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<meta property="og:description" content="Written by Daniel Chun &#038; Charlie Grandy Directed by Seth Gordon &#038; Harold Ramis Original Air Date: March 4th, 2010 Transcribed by Justin Pam: [on the phone with a client] I just wanted to check and see if there&#8217;s anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave&#8230; Yeah, I&#8217;m pregnant&#8230; Great, well, I&#8217;ll &hellip;" />
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var random_text = new random_text();
// Set the number of text strings to zero to start
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// Incremental list of all possible Text
random_text[number++] = "I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair."
random_text[number++] = "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!"
random_text[number++] = "Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you. "
random_text[number++] = "I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager. "
random_text[number++] = "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."
random_text[number++] = "Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! FALSE. I do not miss him."
random_text[number++] = "No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded."
random_text[number++] = "Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude."
random_text[number++] = "I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman."
random_text[number++] = "That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you."
random_text[number++] = "I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?"
random_text[number++] = "The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays."
random_text[number++] = "That's what she said. Or he said."
random_text[number++] = "I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?"
random_text[number++] = "No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer."
random_text[number++] = "Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ."
random_text[number++] = "You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin."
random_text[number++] = "I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third."
random_text[number++] = "They always want credit for something they supposed to do! What you want a cookie?"
random_text[number++] = "'...in this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck. He's going to lose it when he reads that."
random_text[number++] = "This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here."
random_text[number++] = "Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?"
random_text[number++] = "Come on, Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on."
random_text[number++] = "You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended."
random_text[number++] = "That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive."
random_text[number++] = "Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."
random_text[number++] = "Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
random_text[number++] = "He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom."
random_text[number++] = "I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion."
random_text[number++] = "Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
random_text[number++] = "It's an epidemic."
random_text[number++] = "Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey, hey, everybody. Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh!"
random_text[number++] = "OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?"
random_text[number++] = "See I learned improv from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?"
random_text[number++] = "I think green is kind of whoreish."
random_text[number++] = "Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so..."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath."
random_text[number++] = "One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision."
random_text[number++] = "He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself."
random_text[number++] = "I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box."
random_text[number++] = "And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt."
random_text[number++] = "Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine."
random_text[number++] = "Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0."
random_text[number++] = "Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike."
random_text[number++] = "Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?"
random_text[number++] = "Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? "
random_text[number++] = "I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?"
random_text[number++] = "Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great."
random_text[number++] = "Who? Dave Barry?"
random_text[number++] = "It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk."
random_text[number++] = "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it."
random_text[number++] = "And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!"
random_text[number++] = "This says 'Bushiest Beaver.'"
random_text[number++] = "No, no. Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink!"
random_text[number++] = "And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WOOOOOOOO!"
random_text[number++] = "I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms."
random_text[number++] = "Every so often, Jim dies of boredom."
random_text[number++] = "You see Dwight's coffee mug? Sometimes when he's not here I try to throw things in it."
random_text[number++] = "You try and hurt Mozart, you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. "
random_text[number++] = "Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?'"
random_text[number++] = "We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I got a game. It's called work hard so my kids can go to college."
random_text[number++] = "I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants."
random_text[number++] = "If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton."
random_text[number++] = "There's a basic principle in real estate. That you should never be the best looking person in the development."
random_text[number++] = "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?"
random_text[number++] = "I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you."
random_text[number++] = "Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. "
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom. Gay friendly."
random_text[number++] = "No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble."
random_text[number++] = "You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?"
random_text[number++] = "I tried hopping Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to"
random_text[number++] = "Ok, see you later, Pan."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, please. I have Country Crock."
random_text[number++] = "Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!"
random_text[number++] = "Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. And he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel."
random_text[number++] = "He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works."
random_text[number++] = "I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick..."
random_text[number++] = "The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion."
random_text[number++] = "Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese."
random_text[number++] = "You can't fire me. I don't work in this van!"
random_text[number++] = "Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"
random_text[number++] = "Me so horny. Me love you long tim."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?"
random_text[number++] = "I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.'"
random_text[number++] = "Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down."
random_text[number++] = "Let's go. The men's room was disgusting."
random_text[number++] = "No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear."
random_text[number++] = "We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time."
random_text[number++] = "'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Who knows how words are formed."
random_text[number++] = "Um... Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi."
random_text[number++] = "You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!"
random_text[number++] = "I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays."
random_text[number++] = "You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence."
random_text[number++] = "And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'"
random_text[number++] = "I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow."
random_text[number++] = "But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... "
random_text[number++] = "Oomp-a-Loomp-a-Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome."
random_text[number++] = "Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doopity-doomp."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed."
random_text[number++] = "One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered."
random_text[number++] = "And when I came to, I had an epiphery."
random_text[number++] = "Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever."
random_text[number++] = "You just twist your hand until something breaks."
random_text[number++] = "Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. We will demonstrate on Pam."
random_text[number++] = "This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. ... So I am instituting prima nocta."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay."
random_text[number++] = "It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys."
random_text[number++] = "It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck."
random_text[number++] = "Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever."
random_text[number++] = "Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies."
random_text[number++] = "SHUT UP ANGELA!"
random_text[number++] = "Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats."
random_text[number++] = "Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings."
random_text[number++] = "Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'"
random_text[number++] = "Michael, Dwight would like your man meat."
random_text[number++] = "You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art."
random_text[number++] = "You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag."
random_text[number++] = "Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?"
random_text[number++] = "I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure."
random_text[number++] = "Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't."
random_text[number++] = "She's prettier than you though."
random_text[number++] = "That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin."
random_text[number++] = "Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."
random_text[number++] = "Not that we're all millionaires. ...I'm probably closest."
random_text[number++] = "Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really."
random_text[number++] = "Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!"
random_text[number++] = "No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair."
random_text[number++] = "Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base."
random_text[number++] = "It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five."
random_text[number++] = "Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool."
random_text[number++] = "Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?"
random_text[number++] = "When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too."
random_text[number++] = "Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is."
random_text[number++] = "And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you."
random_text[number++] = "What a pair of Mary's."
random_text[number++] = "Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes."
random_text[number++] = "You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?"
random_text[number++] = "Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time."
random_text[number++] = "Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over."
random_text[number++] = "AM or PM?"
random_text[number++] = "Three hundred and sixty four days, till the next Pretzel Day."
random_text[number++] = "'Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.'"
random_text[number++] = "New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name."
random_text[number++] = "It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes!"
random_text[number++] = "I hooked up with her on February 13th."
random_text[number++] = "Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there."
random_text[number++] = "You mean, like a ham?"
random_text[number++] = "Great Scott!"
random_text[number++] = "Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving."
random_text[number++] = "You're evil, like a hobbit."
random_text[number++] = "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
random_text[number++] = "Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went."
random_text[number++] = "I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October."
random_text[number++] = "In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing."
random_text[number++] = "Do you want us to run aground, woman?!"
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Let's break up."
random_text[number++] = "Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication."
random_text[number++] = "BFD. Engaged ain't married."
random_text[number++] = "Never, ever, ever give up."
random_text[number++] = "If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?"
random_text[number++] = "Kevin! That's inappropriate."
random_text[number++] = "Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both."
random_text[number++] = "I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis."
random_text[number++] = "Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor."
random_text[number++] = "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
random_text[number++] = "Is your password Frodo? Did you just change it to Gollum?"
random_text[number++] = "Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So..."
random_text[number++] = "This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head."
random_text[number++] = "I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? ... I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding."
random_text[number++] = "This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right."
random_text[number++] = "Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers."
random_text[number++] = "You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job!"
random_text[number++] = "Uh, 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword!'"
random_text[number++] = "Please don't throw garbage at me."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, there he is! Secret weapon!"
random_text[number++] = "Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those!"
random_text[number++] = "Same team, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend!"
random_text[number++] = "Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister."
random_text[number++] = "Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right?"
random_text[number++] = "And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer."
random_text[number++] = "It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom."
random_text[number++] = "I don't believe you. Continue."
random_text[number++] = "We've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day."
random_text[number++] = "Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people."
random_text[number++] = "There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays."
random_text[number++] = "Why are you the way that you are?"
random_text[number++] = "Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way."
random_text[number++] = "I hate so much about the things that you choose to be."
random_text[number++] = "Guys, the Afghanistananies."
random_text[number++] = "Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried."
random_text[number++] = "And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Dinkin' flicka."
random_text[number++] = "You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say."
random_text[number++] = "We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often."
random_text[number++] = "Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?"
random_text[number++] = "Jan Levinson, I presume?"
random_text[number++] = "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson."
random_text[number++] = "Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. Honestly, I love stealing things."
random_text[number++] = "Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all!"
random_text[number++] = "Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows."
random_text[number++] = "Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. ...Did you believe me?"
random_text[number++] = "One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can."
random_text[number++] = "Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers!"
random_text[number++] = "Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator."
random_text[number++] = "I was just... I'm in love with you."
random_text[number++] = "I just needed you to know. Once."
