the-office/server/data/raw/4-02.txt

Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: I gotcha one. [Pam hands over a grape soda to Jim]
Jim: Oh wow, thank you.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: I’m just gonna grab some chips, you want some?
Pam: No. Thanks… uh we’re still having lunch today, right?
Jim: I guess. [Pam smiles and walks away, then comes back and kisses Jim on the cheek] How dare you.
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Michael: Hey Toby. What’s this? [holds up memo Toby has passed out to the staff]
Toby: Ohh.
Michael: [reads memo] I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection.
Toby: Yes, uh some people in the office have complained…
Michael: Oh really.
Toby: …about some other people engaging in PDA and, you know [Michael leans in closer to Toby] I just wanted to remind it’s not appropriate to, to do that.
Michael: Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don’t think. I don’t think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and, and most people had left by that point. So I don’t think it’s any of your business. What I think you should do is roll up the memo, real tight…
Toby: Ok, look the memo is not about you…
Angela: [to everyone in the room] For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work, in any capacity.
Toby: Alright everyone, look, it, alright my complaint was about Jim and Pam. So…
Michael: [turns to address Jim and Pam] No way.
Dwight: What?
Phyllis: You guys are together?
Jim: Ummm… yup. Yes, we are.
Michael: Woooah! Wow!
Andy: Tuna!
Michael: Awesome!
Kevin: I knew it!
Michael: You guys! Yes! Yes!
Pam: Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us?
Toby: Yes.
Michael: Oh kay, mind is exploding. Get over here. [gestures to Pam to get up] Come on. Come here. Okay, okay, [to Jim] stand up. [Jim moves over in chair] OK, here we go. [holding both Pam and Jim’s hand] Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today, is the day that Jim and Pam become one.
Jim: Actually, we’ve been dating for a couple months.
Michael: I love you guys, so much. [hugs Jim]
Jim: Ohh.. [Michael goes to hug Pam, phone rings]
Pam: Phone’s ringing. [goes back toward desk]
Michael: No, no, no Pam let ’em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is [starts to well up] really good, this is really good. My heart soars with the eagles nest.
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Dwight: I don’t see it. I think they both could do better.
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Angela: It’s not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress.
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Andy: Jim Halpert’s off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office?
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Michael: Hey. Can you make that straighter? That’s what she said.
Phyllis: Did you plan it?
Michael: No. [tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it]
Pam: [reading from paper] Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally?
Michael: Blowing up balloons I thought.
Pam: You might want to trim it a little.
Phyllis: Michael… [Kelly enters conference room in a flirty red dress]
Kelly: [reading sign] Oh, is… Ryan coming back today?
Pam: Yeah, he is.
Kelly: Oh.
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Michael: Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.
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Angela: What do you want?
Dwight: To give you this [reveals a cat from under a coat].
Angela: Oh, what is that?
Dwight: It’s a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I’m giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.
Angela: Her name was Sprinkles.
Dwight: And his name is… Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage. [shakes cat] Don’t you Garbage? [makes chomping noises]
Angela: I can’t believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles. Before she’s even in the ground.
Dwight: You haven’t buried her yet?
Angela: Don’t rush me. I’m grieving.
Dwight: Garbage can be very helpful. OK, he’s a youthful cat. He killed an entire family of raccoons. [holds cat towards Angela] Look at him.
Angela: I don’t want Garbage! I want Sprinkles! [walks away]
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Pam: Hey Toby.
Toby: Hey… [sees both Jim and Pam] you two.
Jim: Hey. So now that we are dating, uh, we just wanted to know if we had to sign one of those ‘we’re dating’ things for the company.
Toby: Oh well, you know, those were only for, you know [makes quotes with fingers] relationships, so… if, if this is just a casual thing, there’s no need, really.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: Well, I don’t wanna speak for Jim, but, it’s like pretty official. [Jim smiles]
Toby: Uh huh.
Jim: Sorry, uh do we need to sign one, or…?
Toby: Let’s just wait and see what happens. [whispers] You know?
Jim: What?
Toby: Let’s just wait.
Jim: Oh, OK.
Pam: OK.
Jim: Great. [Jim and Pam walk away]
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Pam: [sees Ryan coming through door] Hey Ryan. Welcome back —
Ryan: Hold on one second. [Ryan types on Blackberry for a few seconds] Hey Pam! It’s great to see you. Is Michael in?
