The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. "Mental" is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it. Michael michael Well the "fun" is in it. [conference room group chimes agreement.] Toby toby Get out. Michael michael [halfway out] Yeah, I know. Toby toby Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling, you need "small talk." What topics can you use for small talk? Michael michael Golf. Andy andy Mmhm. Michael michael Stock market. Andy andy Mmhm. Michael michael Dave Matthews. Andy andy Yes, what else? Michael michael Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes... Creed creed No. Michael michael The weekend! Meredith meredith Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, "So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?" Michael michael Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet. Meredith meredith All right... Michael michael He calls it an upper decker. Meredith meredith Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with. Michael michael Then do it. Ryan ryan What? Michael michael Write a book. Ryan ryan [into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman... Michael michael [Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to. Erin erin Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is? Michael michael In your schedule it just says nine til noon is "creative space" and I thought this could be part of that. Erin erin Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon. Michael michael You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says "free play." Erin erin Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made. Michael michael Ah. Grotti grotti Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage. Michael michael As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride. Grotti grotti Mmhm. Michael michael But you also got a lot of responsibility Grotti grotti Yep. Michael michael None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss. Grotti grotti Okay. Michael michael There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player. Michael michael Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks. Kevin kevin What do you think? Andy andy I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags. Dwight dwight God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse. Grotti grotti Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up. Michael michael Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury. Grotti grotti Mmhm, I hear you. The truck. Michael michael You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott. Grotti grotti Okay, well. Michael michael I can be very very persistent. Grotti grotti Do your worst. [they shake hands] Michael michael [Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Oh, great. Michael michael Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh? Grotti grotti Mmhm. Michael michael What happened in there? Andy andy Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman. Michael michael Did he threaten you? Dwight dwight No Dwight, not everything is a threat. Michael michael Mobsters are! Andy andy There is no such things as monsters. Michael michael He drives an SUV! Andy andy I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space. Dwight dwight Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob? Oscar oscar No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster. Dwight dwight Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance. Michael michael All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation. Andy andy For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia. Oscar oscar I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance. Michael michael Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down! Andy andy Exactly. Dwight dwight He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer. Michael michael Uhh. All right, who else is here? [looks around] Oscar oscar Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there's not the usual balance between "sane and others." Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak. Oscar oscar Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh. [nods head] Toby toby [over chatter] Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think? Michael michael Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.' Ryan ryan Okay. Michael michael What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name? Ryan ryan Um it is, Grotti. Michael michael [groans] Oh no. Fabulous. {Andy} and {Dwight} andy dwight What? What? Oscar oscar It's John Gotti, you idiot! Andy andy It's, it's a completely different name! Oscar oscar So he won't get caught! Phyllis phyllis Yeah. It's pretty close. Andy andy No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it. Oscar oscar No I disagree. "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it "murder." And not "muck-duck." Dwight dwight Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences. Michael michael Lock your door! Dwight dwight I'm not gonna lock my door. [door closes. Then clicks locked] Michael michael Hello? Jim jim Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon. Oscar oscar Oscar! Uh, what is going on? Jim jim It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this. Oscar oscar Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so- Jim jim Hey Oscar. It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon. Pam pam Pam, I'm sorry- Oscar oscar Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us. Pam pam You're right. You're right. [Pam hangs up] Oh, okay bye. Oscar oscar It's Grotti. He's following up. Michael michael Already? This, this guy is persistent! Andy andy [reads email] "I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business." Michael michael That's bad. Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael That's bad. Dwight dwight Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or? Michael michael Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road. Andy andy Okay, I'm calling the police. Michael michael [hangs up, rips cord from phone] That is the stupidest thing you could do right now! Andy andy He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported. Dwight dwight All right. Michael michael Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed! Andy andy Shh! Michael michael You know what? Dwight dwight That's not gonna happen. Michael michael That's an exaggeration. Dwight dwight That's how it works! Andy andy What am I supposed to do here? Michael michael When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back Andy andy I was thinking exactly the same thing. Michael michael No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give 'em a taste of cat food pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat. Dwight dwight Dwight... Andy andy The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people. Dwight dwight I don't know, I don't know about that. Michael michael Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting. Andy andy Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can't be openly violent. Dwight dwight Okay. Andy andy Let him know you're not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you're stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous. Dwight dwight [snaps fingers] I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan. Andy andy Hold on, hold on! Just- Michael michael No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way. Andy andy All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone. Michael michael Well you're gonna have to. [overlaps] Dwight: Andy andy [Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] What are you wearing? Who's Pat? Michael michael Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing. Andy andy Do you know how to use it? Dwight dwight To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it. Andy andy Let's go, come on. [whispers] God! Michael michael Should I change? Andy andy You're wearing loafers! Dwight dwight Forget it! Forget it! Michael michael [Andy is playing with the tire iron] Take that thing off the table! Please! Michael michael Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it. Andy andy Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel. Dwight dwight Oh! God! [smacks roaches] Andy andy Oh my God! Michael michael You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax- Dwight dwight Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is. Michael michael Hello. Michael michael Mr. Scott. Grotti grotti Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates. Michael michael Hi. Angelo Grotti. Grotti grotti Hi. Andy andy Hello. Dwight dwight So, you got this table? Grotti grotti Yes. Michael michael This is one of those half booths, can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing. Grotti grotti Well. Michael michael Waitress, we're gonna sit over here. Grotti grotti That's fine. Waitress waitress Okay. Michael michael [answers phone] Hello. Kevin kevin Hello Mr. Halpert. I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card. Credit Card Rep. credit-card-rep Oh man, do you think it was stolen? Kevin kevin First would you mind