random_text[number++] = "Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that."
random_text[number++] = "Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am."
random_text[number++] = "And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out."
random_text[number++] = "It's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry."
random_text[number++] = "I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
random_text[number++] = "What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So..."
random_text[number++] = "Because in this office, it is 'till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized."
random_text[number++] = "It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor."
random_text[number++] = "Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist."
random_text[number++] = "Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club."
random_text[number++] = "Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true."
random_text[number++] = "OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?"
random_text[number++] = "I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death."
random_text[number++] = "Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable."
random_text[number++] = "When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
random_text[number++] = "And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'."
random_text[number++] = "Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage."
random_text[number++] = "'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'"
random_text[number++] = "'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.'"
random_text[number++] = "'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'"
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end."
random_text[number++] = "And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?"
random_text[number++] = "It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled."
random_text[number++] = "Yeppers."
random_text[number++] = "And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars."
random_text[number++] = "Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it."
random_text[number++] = "Wikipedia... is the best thing ever."
random_text[number++] = "Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius."
random_text[number++] = "I am declining to speak first."
random_text[number++] = "Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants."
random_text[number++] = "So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery."
random_text[number++] = "Make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes."
random_text[number++] = "For example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way over paid."
random_text[number++] = "So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---"
random_text[number++] = "Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go."
random_text[number++] = "What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor."
random_text[number++] = "Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "Jim--- Roy--- Look out!"
random_text[number++] = "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?"
random_text[number++] = "You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex."
random_text[number++] = "It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial."
random_text[number++] = "It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed."
random_text[number++] = "All right, Levinson. Here's the rub."
random_text[number++] = "But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "So look out Dunder Mifflin'! I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... "
random_text[number++] = "You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono."
random_text[number++] = "It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school."
random_text[number++] = "Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs."
random_text[number++] = "I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't."
random_text[number++] = "I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."
random_text[number++] = "Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour."
random_text[number++] = "Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!"
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?"
random_text[number++] = "No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid."
random_text[number++] = "It has to be official, and it has to be urine."
random_text[number++] = "I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair."
random_text[number++] = "And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay?"
random_text[number++] = "A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens."
random_text[number++] = "My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish."
random_text[number++] = "Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!"
random_text[number++] = "When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help!"
random_text[number++] = "Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it."
random_text[number++] = "Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher."
random_text[number++] = "Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you!"
random_text[number++] = "I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's."
random_text[number++] = "Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut."
random_text[number++] = "It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's your favorite song."
random_text[number++] = "You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this."
random_text[number++] = "It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal."
random_text[number++] = "Happy birth moment, Michael."
random_text[number++] = "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair."
random_text[number++] = "I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
random_text[number++] = "No cookie.'"
random_text[number++] = "Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner."
random_text[number++] = "Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry."
random_text[number++] = "Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls."
random_text[number++] = "You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it."
random_text[number++] = "Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense."
random_text[number++] = "Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day."
random_text[number++] = "I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel."
random_text[number++] = "I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
random_text[number++] = "Why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle."
random_text[number++] = "I'm learning that 'fun' for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me."
random_text[number++] = "That's your name? Mister Poop?"
random_text[number++] = "Are you Mother Goose?"
random_text[number++] = "Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life."
random_text[number++] = "Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?"
random_text[number++] = "I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend."
random_text[number++] = "I need a username. And... I have a great one. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at."
random_text[number++] = "Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?"
random_text[number++] = "Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke."
random_text[number++] = "'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...'"
random_text[number++] = "It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'."
random_text[number++] = "Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about."
random_text[number++] = "Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me."
random_text[number++] = "The very best of luck to you, Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "I always set it at 69."
random_text[number++] = "Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married."
random_text[number++] = "Blood alone moves the wheels of history!"
random_text[number++] = "WE ARE WARRIORS!"
random_text[number++] = "I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?"
random_text[number++] = "Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death."
random_text[number++] = "Man, this must be torture for you."
random_text[number++] = "So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation?"
random_text[number++] = "It's Grrrrrrape! Soda."
random_text[number++] = "Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic, order some 'za. Talk about you know who."
random_text[number++] = "Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?"
random_text[number++] = "Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings."
random_text[number++] = "Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken."
random_text[number++] = "Including prep time?"
random_text[number++] = "If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too."
random_text[number++] = "You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?"
random_text[number++] = "You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me."
random_text[number++] = "You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all."
random_text[number++] = "So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis."
random_text[number++] = "People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust.'"
random_text[number++] = "An emergency like, you have an ice cream cake, and you're in the sun, and it's melting?"
random_text[number++] = "You don't use it to buy refrigerators, Kevin!"
random_text[number++] = "Drew. I'm Drew now."
random_text[number++] = "I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies."
random_text[number++] = "I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks."
random_text[number++] = "Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!"
random_text[number++] = "And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity."
random_text[number++] = "'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!'"
random_text[number++] = "Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life."
random_text[number++] = "This is shenanigans, foolishness, NERF-ball. You live a sweet, little, NERF-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it."
random_text[number++] = "What, NERF isn't cool anymore?"
random_text[number++] = "Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant."
random_text[number++] = "You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science."
random_text[number++] = "Indubitably."
random_text[number++] = "Ta-freakin'-da!"
random_text[number++] = "Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato."
random_text[number++] = "Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes."
random_text[number++] = "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss! Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!"
random_text[number++] = "Un-shun. Never. Re-shun."
random_text[number++] = "The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, you ignorant slut."
random_text[number++] = "Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!"
random_text[number++] = "My head is in such pain! And turmoil!"
random_text[number++] = "If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude."
random_text[number++] = "I Braveheart."
random_text[number++] = "I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes."
random_text[number++] = "You look as beautiful as the Queen of England."
random_text[number++] = "We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
random_text[number++] = "Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought."
random_text[number++] = "There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
random_text[number++] = "I look really good in white."
random_text[number++] = "Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning."
random_text[number++] = "Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia."
random_text[number++] = "Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch."
random_text[number++] = "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia."
random_text[number++] = "How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable."
random_text[number++] = "All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever."
random_text[number++] = "I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?"
random_text[number++] = "Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on."
random_text[number++] = "Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it."
random_text[number++] = "He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.'"
random_text[number++] = "I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness."
random_text[number++] = "Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity."
random_text[number++] = "So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga."
random_text[number++] = "I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all."
random_text[number++] = "Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive."
random_text[number++] = "I don't trust you, Phyllis!"
random_text[number++] = "Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny!"
random_text[number++] = "That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?"
random_text[number++] = "It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man."
random_text[number++] = "I think we broke his brain."
random_text[number++] = "No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?"
random_text[number++] = "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!"
random_text[number++] = "You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon."
random_text[number++] = "He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away."
random_text[number++] = "Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing."
random_text[number++] = "Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?"
random_text[number++] = "How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue."
random_text[number++] = "Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."
random_text[number++] = "OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... Packer@DunderMifflin.com... Packaging'@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh."
random_text[number++] = "Boring. Call me if she rolls over."
random_text[number++] = "It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.'"
random_text[number++] = "I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah."
random_text[number++] = "I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv."
random_text[number++] = "No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that."
random_text[number++] = "Did you try the petting zoo?"
random_text[number++] = "Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat."
random_text[number++] = "So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?"
random_text[number++] = "And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well."
random_text[number++] = "Jan, you... complete... me."
random_text[number++] = "What am I going to do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art."
random_text[number++] = "I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks."
random_text[number++] = "You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive."
random_text[number++] = "If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?"
random_text[number++] = "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
random_text[number++] = "May your hats fly as high as your dreams."
random_text[number++] = "Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on."
random_text[number++] = "Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made."
random_text[number++] = "Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!"
random_text[number++] = "The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... Oh well."
random_text[number++] = "There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel."
random_text[number++] = "If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania."
random_text[number++] = "Or... a Whatchamacallit. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand. Satisfied?"
random_text[number++] = "The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies."
random_text[number++] = "But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."
random_text[number++] = "You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning."
random_text[number++] = "Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease."
random_text[number++] = "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
random_text[number++] = "It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them."
random_text[number++] = "Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art."
random_text[number++] = "Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
random_text[number++] = "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"
random_text[number++] = "I am upset. Don't I sound upset?"
random_text[number++] = "Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime."
random_text[number++] = "Midnight, Oscar!'"
random_text[number++] = "This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-"
random_text[number++] = "I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing."
random_text[number++] = "I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!"
random_text[number++] = "That's what happened to O.J."
random_text[number++] = "I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man."
random_text[number++] = "I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies."
random_text[number++] = "Beer me!"
random_text[number++] = "I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time."
random_text[number++] = "Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet."
random_text[number++] = "Lord, beer me strength."
random_text[number++] = "Those are the money beets."
random_text[number++] = "Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really."
random_text[number++] = "Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony."
random_text[number++] = "May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling."
random_text[number++] = "Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right."
random_text[number++] = "I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable."
random_text[number++] = "Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline!"
