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<meta property="og:description" content="Written by Mindy Kaling Directed by Rainn Wilson Original Air Date: December 9th, 2010 Transcribed by Brett Nate: Got it. [taking a group photo outside] Pam: Okay let&#8217;s go in. I&#8217;m freezing. Michael: People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We&#8217;re gonna do a fun one. Jim: One Charlie&#8217;s Angels. One. &hellip;" />
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<meta name="twitter:description" content="Written by Mindy Kaling Directed by Rainn Wilson Original Air Date: December 9th, 2010 Transcribed by Brett Nate: Got it. [taking a group photo outside] Pam: Okay let&#8217;s go in. I&#8217;m freezing. Michael: People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We&#8217;re gonna do a fun one. Jim: One Charlie&#8217;s Angels. One. &hellip;" />
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// Incremental list of all possible Text
random_text[number++] = "I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair."
random_text[number++] = "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!"
random_text[number++] = "Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you. "
random_text[number++] = "I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager. "
random_text[number++] = "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."
random_text[number++] = "Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! FALSE. I do not miss him."
random_text[number++] = "No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded."
random_text[number++] = "Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude."
random_text[number++] = "I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman."
random_text[number++] = "That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you."
random_text[number++] = "I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?"
random_text[number++] = "The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays."
random_text[number++] = "That's what she said. Or he said."
random_text[number++] = "I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?"
random_text[number++] = "No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer."
random_text[number++] = "Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ."
random_text[number++] = "You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin."
random_text[number++] = "I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third."
random_text[number++] = "They always want credit for something they supposed to do! What you want a cookie?"
random_text[number++] = "'...in this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck. He's going to lose it when he reads that."
random_text[number++] = "This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here."
random_text[number++] = "Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "Come on, Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on."
random_text[number++] = "You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended."
random_text[number++] = "That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive."
random_text[number++] = "Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."
random_text[number++] = "Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
random_text[number++] = "He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom."
random_text[number++] = "I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion."
random_text[number++] = "Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
random_text[number++] = "It's an epidemic."
random_text[number++] = "Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, hey, everybody. Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh!"
random_text[number++] = "OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?"
random_text[number++] = "See I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?"
random_text[number++] = "I think green is kind of whoreish."
random_text[number++] = "Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so..."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath."
random_text[number++] = "One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision."
random_text[number++] = "He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself."
random_text[number++] = "I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box."
random_text[number++] = "And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt."
random_text[number++] = "Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine."
random_text[number++] = "Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0."
random_text[number++] = "Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike."
random_text[number++] = "Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?"
random_text[number++] = "Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? "
random_text[number++] = "I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?"
random_text[number++] = "Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great."
random_text[number++] = "Who? Dave Barry?"
random_text[number++] = "It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk."
random_text[number++] = "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it."
random_text[number++] = "And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!"
random_text[number++] = "This says 'Bushiest Beaver.'"
random_text[number++] = "No, no. Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink!"
random_text[number++] = "And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WOOOOOOOO!"
random_text[number++] = "I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms."
random_text[number++] = "Every so often, Jim dies of boredom."
random_text[number++] = "You see Dwight's coffee mug? Sometimes when he's not here I try to throw things in it."
random_text[number++] = "You try and hurt Mozart, you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. "
random_text[number++] = "Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?'"
random_text[number++] = "We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I got a game. It's called work hard so my kids can go to college."
random_text[number++] = "I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants."
random_text[number++] = "If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton."
random_text[number++] = "There's a basic principle in real estate. That you should never be the best looking person in the development."
random_text[number++] = "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?"
random_text[number++] = "I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you."
random_text[number++] = "Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. "
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom. Gay friendly."
random_text[number++] = "No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble."
random_text[number++] = "You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?"
random_text[number++] = "I tried hopping Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to"
random_text[number++] = "Ok, see you later, Pan."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, please. I have Country Crock."
random_text[number++] = "Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!"
random_text[number++] = "Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. And he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel."
random_text[number++] = "He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works."
random_text[number++] = "I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick..."
random_text[number++] = "The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion."
random_text[number++] = "Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese."
random_text[number++] = "You can't fire me. I don't work in this van!"
random_text[number++] = "Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"
random_text[number++] = "Me so horny. Me love you long tim."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?"
random_text[number++] = "I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.'"
random_text[number++] = "Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down."
random_text[number++] = "Let's go. The men's room was disgusting."
random_text[number++] = "No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear."
random_text[number++] = "We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time."
random_text[number++] = "'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Who knows how words are formed."
random_text[number++] = "Um... Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi."
random_text[number++] = "You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!"
random_text[number++] = "I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays."
random_text[number++] = "You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence."
random_text[number++] = "And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'"
random_text[number++] = "I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow."
random_text[number++] = "But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... "
random_text[number++] = "Oomp-a-Loomp-a-Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome."
random_text[number++] = "Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doopity-doomp."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed."
random_text[number++] = "One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered."
random_text[number++] = "And when I came to, I had an epiphery."
random_text[number++] = "Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever."
random_text[number++] = "You just twist your hand until something breaks."
random_text[number++] = "Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. We will demonstrate on Pam."
random_text[number++] = "This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. ... So I am instituting prima nocta."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay."
random_text[number++] = "It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys."
random_text[number++] = "It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck."
random_text[number++] = "Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever."
random_text[number++] = "Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies."
random_text[number++] = "SHUT UP ANGELA!"
random_text[number++] = "Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats."
random_text[number++] = "Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings."
random_text[number++] = "Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'"
random_text[number++] = "Michael, Dwight would like your man meat."
random_text[number++] = "You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art."
random_text[number++] = "You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag."
random_text[number++] = "Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?"
random_text[number++] = "I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure."
random_text[number++] = "Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't."
random_text[number++] = "She's prettier than you though."
random_text[number++] = "That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin."
random_text[number++] = "Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "Not that we're all millionaires. ...I'm probably closest."
random_text[number++] = "Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really."
random_text[number++] = "Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!"
random_text[number++] = "No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair."
random_text[number++] = "Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base."
random_text[number++] = "It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five."
random_text[number++] = "Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool."
random_text[number++] = "Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?"
random_text[number++] = "When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too."
random_text[number++] = "Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is."
random_text[number++] = "And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you."
random_text[number++] = "What a pair of Mary's."
random_text[number++] = "Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes."
random_text[number++] = "You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?"
random_text[number++] = "Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time."
random_text[number++] = "Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over."
random_text[number++] = "AM or PM?"
random_text[number++] = "Three hundred and sixty four days, till the next Pretzel Day."
random_text[number++] = "'Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.'"
random_text[number++] = "New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name."
random_text[number++] = "It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes!"
random_text[number++] = "I hooked up with her on February 13th."
random_text[number++] = "Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there."
random_text[number++] = "You mean, like a ham?"
random_text[number++] = "Great Scott!"
random_text[number++] = "Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving."
random_text[number++] = "You're evil, like a hobbit."
random_text[number++] = "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
random_text[number++] = "Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went."
random_text[number++] = "I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October."
random_text[number++] = "In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing."
random_text[number++] = "Do you want us to run aground, woman?!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Let's break up."
random_text[number++] = "Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication."
random_text[number++] = "BFD. Engaged ain't married."
random_text[number++] = "Never, ever, ever give up."
random_text[number++] = "If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?"
random_text[number++] = "Kevin! That's inappropriate."
random_text[number++] = "Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both."
random_text[number++] = "I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis."
random_text[number++] = "Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
random_text[number++] = "Is your password Frodo? Did you just change it to Gollum?"
random_text[number++] = "Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So..."
random_text[number++] = "This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head."
