I got a delivery for ya'. Delivery Guy delivery-guy Leave it at reception. Michael michael I'm supposed to deliver this one in person. [pulls out a gun and starts shooting at Michael, who dodges dramatically] Delivery Guy delivery-guy [pulls out two handguns and kills the man with an unnecessarily large amount of bullets] Clean up on aisle five. [Threat Level: Michael michael After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Michael michael Erin... what are you doing? Michael michael Guys! Guys. Did you guys know that our own Michael Scott has made a movie, and that he maybe will let us watch it, but only if everybody's dying to see it. Erin erin That's... That's. Well, don't put words in my mouth. Michael michael Threat Level: Jim jim We'd love to see it! Pam pam Sweet, I will go invite Holly. Michael michael Okay everyone, I know we're really excited to see this movie that everybody's in, but we have to remember that Michael is sensitive, so let's stay positive! And no laughing, no comments, just positive energy and we'll have a pure fun day! Okay? Pam pam Thanks mom. Creed creed You never told me you made a movie. Holly holly Mhmm! It's got action, it's got heart, it's got some bosom. Michael michael It's got you. Holly holly It's got a lot of me. Michael michael [laughs] I can't wait. Holly holly Ladies and gentleman, Threat Level: Michael michael [Stanley's voice as the screen shows Scarn Manor] Michael Scarn, well that's an interesting story. [headlines of Michael Scarn's success are shown as well as an article reporting the death of Michael's wife, Catherine Zeta Scarn] He was once the best secret agent in the business. That was years ago. Where is he now? Well, that's also an interesting story. Narrator narrator [Dwight Schrute dressed as a butler. Speaks in slow, deep voice] Master Scarn. Samuel samuel I play Samuel, Michael Scarn's robot butler. I wanted Samuel's voice- [robot impression] to be like this! [normally] But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advance android, almost indistinguishable from a real person. Dwight dwight Dwight does not play a robot. Michael michael [crashes cymbals by Michael's ear] Samuel samuel [lying on bed with a bottle of alcohol] I'm up. Michael michael It's the president. He needs you for a mission. Samuel samuel Tell him I'm retired. Michael michael It's Goldenface. Dwight dwight Goldenface, this makes it personal. Michael michael [Darryl, sitting at a desk in the Oval Office] Scarn, you're right on time. [cheering from the office] President president I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it'd be good for my daughter to see a black man as president. Even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time. Darryl darryl It's your old enemy, Goldenface. He's after the NHL All Star Game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one is personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan. President president We have to search the stadium. Samuel samuel Not so fast, Goldenface has taken all the concession stand workers hostage. Scarn, will you find these hostages, and save the game? President president [holding a quarter up] Heads I do it, tails I don't. Best out of seven. [flips the coin] Heads. [flips it again] Tails. [President winces each time he says tails]...Heads...Tails...Heads...Tails. [flips one more time and the quarter spins around on the table. Michael looks at it] Well, it looks like there's going to be a clean-up on aisle five. Michael michael Well, the hostages were scared. Narrator narrator [as a hostage] Don't you guys get it? Nobody's coming for us. Kevin kevin [Jim, with his face painted with metallic gold paint] Oh someone's coming alright, the only man who would care. [Goldenface turns in his chair, holding a golden gun] Michael Scarn. See I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then... I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife, and I'm gonna hump her real good. [malicious, deep laughter] Goldenface goldenface I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless. Jim jim [scene shows Michael Scarn driving through the rain] Well, the All Star Game was three days away, so naturally it was all sold out. The only way Scarn was getting in was in a uniform. Just one problem with that, Scarn didn't know a hockey stick from a Slim Jim. So he went to meet with the famed trainer... [Michael stops the car and gets out] Cherokee Jack. Narrator narrator [Creed wearing a tunic and carrying a mop, standing with Michael in front of an ice rink] Mop the ice. Cherokee Jack cherokee-jack I'm not here to learn how to mop, I'm here to learn how to play hockey. Michael michael Mop it. [A montage of Michael mopping the ice awkwardly and using an ab-cruncher, and slowly getting better. After a little while, Cherokee Jack Slams a hockey stick on the ice to stop Michael, then