random_text[number++] = "By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner."
random_text[number++] = "Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team."
random_text[number++] = "If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me."
random_text[number++] = "If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."
random_text[number++] = "I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight."
random_text[number++] = "Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh."
random_text[number++] = "Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?"
random_text[number++] = "MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic..."
random_text[number++] = "And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage."
random_text[number++] = "Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key..."
random_text[number++] = "Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm."
random_text[number++] = "Another worm? Like, are they friends?"
random_text[number++] = "Let me smell. ... Good, not great."
random_text[number++] = "So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy."
random_text[number++] = "Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend."
random_text[number++] = "It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces."
random_text[number++] = "Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star."
random_text[number++] = "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?"
random_text[number++] = "Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No? Then you are an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management."
random_text[number++] = "I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station."
random_text[number++] = "Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."
random_text[number++] = "Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?"
random_text[number++] = "I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party."
random_text[number++] = "I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling."
random_text[number++] = "Don't break up you guys, you're great together."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation."
random_text[number++] = "I think I just got flashed."
random_text[number++] = "OK, I'll call the real police."
random_text[number++] = "The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?"
random_text[number++] = "If that's flashing, then lock me up."
random_text[number++] = "Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul."
random_text[number++] = "Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. ... ... I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."
random_text[number++] = "And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me."
random_text[number++] = "For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. "
random_text[number++] = "Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free."
random_text[number++] = "There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert."
random_text[number++] = "Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. "
random_text[number++] = "And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take."
random_text[number++] = "Phallus?"
random_text[number++] = "Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody."
random_text[number++] = "Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things."
random_text[number++] = "Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen."
random_text[number++] = "If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?"
random_text[number++] = "Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women."
random_text[number++] = "Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited."
random_text[number++] = "Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny."
random_text[number++] = "No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist."
random_text[number++] = "Michael. When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian."
random_text[number++] = "My car, my rules."
random_text[number++] = "I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it."
random_text[number++] = "Many women are competent drivers."
random_text[number++] = "This is what we know'."
random_text[number++] = "I figured. It's cool. I don't <20> I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway."
random_text[number++] = "What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese."
random_text[number++] = "Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome."
random_text[number++] = "I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress."
random_text[number++] = "Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls."
random_text[number++] = "Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing."
random_text[number++] = "I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex."
random_text[number++] = "And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it."
random_text[number++] = "You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan?"
random_text[number++] = "Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested."
random_text[number++] = "She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles."
random_text[number++] = "But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked."
random_text[number++] = "I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly."
random_text[number++] = "You know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear."
random_text[number++] = "Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?"
random_text[number++] = "Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute."
random_text[number++] = "Not it. I don't have eggs."
random_text[number++] = "About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?"
random_text[number++] = "It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes... you just gots to get your freak on."
random_text[number++] = "May God guide you in your quest."
random_text[number++] = "Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt. Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse."
random_text[number++] = "Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?"
random_text[number++] = "Well, you can't swim in leather pants. I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally."
random_text[number++] = "I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head."
random_text[number++] = "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
random_text[number++] = "If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I hope there will be management parables."
random_text[number++] = "Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know?"
random_text[number++] = "Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot."
random_text[number++] = "No, the blue team."
random_text[number++] = "Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him."
random_text[number++] = "There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon."
random_text[number++] = "I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!"
random_text[number++] = "There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking."
random_text[number++] = "Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily."
random_text[number++] = "The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world."
random_text[number++] = "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!"
random_text[number++] = "Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!"
random_text[number++] = "Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team."
random_text[number++] = "If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me."
random_text[number++] = "Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day."
random_text[number++] = "I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see."
random_text[number++] = "Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!"
random_text[number++] = "At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units."
random_text[number++] = "How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus."
random_text[number++] = "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital."
random_text[number++] = "Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?"
random_text[number++] = "Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends."
random_text[number++] = "What's different about you? You look worse."
random_text[number++] = "What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut."
random_text[number++] = "Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless."
random_text[number++] = "Pam is... kind of a bitch."
random_text[number++] = "Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... Moon each other."
random_text[number++] = "Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam."
random_text[number++] = "You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said."
random_text[number++] = "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out."
random_text[number++] = "I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time."
random_text[number++] = "My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."
random_text[number++] = "Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem."
random_text[number++] = "Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages."
random_text[number++] = "No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time."
random_text[number++] = "I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front."
random_text[number++] = "I am gonna be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never."
random_text[number++] = "No. And the sheets are made of fire."
random_text[number++] = "Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town."
random_text[number++] = "You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!"
random_text[number++] = "Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?"
random_text[number++] = "I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers."
random_text[number++] = "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots."
random_text[number++] = "I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement."
random_text[number++] = "That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent."
random_text[number++] = "Cause I am what I am. ... That's Popeye."
random_text[number++] = "I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?"
random_text[number++] = "I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous."
random_text[number++] = "Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger."
random_text[number++] = "That is Beardy."
random_text[number++] = "Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means."
random_text[number++] = "I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'"
random_text[number++] = "So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?"
random_text[number++] = "There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.'"
random_text[number++] = "In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again."
random_text[number++] = "What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?"
random_text[number++] = "The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns."
random_text[number++] = "Is it because of these?"
random_text[number++] = "Hey! You're<i/> unstable!"
random_text[number++] = "David, I did not tell her."
random_text[number++] = "I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. It could work. This could work, really!"
random_text[number++] = "Why is my office black?"
random_text[number++] = "So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere."
random_text[number++] = "This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones."
random_text[number++] = "But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay."
random_text[number++] = "Pam. Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?"
random_text[number++] = "All right. Then... it's a date."
random_text[number++] = "I'm sorry, what was the question?"
random_text[number++] = "Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage."
random_text[number++] = "No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here!"
random_text[number++] = "Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'?"
random_text[number++] = "I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want."
random_text[number++] = "Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then?"
random_text[number++] = "We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat."
random_text[number++] = "We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end."
random_text[number++] = "I stole it!"
random_text[number++] = "If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor."
random_text[number++] = "If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!"
random_text[number++] = "Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid."
random_text[number++] = "Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela."
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<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
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<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
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<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
</div>
</aside>
</div>
<main id="main" class="col-md-6 site-main" role="main">
<article id="post-158" class="post-158 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-uncategorized">
<header class="entry-header">
<h1 class="entry-title">Season 6 &#8211; Episode 16 &#8220;The Delivery&#8221;</h1>
<div class="entry-meta">
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</header><!-- .entry-header -->
<div class="entry-content">
