[as elevator door closes] Hold it! Dwight dwight [notices something new about Dwight] New glasses. Creed creed Dwight. What a ridiculous, fancy clown you are. Erin erin I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died. Dwight dwight Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close? Pam pam I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother. Dwight dwight My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt. Dwight dwight My condolences. Jim jim Keep them. Dwight dwight OK. Now, what do we got in these two pails? Jim jim In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil. Dwight dwight [after Dwight tosses dirt on her face] What color is it? Erin erin It looks pretty black. Phyllis phyllis [after Dwight tosses dirt in his face] Yep. Acidic, all right. Kevin kevin [while Dwight prepares to toss dirt] Oh, thank god. Oscar oscar Excuse me? Dwight dwight I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just... have a personal training session... Oscar oscar OK. That's not... [tosses red dirt in Oscar's face] Dwight dwight I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch. Oscar oscar [as Dwight prepares to throw dirt in his face] I'm sure... I'm sure she's in a better place. Jim jim I really hope so. [unexpectedly tosses dirt in Pam's face] Dwight dwight OK. [as Dwight mixes coffee with dirt in his hand] This is crazy. You can't make a dirt ball. Jim jim I miss her so much. Dwight dwight OK. Jim jim You know? [Dwight screams and throws dirt ball at Jim] Dwight dwight [playing guitar and singing 'Oh What a Beautiful Morning'] Zeke's here. Mose mose Zeke. Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight. Mose, Mom says 'hi'. Zeke zeke 'Hi' to Mom. Mose mose Are you going? Dwight dwight Will there be ghosts there? Mose mose [simultaneously with Zeke] Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar. Dwight dwight You get in the sidecar. Zeke zeke Get... Dwight dwight [at the grave site, to Oscar] What are you doing here? Dwight dwight You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face. Oscar oscar [smirking] Oh, yeah. Dwight dwight [as a car approaches the grave site] Who is that? Oscar oscar Jeb, my brother. Dwight dwight You have a brother? Oscar oscar Uh-huh. Dwight dwight I didn't really see a better parking spot. [drives into the dug grave] Whoa! Look what I did. It's a rental. [Dwight approaches and hugs him] You wanna go in? [both attempt to put the other in the dug grave] Jeb jeb [upon seeing Todd Packer enter the office] Oh, gosh. Erin erin Hey, Moonface. Nice to see those shiny, little Chinese eyes of yours. Todd Packer todd-packer [to Pam] Who's this guy? Clark clark ... bad. Pam pam Hi, all. Todd Packer todd-packer Why are you here, Todd? Phyllis phyllis OK. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did. Todd Packer todd-packer Packer, we accept. [others disagree] Kevin kevin Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. [to Pam] Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. [to Phyllis] Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, [points to Clark] this kid in a few years. Todd Packer todd-packer Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology. Pam pam Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. OK. The apology's just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place 'Nipples'. Todd Packer todd-packer I think it's called 'Nibbles'. Pam pam Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh? [hands cupcake to Erin] There you go. Todd Packer todd-packer Hey, hey, guys. Wait. Before we accept these cupcakes, I think we need to have a conversation privately in the conference room. Don't eat the cupcake. Pam pam We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil. German Minister german-minister [gathers and tastes soil] Huh. It's crap soil. Nothing's going to grow here. Jeb jeb Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery. Dwight dwight Yeah, well, I'm just saying it's garbage soil, that's all. Jeb jeb Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies. Dwight dwight It's fine 'cause they're not going to grow. Jeb jeb Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies. Dwight dwight Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any. Jeb jeb Would the family care to say something? German Minister german-minister You had black hair and then gray hair. Dwight dwight You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4", at the end you were 5'1". Zeke zeke They're a descriptive people. Oscar oscar [approaches and hugs Dwight] I see you started without me. Fannie fannie You were late. So, what am I supposed to do? Dwight dwight Well, I told you... Fannie fannie Hi, Fannie. Jeb jeb Hey. Fannie fannie Who is that? Oscar oscar Dwight's sister. Zeke zeke Dwight has a sister? Oscar oscar Yeah. Zeke zeke She's beautiful. Oscar oscar Blugh. Zeke zeke [to his nephew Cameron] Hello, little man. Haven't seen you in a few years. [after a weak handshake] What is this? Oh, god. [after a truck with many girls in the bed pulls up] Henry. Dwight dwight Dwight. Henry Bruegger henry-bruegger