Ryan [catching Jim looking at him at Pam's desk] What? Jim Oh, nothing. Jim Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh... June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that. Ryan [again catching Jim looking at him] What? Jim Oh, nothing. Ryan Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me. Michael Spamster! Pam Um, Pam plus Spam plus...? Michael Hamster. Pam Right. Michael Welcome back! How was your vacation? Pam It was great. Michael Yeah? Pam Mm-hm. Michael Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink! Pam Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January. Michael I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. [walking into office] Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck! Pam What? Michael Wow! What happened in there? Pam I don't know. Michael There is stink in there, my God! What is... what is that? Pam [looking at pile on Michel's carpet] Oh... I don't know. Michael Is it a bird? Pam No, I don't think it's a bird. Michael Oh, God! How could that happen? How could... right in the middle of the carpet. Kevin What's goin' on? Michael Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office. Kevin [taking a look] I don't think that's vomit. Michael Check it out. Kevin Me? Michael Check it out. Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee. Kevin Oh, that's ridiculous. Michael What is it? Kevin Michael. [tapping on door] Michael What is it? No, just tell me what it is. Kevin [pounding on door] Michael, I ... I ... I gotta get outta here. I can't hold my breath that long. Pam Open the door up! Kevin It smelled terrible. Pam and others [after going in to check out the smell] Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. [leaving quickly] Michael I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there. Toby That's no burst pipe. Michael How do you know that? What is it, then? Creed Hi guys. Somebody makin' soup? Michael [as cleaning lady with mask leaves] Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. [walks into office] Dwight [coughing] It's still stinky. Michael That is worse. Dwight She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation. Michael [while in his reeking office] I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um... [clearing throat] I can't stand it [gets up to leave], I can't stay in here another second. No! Jim Hey! Welcome back! Pam Thanks! Jim So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot? Pam A little. Jim Good! What's goin' on here? Jim What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting. Ryan [barely stifling laughter] It wasn't me. Um... it wasn't me. [regaining composure] It was not me. Jim [smelling the stink] Oh. Wow. Pam [giggles at Roy] Michael [sitting at Jim's desk] Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet. Jim That might be a little difficult with the one computer. Michael Oh... It's ... Jim But there's definitely a desk open in the back. Michael [reluctantly] Yeah ... Jim ...which I guess I'll be taking. Michael No, no, no! Seriously, I don't mind sharing. Jim No, no, no, seriously, I'll be in the back. Jim Hey, Kelly. Kelly Are you moving back here? Jim Um, just for the day while Michael's at my desk. Kelly Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy. Jim Allergy to... the desk? Kelly [shaking head] Weird. Michael [putting his feet on desk] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen. Dwight [putting his feet on desk] Ha ha ha... the old bullpen. Michael Don't ape me. Dwight Okay. Michael This is great. Dwight Yeah! Michael The pressures of my office are insane. Dwight [agreeing] Mm. Michael I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here. Dwight No way! Michael Yeah. Dwight And who had your office? Michael Ed Truck. [exclaiming is disgust] Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, "Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work." What a jerk. He's... You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away. Kelly [to Jim] I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren't all hangers like that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit... Michael You know who used to sit at that desk? Dwight That guy Miles who quit to form his own company? Michael Mm-mm. Todd Packer. Dwight No! Michael Yeah. Dwight I thought he was out on the road. Michael He was, but, uh... that desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes. Dwight Ah. Michael When I was in training, many years ago... not so long ago... I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office [picture behind Michael falls]. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy. Michael I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. Stanley [on phone] Excuse me one second, please. [to Michael] What is it that you need right now that you can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer? Michael Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. [laughs] Okay. Michael Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired. Creed [after Michael punches him in the arm] What did you hit me for? Michael Charley horse! Creed What? Michael Charley horse! Creed You shouldn't have hit me, Michael. Michael Oh, okay. Gah. Michael Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. [giggles] It was hysterical. Kelly [to Jim] Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones... Ryan Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair. Jim It's the lever on the side. Ryan That's what I told him. Thanks. [leaves] Kelly Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me? Jim No, I don't think I can... Kelly Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He's so cute. I like him so much. And I would do it, but I'm too shy. Please, Jim, please, please, please, please, Jim. Please, please, please... Michael [whispering] Dwight. Dwight [whispering] Michael. Michael Let's send up Accounting. Dwight What? Michael Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead. Michael Hey guys. Oscar Hey, Michael. Michael Ahem. What's up? Oscar Hey, Dwight. Michael and Dwight [as they throw accountants' files and supplies around] Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules! Dwight Yeah! [laughing] Michael Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing] Dwight Should we help 'em pick up their stuff? Michael No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that. Dwight Okay. Michael Watch out, Pam. You're next! Pam You're gonna throw my things on