[on Youtube video] There is nothing wrong, nor will there ever be wrong with any Sabre printers. Case closed. [phone rings, Michael picks it up] Michael Scott, as seen on TV. Michael michael [high-pitched voice] I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener... [normal voice] It's Packer! Todd Packer todd-packer OH! Pack Man, I thought you were a girl! Michael michael Apparently, there are allegations that Sabre printers can cause a fire. So they asked me to give a statement to the press. I'm like, what? All right. So I do it. It's on TV last night. And it's in the paper today. And it's online. And then I call Froggy 98.7, the request line. I talk to the host about it on the air. It's like, come on, people, enough. Michael michael Everybody, we are at DEFCON 5. I am officially the second-most watched clip of the day on the WBRE news site. Michael michael What's number one? Oscar oscar Oh, that teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile. Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again! I would like you all to go to the website and watch my clip eleven times. Michael michael So instead of working, you want... Jim jim Yes. Michael michael Okay. Jim jim Yes. Come on! Get it up! That's what... let's do it! Michael michael Oh, did you see this report that the zoo got a baby otter? It's on the same site! Angela angela Awww, it's kissing its mommy! Phyllis phyllis Please. Michael michael Michael, you have to see, this is like, the cutest thing ever. Dwight dwight Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It's not even that interesting a baby otter, it can't even stand up. [looks toward computer] It's trying to stand up... [choking up] there it goes. Michael michael Howdy. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. Jo jo Jo! We were not expecting you! Michael michael 'Course you all, no doubt, know why I'm here. Jo jo No. Kevin kevin Turns out our printers are famous. They're all over the news. It's an interesting story. Cheap foreign printers attacking innocent Americans. Well, actually the, the real story isn't quite as racy, but uh... let's give it a go. Jo jo Jo, I think that I know what happened. Kevin kevin I'm not sure you do, teddy bear. Jo jo Well, now I think I might not. Kevin kevin Not long ago, we discovered a defect in one of our printers, so we got a software patch and fixed it right up, just like that. I don't know how it works. But just as we were about to send out a letter to our affected customers, giving 'em free toner, and we keep 'em, happy, but somebody here, they liked that first story better. The one where we lose half our clients for no damn good reason! Whoever it was who talked to the press, they should come forward, please. Jo jo Jo, Jo, I can assure you it was no one in this office. Michael michael Can you now? Jo jo Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand. Michael michael [quietly, to Andy] Put your hand up, Norma Rae. Phyllis phyllis If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets. Andy andy So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. [sings] Old Mr. Bernard, old Mr. Bernard, who have you silenced today? Andy andy [as Gabe hands out forms to everyone] It's a little form, says "I did not do it." Jo jo There is no reason for anyone here to sign this, because I know everything there is to know about these people. I know when their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind of cake is, I know what color streamers they like... Michael michael All that's just birthday information, Michael. Jo jo Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture. Michael michael Why don't you come with me? We'll start out with the honcho, what'cha say? Jo jo Okay. Michael michael When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: Jo jo So say we catch this whistleblower, what do you think I should do with him? Jo jo We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep all the al-Qaeda. Michael michael Uh, that's, uh, Guantanamo Bay. Jo jo Yes. You put them in jail for a long time, you put them in jail for as long as you can. Michael michael Well, I guess we're all right, Michael. Jo jo I want these people to really pay, I want them to suffer. I'd prefer it if they died, 'cause it's not right. Michael michael Yeah. Jo jo Okay. Michael michael Hey Dwight. Nick nick Hey, IT guy. Dwight dwight Mind if I get in there for a second? Nick nick Oh, sure thing, go ahead. Dwight dwight Just one... [Dwight pushes Nick's neck to the desk and pushes his arm up] Gah! Ah! Dwight, what the hell? Nick nick Apache persuasion hold, that's the hell! What are you doing to my computer? Dwight dwight The lawyers are searching our hard drives for information on the leak. Thanks a lot, Big Brother. Oscar oscar You're with Big Brother? Okay, go ahead. I got nothing to hide. Dwight dwight