<p> Written by Daniel Chun &#038; Charlie Grandy<br /> Directed by Seth Gordon &#038; Harold Ramis<br /> Original Air Date: March 4th, 2010<br /> Transcribed by Justin </p>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [on the phone with a client] I just wanted to check and see if there&#8217;s anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave&#8230; Yeah, I&#8217;m pregnant&#8230; Great, well, I&#8217;ll write up the order. Okay, thanks.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Wait a minute! You can&#8217;t do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [on the phone] Hey, did I tell you we were going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much. I&#8217;m excited. Oh, definitely.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [on the phone with a client] Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? &#8230; Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it&#8217;s just horrific. The doctor says he&#8217;d never seen it beard so quickly. Okay. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> I need a baby. I&#8217;ll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I&#8217;ve been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Kevin, you&#8217;re such a gourmand.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I cooked my way through Julia Childs&#8217; cookbook, and now, I&#8217;m halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward&#8217;s corn flake chicken.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hmm. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we&#8217;ve been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner. One last ultra feast.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Mmmm, that sounds great. What are you thinking?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I think it should be a surprise.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> [After Pam has a contraction] Oh, getting there, huh?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, no. I still have time. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> I&#8217;m having contractions, but they&#8217;re irregular and far apart. So I&#8217;m not really in labor, I&#8217;m near labor.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah, we&#8217;re slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Not to mention the extra night&#8217;s sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it&#8217;s crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it&#8217;s a boy.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I cannot wait for that joke to be over. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Ooh.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She&#8217;s contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania. I gassed up the car&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Michael, you shouldn&#8217;t have done that.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Happy to do it. Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> You know the baby&#8217;s not going to live here, right?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hmm, that logic&#8217;s air-tight, but unfortunately it wasn&#8217;t conceived here. Burning man, port-o-potty.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, yuck! TMI! How was it? I don&#8217;t want to know. Tell me later. Let&#8217;s go! Let&#8217;s go! Hospital!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay, okay, we&#8217;re not going to the hospital. We are waiting until midnight.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Ooh, spooky. But why?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Because the insurance company only covers two nights.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Everything&#8217;s fine. We have plenty of time.<br /> <b>Nick:</b> Well, you don&#8217;t want to wait too long, Pam. Otherwise the baby&#8217;s going to become a teenager in there and you&#8217;ll be up all night, from the rock music.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Shut up, Nick. What a weird thing to say. Weird I.T. nerd. Don&#8217;t get revenge on me, nerd.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> [as Nick looks over at her] What are you looking at?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Ha, nerd. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kelly:</b> Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don&#8217;t work, and you can poop yourself. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [with Angela in the break room] Bare my child.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Excuse me?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything&#8230; Very well. Let&#8217;s meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [after Pam has another contraction] That&#8217;s seven minutes. Here we go. This is happening. Come on.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hold on, hold on. It isn&#8217;t midnight yet.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Are you serious? Pam.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I&#8230; Pam, please.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I&#8217;m going to be okay, we should really try to make it until midnight.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Yeah, no, you really should. Because if your baby&#8217;s born tomorrow, he&#8217;s going to have the same birthday as Butt-mud Brooks. My old roommate.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Did you hear that? Butt-mud Brooks.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Five minutes apart. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> So, the plan was seven minutes. But we&#8217;re calling an audible, because that&#8217;s her call. Because she&#8217;s the quarterback. I&#8217;m just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Okay, stop watching me.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay, crazy. I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you, like sell printers.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Mm-hmm.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Well not until Friday 20% off toner cartridges, that&#8217;s a big deal. While we&#8217;re on the subject, why don&#8217;t I just run you down to the hospital and we&#8217;ll just do a quick check?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Not until midnight.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Guys. Word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don&#8217;t get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> My brother was born, and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Jr. name, so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby name book.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You know, it&#8217;s getting real crowded in here. Maybe you guys should all go back to work because the day&#8217;s not out yet.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no, no, no, no. You know what? You can&#8217;t tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [as Andy and Kevin shout &#8220;yeah!&#8221; in response to Michael] Okay, I feel like this noise is going to prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body&#8217;s signals.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Actually, the distractions are good. I mean, I don&#8217;t think I&#8217;m going to make it until midnight if I&#8217;m just sitting here thinking about it.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes! No, no, five seconds! Right now, right now! Conference room! Topic, potpourri! Let&#8217;s go! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [Michael covers his mouth and makes fart noises.] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam&#8217;s mind off of what&#8217;s going on inside of her body.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Can we do sleight of hand tricks?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I will allow that.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Yes! Can anyone do those?<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> I&#8217;m going to go look at the Internet.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [as Pam has another contraction] Oh! Oh, alright. That&#8217;s a good one.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, okay, uh, sorry, guys. Just, um, keep talking.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> Oh my God, Pam, you are a woman warrior.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, thanks, Kelly.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies, uh, special skills?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yes, this is the only time I&#8217;m ever going to make this request.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, Phyl?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [ as Pam shakes her head] Nope, nope, I don&#8217;t think anybody wants to see that.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> I can do the evolution of dance-dance.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [as Pam gives the thumbs up] That sounds good! Do you need some music, or&#8230;? Okay.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Nope, actually music would just throw me off. I need complete silence. Okay&#8230; [Pam begins to clap as Andy dances] You&#8217;re clapping. I need complete silence. Totally threw me off, so I&#8217;m going to have to start over. Evolution of dance-dance.<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> [reading from a book as Kelly admires] &#8220;You let me in your bed. But now, I sleep alone. Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home.&#8221;<br /> <b>Erin:</b> [naming race horses] Affirmed. Seattle Slew. Secretariat. Citation. Assault. Count Fleet. Whirlaway. War Admiral. Omaha. Gallant Fox&#8230; And&#8230; I know this. Uh&#8230; The jockey was Johnny Loftus. Sired by Star Shoot. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Angela:</b> Good afternoon.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Have a seat.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> What is this?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Of course.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> It&#8217;s been a long time since we&#8217;ve come down here separately.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> You know I was thinking&#8230;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Now, then. Let&#8217;s get to it, shall we? Item one:</b> [speaking into a voice recorder] Child will be breast fed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus. Agreed?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Agreed. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [as Pam has another contraction] Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Another seventy five contractions and you are going to be there.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay, you know what? I&#8217;m going to go give, uh, doctor Asmani a quick call. He&#8217;d probably know&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Jim, please. Happy thoughts here. Happy times.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah, happy times. Come on. Let&#8217;s have happy times.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Alright.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Jim, as a matter of fact, I have printed out ten ways to induce labor. And I&#8217;m thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin, read the first one.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Um, stimulate the nipples.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, nobody touch Pam&#8217;s nipples. Think of Pam&#8217;s nipples as Toby&#8217;s grundle.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> I have a shirt like that in my car.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, yeah, why don&#8217;t you go get it?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Okay, uh, the second one is walk around. We&#8217;re already doing the opposite of that. Perfect. Okay, number three, eat spicy foods.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, the opposite of that?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Stick spicy food up her butt.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Nope, nope, nope, nope. Come on, let&#8217;s go to the hospital. Pam, let&#8217;s go to the hospital right now.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Jim, Jim, honey, I love you, but you&#8217;re really distracting me from my distractions.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Well, sorry.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Why don&#8217;t you go do some work?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Great. I will do that. Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled. And you know how very rarely I use that word. Frazzled.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I know, you don&#8217;t like to be frazzled.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No, I don&#8217;t.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, and by the way, hate that you&#8217;re helping her with this right now. Totally.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ooh, someone&#8217;s freakin&#8217;.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> A little frazzled.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I think he is. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she&#8217;s gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I&#8217;m crazy. But I&#8217;m not crazy, she&#8217;s crazy. I&#8217;m not crazy, she&#8217;s crazy. [reading from various books] Five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes. Six minutes. Different, but not really. Five to seven minutes. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Acceptable names include and are limited to:</b> Ebenezer.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Jedediah.