[to Jim] Hey. I feel so lucky we're in the same city for Valentine's Day. Pam pam It's like magic. Or, it's like me getting on my hands and knees and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday. Jim jim [makes magic trick hand gesture] Alakazam! Pam pam By the way, they do need an extra day next week. Jim jim And, poof! He disappears. [Jim snaps, playing along] Pam pam [to Pete] Hey! Wanna play hookey today? Erin erin Oh, maybe. What do you have in mind? Pete pete We can do anything you want. Erin erin I really wanna have fun today because tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. Andy's coming back from his stupid, dumb boat trip. He's been rude. He's been selfish. I think he's a big jerk. And I'm breaking up with him. Bam, Andy! How do you like me now?... I hope as a friend. Erin erin Erin says she's gonna break up with Andy, but I'm not sure. He's coming back tomorrow and surprise, today, she wants to do whatever I'd like. You know, when I was a kid, we had a dog who go real sick and we had to 'send him to a farm'. And on his last day, we did everything he loved. Pete pete [has an idea and reveals a frisbee from under her desk] Wanna play catch in the parking lot? Erin erin [slightly surprised] Sure. Pete pete Great. Erin erin I'll get my coat. Pete pete Perfect. [Pete walks away eying the camera knowingly] Erin erin [knocks on Andy's door, then pretends to answer as Andy] Come in. Dwight dwight [talking to Andy's empty chair] Andy, hi. I just made another huge sale for the company that you manage. I need you to authorize that expense report and sign off on that contract. Dwight dwight [pretending to be Andy] I would be happy to. It would be my pleasure, Mr. Schrute. Rick-a-dick-doo, rick-a-dick-dick-dick, rick-a-dick-doo. Dwight dwight I really like Andy these days. He's pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. [thinks for a moment] Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown. Dwight dwight Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now, Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's goodbye chunky, lemon milk. Kevin kevin [to entire office]OK, I'll say it. I wish Andy had stayed on his trip. Kevin kevin I say we all have one last fun boss-less day. Nellie nellie Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out. No consequences. Meredith meredith Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your [to Nellie] boyfriend. But, I mean, if you don't have one of those you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness. Phyllis phyllis Phil, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic. Stanley stanley Oh... Phyllis phyllis They have a nail salon there where I get my feet detailed. [to Meredith] They use a watch repair kit. Angela angela [to Angela] Ew! I'll be your foot buddy. Kevin kevin Everyone, it is our last day here with no manager. I say we go to the mini mall. Clark, you will be my fake boyfriend so I can get the discount. Nellie nellie It's what I do. [everyone begins to leave] Clark clark Darryl, everyone seems to be pairing off. Do you want to pretend to be a couple so we get the... Oscar oscar No... yes, yes. Why wouldn't I... wanna pretend to be gay? Got no problem with that. Darryl darryl All right, it'll be easy. Don't be nervous, just follow my... Oscar oscar [interrupting] Stop talking 'bout it. I said I'm fine with it. Darryl darryl [eating] These are gross. Pam pam They are terrible. Jim jim Oh, hey, don't fill up on chocolates. I made us a lunch reservation at State Street Grill. Pam pam Oh my god. That's so romantic. Jim jim It's with Brian and Alyssa. Pam pam Oh my god. That's less romantic. Jim jim I know. But we should go. We need to thank him for, you know, saving my life. Pam pam Yeah, yeah. No, totally. That's good. So, should we just get a bottle of wine later and celebrate? Jim jim That sounds nice. Pam pam I'm very excited to see Brian. Brian's a great guy. And Pam and I have gotten really close to he and his wife, Alyssa over the years. And he got fired for protecting my wife from a jerk in the warehouse. I'm sorry, but you know him. He's a good guy. Jim jim Oh, tiny, poor lady is back. Oh, get the baby clipper. [other nails stylists gush over Angela] Nail Stylist #1 nail-stylist [to Clark] You take off your glasses. Nail Stylist #2 nail-stylist 'Kay. [removes glasses] Clark clark [nail stylist 2 giggles] What? Nellie nellie Your boyfriend. He look like a pretty girl. Nail Stylist #2 nail-stylist My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl, doesn't he? Yes, a very little pretty girl. And you know what, now that you are developing, we should go and get you a training bra. [both laugh at Clark] Nellie nellie Oh, you guys think this is funny? You know what? No more discount. [to nail manager] Excuse me. [gesturing he and Nellie] Full price. We're not together. Clark clark Oh, come on! Nellie nellie She's living a lie. Clark clark Turns out, I can't even be in a pretend relationship. Nellie nellie [to nail manager] Hi. We'd like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages. Oscar oscar