "People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust.'"
random_text[number++] = "An emergency like, you have an ice cream cake, and you're in the sun, and it's melting?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't use it to buy refrigerators, Kevin!"
random_text[number++] = "Drew. I'm Drew now."
random_text[number++] = "I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies."
random_text[number++] = "I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!"
random_text[number++] = "And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!'"
random_text[number++] = "Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life."
random_text[number++] = "This is shenanigans, foolishness, NERF-ball. You live a sweet, little, NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it."
random_text[number++] = "What, NERF isn't cool anymore?"
random_text[number++] = "Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant."
random_text[number++] = "You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science."
random_text[number++] = "Indubitably."
random_text[number++] = "Ta-freakin'-da!"
random_text[number++] = "Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato."
random_text[number++] = "Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes."
random_text[number++] = "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss! Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!"
random_text[number++] = "Un-shun. Never. Re-shun."
random_text[number++] = "The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, you ignorant slut."
random_text[number++] = "Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!"
random_text[number++] = "My head is in such pain! And turmoil!"
random_text[number++] = "If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude."
random_text[number++] = "I Braveheart."
random_text[number++] = "I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes."
random_text[number++] = "You look as beautiful as the Queen of England."
random_text[number++] = "We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
random_text[number++] = "Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought."
random_text[number++] = "There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
random_text[number++] = "I look really good in white."
random_text[number++] = "Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning."
random_text[number++] = "Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia."
random_text[number++] = "Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch."
random_text[number++] = "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia."
random_text[number++] = "How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable."
random_text[number++] = "All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever."
random_text[number++] = "I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?"
random_text[number++] = "Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on."
random_text[number++] = "Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it."
random_text[number++] = "He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.'"
random_text[number++] = "I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness."
random_text[number++] = "Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity."
random_text[number++] = "So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga."
random_text[number++] = "I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all."
random_text[number++] = "Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive."
random_text[number++] = "I don't trust you, Phyllis!"
random_text[number++] = "Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny!"
random_text[number++] = "That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?"
random_text[number++] = "It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man."
random_text[number++] = "I think we broke his brain."
random_text[number++] = "No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?"
random_text[number++] = "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!"
random_text[number++] = "You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon."
random_text[number++] = "He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away."
random_text[number++] = "Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing."
random_text[number++] = "Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?"
random_text[number++] = "How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue."
random_text[number++] = "Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... Packer@DunderMifflin.com... Packaging'@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh."
random_text[number++] = "Boring. Call me if she rolls over."
random_text[number++] = "It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.'"
random_text[number++] = "I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah."
random_text[number++] = "I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that."
random_text[number++] = "Did you try the petting zoo?"
random_text[number++] = "Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat."
random_text[number++] = "So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?"
random_text[number++] = "And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well."
random_text[number++] = "Jan, you... complete... me."
random_text[number++] = "What am I going to do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art."
random_text[number++] = "I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks."
random_text[number++] = "You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive."
random_text[number++] = "If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?"
random_text[number++] = "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
random_text[number++] = "May your hats fly as high as your dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on."
random_text[number++] = "Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made."
random_text[number++] = "Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!"
random_text[number++] = "The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... Oh well."
random_text[number++] = "There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel."
random_text[number++] = "If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania."
random_text[number++] = "Or... a Whatchamacallit. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand. Satisfied?"
random_text[number++] = "The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies."
random_text[number++] = "But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."
random_text[number++] = "You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning."
random_text[number++] = "Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease."
random_text[number++] = "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
random_text[number++] = "It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them."
random_text[number++] = "Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art."
random_text[number++] = "Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
random_text[number++] = "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"
random_text[number++] = "I am upset. Don't I sound upset?"
random_text[number++] = "Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime."
random_text[number++] = "Midnight, Oscar!'"
random_text[number++] = "This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-"
random_text[number++] = "I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing."
random_text[number++] = "I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!"
random_text[number++] = "That's what happened to O.J."
random_text[number++] = "I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man."
random_text[number++] = "I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies."
