Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I'm having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she's cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it's business as usual. Oscar oscar Good morning. [clears throat] Oscar oscar Oscar... [sighs] can I ask you a question? Angela angela [whispering] Of course, ask me a que- questions. Oscar oscar Is it cool in here to you? Angela angela [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes. Oscar oscar I think the thermostat is acting up again. Angela angela It's the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I'm gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I'll just go downstairs. Oscar oscar Thank you. Angela angela No, thank you, Angela. Oscar oscar She doesn't know. I shouldn't be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love. Oscar oscar Well, well, well, it's finally happened. Pam has ceased caring. Dwight dwight These are my painting clothes.I think I'm gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. [Jim applauds] Pam pam Sure you don't want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one. Meredith meredith You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started? Jim jim Are you avoiding your phone call? Pam pam What? Yeah, right. As if. Jim jim Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there. Jim jim Last week Jim wasn't there, and they named the company Athlead. Pam pam I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace. Jim jim Tell them your opening line. Pam pam [sighs] Hey David, how would you like a guy who's not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia? Jim jim I think it's good. He likes fishing. Pam pam This is gonna be awful. Jim jim One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they're in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information's already on the computer, so....why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to "chillax," and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don't give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house. Fight the power. Pete pete Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you. Angela angela [upon seeing Dwight naked] Ugh! Angela angela Come on in, the water's fine. Dwight dwight Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on. Angela angela I know. That's not why I'm naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks] Dwight dwight Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh. Angela angela Oh, I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes. Why don't you ask your husband? Dwight dwight My marriage is in danger. I don't know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me. Angela angela [sighs] All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping? Dwight dwight Something like that. Angela angela Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force. Dwight dwight Can you arrange a meeting? Angela angela I can try. I'm gonna use SMS text. Dwight dwight Okay. Angela angela Text went through. Dwight dwight Okay. Angela angela All we can do is sit and wait. Dwight dwight Okay. Angela angela [phone vibrates] Oh, look at that. Yeah, he's free anytime. Not a problem. Dwight dwight I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly. Jim jim [on phone] Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there's a crisis -- the more I think about it -- David Wallace david-wallace Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I'm gone. Jim jim They did? David Wallace david-wallace Yep. Jim jim Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes- Maybe this can work. David Wallace david-wallace Oh, great. Jim jim Why should we help you? Stanley stanley Because we're friends. Jim jim When is my birthday? Stanley stanley Unfair. When's my birthday? Jim jim I don't know, because we're not friends. Stanley stanley How about this- You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case? Jim jim Now we're talkin'. Stanley stanley All right. Jim jim Yeah. Phyllis phyllis Make it go taller. Kevin kevin That's the idea. Pete pete No, not taller this way, taller this way. [gesturing with hands] Kevin kevin Well, I've gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher. Pete pete You're not getting this, Peter. Make it go wider... up! Kevin kevin Will do. Pete pete [entering] What are y'all doing? Darryl darryl Me and Pete are building a tower. Kevin kevin Cool. It should be taller though, right? Darryl darryl Obviously. He's a sweet kid, Darryl. But he's not the sharpest guy in the drawer. Kevin kevin Kevin, I can hear you. Pete pete Huh? Kevin kevin Ow! Dwight! Ow! Angela angela Get in the van. Dwight dwight God! Angela angela Is it safe to talk? Trevor trevor Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don't see them so I think we're good. Dwight dwight So what are your credentials? Angela angela I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I'm damn good at it. Trevor trevor Do you have a gun? Angela angela [snickers] Does he own a gun? Show her. Dwight dwight You tell me. Trevor trevor What is this? Angela angela It's the receipt for my gun. Trevor trevor You don't carry it with you? Angela angela Read the receipt. That's a $300 gun. Someone could steal it. Trevor trevor Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor's had stolen from him? Dwight dwight Now I keep it in a safe. Trevor trevor Mm-hmm. Good safe? Dwight dwight Oh, you tell me. [shows Dwight receipt] Trevor trevor Wow! Dwight dwight [studying mural wall] I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It's just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I'm gonna limit myself to one shrub. Pam pam You paint wall now? Hide hide Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that... Pam pam You paint now. Hide hide It's probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing. Pam pam I wait. Hide hide Sweet. Meredith meredith Yay! Erin erin That's what I'm talkin' about. Darryl darryl This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote 'sausage factory.' Pete pete Oh OOOH! Meredith meredith [approving cheers] Everyone everyone Boom! Meredith meredith Bang. Darryl darryl