No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple. Nail Salon Manager nail-salon-manager We are together. Romantically. Oscar oscar Two men? [other nail stylist speaks Korean to manager, both laugh] [gestures index fingers bumping together] Doesn't work. No discount. Nail Salon Manager nail-salon-manager Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes. And no kids. And we're taking our business elsewhere. [Oscar and Darryl exit holding hands] Darryl darryl [enters restaurant with Pam] Hey, Brian. Jim jim Hey. Brian brian Sorry we're late. Pam pam Oh, uh, no problem. I finished all the bread. Brian brian Ha,ha,ha, yeah OK. Pam pam What? Jim jim He's on a no carb thing. Supposedly. Pam pam Oh. Jim jim It's, uh, great to see you guys. Thanks for coming. Brian brian Yeah. Pam pam Are you kidding? Thank you, man. I mean, I've wanted the opportunity to say thanks for... everything. And I'm really sorry about the job. That just seems crazy. Jim jim It's fine. What are you gonna do, you know? But, if you guys know of any work, I'm fully available. Brian brian Well, my dad can't hear a thing. You could boom his whole life for him. Pam pam That's... OK, great. Does he pay well? Brian brian Where's Alyssa? Pam pam Uh, yeah. Um, you know, Alyssa's, she's not gonna make it today. Brian brian Oh. Pam pam Actually, we're not gonna make it. Um... we're splitting up. Brian brian [to Andy's empty chair] I have yet another sales order for you to sign. Dwight dwight [acting as Andy] Why thank you Mr. Schrute. I don't know how you do it. You're a god. Rick-a-dick-dick-doo. Dwight dwight [in his office doorway, bearded and unkept] Hi Dwight. Andy andy You're back. [surveys Andy] And you're disgusting. Dwight dwight [as everyone returns to the office] Ah, geez. My nails aren't dry yet. I don't think I can work for at least a couple hours. Phyllis phyllis Well, well, well, look who it is. Andy andy Andy. Phyllis phyllis I guess I can cancel my order from Zappos.com because, oh, the loafers have arrived. Andy andy Andy! Erin erin Hey! Sweetheart! [approaches Erin] I have missed you so much. Andy andy [obviously avoiding Andy's embrace] Yes. [gives Andy high fives] Welcome back, buddy. Erin erin [attempting to hug Erin as she resists] I have been dreaming of this moment. Andy andy Me too. So much. I'm so happy. Erin erin I am really, really bad at break ups. Technically, I'm still dating my first grade boyfriend. I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And, I forgot to get him something. Erin erin What happened? We thought you were coming back tomorrow. Oscar oscar Well, Valentine's surprise for Erin. Hello? Super romantic. And I got you something. [removes wooden instruments from bag] Oh, it's a couple of pieces of bamboo. Big deal, right? No. These are musical instruments. It's so we can play island music together. Cause I have this. [removes güiro and begins playing and singing] Clop the cloppers. Yeah, clop 'em. It's called Bembe. [sings while Kevin echoes] Andy andy Hey, Burning Man, if it's not selling out too much, you might want to throw on a tie. David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour. Dwight dwight Obviously, that's why I'm here. I mean, I came back early to surprise Erin. Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart. [tries to embrace Erin but she begins playing cloppers] But, I'm just saying, I'm also excited about the Wallace meeting. Andy andy Why? Isn't he just coming in to rip you a new one for being gone three months? Clark clark No. Please. Come on, Clark. Wallace knows that he's been gone for the last three months. [Andy stalls] Right? Wallace does know that you've been gone for the last three months? Dwight dwight I have no idea. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know. But we've been in touch the whole time. I mean, it's not hard to get high-speed internet in Turks de Caicos, people. It's in every Bembe cafe. Andy andy He only emailed me four times. Erin erin Question. Where's Jim? Andy andy He and Pam are having their Valentine's Day lunch. Phyllis phyllis For two hours? Really? Andy andy So, you're concerned about peoples' long absence from their place of work? Oscar oscar If the shoe fits. [plays güiro and sings, Kevin echoes] Andy andy We were telling two different versions of the same story. And then, everything just went numb. Brian brian Well, I mean, that's OK. It doesn't mean that it's over. Right? I mean, couples fight. Jim jim Yeah. That's the thing. When we were fighting, it weirdly felt like the relationship was still alive. And, it wasn't until we stopped fighting that, we realized that it was over. You know, it's over. [overcome by emotion] I'm sorry, this is... oh my god, OK. [to Pam] We have to stop seeing each other like this. We have to find a different way to communicate other than breaking down in front of each other. Brian brian [obviously flustered] Yeah. Pam pam What? Jim jim At least my crying won't get you fired. Brian brian Crying? Jim jim I noticed that you landed the Scranton White Pages account. That is tremendous. Andy andy Thank you. Dwight dwight And you sold it to Jan too. Andy andy