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Jonas.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Jedediah.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Warf.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No Star Trek names.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Okay. Fine.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> What if it&#8217;s a girl?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can&#8217;t put that in here.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Yes you can.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> No.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> It&#8217;s as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Absolutely not. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> [Pam approaches as he sits in his car] Hey.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hey. I&#8217;m not going to get in the car, because I know if I do you&#8217;ll try to drive me to the hospital.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ah, you know me too well.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay, Jim.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah? &#8230; Oh.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Everything is fine. You don&#8217;t have to worry. Try not to think about it. She&#8217;s not coming out for a while, okay?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Did you say &#8220;she?&#8221;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I called the doctor like a week ago. I couldn&#8217;t wait&#8230; Oh, God, don&#8217;t be mad.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Mad? How could I be mad? We&#8217;re having a little girl.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Mm-hmm.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Wow, we&#8217;re having a little girl. Oh, man.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I know.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Woo, alright. Well, I definitely feel better.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Good.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Alright&#8230; Hey, did you change?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, yeah, my water broke.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh. Oh&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [enters the office and has another contraction] Oh, whoa. Ha. Wow.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Pam, Pam! Okay, alright, okay, it&#8217;s time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please! Is it midnight yet?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> No, it&#8217;s 4:35.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> 4:35. Alright, almost made it. Almost made it. Too bad you didn&#8217;t have sex like seven and a half hours later. But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand. Sometimes you have to go for it. Let&#8217;s go to the hospital, shall we?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, not yet, Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> We can do&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, wow, it&#8217;s almost time for ultra feast! Where&#8217;s Kevin?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> That&#8217;s fancy feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What is October feast? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> There is no rush to get to the hospital. I am fine. I&#8217;ll get there. And if I don&#8217;t get there, I don&#8217;t get there. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Kevin:</b> Our ultra feast menu&#8217;s theme:</b> Hollywood. We have Ratatouille, from Ratatouille, and tandoori chicken, from Born Into Brothels. I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I&#8230; Are you okay?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Mm-hmm. Yes, I&#8217;m fine. Um, yeah, the doctor said it&#8217;s still considered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, okay, Jim. I think this feast is over and it&#8217;s time to go to the hospital.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Alright. Time to go. Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> That&#8217;s right, let&#8217;s do this.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Let&#8217;s give it a shot.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Nope. No, no, that&#8217;s better. That wasn&#8217;t even the worst of them. I&#8217;m fine.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hey, come on. Let&#8217;s go to the hospital.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> They&#8217;re not that bad still, babe.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Pam, Pam, it&#8217;s time. Let&#8217;s go to the hospital.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, it&#8217;s passing, it&#8217;s fine. It&#8217;s okay. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> Come on, Michael says we should go now.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Let&#8217;s go, Pam. Yeah, I think we should head out.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, it&#8217;s passing, it&#8217;s fine.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Pam.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Ah, no, it passed. It&#8217;s good.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You know what? Let&#8217;s go. We got to go to the hospital.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay, I&#8217;m not going. I&#8217;m not&#8230; It&#8217;s fine. [Jim, Michael and Kevin try to help her up] Okay, come on, come on. No! I am not going! I am not going, okay!? I&#8217;m not going today because I can&#8217;t do it, I don&#8217;t think I can do it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hey, are you kidding me?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Are you kidding?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> If anyone can do this, you can do this.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You can do this. You can do this.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Pam, I&#8217;m scared. I&#8217;m real scared.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m scared, too.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I&#8217;m petrified.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> The best news is, we&#8217;re going to have a baby today.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> A really awesome baby.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> We&#8217;re going to have a baby.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> So let&#8217;s have it at the hospital.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Let&#8217;s do that.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> How are we doing on contractions?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Two minutes apart.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Two minutes&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, God. Oh, no.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Michael, I told you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> It&#8217;s okay.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No, I told you to warn me at five minutes.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Jim, we waited too long!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I know, I know, I know. It went by too soon.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> We waited too long! Two minutes doesn&#8217;t do us any good. Well, what happened to four and three minutes?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> We&#8217;re okay, Jim! Okay, Pamela. You know what time it is?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I don&#8217;t want to have my baby here.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You&#8217;re not going to. You know where you&#8217;re going?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> The hospital.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes, you are. And you know what you&#8217;re going to have?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> A baby.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes! We&#8217;re going to the hospital and we&#8217;re going to have a baby. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> I got it! I got it! Everybody it&#8217;s go time! At your stations. Stanley, man the phones. Meredith, please, get bottled water. Erin, call an ambulance, please!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No, no, no. Ambulances are emergencies only. You call an ambulance, I call the cops.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Alright, we&#8217;re driving ourselves, actually.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, Jim, you are in no condition to drive. I will drive you. Check! Got it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Alright, I have my wallet.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yes.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Go bag&#8217;s in the car&#8230; Keys, my keys, where&#8217;s my keys?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Go bag! Where&#8217;s my go bag? Where&#8217;s my go bag?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> There&#8217;s nothing in it.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay, great! Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> The hospital provides dictionaries, bring a thesaurus!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Dwight, get away!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no, no. Dwight, let Jim do that, please.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> I didn&#8217;t know we had a tape measure.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [as he holds up the tape measure with his initials on it] &#8220;We&#8221; don&#8217;t.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay, I can&#8217;t find my keys! I cannot find my keys! Found &#8217;em. They&#8217;re here.<br /> <b>Dwight, Jim and Michael:</b> Here we go!<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> Good luck!<br /> <b>Nick:</b> Good luck, Pam!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Thank you! Wish me luck!<br /> <b>Creed:</b> Have fun! [sigh]<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> Hey, it&#8217;s 5:00! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [entering the elevator] Here we go! Here we go! On our way!<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Hold it!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Come on, Stanley! Okay. We&#8217;re going now!<br /> <b>Toby:</b> Oh, one more!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No, no, no, no! Out, out! Idiot. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Dwight, what is the traffic like? <br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Doesn&#8217;t matter. I&#8217;ll escort you!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Alright.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Let&#8217;s go!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Geesh, Dwight!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> [as he peels out of the parking lot and stops] Michael!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What!?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> This is where I saw that deer last week.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Where?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Right over by that fence.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> By the bushes?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay, Michael! Focus!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, go, go, go, go!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Let&#8217;s go! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Alright, here we go! You&#8217;re doing great! She&#8217;ll be here soon.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, just breathe&#8230; She? You found out? Come on, guys. I wanted to be surprised.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Michael!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Yeah?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Stop texting, put your phone away! Come on.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Michael, come on!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m texting about you, okay!? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Ugh, alright. [as he puts a police siren on top of his car] Let&#8217;s move! &#8230; What?<br /> <b>Policeman:</b> Pull over!<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Are you kidding me?<br /> <b>Policeman:</b> Pull over! [Dwight begins throwing various weapons out of the window] You&#8217;re not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Don&#8217;t make this difficult, Dwight! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Wait, wait. My iPod&#8217;s not in here!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> It has the birth song on it!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay. I know, I know. But my iPod is in the go bag. We&#8217;ll be fine.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Jim, I don&#8217;t want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay, so what do you want to do?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I don&#8217;t know! Let&#8217;s go by the house and get it. It&#8217;s only twenty minutes past the hospital!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Pam, no! Are you nuts? We&#8217;re going to the hospital now.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Guys, guys! Stop fighting, come on. Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? Right? Okay, you know what? I am all over this. Here we go. [as he calls Dwight] Ready?