the ground? Michael Maybe! Oscar What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it [chuckles], it makes sense [regains composure] But it... it was still wrong. Michael Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her. Michael You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense. Dwight [on phone] Hello, am I the 107th caller? [hangs up, dials again] Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and dials again] Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and begins to dial again] I'm totally gonna win us that box set. Michael Stop. Dwight Jethro Tull... Michael Stop it. [Dwight hangs up] Stop. It. [Dwight beings to dial] Don't. Don't. Dwight I need to make a sales call. Please? Michael All right. Dwight [on phone, whispering] Am I the 107th caller? Pam [to Roy in Jim's earshot] ...back so soon. Roy We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe. Pam Yeah, right. Roy Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President's Day or something. Pam Yeah, that's right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend. Kelly [to unseen co-worker] But it's so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. 'Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30. Pam [to Roy as Jim escapes into bathroom] Are you kidding? Roy No. Michael Hi, guys. Angela We haven't finished getting things in order from your last visit. Michael I'm just walking around. Angela Were you? Michael Well, yeah. Oscar It's just that we're really swamped over here, Michael. Michael Oh, and I'm not? Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun? You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you? I'm workin' for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good? Dwight Yeah! Michael [counting cash] Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... [moves money after seeing workmen walk by] ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we? Phyllis You're gonna compete against us? Michael Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on! Dwight It is so on! Michael God, this is gonna be fun. Dwight Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us! Michael [on phone] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. [hangs up] Yes! [chuckles] Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! [puts post-it on Phyllis' forehead] Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale! [humming then dancing victoriously] Darryl [walking by with new carpet] What... What's that? Whatcha doing? Michael [stops dance] Nothing. Roy [laughing] I think he's dancing. Michael No. Just ... Darryl That was definitely not dancing. Michael You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just... Darryl Paper business. Michael Yeah, paper business. Is this done? Roy Nope. Michael Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. [snaps] Pam Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know. Creed [to Oscar] Who do you think did it? Oscar Are you kidding? I thought it was you. Creed Really? I thought you. [both laugh in Michael's earshot] Michael This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them. Michael You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today. Pam That doesn't seem fair. Michael You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage. Dwight But you're the one who picked today. Michael I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about. Stanley That's not what a hate crime is. Michael Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I... you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . [no one comes forward] Very well. Then you are all punished. Pam What's our punishment? Michael You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. [phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer] No. NO! [phone continues to ring] Jim Hey! Ryan What's up? Jim Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It's actually little awkward. Ryan What? Jim What do you think of Kelly? Ryan I don't know. Depends if you like a little junk in ... [notices camera] Umm... She's really cool. Jim Are you interested in her? Ryan Yeah, totally. Jim Really? Ryan Did she say something? Jim She said lots of things. Ryan Do you know if she's looking for a long-term thing or if she'd be cool just hangin' out? Jim I have no idea. Ryan Can you find out? Jim Yeah. Sure. Kelly [to Jim] Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together... but don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows? Michael Do you remember Ed Truck? Creed Sure. He hired me. How's he doing? Michael How would I know? Creed I thought you might. Michael My biggest fear is turning into him. Creed Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that. Michael [sighs] I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you? Michael [meeting Ed Truck in parking lot] Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin' back. Ed Yeah. Should we go upstairs? Michael Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now. Ed So, what's the problem with my pension? Michael Oh, no, no, no. You're good. It was clerical. You're good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me. Ed Well, what was done? Michael I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible. Ed Yeah, somebody once did that in my office. Michael Really? Ed Yeah. Michael Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you? Ed You can't expect to be friends with everybody. Michael Well... s-sure I can. Ed No. They'll always think of you as a boss first. Michael Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father. Ed I'm not sure that ever happens. Michael Well, okay. Different management styles. Ed Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends? Michael Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney." Jim [on phone] Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh... give me a call back, I hope. I'll talk to you later. Bye. Kelly You just asked a girl out on the phone! Jim Yep. Michael [on phone] Yes. Todd Packer Hello, yes. I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott. Michael Who is this? How did you get this number? Packer Your mom, you gay nerd! Michael Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin'? Todd Packer Hey, did you get that package I left for you? Michael Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it? Todd Packer It was pretty big. Michael Really? Todd Packer Yeah. Michael Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it? Packer Left it in the middle of your office. Michael Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office? Roy You mean the thing? Packer [laughs uproariously] Michael Are you kidding me? Oh! Packer Special delivery! Michael That was Packer! Oh, you're... you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar... Oh, God! Of course it was you. Packer Sit on the throne, Michael. Michael Oh. [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer! Michael It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people. We have fun. [giggles] We just have fun! Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out. Jim's voicemail You have seven unheard messages. Pam [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back! Pam [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator. Pam [voicemail message for Jim] Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert. Pam [voicemail message for Jim] I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is ... okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened, so thank you. Pam [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe. Pam [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I'm not messing this up, so I'll see you tomorrow. Pam [voicemail message for Jim] Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk. Dwight I think this whole disaster on Michael's carpet happened for a good reason. Him sitting next to me is a huge gift. This girl I know would say that it was a gift from God, but I don't know about all that. Angela Obviously, this was Kevin. This is his sense of humor exactly. Kevin There are so many people with motives, even me. Almost everyone is a suspect. Whoever did this is a genius. [laughs] Kelly That looks, cool, where is that? Jim What? Kelly That hotel, it looks so romantic. Jim Oh, just somewhere in the Poconos. I was just surfing. Kelly I went with my parents to the Shadowbrook Farm once. That was also really romantic. Oh, my God, I wish a boy would take me there. I would need a fun new top. You know what a great color is on me? Lavender, actually. Jim Just give me one second. I'm just gonna grab something to eat. Jim Hey. Toby Hey. Jim So, you used to share that cubicle with Kelly, right? Toby Mmm-hmm. Jim And then you just changed desks, right? Toby Yeah. Jim To one without a cubicle. Toby Yeah. Jim So, you just couldn't take it anymore, huh? Toby What are you talking about? Jim So, that's how it's gonna be. Toby Yeah. Toby Honestly, I don't even hear her anymore. It's like waves crashing against the beach. Michael [on the phone] Okay, that quantity of cotton fiber will cost you... my screen disappeared. I know. I will click on the bottom and... Yes. I'm getting one of those little hourglass things. Used to have a price chart on the wall, now it's a little hourglass thing with an arrow next to it. Now it's just an hourglass thing. Uh-huh, yeah, well, or I can call you back. Okay. Dwight [on the phone] Excellent, good, good. Well, our truck is going out first thing tomorrow morning. So... Stanley ...cases of typical format and coated white paper. Okay, thanks again so much. All right, bye-bye. Phyllis 20 cartons of it's coming, on it's way. Michael What's going on? Anything here? Stanley Yes. Michael Yes, yes. What yes? A sale or a lead or... Stanley A sale. Michael Ah. Small? Stanley Big. Michael Huge? Stanley Just big. Michael Would you say the sale that I made earlier was huge or... Stanley Big. Dwight [on the phone] Good. No, I completely understand, times are a little tight right now. If it's alright with you though, I will just give you a call back next month. Great, thank you so much. Goodbye. Michael What was that? Dwight What? Michael You call that a sales call? My God, what have they been teaching you? Dwight You're the one who trained me, Michael. Michael Yeah, well, did I teach you to roll over like a submissive dog? Dwight You most certainly did not. Michael No, I did not. Dwight What can I do better? Michael Exactly, ask me, which you did, so, tell a joke. Dwight I'm not good at jokes. Michael Do you know a joke? Dwight My cousin Mose told me a joke. Michael Call a client right now. Dwight Okay. Michael And tell him the joke. Dwight I will. Michael Strike while the iron's hot. A joke always works. Dwight [on the phone] Yes, Howard Gruber, please. Michael Just sell it. Dwight [on the phone] Howard, hello. Dwight Schrute. Dunder Mifflin. Yes, and you are my favorite client. Listen, I'm calling you to tell you a little joke. What is black and white and red and can't think? A nun who has a beet for a head. ... No, I'm Catholic, too. Michael Give me the phone. Dwight [on the phone] I understand. Michael Give me the phone. Dwight [on the phone] If I was offensive in any way, I... Michael Tell him. Tell him that your supervisor is on the line. Dwight [on the phone] Humor works in... Michael The old one two. Let's do it. Dwight [on the phone] ...crazy ways. I'm going to pass you off to my supervisor. Hold on one second. [whispering] Howard Gruber. It's Howard Gruber. Michael [on the phone] Hey Howard. Michael Scott here. Yeah, sorry about that. Dwight is an idiot. I know. No, he's a little... Little dim. He's the janitor's brother, so... Dwight That's not true. Michael [on the phone] Uh-huh? Yeah. Well, you know, like in a fast food restaurant, just to be nice they hire somebody who can't even find their way to work? That is Dwight. Dwight [whispering] He's my best customer. Michael [on the phone] What can we do to help you out? You know what? I have a discount. Today and today only, on lightweight copier paper. Dwight But that's my sale. This is my sale, Michael! Michael [on the phone] Uh-huh, yes, I can do that. Absolutely! Perfect. Oh, I'm glad it timed out that way. Dwight What Michael doesn't understand is that when I worked in the fast food industry I was actually commended by management for the three "M"s. McService, McCompetence and McPunctuality. Roy [laughing] You gotta drink on that one. Too bad. Darryl Hell yeah, yeah, yeah. Mo'fo, mo'fo. Roy You ready? Darryl Mmm-hmm. [thumping] [Roy groaning] Now you've got to drink. Dwight Okay, look, I know what you're gonna say. That I'm not standing up for myself. But you know what? It's complicated and I really don't appreciate all the badgering. Angela You could out-sell Michael any day. Michael I really thought these people were my friends. My best friend since kindergarten, Elliot, that's a friend. Best friend ever. I should call him. Wonder where he lives.