random_text[number++] = "Beer me!"
random_text[number++] = "I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time."
random_text[number++] = "Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet."
random_text[number++] = "Lord, beer me strength."
random_text[number++] = "Those are the money beets."
random_text[number++] = "Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really."
random_text[number++] = "Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony."
random_text[number++] = "May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling."
random_text[number++] = "Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right."
random_text[number++] = "I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline!"
random_text[number++] = "By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team."
random_text[number++] = "If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me."
random_text[number++] = "If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."
random_text[number++] = "I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?"
random_text[number++] = "MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic..."
random_text[number++] = "And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage."
random_text[number++] = "Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key..."
random_text[number++] = "Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm."
random_text[number++] = "Another worm? Like, are they friends?"
random_text[number++] = "Let me smell. ... Good, not great."
random_text[number++] = "So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy."
random_text[number++] = "Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend."
random_text[number++] = "It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces."
random_text[number++] = "Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star."
random_text[number++] = "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No? Then you are an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management."
random_text[number++] = "I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station."
random_text[number++] = "Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?"
random_text[number++] = "I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party."
random_text[number++] = "I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling."
random_text[number++] = "Don't break up you guys, you're great together."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation."
random_text[number++] = "I think I just got flashed."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I'll call the real police."
random_text[number++] = "The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?"
random_text[number++] = "If that's flashing, then lock me up."
random_text[number++] = "Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul."
random_text[number++] = "Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. ... ... I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."
random_text[number++] = "And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me."
random_text[number++] = "For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. "
random_text[number++] = "Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free."
random_text[number++] = "There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. "
random_text[number++] = "And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take."
random_text[number++] = "Phallus?"
random_text[number++] = "Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things."
random_text[number++] = "Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen."
random_text[number++] = "If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?"
random_text[number++] = "Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women."
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited."
random_text[number++] = "Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny."
random_text[number++] = "No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist."
random_text[number++] = "Michael. When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian."
random_text[number++] = "My car, my rules."
random_text[number++] = "I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it."
random_text[number++] = "Many women are competent drivers."
random_text[number++] = "This is what we know'."
random_text[number++] = "I figured. It's cool. I don't <20> I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway."
random_text[number++] = "What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese."
random_text[number++] = "Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome."
random_text[number++] = "I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls."
random_text[number++] = "Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex."
random_text[number++] = "And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it."
random_text[number++] = "You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan?"
random_text[number++] = "Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested."
random_text[number++] = "She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles."
random_text[number++] = "But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked."
random_text[number++] = "I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly."
random_text[number++] = "You know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear."
random_text[number++] = "Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?"
random_text[number++] = "Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute."
random_text[number++] = "Not it. I don't have eggs."
random_text[number++] = "About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?"
random_text[number++] = "It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes... you just gots to get your freak on."
random_text[number++] = "May God guide you in your quest."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt. Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse."
random_text[number++] = "Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, you can't swim in leather pants. I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally."
random_text[number++] = "I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head."
random_text[number++] = "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
random_text[number++] = "If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I hope there will be management parables."
random_text[number++] = "Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know?"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "No, the blue team."
random_text[number++] = "Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him."
random_text[number++] = "There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon."
random_text[number++] = "I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!"
random_text[number++] = "There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking."
random_text[number++] = "Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily."
random_text[number++] = "The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world."
random_text[number++] = "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!"
random_text[number++] = "Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!"
random_text[number++] = "Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team."
random_text[number++] = "If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day."
random_text[number++] = "I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!"
random_text[number++] = "At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units."
random_text[number++] = "How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital."
random_text[number++] = "Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends."
random_text[number++] = "What's different about you? You look worse."
random_text[number++] = "What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut."
random_text[number++] = "Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless."
random_text[number++] = "Pam is... kind of a bitch."
random_text[number++] = "Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... Moon each other."
random_text[number++] = "Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said."
random_text[number++] = "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out."
random_text[number++] = "I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time."
random_text[number++] = "My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem."
random_text[number++] = "Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time."
