Morning, Dwight Fake Jim fake-jim Who are you? Dwight dwight Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight. Fake Jim fake-jim You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian Dwight dwight You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race. Fake Jim fake-jim Alright then Jim. Ahhh, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday? Dwight dwight Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me. Fake Jim fake-jim Please enter your password. Voicemail voicemail You have one new message. Voicemail voicemail How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders! Dwight dwight Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work. Fake Jim fake-jim You don't work here! You're not Jim! Dwight dwight Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico's at 7:30. Pam pam Oh great, can't wait. [Kisses Pam] Fake Jim fake-jim Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours. Pam pam I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim! Dwight dwight [Dwight shows fake Jim of the Halpert family portrait but notices that Jim and the kids have been replaced with fake Jim and Asian kids] None none Oh my--! Oh d--! Oh, how did--? [gasps] Huhhhhh! Dwight dwight Heyyy! Study buddies! Erin erin Oh, ok. Darryl darryl Getting things done. Awesome! Erin erin It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it! Darryl darryl Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. [pauses] Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament. Darryl darryl [speaking in French] S"il vous plait...dites-Moi...Ugggghhh les Bleagh! Erin erin Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat. Dwight dwight I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there! Erin erin You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild. Dwight dwight Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads. Dwight dwight I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French. Dwight dwight Yeah! Let's do it! Erin erin [exclaims] Atherozar! Dwight dwight [shocked] Oh! Erin erin It means "excellent". And we have begun. Dwight dwight [asks Nellie who is tapping a pen on her desk]. Is everything okay? Pam pam Hmm? Oh--oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine. I'm mean, I d--I just don't wanna--burden you with my massive stress freak outs! Nellie nellie Great. Pam pam It's just that I am taking my driver's license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I've had no time to do that, thanks to "Demandy"...[Points to Andy's office with her thumb]. I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! But...in who's car? Nellie nellie [yells] Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here. Andy andy [sighs] Nellie nellie Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime. Pam pam Oh, Pam, thank you! You are my savior! [hugs Pam] Nellie nellie [giggling] ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Nellie and Pam nellie pam [to Jim] I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch. Pam pam Don't worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I've been wanting to try. Jim jim This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com Nellie nellie Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights. Andy andy Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama! Nellie nellie As in... Andy andy Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children. Nellie nellie [silently mouths] Wow! Andy andy This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us. Andy andy My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama. Andy andy I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, "What's your stance on politics?" Or, "What is the best war to do?" And, I will just be like, "Duhhhh!" Erin erin Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama. Andy andy [Clark and Peter clap] None none Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm. Pete pete So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders. Clark clark Oooohhhhhhhh! Clark clark [They clap when Andy slams dunks his garbage into the bin] None none [They clap when Andy prints a paper copy out] None none [They clap when the water cooler jar makes bubbles while Andy is standing next to it.] None none It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome. Clark clark Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point. Pete pete Just clap through it, man. Clark clark You log in sales at ten different times. If you log 'em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching. Darryl darryl That was really good, Darryl. Jim jim Life hacking, man. Darryl darryl There he is! Andy andy Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me--[gets interrupted by Andy]. Jim jim [shushing Jim] Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady? Andy andy Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross. Darryl darryl It's me! [chuckles] I am related to Michelle Obama. Andy andy What?! Really? Darryl darryl I mean, it's distant, but... Andy andy [chuckles in agreement] Huh ha! That's cool, man. Darryl darryl Right? Andy andy Darryl said, "Cool, man." He called me as cool man. Andy andy You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat. Pam pam Mmmm--the thing is Pam, I'm gonna be eating while I'm driving, so, I might as well get good at it. Nellie nellie Brake lights. Break lights! Break lights! Break lights!!! Pam pam Whhooooo! Nellie nellie I'm just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person? Oscar oscar You think that Andy's family owned slaves? Phyllis phyllis Well somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy. Stanley stanley I throat-rip. Dwight dwight Foth aggendak! Erin erin You throat-rip. Dwight dwight Foth aggendi! Erin erin He/she/it throat rips. Dwight dwight Foth aggenda! Erin erin More of a, barbaric growl. Dwight dwight [in a barbaric growl] Forth aggenda! Erin erin Louder! You're shouting it from the back of a horse! Dwight dwight