Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley laughs] Dwight dwight It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird. Jim jim Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- [opens drawer full of meatballs] Dwight dwight You've been meatballed! [laughs] Stanley stanley Ugh. Dwight dwight Are you ready for some meatball? Stanley stanley Aw, man. [Stanley laughs] This is not very clever, Jim. Dwight dwight I know. Jim jim Look for your stapler! Stanley stanley [Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball] Really Jim? Really? Very funny. Dwight dwight [to Phyllis] Oh okay. Good night. [climbs in to Dwight's car] What's the haul? Stanley stanley Thirty-two meatballs. Dwight dwight Good day. Stanley stanley That idiot's been feeding us for a week. Dwight dwight We'll never have to buy meatballs again. Stanley stanley [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that's so great to hear. Erin erin I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I've learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine. Erin erin I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay. Erin erin Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom. Andy andy My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but... Andy andy [Robert is looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though. Jim jim Oh, who needs a house that size? Oscar oscar Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait. Dwight dwight I'm selling the house, actually. Robert robert You know, there's a glare from over here... oh wow, that's magnificent. Jim jim It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. [Jim laughs] Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim? Robert robert I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke. Jim jim What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard? Robert robert I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing. Jim jim Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it. Robert robert Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here. Andy andy A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day. Robert robert Well, please tell Susan we all say hi. Andy andy Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? [Robert laughs] Kevin kevin Kevin, no. Oscar oscar What, as some sort of last hoorah? Robert robert Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it. Kevin kevin You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food. Robert robert Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me? Kevin kevin That was you, Kevin. Oscar oscar It was me. Kevin kevin You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift. Meredith meredith Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever. Erin erin It's no problem. You live right near me. Meredith meredith How do you know where I live? Erin erin Andy followed you home after the Christmas party. Meredith meredith Why? Erin erin He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you. Meredith meredith Oh. Come on. Erin erin Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks] Erin erin [sticks a hand in the pool] Oh, it is warm. Angela angela It's almost too warm. Cathy cathy I'm feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half. Gabe gabe Oh, so close. Eighty-one. Ryan ryan [to Cathy] Well, we'll say its eight-two and it'll be our secret. Gabe gabe [to Jim] Hey, late guy. Cathy cathy Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party. Jim jim Oh. Andy andy DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight. Jim jim You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine. Jim jim Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way. Jim jim You should see the whole thing. Robert robert I bet I should. [takes cell phone photo] That's beautiful, I'm going to email that to you. Jim jim I'm just about to give the tour. Robert robert All right- Jim jim Join us. You must see what you were laughing about. Robert robert I must... Jim jim [looks at pool] Wow. Jessica jessica [hides ring] Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage. Andy andy [sees Andy's hand in his pocket] What are you doing? Jessica jessica Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. [they both laugh] Andy andy Gross. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything? Jessica jessica No, I'm good. Andy andy [runs to Andy] Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi. Erin erin Hi. Andy andy How is everything? How's your car? Erin erin It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage. Andy andy Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain? Erin erin Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes. Andy andy Oh, like a goodbye trip. Erin erin No. What? Andy andy Hey. Jessica jessica Hi. Erin erin I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him. Erin erin Val. You made it. Darryl darryl Yup, yup. Val val Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that? Darryl darryl You know, you are just as dumb at night. Val val Mmm. [they clink cups] Darryl darryl All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath. Andy andy No, show me. Jessica jessica Okay. Andy andy Dive in right here. Jessica jessica In a minute. In a minute. Andy andy Okay. You don't know what you're doing. Jessica jessica A minute would be cool. Andy andy Hey, Dwight Snoot. Erin erin What- Dwight dwight What you doing? Erin erin I'm relaxing. Scram. [pushes her] Dwight dwight Ow. Erin erin Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants? Andy andy I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them. Stanley stanley Where... [finds