...No, you lied to me Andy. You pretended to be in this office for three months and you were sailing on your boat! David Wallace david-wallace I resent that. I, I never lied to you. Andy andy Really? [reading from phone] "Hey David, all is good in Scranton PA." David Wallace david-wallace And all was good in Scranton PA that day. Andy andy "By the way, Oscar says 'hi'" David Wallace david-wallace Oscar says "hi" all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. "Hi" "Hello" "Hola" You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say "hi"? Andy andy Andy. David Wallace david-wallace But you're calling me a liar. Andy andy Andy! David Wallace david-wallace By the way, that reminds me, I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling lately. Andy andy Watch it Andy! David Wallace david-wallace Oh, here we go, January seventh 2013. [Reading from phone] "Hey Andy, all's well. Been meaning to make it down there but my wife's sick." Well, which is it?! Is all well or is your wife sick?! BUSTED! Andy andy My wife? David Wallace david-wallace This has been a really tough time. Andy andy Yeah? David Wallace david-wallace Yeah. Andy andy Has it? David Wallace david-wallace Erin just dumped me and I can't remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say but I really miss my beard. Andy andy Shh. David Wallace david-wallace It was like a security blan- Andy andy Andy. David Wallace david-wallace -ket Andy andy Shh. I'm not gonna fire you. David Wallace david-wallace You're not? Andy andy No. David Wallace david-wallace That's awesome. Andy andy I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you. So...I owe you that. David Wallace david-wallace David, I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be here for you. I'll be there for you. That's a poem by J.B. Jovi. I want you to have it. Andy andy We are even...now. Understand? Got it? David Wallace david-wallace Crystal. Andy andy You are on very- Hey, very thin ice. David Wallace david-wallace Vanilla. [David looks confused] Vanilla Ice. It was a band. Andy andy Good morning. Andy andy Good morning. Erin erin And how are you on this fine- [chokes up, runs into office and slams door pulling the blinds closed] Andy andy [Crying] Ok, we ready? [cut] Don't use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. Now I have to see her everyday at work. Which is...brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up. Andy andy [Moaning from office] Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh Andy andy He sounds like a wounded animal. Pam pam Should've put him out of his misery and just fired her. Stanley stanley I can't be around sad people, it makes me sad. Phyllis phyllis I'm the same way with horny people. Stanley stanley Ok. [Andy continues moaning] Pam pam Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean I saw Pete's butt. It's sick. Erin erin [taking paper from Kevin] Oh that's mine! Um, I'll just, I'll get it out of the way for you. Pam pam Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It's um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. [laughs] I'm sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note. Pam pam [on phone] No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do. Dwight dwight [Jumps out from behind vending machine] I need you. Dwight dwight Ahh! Dwight! Angela angela And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes. Dwight dwight What? What is it? Angela angela It's my aunt Shirley, she's on her last legs. Dwight dwight Dwight, that's awful. Angela angela You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was "poisoned" by Aunt Shirley. Dwight dwight What do you mean by "poisoned"? Angela angela Probably nothing, or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was. Dwight dwight Ok, well I'm very sorry about your aunt. Angela angela Thank you. Dwight dwight But I don't see how this is my problem. Angela angela Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out- Dwight dwight Ugh. Angela angela And there's parts of her I don't even recognize. Dwight dwight Gah. Angela angela There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap. Dwight dwight It's fine. Angela angela It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know? Dwight dwight Ugh! God, I can't. OK, I'll- Angela angela It's a divet... Dwight dwight I'll help you! Angela angela ..where it was and it needs, it needs a... Dwight dwight Ugh. Angela angela Where are you going? Andy andy Uh, not on a three month boat trip. Pam pam Wha? Oh, burn. [laughs, Angela and Dwight move to leave.] Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now? Andy andy How dare you? Dwight dwight I'm still the boss! Andy andy I... Erin erin The answer is yes. Andy andy ..just have some messages for you. Erin erin Are they from you? Andy andy Well no, they're from clients. Erin erin Well then, I don't want them. You can keep 'em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater, I know how much you love it. Andy andy I can't. I- Erin erin Nope, I insist upon it. It's an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing. Andy andy These are messages from clients who want to buy paper. Erin erin I don't want to talk about work right now. Andy andy Well I only want to talk about work right now. Erin erin Then I want my big blue sweater back. Andy andy Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army. Erin erin I've got the seat adjusted right. Pete pete Perfect height, yeah. Clark clark She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about? Andy andy I was just leaving. Pete pete Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog, Plop and Clarker Posey, AKA Clarkwork Orange. Here's the sitch: Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first. Andy andy I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men. Pete pete Survey says: ENH! Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got? Andy andy Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now. Clark clark Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat. Andy andy There you go, good for you. Clark clark No. Andy andy You just let it all hang out, that's what... Clark clark May not seem like it, but this really helped. So, thank you. [Andy leaves] Andy andy I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow. Clark clark Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight. Dwight dwight Oh, lookie here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight. Shirley shirley Hello Aunt Shirley. Angela angela Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny like a little kitchen witch. Shirley shirley This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes! Dwight dwight New clothes? What for? [Aunt Shirley's boob shows] Shirley shirley OK Dwight dwight Oh, God. Angela angela You know what? Before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit. Dwight dwight Yes. How would you like a nice warm bath? Angela angela How would you like a mean cold slap? [slaps Angela] Shirley shirley Ow! Angela angela Ok, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps? Dwight dwight I could do that. Shirley shirley Ok. Dwight dwight No. No. Angela angela Yeah, trust me. Dwight dwight No. Angela angela It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find. Dwight dwight Step on it! Shirley shirley Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places. Andy andy Andy, don't. No good can come from snooping. Phyllis phyllis I'm not snooping, there's just some crud on her screen. Andy andy You're clearly snooping. Oscar oscar That's kinda uncool, man. Creed creed Ah, come on. Meredith meredith Andy! Phyllis phyllis That's her private property. Oscar oscar Tell us! Meredith meredith Uh, hello! Who's snooping on who now? Andy andy What does that even mean? Phyllis phyllis What's it say? Meredith meredith Put it down. Phyllis phyllis Everyone please, just- Andy andy It's not cool. Creed creed Put it down Phyllis phyllis Andy. That is her private property. Oscar oscar Boo. Meredith meredith Oh my god. Andy andy Uh huh. Stanley stanley See? Phyllis phyllis That's where nosey'll get you. Stanley stanley Told you so. Phyllis phyllis Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop. Take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again. Uh, couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone so I looked at her phone. Andy andy Man, you can't do that stuff. You'll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my e-mail account, she was devastated. Darryl darryl Too late. I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete? Andy andy Pete... Kevin kevin Hmm. Clark clark Pete what? Kevin kevin It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete. Pete pete [whispers] hello! Pam pam Hey! There she is. [Pam laughs] How you doin? Jim jim Hi! Hey, do I look ok? Pam pam You look great. Jim jim Ok Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim [pointing to Jim's bluetooth headset] What's that? Is that a- Pam pam Ok, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now. I'm a douche. But look what I can do with my hands. [Pam laughs] Jim jim Gotta go, VIP just walked through the door. Isaac isaac How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear. Pam pam It's a phone? Isaac isaac Yes. It is. And thank you so much for setting up this opportunity, I really appreciate it. Pam pam Of course, anything for Team Halpert. You're gonna crush it, Pam. Isaac isaac Thanks. Pam pam You are gonna crush it. Wow, I missed you. Jim jim Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me. Pam pam [touches headset] Call you right back. What were you saying? Jim jim Ha ha. Pam pam Hey, Jim! We've got Trent Edwards on the line. Athlead Coworker athlead-coworker I've gotta go, but you know what? Team Halpert, ok? You're gonna crush it, you're gonna smash it.