Michael: Hey!
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: There he is! There he is! He’s back! And he’s with a beard. [laughing] He… He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sunny Crockett. I’m Tubs.
Ryan: OK. Should we get started?
Michael: Ohh, yeah, let’s get started because uh, yes, cause uh this is very serious business and umm..
Ryan: Yep, exactly. This is a business meeting.
Michael: …business meeting —
Kevin: [rubbing hands in Ryan’s hair] Fire!
Ryan: Stop that! Stop that!
Michael: That’s right! That’s right!
Ryan: [to Kevin] You scared me.
Michael: Fire guy. Don’t start any fires, Ryan.
Andy: Fire guy [makes flames with his hands]
Kevin: You weren’t here for that.
Andy: Here for what?
Kevin: When he started the fire.
Michael: Look how big he is. Look at you, you are so mature and old and little man now. You’re like our little man…
Kevin: Little old man boy.
Ryan: Michael and everybody, umm…
Michael: Beard.
Kevin: Bearded man boy.
Ryan: …let me just say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I’d like your respect. I am your boss now. You’re gonna have to treat me that same way you treated Jan.
Michael: Oh, wow!
Ryan: So…
Michael: That’s a little kinky. I don’t swing that way.
Ryan: OK…
Michael: Woooo![laughs] I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.
Ryan: Enough! OK? This is inappropriate  and it stops right now. Do you understand?
Michael: Yes, everybody, come on. Settle town. Let’s get serious here. Um Ryan, has a very special, important presentation to do, which we will be doing in the conference room in [looks at Ryan] 10 minutes?
Ryan: Perfect.
Michael: Sounds good. OK, alright.
-
Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, “Dude, we’re friends. I’m doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we’ll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you.” His words.
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Ryan: Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor to ceiling streamlining of our business model. The center piece of the campaign is a new business-to-business website interface that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains.
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Jim: Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I’m not really sure what’s wrong with it. [Jim at his desk, showing the Dunder Mifflin website reading “Under Construction. Coming Christmas 2002!”]
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Ryan: This is a massive overhaul. We’re getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the market place. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use.
Michael: OOhh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Ryan: I’ll stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions? Dwight?
Dwight: What if we don’t want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?
Ryan: This is company-wide, Dwight.
Dwight: Got it. [Andy’s hand goes up]
Ryan: Andy.
Andy: We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together?
Ryan: Any other questions? [Kelly’s hand goes up] Kelly Kapoor.
Kelly: Can we speak privately about our relationship?
Ryan: Thank you everybody.
Michael: Ryan Howard everybody. [starts clapping] Good job. [everyone gets up to leave]
Creed: That’s some fun stuff. When does the website go up?
Ryan: As fast as possible. We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P., so we can hit the ground running with a new system.
Creed: Cool beans.
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Creed: We’re screwed.
Michael: Who is?
Creed: Us? You and me. The old timers.
Michael: I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred.
Creed: You’re over 40, that’s the cut off. Are you listening to what he’s saying? Re-training. New system. Youth. I’m telling you this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we’re goners.
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Jim: Swore I wouldn’t tell anyone this, but in the interest of revealing secrets. Oh my God, this will make your brain explode. Umm, Dwight and Angela dating. Have been for six months.
Pam: No.. [in awe]
Jim: Swear to God. [Pam shakes her head]. Aww this is great. I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday, but this is much more fun.
Pam: No, they have been dating for like two years. [Jim in shock] Since before your barbeque.
Jim: Wait. What? [Pam nods her head] You knew? And you didn’t say anything?
Pam: You didn’t say anything to me?
Jim: Fair enough. Wow! We should have started dating like a long time ago.
Pam: Can you believe that…
Phyllis: Sorry, I didn’t know you guys were in here.
Jim: Oh no, we’re just sitting here.
Phyllis: I couldn’t see your hands. [Jim shakes his hands] Hey Pam, by the way, it’s great that you’re dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can’t base who gets new clients on who you’re sleeping with that week, OK?
Pam: OK.
Phyllis: OK.
Jim: OK.
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Jim: And… that is why we waited so long to tell people.
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Ryan: OK, what’s up?
Michael: Yeah, kay. I was just… After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual?
Ryan: Well it is business, but not as usual.
Michael: Yeah, I know I understand… we’re making great strides and we’re updating, but business as usual, no?