offers it to him] Now take this. Cherokee Jack cherokee-jack What am I supposed to do with this? Michael michael Mop. [a montage shows Michael sliding around the ice skillfully and hitting the puck into the goal] Cherokee Jack cherokee-jack Well, Michael Scarn was quickly becoming one of the hottest hockey players in the country. Narrator narrator [Ryan is acting as an official for the competition taking place. A line is formed in front of a line on the ice. Standing behind it are Michael Scarn, Oscar in a blue full-body suit, and a mysterious man in a hockey mask] Each year, the National Hockey League selects one civilian amateur to play in the All Star Game. It's down to the three of you. The final test is speed skating. [holds a gun to the ceiling] On your marks, get set... Ryan ryan Die! [The masked man pulls off the mask to reveal that it is Goldenface] Goldenface goldenface [Michael and Goldenface skate around the rink, Goldenface shooting with a solid gold gun, Michael with two pistols. Michael is out of breath at the end of the race] Nice try Goldenface, but you forgot one thing, to kill me. Michael michael I wasn't trying to kill you, I was trying to slow you down. [Ryan is seen placing a medal around Oscar's neck] Goldenface goldenface No! Michael michael Oh by the way! Goldenface goldenface Yeah? Michael michael How's your wife doing? Goldenface goldenface [begins to cry as Goldenface laughs] Michael michael Congratulations. Michael michael Hey, you came in second. Not bad either. Oscar oscar I am sorry that I have to do this... [starts choking Oscar to death with his towel] Michael michael Huh...[muffled screaming as he slowly chokes, and eventually dies] Oscar oscar I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Michael michael I'm intercepting a name. Jasmine Winsong. She works for Goldenface. What I can't figure out is, who is the Funky Cat. Samuel samuel Not who, what. The Funky Cat is the hippest Jazz Club in town. [stands up with his cup of tea and walks by Samuel, pouring his tea all over him] Michael michael Oh-[starts to freak out, but the scene is crudely cut short] Samuel samuel He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me? Dwight dwight [acting as a jazz singer at the Funky Cat, singing] They call me Jasmine Winsong. Jan jan [walking into the Funky Cat] Bingo. Michael michael He finished his movie? [frantically trying to open her car door, as if trying to get away from the camera crew] No kidding. Wow, that's great. Yeah that's good for him. Jan jan [singing gibberish while laying on the piano on stage] Jan jan [pulls out a recording device from his pocket and clicks it on] Michael michael [michael pushes the backwards button on the recorder] The hostages are under the stadium. [An assassin with a golden tie shoots her with a tranquilizer and she falls] Jan jan Jack Blaise. Michael michael You have to let us go Goldenface! We have families! Pam pam Ha! This is gonna show them [cocks his golden gun] that I mean business. See ya! [points gun to Toby the hostage's head, shoots and Toby's fake head explodes, the shot is shown repeatedly] Goldenface goldenface By far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was integral to the story. Michael michael Ha! [kicking open the gate in the stadium where the hostages and Goldenface are] Samuel samuel Michael Scarn! Kevin kevin Sorry about your friend, Scarn! Goldenface goldenface The joke's on you Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist. Michael michael [gives Michael a disgusted look] Goldenface goldenface We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb? Samuel samuel Hm? Goldenface goldenface We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb? Samuel samuel Hm? Goldenface goldenface We've searched the wh- ok... Samuel samuel He said, where is the bomb? Michael michael In the puck! [tosses the puck to Michael] Goldenface goldenface Why are you telling me this? Michael michael Because I'm going to kill you. [takes out golden gun] Unless! You forgive me for murdering your wife. [distraught, memories of him and his wife are shown on the puck in a dreamy haze] Goldenface goldenface Hey Goldenface. Michael michael Yeah? Goldenface goldenface Go puck yourself! Michael michael [dodges the puck and shoots at Michael] Goldenface goldenface Noooo! [jumps in front of Michael to receive the bullet] Samuel samuel That was not scripted. Michael michael [re-cocks gun and shoots at Michael, who looks shocked and scared] Goldenface goldenface More Tylenol. Michael michael [as a busty nurse] You've already had four. Helene helene Looking at her mother on screen, horrified] Oh God... [looks at Michael] So good. Pam pam You're lucky to be alive. Helene helene It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back, and balls to kill Michael Scarn. Michael michael Let's just make sure that