[Pam laughs] OK, good luck! Jim jim Bye. Pam pam Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly. Angela angela In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night. Dwight dwight [coughs and laughs in her sleep] Shirley shirley Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down. Dwight dwight Spray her down? Angela angela No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic. Dwight dwight Hey. Pete pete Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in, I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news and uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted [reading computer screen] shlmydia...from Erin. And it's incurable. Pretty lame huh? Andy andy Yeah. [long pause] You were gone. Pete pete I knew it! Andy andy For a long time, Andy. Pete pete You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa! Andy andy Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap. Pete pete No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired! Andy andy What? Pete pete Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. [singing] So you had a bad day- Andy andy Andy? Pete pete ..The camera don't lie! Andy andy Andy. Pete pete You're being an idiot get.. Andy andy I'm trying.. Pete pete Out of my office, turns out you're fired... Andy andy Andy. Pete pete Because you suck. Andy andy You can't fire- Pete pete And you're fired... Andy andy If you want to talk to me Pete pete So you had a bad day... Andy andy I'll be in the annex. Pete pete Rut ti doh doh... Andy andy Alright? I'll be in the annex. Pete pete Rut tit doh doh... Andy andy Toby! Pete pete Rut ti doh doo doh Andy andy Toby? Pete pete You can't fire Pete. You understand why, right? Toby toby No. Andy andy Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can't just get rid of people over grudges. Toby toby Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge. Andy andy Alright, well look. While I have you here, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete & Erin. Toby toby They already have a contract? [Reading] "Mutually agree to-" Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch. Andy andy It's just boiler plating, you don't have to read it. Toby toby Well, I'm not signing away my rights. Andy andy I already signed it. I was just showing you. Toby toby Ok, well we'll see about that. [crumples paper] Andy andy Andy, it's not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy. [Andy throws paper at him and leaves, Toby straightens paper out] It's the original. Toby toby ...[singing] talking Chester avenue, talking triplex, talking converting...Is that her? Hey guys! Say something. Mark mark Hello. Pam pam Hi, I'm Mark. Mark mark Hi, Pam, hello. Pam pam I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me. D'Jango! I don't agree with the use of the "N" word in that movie. It's, it's too soon. Mark mark I'm Pam Halpert. Pam pam Oh, hi. They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon Realty, we are one funky bunch! Come on you guys, raise the roof when I say that! I- what are you all temps again today? Let's go, Gangnam style. [laughs] He's heard Gangnam style, he knows it. Right? That's cause he's American. This is Carl. Uh, he's from here. Our neck of the woods. But Gangnam style is great, isn't it? Mark mark Oh my god. He's Michael Scott. Pam pam Time to get clean! Shirley shirley It's hosing time Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose. Dwight dwight You have to use chains? Angela angela You'll see. Here we go. Dwight dwight Let's get this show on the road. Shirley shirley Let's do it! Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off. Dwight dwight Dwight! Angela angela Let's get to it. Dwight dwight No! No! Angela angela Give it a whirl. Dwight dwight Dwight, I am not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal. Angela angela Stop your belly-aching and hose me. Shirley shirley I need you to hose my aunt. Dwight dwight No Dwight! Angela angela OK you are useless. Dwight dwight No, Dwight! Angela angela Give me the hose! Dwight dwight No Dwight, I won't- [hoses Dwight] Angela angela Ahh! OK! Dwight dwight [grunting] I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub? Angela angela Yes ma'am. Dwight dwight Good. Angela angela This is not an office so much as it is a uh, rec room with a bunch of computers in it. Frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the gar-bage. But unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do. So. That ain't gonna happen. He's a temp, don't worry about him. Alice! Alright, stay awake ok? Mark mark Hey Nellie. Mmm. I am so sick of February. It's the shortest month but it sure doesn't feel that way. We should catch up. Toby toby Um. Nellie nellie Y'know I've been going over my notes from the trial... Toby toby Oh no. Nellie nellie ...feel like I may have glossed over a few... Toby toby No no no no. Nellie nellie ...minor points. Toby toby No. Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton Strangler. Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes. Nellie nellie I've been drafting a letter. Toby toby For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just- I don't want to hear it! Nellie nellie My aunt Joan. Oh, uh well, she uh, she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved. In fact, to be honest with you I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people. Ah, cute. Not work on this...work on this months. Ok Nana? Uh, when I say "Chillax" people chillax. Watch this. Hey Roger, chillax! Must not have heard me. Mark mark No. I heard you. Roger roger Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition! [laughs] Kids in the Hall. Just, it's not high pressure. Just a little Coffee Talk. Ok? Like butta. Come on in here. Mike Myers. Mark mark [Mouths] Oh my god. Pam pam Thank you! Thanks, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back. OK? Instead