Val, I need the space. Andy andy All right guys, clear out. Val val Everybody out. Andy andy Promise me you're going to clean up. Val val I can't promise what I'm going to do or not do. Andy andy Promise me that- Val val Obviously I'm going to clean up. Andy andy Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town who's saying, "Hey, we're uptight, you can't dance," and then you have to be like, "Oh yeah, Mayor Stress? Well watch this!" And then... we dance. Oh how we dance. [dances to Kenny Loggin's Footloose] Sex also works. Andy andy Hey! Jim's back from jury duty. Erin erin Hey! Tuna! He's back. Andy andy Hey. Jim jim Oh, look at this. [hugs Jim] Tuna wrap. Andy andy Okay. Jim jim [grabs Jim's wrist] Hand roll. Andy andy Yeah. Jim jim How was jury duty? Phyllis phyllis It was pretty uneventful, actually. Jim jim Can't believe they let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system. Dwight dwight What was the case? Erin erin Uh, hit and run. Jim jim Ooh, "the case of the hit and run," that's exciting. Erin erin Did you send him to the slammer? Phyllis phyllis Nope. Not guilty. Jim jim Of course you found him not guilty. [mocking voice] "Oh, he apologized and I just really want him to like me, mm." Dwight dwight We're best friends, actually. We're going wine-tasting next weekend, if you want to come. Jim jim Not coming, have plans. Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim I did get called in to jury duty. And they released me around noon, so, didn't think it was worth it to come back to work for a half day. And then the next morning Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids so I took an extra day to help out. And then three other days happened. Jim jim Ah! Angela had the baby! Erin erin Is it black? 'Cause that would be hilarious. Kevin kevin Why? Darryl darryl You know. Kevin kevin Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby? Darryl darryl A little bit, yeah. Right guys? Back me up. Kevin kevin Eh, a little bit. Ryan ryan Oh, did I win the pool? Kevin kevin Ah, no. Right month, wrong year. Erin erin Well no one won the pool. Angela wasn't due for another month. Oscar oscar We should all go to the hospital and visit her. Erin erin Oh, I'd love to but, um- Phyllis phyllis Aw man, I would but I can't miss any more work. Jim jim Well Kevin and I have to go, Accounting is its own little family. Oscar oscar Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom. Kevin kevin Everyone, our very own Angela- Gabe gabe We all got the email, some of us are going to go visit. Oscar oscar Oh, I am so in. Gabe gabe I love maternity wards. It's the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right. Gabe gabe Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets? Andy andy Mine was actually a pretty boring case, so- Jim jim How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us. Meredith meredith Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until six twice to cover for you. My wife got to the TV first, had to sit through damn Rizzoli and damn Isles. Stanley stanley Yeah, my car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change. Phyllis phyllis Wow, I'm really sorry. Jim jim Yeah. Phyllis phyllis I never considered that my week off would make everyone else's job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story. Jim jim [demonstrating with napkin holder and salt shaker] So Phyllis, he was here, and then the car came and did- he was like that. Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually. Jim jim You know, when I was on j-duty, uh, Strangler case, we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from- at Ernesto's. Toby toby Oh man, Ernesto's. That was our favorite restaurant too. Jim jim You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck. Toby toby Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas. Nobody cares about the empanadas. Meredith meredith I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants. Dwight dwight [whispering] Guys, I don't know how many of you have seen- Gabe? Bring it in. I don't know how many of you have seen a premature baby before. It's going to be really tiny, so please don't say anything offensive. Oscar oscar Got that, bimbo? Kevin kevin Got it, bimbo. [Oscar knocks at the door] Erin erin Yes? Angela angela Knock, knock. Oh! Oscar oscar Hi! Kevin kevin Oh... I don't- I don't want any- what are you guys doing here? Angela angela We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite. Oscar oscar Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy, Philip Halsted Lipton. Senator Lipton senator-lipton Phillip is so fat. Kevin kevin Kevin! Oscar oscar You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. But you didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby. Kevin kevin Hey. Angela angela Yes, he's substantial. Senator Lipton senator-lipton He's more than substantial. He's a monster. Erin erin So this whole hit and run thing, there's just one part I can't figure out. You said it was at a four-way stop... Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. Jim jim And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane? Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. Jim jim See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is, you never said he was on a bicycle. [villainous laugh] Busted, Halpert! Dwight dwight Okay, wait, wait. Jim jim Yes! Andy, get out here. Dwight dwight No. I never said he was on a bicycle. I just said I wasn't listening to you. Jim jim I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights. Dwight dwight What's up, gangstas? Andy andy Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him! Dwight dwight Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory. Andy andy I have Jim on the record saying that the vic- Dwight dwight No. Dwight! I have me on the record, saying to you, take a chill pill. Andy andy I don't- I don't need to take a chill pill. Dwight dwight Here, right there. [mimes giving Dwight a pill and a glass] Down the hatch. Andy andy I really don't want to take the chill pill. [mimes taking pill] Dwight dwight Attaboy. Good. Now, chill. Andy andy Okay, okay. [sits, exhales] But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty. You would have to fire him, right? Dwight dwight Yeah, sure, of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu. [Jim laughs nervously] Andy andy That's good enough for me. [exhales again] Dwight dwight ...and Pam was just going crazy, trying to take care of Philip because Cece has been out of control recently, and- look, Andy, it doesn't matter. The truth is, I just feel terrible lying to you. Jim jim I feel terrible getting lied to. No one's ever lied to me before. Andy andy Okay. I think the best thing to do right now is just come clean and tell everybody the truth. Jim jim No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned cover-up. Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up? Andy andy No. Jim jim Do you know why you never heard of it? Andy andy No. Jim jim Covered it up. Andy andy Are you sure you can keep this under wraps? Jim jim They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps. Andy andy My nickname was actually King Butt, because I had a king-size butt. Andy andy [pulls food truck up to where Dwight and Nate are standing] Where you want I park? Ernesto ernesto Okay, everybody, gather 'round. Got a real special surprise for you. [indicates Ernesto and assistant who are carrying empanadas] Dwight dwight Ernesto! Toby toby Hola Toby! [mimes choking] Ernesto ernesto Yeah, hey. Toby toby Como esta? [speaks Spanish] Ernesto ernesto Uh, I'm going to say "I" when I'm talking for Ernesto, so instead of "he says blah, blah, blah," I'm going to say "I say, blah, blah, blah," but that's for him. Anyway, it was something like, "He remembers Toby." [makes face] "I remember Toby." Nate nate Okay- oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar? Dwight dwight Uh- Jim jim It's the empanada guy. Toby toby The empanada guy! Jim jim No, Toby! [bleep] Damn it, Toby! No, I wasn't asking you. [sighs] Ask him if he remembers Jim. [Nate asks Ernesto a question in Spanish] Dwight dwight No. Ernesto ernesto He says, "No." Nate nate He says, "No!" Boom! Dwight dwight Yeah but who remembers all their customers? I mean, I can name like three of our clients. Andy andy Okay, he remembers Toby, the most forgettable man in the known world. [Ernesto says something in Spanish] Dwight dwight Ah, he doesn't want any trouble, he sees lots of people, they come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets. Nate nate Uh, you guys are going to love these. So, empanadas on me. You guys gotta try them. Jim jim Usually I'm a burrito guy, but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink. Creed creed Great. And while we're enjoying these delicious empanadas, Jim, why don't you tell us your story again? Dwight dwight Why? Everybody's heard it. Andy andy Walk us through it. What time would you get there every morning? Dwight dwight Hey, Murder She Wrote. How about we drop the whole 'Murder, She Wrote' thing, okay? Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there. Andy andy Why? Phyllis phyllis Why? Why? [looks at Jim] Andy andy Because my car broke down. Jim jim His car broke down. So he called me, 'cause I live near the courthouse. Andy andy Wait, wait. You live by the courthouse. So you drove from near the courthouse, out to Jim's house, and then back to the courthouse? Dwight dwight Thirty minutes out, thirty minutes back, easy hour. And I would watch that cute little tushie scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that. Andy andy [to Ernesto] I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food? Phyllis phyllis We're getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down? Andy andy Well, I think you handled it pretty well. Jim jim I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your [bleep]. Andy andy Okay, listen, all right? Dwight's on to us, he's going to figure it out really soon, so let's just get ahead of it, let's tell the truth. Jim jim [sighs] I don't even know what the truth is anymore. Andy andy Wow, it's so... healthy. Oscar oscar I'm going to call him Little Kevin. Kevin kevin No, you will not. Angela angela Is he really five pounds? Erin erin Mm-hmm. Angela angela Because I squat with five pounds. This- [squats, grunts] yeah, this feels like more than that. Erin erin No, no, no, he's nine pounds, seven ounces. Senator Lipton senator-lipton Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. You know what? I was under so many drugs, I felt like I was at a James Taylor concert or something, oh. So, what did you bring? Angela angela Oh yeah, I don't know if it's right, but- Oscar oscar Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper, you hit it out of the park. Senator Lipton senator-lipton Aw, preemie pajamas! Angela angela Again, it may not be the right size. I can return- Oscar oscar No, I think he came early just so he could wear these. Thank you. Angela angela I got Little Kevin Call of Duty. Kevin kevin This baby is clearly not premature. They're lying about the date it was conceived. It's very interesting. And her husband's gay. I don't even know which thread to follow. Oscar oscar Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention for a second? First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry, I didn't know that my absence last week would have been a burden on any of you, because, though I did have jury duty last week, they did dismiss me early on Monday. And I think you're going to find this pretty hilarious. I kind of, uh, well, maybe took the week off. Jim jim What? Stanley stanley Funny? No? Nobody laughing? Jim jim [laughs] You're screwed! Oh, it's happening. It's really happening. Dwight dwight What the hell, Jim? I covered for your bony butt. Stanley stanley Pam really needed some help with the kids, so, I promise my intentions were good. Jim jim Your clients. They're all mine. Dwight dwight Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up. And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse. Darryl darryl Uh, I did, every morning. And if I didn't, then I hope I die. Andy andy All right, well. Let's get this show on the road, shall we? Allow me to give you a hand. [puts Jim's things in a box] Here we are. So long, clump-mate. I'm going to miss you. Truth be told, I never thought that this was how it was going to end. I always thought that I was going to defeat you somehow. But you've defeated yourself. [laughs] Dwight dwight Dwight, cut it out. I'm not firing Jim. Andy andy No, no, no. You said- you said that you were- Dwight dwight I know what I said. Jim, you're in deep doo-doo. Do you understand? I have one thing to say to you, and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office. Look me in the eye. [gives Jim a limp slap] Andy andy That's it? This is crap! [dumps the box on Jim's desk and leaves] Dwight dwight [on voicemail] You've reached Gabe Lewis, I'm currently indisposed. Leave me a message. Ciao. [beep] Gabe gabe Gabe, it's Dwight again. Highest priority, triple-urgent. Call me. Immediately. That means ASAP. Dwight dwight I'm gonna find Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle. Dwight dwight Shh. Angela angela Honestly, I can return this for a larger size. Oscar oscar It's fine. Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right? It's not the barrio. Angela angela The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate. Oscar oscar Ah! Angela angela [giggles] Little Kevin. Kevin kevin Really? Angela angela Angela. Oscar oscar Fine, God. Philip was conceived nine months ago. Angela angela I knew that, I knew it. Oscar oscar The senator and I wanted to wait, but we had just seen Thor and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata. Angela angela Chicken marsala. Oscar oscar Right. Um, point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock. Angela angela Mm-hmm. Oscar oscar And now you all know, but you can never tell. I'm serious. Angela angela Dwight. Hey. Oscar oscar Oh, hey. Have you seen Gabe? Dwight dwight He went to the car or something, but he'll be back. Oscar oscar Okay. [sits] Dwight dwight Don't you want to see the baby? Oscar oscar Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now. Dwight dwight I promised I wouldn't tell. Oscar oscar So don't. Dwight dwight Angela got pregnant before the wedding. Oscar oscar What? Dwight dwight She got pregnant before the wedding. Oscar oscar How long before? Dwight dwight A