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Dwight Schrute.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hello, Dwight. Pam left her iPod at her house. I want you to swing by, pick it up, and bring it to the hospital. We need it yesterday.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Why didn&#8217;t you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IM&#8217;ing you how bored I was.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Dwight! Go to my house. Get my iPod. I think it&#8217;s on the kitchen table. Do not touch anything else. The key is under&#8230;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> I don&#8217;t need a key.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen it&#8217;s under the&#8230;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> No, no, don&#8217;t, don&#8217;t tell me. Alalalalalalalalalala lalalalalala alalalalalalalala.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Dwight just listen! It&#8217;s underneath&#8230; [Dwight hangs up as the policeman hands him a ticket] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Wait, you alright?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yes.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Do you have everything, guys?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Michael, just go park the car.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, alright. [he parks in an ambulance zone]<br /> <b>Hospital employee:</b> Sir! You can&#8217;t park here!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Dunder-Mifflin. It&#8217;s okay. [he throws the keys into bushes across the street] I just did. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Pam&#8217;s doing great. Uh, she&#8217;s ten inches dilated now. Uh, sorry, meters. Centimeters. And she&#8217;s also fully faced. Which I don&#8217;t know what that is, uh, but no baby yet. It&#8217;s only been six, uh, nineteen hours, and uh, I just went out for some ice chips because I might have passed out a little bit, but these are very refreshing, very good.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Daddy? She&#8217;s ready to push.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Where is my little nibblet? Halpert, room D1. Alright, family only beyond this point, thank you. Here we go.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> [as Pam screams] Doing great, push again.<br /> <b>Doctor:</b> Not yet.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No, don&#8217;t push. Pull. Pull.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Why don&#8217;t you get more ice chips?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, Jim, stay!<br /> <b>Doctor:</b> Okay. Really push this time, Pam.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> [looking horrified as he walks from the room back into the lobby] Okay, not yet, not yet. I&#8217;m going to go wash my eyes. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> That kid&#8217;s going to have a lot of hair. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Hey, have you guys seen her?<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> She hasn&#8217;t popped yet.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today&#8217;s paper. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Phyllis:</b> This is ridiculous. We just can&#8217;t wait here.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I think it&#8217;s going to be any minute now.<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> But you don&#8217;t know that. I mean, we could be here another half an hour.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?<br /> <b>Phyllis:</b> I have an ice cream cake in the car.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, my God. Go, go, go! Are you insane? Alright. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [Pam screams as he approaches the door to their room] Guys? Hello? Um, sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> This is happening!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> You&#8217;re starting, you&#8217;re kinda losing them.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, my God! Look at her! baby, she&#8217;s so beautiful! Oh, my God.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, my God. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [smoking a cigar] Yeah, that&#8217;s right. It&#8217;s a baby, see?<br /> <b>Doctor:</b> Sir! Sir, you can&#8217;t smoke that in here. Put it, put it out.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. You can&#8217;t smoke anywhere these days. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [with Jim, holding the baby] She&#8217;s incredible. Want to count her fingers and toes again?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No, let&#8217;s let her rest. I&#8217;m sure there&#8217;s still twelve on each.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Guys, guys!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Eleven pounds&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> She&#8217;s seven pounds, two ounces, eighteen inches. Mother and daughter are doing great.<br /> <b>Everyone:</b> Yeah!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Thank you! Thank you!<br /> <b>Oscar:</b> Congratulations. That&#8217;s great. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>(Pam&#8217;s mom) Heleen:</b> Hi there.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hey, grandma&#8217;s back.<br /> <b>Helene:</b> Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria, but I have returned with the coffee.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Great.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, thank God. I haven&#8217;t had caffeine in nine months.<br /> <b>Helene:</b> Ooh, somebody has a full diaper.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh. Let me get it. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Where&#8217;s the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh, Helene, hi. Oh, my goodness, what are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma.<br /> <b>Helene:</b> Hello, Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Hello. Oh, good for you. I worry about you.<br /> <b>Helene:</b> I&#8217;m, uh&#8230; You know I think, uh, I think it&#8217;s time for me to go.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Helene:</b> Love you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Love you, as a friend.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Love you, mom.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ooh, I want to hold the baby!<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay, you just have to use the hand sanitizer first.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Alright.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Again, no pants.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, okay.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ready?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh, wow. Michael. Michael.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> It&#8217;s so weird, she was saying it just before you got here. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam&#8217;s house to find Pam&#8217;s iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn&#8217;t find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night&#8217;s sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets&#8230; Time to get to work [he begins to destroy the kitchen with a sledgehammer]. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together, and I made a family.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> This man has a gift!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Who else here is single?<br /> <b>Kelly:</b> I&#8217;m not single. I have a man. [she grasps Ryan&#8217;s arm as Ryan has his hand raised to say he&#8217;s single]<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too.<br /> <b>Stanley:</b> Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don&#8217;t have any? [Stanley raises his hand] Who else? Come on! People, I know models!<br /> <b>Ryan:</b> Ha ha, plus size models, maybe.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Ha ha, you got that right! Meredith? Come on, you&#8217;re obviously single.<br /> <b>Meredith:</b> You know it. I am never getting married. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Meredith:</b> Like Clooney. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Andrew, what about you?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Yes, I&#8217;m going to ask out Erin. I&#8217;m just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I&#8217;d like for the moon to be visible. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> We were just kids. What did we know?<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> How we doing?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Great.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Good.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Doesn&#8217;t she sleep here?<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> She can. But a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest. You&#8217;ve been through a lot.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I think we&#8217;ll be okay.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Okay, great.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> [as the baby yawns] Oh, big yawn. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Ready? One, two, three&#8230;<br /> <b>Pam:</b> One, and then wrap around. It&#8217;s okay. Hold that arm down.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I can&#8217;t. She&#8217;s too strong. She&#8217;s, careful, though. You don&#8217;t want to break it.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> She&#8217;s not gonna&#8230; Just&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I got it. Alright.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Go.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Nurse! </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> How you doing?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I don&#8217;t know. I just, I can&#8217;t tell if she&#8217;s getting anything.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Really?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Doesn&#8217;t feel right.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Well, you&#8217;re pushing the milk out, right?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> How does one do that?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Wasn&#8217;t it&#8230; It&#8217;s kinda like a&#8230; Like that.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Do you want to try it, Jim?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I think you&#8217;re good. Doing a good job.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Somebody buzzed?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh! Really? Must have sat on it, Pam.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I can&#8217;t tell if she&#8217;s getting anything. It just doesn&#8217;t really feel right. <br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while. I can take her to the nursery and then bring her back and try again a little bit later.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Even if she&#8217;s not getting anything?<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Yeah, she&#8217;ll be fine. I can always give her a bottle since we&#8217;re in the nursery.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No. I read in the book about nipple confusion.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Oh, good. You know everything.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> She&#8217;s just, she&#8217;s really tentative about latching, and I just, I want to keep her self-esteem up.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Well, I&#8217;ll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Alright.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Alright.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> It&#8217;s going to be alright.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Maybe it&#8217;ll be good because then she can like socialize with the other babies.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ha ha. No, yeah, that will be good. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> [in Michael&#8217;s office] You wanted to see me?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> What would you say, if I told you that I was about to change your life?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Oh, boy! &#8230; What&#8217;s that sound?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> [as he appears from behind the door] Ta-da!<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yes!<br /> <b>Erin:</b> I don&#8217;t know what to say.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Oh, say nothing. You will learn to love me.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got to let the cookies cool before you pop &#8217;em in your mouth. Why don&#8217;t you guys get to know each other? Maybe have lunch together?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Erin, would you have lunch with me?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Good!<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yes!<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Michael, could I talk to you privately?<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Sure. Kevin, please leave.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Bye.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Bye.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> I&#8217;m so sorry if I gave you the impression I&#8217;m into Kevin, but I&#8217;m not. I like Andy.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay. This is going to kill Kevin.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> I&#8217;m sure he&#8217;ll be fine.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> I&#8217;m not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was seventeen. Had some problems, blah blah blah.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Really? </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> No, Kevin doesn&#8217;t have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won&#8217;t kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him&#8230; I bet his heart is enlarged, though. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> I don&#8217;t want anyone to die.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Just don&#8217;t let him sit on you&#8230; I&#8217;m kidding. You&#8217;ll have fun. It&#8217;ll be good. It&#8217;ll be good. There he is. Go to him.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Hi.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Hi.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> She touched my shoulder. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Nurse:</b> Hey, guys. We&#8217;re short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, hi.<br /> <b>Kathy:</b> Hi.<br /> <b>Dale:</b> Hi, so sorry.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Careful&#8230; Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I know.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You see that? I&#8217;m pretty sure she&#8217;s&#8230; Hi. </div>