you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend. Andy andy Hey boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks, I emailed him shots of my junk.... Meredith meredith Ugh. Andy andy Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. Meredith meredith Come on Andy, they're a good match. Phyllis phyllis That doesn't matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings. Andy andy Hey, Andy. Darryl darryl What?! Andy andy You've got a booger bubble going on there. Darryl darryl [wipes nose] Sorry. Andy andy It's ok. Darryl darryl My whole life is a booger bubble! Andy andy This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom. [Pam laughs] From The Smurfs movie. Mark mark Yeah, I've seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny, but I've actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural- Pam pam What does this say here? To ti te per tat... what language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second, now I can read it. Mark mark Oh, cause it was upside down. [both laugh] Pam pam You're a good audience. [Pam laughs] Mark mark So um- Pam pam Unlike some of these people around here. Mark mark Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the- Pam pam Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume and here's why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah. You don't jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. I mean they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean...you think they like me, Pam? Mark mark Yes. Pam pam [gets guitar] What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan! [playing guitar and imitating Bob Dylan] Pam Halpert is my name, and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got the pra- went to the Pratt Institute...You have children? Mark mark Two children, yes. Pam pam You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing. Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that's just being Pam. Well I'm kinda cute and I'm- but I'm married so...leave that be. Mark mark Hey. You got a sec to talk? Pete pete Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: penis. Translation? My manhood. Andy andy Yeah. Look, uh I understand breakups are tough. You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life. But you've gotta move on. Pete pete Great advice. Thank you, you can leave now. Andy andy Listen to him, Andy. He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear. Erin erin Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in. Andy andy Well, I've been where you are now. I dated this girl Alice and it was an ugly breakup. She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house. I'd run into her every day but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did. We're even Facebook friends now. Pete pete See? We can all be friends! Erin erin Yeah. Pete pete Just, get over it. It doesn't have to be awkward. Erin erin I do think we can have a fair.... Pete pete Yeah, so life gives you lemons and you've just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun. Andy andy Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? Uh, yeah I don't- not allowed to ask. So... Mark mark I am not pr- Pam pam You're not. Mark mark Pregnant, no. Pam pam I didn't ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant. Mark mark Wow. Pam pam Don't be afraid, it's a different chair. I don't want a guy up here. I want to you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window, I want someone- Mark mark I'm sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager. Pam pam It is. Yeah, you would uh manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls and uh you know, go for a coffee run now and again. Mark mark So, kinda like a receptionist. Pam pam Yeah, like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager because uh, it's less demeaning. By the way, how long are these uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. Pretty pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show? Mark mark Yes. Pam pam Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. I like scripted. Mark mark I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can't. Pam pam Ow! The braid is too tight. Shirley shirley Oh hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still. Angela angela Yes ma'am. Shirley shirley I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way. Angela angela Ok. Shirley shirley There. Angela angela Thank you Angela. Shirley shirley I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. I'm gonna talk to the strangler. Toby toby Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler. Nellie nellie Don't use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It's a devil name. Darryl darryl Well I just wanted to say I'm doing it. [Toby leaves] Toby toby He's doing it. Nellie nellie [on phone] hey! Pam pam Hey, how'd the interview go? Jim jim Oh my gosh, wait until you. This guy was unbelievable. Ok so- Pam pam I can't wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at eight? And uh, don't eat because I'm ordering in. Jim jim Eight? Really? Pam pam I'll make it worth your while, I promise. Jim jim Sure. I mean, it's Philly. I can kill four hours. So uh, yeah. I'll see you at eight. Pam pam Alright, love you. Jim jim Love