Wah!! Aggenda!! Erin erin Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh? Pam pam [laughs mischievously] Yeeeeahhhh! It's almost unbelievable! Nellie nellie What? Pam pam Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately. Nellie nellie Sure. Pam pam Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up! Nellie nellie So he's not related to Michelle Obama? Pam pam Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer. Nellie nellie [laughs] Pam pam Nellie's pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun. Pam pam [whispers] Pam! [she pretends to slam a wrench over the tire service guy's head]. Nellie nellie [laughs] Pam pam Well, if there's another explanation, I don't really see what it could possibly be. I--[gets cut by Andy barging into the convo] Oscar oscar What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. [chuckles] I still need weekly status reports from most of you, sooooo, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work! [Mimicks smacking everyone with a whipl]. Andy andy Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today. Oscar oscar Why? Is it employee's day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays. Andy andy Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely, your family were--slave owners. Oscar oscar Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners? Andy andy [everyone raises their hands.] None none Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament. Darryl darryl Hey mom, it's Andy. Give me a call when you get a chance gotta quick question for you, uhhhh no big deal just about America's national shame, thanks, Bye. Andy andy [Continues] Where were we? Uhhhh, yes. Okay. Your...productivity thing. None none Yes, yes, yes. Darryl darryl Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum, yum! Andy andy I included some time saving ideas... Darryl darryl Huh huh huh. Look, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now. Andy andy Look, Andy, even if your ancestors did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault. This is only weird if you make it weird. Darryl darryl [snaps his fingers] Right on, brotha. Wurddd. Andy andy Addor! Erin erin Daraas! Dwight dwight Qazer! Erin erin Daraas! [asks the rest of the office] Does anyone here have fermented mare's milk? Dwight dwight Hey Erin! Pete pete Azem choma! Chomakka-attun! Erin erin Oh--okay. Sorry. Pete pete Oh, still, it must great to have something else going on outside of work. Nellie nellie Yeah--turn signal. It's exciting to be painting again--those are the wipers. So--the--its--just. There you go! Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, things get so busy with the kids--red light--that it's nice to have that creative outlet--red light! Red light! Red! Red! Pam pam That is brilliant, Pam. I would love to see some of your work. Nellie nellie Well, since we're stopped at a light, uhhh, here is...the mural I did for Angela's baby. Pam pam That's amazing, Pam! Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo! Nellie nellie Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed. Pam pam [to Erin]. Heyyy, has anyone turned in their status reports up here? Andy andy Vos! Erin erin So, no? You think maybe you could remind people? I'm trying to down play the whole bossy boss thing today. Andy andy Because of your slaves. Erin erin Not my slaves, my ancestors'. Maybe. Probably not. Andy andy Well, if it makes you feel any better, the dothraki word for "slave master", "attafrauk!", is a term of respect. I'm learning how to speak dothraki! Color you impressed? Erin erin That you're learning a made-up language from HBO's Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out! Andy andy Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language. Erin erin People laughed at Klingon at first, and now you can major in it. Dwight dwight Hi guys. Andy andy Hey boss! I am so thirsty. Could I have a scoop of water? Phyllis phyllis Yeah. You don't have to ask me. Andy andy [Phyllis lets out stifled laughter] None none Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to be--[ringtone of Dixie plays]. Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" by Paul Simon, featurinnnngg Lady Smith--African American--Mambazo. Andy andy Good. Very good. [cell phone beeping]Oh--no! Here. It's, uh, a text from Andy. "New special proj. Need fam tree for evbody. Really dig up dirt A.S.A.P." And then in parentheses, he wrote out "as soon as possible." Pam pam Mm. Ugh, looks like its pretend-y time again. Write back, "looking for dirt." Nellie nellie Oh, can I help? We could say someone is related to, uhm, Tonya Harding. Pam pam Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding. Nellie nellie Oh--gee--I'm-- Pam pam No! I'm just practicing my lyyiiinggg! [whispers] I love it. Nellie nellie Brilliant! Pam pam What should we say about Jim? Nellie nellie Ummm. Oh! I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon. It's an inside joke. He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up. Pam pam My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying. None of the sexual charisma. [pauses] I just made a joke there. Nellie nellie I'm sorry. It's just, uhm, I actually do have this weird feeling that there's something Jim isn't telling me. Pam pam Oh no! Oh! An affair! It is always an affair! Nellie nellie Jim? No. Pam pam [sighs]. How can you be sure? Nellie nellie Because he just loves me too much. Pam pam You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam? Nellie nellie I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol' family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States. Andy andy Ew. Angela angela Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt. Andy andy And John Wayne? Kevin kevin No. Not that I see here. Andy andy Wayne Johnson? The Rock? Kevin kevin You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon! Andy andy Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean there's nothing there. True--[touches his nose] Oh no. Jim jim Dwight's grandfather was a--[is interrupted by Dwight]. Andy andy Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So...