random_text[number++] = "I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? ... I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding."
random_text[number++] = "This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right."
random_text[number++] = "Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers."
random_text[number++] = "You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job!"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword!'"
random_text[number++] = "Please don't throw garbage at me."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, there he is! Secret weapon!"
random_text[number++] = "Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those!"
random_text[number++] = "Same team, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend!"
random_text[number++] = "Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister."
random_text[number++] = "Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right?"
random_text[number++] = "And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer."
random_text[number++] = "It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom."
random_text[number++] = "I don't believe you. Continue."
random_text[number++] = "We've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day."
random_text[number++] = "Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people."
random_text[number++] = "There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays."
random_text[number++] = "Why are you the way that you are?"
random_text[number++] = "Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way."
random_text[number++] = "I hate so much about the things that you choose to be."
random_text[number++] = "Guys, the Afghanistananies."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried."
random_text[number++] = "And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Dinkin' flicka."
random_text[number++] = "You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say."
random_text[number++] = "We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?"
random_text[number++] = "Jan Levinson, I presume?"
random_text[number++] = "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson."
random_text[number++] = "Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. Honestly, I love stealing things."
random_text[number++] = "Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all!"
random_text[number++] = "Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows."
random_text[number++] = "Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. ...Did you believe me?"
random_text[number++] = "One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can."
random_text[number++] = "Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers!"
random_text[number++] = "Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator."
random_text[number++] = "I was just... I'm in love with you."
random_text[number++] = "I just needed you to know. Once."
random_text[number++] = "Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that."
random_text[number++] = "Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am."
random_text[number++] = "And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out."
random_text[number++] = "It's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry."
random_text[number++] = "I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
random_text[number++] = "What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So..."
random_text[number++] = "Because in this office, it is 'till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized."
random_text[number++] = "It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor."
random_text[number++] = "Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist."
random_text[number++] = "Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club."
random_text[number++] = "Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true."
random_text[number++] = "OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?"
random_text[number++] = "I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death."
random_text[number++] = "Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable."
random_text[number++] = "When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
random_text[number++] = "And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'."
random_text[number++] = "Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage."
random_text[number++] = "'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'"
random_text[number++] = "'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'"
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end."
random_text[number++] = "And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?"
random_text[number++] = "It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled."
random_text[number++] = "Yeppers."
random_text[number++] = "And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars."
random_text[number++] = "Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it."
random_text[number++] = "Wikipedia... is the best thing ever."
random_text[number++] = "Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius."
random_text[number++] = "I am declining to speak first."
random_text[number++] = "Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants."
random_text[number++] = "So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery."
random_text[number++] = "Make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes."
random_text[number++] = "For example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way over paid."
random_text[number++] = "So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---"
random_text[number++] = "Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go."
random_text[number++] = "What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor."
random_text[number++] = "Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "Jim--- Roy--- Look out!"
random_text[number++] = "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?"
random_text[number++] = "You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex."
random_text[number++] = "It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial."
random_text[number++] = "It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed."
random_text[number++] = "All right, Levinson. Here's the rub."
random_text[number++] = "But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "So look out Dunder Mifflin'! I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... "
random_text[number++] = "You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono."
random_text[number++] = "It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school."
random_text[number++] = "Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs."
random_text[number++] = "I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't."
random_text[number++] = "I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."
random_text[number++] = "Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour."
random_text[number++] = "Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!"
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?"
random_text[number++] = "No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid."
random_text[number++] = "It has to be official, and it has to be urine."
random_text[number++] = "I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair."
random_text[number++] = "And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay?"
random_text[number++] = "A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens."
random_text[number++] = "My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish."
random_text[number++] = "Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!"
random_text[number++] = "When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help!"
random_text[number++] = "Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it."
random_text[number++] = "Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you!"
random_text[number++] = "I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut."
random_text[number++] = "It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's your favorite song."
random_text[number++] = "You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this."
random_text[number++] = "It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal."
random_text[number++] = "Happy birth moment, Michael."
random_text[number++] = "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair."
random_text[number++] = "I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
random_text[number++] = "No cookie.'"
random_text[number++] = "Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner."
random_text[number++] = "Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry."
random_text[number++] = "Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls."
random_text[number++] = "You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense."
random_text[number++] = "Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day."
random_text[number++] = "I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel."
random_text[number++] = "I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
random_text[number++] = "Why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle."
random_text[number++] = "I'm learning that 'fun' for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me."
random_text[number++] = "That's your name? Mister Poop?"
random_text[number++] = "Are you Mother Goose?"
random_text[number++] = "Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life."
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?"
random_text[number++] = "I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend."
random_text[number++] = "I need a username. And... I have a great one. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at."
random_text[number++] = "Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?"
random_text[number++] = "Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke."
random_text[number++] = "'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...'"
random_text[number++] = "It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'."
random_text[number++] = "Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about."
random_text[number++] = "Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me."
random_text[number++] = "The very best of luck to you, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "I always set it at 69."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married."
random_text[number++] = "Blood alone moves the wheels of history!"
random_text[number++] = "WE ARE WARRIORS!"
random_text[number++] = "I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death."
random_text[number++] = "Man, this must be torture for you."
random_text[number++] = "So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation?"
random_text[number++] = "It's Grrrrrrape! Soda."
random_text[number++] = "Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic, order some 'za. Talk about you know who."
random_text[number++] = "Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings."
random_text[number++] = "Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken."
random_text[number++] = "Including prep time?"
random_text[number++] = "If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too."
random_text[number++] = "You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?"
random_text[number++] = "You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me."
random_text[number++] = "You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all."
random_text[number++] = "So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis."
random_text[number++] = "People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust.'"
random_text[number++] = "An emergency like, you have an ice cream cake, and you're in the sun, and it's melting?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't use it to buy refrigerators, Kevin!"
random_text[number++] = "Drew. I'm Drew now."
random_text[number++] = "I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies."
random_text[number++] = "I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!"
random_text[number++] = "And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!'"
random_text[number++] = "Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life."
random_text[number++] = "This is shenanigans, foolishness, NERF-ball. You live a sweet, little, NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it."
random_text[number++] = "What, NERF isn't cool anymore?"
random_text[number++] = "Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant."
random_text[number++] = "You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science."
random_text[number++] = "Indubitably."
random_text[number++] = "Ta-freakin'-da!"
random_text[number++] = "Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato."
random_text[number++] = "Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes."
random_text[number++] = "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss! Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!"
random_text[number++] = "Un-shun. Never. Re-shun."
random_text[number++] = "The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, you ignorant slut."
random_text[number++] = "Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!"
random_text[number++] = "My head is in such pain! And turmoil!"
random_text[number++] = "If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude."
random_text[number++] = "I Braveheart."
random_text[number++] = "I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes."
random_text[number++] = "You look as beautiful as the Queen of England."
random_text[number++] = "We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
random_text[number++] = "Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought."
random_text[number++] = "There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
random_text[number++] = "I look really good in white."
random_text[number++] = "Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning."
random_text[number++] = "Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia."
random_text[number++] = "Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch."
random_text[number++] = "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia."
random_text[number++] = "How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable."
random_text[number++] = "All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever."
random_text[number++] = "I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?"
random_text[number++] = "Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on."
random_text[number++] = "Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it."
random_text[number++] = "He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.'"
random_text[number++] = "I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness."
random_text[number++] = "Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity."
random_text[number++] = "So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga."
random_text[number++] = "I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all."
random_text[number++] = "Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive."
random_text[number++] = "I don't trust you, Phyllis!"
random_text[number++] = "Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny!"
random_text[number++] = "That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?"
random_text[number++] = "It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man."
random_text[number++] = "I think we broke his brain."