month. [Dwight leaves, Oscar calls after him] You didn't hear it from me! Oscar oscar Yes I did. Dwight dwight Dwight? Angela angela Dwight. Senator Lipton senator-lipton I want to see the baby. Dwight dwight Oh, Angela will make you cut your fingernails. It's not worth it. Erin erin Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions... [whispers] willingly, or as slaves. Dwight dwight That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine. Dwight dwight He's hungry. Angela angela Oh, that's my cue to leave. Senator Lipton senator-lipton No, you don't have to. I'm going to wear this cover. Angela angela Still. Still. Senator Lipton senator-lipton You won't see- Angela angela [to Cece] You want a giraffe? Jim jim Yes, I am brining my kids in to help me get out of this hole. And you all remember my beautiful wife, Pam. Jim jim Hi. Wow, I really thought I'd be more excited to be here. Pam pam Whoa, whoa, whoa, game face, baby, game face. Jim jim Oh right, okay. Hey Stanley, it's great to see you! Pam pam Whoa, no, no. That's overdoing it, I think. Jim jim Oh, hi Stanley. Pam pam Split the difference? Jim jim Jim. Pam pam Okay, let's go. Jim jim Hey. Pam pam Hi. Erin erin Hi everybody! Pam pam What? Jim jim Hi. All all How about a little visit? Pam pam Wow, what a surprise. That's crazy. You guys get to meet the little heck-raisers. Jim jim Hey, Angela's back with her baby. Creed creed Yes, well, you guys all know Cece, but we wanted to introduce you to baby Philip. Pam pam Aw! You guys. He's licking on my finger, just like my cat does. Andy andy Let me have a turn. Creed creed No, it's the pacifier's turn. Pam pam All right. Creed creed Did you say something about this one bringing in something for these people? Jim jim [gasps] Yes! Cece wanted to thank everybody for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play, so she brought you a little treat. Pam pam Cookies? Phyllis phyllis No, but that would've been a really good idea. Pam pam That was a great idea. Jim jim No, she brought you drawings. Pam pam Oh my goodness, let's take a look at these. They're usually amazing, so let's see. Yup, they are. Uncle Andy. Jim jim Oh! Andy andy Oh, Aunt Phyllis. Jim jim Oh. Phyllis phyllis Wow, these are incredible. Cece, did you do these? Andy andy No. Cece cece She says "no" to everything. You know, she thinks my name is "No." Cece, do you want some broccoli? Pam pam Yes. Cece cece No. It's crazy. Pam pam Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to? Ryan ryan There's cross-hatching in some of these. That's kind of advanced for a two-year-old. Andy andy Cece, this is your big sister Kelly. Did you color this pretty picture? Kelly kelly No. Cece cece So then this means nothing to you. [rips picture] Kelly kelly Hey, Cece, why don't you draw another picture for us, exactly like this one, or at least in the exact same style? Andy andy You know what? I don't think you need to do things on command. That's very weird. I'll just take that. Thank you. I think we should just wrap up the show, kiddos. Right? Jim jim [cries] Mama! Cece cece Shh. Pam pam I don't know what else we can do here. Jim jim [cries] Mama, mama, mama. Cece cece It's okay. Jim jim Oh, it's okay, sweetie. Pam pam All right, all right. Okay. Jim jim It's okay, honey. [Philip cries] It's okay, it's okay. Pam pam All right, I know, I know. Let's just get this. Jim jim Shh. Pam pam Mama! Cece cece Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me. Dwight dwight Every baby looks just like you. Your face kind of looks like a baby. Angela angela Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding? Dwight dwight That is completely untrue. Angela angela Completely true. Remember? Angela. No. Dwight dwight You said that Robert was not fulfilling you- Dwight dwight I did not. Uh-uh. Angela angela -and I said, "I bet I could fulfill you," and you said, "I'd like to see you try," and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls. Dwight dwight That didn't happen. Angela angela And then I inserted my penis- Dwight dwight No! Stop it! Angela angela Into your- Dwight dwight Dwight. Angela angela Vagina and- Dwight dwight And even if it did, it's just a coincidence. Angela angela Admit that there is a chance. Dwight dwight I will not. Angela angela Admit it. Admit it. Dwight dwight I will not, it's not- Angela angela All done? Senator Lipton senator-lipton Yeah. Dwight dwight Mmm. Senator Lipton senator-lipton Yes, yes. He's sleeping. Angela angela Before I go, may I? Dwight dwight Sure. [gives Philip to Dwight] Watch the head, watch the head. Angela angela Nurse, you know that baby in there, baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision. Dwight dwight Who are you? Nurse nurse I just might be his father. Dwight dwight I don't know what that means. We're gonna circumcise him. Nurse nurse [Philip is