you. Pam pam Hi. Alice alice Hi. Erin erin I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard. Alice alice Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk. Erin erin Ok, great. Thanks. Alice alice Fresh meat! Fresh meat! [Making kissing noises] Meredith meredith Just keep walking, don't give her anything. She'll take it and run. I'm Erin by the way. Erin erin Nice to meet you. Cute sweater. Alice alice Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk. Erin erin I'm Kevin. Kevin kevin Pete? Alice alice Alice. Oh man. Pete pete It's uh, been a while, huh? Alice alice What, do you two know each other? Erin erin Yeah. We uh, have a history. Pete pete Oh. Erin erin History. Wow, ok. We dated for two years. Alice alice That's so random. Erin erin Well. Is it? Pete pete Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no. [runs to front office] Erin erin Hey Erin, look who's back. The bird man. Creed creed Hello beautiful. Gabe gabe Didn't you two used to do it? Kevin kevin We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that. Gabe gabe She's looking good. Creed creed Hi, I'm uh, Toby Flenderson. I'm here to see George Howard Scubb. Toby toby This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? [imitating Humphrey Bogart] I think this is a start of my first friendship. Toby toby So Pete was a librarian? Clark clark He worked as a librarian freshman year. Alice alice Was he like the sexy librarian? Clark clark Ok. Pete pete Is there like somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her. Alice alice Hi. Andy andy Hi. Alice alice Hi, how's it going? Andy andy Hi. [laughs] Good. I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p- Alice alice Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with? Andy andy Andy, that is really inappropriate. Pete pete Awkward. Andy andy It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived. Pete pete [high pitched] Really uncomfortable situation. Andy andy Yeah. Pete pete It's alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean we all just gotta "move on". Ain't that right professor lecture much? Uh, question. How's that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm. [leaves] Andy andy So there's no marketing department. Alice alice No. Clark clark No. Pete pete You know, times were tough. I was unemployed, I was still heart-broken over you, I've lost a good fifty pounds. But as you can see I put all that weight right back on. Feel how fat my buttocks are. Yeah, it's crazy. Touch it. It's like a warm pumpkin. Gabe gabe So Andy just called you up out of the blue? Erin erin Yeah. He told me you two broke up. Gabe gabe Yeah. Erin erin You must be pretty horny. [Erin shakes head no] Gabe gabe well, the good news is no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? [Toby nods] One week? [Toby shakes head] Ok, two weeks? [Toby nods] Ok. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice. Isn't that the expression? No. Well, anyway, it was, it was very brave. It really was quite brave. Nellie nellie I feel like a show pony. Shirley shirley And you look like one too. Thank you Angela. Dwight dwight You're welcome. Would you like some stew? Angela angela By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela? Dwight dwight Mmhm. Angela angela Would you like the stink sack? Dwight dwight Is it any good? Angela angela No, you don't eat it. It's a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack. Dwight dwight Thank you. [both laugh] Angela angela So, when's the wedding? Shirley shirley Oh, um actually uh, we are just friends. Angela angela That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing. Shirley shirley Hello? Pam pam Hey! Back here. Jim jim Oh, wow. Seriously? Oh my gosh, is that champagne? Pam pam Si, senor. Jim jim Oh, Jim I should have told you I didn't get the job. Pam pam Oh man. I'm so sorry. Are you alright? Jim jim Oh, yeah. I'm more than alright. There's just nothing to celebrate. Pam pam Are you kidding? We're in Philly. We're having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here. Jim jim [laughs] You're very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny. Pam pam Alright. So, tell me all about it. Jim jim Ok. Well, gosh. Thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you. Dwight dwight It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon. [They shake hands. Then kiss] Dwight, Dwight. Angela angela Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or, we could use the slaughterhouse. Dwight dwight No, Dwight. The Senator. Angela angela Leave him. He probably won't even notice that you're gone. Be with me, Monkey. Dwight dwight I can't be your monkey, Dwight. Angela angela I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you. Dwight dwight I made a vow. I gave my word. Angela angela Stand by your man. It's what I would want if you were mine. Dwight dwight Good night, D. Angela angela How are you doing? Is it really rough? Erin erin It is so unpleasant. You? Pete pete Hey, love turds. Conference room, now. Andy andy Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone's day? Andy andy Honestly, it was a little weird. Gabe gabe Really? Hmm. That's interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item? Andy andy I still