random_text[number++] = "I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front."
random_text[number++] = "I am gonna be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never."
random_text[number++] = "No. And the sheets are made of fire."
random_text[number++] = "Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town."
random_text[number++] = "You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!"
random_text[number++] = "Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?"
random_text[number++] = "I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers."
random_text[number++] = "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots."
random_text[number++] = "I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement."
random_text[number++] = "That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent."
random_text[number++] = "Cause I am what I am. ... That's Popeye."
random_text[number++] = "I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?"
random_text[number++] = "I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous."
random_text[number++] = "Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger."
random_text[number++] = "That is Beardy."
random_text[number++] = "Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means."
random_text[number++] = "I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'"
random_text[number++] = "So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?"
random_text[number++] = "There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.'"
random_text[number++] = "In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again."
random_text[number++] = "What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?"
random_text[number++] = "The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns."
random_text[number++] = "Is it because of these?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey! You're<i/> unstable!"
random_text[number++] = "David, I did not tell her."
random_text[number++] = "I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. It could work. This could work, really!"
random_text[number++] = "Why is my office black?"
random_text[number++] = "So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere."
random_text[number++] = "This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones."
random_text[number++] = "But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay."
random_text[number++] = "Pam. Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?"
random_text[number++] = "All right. Then... it's a date."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry, what was the question?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage."
random_text[number++] = "No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then?"
random_text[number++] = "We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat."
random_text[number++] = "We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end."
random_text[number++] = "I stole it!"
random_text[number++] = "If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor."
random_text[number++] = "If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!"
random_text[number++] = "Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid."
random_text[number++] = "Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela."
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<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
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<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
</div>
</aside>
</div>
<main id="main" class="col-md-6 site-main" role="main">
<article id="post-57" class="post-57 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-uncategorized">
<header class="entry-header">
<h1 class="entry-title">Season 1 &#8211; Episode 04 &#8220;The Alliance&#8221;</h1>
<div class="entry-meta">
</div><!-- .entry-meta -->
</header><!-- .entry-header -->
<div class="entry-content">
<p> Written by Michael Schur<br /> Directed by Bryan Gordon<br /> Transcribed by Andy<br /> <!-- proofed and quoted --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Michael!?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh! God. Dwight, come on&#8230;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> There&#8217;s no downsizing.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I, but if there were, I&#8217;d be protected as assistant regional manager?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Yeah, so I don&#8217;t have to worry?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn&#8217;t guarantee it if there&#8217;s downsizing, okay?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> But there&#8217;s no downsizing, so just don&#8217;t&#8230;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> It looks like there&#8217;s gonna be downsizing. And it&#8217;s part of my job, but&#8230; blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, &#8220;You&#8217;re fired.&#8221; [as Donald Trump] &#8220;You&#8217;re foir-ed. Uh, you&#8217;re foir-ed.&#8221; It just makes people sad, and an office can&#8217;t function that way. No way. [as Donald Trump] &#8220;You&#8217;re foir-ed.&#8221; I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, &#8220;You&#8217;re hired, and you can work here as long as you want.&#8221; But that&#8217;s unrealistic, so&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> It&#8217;s a real shame, &#8217;cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> Why&#8217;d you do this?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I didn&#8217;t do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for&#8230; maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What&#8217;s the scuttlebutt? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam&#8230; Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is&#8230; drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Who is it? Who&#8217;s the birthday?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Um&#8230; Actually, we don&#8217;t have any staff birthdays coming up.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Next person on the&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> &#8230;calendar.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay, umm&#8230; that would be Meredith.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> But it&#8217;s not until next month.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Um&#8230; uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it&#8217;ll be a surprise.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> You still want to have a party?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [grabs cell phone off desk] Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Phyllis:</b> Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could&#8230; it&#8217;s stupid, forget it.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> What?