everything's... Working properly... [leans in closer to Michael and the heart rate monitor, which was beating steadily, now beats very quickly] Helene helene You just said the bomb... is in the puck? President president Yes. Michael and Samuel together michael samuel-together Is that where you hid the bomb Goldenface? President president [walks into the Oval Office with an accomplice, Troy] Goldenface goldenface But why would you blow up the stadium? You OWN the stadium! Samuel samuel For the insurance money! I knew it all along! [the President, Goldenface, and his minion pull out automatic machine guns] You will never get away with this! [takes a painting of Abraham Lincoln and awkwardly smashes it on the President's head, runs out of the office as Goldenface and his minion shoot at them] Michael michael Where had I gone wrong? All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife. But somewhere along the way, things got messed up. Michael michael It wasn't easy for Scarn to admit that he had lost his self-confidence. And he hadn't of course, He just wasn't using it right now. Narrator narrator [in a bar] Beer me Billy. Michael michael [Andy as a bar tender with a Brooklyn accent] You don't looks so good, what's got ya down? Billy billy I got problems Billy. Big problems... Michael michael You got problems?! My TV don't work! I pay thirty bucks a month for the damn satellite what's-a-whosit, I can't even get the damn game! Now you tell me, what's worse than that? Billy billy [laughs to himself] Don't ever change Billy. Goldenface is going to blow up the NHL All Star Game tomorrow. Michael michael I see what you mean about problems. I know what'll cheer you up. That table of bachelorettes over there bought you this drink. [a table with Meredith, Phyllis, Karen, and Angela all say hey to Michael] Billy billy Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby? [winks] Karen karen Why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later? Karen karen I'm too depressed to save the big game Billy. Michael michael I'm gonna cheer you up, the only ways I know hows. [to a small boy in overalls] Hey kid! Hit G-9 on the Jukebox! Billy billy No Billy, I haven't done that dance since my wife died. Michael michael There is a whole crowd of people out there, who need to learn, how to do The Scarn. Billy billy [A funky beat sounds from the Jukebox and Michael starts dancing poorly] Well my name's Michael Scarn and I'm here to say, I'm about to do The Scarn in a major way. [the bachelorettes and the others in the bar stand up to join him] You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! [doing the actions he says to] You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! Michael michael [as a drunken man in the bar] If doing The Scarn is gay, then I'm the biggest queer on Earth! Todd Packer todd-packer [cracking up at the stupidity of it, the rest of the office besides Michael and Holly are concealing their laughter. Pam Is trying to quiet Jim up] Sorry. Jim jim [turns off the movie from the remote, the office complains] Michael michael I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. I think I was just relieved, to see that Michael Scarn got his confidence back. Jim jim Yeah Michael the movie is amazing! Kelly kelly It's like one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life. Kevin kevin You should enter it in festivals! Ryan ryan Or carnivals! Kevin kevin [to Holly] Well that's a... pretty good reaction. [Holly nods] Pretty cool, right? Did you like it? Did you like that? Michael michael Uh... which part? Holly holly Okay. [Stands up and leaves the conference room to the dismay of the office] No, it's not good enough. It's not good enough... Michael michael Some people are really popping on screen! Andy andy Hey. Michael michael Hey! Good movie. Holly holly Mmmm, good? Everybody out there says it's great! Michael michael I loved it. Holly holly Did you? What did you love about it? Michael michael Uhm, I loved that you got to work together with all your friends. Isn't that great when you can all work together like that? Holly holly No, no. Holly, this isn't Ocean's Eleven, where you get together with all your friends and just have fun and don't care about how it turns out. What'd you really think, honestly. Michael michael Uhm... Holly holly Is it, is it because you're afraid of where this is gonna take me? See, because I need you... to keep me grounded. Michael michael Not worried about that. Holly holly [angrily] It was eleven years, okay? This has been my dream for eleven years, and if you don't think it's great than you're basically saying that you don't believe in my dream. Michael michael Wha- It's your dream and you never even mentioned it before! Holly holly I talk about a lot of things, Holly! I was eventually gonna get around to my dream! Obviously! Eleven years I could've