Hey, so this isn't matching up with this...and I'm not sure which one's right. Can you just hunt down the original for me? Jim jim Yes. Me do. Kevin kevin Alright. Jim jim Hey Kev, what were you saying before about the paperwork? Jim jim Me do it now. Go. Stop worry. Kevin kevin Kevin, do you feel OK? Pam pam Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night. Kevin kevin Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital. Pam pam Yeah, alright Kev why don't you come with us? Jim jim No, guys. Oscar oscar No, he's fine. Angela angela He's fine. Oscar oscar He's always been like that. Angela angela No he hasn't. Pam pam I mean, he's gotten worse over the years.... Angela angela He's making a statement. It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin. Oscar oscar You keep think that. Kevin kevin Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say "car no go", and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick? Kevin kevin Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do. Andy andy Thank. Kevin kevin Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we're talking about is...basically the speech equivalent... to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use...but need need for talk talk. Andy andy But save time. More success. Kevin kevin Does it save time though? 'Cause we've been here for about an hour. Jim jim No me fault. Kevin kevin Kevin, at most you're saving a microscopic amount of time. Pam pam Many small time make big time. Kevin kevin What are you gonna do with all this time? Andy andy See world. Kevin kevin Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world. Pam pam K, Kevin, are you saying "See the world"? or "Sea World?" Jim jim See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China. Kevin kevin No, see? Right there, that's the problem with your method. 'Cause I still don't know if you're saying "Sea World" or "see the world," and it's taking a lot of time to explain it. Jim jim Fine, fine. I'll talk normally. Kevin kevin When me President, they see. [Nodding and smiling] They see. Kevin kevin This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet....the Pyramid. [holds up triangle shaped touch pad] Dwight dwight Ooh, why is it shaped like that? Phyllis phyllis So, you can tell your clients: "Unleash the power of the pyramid." Dwight dwight It's huge. How much does it weigh? Pam pam Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, it's barely three pounds. Dwight dwight How much memory does it have without the booster? Ryan ryan Fifty L. Dwight dwight I'm sorry," L"? Ryan ryan How many L to a K? Jim jim You're really going to want the booster. Dwight dwight How on earth are we supposed to sell...? Stanley stanley I'll take five. Jim jim [Andy walks in with ties on his arm] None none Andy, don't make us sell this stupid thing. Phyllis phyllis Oh, no no no no no. This is Dwight's meeting. Andy andy Thank you. Dwight dwight I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties...and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more? [To Oscar] What do you think, C-SPAN? Andy andy ..."C-SPAN"? Oscar oscar Yeah. C-SPAN, cocker spaniel. Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker cause...... Andy andy Is this really the best use of our collective time? Dwight dwight I am still forming a first impression with Robert. Once it is formed, we can all relax. Ok, I'm sorry to hijack your meeting , D dub dog...had to pull rank. Andy andy [to group] OK, let's look at some ties. Dwight dwight Here's how I'm going to help out from now on. I'm going to not care, and I'm going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy's inevitable demise. Dwight dwight [To Oscar] Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night. Dwight dwight Um, D-Dog, you have a message. Erin erin Erin, you don't need to call him that. Pam pam Andy wants us to, P-Dog. Erin erin It's ok E-Dog, just who called? Darryl darryl Justine. She said she's coming by later. Erin erin Your ex-wife? Jim jim Wait, I thought she was a **** and you ******* hated her guts? Kevin kevin [Group murmurs, offended] None none No no no no. I like her. Darryl darryl Well I'm just quoting you. I would never say that about her. I don't know the woman. Kevin kevin Nah man, we get along now. Real well. Darryl darryl Wow. Alright. Can't wait to meet her. Jim jim I'll introduce you. Darryl darryl Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose. But last night we put a lot of that to bed. I can't tell you what I did with my ex wife last night.... I have to sing it. [singing] We took a shower, we were naked. We ska dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Darryl darryl [to Robert California] Hi Dad!...... Ahhh....oh boy. Andy andy Hello, Andy. Excellent tie. Robert robert Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you're here? Erin erin I'd love some coffee. Robert robert I was looking over your projections, and I think we can do better. Robert robert Are you factoring in the... whole national ...economy.... declining and all that? Andy andy Andy, do you know why I chose you? Robert robert I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor....vanilla? Andy andy Vanilla? No no no no. You'll never guess in a million billion years you'll never guess. Robert robert You were saying you chose me.... There was a reason? Andy andy Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set? Robert robert Can I inspire? [laughs] I don't know!.....I don't know. Andy andy [Erin