random_text[number++] = "No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?"
random_text[number++] = "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!"
random_text[number++] = "You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon."
random_text[number++] = "He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away."
random_text[number++] = "Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing."
random_text[number++] = "Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?"
random_text[number++] = "How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue."
random_text[number++] = "Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... Packer@DunderMifflin.com... Packaging'@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh."
random_text[number++] = "Boring. Call me if she rolls over."
random_text[number++] = "It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.'"
random_text[number++] = "I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah."
random_text[number++] = "I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that."
random_text[number++] = "Did you try the petting zoo?"
random_text[number++] = "Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat."
random_text[number++] = "So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?"
random_text[number++] = "And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well."
random_text[number++] = "Jan, you... complete... me."
random_text[number++] = "What am I going to do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art."
random_text[number++] = "I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks."
random_text[number++] = "You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive."
random_text[number++] = "If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?"
random_text[number++] = "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
random_text[number++] = "May your hats fly as high as your dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on."
random_text[number++] = "Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made."
random_text[number++] = "Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!"
random_text[number++] = "The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... Oh well."
random_text[number++] = "There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel."
random_text[number++] = "If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania."
random_text[number++] = "Or... a Whatchamacallit. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand. Satisfied?"
random_text[number++] = "The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies."
random_text[number++] = "But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."
random_text[number++] = "You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning."
random_text[number++] = "Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease."
random_text[number++] = "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
random_text[number++] = "It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them."
random_text[number++] = "Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art."
random_text[number++] = "Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
random_text[number++] = "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"
random_text[number++] = "I am upset. Don't I sound upset?"
random_text[number++] = "Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime."
random_text[number++] = "Midnight, Oscar!'"
random_text[number++] = "This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-"
random_text[number++] = "I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing."
random_text[number++] = "I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!"
random_text[number++] = "That's what happened to O.J."
random_text[number++] = "I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man."
random_text[number++] = "I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies."
random_text[number++] = "Beer me!"
random_text[number++] = "I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time."
random_text[number++] = "Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet."
random_text[number++] = "Lord, beer me strength."
random_text[number++] = "Those are the money beets."
random_text[number++] = "Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really."
random_text[number++] = "Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony."
random_text[number++] = "May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling."
random_text[number++] = "Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right."
random_text[number++] = "I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline!"
random_text[number++] = "By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team."
random_text[number++] = "If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me."
random_text[number++] = "If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."
random_text[number++] = "I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?"
random_text[number++] = "MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic..."
random_text[number++] = "And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage."
random_text[number++] = "Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key..."
random_text[number++] = "Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm."
random_text[number++] = "Another worm? Like, are they friends?"
random_text[number++] = "Let me smell. ... Good, not great."
random_text[number++] = "So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy."
random_text[number++] = "Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend."
random_text[number++] = "It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces."
random_text[number++] = "Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star."
random_text[number++] = "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No? Then you are an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management."
random_text[number++] = "I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station."
random_text[number++] = "Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?"
random_text[number++] = "I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party."
random_text[number++] = "I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling."
random_text[number++] = "Don't break up you guys, you're great together."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation."
random_text[number++] = "I think I just got flashed."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I'll call the real police."
random_text[number++] = "The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?"
random_text[number++] = "If that's flashing, then lock me up."
random_text[number++] = "Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul."
random_text[number++] = "Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. ... ... I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."
random_text[number++] = "And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me."
random_text[number++] = "For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. "
random_text[number++] = "Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free."
random_text[number++] = "There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. "
random_text[number++] = "And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take."
random_text[number++] = "Phallus?"
random_text[number++] = "Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things."
random_text[number++] = "Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen."
random_text[number++] = "If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?"
random_text[number++] = "Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women."
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited."
random_text[number++] = "Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny."
random_text[number++] = "No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist."
random_text[number++] = "Michael. When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian."
random_text[number++] = "My car, my rules."
random_text[number++] = "I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it."
random_text[number++] = "Many women are competent drivers."
random_text[number++] = "This is what we know'."
random_text[number++] = "I figured. It's cool. I don't <20> I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway."
random_text[number++] = "What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese."
random_text[number++] = "Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome."
random_text[number++] = "I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls."
random_text[number++] = "Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex."
random_text[number++] = "And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it."
random_text[number++] = "You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan?"
random_text[number++] = "Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested."
random_text[number++] = "She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles."
random_text[number++] = "But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked."
random_text[number++] = "I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly."
random_text[number++] = "You know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear."
random_text[number++] = "Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?"
random_text[number++] = "Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute."
random_text[number++] = "Not it. I don't have eggs."
random_text[number++] = "About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?"
random_text[number++] = "It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes... you just gots to get your freak on."
random_text[number++] = "May God guide you in your quest."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt. Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse."
random_text[number++] = "Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, you can't swim in leather pants. I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally."
random_text[number++] = "I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head."
random_text[number++] = "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
random_text[number++] = "If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I hope there will be management parables."
random_text[number++] = "Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know?"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "No, the blue team."
random_text[number++] = "Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him."
random_text[number++] = "There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon."
random_text[number++] = "I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!"
random_text[number++] = "There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking."
random_text[number++] = "Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily."
random_text[number++] = "The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world."
random_text[number++] = "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!"
random_text[number++] = "Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!"
random_text[number++] = "Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team."
random_text[number++] = "If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day."
random_text[number++] = "I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!"
random_text[number++] = "At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units."
random_text[number++] = "How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital."
random_text[number++] = "Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends."
random_text[number++] = "What's different about you? You look worse."
random_text[number++] = "What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut."
random_text[number++] = "Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless."
random_text[number++] = "Pam is... kind of a bitch."
random_text[number++] = "Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... Moon each other."
random_text[number++] = "Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said."
random_text[number++] = "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out."
random_text[number++] = "I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time."
random_text[number++] = "My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem."
random_text[number++] = "Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time."
random_text[number++] = "I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front."
random_text[number++] = "I am gonna be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never."
random_text[number++] = "No. And the sheets are made of fire."
random_text[number++] = "Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town."
random_text[number++] = "You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!"
random_text[number++] = "Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?"
random_text[number++] = "I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers."
random_text[number++] = "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots."
random_text[number++] = "I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement."
random_text[number++] = "That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent."
random_text[number++] = "Cause I am what I am. ... That's Popeye."
random_text[number++] = "I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?"
random_text[number++] = "I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous."
random_text[number++] = "Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger."
random_text[number++] = "That is Beardy."
random_text[number++] = "Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means."
random_text[number++] = "I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'"
random_text[number++] = "So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?"
random_text[number++] = "There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.'"
random_text[number++] = "In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again."
random_text[number++] = "What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?"
random_text[number++] = "The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns."
random_text[number++] = "Is it because of these?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey! You're<i/> unstable!"
random_text[number++] = "David, I did not tell her."
random_text[number++] = "I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. It could work. This could work, really!"
random_text[number++] = "Why is my office black?"
random_text[number++] = "So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere."
random_text[number++] = "This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones."
random_text[number++] = "But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay."
random_text[number++] = "Pam. Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?"
random_text[number++] = "All right. Then... it's a date."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry, what was the question?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage."
random_text[number++] = "No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then?"
random_text[number++] = "We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat."
random_text[number++] = "We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end."
random_text[number++] = "I stole it!"
random_text[number++] = "If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor."
random_text[number++] = "If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!"
random_text[number++] = "Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid."
random_text[number++] = "Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela."