crying] I know, buddy, I know. Cece, you want to come? Want to come out? Jim jim No! Cece cece Oh bud, I know. Do you have a pacifier or anything? Jim jim I'm looking, I'm looking for the pacifier. Pam pam Cece! Jim jim Okay, we're going. Pam pam Okay, okay, we gotta go. All right, we're going home, we're going home. We're going home, we're going home. I know, I know, bud. Jim jim Shh, shh, shh. Pam pam I know, I know. Jim jim You want to grab her? Pam pam I'm gonna grab her, okay. Jim jim Here we go, here we go. Pam pam Hi, all right. I'm just going to go down to the car and I'm going to put her in her seat and I'll be right back up. Jim jim [groans] We'll see you tomorrow. Stanley stanley No, no, it's okay, I'll be right back. Jim jim No, just go home. Phyllis phyllis It's all good, we got this. Darryl darryl I have a kid. Last week, Jim at home? That was no vacation. Darryl darryl Jim. Pam pam Just go. Phyllis phyllis Hey, we'll be just fine. Andy andy Thanks guys. All right, here we go. Let's go. Jim jim Oh, whew! Andy andy Dwight, what the hell? You can't smoke in here. Andy andy Oh, right. [sighs] The office looks different now. Huh. Smaller. Maybe I just feel bigger. Hello Gabe. Dwight dwight You had something important to tell me? Gabe gabe Oh, you know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant. Dwight dwight Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right? Dwight dwight I would love for everyone to just forgive me. But, if that's not happening, I'm not averse to just buying them all off. Jim jim Alright guys. You know how we all like the red licorice but it's always buried behind like a ton of black licorice? [points to pile of candy] Bought it all. Now it's like red city in there. So, enjoy it. Jim jim Mmm-hmm. Moneybags. Must be nice. Phyllis phyllis So you effectively spent what...four dollars on the entire office? Andy andy Uh, I can't get a handle on it. Am I cheap or rich? I can't... Jim jim You're nothing. When I think about all the gas money I spent on you. Washing my car to make sure you- Andy andy [interrupting] Alright. Well, enjoy the red licorice, and good riddance, right? [tosses black licorice into trash] Jim jim Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! So you're just gonna throw away perfectly good food? Darryl darryl It's not really food, right? Jim jim I'm really hating this Jim guy! Creed creed Ok, ok, ok. Jim jim I know what you can do Jim. Take those black licorice, then go get some of those red licorice, take 'em in your hand, roll 'em up real tight... Stanley stanley "And shove it up my butt." Jim jim Dammit Jim! You stole my afternoons, now you stole my line! It's not "shove it up your butt" it's....I'll kill you! I'll kill you dead! Stanley stanley Eat it. Darryl darryl I'm not gonna eat it. Jim jim Eat. It. Darryl darryl I'm not- Jim jim EAT IT! [Jim begins eating black licorice] Stanley stanley [on phone] They hate me, Pam. Jim jim They don't hate you. Pam pam No, it's bad. Darryl canceled go-karting.... Jim jim When were you going go-karting with Darryl? Pam pam It's a lunch thing. Jim jim Alright. Just don't worry, we'll figure this out. Pam pam I feel like a stranger in my own country. Jim jim Ok, drama. Pam pam Ok. Well, hey, you're not here. You don't know, Ok? It's intense. They made me eat black licorice. Jim jim I have a recurring nightmare that I've been wrongly accused of a crime and twelve of these idiots are on the jury. Stanley is fast asleep, Kevin eats the evidence, Phyllis's name is Allison but it really is Phyllis, Jim is foreman of the jury and pronounces me guilty. The cop takes me away and tells me that I've been a bad boy and we have sex in the hall. She leaves the handcuffs on. They take me away to prison. The guards are all women. [sighs] Dwight dwight Everyone, this is Officer Foley from the Scranton PD. Works down at the courthouse. I think he has something he's like to say. Andy andy I understand that some of you don't believe that Mr. Bernard drove his friend into the courthouse for jury duty last week. Officer Foley officer-foley Correction: we don't care. Darryl darryl Hey, aren't you an actor? Erin erin No. Andy andy Weren't you in Sweeny Todd last year with Andy? Erin erin Uh, no. Officer Foley officer-foley You hired your actor friend to come here as a cop? Darryl darryl That is so offensive and ridiculous. I- Andy andy So if I started singing "Down By the Old Mill Stream", you couldn't join me in a three part harmony. [Andy and Officer Foley shake their heads no, Darryl begins singing] Down by the, down by the, down by the.... Darryl darryl [singing] Old mill stream. When I first met you, down by the old mill stream [Andy & Foley hold "stream"] Andy, Darryl & Officer Foley andy darryl officer-foley [Low singing] Old, mill, stream. Darryl darryl Ho hah!....oh, shoot. Andy andy Mm hmm. Darryl darryl