[picks up pencil between his toes] Dwight dwight Why? Jim jim Twenty minutes a day Jim, that's all it takes. Twenty minutes a day, all feet, no hands and I'll have the pedi-dexterity of a chimp, and you'll be sitting there like an idiot. [attempts to place pencil in pencil sharpener] Okay. Here we go. Ah, yes. [accidentally kicks items from his desk onto Pam's] Dwight dwight Do you mind? Pam pam I'm sorry Pam, allow me to write you an apology letter. Dwight dwight You don't have to do that. Pam pam [typing with his toes] D-E-A. Oop, backspace. A. Dear. Dwight dwight [whistling, places cup of coffee onto Dwight's desk] Ahh, Thank you hands. Nothing else in the universe can do what you do. Jim jim [lifts cup up with toes] Dwight dwight Oh, don't worry about it. Dwight, its okay. You were wrong. Jim jim [spills hot coffee on himself] Uhh, aah! Dwight dwight Well, A for effort right? Jim jim [taps Jim's hand with his foot] Dwight dwight Welcome, start your morning right with a burst of blueberry. Or try plain. Hank hank What's the occasion? Andy andy Dwight said this entry was a waste of space. Hank hank I would like a muffa du blueberry por favor. Andy andy Eight dollars. Hank hank Eight dollars? Andy andy Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy, and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money. Dwight dwight [examines items on the reception desk] Mmhmm, China. China. Michael michael How was the dentist? Erin erin It was great. China. Michael michael Are you okay, what's wrong? Pam pam Everything here was made in China, Pam. Michael michael Yeah, its where they make stuff. Andy andy They used to make stuff in America, Andy. But we're falling behind, did you know that? China is a sleeping dragon that is just beginning to stir. Michael michael Oh, no. Erin erin Yeah, right here. It is right there. [holds up magazine] Anybody read the news any more? Michael michael China is on the move? Dwight dwight I found that in the waiting room at the dentist's office. This kid had the magazine I wanted to read, that's the only one I could reach and I read it and then I read it again. Michael michael My whole life I believed that America was number one, that was the saying. Not America is number two. England is number two. China should be like eight. Michael michael Hey Andy. Darryl darryl Hey Darryl. Andy andy You gotta stop texting me so much. Darryl darryl But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today. It's insane. Andy andy You need to change your standard for what's worthy of a text. Ask yourself is this something Darryl needs to know. The answers almost always no. Darryl darryl Got it. Then I will call you. Andy andy No. Darryl darryl There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you. Girls. And they'd all say the same thing. "I'm coming over baby." And I would text back "BTB", bring that booty. Darryl darryl Dwight, why is the toilet paper only half a ply? Stanley stanley I'm sorry, isn't that good enough for your anus? Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is. Dwight dwight Umm, Stanley. Maybe you could just unspool a little more each time you need to... Pam pam Don't tell me how to do my business. Stanley stanley Stanley, as a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee I feel for you. But, like you, I am completely powerless to the whims of the new building owner. Dwight dwight Which is you. Jim jim "Which is you" is not a sentence. Dwight dwight I disagree with. Jim jim Are you just gonna sit there, Office Administrator, or are you going to do something? Stanley stanley Dwight, can we talk about these cutbacks. Pam pam Pam, when I'm sitting at this desk, I'm a salesman. If you wanna talk to the new building owner, you should call Nate and schedule and appointment. Dwight dwight I'm not going to do that. Pam pam Well then you're not going to talk to the new building owner. Which is a shame, because I hear he's a very reasonable guy. Dwight dwight [on the phone] Y'ello. Nate nate Hi Nate, Its Pam Halpert. Pam pam Oh, hey Pam. Nate nate Hey, I would just love to schedule a meeting today with Dwight. Pam pam Let me put you on hold for just one 'eensy sec. Nate nate Sure. Pam pam [answers phone] Dwight Schrute. Mhm. Tell her I'm busy. I don't know, make something up. Dwight dwight Hey Pam, Dwight's being questioned by the police in connection with a string of dog-nappings that ha... Nate nate [hangs up phone] Dwight. Dwight. Can you please tell new building owner that he is screwing over all the people he works with, people he's worked with for years. His friends. Pam pam You know what Pam? You're right. This isn't just a business. This is a home, and I would much rather see a smile from Kevin than save hundreds on plumbing and electricity. [Kevin smiles] Dwight dwight Oh my God. Erin erin What? Michael michael According to the internet, the tallest man in the world is Chinese. Erin erin So much for keeping our secrets up high. Michael michael What's America gonna do? Erin erin I know what we're going to do. We're going to put our best minds on it. Michael michael Everybody stop working. I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower, where forks are irrelevant, and where every man, woman and child is expected to learn how to play the cello. Now