pants, looks for ring] Andy andy Come on, don't you want to play? Erin erin Oh really? Dwight dwight Yeah. Erin erin Yeah, you want to play you little hick? [kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams] Dwight dwight Whoa. Kevin kevin Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight! Angela angela Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio. Robert robert [sees wine collection] Holy cow! Oscar oscar Wine collection. Robert robert How many bottles? Three hundred? Oscar oscar [laughs] About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers. Robert robert Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine. Oscar oscar Well, and you have a... yes, a- d- another chateau. Toby toby Robert, you are too kind. Ryan ryan Oh. Robert robert Too kind doesn't begin to cover it. Gabe gabe With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me. Ryan ryan And Gabe-y makes three. Gabe gabe Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night's been magical. Jim jim Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it. Robert robert Really? Why? Jim jim I don't know. Maybe not. Just come. Robert robert [Dwight dunks her] Oh! Erin erin [laughs] You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh? Dwight dwight Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous. Erin erin I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. [he picks her up] Dwight dwight [giggles] Oh Dwight! Erin erin [giggles] Stop. Erin erin You stop. Dwight dwight No, you stop. Erin erin No, you stop. Dwight dwight [to camera] Is he looking? [shakes her head] Oh. You can stop. Erin erin Okay, you can stop. Dwight dwight No, no, no, he's not looking. Erin erin No, you can stop. Dwight dwight You can actually stop. Erin erin Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this? Kelly kelly The main stone's missing. Meredith meredith I don't know. It looks pretty great to me. Kelly kelly I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan. Robert robert Good night. Jim jim [raises wine bottle] To the kitchen! Oscar oscar To the kitchen! All all To the kitchen. Onward! Robert robert Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right? Oscar oscar Note? It's a symphony. Toby toby Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club. Oscar oscar I would love that. Toby toby Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right? Toby toby [to Val] You know, I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it. Darryl darryl You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice. Meredith meredith You in? Val val Yeah, sure, sure. I'll be right in. Darryl darryl I've been working out. But, the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage. Darryl darryl [he and Erin feed each other chips] Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that's so good. Ah... Dwight dwight Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end. Erin erin Damn it. Dwight dwight What is the most romantic possible thing? Erin erin We can get some chicken fights going in the pool. Dwight dwight Dwight, that's just- that's really perfect. Thank you. Erin erin Yes! [they high five and jump in the pool] Both both You're in my way! Angela angela Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all. Erin erin Chicken fight! Dwight dwight No thanks. Andy andy Dang it! What the heck already? Erin erin Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight! Dwight dwight Okay, yeah. Who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim? Cathy cathy I'm right here! [gets in pool] Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath. Kevin kevin Yeah- oh! Dwight dwight [knocks Cathy off Kevin's shoulders] Yes! Woo! Erin erin Woohoo! Yes! Dwight dwight Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together. Erin erin I know. I could just bang you right now. Dwight dwight He's not looking. [Dwight dumps her in the pool] Hey! Erin erin I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears. Robert robert To both these bears. Jim jim To both these bears. Ryan ryan Bears. Toby toby To both these bears. Oscar oscar When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden [bleep] Pond. Robert robert I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema. Ryan ryan Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables. Gabe gabe Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found. Andy andy Yeah, thanks. I'm really glad I found it. Kelly kelly I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all? Andy andy Shh. Of course I'm superstitious. What are you talking about? Kelly kelly The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly? Andy andy Oh, I don't think you're being silly. Phyllis phyllis Oh God. [takes off ring] Kelly kelly You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund. Andy andy [snatches ring] Then another woman will get it. We can't allow that. We have to destroy it. Phyllis phyllis [to Andy] Come on. Let's chicken fight those two. Jessica jessica [comes up from under water] How was that? Val val Okay. Watch my toes. [does hand stand] Kevin kevin Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking. Darryl darryl No, I'm good. Thank you. Val val Cool. Darryl darryl Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim? Val val That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim. Kevin kevin [knocks Erin off Dwight's shoulders] Yes! Jessica jessica Yeah! Andy andy [to Erin] Maybe we should take a little break. Dwight dwight Dwight, we've got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what. Erin erin Okay. Dwight dwight One more? Erin erin Yeah! Andy andy Yeah! Great! [others