Wait, are they searching all our computers? Kevin kevin Yeah. [Kevin runs to his desk] I already got to yours, Kevin. [Kevin runs back] Nick nick No, that's cool. Sometimes... sometimes I run. I'm a runner. Kevin kevin Everybody knows it was Andy, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his big stupid mouth! Angela angela Ridiculous, Angela. And like I'm going to believe one of his spermed lovers. Michael michael Look, he's been complaining about this for a while, it's not crazy. Phyllis phyllis Okay Dwight. Jo jo Hold that thought. I don't want to waste your time, and I wouldn't dare waste mine. I didn't do it. Now, I don't know exactly who did it, but I have a list right here... [hands Jo a piece of paper] You should fire the following people. Dwight dwight Well, I'm inclined to believe you. Jo jo Why would I disparage a company that has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams? Dwight dwight Yeah, I noticed you've had a great year. Good boy... you turning that money into more money? Jo jo Are you referring to alchemy? Dwight dwight I don't like to tell a man what to do with his money, but if you ain't investing in property, then you're dumber than a dummy. Jo jo I'm not dumb. I'm smart. Dwight dwight Well, buy property. That's my advice. Jo jo Is there something that you would like to say to me? Michael michael Uh... Andy andy About talking to the press? Michael michael I, I didn't know. I didn't do that! Andy andy Mmhmm. Michael michael Okay? I, I... didn't do it. Andy andy I don't believe you. Michael michael I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet. Andy andy That's a little much. All right, all right, all right. Michael michael I don't care, that's how much I swear! Andy andy Okay, I believe you, I believe you. Michael michael I don't know who's giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me. Andy andy Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire? Michael michael Yeah, I did. I, I was talking to this girl at a bar. Darryl darryl Oh, no, no, no... Michael michael I think she could... sense my sadness, and I, and I found out too late that she... she's the copy editor at the Trib. Darryl darryl Oh my god. Was she cute? Michael michael No. Darryl darryl Oh, god, Darryl! Michael michael I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it, and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he's probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I don't know what is. Michael michael Sounds like you were as blindsided by this as I was. Jo jo Well, that's... Toby toby And we didn't find anything on your computer. Jo jo Good. Toby toby Except this. [hands stack of paper to Toby] Jo jo Oh, wow, this is, uh, just a mystery novel that I've been working on. Toby toby I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid? Jo jo Oh, uh, I don't know, uh... Toby toby The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself, or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder. Jo jo Oh... yes. Toby toby Write your own damn novel. Toby toby It was me. Pam pam What was you? You were the leak? Jim jim Okay. I'm talking to this woman at daycare... Pam pam Uh-huh. Jim jim She's telling me about all her amazing trip to Vietnam, I have nothing. I tell her our printers catch on fire, spontaneously! Pam pam Why'd you do that? Jim jim Her husband's a reporter. Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim So now everyone hates Andy, and it's this whole mess, and I don't know what to do. Pam pam Okay, just relax. Just need to relax. Jim jim I could tell Jo... or I could tell Michael. Pam pam This is a very good idea. This is good. Let's get all the bad ideas out now. Flush them out. Jim jim You leaked it? Michael michael I don't know what to do! Do I go tell Jo, or - I don't want everyone to keep blaming the wrong person! Pam pam I don't know what the best plan is, Pam. Oh god... my mind is going a mile an hour. Michael michael That fast? Pam pam Oh. Michael michael Two whistleblowers... two! I always thought Darryl and Pam might get me fired for something I said. Michael michael [Michael knocks on Pam's desk] Yeah? [Michael points at Pam, himself, and Meredith, mimes drinking, driving, then points to his watch and holds up five fingers] I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me. Pam pam So see you in Meredith's van in five minutes. Michael michael Yeah, you didn't need to actually say it. Pam pam [in Meredith's van] I have never seen so many parking tickets. Pam pam All right, this is just messed up. Darryl darryl No, you know what's messed up? This situation all up in here is what's messed up! We need to brainstorm, we need to get out of this! Brain hurricane. Come on, think. Michael michael All right. Darryl darryl What do we got? Michael michael Um... Pam pam [opening door] Hey guys, sorry I'm