open your eyes. Michael michael You never told us to close them. Angela angela Welcome to your future. Michael michael What do we do? How do we stop this? Phyllis phyllis How do we stop it? With a big idea. That's what America is built on, big ideas. Blue jeans, the Grand Canyon. Whose got one, whose got a big idea? Michael michael An idea bigger than the Grand Canyon? Pam pam Yes, indeed. Yes Kevin. Michael michael An antacid that you only take once a week. Kevin kevin Once a week antacid is the idea to beat. Anyone else? Nobody? Okay then we are... yes. Michael michael Michael! An antacid pill that you take once every six weeks. Kevin kevin Why not just go one for the year? Stanley stanley I don't know. Michael michael It's too big of a pill to swallow. Kevin kevin Alright. Michael michael What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy, and then we all kill him, but first we take out like a hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy. I bet you guys like that idea don't you? Erin erin I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it. I learned nothing. Erin erin I don't know what the [expletive] that was. Michael michael I say we bomb 'em. By 2020, they're gonna be the world's largest economy and they're getting a taste for protein. We'll all starve. Dwight dwight Yeah, Dwight's right we should drop a bomb. Phyllis phyllis No he's not right. We're not. Where would we even drop it, Phyllis? Did you know that in China there are fifty six cities with over a million people? You know how many we have here? Nine. Michael michael [gasps] Erin erin Actually, that's not true. I know the figure you're referring to, and it's a projection of fifteen years from now. Oscar oscar Thank God. Kevin kevin No, no. That is right now. Michael michael Michael, China's agrarian. Urbanizing fast? You bet 'cha, but still agrarian. Oscar oscar In terms of land, not population. Michael michael Come on Michael. You can... Oscar oscar No, no you're wrong about this. Michael michael Where are you getting this information? Oscar oscar I got it from NewYorkTimes.com Michael michael Uh oh, getting nervous Oscar? Kevin kevin Okay, someone look it up. Jim jim I'm on it Jim. I'm on it. Ryan ryan Guys its not worth it really. Guys this is not worth our time. Oscar oscar [reads text] "Are you watching this?" Seriously? Darryl darryl Well are you? Andy andy I'm sitting right here. Darryl darryl Got it. China has fifty six cities with a population of over one million. The US has... nine. Ryan ryan Suck it Oscar. Meredith meredith Well on the plus side all this worrying about China has made you smarter than Oscar, Michael. Jim jim Great. I was wrong. I'm wrong. Is everyone happy? Oscar oscar So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what? [laughs] I don't care. Michael michael Okay, now where were we before I bested Oscar? Michael michael Wow, so this building can get uglier. Meredith meredith I will not work in a roach billboard. Stanley stanley Oh my God, I can't look at roaches. Gabe gabe Michael do something about this. Angela angela Absolutely, Pam this is exactly why I hired you as Office Administrator, handle it. Taking care of business. Michael michael Dwight take it down. Pam pam [chuckles] Dwight dwight I'm serious, take it down or else. Pam pam Or else? Or else what? There's nothing you can do. Dwight dwight We can move out. Pam pam [lights turn off] Really? [jumps to try and activate motion sensor, Kevin walks through the door setting it off, and the lights come back on] Angela angela So, does anyone wanna know where I've been for the last 2 hours? Pam pam Oh God, I've been playing Zombie Soccer for two hours? Jim jim I went out to look for a better office space. Pam pam Waste of time. Dwight dwight Not really, because I found one. Pam pam Oh wow, these are nice. Jim jim Yup. Pam pam Let me see. Dwight dwight Look at the huge offices Jim, check out that conference room. Pam pam Yeah, yeah. Totally. Jim jim You can't just move out. Dwight dwight Oh in three months we can. Check the lease, and if you don't undo all the changes you've made, we're moving. Hey guys, can I show you some pictures. Pam pam [without looking at the pictures] Oh my gosh she is so cute. She looks like both of you. Andy andy They're not of Cece. Pam pam Oh, cool. Andy andy This is possibly our new Dunder Mifflin office. Pam pam Well I like being in the same building as Bob. Keeps me honest. Phyllis phyllis Well, this building isn't far, and its much newer. There's a dry cleaner, nail place and a gym. Oh, and it's next-door to and Outback so it always smells like steak. Pam pam Are you trying to kill me? Stanley stanley Is the nail place Koreans or whites? Kelly kelly Koreans. Pam pam Good. And the dry cleaners? Kelly kelly White. Pam pam Good. Kelly kelly Woah, there is a lot of brainpower in this room. We've got Michael and Oscar, the two smartest guys in the office, also in that order. Jim jim Funny Jim. That is funny. Oscar oscar Very comedically humorous Jim. Michael michael I have a computer question. Hey Oscar? Kelly kelly What is it? Oscar oscar Can you move aside so that I can ask Michael? Kelly kelly Alright. Alright I get it. Oscar oscar Michael, how do I create a new tab? Kelly kelly Try 'Control P'. Michael michael That's