cheer and clap] Jessica jessica Mush, mush, mush! Come on! Erin erin Go! Dwight dwight Go! Okay. Yeah. Erin erin Here we go! [knocks Erin over] Yes! Jessica jessica Yay! [Erin comes back up] Whoa! Andy andy Wow! Kevin kevin I cannot believe you're still up! Andy andy I cannot believe it either. Jessica jessica I've got this! [Dwight gasps] Charge! Go! Go! [Dwight sinks] Erin erin [muffled] Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it- Andy andy [coughs up water] Erin, did we win? Dwight dwight Sure. Sure we did. Erin erin You're lying. We didn't win. Dwight dwight Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It's okay. Just rest. Just rest. Erin erin You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. [Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat] Kelly kelly We're in the pool! Angela angela Shut it, Angela. Meredith meredith Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday. Dwight dwight Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday. Andy andy I know. [laughs] But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation. Dwight dwight Mmm. Andy andy So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin. Dwight dwight Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me. Andy andy Not what I asked. Dwight dwight We're done. Erin and I are over. Andy andy So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex. Dwight dwight Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out. Andy andy [sighs] You're an idiot. Dwight dwight Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! [Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles] Kevin kevin Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Erin erin No! Kevin kevin Oh I've got him! Val val Cannonball! [jumps in pool] Let's do this! Darryl darryl [Erin swims up with ring] Wow. Andy andy So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours. Erin erin Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine? Andy andy The Bernard family seal. Duh. Erin erin Duh. Andy andy Sorry if your special night was ruined. Erin erin Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night. Andy andy Oh, you weren't going to do that? Erin erin Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you. Andy andy Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused. Erin erin And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness. Robert robert To madness. Jim jim To madness. Ryan ryan To madness. [Robert laughs] Toby toby To madness. Meredith meredith Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van? Jim jim Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl. Meredith meredith Are you serious? Jim jim Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man. Ryan ryan And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like. Gabe gabe [Toby pours wine into Oscar's mouth] Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine! Oscar oscar And I am Bacchus's friend! Toby toby Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him] Robert robert Yes! Woohoo! Bravo! All all And there's my talking point. Jim jim Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going. Robert robert Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave. Ryan ryan So leave. Gabe gabe Two pools. A divider. A bridge. Good choice. It says everything about everything, right Robert? Ryan ryan What's the water like? Kathy kathy Nice. Darryl darryl Oh, it is warm. Angela angela Robert's house is, well....I don't mean to sound offensive, but it's like where a basketball player would live. Phyllis phyllis Oh, Dwight. Erin erin Uh huh. Dwight dwight That feels so good! Erin erin Yeah....baby. Dwight dwight [grunting] Hey, Andy. Erin erin Hey. Andy andy Dwight gives the best back massages. Erin erin Yeah, it sounds like it. Andy andy Hey, have you ever been checked for scoliosis? Dwight dwight I don't know, why don't you check me Dr. Shrute. [laughing] Erin erin No, seriously. Your spine is jacked. It's like the devil's cursive. Dwight dwight You mean more like dangerous curves... Erin erin You'd be like 8 feet tall if this thing was straightened out...[pushes Erin back to floor] Dwight dwight Ow! Erin erin You date a guy, you find out he was engaged to your coworker so you throw cake at him. It's over. You start liking him again so you ask him out with a puppet show. He says no. Then he follows you home to make sure that you don't kiss somebody. Then he ignores you at a pool party? Am I right ladies? Erin erin [Erin helps Dwight stretch his inner thighs] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oooooh, yeah. Dwight dwight You guys ready? Jessica jessica Bring it on guys. Andy andy Yeah... Dwight dwight Let's go before I vomit. [Erin and Dwight enter pool] Andy andy Ready? Dwight dwight I'm ready. Erin erin Whoo! Jessica jessica Alright! Here we go. Andy andy Ok. Erin erin RAHHH!!!!!!! Dwight dwight Yeah, come on! Jessica jessica Get her! Ruin her! [Andy and Jessica beat Dwight and Erin] Dwight dwight Hey! High-five! Andy andy Yeah! Jessica jessica My brother and I were the chicken fight champions of our swim club growing up. I mean, we beat the Strauss twins. Ok, I guess somebody didn't grow up in west Hartford, Connecticut. Jessica jessica This room I liked for the view. I dreamed that I would watch my guests walk to their cars at dawn, their faces flushed with the shame and regret for the choices they made the night before. [laughs] Robert robert I get that. Ryan ryan Beautiful sentiment. Gabe gabe To the shame room! [raises bottle] Jim jim [Robert laughs] I live in this room. Gabe gabe [Toby and Oscar swig from wine bottles] Oh, Mineral-ey. Oscar oscar Mineral-ey. Toby toby