enters with overflowing cup of coffee] None none Oh! Thank you. Uh.... Robert robert Oh, sorry. Erin erin You can just put it down. Robert robert Oh Erin erin [Erin sets cup down and Robert sips it] None none That is very cold. Robert robert Yeah. It's old. [smiling] Erin erin Why would I.....? Robert robert I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said "coffee".... Erin erin Why don't we get Robert a nice hot fresh cup and I will have this. Andy andy Andy, you don't want that. Erin erin I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee. [sips] Mmm.... Andy andy Sorry. Erin erin You like her. Robert robert I do. Andy andy She likes you. Robert robert You know, we've both been into each other at different times and just never really synced up. Now we're in this weird dance.... Andy andy [interrupting] I'm afraid you've lost my interest. Robert robert Let me call you back. Oscar oscar I gotta go. Meredith meredith If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here? Robert robert [Kevin Raises hand] None none Ah... Robert robert This is where we go Kevin kevin [chuckling] Oh, you'd go someplace else. That's not it, that's not the answer. Robert robert It's a answer. Kevin kevin It's a wrong answer. Robert robert There are no wrong answers. Kevin kevin Take a look at where you are, where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at it's birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why? Robert robert Wait....they're terrified? Phyllis phyllis Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I don't know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them "you are welcome." [Applause] Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it. Robert robert You got it. Andy andy Double. Robert robert Done. Andy andy I'm not kidding. Robert robert Neither am I, it's already done. Hah, I'm just kidding, it's going to take some time. Andy andy Double. Robert robert [Andy knocks on Jim's desk] None none Hey. [Andy pushes things aside and sits on top of Jim's desk, kicking things in the process.] Jim jim What's up, guys? Just thought we'd have a little rap session, talk about business...see how things are going? Ahem... Andy andy Why don't you start? Jim jim If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robert...man. What a boss. Just throws down goals, you know? Anyway, how's the sales doubling ...project going? Andy andy Yeah, how are we supposed to do that? We can't just press a magic button. Phyllis phyllis OF course not. There's no magic button. You have to summon that. Andy andy If we could just double our sales, we already would have. You're not making any sense. Stanley stanley He brings up two good points. Do you have any new leads? Any new territories you want us to look into? Maybe have an in with a big client that we can get our foot in the door? Jim jim Dwight, anything? Andy andy We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it they're out of the house. Dwight dwight You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something, what would it look like, what would it be? [Jim raises hand] Tuna. Andy andy New leads, a new territory to look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door... Jim jim Fart..... good Sesh. [gets up] That leg's asleep. Andy andy Hello. I'm looking for Darryl Philbin? Justine justine Don't! oh, you must think...I'm not. I'm using the fax, this isn't, no wait. I'm not supposed to represent the company. Right? There's usually an Erin here. Kevin kevin Ok....? Justine justine So...DARRYL! A GIRL! Kevin kevin [Singing] rub a dub dub...I got scrubbed. 'Sup, darlin'? Everybody, this is Justine. [murmurs of hello from the group] This is Jim and Oscar, everybody. Darryl darryl Hi. Meredith meredith Kevin. Kevin kevin Can we.... go some place private? Justine justine Follow me, I got a space. After you. I've been thinking about you all mornin'. I don't know what you did, I can barely walk today. Darryl darryl D-Bone. There you are. Andy andy Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie...? Lick the spoon? Dwight dwight No, that's ok. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about... Andy andy Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don't see the point. It's so Wall Street. Dwight dwight I know, right? Andy andy Right? Dwight dwight Yeah...um, how is everything? Andy andy Good. Really really good. Dwight dwight Must be a tough time to be a family farm. Andy andy Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back. Dwight dwight Oof. What are you gonna do about that? Andy andy I don't know, what do you mean? Dwight dwight There's gotta be some way you can double your beet sales... Andy andy You wanted the job, the job is yours. Just do the job! [Licks brownie battered finger] And I'll do mine..... walnuts? Dwight dwight No! Kevin kevin Have you seen this? [Hands Pam Parenting magazine] Angela angela Parenting? Yeah. This is Cici's favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies. Pam pam She looks at it when she's on the potty, and she makes the faces. Jim jim Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue? Angela angela I flipped through it. Pam pam So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while you're pregnant? Angela angela Of course. Pam pam We know that. Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk. Would you like to join me? Angela angela That sounds nice. Pam pam Great.