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that&#8217;s dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No, yeah, I think that&#8217;s a good idea.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Yeah?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> What color do you guys think?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Well, there&#8217;s green, um, blue&#8230; yellow&#8230; red&#8230; <br /> <b>Pam:</b> How about green?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I think green is kind of whoreish. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn&#8217;t like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn&#8217;t smack her. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing &#8217;80s party last year. Off the hook!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> So I was thinking, if you haven&#8217;t already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Meredith&#8217;s allergic to dairy, so&#8230; <br /> <b>Michael:</b> She&#8217;s not the only one that&#8217;s going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It&#8217;s not, uh, it&#8217;s not just about her, so&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> It is&#8230; her birthday.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Mint chocolate chip! That&#8217;d be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. &#8216;Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Absolutely, I do.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who&#8217;s vulnerable and who&#8217;s protected&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Did you get your tickets?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> To what?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> The gun show. [Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his bicep] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says &#8220;No, Jim, here&#8217;s a way.&#8221; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> There&#8217;s one other thing and this is important. Let&#8217;s keep this alliance totally a secret. Don&#8217;t tell anyone. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> An alliance?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh yeah.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> What does that even mean?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I&#8217;m not sure.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the&#8230; paper products? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Did you tell Pam about the alliance?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What? No.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Just now.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I&#8217;m using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Right, that&#8217;s good, good, pursue this.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Well I&#8217;m trying to. Do you see what I&#8217;m doing?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Mmm hmm.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> But listen, I&#8217;m going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Done.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> All right. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [to the camera] Can you get her? She&#8217;s right there. [camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk] That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this&#8230; is Meredith&#8217;s card. Happy Bird-Day. [laughs] Um, let&#8217;s see. Jim, Jim wrote, &#8220;Meredith, I heard you&#8217;re turning 46, but, come on, you&#8217;re an accountant. Just fudge the numbers.&#8221; Not bad, pretty funny, I don&#8217;t appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here&#8217;s the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I&#8217;ve already set the bar really high. And they&#8217;re all worried about their jobs, you know. It&#8217;s kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, &#8220;Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You&#8217;re great. Love, Michael.&#8221; [pretends to vomit and laughs] </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> They seem awfully chummy, don&#8217;t you think?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, what do you think that&#8217;s about?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Only one way to find out.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I&#8217;m on it. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> You are not going to believe this.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> What? I believe it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I could tell, from the body language. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Italian.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone&#8230;<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Toby and Kevin, they&#8217;re trying to get Angela kicked off.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Good, let &#8217;em. It helps our cause.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Well, I don&#8217;t know, if Kevin&#8217;s in accounting, and Toby&#8217;s in Human Resources and they&#8217;re talking&#8230;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh, they&#8217;re forming an alliance </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Toby:</b> I love their sandwiches.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I love their sandwiches too.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Their bread&#8217;s really good.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Their bread is very good. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Damn it. God!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> God&#8230; Damn it! Why us?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Because we&#8217;re strong, Dwight. Because we&#8217;re strong. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [staring at birthday card] Meredith, Meredith&#8230; Meri&#8230; Mary had a little lamb. Mary&#8230; Meredith had a little lamb. Don&#8217;t bring that lamb to work or it&#8217;ll poop on the floor.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What&#8217;s up?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Uh, I&#8217;m sorry to bother you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, not at all. Come on in. What&#8217;s going on?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you&#8217;d like to&#8230; you know&#8230; if&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Donate to the charity?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Thank you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, I&#8217;m always good&#8230; for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you&#8230; $25.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> That&#8217;s&#8230; that&#8217;s&#8230; that&#8217;s very generous.