Ryan: No. [shaking head] We’re throwing out the entire playbook, we’re starting from scratch, we’re implementing a brand new system.
Michael: Good, so, we’re on the same page?
Ryan: No. We’re not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself.
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Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that’s who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans.
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Ryan: So, how are you?
Kelly: Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys.
Ryan: Good.
Kelly: A lot. Black guys mostly.
Ryan: Kelly…
Kelly: What?!
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Phyllis: Wait, uh, how do you touch just one of these buttons at a time?
Stanley: I don’t know.
Phyllis: Did you even try?
Stanley: If the kid wants to set mine up, I’ll let him.
Phyllis: I can’t see half of the things. [adjusts glasses]
Stanley: It’s too little. Use the phone.
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Kelly: I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want.
Ryan: Kelly, I’m your boss now, OK? You can’t keep talking to me like I’m your boyfriend.
Kelly: Oh big strong man, fancy new whatever. I don’t think you ever cared about me.
Ryan: I never cared about you? Six months ago Karen Filipelli sent me an email. Asked me out. I said no, because I was committed to our relationship.
Kelly: Well, I hope you’re still committed because I’m pregnant.
-
Kelly: [shaking head]
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Kelly: And guess what buddy, [points at Ryan] I am keeping it.
Ryan: OK. OK.
Kelly: Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby?
Ryan: I can… I can’t talk about this right now, OK? After work, we’ll go out to dinner, we’ll talk about it then, OK?
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Kelly: We have a date!
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Dwight: Hello.
Angela: Hello, Dwight. I’ve been thinking about things and I wanted to know if you would have dinner with me tonight?
Dwight: Really?
Angela: Yes.
Dwight: I’ll make a reservation. No, no. Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side.
Angela: I would prefer a public place. See you after work.
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Jan: Hi, Pam.
Pam: Hi.
Jan: Is Michael in?
Pam: In his office. You can go right in.
Jan: [to Ryan] Hey.
Ryan: Jan.
Jan: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan, Ryan.
Ryan: So elephant in the room, I have your old job.
Jan: Well, not exactly my job… I had a different title.
Ryan: Oh well, excuse me, same office, same responsibilities.
Jan: Different salary. [laughs] You’ll get there, don’t worry.
Ryan: Well… you look great.
Jan: Thank you, thank you.
Ryan: Scranton suits you.
Jan: Best decision I ever made.
Ryan: You were let go.
Jan: You know what? I love the beard. Keep it forever. [goes into Michael’s office]
Michael: Hey.
Jan: Hey.
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Michael: [holds up Blackberry] Hey, what is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles?
Jan: What?
Michael: I don’t want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids.
Jan: So, what’s Ryan doing here?
Michael: Oh, I dunno, they’re launching a big new business plan. New website, blah blah blah. He’s being a real twerp about it, so, it’s all about youth, and agility and streamlining and trying to squeeze out the older people.
Jan: He’s such a snake.
Michael: Well…
Jan: I hope he’s gets hit with an ageism suit.
Michael: What is that… word?
Jan: Ageism? Companies they can’t discriminate against people due to old age. Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off.
Michael: So older people have just as many rights as younger people?
Jan: Yes, Michael, they do.
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Oscar: Creed?
Creed: Yes, sir.
Oscar: Everything OK? [Creed has made his hair jet black]
Creed: Everything’s cool, dude.
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Creed: I’m thirty. Well, in November I’ll be thirty.
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Ryan: Is there another meeting scheduled, I was gonna do the Blackberry tutorial in here.
Pam: Michael told us to wait in here. We don’t know why.
Ryan: [notices pictures on the wall] Ohh… man.
Michael: Good, we’re all here, we can get started.
Ryan: Michael.
Michael: Have a seat.
Ryan: We’re not doing this today.
Michael: Have a seat. Like everybody else.
Ryan: OK. This is…
Michael: Still my office, Ryan. [Ryan sits down] Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also… illegal, because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did.
Toby: Technically, he’s right.
Michael: Hey, shut up Toby. Look, why do we as a society hate old people so much?
Creed: Because they’re lame.
Michael: No, Creed, no they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. [points to her picture on the wall] Or the funny things that they can do, like “where’s the Beef?” [points to another picture on wall] [Jim raises his hand] Yeah.
Jim: Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already, when you burned your foot.