late. Kelly kelly We're not going for yogurt. Pam pam It's okay, she's cool, she also whistle-blew. Michael michael Guys, I couldn't help it, it is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue. Kelly kelly Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue. Michael michael Of course I'm the leak! I think I Tweeted it! I can't control what I say to people, I spend the whole day talking! I mean, I video chat, I Skype, I text, I Tweet, I phone, I Woof... Kelly kelly Woof is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up all your communication portals so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it. But, look, why tell you when I can show you. [types on his phone] I just sent myself a Woof. [fax machine makes noise, several windows pop up on computer behind Ryan with accompanying sounds, including barking] Ryan ryan [on phone] Ryan, you have a Woof on line 1. Erin erin Thank you, Erin. Woof! Ryan ryan Okay, here's what we do. I say we just smash all the computers. We destroy the evidence. No evidence, no case. Michael michael Wouldn't we get fired for smashing all the computers? Pam pam No. Okay, not all the computers, just our computers. Michael michael That idea sucks. Kelly kelly I don't think that's a good idea. Pam pam Just don't say no. Michael michael Michael, you know you don't have to turn us all in. All you need is one scapegoat. Darryl darryl Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl. Kelly kelly That's just what we need, another black man in prison. You know, let's just... Michael michael Nobody's going to prison, okay? Um... all right, Michael, you need to convince Jo to go easy on us. And then we'll all confess once we know our jobs are safe. Pam pam Okay. You can count on me. Michael michael [sees Toby banging on the vending machine] Let me give you a hand. Dwight dwight I'm hungry. Toby toby Ready? [they pull the vending machine towards them; Dwight's phone rings] Got it? Oh shoot. Got it? [walks away, opens phone] Dwight Schrute. Dwight dwight [on phone] The property you're looking at is in great shape. By the way, it has a very spacious basement office. Realtor realtor Basement office? You mean like a lair? Dwight dwight Hey Jo. Michael michael Michael. Jo jo I was thinking about our little leak problem. I was up all lunch thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should do? We make 'em come to work, and we work 'em, and we make 'em sit next to all the people they screwed over. And, and we pay 'em but we make 'em feel like they did something really wrong. The one question I have is, do we give them a Christmas bonus? I say yes, it's Christmas, but right after they're back in the thick of it. Michael michael Michael Scott... what do you know? Jo jo What? Michael michael It doesn't matter what I know. Michael michael If it doesn't matter, then tell me. Jo jo Why? Michael michael Because I want to deal with it the way I deal with it. Jo jo Well, deal with this. [crosses arms] Michael michael Empathize with me for a moment. I came up here with a big problem, and now I got a branch manager who's giving me the silent treatment... Speak to me... speak. [Jo's dog barks] Come with me. Jo jo What? Michael michael [as Michael and Jo leave] Are you leaving? Oh, am I... should I continue with the investigation? Gabe gabe Are you going to kill me? Michael michael Hahahahahaha. Jo jo [on phone] I just need you to come by later and sign a few forms. Realtor realtor Okay. Dwight dwight What time works for you? [Dwight looks across the street] Mr. Schrute, what time works? Realtor realtor Cancel it. I want you to make an offer at seventeen twenty-five Slough Avenue. Make 'em an offer they can't refuse. No, on second thought, low ball them. Don't call me 'til you have it. Dwight dwight But... [Dwight closes phone] Realtor realtor [on Jo's jet] Are we going some place far away? I know you said no questions, but... I have an early dinner that I need to get to... with the Chief of Police. Michael michael I'm very relieved to learn it wasn't you. Creed creed All right. Uh, Stan, you're up. Gabe gabe It wasn't me. Stanley stanley What a rich timbre your voice has. Okay, I am prepared to conclude the investigation. And... you did it. [nods at Andy] Gabe gabe What? Based on what? Andy andy Uh, just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you. Can we all agree to say that it was Andy for now, and sit with it, see how it feels? Gabe gabe All right. Sounds good. Dwight dwight Guys, I think that seems a little unfair. I mean, I feel like we don't definitely know it was Andy. Jim jim Yeah. You know, I mean, for all we know it could have been... Jim. Andy andy Really? Jim jim Michael. Jo jo I have rights. Michael michael Let's just talk. Jo jo I am not going to tell you anything. Michael michael Honey, you don't seem like your normal self. Jo jo Well, I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch. Michael michael Mama Jo knew there was something up. Jo jo Whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed down. Michael michael Oh, I hate that. Jo jo And my new favorite restaurant sucks... I bought a video camera last year, and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only like twelve minutes that I felt was worth taping the whole year. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex. What is that? ... I miss Holly. Michael michael Who's Holly? Jo jo Holly Flax from the Nashua branch. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen. It's not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down. Michael michael Well, I think that the real question is: Kevin kevin I may have heard from an old client, and I may have immediately started spreading the news to other clients and potential clients, yeah. But I'm not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about Suck It. Suck it. David Wallace david-wallace Gabe, I told you all about the printers. Andy andy I mean, it could be you, Gabe. I mean, that's the point. Jim jim Yes, it's totally obvious. Pam pam I think we all can agree that it's either Gabe or Angela. [flips a coin] It's Angela. Get her, boys. Creed creed Hey guys, uh, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone. Through Teach for America, I'm going to go down to Detroit and teach, uh, inner city kids about computers. Nick nick Uh, not now. Gabe gabe Oh yeah, it's just that my friends are in the car waiting, so I thought I would... Nick nick [quietly] Phyllis, what's this guy's name again? Stanley stanley I don't know, is it Shadow or Garth, it's something weird, I... Phyllis phyllis My name is Nick. Nick nick Okay, well, Nick, we're in a meeting. Angela angela Okay, look, I get it, people. I'm the lame IT guy, and everybody hates me. Nick nick Hey, listen man, you can't take it personally. Jim jim You called me man? I just said my name just now, did you forget it already? Nick nick No... sport. Jim jim You, you guys have fifteen parties a week, you can't learn my name? Nick nick Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey IT guy. Here's the story, champ. None of us have spent a lot of time getting to know you, okay? We liked the last guy, Siddiq, because he kept to himself, and we also thought he might have been a terrorist. You know what, I'm going to leave you with one other thought. Inner city kids use computers for two things, games and porn. So good luck wasting your life, lurch. Dwight dwight Thank you so much for that. I saw all your hard drives, and guess what? [gestures to Ryan] You're not a photographer. [gestures to Kelly] And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! All right? And you. [points to Andy] This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it, check it out. [gives the finger] Nick nick You're going to believe that guy? Andy andy When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there... and they'd make a Barbie out of me. Jo jo Hmm, hmm. Michael michael I, did I sell cheap printers? I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, it's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie. Jo jo You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you. Michael michael Oh honey, surely you don't want that. Jo jo I, I surely do, and don't call me honey. [Jo laughs] You were playing too. Michael michael I'm about to buy this building, you know. Dwight dwight You don't say? I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston. Hank hank Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you... enjoy that chair for now... 'cause pretty soon, you will be on your feet, at Buckingham Palace. Dwight dwight Hey Phyllis, have you seen my bag? Andy andy [points to the ceiling] You deserve it. Phyllis phyllis Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down, and children to die. Does that make me a hero? I... Andy andy [offscreen] No, it does not! Kevin kevin Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either. Andy andy It does! Angela angela Andy? Erin erin Hey. Andy andy I wanted to say that I think it was very brave of you to go to the press. Erin erin Uh, thanks. Yeah, you know, just seemed like the right thing to do. Andy andy Yeah. Erin erin [to press] We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers. We will not rest until this problem is solved. There will be no questions. Are there any questions? Michael michael Hey, I appreciate you reading that statement. You looked pretty up there. Jo jo That was fun. Michael michael I hope your rough patch ends soon. Jo jo Thanks. Today helped. Michael michael Well, give me a shout if I can brighten your life. Jo jo Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua. Michael michael Let me see what I can do. Jo jo