I see Esther's back in town. Dwight dwight Hi Dwight. Esther esther Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today. Dwight dwight This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn. Esther esther Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens. Dwight dwight We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here. Fannie fannie OK. Dwight dwight Anyone mention her height? Henry Bruegger henry-bruegger Yep. Zeke zeke Land size? [all shake heads] [removes hat] Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight's. [replaces hat] OK. [drives away] Henry Bruegger henry-bruegger So, let's get it going. Dwight dwight [approaches Fannie, offering a shotgun] Would you want to do the honors? German Minister german-minister Oh, right. Uh, you know, I don't think we have to do this. Fannie fannie We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness. Dwight dwight [after Dwight opens coffin and begins firing into it] That's it for me. [exits] Oscar oscar I don't think we should eat Packers' cupcakes. We can't give him the satisfaction. Pam pam I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they're dense. But, they're also really fluffy. Phyllis phyllis We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity? Pam pam $3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen. Creed creed I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant. Creed creed Hey, man. I don't think we've met. I'm Clark. Clark clark Oh. I'm Todd. Oh, sorry for calling you a fat, little runt earlier. Todd Packer todd-packer You didn't actually say that. Clark clark No? Wow. I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head. [Clark fake laughs] Hey. I have a crazy feeling [hands Clark a cupcake] that you are really gonna like this. Todd Packer todd-packer Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Haven't we done enough to Packer? I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank. [to Nellie] And you did fire him. Stanley stanley I did. I did, yes. And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong. Nellie nellie Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart? Pam pam Do they even have a bakery anymore? Angela angela They do. It's awful. And, it's getting worse every day. Kevin kevin So, it really is just about the cupcakes. Pam pam Wow, you're right. It is just about the cupcakes. Andy andy So, we're all agreed? No one touches those cupcakes? Phyllis phyllis [as all agree] OK. Meredith meredith OK. Packer can go to hell. Phyllis phyllis [on a recorded video] Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city. Shirley shirley [agreeing with Shirley] Thank you. Dwight dwight Jeb. A street pusher. Shirley shirley After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out "worm" means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management. Jeb jeb I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich. Dwight dwight We can't just sit by and watch our family farm disappear. So, here are my terms. Dwight, Fannie, Jeb. If you come back home, I will leave you my farm. So, there, you have it. Shirley shirley Is she crazy? [as Dwight considers] Dwight? Fannie fannie Buddy? Buddy? Jeb jeb No, no, no. Fannie fannie Snap out of it. Dwight? Jeb jeb Let's do this. Let's run Aunt Shirley's farm. I'm in. Boom. Dwight dwight No, no, no. I'm not moving back here. Are you crazy? Fannie fannie Of course you are. Dwight dwight Look. I, I don't want to be mean or like insulting. I know that you like it here. But, Dwight, it's just that farm life lacks a certain... sort of sophistication. Fannie fannie Oh my god. Dwight dwight That Cammy and I are drawn to. And, I don't know. The men are just... it's almost like there's a... a willing ignorance. Fannie fannie Yes. I, thank you for asking me. I actually have written a little bit of poetry. That's crazy. And, I was recently published. Which is just... [reaches in to bag, removes folded paper] maybe I have. Yep. I do. Here it is from the um, Hartford Women's Lit Quarterly.com. A Willing Ignorance by Fannie Schrute. Fannie fannie Totally. Yep. The people here are like [makes farting sound, laughs] Like a fart. You know what I'm saying? Like a fart? Jeb jeb You know what? Let's take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley's offer. Dwight dwight Couple of nights couldn't hurt. Jeb jeb Uh, somehow how I think a couple of nights could hurt. Fannie fannie You will say 'yes' on one. Five, four, three, two, get ready to say 'yes', one. Yes. Dwight dwight [as Dwight says 'yes'] Absolutely. Zeke zeke Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one. And, Mose was the visionary. Which left me to be the comedian. Zeke zeke That doesn't work on me. Fannie fannie OK. Dwight dwight By the way, that's not... Fannie fannie [counts down in French] Dwight dwight Very funny. OK. Oui, oui, oui. Fannie fannie Oui. Dwight dwight Oh my goodness. Fannie fannie [while everyone is gathered playing and singing "Sons & Daughters"] People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck. Dwight dwight [after seeing Dwight lay something