print. Oscar oscar Not if the printer isn't hooked up. You are making some very dangerous assumptions Oscar. Michael michael Oscar it must be killing you to know that Michael is smarter than you. Kelly kelly He's... he's not smarter than me, he was just right about one thing. Oscar oscar Yeah, but it was a really smart thing to be right about, actually. Kelly kelly Actually, it was. Ryan ryan Around here, Oscar is known as 'actually' because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts, or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican. Jim jim [reading text] Megan Fox. Question mark. What's that mean? Darryl darryl Megan Fox! Come on! Andy andy You know what, you're one bad text away from getting blocked. Darryl darryl Yes, but one good text away from a high five. Andy andy You accept these terms? Darryl darryl Oh, its on. Andy andy In your perfect would, what would make this building awesome? I'm putting together kind of a wish list. Dwight dwight Well, I wish for a million wishes. Kevin kevin Yeah, no. I'm not a genie. I'm just talking about a... Dwight dwight Then see you later building. Kevin kevin You can't possibly be serious. Dwight dwight I said see you later building. Kevin kevin Hey Michael. Oscar oscar Hey. Michael michael I was thinking about some of the stuff you said earlier about China. Oscar oscar Mmm. Michael michael I'd love to talk more about it. Oscar oscar Yeah. Michael michael Maybe over some coffee later? Oscar oscar Sure. Michael michael Woah, woah, woah. Do you know what you just agreed to? Jim jim Coffee Jim. Michael michael No. Jim jim It is not just coffee. Andy andy He's trying to set you up Michael. What's going to happen is he's going to try and bring up what ever you're talking about in a very casual way, but secretly he'll be trying to trip you up, and when he does, boom, its awful. Haven't you noticed that I don't bring up the Tour de France around him? Jim jim Yes. Michael michael And then he will smugly pay the cheque and make you feel so small. Andy andy Alright, well I just need to learn everything about China. To be safe I should learn everything about everything but I don't have time. Okay, okay, I'll just learn about China and science and geography and math and literary. Michael michael No politics? Jim jim I'm pretty good on politics. "California is bankrupt, and California, California." [Jim and Andy follow Michael into his office] What? Michael michael Parley, my office, five minutes. Dwight dwight Parley? Pam pam Pirate code, he wants to meet. Creed creed So everyone here knows pirate code? Pam pam I understand it, I can't speak it. Creed creed Pam, I am not an unreasonable man. If you guys stay, I will stop watering down the soap. Dwight dwight You've been watering down the soap? Pam pam Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom? Dwight dwight We need everything back the way it was. Pam pam You don't wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You'll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart, and twenty five years from now, Cece will become world famous... for stripping. Dwight dwight That's a sad story. I have another one. We move, the other tenants follow, the bank takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car and beats the crap out of you. Penniless, you die, and my daughter Cece dances on your grave... fully clothed. [lights turn off, Pam and Dwight begin to wave their arms to alert the sensor] Pam pam Where is Tibet? Ryan ryan Pass. Michael michael When was China founded? Ryan ryan Pass. Michael michael Two for two, keep it up. Jim jim Who is Mao? Ryan ryan Lifeline. Michael michael Damn it. Michael, you are moments away from the smack down of your life. If you don't know something, steer the conversation back to something you do know. Andy andy I could talk about boobs. I bet he knows nothing about boobs. Michael michael What do you know about boobs? Jim jim Michael, I have to tell you something it's from Rocky II. Andy andy Thank you. Jim jim This guy doesn't just wanna win. Y'know, he want's to bury you. He wants to humiliate you! Andy andy Wait, wait, wait. How long is this going to take? Michael michael I'm like a quarter of the way through. Andy andy Is it going to be worth it? Michael michael No. Andy andy Just in case Michael, I made you a cheat sheet. Ryan ryan I don't need to cheat. Michael michael Show him how to use it. Jim jim [riding in car, looking for new office] Ten thousand seven hundred and six. Nate nate Here it is, right here, pull over. Oh my God. No way. Man, look at that. Dwight dwight Yeah. Nate nate There's no building. This could only mean one thing. Dwight dwight The building's underground? Nate nate She was lying. Oh, Pam, Pam... Dwight dwight Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam. {Dwight} & {Nate} dwight nate Yeah? Passer-by passer-by Pam. Pam? Nate nate What? Dwight dwight I'm Pam. Passer-by passer-by Oh. Dwight dwight No you're not. Nate nate I'm sorry. We have a colleague with the same name. Dwight dwight Oh, that's fine. Passer-by passer-by So, okay. You're not a liar too are you? Dwight dwight I've been known to bend the truth. Passer-by passer-by Damn it, Pam. Get out. Right now. Leave it, I mean it. Get the hell out of here. Go. Dwight dwight Okay. Passer-by