Yes! Dwight dwight I mean... I'm impressed. Andy andy [laughing together] Yeah! Dwight dwight Well, there's one problem. Couldn't help but notice that you offered a price point that was not approved by the head office. So... gotta run that stuff by me, Dwight. Andy andy You were on a boat. Dwight dwight I was... Andy andy On a boat. Dwight dwight That... Andy andy In the ocean. Dwight dwight OK. The issue is that you need to run this stuff by me. Coolio? Are we coolio? [Dwight resists] Just say the word 'coolio'. Andy andy I'm not gonna say it. Dwight dwight Say it. Andy andy Not a word. Dwight dwight Coolio. Andy andy No! [Andy makes a call] What do you think you're doing? Dwight dwight Just gonna call the Scranton White Pages and clear this right up. Andy andy Don't you dare! Andy! Dwight dwight [on phone] Hello? Jan jan Hey, Jan. Nard dog here. Andy andy Oh, Andy. Jan jan I was just looking over the paperwork. I found a little hiccup. Andy andy Really? Jan jan Yeah. It appears my employee offered you a price that he was not authorized to. Andy andy Hmm. Jan jan [whispers] Coolio. Dwight dwight Seriously? You're calling me a few weeks after finalizing our contract to gouge me now for more money? Is that what you're doing? Jan jan Coolio. Coolio. Dwight dwight No. No, no, no Jan I think you misunderstood. Andy andy Yeah. Jan jan Coolio. Dwight dwight It, it's, it's actually just an issue... Andy andy You know what? You know what, uh, Nard dog? There is an option in the contract that allows me to back out within 30 days of signing. So, I would like to exercise that option. Jan jan No, Jan! Please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything. Dwight dwight Jan, I don't know what he's talking about but... Andy andy Tell Angela to send me a final invoice. Jan jan Well, ah, ah... Andy andy Please Ja, Ja... [Jan hangs up] Dwight dwight Aw! That was not how I had hoped that would go. Andy andy [approaching Accounting] Hey, everybody, great job. [to Angela] Listen, we're a smidge behind on my paychecks. Andy andy Yes, well, as you know, we get paid on Fridays. And you haven't been here for 12 Fridays. [hands Andy a folder] Angela angela All right. Thank you very much. [examines checks] Looking good. [after noticing something on Angela's desk] Who's that little fella? Andy andy It's a bonus check. For you. From Wallace. Because the branch exceeded it's targets over the past quarter. Angela angela Wow, that's wonderful! Andy andy A quarter's three months. That's how long you've been gone. Oscar oscar Uh-huh. Andy andy Uh-huh. Angela angela Uh-huh... [after awkward pause] Uh-huh. [Angela hands him the bonus check] Thank you. Great. Well, we're all up to speed. Andy andy Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen. Dwight dwight [emotional] Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week. Clark clark He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky, lemon milk. Who needs him, right? Kevin kevin God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months. Dwight dwight I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf. Dwight dwight I'm not going to rat on him. No, Andy gave me a second chance. So, the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him. Meredith, why don't you? Nellie nellie Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover? Meredith meredith Hey! Erin erin Meredith, that's plenty. All right? That's more than plenty. Why does no one stop her? Pete pete Guys. I know that a lot of people are mad at Andy and, believe me, I am too. But, he has been through a lot and we all used to love him, right? So, if he's gonna get in trouble, just let it be his fault not ours. I don't want that on my hands. Erin erin Fine! The state he's in, Wallace will take one look at him and probably fire him anyway. Dwight dwight [appears approaching group, shaved and in a suit] What's going on in here, dirty players? Let's get back to busting some paper rhymes. Come on. [singing] Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Andy! [resumes talking] All right. Back to work. Andy andy OK, I can tell you're mad at me. Do you wanna just, um, I don't know, tell me why? Pam pam I don't know. I thought that was a little weird. You told me Brian got fired for the whole warehouse thing. And you intentionally left out a kind of major, intimate detail. I don't know, Pam, I guess I just feel like a chump. Who knows less about his marriage than the sound guy. Jim jim I didn't tell you about the crying because I didn't want you to know how upset I was. Because it would've stressed you out and you're always saying how much you don't want more stress. Pam pam Yeah, well. Yeah, OK. Well, then thank you. Thanks to both of you. Jim jim It's not Brian's fault. Pam pam No, you're right. And, and I'm not mad at Brian. And to be honest, I probably don't have any reason to be mad at all because I wasn't there. So, let's just forget about it. Jim jim OK. Pam pam I need you guys to tell me all the highlights from the last three months in case David asks. Just a few things I could sprinkle into conversation. Any big sales or office gossip. Andy