been working on the Scarn Nebulus. Michael michael Well why do you have to make a movie at all? Holly holly Because, if I don't have this, what do I have? I have nothing. Michael michael Really, you can't think of anything else that you might have? Holly holly I have my book on business, Somehow I Manage. I have my HBO comedy special, Here I Go Again dot-dot-dot. But you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie. Michael michael I'm real. Holly holly Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass. And I'm gonna go watch the movie with people who think it's great! And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass, I'm angry, and I love you. Michael michael I love you too. Holly holly I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen Antz, but I'll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug's Life, he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw which again was Antz. The thing is... I thought Bug's Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don't listen to your critics, listen to your fans. Michael michael Who likes Threat Level: Michael michael Michael! You have to get to that puck before halftime! Or the whole stadium will explode! Samuel samuel I know, it's a good thing my trainer and mentor is here to cheer me on! Michael michael Cherokee Jack? Michael he died. Samuel samuel [crying] This one's for you Cherokee Jack. [Michael skates into the rink of an already in-play match] Michael michael We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game, trying to qualify for states. Michael michael [he office shushes Michael to hear the movie better] That's fine, it's great! Jim jim No, no! Actually it's really screwed up because they [chuckles], they were trying to qualify, they were disqualified, they had to forfeit the game. Undefeated season. That's why there were so many people there. [Michael stands up, clearly realizing that his movie is not as great as he thought] Michael michael Why is your face gold? Pam pam Why do you care? Goldenface goldenface I'm just making conversation. Pam pam I worked in a gold factory, we had a boss, who only cared about money... Goldenface goldenface Hey... Michael michael Hey, I'm sorry. It is good. Holly holly No it's not. [kisses Holly while smiling] It's not. But, they really seem to be enjoying it. Michael michael Please Goldenface, let us go! Hostage hostage [ees Cherokee Jack from a confusion of heavenly light and smoke] Cherokee Jack. Michael michael I want you to take all of your frustrations, with women, the system, with everything. Take it out on the puck. All on the puck. Cherokee Jack cherokee-jack [laughs at the stupidity] Michael michael [skates forward, hits the puck, and stares in wonder as it flies by] Michael michael Yah! [kicks open the gate to save the hostages, hostages rejoice as Samuel unties them] [the puck is seen flying into space and it hits a satellite, Billy is at his bar and his TV suddenly turns back on] Samuel samuel Hey! We got sports games again! [people at the bar cheer] Billy billy [seen at his house counting his money] Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [The puck lands on his lap] Oh-[A large explosion blocks out his words] [The office cheers at the ending of the movie, Michael Scarn holds up a trophy] Goldenface goldenface [in Scarn manor] Some breakfast for me [shows a plate of bacon and eggs] and some breakfast for you. [pulls out an oil can and oils Samuel's circuit board on his back] Michael michael Oh yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot. Michael michael [phone rings] I'll get it! Man I love being retired! Scarn here! Michael michael [on phone] Michael, it's the president. President president Hello sir. Michael michael I need you for another mission. President president Ugh... [after a little thought] I'm in. Michael michael [the office cheers] Whoa Whoa Whoa! Isn't the president evil? Andy andy Oh yeah! [laughs] Yes he is! Michael michael No no, he's doing it to catch the president! Dwight dwight No, no Dwight. He's just being stupid. [the office laughs] Michael michael [in Stanley's voice, a chair is shown with a gray haired head sticking above it] Well, Michael Scarn was back in the game. And I bet you're wondering why do I know so much about Michael Scarn. [the chair revolves to show Michael Scarn, gray haired, talking with Stanley's voice] Well because I AM Michael Scarn. [applause] Narrator narrator [Andy rapping to a montage of scenes from the movie] Ahhhh, yeah! Threat Level Midnight! Makes all the girlies feel alright! From Madonna to Madelyn Allbrite, Threat Level Midnight! It's a threat, a level, a level level threat. He's the greatest hockey-star I ever seen yet. Threat Level what? Midnight! Threat Level who? Michael Scarn! Threat Level why? Apartheid! Gotta fight it, Free Mandela! Peace I'm out! Rapper rapper