[Angela walks away] Angela angela You have a walking buddy. Jim jim I do. Pam pam Thanks for coming in guys. Andy andy You don't have to thank us for coming in, it's our job. Phyllis phyllis Well I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so I'm gonna thank people. Andy andy What's with the blanket? Meredith meredith [Andy removes blanket over table to reveal various items] None none This is what's under the blanket. Andy andy We don't get it. Oscar oscar These are incentives. It's how we're gonna double growth. Now, you're probably all asking yourselves: "Well, how does this work?" Andy andy Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points, and then we redeem those points for prizes. Pam pam You're exactly right and you get a point. Andy andy Oh. [smiling] Pam pam Uh, is that a vibrator? Ryan ryan Twenty points. Andy andy How does one get a point? Meredith meredith I've outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders, but basically you do your job better, you get points. So, collect fifteen points and redeem them for this polar bear. Andy andy Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross. Kelly kelly There's lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, Twenty-two points. Or, you can pool your points and redeem fifty-five for this maternity shirt. Andy andy How 'bout you want us to work harder, pay us more. Stanley stanley I can't. Andy andy This point system is really insulting. Kelly kelly Ooh I didn't mean to offend you, and I hope you'll forgive me because I am very very... Sari. [tosses yellow print material over shoulder] Sixteen points. Andy andy That's a tablecloth. Kelly kelly What if we went all the way up to five hundred points? Jim jim That's a crazy amount of points. Andy andy But, what if? Jim jim Well, what do you want? Andy andy I don't know, for such a crazy number I'd like something pretty crazy. Jim jim Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work. [laughter] Andy andy That's pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points? Jim jim I'll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. [laughter] Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard![Andy points to his rear-end] Andy andy Ooooh! Group group Really? Oscar oscar Alright, alright. And you are totally serious? Jim jim Swear to God, hope to die. Now let's get to work! Andy andy Wait. You did say we could pool our points, right? In that case...let's get to work. Jim jim Yeah! Dwight dwight Yeah! Whoo! [Group cheers] Pam pam [on the phone]I can have it to you by the beginning of next week. Alright? Thanks very much. [hangs up] Uh, Phyllis! Bracken Auto? Jim jim [hands Jim folder] Ask for Donald, Karen's bananas. Phyllis phyllis Ok. Jim jim T-bag bone... Andy andy Andrew. Jim jim Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here? Andy andy No, I didn't notice anything. Jim jim Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years....and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him. Andy andy [On the phone] You've got to unleash the power of the Pyramid! Stanley stanley I don't know what to tell you, man. Jim jim You think it has something to do with that incentive program? Andy andy Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass. Jim jim Bah...I think people thought I was kidding when I said that. Andy andy Nah, you definitely weren't kidding. And that came across loud and clear. Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in. [hands Andy slip of paper] Jim jim Hundred and twenty points. Andy andy Yeah. Big sale. Don't worry about it though, I don't really care about the points. I would like a point receipt though...[on phone] Hey! Yes, this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald...can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much. [gets up to give Erin his point receipt] Jim jim Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman's? Pam pam Yes! [adds receipt to growing pile and thumbs up Andy.] Erin erin [on the phone]and I'm back. How are you sir?....I think we can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right? Jim jim Where's Angela? [Hands paper over her shoulder] Pam pam Hey Kevin, what are you doing? Andy andy Don't talk to me! [Everyone continues to work busily] Kevin kevin [on phone] Hi, Professor Frank, Andy Bernard, class of '95. Hey there, um, I'm a huge fan of your management book, Management. Um, quick question. I may be missing a chapter here...De-Incentivizing. What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to morale...uh why? Well, um I guess you could say I'm in one of those classic ass tattoo incentive situations. [laughs] Andy andy [Erin fills in drawing showing points, crowd cheers and claps] None none Took 'em one day. Andy andy Ready! [flips sketch pad showing tattoo possibilities] "I'm not as think as you drunk I am!" [crowd claps and cheers] Pam pam I like it, I like it! [Pam flips the page] Ryan ryan Do Not Resuscitate...[mild cheering] Pam pam OK, keep in mind, it's not too late to choose another prize and there are some great new additions. My car [nervous laughter] for a thousand points....or best offer. Andy andy What else you got? Phyllis phyllis Oh, and then this was Phyllis's idea...