Pam: Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too.
Michael: I was going to put up some new pictures, but umm, all of the ink in the printer was gone.
Pam: Oh. [man enters conference room]
Robert Dunder: Michael Scott?
Michael: [puts hand up] That is me. Come on in. [They shake hands] Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who’s this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. Huh? [starts clapping, others join in]
Dwight: Oh, yeah. Yes!
Robert Dunder: Thank you everyone.
Ryan: Michael, [gets up] can I talk to you a second?
Michael: Sure thing. [both go out of conference room] ‘Scuse me. [closes door]
-
Ryan: We have actual work to do.
Michael: Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. [they glare at each other]
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Michael: Bob, how old are you?
Robert Dunder: I’m 87.
Michael: Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin?
Robert Dunder: Well, I, I, I haven’t been to a board meeting in years. I, I send a proxy.
Michael: Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you.
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Dwight: I’m gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103, and still puttering around in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.
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Robert Dunder: I started this company in 1949.
Michael: Wow.
Robert Dunder: Back then, it was an uh, an industrial supplier of metal brackets mostly for, for construction.
Michael: Oh, boy.
Robert Dunder: And then Mifflin, of course he killed himself later… Uh, but I knew Mifflin through the Rotary Club.
Michael: Great.
Robert Dunder: And he was, he was [starts laughing] at dinner with Beverly and her husband, wha-what was his name, umm… uhh… Jerry.. Jerry Trupiano from, from South Jersey and he was tall. Both he and Mifflin were tall guys.
Michael: Great.
Robert Dunder: And…
Michael: That’s great. Thank you for coming in. [starts ushering him out] Robert Dunder everybody. [clapping] Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride?
Robert Dunder: Well I, I, I came here in a cab.
Michael: Perfect. [starts closing the door]
Robert Dunder: Well, cou, could you get me another… [Michael closes door]
Michael: Inspirational. What have we learned?  Well, we have learned that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, because it’s illegal, and you will go to jail. [Pam raises hand]
Pam: I think that I should help him get home.
Michael: No, No. Don’t help him. He doesn’t need help, Pam. [Jim nods head and Pam gets up and leaves to help Robert Dunder, Michael shows Robert thumbs up] What a nice guy.
-
Michael: Good night guys. [staff leaves the office]
Ryan: Well, today was a fantastic waste of time.
Michael: I disagree, I think it was very valuable.
Ryan: Michael, technology helps business OK? You should not resist it, this is the way the world is moving.
Michael: I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it.
Ryan: Ok. I look forward to hearing your ideas. [Michael retreats back to office] [to Kelly] Where do you wanna go?
Kelly: You know, some place romantic and expensive.
Ryan: Kelly, come on.
Kelly: You know what, you’re right. I’m feeling kind of nauseous anyway. So, you know skip it. [Ryan hesitates and takes her hand and they exit]
-
Dwight: Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles?
Angela: Very much. How’s your meat?
Dwight: Dry. Delicious.
Angela: I heard a joke today.
Dwight: Oh, that’s funny.
Angela: Yes, it was.
Dwight: Are you enjoying your mineral water?
Angela: I can’t do this. I can’t be with you. Every time I look in your eyes I see Sprinkles’ stiff lifeless body.
Dwight: Then don’t look in my eyes. Look right here [points to middle of forehead above the eyes], it’s an old sales trick.
Angela: I’m sorry. I gave this everything I could.
Dwight: No, please don’t do this, monkey.
Angela: I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning. [gets up and leaves restaurant]
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Toby: Hey guys.  This is my, uh, girlfriend, Amy.
Pam: Hi.
Jim: Hey, Amy.  How ya doing?
Pam: Nice to meet you.
Jim: [under his breath] Nice to meet you.
Toby: [gesturing to the rest of the office] This is everybody else… okay… This is the place… so thanks for the lift.
Amy: Yeah, sure. I’ll, uh, I’ll see you tonight, right?
Toby: Absolutely. [Toby kisses Amy for an extended period of time, Pam and Jim are shocked]
Amy: Whoa.  Easy tiger.
Toby: I just really like you.
Amy: Okay.  Bye guys.  Nice to meet you.
Toby: Have a great day!
Pam: Whoa, Toby.  Watch out.  You’re going to violate your own PDA memo.
Toby: I wouldn’t want to do that now would I?