andy Well, we had the Scranton White Pages. Dwight dwight Not helpful. Let's stay positive, people. OK? Andy andy [enters] Hey guys. David Wallace david-wallace Hey! David! How are ya? Ah, we were just having our weekly round table where we motivate each other. Not gonna lie, I get as much out of it as they do. Andy andy Sounds great. Don't let me interrupt. What ever you guys have been doing this last quarter, I couldn't be happier with the numbers. David Wallace david-wallace Thank you. Andy andy Well, finish up. I'm gonna meet with Val about that warehouse guy you had to let go and you and I will talk in 15 minutes? David Wallace david-wallace Great! Andy andy [leaving] Great job, everybody! David Wallace david-wallace [whispering] We had to let a warehouse guy go?! Andy andy You know Pam's mural? Well, Frank... Kevin kevin [interrupting] ... lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy. Dwight dwight What?! Andy andy Yeah. Dwight dwight There was a fire in the warehouse? Andy andy The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers. Dwight dwight Whoa. Kevin kevin This is what I'm talking about! This would be good to know. All right, what else? Andy andy We started selling balloons. Phyllis phyllis What?! Andy andy Yeah. And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on as the official spokes-babe of Dunder-Mifflin. Clark clark No kidding? Andy andy Yeah. In the European billboards, she's gonna be topless. Clark clark Wow. Go Kathy. She's like 50. Andy andy They're tasteful. Clark clark Good, good. What else? Andy andy Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank god, right? We needed the income after the fire. Andy andy What fire? David Wallace david-wallace The warehouse fire. Weren't you just down there? It's like burnt to ashes. Andy andy It looked fine to me. David Wallace david-wallace [catches on to the ruse] I am speaking metaphorically, of course. You know I have lots of irons in quote-unquote fire. Well, that's one of them. You know, making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire. Andy andy OK. David Wallace david-wallace I think you'll agree I explained that pretty well. Andy andy [preparing to leave] Thanks, Andy. David Wallace david-wallace Thank you. Andy andy All right. Everyone! [waves to office and exits] David Wallace david-wallace [enters Andy's office to find him playing güiro] Fish sounds great. Erin erin Yeah, I guess. Andy andy Really playing the scales, huh? Erin erin Yeah, it just sort of sounds like noise to me now. You think I need a new fish? Andy andy I don't love you anymore. Erin erin What? Andy andy I still like you, but you were gone a really long time. And, you didn't really email me all that much. You retweeted me, a lot to be fair. But I don't love you. Erin erin OK, I get it. You're unhappy. I've been gone a long time and we lost a little bit of juju. But, you and me, we have a future. There is a lot of love here. Andy andy I just said there isn't love. Erin erin On your side. But there's tons on my side. It's gushing. We're just out of sync right now. But that's just timing, it's timing. I mean, my parents lasted 38, 40 years. They were never happy at the same time. Andy andy I guess. Erin erin I mean, what do we have left? 35, maybe 40 years? If we're lucky. I mean, I have spent a lot of time in the sun. Andy andy You got really sunburned. Erin erin I'm gonna be a prune in like, 3 years. Andy andy Ugh. Erin erin I know you may not be feeling love for me right now but, if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference. So, I'll feel good. And then, eventually, maybe, you'll actually start to love me again. Andy andy You really think we can get that back? Erin erin Yes. [hugs Erin] Come on. Totally. Andy andy You know what? Maybe we should cancel that bottle of wine tonight. Jim jim Oh? Pam pam Yeah. I just feel like I got a bunch of stuff to do in Philly and I'm sure you have stuff to do. So we can just... I don't know, drop me at the bus station? Jim jim Are you sure? Pam pam I just feel like we're gonna fight. Jim jim [obviously hurt] Yeah. Pam pam So... how 'bout let's not? Jim jim OK. [they begin to leave] Pam pam Oh, um. [pulls item from bag and hands to Pam] Happy Valentine's Day. Sorry, I didn't have time to wrap it. Jim jim [sees it's a drawing of hers, framed] Wow. I didn't know you kept this. Pam pam Yeah, yeah. Jim jim Thank you. Pam pam No problem. Jim jim I don't think you should go to Philly tonight. I think that you should stay and I think we should fight. Pam pam You really wanna fight on Valentine's Day? Jim jim Yeah, I do. Pam pam OK. All right, put your dukes up, Beesly. Jim jim Hi. Erin erin Hey, you OK? Pete pete I couldn't do it. Erin erin Oh. Pete pete I'm sorry. Erin erin Oh, you don't have to apologize. I just... I just want you to be happy. OK? [Erin smiles and kisses Pete] Pete pete [bursts into Andy's office] We're breaking up. And just so you know, I was worried that you were dead. You were gone for three months. Erin erin [on phone] Hey, Andy. It's David. Still here. What was that about three months? David Wallace david-wallace