passer-by I can't wait to do to Pam, what I just did... to Pam. Dwight dwight Hey Pam. Dwight dwight Yeah? Pam pam Y'know what, I'm the only one here who you haven't asked about the new office. Dwight dwight I know, because you're the reason we're moving. Pam pam Yeah, but I'm still an employee here, and that part of me is really excited about the change of scenery. What's the square footage in the new place? Dwight dwight Uhh, I think it's something like umm... Pam pam What's the exact square footage. Dwight dwight Umm, let me see. Pam pam How many offices are there? Oh I'll just look at the one sheet myself. Dwight dwight Oh, actually I don't know what I did with the one sheet. Y'know, that's the problem. You only have one sheet. Pam pam [chuckles] You're a funny guy Pam. What's the first thing you guys are gonna do when you move in to the new office? I'm going to walk down the hall and say "Wow, I can't believe this is real, but it is." I can't wait. Dwight dwight Mmhmm. Pam pam I lied about some aspects of the building. Pam pam It's still on a bike path though right? Jim jim There's no building... it doesn't exist. Pam pam What does that mean? Jim jim I needed leverage so I pulled those pictures off the internet. It's just this Office Administrator thing, I don't wanna... Pam pam What? Jim jim Fail. I don't want to fail... again. Pam pam But you didn't fail. Jim jim And that's what you said about Art School, and that's what you said about sales. Pam pam And you didn't fail those things either. Jim jim Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman. So what would you call it? Pam pam Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Jim jim Michael, the reason I asked you down here for this chat is that I've been thinking that your fears about China are a bit exaggerated. Oscar oscar Did you know, that China has a new missile, that can sink a US Naval Carrier nine hundred miles off the coast? Michael michael We have missiles too. Oscar oscar Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal. But what do I know, I mean, that's just according to the Pentagon. Our Pentagon. Michael michael I wasn't here. [places a book in front of Pam] Nate nate What? Pam pam I wasn't here. It's a pretty common saying. You may want to log it away for future use. Nate nate Well thanks. Pam pam Yeah. Nate nate China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives. And they will control us. Michael michael Actually, we're in a mild recession right now. I'll give you that, but people use China as the boogie man for all their problems. In the nineteen eighties, it was Japan. Oscar oscar How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17% and in the US it has only risen by 8%? Michael michael Do you really think that manufacturing is a relevant indicator of where the world economy's heading in 2011? Do you know the comparative expansion of say the information sector? I'd say that's far more relevant. Wouldn't you? Oscar oscar Don't... I... Michael michael Hello, hello. You're breaking the law. Pam pam Impossible, I love the law. Dwight dwight Read article nineteen. There are suitable standards that you have to maintain the building at that includes comfortable temperatures and adequate lighting. It also means no more cutting the tampons in two, and no more tampering with the toilet paper. Pam pam I see I've underestimated you, and I didn't think that was possible. Nate, reply the paper. Dwight dwight I don't think it goes that way. Nate nate Reply it! Dwight dwight Don't worry about the coffee, its on me. Oscar oscar Yeah, I figured that. Michael michael Michael, I am so happy that we were able to have this little chat. Oscar oscar Wait. You forgetting something? Michael michael What? Oscar oscar This chat. Two men, one white, one latina. A boss and a money cruncher. I could fire you. Michael michael Fire him. No, show mercy. Erin erin Here we are. Michael michael What's your point. Oscar oscar My point is... that as long as people like you and me don't stop talking, nobody can stop the USA. Michael michael Yeah. [clapping] Andy andy Right, yes. Erin erin I am talking about freedom, about choice. America, I don't think you need to worry. Because if you want to beat China you will. If you don't, that's fine. That my friend, is your victory. Y'know, a lot of people say if you dig long enough and hard enough you will get to China, and that may be the true, but what they don't tell you is that if you dig long enough and hard enough in a conversation, you get to a friend. So here is to conversation. Michael michael That's not. Oscar oscar Raise your cups on high. Case closed. Michael michael That wasn't what we were discu... That wasn't the whole... Oscar oscar They say the best vampires don't bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again. I spared Pam, and I may feast off of her profits for years to come. I let Pam win. Haha, oh. I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not motivated by compassion. Dwight dwight [reads text] Come to parking lot. Crazy pigeon action? Darryl darryl Shhh. You're gonna scare 'em away. [two pigeons are eating out of a soft serve cone] Andy andy [laughs] That's a text. [high fives Andy] Darryl darryl Yeah. Right. Andy andy That's your new standard. Darryl darryl