Yep, yep, yep. Kevin kevin All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed. Pete pete Let's find out what I did. Creed creed All right. Pete pete You get half now and half upon completion of said job. Dwight dwight And that's all off the books? Trevor trevor Obviously. Angela angela Nice. No taxes. Trevor trevor Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here. Angela angela So what's the job? Trevor trevor Murder. Angela angela Okay, that's the big one. That's the big "M." Trevor trevor You can't have someone murdered. Dwight dwight What if they deserved it? Angela angela What did they do to you, Angela? Dwight dwight They're sleeping with my husband. Angela angela Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you. Dwight dwight This seems a little crazy. Trevor trevor Yes. Crazy. Thank you. Dwight dwight But I think I'm up for it. Trevor trevor No! No! Dwight dwight Thank you. Angela angela Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch- Dwight dwight That's very effective. I've been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It's devastating. Trevor trevor No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer. Angela angela What about a knee-capping? Trevor trevor No! You're not helping, Trevor! Dwight dwight Yes, a knee-capping could work. Angela angela No. Angela! What are you saying? Dwight dwight You said you would be there for me. Angela angela I'm trying, but what you're asking is- Dwight dwight It's the only thing that will make this right. Angela angela Okay. But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn. Dwight dwight All right, then it's settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there's no turning back. Trevor trevor You know, truth be told, I think all you'll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I'm gone. Jim jim We've got all afternoon to talk about that. Stanley stanley Morning, folks. Waiter waiter I'll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster. Stanley stanley Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob- Waiter waiter Not enough lobster. Side order. Stanley stanley How much wine do you have? Phyllis phyllis I brought you a cookie. Oscar oscar Oh, thanks, Oscar. You're such an angel. Angela angela [talking into phone] I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we're good. Yeah. [exhales] We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah- Well, I gotta go now, but- Okay, bye. Bye. Oscar oscar There we go. Pete pete [cheers and applause] Everyone everyone Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex. Pete pete Oooohh... you salty dog. Nellie nellie Well, yeah, what can I say, a player's gotta play. Darryl darryl There you go. Pete pete Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I'm gonna let them think the other thing. Darryl darryl Okay, I got this one. Kevin kevin Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful Nellie nellie No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath. Kevin kevin [shouting as tower collapses] Oh no! Kevin! Everyone everyone What did I just say? What did I just say? Nellie nellie Hey, hey, hey, it's just a mistake. Just a mistake. That's what this tower's all about -- mistakes. Okay, if you're afraid of screwing up, the tower's not for you. Show of hands -- who here has never had a complaint? That's right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let's get back to work, huh? Come on, you in? Pete pete Yeah. Kevin kevin There we go. All right, let's do it. Pete pete You know, at the end of the day, it's really only two days. I mean, I'll be back in the office. If you need me for an emergency, call me. I'll be there... Jim jim You know what? I don't know where the years went. 'Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them. Phyllis phyllis Tell me about it. Jim jim Whose hands are these? [holding out her hands to Jim] Theyre not my hands. I don't know. Phyllis phyllis All right. You know what? Maybe we'll just... We'll go slow. Jim jim No. Jim... [wine bottle clangs on plate] Phyllis phyllis All right. Check it out. Pete pete [cheers and applause] Everyone everyone Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh! Pete pete Nice. Pretty soon, we're gonna be at the ceiling. Kevin kevin Whoo! Erin erin Can you hand me a card? Pete pete Um,. it's empty. Erin erin What? Pete pete Oh, come on. We could use a blank card. Nellie nellie No!! Everyone everyone That's cheating. Meredith meredith I could get us a complaint. Pam pam You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly. Meredith meredith No, I wouldn't. I can't even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I'd like to try. Pam pam Hmm. Yeah. All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam... Nellie nellie [chanting] "Pam!" Everyone everyone What? Why did you call me out here? Angela angela The target- it's Oscar, isn't it? He and the senator are gaying each other. Dwight dwight I don't know what you're talking about. Angela angela Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils. Dwight dwight Fine! It's Oscar. So what? Angela angela Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger's knees whacked. But a co-worker- Dare I say, a friend? Dwight dwight Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband. Angela angela I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me. Dwight dwight Well, you might be right. But it's too late now. Angela angela What do you mean? Dwight dwight He's here. Angela angela No! No, no! [groans] Dwight dwight Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me. Dwight dwight What? Oscar oscar Come -- come with me. Dwight dwight What are you doing? Oscar oscar There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They're extraordinary. Dwight dwight Yahtzee. Meredith meredith Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez. Trevor trevor I am Oscar Martinez. Kevin kevin No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside. Angela angela Wha- wh- Kevin kevin You know, there's doughnuts in the break room. Angela angela Nice! Yeah. Kevin kevin Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over. Jim jim Don't be pushy Jim. It's