down in front of Esther] So, I forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a crow at her. And then, if she's interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks. [Esther crushes the beaks leaving Dwight satisfied] Fannie fannie Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for screwing you. Todd Packer todd-packer I'm not sorry about it. Meredith meredith I am. It was my rock bottom. Todd Packer todd-packer [while Kevin stares at his cupcake] Kevin, you can do this. Angela angela You don't know that. Kevin kevin Kevin, um, let's think of something to distract us. Uh, like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right? Pam pam Uh-huh. Angela angela James Bond was a spy. Kevin kevin Yes. He was a good spy. Pam pam Yeah. He was the best. James Bond would love this cupcake. Kevin kevin Hey, you know what? It was, uh, great to see you all again. Take care. [exits] Todd Packer todd-packer I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a [expletive] of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it. Todd Packer todd-packer Guys, I'm proud of us. I think we did the right thing. [after noticing Angela easting cupcake] Hey! Pam pam What, Pam? Angela angela [as others eat] Wait! Pam pam He's gone. It's just a cupcake now. Angela angela No, no. It's the principle of the thing. Pam pam [exits office, chewing] Oh my god. I forgive him so much. [Kevin begins making choking sounds] Whoa, is he choking? Andy andy Kevin? Angela angela [after long choking and refusing help from Meredith] Oh, that was fantastic. Kevin kevin [after following Dwight to the chicken coop, before sunrise] Is it dangerous to take the eggs in front of them? Cameron cameron Yes, very. You really need to stand back because these are killer chickens. Dwight dwight I was just asking you something I didn't know. Cameron cameron Which is fine. And, you learned something. But, it was kind of a stupid question so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit. Dwight dwight [after grabbing an egg] Are we gonna eat these today? Cameron cameron If you want. Dwight dwight Is that a guillotine? Cameron cameron This? No. That'd be cool, though. It's for milking. Dwight dwight [referencing goat] That's a cow? Cameron cameron Did you just ask me if this was a cow? Dwight dwight [after seeing Dwight smelling milk] What are you doing now? Cameron cameron Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right? Dwight dwight I don't know. Cameron cameron Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy? Dwight dwight I don't know any of that. Cameron cameron OK, you suck at this. Give me those teats. Didn't your father teach you anything? Dwight dwight I never met him. Cameron cameron Good morning, Erin. Pam pam [looking disheveled] Hey. Erin erin Hey, everybody. Um, I decided to eat my cupcake. I thought about it last night. I talked to Jim. I talked to my sister. And, I think that, as long as Todd Packer doesn't know, it's OK. Pam pam I don't care what you do, Pam. Just please stop making noise. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis! Pam pam Packer laced the cupcakes. Clark clark No! Pam pam Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned? Meredith meredith Some of us got both. [raises hand] Angela angela Oh my god! Is everyone OK? Pam pam Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars. Phyllis phyllis Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet. Nellie nellie Me too. [holds up four fingers] Stanley stanley I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night. Clark clark What did you do, Andy? Phyllis phyllis Last night? Oh, god, um, I don't know. [cuts to him arm wrestling Kevin] Na, nothing really. Kevin? Andy andy Why would you ask me? Kevin kevin I'm not, a... I'm just. I don't know. [cuts to him spinning a plate like a record and Kevin dancing] Oh. Gosh. I actually. It is hard to recall. Um. [cuts to he and Kevin sitting on a table touching each others face] Pretty normal night. Andy andy [he and Andy embrace each other in tears] My night was just like that. [cuts to him and Andy trading clothes] Meaning normal. Kevin kevin Yeah. I didn't see you last night at all. [cuts to him dancing by prostrate Kevin] Andy andy Nope. I did not see you either. Kevin kevin Wow. He is officially the worst human being. Pam pam [as Pam attempts to throw cupcake away] Ah. [stops Pam and takes cupcake] Kevin kevin But, Kevin that's... Pam pam Yeah. No, I understand, Pam. I understand. Kevin kevin [shaking head in disbelief] No. Angela angela So, that's it. I just wanted to make amends. [slides cupcakes across table to Darryl and Jim] Todd Packer todd-packer That's big of you, man. Takes a lot of courage. Darryl darryl Ooh, red velvet. I should apologize too. Jim jim It's OK. I'm over it. Todd Packer todd-packer Oof. This is no nine-acre worm farm. This is a beast. Whoever's managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job. Not it. Jeb jeb Not it. Fannie fannie It. [to Fannie] That kid doesn't put in some farm time, he's gonna stay like that. Dwight dwight All right. Fannie fannie