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<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
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<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
</div>
</aside>
</div>
<main id="main" class="col-md-6 site-main" role="main">
<article id="post-177" class="post-177 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-uncategorized">
<header class="entry-header">
<h1 class="entry-title">Season 7 &#8211; Episode 11 &#8220;Classy Christmas&#8221;</h1>
<div class="entry-meta">
</div><!-- .entry-meta -->
</header><!-- .entry-header -->
<div class="entry-content">
<p> Written by Mindy Kaling<br /> Directed by Rainn Wilson<br /> Original Air Date: December 9th, 2010<br /> Transcribed by Brett </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Nate:</b> Got it. [taking a group photo outside]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay let&#8217;s go in. I&#8217;m freezing.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We&#8217;re gonna do a fun one.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> One Charlie&#8217;s Angels. One. Let&#8217;s go.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay, this is just a Christmas card from your paper supplier. No one&#8217;s putting this on their fridge.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Oh, I got it, you guys, how &#8217;bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, &#8216;why I oughta&#8217;, and the girls are like, &#8216;let&#8217;s go shopping!&#8217;.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Let&#8217;s just jump in the air!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s it! That&#8217;s a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We&#8217;re gonna jump in the air. Here we go.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Nate:</b> One, two, three. [everyone jumps at different times] Not everyone jumped.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go.<br /> <b>Nate:</b> One, two, three. [everyone jumps] Still some people not jumping.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You gotta be kidding me. Who isn&#8217;t jumping?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I&#8217;ll tell you who. Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, Angela, and Oscar.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> I am jumping.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You are? <br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Yes, I&#8217;m jumping.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Let me see you jump. [Phyllis barely jumps] Oh, my God. This is a store bought-camera. This isn&#8217;t one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I&#8217;m freezing.<br /> <b>Nate:</b> Um, also, Erin is jumping way too early. She&#8217;s on the ground by &#8216;three&#8217;.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> I didn&#8217;t want to miss it.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Well, if we all jump really high, we&#8217;ll be in the air longer. Do that.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Here&#8217;s a question nobody&#8217;s asking:</b> Is this worth it?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Don&#8217;t answer that. People, listen up and listen good. We need to just get one picture where we&#8217;re all in the air at the same time. Yes?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Why?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go.<br /> <b>Nate:</b> Okay, on three. Uh, everyone in the air. Three, [some people jump] two, [others jump] one, [others jump] zero. [everyone begins to yell]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> We didn&#8217;t get it. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> I&#8217;m the office administrator now, which means I&#8217;m basically being paid to be head of the party planning committee. The first thing I did as head&#8230; I shut it down. At its best it was a toxic political club used to make others feel miserable and left out. At its best it planned parties. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> It hardly looks fake. It&#8217;s so lush.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Why&#8217;s it smell real? [Pam shows him a hidden car-freshener] Ah&#8230; good one. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, little children! [dressed as Santa]<br /> <b>All:</b> Merry Christmas.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> How&#8217;s everybody doing today?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Good.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> How&#8217;s the party coming along?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Great.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Are we over budget?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Nope.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No? Good. Did anyone get drunk already?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Not yet!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good for you. Angela, lay it on me. What&#8217;s the problem?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Nothing. Should be fun.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> So Stanley, how big is the bug up your butt today?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> [cheerily] Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. I&#8217;m doing fine.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Alright. Well, I will be in my office making toys for the good children. Andy?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Yea?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Whatcha got?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> All good, Santa.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, that&#8217;s a relief. Santa&#8217;s gonna take some much-needed free time. Alright. Good! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> My kids are growin up. As a boss, I look at that and say great. It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that&#8217;s what I want. That&#8217;s what every boss wants is a, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kelly:</b> It&#8217;s present time, you guys. [all react] Happy Holidays from your friends at Sabre.<br /> <b>Gabe:</b> We just want to say how grateful we are. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kelly:</b> Sabre is actively looking for ways to involve me as minority executive trainee. So I suggested choosing the annual Christmas gift to the employees. And they said, &#8220;Oh, yes. Perfect. Thank you, Kelly. Finally, something for you to do.&#8221; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kelly:</b> It&#8217;s a Hello Kitty laptop sleeve.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Hello Kitty&#8217;s for girls.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Nashua got mp3 players.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Yeah, I don&#8217;t even have a laptop.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Wow.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Oh God.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh come on.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> I said, &#8220;I wonder.&#8221; I didn&#8217;t say, &#8220;I think.&#8221;<br /> <b>Gabe:</b> Kelly, I thought we agreed on fleece blankets.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Blankets, what am I, five?<br /> <b>Gabe:</b> Erin and I make great use of ours. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Gabe:</b> Yes, Erin and I are still dating. Why do you ask me so often if we&#8217;re still dating? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Darryl:</b> I&#8217;ll take one of those pink pouches. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Darryl:</b> I feel good today. My little girl Jada? It&#8217;s my turn to have her for Christmas this year. Two years ago I had her, and we had the best time. I tivoed her favorite shows, some things I&#8217;ve never heard of. iCarly&#8230; You know who&#8217;s funny on that show? The friend with the video camera. He&#8217;s got a nice way of talking. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Hey, it&#8217;s snowing.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [mocking] Oh, my God! It&#8217;s the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate, and cuddle up with Papa and tell him about all your Christmas dreams, hmm? It&#8217;s not even a real snow. Look, it&#8217;s a dusting. Pitiful.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [Jim goes outside, makes a snowball, and brings it back inside] Hey, Dwight. [Jim throws the snowball at Dwight and everyone laughs]<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Damn it, Jim, you cannot throw snowballs in here!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Well, it&#8217;s not a snowball, &#8217;cause it&#8217;s only a dusting. Right?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Look at that. There&#8217;s a pebble in there. You coulda killed me.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Oh, don&#8217;t be such a baby.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Yeah, who&#8217;s a little girl now? [everyone laughs]<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You apologize to me right now.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You&#8217;ve got something on your nose.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You apologize right now.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You got it.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> That sounds awesome. Can we all do it?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No, Andy, it&#8217;s a snowball fight. It&#8217;s not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it. [Jim continues to shake Dwight&#8217;s hand] Jim, let go. Let go. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> Angela, are you bringing you new boyfriend to the party.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I wouldn&#8217;t subject Robert to that. He&#8217;s a very busy senator.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> State senator.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I would not expect you to know what it&#8217;s like to date someone in the public arena.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Who are you dating in the public arena?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> The senator.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Oh, right. The state senator.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> We went to a picnic thrown by the Comptroller&#8217;s wife.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Oh, that would be impressive&#8230; if <i>anyone</i> knew what a comptroller was.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Well&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> Do you have any idea how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony. I do. Two. &#8220;Angela&#8230;&#8221; [imitates camera shooting] &#8220;over here, Angela&#8230;&#8221; [imitates camera shooting] &#8220;here. Look here!&#8221; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Before we kick off the party, I just want to remind everyone that an office party is just that&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> A party. It&#8217;s not an excuse to get really drunk or confront someone or have a cathartic experience of any kind.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pam? Pam?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Pam?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Wow, there are, there are questions to that. Okay. Um, you know what, no questions. Last item on the agenda, Toby would like to make an announcement.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Hi guys.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hi.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Uh, I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I&#8217;ll be taking a leave of absence starting next week.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Uh, because you&#8217;ve been on the Lam? Because the &#8216;boring police&#8217; have been after you, and they finally caught up with you?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Uh, no, the opposite. I was actually selected to be a juror on a very high-profile case.