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, my gosh, well&#8230; Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into&#8230; morale. That&#8217;s what I say, so&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [whispering] Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Sure, what&#8217;s up?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Um, I don&#8217;t know, I&#8217;m just like, I&#8217;m going a little crazy &#8217;cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh no?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah, he&#8217;s making me take notes on these meetings and I&#8217;m, like, &#8220;These people are my friends.&#8221; But he&#8217;s all like, &#8220;This is confidential. You can&#8217;t tell anybody.&#8221; But I just feel like I want to&#8230; aaah. Just promise me you&#8217;re not gonna say anything.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No, will not, I&#8217;m not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> OK, yeah.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Jackpot. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [looking at birthday card] Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Hey, you wanted to see me?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I don&#8217;t think she&#8217;d be missed.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> There&#8217;s not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> She had a hysterectomy.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [laughs] Which one is that again?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> That&#8217;s where they remove the uterus.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh God! Dwight, no. I&#8217;m trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> It could be kind of funny.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just&#8230; OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I&#8217;ll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> OK, here&#8217;s the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith&#8217;s birthday.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh my God, we have to be there.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I know, but it&#8217;s gonna be a little tough because there&#8217;s no good place to hide there.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What? What?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I know. I know exactly what to do.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [gives Dwight a high five] Great. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> I&#8217;m a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are&#8230; at vision. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Good. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Ryan:</b> Michael? Are you done yet?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let&#8217;s go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Wait, this isn&#8217;t gonna work. The lid&#8217;s open.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> So tape it down.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I can&#8217;t do that. You won&#8217;t be able to breathe.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I&#8217;ll poke holes in the box.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Thank you, thank you. OK. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Everybody:</b> Surprise!<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Oh! Surprise.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No, it&#8217;s ah&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It&#8217;s surprise Meredith. One, two&#8230;<br /> <b>Everybody:</b> [tunelessly] Happy birthday to you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Find a key.<br /> <b>Everybody:</b> Happy birthday&#8230; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don&#8217;t notice we&#8217;re both gone.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Right&#8230; That&#8217;s good. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Can I trust Jim? I don&#8217;t know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don&#8217;t. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Everybody:</b> [singing] &#8230; birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> And many more! </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> Last year, five years ago&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You were surprised, weren&#8217;t you?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Yes.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You looked freaked, man. We said &#8220;Surprise.&#8221; You were, like, &#8220;What?&#8221; &#8220;What the hell&#8217;s goin&#8217; on here?&#8221; Good cake. Why don&#8217;t you have some?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Uh, I can&#8217;t. Um&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Come on. A little bit.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> I can&#8217;t eat dairy.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, right. God, too bad. It&#8217;s so good.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Yeah, it makes me sick.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I&#8217;d kill myself. &#8216;Cause this is way, way too good. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> He&#8217;s in a box?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Pam, he&#8217;s in a box. He&#8217;s downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I&#8217;m serious. Go down there and work your magic. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [on her cell phone] Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don&#8217;t know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that&#8230;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [box falls over] Oh. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar&#8217;s charity. What was it? 25 bucks?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, you know, money isn&#8217;t everything Jim. It&#8217;s not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you&#8217;ll give more than three dollars next time.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It&#8217;s gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So&#8230; God, I can&#8217;t even calculate what you&#8217;re gonna have to give.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Is Oscar around? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