[shocked cheers] So nasty Phyllis! Pam pam We were hoping you could do something like this... Pam pam So, coming out of his butt is a... Tattoo Artist tattoo-artist Baby. Pam pam Baby... Tattoo Artist tattoo-artist Yes. Pam pam Yeah, no problem. Tattoo Artist tattoo-artist We should think about this...does anyone have any better ideas? Andy andy I like what we have. Stanley stanley Looks good. Meredith meredith Yeah. Erin erin For sure. [murmurs from group in agreement] Kevin kevin Just need a second outside. Andy andy Gettin' psyched up? Jim jim Yeah. Andy andy Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this... Jim jim Tunes..what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? ....Confession: I don't know what I'm doing. Andy andy I mean, do you like it? You having fun? [Andy snorts, unsure how to answer] Tell you this, everybody else is having a lot of fun....and you did that. Jim jim My ass is only so big, I mean I can't do this everyday. Andy andy But I think it's big enough to buy you some time till your next great idea....which, by the way, I can't wait for. Jim jim No one expects me to go through with this, right? Andy andy Absolutely not. Jim jim Let's ink...my stink! [crowd cheers] Andy andy My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people. Andy andy [Andy removes his pants] None none Whoa! Group group [lying on table] Do your worst! Andy andy Uh, you can keep your pants on actually...if just drop 'em down a bit, that'd be great. Tattoo Artist tattoo-artist They are already off, my good sir. Andy andy I'd really prefer they not be down. Tattoo Artist tattoo-artist Well, I think down's better. Sweating pretty heavily down there. Andy andy Do you think you could work from this? [showing Tattoo artist sketch pad] we made some small adjustments. Pam pam OK, you want me to... Tattoo Artist tattoo-artist Just a few adjustments Pam pam Alright, let's begin. Tattoo Artist tattoo-artist This is where I grin and be-YOW OW! Andy andy That was just the cotton swab. Tattoo Artist tattoo-artist Invest in softer cotton, sir. [tattooing begins] OW! Oh! Oooh! [Crowd cheers] oh, whoa!! Andy andy Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously, I'm gonna like it. Dwight dwight DRAW SOME BLOOD! Dwight dwight AHHHHH!!!!!!! Andy andy Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him. Robert robert [removes tape to reveal tattoo of puppy] It's a Nard Dog! [group cheers] That's my nickity-name! I love it, I love it! Andy andy Pull up your pants. Jim jim There's something about an underdog that really inspires...the unexceptional. Robert robert Um, what should we talk about? Pam pam Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I'm having. Angela angela Oh yeah, sure. Um, I hope I can help. Pam pam A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant, and I don't know if I should call social services about it. Angela angela Angela, that's pretty transparently me. Pam pam Maybe. Angela angela You know it's just herbal tea. Pam pam In mugs with trace amounts of coffee! Angela angela Yeah. I think you should call social services. Pam pam I already did. Angela angela You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies and not pretend like we're in this together. Pam pam Fine. Angela angela Fine. Pam pam When you're a kid, you picture a pilot kinda like this [imitates plane noises while steering wildly] But then you learn that's crashing the plane. The right way to do it is more like this. [calmly pulls imaginary steering back and forth] Or better yet, like this. [takes hands off imaginary wheel] Now that I'm manager, I think about that a lot. I let Dwight run the meetings, I let good people do good work and I stay out of the way. Andy andy Which combo do you think Robert's gonna like better? Andy andy Just wear one of your bowties. Phyllis phyllis No! I mean, let him, he should just explore other options... Kelly kelly Bowties, no offense, are a black thing. They're for rappers and NBA players. I cringe when I see Tucker Carlson trying to pull off a bowtie. It's like yeah Tucker, you're so street. Kelly kelly This is combo number seven. Andy andy Hmm, no. All all I don't like that clip. Pam pam You're right, you're right, you're right. Uh! It's so hard to find an occasion for this clip. Andy andy I'd hang on to it though, cause I can think of a bunch. Like a 70's theme party, or a 70's theme meeting, or a 70's theme convention... Jim jim Sure. Andy andy 1870's... Jim jim Thanks T-Dog. Andy andy T-Dog? Ryan ryan I thought I was T-Dog. Toby toby Nope, he means tuna dog. Jim jim Tuna dog! Andy andy I thought the plane was flying pretty well on auto-pilot. And then Robert California ran into the cockpit with a gun and he was like "Fly this plane to Cuba, and on the way bomb Texas" Well I don't know how to get there. Or even how to fly, even. And I don't have any bombs. Andy andy Hey. Maybe it'd help to just talk it over. Over a cup of cool old tea. Erin erin [sighs] Yeah. Andy andy What if you were to just start with your ideas about how to double profits. Just say them all and maybe one of them will rise to the top. Erin erin I don't have any ideas though. Andy andy Well I have an idea. Erin erin You do? Andy andy What if Dunder Mifflin were to take on 15-20 foster kids? You'd get huge checks from the government and honestly they would be ecstatic to live in the warehouse. It would be like Hogwart's. Erin erin Yeah....I don't think that's legal. It's a nice thought though. [Erin hands Andy a gift] What is this? Andy andy I just wanted to say congratulations on your new job, officially. Erin erin You didn't have to do that. [opens box to reveal red mouse cat toy attached to key chain] Andy andy I saw it at the checkout counter, it made me think of you. I don't know why. I made it into a key chain. Erin erin You're the only person who's congratulated me. Andy andy