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Death to Toby!<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Okay, that&#8217;s hurtful talk. We&#8217;ve talked about that. You know, I don&#8217;t interrupt your announcements.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know what you, you, you leave these huge pauses in your sentences. What do you expect me to do?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> What&#8217;s the case, Toby?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Well, I really can&#8217;t talk about it, but it&#8217;s a very high profile case.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Is it criminal?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Yes.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Have we heard of it?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> I don&#8217;t know.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a sex slave?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Come on.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Was it the post office guy who rubbed his penis all over the mail?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Guys, it&#8217;s a really big deal. [rubs his neck]<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> He&#8217;s rubbing his neck. He&#8217;s rubbing his neck!<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> He&#8217;s rubbing his neck.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> He&#8217;s rubbing his neck.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Oh, Scranton Strangler! [all react]<br /> <b>Toby:</b> I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let&#8217;s just say I&#8217;ll be up to my neck in jury duty. [excited outbursts]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That was the worst joke ever.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Corporate will be sending someone else to take my place for a while.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. Okay goodbye, goodbye.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Uh, Holly Flax, she comes from the Nashua branch.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What? What?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Yeah, uh, she&#8217;ll be starting next week. If you have any questions about the transition, just let me know.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hold on, Holly&#8217;s coming back here?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Guys, who&#8217;s Holly?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That is a great question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe a part of my future?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Wow.<br /> <b>Creed:</b> She&#8217;s one sassy black lady.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Holly&#8217;s coming back, everybody, and we have to have a party.<br /> <b>Gabe:</b> I&#8217;m not sure the temporary replacement of an H.R. rep really warrants a party.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know what, we&#8217;ll postpone this party until then. This is too important. Cancel this one. Dwight get rid of the tree.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Cancel. We&#8217;re canceling it. [Michael starts to throw away all of the food]<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No, don&#8217;t throw those out!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, we have to cancel the party.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> We can save that.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no, no, we&#8217;re gonna get fresh for Holly. Fresh and new.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> I bought these.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I know.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> These cookies are fine.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It&#8217;s not. They&#8217;re not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Michael, Michael, wait we don&#8217;t have, we don&#8217;t have the budget for another party.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well then everybody&#8217;ll chip in, it&#8217;ll be fine.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I honestly think you&#8217;re idealizing people here again, Michael. I don&#8217;t think that&#8217;s gonna happen.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know what, I&#8217;ll pay for it. I&#8217;ll pay for the party. It doesn&#8217;t matter. This is way too important. People, Holly&#8217;s coming back, and this is the most important Christmas party of my life. So back to work. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Joe. I wrote letters. And, know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton strangler. I love you! You just took one more person&#8217;s breath away. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> We have always had good Christmas parties here, as you know, but they&#8217;ve never been cool. [imitating Sean Connery] The name is Bond&#8230; Santa Bond. I&#8217;ll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan. Santa&#8230; wonderful tradition. Everybody loves Santa. Everybody can&#8217;t get enough of the jolly old man. But that is a myth, because you know what, he is not necessarily a big fat guy with a beard. He&#8217;s not necessarily an old guy. No one knows what the real Santa Claus&#8230; God! Ow! [camera pans down to Angela pinning Michael&#8217;s pants]<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Just stop moving your calves so much while you&#8217;re talking.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, this year&#8217;s gonna be different. We&#8217;re gonna have fun. It&#8217;s not gonna be tacky. It&#8217;s going to be, you know what, the food is going to be austere. It is not going to be tacky, deli platter food. It&#8217;s not gonna have a big, fat, gross Santa Claus. It&#8217;s gonna be cool, sleek Santa.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Maybe I&#8217;ll bring my boyfriend. I&#8217;ll invite him.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. Sure.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I mean, unless there&#8217;s any chance there could be press at this party.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You never know about the press.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Well, I only ask because he&#8217;s a senator.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Could he help us with some parking tickets?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I don&#8217;t think that&#8217;s appropriate.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, then he&#8217;s not a senator.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Yes, he is.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> We still doing the gifts today? [Pam nods] I mean, it is the Christmas party. Well, the classy Christmas party.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yes. But don&#8217;t get too excited, &#8217;cause I didn&#8217;t have a lot of time this year.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Me neither. Whew.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> I&#8217;ve been working forever on Jim&#8217;s present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He&#8217;ll take a memory or a private joke, and he&#8217;ll create something totally unique. I love them. So this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper Salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes &#8216;bear man&#8217;. Wreaks havoc on the office. It&#8217;s really good. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [A note is on Jim&#8217;s computer that says, &#8220;It is time. Parking lot at noon.&#8221; Jim nods and hands it to Dwight who burns it.] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Okay&#8230; [sighs] Oh, no, no, no, no! Fake tree. No, no!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, it has the little&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pam, no, no. Holly&#8217;s coming from New Hampshire. Somebody from New Hampshire looks at that and thinks it&#8217;s a burning cross. No, no. I want you to go and get a real tree. Take some money. Thank you.<br /> <b>Bass Player:</b> Hi, I&#8217;m looking for Michael Scott.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, that&#8217;s me. Come on it. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [scats awkwardly] There&#8217;s nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician, because I thought, what&#8217;s better, to hire an entire quartet for half an hour, or one bassist for the entire day? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hey, uh, any volunteers to come with me to go buy a Christmas tree?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I would, but I don&#8217;t want to get dirty. There might be girls at the party.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. It&#8217;s just us.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> I will help. Although my &#8216;brid&#8217;, my hybrid, my Prius hybrid, won&#8217;t fit a tree. Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> I do, however, have a hookup with a dude who has a pickup.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, do you mean Darryl? That&#8217;s a great idea. I&#8217;ll ask him.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> You know Darryl?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yeah. He works here. We all know him.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> I should come along, just &#8217;cause he&#8217;s my, you know, he&#8217;s my hookup.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Cool.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Come on, now, Justine, look&#8230; Listen, look, I&#8217;ve been planning this, okay? You cannot do this, Justine. <br /> <b>Justine:</b> [on the phone] I&#8217;m not doing it! She told me she wants to have Christmas here.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> She did?<br /> <b>Justine:</b> Yes. She wants to be around family for Christmas. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Darryl:</b> I don&#8217;t know&#8230; I thought I was enough family for my daughter. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Darryl:</b> [Pam knocks on Darryl&#8217;s door] Don&#8217;t come in, I&#8217;m busy. [Pam opens the door]<br /> <b>Andy:</b> It&#8217;s cool, Darryl, I&#8217;m here too.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hey, sorry, I really didn&#8217;t want to come in. It&#8217;s just that we have to go buy a new Christmas tree, and we&#8217;re hoping we could borrow your truck.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Uh, no.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Come on, it&#8217;ll be fun. We could do doughnuts in the snow on the way back.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> No. Thank you for your interest in my truck.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay. Sorry. We&#8217;ll uh, we&#8217;ll leave you alone.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Hey&#8230; [sighs] You know what, I could use a breath of fresh air. Let&#8217;s do it. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> When Holly gets here, I want you to be very helpful to her.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> I&#8217;ve looked her up online&#8230; there&#8217;s nothing about her. She&#8217;s made no impression on the internet.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> She doesn&#8217;t need an internet presence, you just know.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Oh&#8230;<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What the hell are you doing here? You&#8217;re supposed to be in the courthouse.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Uh, we&#8217;re on recess. I came for the party. Hey, everyone.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Hi, Toby. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Meredith:</b> What does the strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> That scowl.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> I can&#8217;t talk about it or I&#8217;ll get removed from the jury.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> And then he will come back here and replace Holly, so stop asking him questions. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Toby:</b> I know people are only this excited to talk to me because of the trial. But, they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realize I have something to say. And then one day, we&#8217;re just talking. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [standing outside, dials Dwight&#8217;s cell phone]<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [voicemail recording] You&#8217;ve reached the voice mail of Dwight Kurt Schrute. Please leave&#8230; [Jim hangs up and turns for the door. It is pad locked. Jim turns as Dwight springs from a nearby snowman and pelts him with snowballs.]<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Ahhhhhhh!!!! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Stop! Stop!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Ahh!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh&#8230; oh!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [grunting, shouting] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [dumps the remainder of the snow in his bag on Jim, then rests his foot on Jim and raises his arms in the air] Haahh!! [runs off] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Um, I was laying on the ground, defenseless, and uh, he just kept throwing &#8217;em until he exhausted himself. And, uh, [cell phone chimes] then&#8230; [reading text message] &#8220;How &#8217;bout icing it? lol. Dwight.&#8221; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Holly:</b> Hi.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Hello.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Is there any way I can get a hand with these, please?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> I&#8217;m really sorry, I can&#8217;t help you. I&#8217;m waiting for my boss&#8217; pretty friend to arrive.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> There she is. Hey. Erin, would you help her, for God&#8217;s sake?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Oh, you&#8217;re Holly! Of course. Sorry.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hello.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> [weak Clint Eastwood accent] Well, well, well, if it isn&#8217;t Michael Scott. You old bastard.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [imitating her accent] Well, I never thought I&#8217;d see your face around these parts, you old bastard.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Well I did show my face around these parts, you old bastard.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [as Curly] Why, you&#8217;re some sorta wise guy, huh?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> [as Curly] I most certainly am.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Unnnnnnngh!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [as Homer] D&#8217;oh!<br /> <b>Holly:</b> [as Marge] Oh, Homey. [they both laugh]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay&#8230; Holly&#8217;s back.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hi. Hi. Oh&#8230; [they hug]<br /> <b>Holly:</b> [in monster voice] Oh, huggy monster!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh no, not the huggy monster! I don&#8217;t wanna die! I don&#8217;t wanna die! I don&#8217;t wanna die! [both sigh] Wow. Well, everybody, you remember Holly.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Hi.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Did you bring us anything from Nashua?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Oh, yeah. I brought um, some maple candy. But I have to admit, I got a little hungry on the drive, and I ate some of them.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s adorable.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Would you put those out?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> To throw out? Or put out, like, six pieces for everyone?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Oh, it&#8217;s so nice to be back. It looks beautiful in here. Super classy. It&#8217;s like a party for limousine drivers.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, you came on the day of our Christmas party.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Oh, it&#8217;s fabulous. I love what you did.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Isn&#8217;t it wonderful? We love it here. Don&#8217;t you love it? All right, let me show you to your desk. [in a stereotyped Mexican accent] I show you to your desk.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> [in the same accent] Watch out for my guns they&#8217;re both loaded. [makes gun noises]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Aww&#8230;<br /> <b>Holly:</b> It&#8217;s a pea shoot&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> This is weird. I can&#8217;t believe you&#8217;re here. This feels like you never left. Doesn&#8217;t it?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Yeah, kind of.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh&#8230;<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Oh&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, and you have a Woody. Bah! [the both chuckle] Oh, I love toy&#8230; <br /> <b>Holly:</b> AJ gave me that.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, that&#8217;s understandable. Still raw. Woody your favorite character?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Mmhmm.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andy&#8217;s mom.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Why?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Because without Andy&#8217;s mom, there&#8217;s no plot. And without any plot, there is no movie.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> That is a really good point. AJ said he hadn&#8217;t seen any of the Toy Story movies.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You&#8217;re kidding me. Ahh!<br /> <b>Holly:</b> No. I know. I was like, &#8220;What? Are you serious?&#8221;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What a douche bag!<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Get a life!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Get a&#8230; yeah! Good riddance.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> We sat down and we watched them all in one day. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> Mmhmm.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Now he&#8217;s the biggest Toy Story fanatic ever.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good for him.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Next day I found him in my bed.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Really? That&#8217;s creepy. How did AJ get in your house?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> We live together.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, you do?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> He had a little note pinned to him that said, &#8220;You&#8217;ve got a friend in me.&#8221;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [fighting back tears] Yeah, Randy Newman&#8217;s the best.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Yeah. I love him.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Me too. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> [singing] Christmas tree, Christmas tree. Won&#8217;t you be my Christmas tree.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hey, how about this one?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Ehh, seems a little full of itself, right? Kind of a pretty boy? What if we got a really beat up one, like on Charlie Brown. And we just loved it for what it is?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Maybe. I mean&#8230; <br /> <b>Darryl:</b> [on the phone] I just, no, she be talking to your mom or something. This is my daughter too, Justine! You seem to think, [Justine hangs up] oh&#8230; pick a damn tree already.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Um, hey, Darryl, listen, it&#8217;s none of my business, but if I couldn&#8217;t have Cece for Christmas, I&#8217;d be really upset too.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> I don&#8217;t have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I&#8217;m going to kill myself.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Jada don&#8217;t want to spend Christmas with me. She told her mom it wasn&#8217;t as much fun. And how could she say that? You know, I took her to the toy store to buy her own presents.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Well Darryl, no kid wants to buy their own Christmas presents.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Her mom wants me to take her to mass. I guess that&#8217;s something to do.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, you should have her mom do the boring Christmas stuff on her time. You should be associated with the fun parts of Christmas.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> How do I do that?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Bring her to the party. Yeah, we&#8217;ll have Santa, and we&#8217;ll play games with her. It&#8217;ll be a lot of fun.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Yes.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> You&#8217;ll be Mr. Christmas by the end of the night. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hey guys, the tree&#8217;s here.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Nobody hug me, I&#8217;m covered in tree sap, so&#8230;<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Why would someone hug you?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey there, Jada. Nice to see you again. I&#8217;m Santa Claus. Welcome.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Are you serious?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It&#8217;s a sophisticated take.<br /> <b>Jada:</b> He doesn&#8217;t look like Santa Claus.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> No, he doesn&#8217;t. [to Michael] I told her Santa would be here.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah, well, I was told that Holly would be here, single and ready to date. And we all got misled.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Who told you that?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Nora Ephron, in every romantic comedy ever made. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Phyllis:</b> So is it an open relationship?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Oh, God, no.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Well, you&#8217;re almost 40. Oh, do you not want kids?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Oh, I want kids. I really want kids. But AJ and I are practically engaged. We talk about spending our lives together.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> So where&#8217;s the ring?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Kelly! Um, how are you adjusting to the move?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Nobody cares about that. Look, you have to make him commit, or kick his butt to the curb.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> You guys, I don&#8217;t think any of us are really qualified to be giving Holly personal advice about her love life.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Yeah, I mean, maybe Holly&#8217;s not in any position to be shooing guys away. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> I don&#8217;t get it! I&#8217;m sorry. I just, I don&#8217;t get it! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Holly:</b> Okay, listen, I&#8217;m gonna tell him that if he doesn&#8217;t propose by the end of this year, we&#8217;re over.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Wow, an ultimatum.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> It doesn&#8217;t really seem like you.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [turns in Pam&#8217;s chair with a Pam wig on and laughs maniacally]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Don&#8217;t. Stop, Dwight! [Dwight pelts Jim with snowballs] Dwight, stop! Dwight, stop!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh, no. Oh, no!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Stop!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh, no. Yes, taste my wrath!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay. Okay. Okay.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Huh? You like that?