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<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know&#8230; 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn&#8217;t think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so&#8230;<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Well, that&#8217;s what a walk-a-thon is.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I know&#8230;<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, &#8220;However many dollars per mile.&#8221;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um&#8230;<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> I just think it&#8217;s kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no, no, no, no. That wasn&#8217;t what I wasn&#8217;t, that wasn&#8217;t&#8230; No. It-it-it&#8217;s not about the money. It&#8217;s just&#8230; it&#8230; it&#8217;s the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How&#8217;s your nephew? Is he in good shape?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> How many miles did he do last year?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Last year, he walked 18 miles.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Son of a bitch. That is impressive. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Happy Birthday. [gives Meredith her card]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> &#8220;Happy Bird-day&#8221; Um&#8230; &#8220;Meredith, good news. You&#8217;re not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still.&#8221;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [under his breath] I don&#8217;t know about that.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> That was Stanley. &#8220;Meredith, happy birthday, you&#8217;re the best. Love, Pam.&#8221;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [pretends to vomit] Huh! Thanks, downer.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> This is from Michael. &#8220;Meredith, let&#8217;s hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.&#8221;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you&#8217;re gettin&#8217; old.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> No, I&#8230; I get it. It&#8217;s funny.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [laughs] You didn&#8217;t get the joke. So, that&#8217;s cool. That&#8217;s, you know what? Actually&#8230; I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn&#8217;t use. Um&#8230; Oh, where&#8217;s that? Oh, OK, here&#8217;s a good one. Um&#8230; &#8220;Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.&#8221; &#8216;Cause Meredith&#8217;s been divorced like, twice. Is that right?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> You&#8217;re right. You&#8217;re right. Yes.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Divorce. Um&#8230; OK, &#8220;Meredith is so old&#8230;&#8221;<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> How old is she?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Everybody? If&#8230; could do it? &#8220;Meredith is so old&#8230;&#8221;<br /> <b>Everybody:</b> How old is she?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> &#8220;She&#8217;s so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.&#8221;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That wasn&#8217;t even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don&#8217;t get mad at me.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Uh, nice party Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> This isn&#8217;t my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Phyllis wanted red, I didn&#8217;t.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Oh, boy&#8230; You&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> OK, we&#8230; all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we&#8217;re losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are&#8230; a group of people&#8230; who work together. I was&#8230; I really wasn&#8217;t gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar&#8217;s nephew&#8217;s&#8230; walkathon. $25.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Per mile.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Per mile, yes. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> When I retire, I&#8230; don&#8217;t want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> A check for the kids, and for the team. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> I want it to be like&#8230; &#8220;Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?&#8221; &#8220;Um, well, I don&#8217;t, I don&#8217;t know. It was anonymous.&#8221; &#8220;Well, guess what, [whispering] that was Michael Scott.&#8221; &#8220;But it was anonymous, how do you know?&#8221; &#8220;Because I&#8217;m him.&#8221; </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> Thank you, Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Come here. [hugs Oscar and In a low voice] Don&#8217;t cash that till Friday, OK? </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Toby:</b> Really? Today?<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Oh, Happy Birthday.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Thanks.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Yeah, I could say something.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> No, don&#8217;t. Don&#8217;t do that. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, tell me, tell me.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and&#8230; [Pam starts laughing]&#8230; spy on our other branch. No no no.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [laughing] That&#8217;s perfect!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> If we can get him to drive to Connecticut&#8230; and put peroxide in his hair&#8230;<br /> <b>Roy:</b> [yelling] What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No, no, dude, no.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hey, Hey!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Come on.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> God, I don&#8217;t even, I don&#8217;t even know how to explain this. Uh, um&#8230; Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um&#8230; um&#8230; we were&#8230; we&#8217;ve just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> It&#8217;s just office pranks.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> It&#8217;s stupid. It&#8217;s, it&#8217;s just office pranks.<br /> <b>Roy:</b> [looking at Dwight] An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I have absolutely no idea.<br /> <b>Roy:</b> Come on. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That&#8217;s the game. Convince him we&#8217;re in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [With blonde hair] That&#8217;s politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson. </div>