wear Erin's button-downs around the condo sometimes. So it feels to me like we're still in a relationship- Gabe gabe Gabe! Erin erin ...a lot of the time. Gabe gabe And Alice, uh, I understand you once dumped Pete, ouch. Andy andy Dude, it was an amicable break up Andy. Pete pete Ok, while we're rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem. Alice alice It was college. That is what you do. Pete pete Yeah you're also supposed to go to classes, so there's that. Alice alice Hey, Andy, is this at all work related? Erin erin We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you? Andy andy [laughs] Oh no no no no no no. She wouldn't even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out. Gabe gabe Gabe, can you stop talking? Cause every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican. Erin erin I got a tattoo for you. Gabe gabe I didn't ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you! Erin erin Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing. Gabe gabe So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete. Alice alice She's nice to me. Pete pete How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher. Alice alice Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let's- Erin erin I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle. Gabe gabe Oh my god. Pete pete What kind of music are you into, Peter? Gabe gabe Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe. Pete pete Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan? Gabe gabe No! Pete pete Erin, are you even hearing this? Gabe gabe He didn't even say that. Erin erin He is not a very sophisticated man, I mean he can't even use chopsticks, so. Do I need to say anything else? Alice alice Erin, I've been to Japan. I know how to use chopsticks so well. Come back. One night. Gabe gabe Gabe, I don't- Erin erin Give me one night with you... Gabe gabe What is that supposed to mean? Erin erin I have shaved everything... Gabe gabe I don't want you to shave everything. Erin erin I wasted two years of my life on you, you realize that right?! Alice alice I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man. [Erin and Gabe argue in background] Pete pete I am as smooth as a porpoise. {Erin argues] Gabe gabe Why don't you say in the beginning: "This isn't really going that well" Pete pete Shove his sashimi! Gabe gabe What do you-! Erin erin Because I had to wait- [all argue] Alice alice Alright, yes. That is a legitimate question. Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? [Erin & Gabe and Alice & Pete argue in background] Yeah. Yeah, it does. Andy andy So, imagine like the real estate version of Michael Scott and that was this guy. He did half the interview as Ace Ventura. Pam pam Tell me about the cologne. How much? Jim jim Oh, uh, entire bottle. At least. Pam pam You're definitely hoarding this by the way. Jim jim Guess what poster he had on his wall? Pam pam Austin Powers. Jim jim MmMm. Pam pam Ferris Bueller. Jim jim MmMm. You're getting colder. Pam pam Not Night at the Roxbury. Jim jim [laughs] No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Pam pam I'm sorry, how did you think I was expected to guess that? Jim jim I don't know, but it's interesting right? Pam pam It's fascinating. Jim jim He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it. It's like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day. Pam pam That's amazing. Well, listen. You can't win 'em all, right? Jim jim Mmhm. Pam pam So, next interview has to be better. Jim jim I don't know. Pam pam What do you mean? Of course it will. You're amazing. Jim jim I know. It's just even if it was, a great boss and a great job, I just, I don't know, I don't know if I want, um, I don't know if I want this. Pam pam [long pause] Huh. This is a little out of left field. Jim jim Is it? I just, I liked our life in Scranton. Pam pam And I have started a business in Philadelphia. [Pam shrugs] Jim jim My grandfather know. Mah Jong will be here to stay. Hobbies of the East continues in a moment. Oscar's Computer oscars-computer You could all be doing this, just saying. Oscar oscar I watch way too many ads online and I don't do enough situps. So I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online. Oscar oscar Why can't you just do regular sit-ups? Stanley stanley I'll tell you why. Because...the floor...is...disgusting. Yeah, my trainer said everybody fails working out, that's how you win. Alright [tries to pull himself up] Ok. Kevin? A little help buddy? Oscar oscar Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now? Kevin kevin Can someone please help me? Oscar oscar Ow, these teas are hot, can someone help me please? [Erin moves Oscar out of the way for Phyllis] Phyllis phyllis Just- People! I'm not going anywhere. Soon, my core will get strong again and when that happens I'll be able to- Head rush! Ah! Can someone please help me? [Kevin shuts door] I- Hey! I'm not going anywhere! I'll be right here! Oh that's not good. [Oscars computer reads: Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace. Ten years in the making, a look at the lives and loves of an average American small business office.] Hey guys! I've got twenty bucks for anyone who will help me. Kevin, would you like a pizza? Oscar oscar