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Seriously!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Huh?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay. Okay. [Dwight throws another snowball and laughs maniacally] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when your gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> I just want it to stop. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> So, cool right?<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> There&#8217;s no connection between the origin story and the quest.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise, it&#8217;s the bear&#8217;s quest.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay, well, I just sorta meant, like, cute, right?<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Well, did you come here for help, or did you come here for me to tell you how great it is?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I mean, help, if it&#8217;s something simple, like add page numbers or laminate it or&#8230;<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Well, it sounds like you know what you want. [Pam walks away] It&#8217;s also a little derivative of a serias called &#8216;Bear Man&#8217;. Did you look that up?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Okay. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Toby:</b> Oh, Jim. Hey.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hey, Toby.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> There&#8217;s this female uh, uh, stenographer at the courthouse&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No way.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Who looks exactly like you.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> That&#8217;s increadible.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Yeah. No, it&#8217;s uncanny.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You know what&#8217;s crazy?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> What?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I can&#8217;t reconnect with you right now. Hold on one second. [he hurls a snowball at Dwight with a lacrosse stick, misses, and shatters a window, everyone gasps] Excuse me. [clears throat] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don&#8217;t. And that&#8217;s just the way it is. And I can be mature about that. [clip of Michael throwing Holly&#8217;s Woody in the trash and pouring coffee on it] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> It&#8217;s so cold. Even with my coat on.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Maybe your senator boyfriend has a blanket in his car&#8230; for screwing Americans.<br /> <b>Gabe:</b> Yet another opportunity where a blanket would have come in handy. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Holly:</b> You guys, this has to stop. Someone could have really gotten hurt.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What if Meredith was taking her smoking break below that window? You know what would have happened? The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And, yes, it might have been funny. But it also would have been incredibly tragic.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I could not agree more. And just want to state for the record that I am intending to sue Jim for acute psychological distress.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What are you talking about? You&#8217;re the one terrorizing me.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> With snowballs, Jim? With fluffy little snowballs? No. I thought we were just playing.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Dwight&#8217;s right. What you did was dangerous and inappropriate. I&#8217;m really surprised at you guys. Last time I was here, you were both best friends.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk? [he holds up a toy taxi cab] Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara, who lives in New York City.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Wait, what girlfriend?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I haven&#8217;t told you about her.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think that&#8217;s pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So, anyway, we have this great weekend, and she drives me to the airport, and we get to JFK, but I am flying out of LaGuardia. So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around Slo-mo, drinking latte. And at the end of the day, she gives me this, and she says, &#8220;Michael, maybe next time, you should take a cab.&#8221;<br /> <b>Holly:</b> I didn&#8217;t know you had a girlfriend.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I do. She is. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain&#8217;t Tara. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Phyllis:</b> So you went homemade this year.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yup.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Yeah. Money problems, is that what this is about? I mean, oh, dear, I don&#8217;t think we can help you out.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, no. Jim had a great year, actually. I just wanted to get your opinion.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Are you good at homemade?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Look at this.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Yeah&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Holly:</b> [walks in with a dirty Woody] Who did this? It&#8217;s obvious to me I&#8217;m not welcome here, but somebody better tell me who did this, or else I&#8217;m leaving.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Well, I don&#8217;t think Erin seems to like you.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> That&#8217;s not true. I don&#8217;t know her enough to make a decision even.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What happened? What happened? Toby, what did you do? I think Toby&#8217;s very jealous of all the attention you&#8217;ve been getting.<br /> <b>Toby:</b> No, I would never ever do anything like that. But it does seem like something you would do.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, really? Turn it on me. Well, isn&#8217;t that nice? Thank you very much.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Wait, wait, guys, listen. Toy Story is all about toys that come to life when people aren&#8217;t looking. You don&#8217;t think&#8230; it&#8217;s not possible&#8230; that Woody did this to himself.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It is Christmas.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No, it really seems like something Michael would do.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well, the fact that you would think that points to the possibility that it is probably not me. And that I have been framed.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Why would anyone frame you for that?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay, I&#8217;m sorry, why are we discounting this whole &#8220;Woody came to life&#8221; thing so quickly?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ahhhhhh! [laughs] Surprise! It was part of the party. Pretty funny, huh?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> You think this is funny?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [laughs] I don&#8217;t. But someday I think we will laugh about this&#8230; when we tell our kids&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yikes. [everyone gasps]<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Oh no, that&#8217;s, that&#8217;s not happening.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Dear God in heaven.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> All right. Shh. Okay, you know what? Holly, I didn&#8217;t mean to do it. It was an accident. An accident borne of jealous feelings.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Michael, you have to let this go. I&#8217;m with someone else. I don&#8217;t feel that way anymore.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, really? You certainly seemed jealous when I told you about my fake girlfriend. That&#8217;s what Jim and Dwight thought.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay, hey, hey, hey&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No, fake girlfriends are always wrong.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> You made up a fake girlfriend to see if I&#8217;d get jealous? And you destroyed a gift my boyfriend gave me? What is the matter with you?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> When you got transferred, and I drove you up to Nashua, you said, &#8220;Michael, I love you, but I can&#8217;t do this.&#8221; But then, with this other guy, you don&#8217;t have any problem with a long-distance relationship, do you? And you know what, that is what is the matter with me.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Michael, I&#8217;m sorry.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> And we did this whole stupid party for you.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> [blocks Holly&#8217;s path] No.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> You guys, it wasn&#8217;t my fault.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Oh, nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> I really think you&#8217;re better off.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Mmm. Erin, would you do me a favor and find my street clothes for me, please?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Yeah. Is she an amazing cook or something? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [walks over to his desk and sees a present sitting on it, reading the note] &#8220;Hey, Pickles, Merry Christmas. Open immediately. Love, Swiss Cheese.&#8221; [opens the present and a snowball shoots out at him, everyone laughs] Damn it, Dwight!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Didn&#8217;t think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim? Let that be a lesson to you all. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> So do they bring in food, or do you get to go out?<br /> <b>Toby:</b> No, they bring it in.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> You lucky son of a bitch. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Stanley:</b> I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for&#8230; that is the life. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jada:</b> Daddy, I&#8217;m bored. Can I read my book in your office?<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Sure, sweetie. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Jada, Darryl, I&#8217;m so glad I found you guys. A grinch stole the star from on top of the Christmas tree and is hiding it in the warehouse somewhere. You want to go help me find him? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, my goodness.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> I am the mean old grinch. The little girl who wishes to win back the Christmas star must first succeed at these challenges.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Ohh, that sounds fun and Christmasy, you mean old grinch!<br /> <b>Jada:</b> What kind of challenges.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Wahhh&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Something like an obstacle course, Mr. Grinch?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> No. You must answer topical political questions. How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number?<br /> <b>Jada:</b> I don&#8217;t know.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Do you know the other state?<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> Maybe the grinch hid the Christmas star, and we could ask for clues, and he&#8217;ll tell us if we&#8217;re hot or cold.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> The star has been hidden. Is the little girl hot or cold? Well, it turns out she&#8217;s burning up because the star is right behind her ear! [pulls star from coat and pretends to find it behind Jada&#8217;s ear]<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> And the game&#8217;s over seconds later. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> I&#8217;m so glad you could come.