<p> <!-- end quote --> <font size="8">Deleted Scenes</font> </p>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 1</u></b> <b>Dwight:</b> Good, excellent, and file sharing off and done. Security software, 128-bit encryption, firewalls. Get up, I&#8217;ll install it on your computer.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No thanks.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Pssh, stupid. Identity theft happens all the time. I can become you like that. [snaps fingers] But no one can become me.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No one wants to be you, Dwight.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Not true. And if they did, they couldn&#8217;t because I&#8217;m password protected.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Is your password Frodo?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No. [typing on keyboard]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Did you just change it to Gollum?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No. [typing on keyboard] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 2</u></b> <b>Pam:</b> [telephone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold please.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> All righty then, well I see you&#8217;re going for the whole bored supermodel thing. &#8220;Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. May I help you?&#8221; [takes a drag from an imaginary cigarette] Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I wasn&#8217;t really going for anything.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, &#8220;Oh, oh-hum.&#8221; A beautiful sunset, &#8220;No, I&#8217;ll catch the next one.&#8221; Right? Unicorn walks into the office, &#8220;Oh, do you have an appointment?&#8221; [laughs] Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you&#8217;re doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you&#8217;re not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Are you being serious?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, I am, absolutely. So, the next call we get I&#8217;d like you to smile. I&#8217;d like to see a big smile.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. [waits for call]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No one&#8217;s calling.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I know, somebody will. And we&#8217;ll wait.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Sometimes there&#8217;s a lot of time between the calls.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I know, I know, we will wait.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> We will wait for the call and you will smile. Let me try something, just while we&#8217;re waiting.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Tell me if I&#8217;m smiling or not. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you? Was I smiling?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yes.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, let me try this one. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I mean you can tell.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah, I could tell.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I wasn&#8217;t smiling that time and they can tell too.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> That was a good example.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Thank you. All right, when we get a call I&#8217;ll come back and you&#8217;ll do the smile.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay. [telephone rings]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Show time! It&#8217;s show time!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [smiling] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. One moment I&#8217;ll transfer you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 3</u></b> <b>Dwight:</b> [throwing away a banana, mayonnaise, and a sandwich from the refrigerator, smells the mayonnaise] God. [drinks from the milk carton and puts it back] Mmm.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [looks in the refrigerator] Hey Dwight, my tuna sandwich isn&#8217;t in the refrigerator. You wouldn&#8217;t know anything about that would you?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> It was rotting.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> It was not rotting.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Any employee may dispose a food item&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Stop. Dwight, stop.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> &#8230;that risks contaminating the other food item. Read the official kitchen regulations memo.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Dwight, you wrote that memo. Okay, it&#8217;s not an official memo.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Uh, uh, not my problem. Okay, this is a paper factory not a bacteria factory.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Dwight, it&#8217;s not a factory at all. Do you have to do what you are doing? [Dwight is tapping each of the bobble heads on his desk and making them bobble]<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Uh, if they don&#8217;t bobble, what&#8217;s the point? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 4</u></b> <b>Angela:</b> What is this?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> My nephew does it every year. Anything you could give would be fantastic.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Okay, but I don&#8217;t want to be put on a mailing list. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 5</u></b> <b>Jim:</b> We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> God&#8230; Damn it! Why us?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Because we&#8217;re strong, Dwight. Because we&#8217;re strong. God, it&#8217;s freezing, I gotta go in. You stay though for like five minutes.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [talking over Jim] Okay.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You don&#8217;t want to arouse suspicion.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I&#8217;ll stay for ten.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Good. I like it. You know what. Pretend to smoke. [Dwight pretends to smoke] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 6</u></b> <b>Michael:</b> Do a poem for Meredith&#8217;s birthday or uh, limerick. Limerick. Um, [knock on door] there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Come on in. Who had a big, smifflin.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Hi, do you mind if I sign the card real quick?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, not at all come on in. [Toby signing the birthday card] No, no. You can&#8217;t. No, red hair is my area. We have it on tape, so&#8230;<br /> <b>Toby:</b> It&#8217;s just a birthday card.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I was going to put that in my message, Toby. All right? So just cross it off. Cross it off, now. [Toby writes on birthday card] What are you doing? Oh come on, you&#8217;re ruining it. Toby, come on. Just, look at that. That&#8217;s wrecked. Ass. Get some white out. <br /> <b>Toby:</b> There&#8217;s some right there.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s my white out. Get your own white out. Just&#8230; what&#8217;s the matter with you? God. [Toby leaves] Okay, um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Who had a big, puttifflin. [thinking out loud] Mifflin, spifflin. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 7</u></b> <b>Jim:</b> Uh, by the way. Have you heard Dwight say the word immunity, yet? Because if I can get Dwight to say the word immunity, it might be the greatest day of my life. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You wanted to see me?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Uh, yeah. What do you know about Meredith?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I don&#8217;t think she&#8217;d be missed.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> There&#8217;s not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> She had a hysterectomy.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Which one is that again?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> That&#8217;s where they remove the uterus.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh God! Dwight, no. I&#8217;m trying to write something funny here, okay. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> It could be kind of funny.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [sighs] Come up with a joke that I can use, okay?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Mmm-hmm.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Help me out here.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay. Hey Meredith, where&#8217;s your uterus?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, not a uterus joke Dwight. Please. Something useable. A joke.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> If I find a joke for you, will you grant me immunity? [cut to Jim holding his hands up like a champion]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> From the downsizing.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> There&#8217;s not going to be downsizing, Dwight. You know what, I am on a deadline here and just, okay. Thanks. Thanks for your help. I&#8217;m&#8230; I&#8217;ll work it out. Thank you Dwight. [Dwight leaves] Thanks for coming in, that&#8217;s always&#8230; Always helpful when I give him a call. Call him in. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 8</u></b> <b>Michael:</b> Meredith. Oh, oh man, ah gosh. I can&#8217;t remember why I came over here. Ha, ha.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> I hate that.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I know. Ugh, that is so annoying. [makes fart noise] Brain fart. By the way, do you remember any funny interactions we may have had recently that I&#8217;ve forgotten about? Just, you know we bumped into each and you said, &#8220;Brr, brr.&#8221; And I went, &#8220;Argh, Argh.&#8221; You know? Anything? [shakes her head &#8216;no&#8217;] Well, if you think of something, let me know. &#8216;Cause I like to know. &#8216;Cause I&#8217;m going crazy. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 9</u></b> <b>Michael:</b> Oscar, uh for future reference just think you should know, that you should probably make it clear that your nephew is doing the walkathon and that he doesn&#8217;t actually have cerebral palsy. Okay.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> I never suggested&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no. I know you didn&#8217;t intend to, but I just I got the idea and I, uh, I just don&#8217;t it has a lot of ethical merit to make people think something. You know? And then prey on their emotions.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Michael, if I gave you&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, hey it&#8217;s just kinda uncool, okay? I, just&#8230; Play fair, you know, play fair. <br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Thank you. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Thank you.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Okay. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 10</u></b> <b>Meredith:</b> &#8220;Meredith, let&#8217;s hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.&#8221;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you&#8217;re gettin&#8217; old.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> No, I&#8230;I get it. It&#8217;s funny.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [laughs] You didn&#8217;t get the joke. So, that&#8217;s cool. That&#8217;s, you know what? Actually&#8230; I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn&#8217;t use. Um&#8230; Oh, where&#8217;s that? Oh, Okay, here&#8217;s a good one. Um&#8230;&#8221;Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.&#8221; &#8216;Cause Meredith&#8217;s been divorced like, twice. Is that right?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> You&#8217;re right. You&#8217;re right. Yes.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Divorce. Um&#8230; Okay, &#8220;Meredith is so old&#8230;&#8221;<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> How old is she?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> If everybody&#8230; could do it? &#8220;Meredith is so old&#8230;&#8221;<br /> <b>Everybody:</b> How old is she?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> &#8220;She&#8217;s so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.&#8221;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [clears throat] What&#8217;s the difference between Meredith and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson&#8217;s surgery was unnecessary.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> You&#8217;re talking about my hysterectomy.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes! Thank you. God. She gets it. [laughs] We just picked the best one right? Just had it.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [whispering] I&#8217;m so sorry. [Angela, Phyllis, and Pam all whispering] &#8230; seriously, we&#8217;re just&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Um, no, no. Come on. No. Don&#8217;t comfort&#8230; don&#8217;t comfort her, that&#8217;s not&#8230; She doesn&#8217;t need comforting. We&#8217;re just joking around. I think she&#8217;s&#8230; No that&#8217;s very unprofessional. I think she&#8217;s being very unprofessional over there. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b><u>Deleted Scene 11</u></b> <b>Dwight:</b> I&#8217;m only going to ask you this once. Are you part of an alliance?<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> What?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Well played. </div>
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<aside id="text-7" class="widget widget_text"> <div class="textwidget"><p><u><b>Main</b></u></p>
<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
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<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
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<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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</div>
<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
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