<div class="quote"> [Dwight and friends continue to destroy the Halperts&#8217; kitchen with hammers] </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> Did you grow up around here? <br /> <b>Kevin:</b> No.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yes. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha, well, in college, I took a botony class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh, kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botony class. And then, uh, they would say things like &#8220;Oh, this guy&#8217;s going to fail this class,&#8221; or, &#8220;What&#8217;s this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?&#8221; And then I would jump out of them and confront them, and be like, &#8220;Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted.&#8221; &#8230; Oh, the reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and&#8230; I was jealous. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Hospital employee:</b> Uh, hi, Pam Halpert?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yes?<br /> <b>Hospital employee:</b> Hi. I&#8217;m Clark. Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Um, yeah, that would be great.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yup. Really great. When&#8217;s she available?<br /> <b>Clark:</b> Actually, uh, I&#8217;m the consultant. Got milk? Ha ha. Alright, let&#8217;s see what we&#8217;re working with.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> So, uh, biggest thing, besides not being able to get her to latch&#8230;<br /> <b>Clark:</b> I&#8217;ll get that for you.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, thank you. Is that um, I can&#8217;t tell if I&#8217;m really producing. I don&#8217;t know if she&#8217;s getting anything.<br /> <b>Clark:</b> Okay. Let me feel here.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Clark:</b> Yeah, it&#8217;s quite full. Why don&#8217;t you put your hand on top of my hand.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Clark:</b> When you&#8217;re feeding, you want to press in like this, make your hand in a C. Uh, does that hurt?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, I mean, it feels&#8230; pressure.<br /> <b>Clark:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Are you sure it doesn&#8217;t hurt?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No. It just feels like pressure.<br /> <b>Clark:</b> Okay, well. Feel how I&#8217;m flicking the nipple? Like that?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yup.<br /> <b>Clark:</b> Stimulate it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Clark:</b> Alright, so you just want to do that, and that will, uh&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Perfect.<br /> <b>Clark:</b> And you can just&#8230; The baby should grab on to that.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> I think she will.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay. So, I&#8217;m just not sure if I&#8217;m releasing, though. I&#8217;m not sure if&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> We&#8217;ll figure it out.<br /> <b>Clark:</b> It doesn&#8217;t&#8230; Why don&#8217;t you bring your baby over here&#8230; She&#8217;s beautiful.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay. Aw, thank you.<br /> <b>Clark:</b> Yes, congratulations.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Thank you.<br /> <b>Clark:</b> Well, you&#8217;re doing a good job. Just stay relaxed, and I&#8217;ll come back in a bit to check on you. Okay?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Please do.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, shoot. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> What?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Shoot, she fell off.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Oh, uh, try the torpedo thing.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Will you just, will you grab Clark real quick?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> No need. I saw him do it. I can try it.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Um, Jim, please, please, please, I think it&#8217;d be weird if you did it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay, I&#8217;ll just go get the other guy. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> [on the phone] Hey, what&#8217;s up, kid?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I&#8217;ve prepared for you?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Nothing left to do except dot the I&#8217;s, the J&#8217;s, and the umlauts. Why don&#8217;t you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?<br /> <b>Angela:</b> I look forward to it.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Very well.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Goodbye. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Pam:</b> [trying to sleep as the baby cries] Jim, Jim, get her.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hmm?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Get the baby. Get her. Come on.<br /> <b> Jim:</b> Okay. Sshh. I know. [hands the baby to Pam]<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I got her. Okay. Okay. Okay&#8230; Jim! She latched! She latched. <br /> <b>Jim:</b> That&#8217;s amazing.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, my God. I didn&#8217;t even have to do the &#8220;C thing.&#8221;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> That&#8217;s awesome.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Aw, we&#8217;re doing it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> that&#8217;s great.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> We&#8217;re really parents now.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Mm-hmm. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> Kevin. Erin would like a few words with you.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Hi.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> I have really enjoyed our time together.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah, me too.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> I want to continue working on our friendship.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Really, really fun.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah, me too.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> And, you&#8217;re my friend.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> And I hope that I&#8217;m your friend&#8230; And, maybe&#8230;<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Oh, my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> You said she liked me.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin. And I&#8217;m surprised that you didn&#8217;t question me in the first place.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> I&#8217;ve dumped better than Erin.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> No.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Lynn was as hot as Erin.<br /> <b>Kevin:</b> Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> This isn&#8217;t about me, and that is debatable. And I have a personality, where as you&#8230; Yes, Andy?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> [he hits his head on the desk after ducking out of the way from hiding behind a plant] Ow.<br /> <b>Michael:</b> Kev&#8230; Nice. Going.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Well&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Isabelle:</b> Knock knock.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, hey, Isabelle.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Hey.<br /> <b>Isabelle:</b> Hey. Pam, she&#8217;s gorgeous. Can I hold her?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Yes. She was a little fussy earlier, but she&#8217;s totally quieted down. Here, let me just, uh, let me just burp her. I don&#8217;t want her to spit up on you. Come here, sweety&#8230; Oh, my God! Wrong baby!<br /> <b>Jim:</b> What?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Wrong baby! This is not our baby! Sshh.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Okay, okay.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, my gosh.<br /> <b>Kathy:</b> [waking up] Oh,has she been fussing long?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> No, not at all.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Perfect.<br /> <b>Kathy:</b> I was out like a light&#8230; Oh, she&#8217;s not hungry&#8230;<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> How&#8217;s it going?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Well, I feel like she needs to eat, but she won&#8217;t latch on, which is weird, because the other baby di&#8230;<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Ha ha ha.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles. So are you excited to bring your baby home?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> We definitely are. At 3:00, right? You said we could stay until 3:00?<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Yeah, you can. It&#8217;s 2:35.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Half hour.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Twenty five minutes. And you&#8217;re all set with the car seat?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Yes, car seat&#8217;s right there.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> That bottom part needs to go in the car.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.<br /> <b>Nurse:</b> Ha ha, be back in twenty five minutes.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Or it could be a half hour, if you need it to be&#8230; Can we get a late checkout? I don&#8217;t&#8230; I don&#8217;t think she heard me. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Isabelle:</b> [entering the Halpert house] Hello? Dwight? What, what are you doing here?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Isabelle. Hello&#8230; Yeah, the uh, kitchen was disgusting, so&#8230;<br /> <b>Isabelle:</b> Wow, ha. New cabinets.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Yup.<br /> <b>Isabelle:</b> All I did was bring macaroni and cheese&#8230; Where&#8217;s the fridge?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Oh, it&#8217;s&#8230; In the backyard. I&#8217;ll take this.<br /> <b>Isabelle:</b> Oh&#8230; Well, I&#8217;ll let you get back to it.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Hey, listen. I know that I&#8217;m an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun.<br /> <b>Isabelle:</b> Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too.<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Are they now? Ha ha, how some people spend their money, right? Ha ha.<br /> <b>Isabelle:</b> Yeah&#8230;<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Alright. I&#8217;ll call you, kid.<br /> <b>Isabelle:</b> Do that. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Jim:</b> Are you really sure we should be leaving?<br /> <b>Hospital employee:</b> Yeah.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> But you hear the baby crying, right?<br /> <b>Hospital employee:</b> Mm-hmm&#8230; Where&#8217;s your car?<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Uh, it&#8217;s in the lot.<br /> <b>Hospital employee:</b> Oh, a lot of fathers bring their car around.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Right, okay. Yes, that would be the smart thing to do. Uh, Pam, I will be right back.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay, please hurry. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> Erin, uh, I need you to send this fax immediately. It&#8217;s really important, so I&#8217;m going to stand here and wait for the confirmation.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Okay, good. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Andy:</b> The fax says &#8220;Erin, will you have dinner with me?&#8221; from Andy, and the number is our office fax number. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Erin:</b> It&#8217;s busy. Why don&#8217;t I keep trying, and then I&#8217;ll give you the confirmation in a bit?