<br /> <b>Robert:</b> It&#8217;s nice. I know.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Hey everybody, this is my boyfriend, Senator Robert Lipton.<br /> <b>Robert:</b> Hi.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Senator, it&#8217;s an honor. I&#8217;m Angela&#8217;s friend Oscar.<br /> <b>Robert:</b> Oscar. A pleasure. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Oscar:</b> Robert seems great. He&#8217;s very handsome, firm handshake, he&#8217;s gay, good sense of humor. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>AJ:</b> Hi.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Hello.<br /> <b>AJ:</b> I&#8217;m, uh, I&#8217;m AJ. I&#8217;m here to see Holly. It&#8217;s kind of a surprise.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> I know who you are, and I think you should go.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I bet you didn&#8217;t even bring us anything, did you?<br /> <b>AJ:</b> Was I supposed to bring you guys something?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> What? AJ!<br /> <b>AJ:</b> Surprise.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> What are you doing here? Oh, my God.<br /> <b>AJ:</b> I wanted to see you. How are you?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Wow! Nice.<br /> <b>AJ:</b> Oh, God, you look great.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Oh&#8230; when did you get here?<br /> <b>AJ:</b> Just now.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey<br /> <b>AJ:</b> Just now. Hey, Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Nice to see you again, AJ. Welcome.<br /> <b>AJ:</b> Pleased to see you. Thank you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good trip down?<br /> <b>AJ:</b> Yeah, it was great.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good, good. Good to see you. Have fun. Enjoy the partay. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> I am dead inside. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Darryl:</b> What do you want, baby? We got some granola, got some cupcakes, chips, apples, pies&#8230; <br /> <b>Jada:</b> You have a whole room of vending machines?<br /> <b>Creed:</b> [chuckles] I know. Isn&#8217;t it something?<br /> <b>Jada:</b> I can&#8217;t decide what I want. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Darrly:</b> [handing out vending machine items to everyone] Merry Christmas.<br /> <b>Jada:</b> Merry Christmas.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Thank you.<br /> <b>Jada:</b> And Merry Christmas.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Thank you.<br /> <b>Jada:</b> And Merry Christ&#8230; mas. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Robert:</b> Thank you so much.<br /> <b>Jada:</b> Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Merry Christmas to you. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jada:</b> Merry Christmas.<br /> <b>Bass Player:</b> Oh, thank you. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> [Oscar unwraps a pair of Uggs] For your feet! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Ryan:</b> [holding a knitted iPad case] It&#8217;s amazing. It&#8217;s so great. Thank you. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Creed:</b> [Angela hands Creed a pack of deodorant] For me?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Yes.<br /> <b>Creed:</b> Thank you very much.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Mmhmm. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> I don&#8217;t know if you guys have had a chance to use the new parking meters that accept credit cards, but Robert was instrumental in that legislation.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Wow, that&#8217;s awesome!<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> A real David and Goliath story.<br /> <b>Robert:</b> I&#8217;m just so touched that she&#8217;s so interested in my work.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I am.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> The real problem is the teachers&#8217; union.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Zip it, Meredith.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> No. You tell me why my kid is 17 and still can&#8217;t read.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Hey, who&#8217;s in charge of making drinks around here? Is there a bartender?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> You are. You make your own drink. [Ryan groans]<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> I&#8217;ll make it. What are you drinking.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> An &#8216;F&#8217; train to Brooklyn. Extra bitters.<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> I don&#8217;t know how to make that.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Okay, well, I&#8217;ll just stick with my mojito.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> And you know those annoying geese at the park? Well, he&#8217;s helping eradicate them as well. I mean, I think they&#8217;ve really become a pest.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Annoying.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Yes. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [Jim hits a ceiling panel] I don&#8217;t think he&#8217;s in the ceiling, babe.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Well, uh&#8230; I don&#8217;t think any of us really know. Alright. [Jim hands Pam a present]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Is it&#8230; is it pebbles from that beach in Jamaica? [she shakes it]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ooh, go easy with the shaking.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [lifting up a diamond bracelet] Oh, my God.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You like it?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I love it. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Yup, I do make great Christmas gifts. But I couldn&#8217;t make that. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Alright, my turn.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, um, it&#8217;s just, I didn&#8217;t, I didn&#8217;t have a lot of time, so that&#8217;s just a place holder.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Right. Of course. [reading the comic book] &#8220;The Adventures of Jimmy Halpert.&#8221; Oh, my God. This is awesome! That&#8217;s my bike. That&#8217;s my desk. And that is my daughter. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> I mean&#8230; [speechless] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Michael, wait!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, hey, hey, no, don&#8217;t run. You&#8217;re gonna slip.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> That&#8217;s good advice.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> That&#8217;s a sad story.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [voice breaking] Yeah, well, at least he was married.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, okay, Michael, slow down. Everything&#8217;s gonna be okay. <br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, it&#8217;s not. It&#8217;s not. Oh, man, I can tell you confidently that it is not gonna be okay.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I shouldn&#8217;t tell you this, but&#8230; AJ won&#8217;t commit to Holly. And she&#8217;s gonna tell him that if he doesn&#8217;t propose to her by the end of the year, it&#8217;s over.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Really?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Really. And I don&#8217;t know about you, but I don&#8217;t know of a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum, do you?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> So just be patient.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah. I mean, I can wait till then. Come here. I don&#8217;t want you to fall. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> I surrender.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I do not accept your surrender. There&#8217;s only one way that I would ever relent.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Anything. You got it.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You&#8217;re a psychopath.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I&#8217;ll take that as a no. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> I was in the mall, and I saw that, and I thought it had your name written all over it.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Michael, this is the gift that corporate gave us that I picked out. You&#8217;re re-gifting this to me.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, that&#8217;s not&#8230; no, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [hands Kelly a receipt from his wallet] From the mall. That&#8230;<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> This is a fast food receipt from April.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, that&#8230; <br /> <b>Kelly:</b> God, how many number nines did you order?<br /> <b>AJ:</b> Is everyone here kind of mean?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Oh, I think everyone&#8217;s on edge because of the strangler trial.<br /> <b>AJ:</b> Oh. <br /> <b>Holly:</b> Hey, I&#8217;m so glad you came down. It&#8217;s been so much harder than I expected.<br /> <b>AJ:</b> Hey, what happened to Woody?<br /> <b>Holly:</b> Oh, okay, get ready for this. You&#8217;re not gonna believe it. I was making salad, and he fell right into the dressing. I mean, there was salad dressing all over him.<br /> <b>AJ:</b> He smells awful.<br /> <b>Holly:</b> It was blue cheese dressing.<br /> <b>AJ:</b> Great. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Darryl:</b> Hey, Mike.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> We wanted to give you something.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh.<br /> <b>Jada:</b> Merry Christmas.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Thank you. A Hostess apple pie! This is my favorite breakfast. How did you know that? Thank you very much.<br /> <b>Darryl:</b> What do you say?<br /> <b>Jada:</b> You&#8217;re welcome.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, you know, I seem to remember that Santa promised that he would listen to all the gifts you wanted for Christmas. Didn&#8217;t he say that?<br /> <b>Jada:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I think I know where he is. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jada:</b> A trampoline&#8230;<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Mmhmm.<br /> <b>Jada:</b> Video games.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Video games.<br /> <b>Jada:</b> A DSi.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> A DSi?<br /> <b>Jada:</b> A horse.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> A horse.<br /> <b>Jada:</b> A pool.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You, are you sure you don&#8217;t want a pony? You want a real horse?<br /> <b>Jada:</b> Yes.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> All right. You have to pick up after them. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Hey, sorry. I&#8217;m ready.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I don&#8217;t want to go.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh&#8230; come on, bear man. Come on. [the lights flicker]<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Have you ever seen &#8217;em do that? [walk outside and the parking lot is covered with snowmen]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I&#8217;m sorry. I had no idea.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No, it&#8217;s, it&#8217;s okay. Okay.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay. This is it.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> What?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Go! Go! Go!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> What? What is it? What? What is, oh, my God! [Jim starts attacking snowmen] Honey? Jim? Jim! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> In the end, the greatest snowball isn&#8217;t a snowball at all. It&#8217;s fear. Merry Christmas. </div>
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<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
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