[clears throat] Dwight dwight I was gonna say he was a tax evader. Andy andy Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho, the look on your faces! Hahhahahahahah! Hahahahahah! Dwight dwight And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden. Andy andy Cool! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! [mimics stabbing into Angela's throat] Meredith meredith Stop it! Stop it! You're frightening me! Angela angela Andy, did you call this meeting just to talk junk about our families? Phyllis phyllis Yeah, that--you're being really mean, Andy. Kevin kevin Yeah, Andy. Dwight dwight No, I'm proving a point, okay? We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and it's not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it. Andy andy The difference is, Andy, that you're the only be here still benefitting from the terrible things that your ancestors did. Oscar oscar Might've done. And how... do you figure? Andy andy Your family's rich! I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves. Oscar oscar You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth, could one day benefit society...if capital gains are ever taxed as the same rate as earned income. Andy andy [ringtone of Dixie plays] Okay, Kevin did that. I do not wish I was in Dixie. Andy andy [answers phone] Hey mom, how are ya? Did any Bernards ever own a plantation in the south? Andy andy [to the group] She said no! Take that! Andy andy [gets back on phone] Follow up question. Did any Bernards, ever, make money, in an unsavory way? Andy andy [speaks quietly into the phone] I just asked you! Why didn't you just say that? Andy andy [continues speaking quietly] Oh, stop! Stop! Stop talking! Stop taking! That's--no! I don't wanna know that. Ok. You're interrupting a meeting I have to go. Love you. Bye. Andy andy [faces the group] Well, turns out the Bernard's of yore did not own slaves. Andy andy Really? Oscar oscar We merely transported them. Which at worst, makes us amoral middlemen. Andy andy [Clark begins to clap but Pete immediately stops him.] None none Yo, d-dog. I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had. Andy andy You're gonna po' mouth Darryl darryl Exactly. Help me po' mouth, Darryl. Andy andy Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes to talk about productivity suggestions-- Darryl darryl What if I said that my dad beat me. And, I just left out the croquet of it all. Or, I could just go all the way and just say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy? Andy andy That could work. Darryl darryl You now, Darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here. Andy andy I'm going for a walk. Darryl darryl [with a sigh] Okay. Andy andy Good. Good. And--[Nellie hits the car against the bushes] Pam pam You doing alright, man? Jim jim I'm done. I gotta get out of here. Darryl darryl Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager. Jim jim It's not just today, it's everyday. It seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets. Darryl darryl Oh, come on, it can always get better. Right? Jim jim Hmm. Yeah right Darryl darryl No, I'm serious. There's always something better. Jim jim Like what? Darryl darryl Like hypothetically... if I said there was another job. That you and I could both have. Jim jim What kind of job? Darryl darryl Something cool. Like, sports marketing or... that sound something like you'd be into? Jim jim Hell yeah! Darryl darryl Right? Jim jim That sounds awesome! Darryl darryl Ok, but wait. What if I told you that it was in Philly! So you'd have to... Jim jim I love Philly! Darryl darryl Right? Jim jim It's not even a thought-- Darryl darryl Not even a thought! It's not even that far away! I could still commute! Exactly. Exactly! Alright! Jim jim What? Wait, wait, wait? So what? This happening? Darryl darryl Oh, it's happening! Let's just keep it between you and me for right now. Jim jim Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. for sure. Man! And Pam's into it? Darryl darryl We, uh, we haven't talked about. But I think that she's--I think she understands... what this is. Jim jim Oh, come on, man. I thought you had something real. Darryl darryl What? No, no, no! Come on! This is real! Jim jim It's not real... until your wife is on board. Darryl darryl So what did you want to show me? Pam pam That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it? Nellie nellie Yeah. It's really ugly Pam pam Needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinking...a mural. Nellie nellie You mean me? Pam pam Yes! You! You are soo talented! It's going to be my next special project. Hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall. Nellie nellie Oh my god! I love it! Uh, I--Nellie, this is brilliant! [sees Jim] Hey! Pam pam Hey! Can I talk you? For a second? Jim jim Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. She never loved you! Nellie nellie What?! No! I-I got this. [Laughs] Okay? Pam pam [quietly] This is his fault. It is not your fault. I'm gonna find you someone better, and rich. Nellie nellie And Filipino. But we'll break that to her later. Nellie nellie [to Darryl] You know what this is all about. Nellie nellie Yeah. You too, huh? Darryl darryl Yeah. Go on, spill it. Tell her all the gory details, youuuu sssnake! Nellie nellie Hey! He deserves this. And he said I could get in on it too. [whispers] Yeah. Darryl darryl Ohhh, Pam, nooo! Oh, I can't bear to watch this. Nellie nellie I don't know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world. Jim jim I still can't believe he didn't tell me. Pam pam I was helping Nellie drive--[Stanley interrupts] Pam pam Do not care. Stanley stanley Fonas chek! Pete pete Dothraas! chek! [giggles] Erin erin I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith. Andy andy [in agreement] Hmmm! Erin erin