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Sorry, that&#8217;s unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you&#8217;re fired.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> [tearing up] You can&#8217;t talk to me like that. I didn&#8217;t do anything wrong. I&#8217;ve been having a tough day today.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Oh, God, no. I&#8217;m&#8230; Just read the fax.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> You read the fax.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> I&#8217;m&#8230; I&#8217;m asking you out.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Oh, my God. That&#8217;s amazing. Let me just fax this, and I&#8217;ll check my planner.<br /> <b>Andy:</b> So, it&#8217;s a date.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Yes. Do you have a day in mind?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Yeah, what day? What day?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Everyday is fine. Or&#8230;<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Well, that, what&#8217;s that one?<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Thursday?<br /> <b>Andy:</b> Okay. Let&#8217;s do it.<br /> <b>Erin:</b> Okay. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Hospital employee:</b> Would you like me to help you up out of the chair?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Oh, yeah, sorry.<br /> <b>Hospital employee:</b> Yeah, we just got a lot of discharges today.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Okay, alright, thanks&#8230; Okay, do you want to eat? You want to try eating? Okay&#8230; Okay, let me&#8230; Just you and me. Come on. There we go&#8230; Yeah&#8230; Oh, yeah. Like that. There we go. You got it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> Five tickets on the windshield&#8230; Hey.<br /> <b>Pam:</b> Hi. We did it.<br /> <b>Jim:</b> You used my move, didn&#8217;t you?<br /> <b>Pam:</b> I used a variation of your move. </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Michael:</b> [smoking a cigar] There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today&#8230; I think I&#8217;m going to be sick&#8230; </div>
<div class="quote"> <b>Dwight:</b> Two forms of ID, please.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> And now you, two forms of ID, please&#8230; Alright, all is in order. I just need your signature&#8230; What is it?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Nothing.<br /> <b>Angela:</b> Alright. How would you like to celebrate?<br /> <b>Dwight:</b> Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick&#8230; [Jim and Pam walk in to their house with the baby] I couldn&#8217;t find the iPod&#8230; Give me a couple days. I&#8217;ll be out of your hair. </div>
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<aside id="text-7" class="widget widget_text"> <div class="textwidget"><p><u><b>Main</b></u></p>
<p><a href="/">Home</a><br />
<a href="/contactMe.php">Contact Me</a><br />
<a href="/topQuotes.php">Top Quotes</a><br />
<a href="/fanLove.php">Fan Love</a><br />
<a href="/specialThanks.php">Special Thanks</a><br />
<a href="/linksPage.php">Links</a></p>
<p><u><b>Season I</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no1-01.php">Pilot</a><br />
02. <a href="/no1-02.php">Diversity Day</a><br />
03. <a href="/no1-03.php">Health Care</a><br />
04. <a href="/no1-04.php">The Alliance</a><br />
05. <a href="/no1-05.php">Basketball</a><br />
06. <a href="/no1-06.php">Hot Girl</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season II</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no2-01.php">The Dundies</a><br />
02. <a href="/no2-02.php">Sexual Harassment</a><br />
03. <a href="/no2-03.php">Office Olympics</a><br />
04. <a href="/no2-04.php">The Fire</a><br />
05. <a href="/no2-05.php">Halloween</a><br />
06. <a href="/no2-06.php">The Fight</a><br />
07. <a href="/no2-07.php">The Client</a><br />
08. <a href="/no2-08.php">Performance Review</a><br />
09. <a href="/no2-09.php">E-mail Surveillance</a><br />
10. <a href="/no2-10.php">Christmas Party</a><br />
11. <a href="/no2-11.php">Booze Cruise</a><br />
12. <a href="/no2-12.php">The Injury</a><br />
13. <a href="/no2-13.php">The Secret</a><br />
14. <a href="/no2-14.php">The Carpet</a><br />
15. <a href="/no2-15.php">Boys and Girls</a><br />
16. <a href="/no2-16.php">Valentine&#8217;s Day</a><br />
17. <a href="/no2-17.php">Dwight&#8217;s Speech</a><br />
18. <a href="/no2-18.php">Take Your Daughter to Work Day</a><br />
19. <a href="/no2-19.php">Michael&#8217;s Birthday</a><br />
20. <a href="/no2-20.php">Drug Testing</a><br />
21. <a href="/no2-21.php">Conflict Resolution</a><br />
22. <a href="/no2-22.php">Casino Night</a></p>
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<p><u><b>Season III</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no3-01.php">Gay Witch Hunt</a><br />
02. <a href="/no3-02.php">The Convention</a><br />
03. <a href="/no3-03.php">The Coup</a><br />
04. <a href="/no3-04.php">Grief Counseling</a><br />
05. <a href="/no3-05.php">Initiation</a><br />
06. <a href="/no3-06.php">Diwali</a><br />
07. <a href="/no3-07.php">Branch Closing</a><br />
08. <a href="/no3-08.php">The Merger</a><br />
09. <a href="/no3-09.php">The Convict</a><br />
10. <a href="/no3-10.php">A Benihana Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no3-11.php">Back From Vacation</a><br />
12. <a href="/no3-12.php">Traveling Salesmen</a><br />
13. <a href="/no3-13.php">The Return</a><br />
14. <a href="/no3-14.php">Ben Franklin</a><br />
15. <a href="/no3-15.php">Phyllis&#8217; Wedding</a><br />
16. <a href="/no3-16.php">Business School</a><br />
17. <a href="/no3-17.php">Cocktails</a><br />
18. <a href="/no3-18.php">The Negotiation</a><br />
19. <a href="/no3-19.php">Safety Training</a><br />
20. <a href="/no3-20.php">Product Recall</a><br />
21. <a href="/no3-21.php">Women&#8217;s Appreciation</a><br />
22. <a href="/no3-22.php">Beach Games</a><br />
23. <a href="/no3-23.php">The Job</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IV</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no4-01.php">Fun Run</a><br />
02. <a href="/no4-02.php">Dunder Mifflin Infinity</a><br />
03. <a href="/no4-03.php">Launch Party</a><br />
04. <a href="/no4-04.php">Money</a><br />
05. <a href="/no4-05.php">Local Ad</a><br />
06. <a href="/no4-06.php">Branch Wars</a><br />
07. <a href="/no4-07.php">Survivor Man</a><br />
08. <a href="/no4-08.php">The Deposition</a><br />
09. <a href="/no4-09.php">Dinner Party</a><br />
10. <a href="/no4-10.php">Chair Model</a><br />
11. <a href="/no4-11.php">Night Out</a><br />
12. <a href="/no4-12.php">Did I Stutter?</a><br />
13. <a href="/no4-13.php">Job Fair</a><br />
14. <a href="/no4-14.php">Goodbye Toby</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season V</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no5-01.php">Weight Loss</a><br />
02. <a href="/no5-02.php">Business Ethics</a><br />
03. <a href="/no5-03.php">Baby Shower</a><br />
04. <a href="/no5-04.php">Crime Aid</a><br />
05. <a href="/no5-05.php">Employee Transfer</a><br />
06. <a href="/no5-06.php">Customer Survey</a><br />
07. <a href="/no5-07.php">Business Trip</a><br />
08. <a href="/no5-08.php">Frame Toby</a><br />
09. <a href="/no5-09.php">The Surplus</a><br />
10. <a href="/no5-10.php">Moroccan Christmas</a><br />
11. <a href="/no5-11.php">The Duel</a><br />
12. <a href="/no5-12.php">Prince Family Paper</a><br />
13. <a href="/no5-13.php">Stress Relief</a><br />
14. <a href="/no5-14.php">Lecture Circuit 1</a><br />
15. <a href="/no5-15.php">Lecture Circuit 2</a><br />
16. <a href="/no5-16.php">Blood Drive</a><br />
17. <a href="/no5-17.php">Golden Ticket</a><br />
18. <a href="/no5-18.php">New Boss</a><br />
19. <a href="/no5-19.php">Two Weeks</a><br />
20. <a href="/no5-20.php">Dream Team</a><br />
21. <a href="/no5-21.php">Michael Scott Paper Company</a><br />
22. <a href="/no5-22.php">Heavy Competition</a><br />
23. <a href="/no5-23.php">Broke</a><br />
24. <a href="/no5-24.php">Casual Friday</a><br />
25. <a href="/no5-25.php">Cafe Disco</a><br />
26. <a href="/no5-26.php">Company Picnic</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VI</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no6-01.php">Gossip</a><br />
02. <a href="/no6-02.php">The Meeting</a><br />
03. <a href="/no6-03.php">The Promotion</a><br />
04. <a href="/no6-04.php">Niagara</a><br />
05. <a href="/no6-05.php">Mafia</a><br />
06. <a href="/no6-06.php">The Lover</a><br />
07. <a href="/no6-07.php">Koi Pond</a><br />
08. <a href="/no6-08.php">Double Date</a><br />
09. <a href="/no6-09.php">Murder</a><br />
10. <a href="/no6-10.php">Shareholder Meeting</a><br />
11. <a href="/no6-11.php">Scott&#8217;s Tots</a><br />
12. <a href="/no6-12.php">Secret Santa</a><br />
13. <a href="/no6-13.php">The Banker</a><br />
14. <a href="/no6-14.php">Sabre</a><br />
15. <a href="/no6-15.php">Manager and Salesman</a><br />
16. <a href="/no6-16.php">The Delivery</a><br />
17. <a href="/no6-17.php">St. Patrick&#8217;s Day</a><br />
18. <a href="/no6-18.php">New Leads</a><br />
19. <a href="/no6-19.php">Happy Hour</a><br />
20. <a href="/no6-20.php">Secretary&#8217;s Day</a><br />
21. <a href="/no6-21.php">Body Language</a><br />
22. <a href="/no6-22.php">The Cover-Up</a><br />
23. <a href="/no6-23.php">The Chump</a><br />
24. <a href="/no6-24.php">Whistleblower</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no7-01.php">Nepotism</a><br />
02. <a href="/no7-02.php">Counseling</a><br />
03. <a href="/no7-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Play</a><br />
04. <a href="/no7-04.php">Sex Ed</a><br />
05. <a href="/no7-05.php">The Sting</a><br />
06. <a href="/no7-06.php">Costume Contest</a><br />
07. <a href="/no7-07.php">Christening</a><br />
08. <a href="/no7-08.php">Viewing Party</a><br />
09. <a href="/no7-09.php">WUPHF.com</a><br />
10. <a href="/no7-10.php">China</a><br />
11. <a href="/no7-11.php">Classy Christmas</a><br />
12. <a href="/no7-12.php">Ultimatum</a><br />
13. <a href="/no7-13.php">The Seminar</a><br />
14. <a href="/no7-14.php">The Search</a><br />
15. <a href="/no7-15.php">PDA</a><br />
16. <a href="/no7-16.php">Threat Level Midnight</a><br />
17. <a href="/no7-17.php">Todd Packer</a><br />
18. <a href="/no7-18.php">Garage Sale</a><br />
19. <a href="/no7-19.php">Trainin Day</a><br />
20. <a href="/no7-20.php">Michael&#8217;s Last Dundies</a><br />
21. <a href="/no7-21.php">Goodbye Michael</a><br />
22. <a href="/no7-22.php">The Inner Circle</a><br />
23. <a href="/no7-23.php">Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager</a><br />
24. <a href="/no7-24.php">Search Committee</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season VIII</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no8-01.php">The List</a><br />
02. <a href="/no8-02.php">The Incentive</a><br />
03. <a href="/no8-03.php">Lotto</a><br />
04. <a href="/no8-04.php">Garden Party</a><br />
05. <a href="/no8-05.php">Spooked</a><br />
06. <a href="/no8-06.php">Doomsday</a><br />
07. <a href="/no8-07.php">Pam&#8217;s Replacement</a><br />
08. <a href="/no8-08.php">Gettysburg</a><br />
09. <a href="/no8-09.php">Mrs. California</a><br />
10. <a href="/no8-10.php">Christmas Wishes</a><br />
11. <a href="/no8-11.php">Trivia</a><br />
12. <a href="/no8-12.php">Pool Party</a><br />
13. <a href="/no8-13.php">Jury Duty</a><br />
14. <a href="/no8-14.php">Special Project</a><br />
15. <a href="/no8-15.php">Tallahasse</a><br />
16. <a href="/no8-16.php">After Hours</a><br />
17. <a href="/no8-17.php">Test the Store</a><br />
18. <a href="/no8-18.php">Last Day In Florida</a><br />
19. <a href="/no8-19.php">Get The Girl</a><br />
20. <a href="/no8-20.php">Welcome Party</a><br />
21. <a href="/no8-21.php">Angry Andy</a><br />
22. <a href="/no8-22.php">Fundraiser</a><br />
23. <a href="/no8-23.php">Turf War</a><br />
24. <a href="/no8-24.php">Free Family Portrait Studio</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Season IX</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p>01. <a href="/no9-01.php">New Guys</a><br />
02. <a href="/no9-02.php">Roy&#8217;s Wedding</a><br />
03. <a href="/no9-03.php">Andy&#8217;s Ancestry</a><br />
04. <a href="/no9-04.php">Work Bus</a><br />
05. <a href="/no9-05.php">Here Comes Treble</a><br />
06. <a href="/no9-06.php">The Boat</a><br />
07. <a href="/no9-07.php">The Whale</a><br />
08. <a href="/no9-08.php">The Target</a><br />
09. <a href="/no9-09.php">Dwight Christmas</a><br />
10. <a href="/no9-10.php">Lice</a><br />
11. <a href="/no9-11.php">Suit Warehouse</a><br />
12. <a href="/no9-12.php">Customer Loyalty</a><br />
13. <a href="/no9-13.php">Junior Salesman</a><br />
14. <a href="/no9-14.php">Vandalism</a><br />
15. <a href="/no9-15.php">Couples Discount</a><br />
16. <a href="/no9-16.php">Moving On</a><br />
17. <a href="/no9-17.php">The Farm</a><br />
18. <a href="/no9-18.php">Promos</a><br />
19. <a href="/no9-19.php">Stairmageddon</a><br />
20. <a href="/no9-20.php">Paper Airplane</a><br />
21. <a href="/no9-21.php">Livin&#8217; The Dream</a><br />
22. <a href="/no9-22.php">A.A.R.M</a><br />
23. <a href="/no9-23.php">Finale</a></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><u><b>Other</b></u></p>
<div class="spacer"></div>
<p><a href="/webisodes.php">Webisodes &#8211; The Accountants</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-kevinsLoan.php">Webisodes &#8211; Kevin&#8217;s Loan</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-subtleSexuality.php">Webisodes &#8211; Subtle Sexuality</a><br />
<a href="/webisodes-the3rdfloor.php">Webisodes &#8211; The 3rd floor</a><br />
<a href="/creedThoughts.php">Creed Thoughts</a><br />
<a href="/schruteSpace.php">Schrute Space</a></p>
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