Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... I'm... pretty nervous about it. And... I'm... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: Michael michael Hi - Eric eric [Dwight using a robotic voice over the PA system] Hello, Eric Ward. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. I am Computron, your answer to everything. Computron computron Hello. Eric eric [entering on a Segway Scooter] I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron? Michael michael Yes. Computron computron What is the world's largest ocean? Michael michael Calculating. Calculating. Pacific! Computron computron Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh? Michael michael Great news, Michael. We're now the official paper supplier of the NFL. Andy andy That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant. Michael michael Hello. Pam pam The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972. Computron computron Hola. Bonjour. Ni Hao. Pam pam It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee. So, that's where we are. Pam pam Hello, Stanley. Michael michael Hi. Fake Stanley fake-stanley For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley... although, I get it. Pam pam Uh, I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your HR guy. That is pretty much the only reason I'm here. Eric eric Ok. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit - Michael michael Right. Eric eric - since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right? Michael michael Yeah. Eric eric They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it. Michael michael Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better. Computron computron No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it. Michael michael Are you calling me wrong? Computron computron [sighs] Oh, my God. Michael michael It's called 'due diligence'. Basically, I confirm inventory, take a head count, see if there are any HR liabilities. I'm a glorified fact checker. Actually, I am a fact checker. Eric eric Alright. Excuse me. [slides past Eric to close the door to Ryan's closet office before Eric can see Ryan in there] If you will - Michael michael Michael, do you think I could get a space heater - Ryan ryan - follow me this way. I'll introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two. [Toby's chair spins around to reveal Dwight filling in for Toby] Michael michael Oh, we will. Have a seat. [Michael gives a pleased look then exits] Dwight dwight I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time. Michael michael So, um, the manager, Michael Scott... is a bit of a character. Eric eric He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait, what was the question? Dwight dwight What are, are you doing at my desk? Toby toby Ignore him. He's the local lunatic. Dwight dwight Come on, Dwight. Get out of here. Toby toby Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats but the one I'm currently wearing is that of gracious host. [laughs] Welcome. [Dwight exits] Dwight dwight Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help? Toby toby Um, are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of? Eric eric What do you mean? Toby toby Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave the company open to potential lawsuits. Eric eric Um... nothing comes to mind. [clip montage] Toby toby So, the staff? Eric eric Mm-hmm. Toby toby Are people generally happy? Eric eric [laughing] Happy's a funny word. Toby toby In what way? Eric eric You know, uh, what does it mean to be happy. [shakes head] Keep philosophers busy for awhile. Toby toby So... generally? Eric eric Yes. Toby toby Generally. Eric eric Generally happy. [clip montage] Toby toby [whispering] Generally happy. Eric eric What about non-safety issues, in terms of liability? Sexual harassment. Anything like that? Eric eric Oh, I don't know. Toby toby You, you don't know. Eric eric I don't know. Toby toby You're the head of Human Resources. Eric eric I don't know. No. Toby toby Ok. [clip montage] Eric eric I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth. Toby toby Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin'? Whatcha guys talkin' about? Michael michael Well, Eric's just going over some stuff. Toby toby Stuff. I love stuff. Michael michael It's, uh, it's HR stuff. Toby toby HR stuff? [pulls up a chair] HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. [pointing to Eric's notes] What is that? What kind of stuff is that? Michael michael It's uh, it's a company evaluation form. Eric eric Ah. Michael michael Talkin' bout, uh - Eric eric Talkin' bout, uh, what? Michael michael Waste is next. Eric eric Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage? Michael michael No, waste of time and resources. Eric eric Oh, time and resources. Michael michael Look, you know, in any company there's going to be certain degrees - Toby toby No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever. [clip montage] Michael michael Is anyone near retirement age? [Michael and Toby look at each other - Creed clip montage] Eric eric [on the phone] Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR. So... well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile. Eric eric This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. [to Toby] Right? Would you agree with that? Michael michael Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about. Toby toby That's, that is true. [clip montage] Michael michael [as Eric is being escorted out by Michael and Toby] Thank you, so much. Dwight dwight Thank you. Kevin kevin Thank you. Angela angela Thank you. It's nice to meet you all. Eric eric Good to meet you. Pam pam Have a great day. Angela angela Hope to see you soon. Dwight dwight Yeah. Kevin kevin I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin? [clip montage over Daryl's Dunder Mifflin jingle] Michael michael I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun. Michael michael Computron experiencing emotion. Computron computron Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Ok? Buddy? Michael michael Ok. Computron computron Just - sh - Michael michael [after a pause] Please don't. Computron - Computron computron Shut - Michael michael wants to live. Computron computron Shut up. Shut up. Michael michael [extended Lazy Scranton video] Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man, Dwight, just to see what was shakin'. Michael michael Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty. Dwight dwight So check out how we live Michael michael in the Electric City! Both both They call it Scranton! Michael michael What? Dwight dwight The Electric City. Scranton! Michael michael What? Dwight dwight The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider. Michael michael But check that it's covered by your Dwight dwight Healthcare Provider! Both both Plenty of space in the parking lot. Michael michael But the little cars go in the compact spot! Dwight dwight Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Both both Snack attack time. Michael michael Don't lose your head. Dwight dwight We like Cugino's Michael michael for the tasty bread. Both both They call it Scranton! Michael michael What? Dwight dwight The Electric City. Scranton! Michael michael What? Dwight dwight The Electric City. Scranton! Michael michael What? Dwight dwight The Electric City. Scranton! Michael michael What? Dwight dwight The Electric City. Scranton! Michael michael [pause] What? Dwight dwight Ugh. Michael michael