tacky. Stanley stanley All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that's- that's decorative. Jim jim No, there's wine in here. Phyllis phyllis Still decorative. Jim jim Is it white wine? Stanley stanley No. Jim jim [to customer] Can you help me? Phyllis phyllis Don't- don't- don't pole people with knives. Jim jim [groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle] ha ha! Phyllis phyllis Phyllis! Wow. Jim jim Ooh, bring it over. Stanley stanley Got it. Phyllis phyllis There's no time to explain. [descending stairs] Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps. Dwight dwight Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you? Oscar oscar What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who's the father of her child? Dwight dwight I don't know what you're talking about. Oscar oscar Oh, don't lie. I'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about. Now, let's get out of here. He could be right behind us. Dwight dwight Aah! Actually, he's right in front of us. Dwight dwight Let's get it on. I'm gonna do this. I might- I might puke, but I'm gonna do this. Trevor trevor No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He's a Dunder-Mifflin man. He's my tribe. Dwight dwight I'm sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I'm gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues- Stop! No! Trevor trevor I got it. Oscar oscar Disarm! Dwight dwight You don't- [all three grunting] Trevor trevor Don't move. And disarm now! [Oscar gets weapon away from others] Dwight dwight Okay, okay, okay, okay. Trevor trevor No! No, Oscar. He's a friend. He's a friend. Dwight dwight Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They're family-owned, but don't let that take away from your edge! Erin erin Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you. Nellie nellie Remember, you're a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this. Creed creed [into phone] Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I'm calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, "Hey, kool-aid." Yeah, your mama's fat. This is Pam Halpert. Pam pam Did she buy it? Pete pete Basically I couldn't tell, but I think... Pam pam Were they angry? Nellie nellie I- I thought they were confused at least... Pam pam Okay. Nellie nellie [phone rings] None none Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. [hangs up] Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client! Erin erin [cheering] Everyone everyone Nice. Nice. Kevin kevin You did good. You did good. Creed creed See ya later, Heymont. Pete pete No. Dwight dwight If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend. Trevor trevor What the hell, Dwight? Oscar oscar See ya later, Trevor. Dwight dwight you are incorrigible! Oscar oscar I just saved your life. You're welcome! Dwight dwight You hired someone to hit me with a pipe! Oscar oscar You deserved every bit of it! You made my husband gay. Angela angela What- what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him! Oscar oscar No. No. Angela angela Angela, until you face that, you're gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead -- I won't stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me. Oscar oscar Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you. Angela angela Angela, it's a lead freaking pipe. Oscar oscar God! [kicks Oscar] Angela angela Aah! Oscar oscar You were supposed to be my friend. Angela angela I'm so sorry. Angela- Oscar oscar Oscar. Dwight dwight Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert... Pete pete [cheers and applause] Everyone everyone For insulting a client's recently deceased mother. Pete pete Yes! Nellie nellie I did not know that. Pam pam Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life. Pete pete I'm so sorry. Pam pam Wow. Meredith meredith yeah. That's- that is terrible. Pete pete [cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower] Everyone everyone You did it. Kevin kevin Yeah! Erin erin I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day. Angela angela You're not stupid. Jazz is stupid. Dwight dwight [crying] Jazz is stupid! I mean, just play the right notes! Angela angela I know. You're gonna be okay, Monkey. Dwight dwight I don't like your friend Trevor. Angela angela I don't like him either. And yet I really like him. Dwight dwight Well, we're here. Perfect. [covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket] Jim jim We're gonna cover for you, ya know. Phyllis phyllis [chuckles] Stanley stanley Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or- Jim jim [laughing] I did enjoy grinding your beans, son. Stanley stanley [laughing] Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. Phyllis phyllis This is hilarious, but we're gonna stop with all- Jim jim Shuckin' your peas. Stanley stanley Shuckin' the peas. You should go back to the first part, though. You are gonna cover for me? Jim jim Yeah. Stanley stanley Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys. Phyllis phyllis Oh, my God, thank you. [hugging both] Thank you. Jim jim If you're an artist, you have to be okay with the idea that you can't please everybody all the time. Pam pam You paint very bad- Hide hide Shut up, Hide! I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him- or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I'm okay with that. Pam pam Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted? Dwight dwight That is- that is a loaded question. Toby toby My pastor said it can come from breast feeding. Angela angela He said that? Toby toby Well, he didn't fight me hard on it. Angela angela I- I don't know if there's truth to- to, uh, to that. Toby toby What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet? Angela angela Oh... uh... Toby toby Is it called red-vining? Angela angela Is it called red-vining? Dwight dwight I don't... Toby toby We heard it was called red-vining. Dwight dwight People red vine. Angela angela Where are gay mens' vaginas? Dwight dwight They don't have vaginas. Toby toby What? Dwight dwight No. They're just regular men. Toby toby When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis? Dwight dwight Uh... wow.... Toby toby