verifying your home address? Credit Card Rep credit-card-rep Um, yes. [looks at Jim's pay stub] Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA Kevin kevin And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number? Credit Card Rep credit-card-rep Six-six-five-zero. Kevin kevin Well Mr. Halpert. You're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico. Credit Card Rep credit-card-rep Wait a minute. Yes I am. Kevin kevin I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card. Credit Card Rep credit-card-rep No. That... I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer. Kevin kevin Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away. Credit Card Rep credit-card-rep No- Kevin kevin Have a nice day, and thank you! Credit Card Rep credit-card-rep Shoot. Kevin kevin If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy. Grotti grotti Oh he's not that nice. Dwight dwight That's not true. Michael michael Hmm. Very true. Andy andy Okay shut up. Michael michael Have you decided? Waitress waitress Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back. Grotti grotti Okay then. And for you sir? Waitress waitress I will have the gabba-gool. Michael michael The... what? Waitress waitress The gabba-gool. Michael michael I don't really know what that is. Waitress waitress [with Soprano's inflection] You know, gabba-gool. Andy andy I don't, I don't have to have that. Michael michael What he's trying to say is, Gabba. Gool. Dwight dwight Guys, guys- Michael michael I don't really think that we have that. Waitress waitress That's okay. Michael michael Bring him the gabba-gool! Dwight dwight Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad. Michael michael Okay. Waitress waitress If the salad is on top, I send it back. Michael michael Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards? Oscar oscar I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone. Kevin kevin This constitutes identity fraud. Oscar oscar Oh God. I wouldn't last in jail Oscar. I'm not like you. Kevin kevin What's that supposed to mean? Oscar oscar Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would love jail. Kevin kevin Why would I love jail? Oscar oscar Because... You would love it. Kevin kevin I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out. Michael michael Look closely Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you. Grotti grotti Maybe we have a plan for you? Andy andy How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can't happen to you, and [drops hand loudly on table] Think about it. Grotti grotti [approaches with child] Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic? Woman woman Yeeeeah. Andy andy My battery is dead, I've got my kid, can you please help? Woman woman Yes I can. Andy andy No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad. Michael michael Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go! Grotti grotti Okay! Andy andy Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. Woman woman Hey, do you need any help? Michael michael I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down. Grotti grotti He's a good mechanic. Michael michael Where were we? Grotti grotti I don't... Michael michael He was trying to force you to decide on a policy. Dwight dwight Okay, okay okay. Michael michael So we're choosing... Dwight dwight Yep, all right. Michael michael Check out Dental? Dwight dwight Put it down. Michael michael Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down. Andy andy He seems bad at this. Kid kid You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. [Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off] Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube. Andy andy What?!? Woman woman So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. [Andy walks away, woman is exasperated] Andy andy Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. [Andy clears throat loudly] You okay, Pat? Grotti grotti Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of. Andy andy Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car? Grotti grotti It was before, my tech- my technical training. Andy andy Don't do it! Dwight dwight Do it. Andy andy Don't. Dwight dwight Just do it. Andy andy Okay. Michael michael Look Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow? Grotti grotti Yes. Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael I don't understand, why would you buy a policy? Dwight dwight It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour. Michael michael You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you. Andy andy I had to make a snap decision Dwight. Michael michael It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour. Dwight dwight It was a lot of snap decisions. Michael michael Do you know what "snap decision" means? Dwight dwight Yes! Michael michael It means like this. [snaps fingers] Dwight dwight Just get in the car. Michael michael Hello? Jim jim Jim? Michael michael Michael? Jim jim Oh thank God. Michael michael How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran. Jim jim It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier. Michael michael That sounds bad. Jim jim Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend. Michael michael I'm gonna help you through it all right? Jim jim Okay! Michael michael All you're gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and- it- and then go to- Jim jim Jim? Are you? Michael michael And then you'll be saved. Jim jim What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said. Michael michael Just [drops] and then you'll be saved. Jim jim No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again! Michael michael A- ah- Jim jim No! Oh my God! Michael michael And you'll be saved. Jim jim No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you! Michael michael I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don't call again. Jim jim Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God. Michael michael Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away? Michael michael Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it. Oscar oscar Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing? Michael michael Just- no. No. Oscar oscar All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks. Michael michael We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault. Dwight dwight He's alive. So you're welcome. Andy andy Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job. Dwight dwight Yeah, some of that existed before. Andy andy Not the living in fear, that's new. Dwight dwight You're right, that is new. Andy andy Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy. Dwight dwight Well I don't see that happening. Andy andy Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy? Dwight dwight Are you saying- Andy andy Yeah... Dwight dwight That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain? Andy andy What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia! Dwight dwight That seems a little far-fetched. Andy andy Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened. Dwight dwight Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean. Dwight dwight No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works. Michael michael No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean. Andy andy It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really. Dwight dwight Class act. Boy scout. Andy andy But Grotti acts like he's mafia though. Michael michael He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman. Andy andy And he made us all look like chumps! Dwight dwight [grunts] Michael michael If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden. Michael michael This is Grotti. Grotti grotti This is Scott. Michael michael Oh! Great. Michael, I'm finishing up your paperwork right now. Grotti grotti Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me? Michael michael I, I thought you'd be pleased. Grotti grotti Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd. Michael michael What? Grotti grotti I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance. Michael michael I don't get it. How was I scaring you? Grotti grotti I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk. Michael michael Whoa. Okay. Andy andy You suck! Michael michael Okay that's- Dwight dwight And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance. Michael michael That's good, let's wrap it up. Dwight dwight How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it? Michael michael Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give me a call? Grotti grotti Doubt it. [disconnects call] Michael michael [relaxing] Oh man. Dwight and Andy dwight andy What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What? Michael michael Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia! Andy andy No. What do you mean? Michael michael We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared. Dwight dwight What? Michael michael You successfully backed down the mob! Dwight dwight You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite! Andy andy Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not. Michael michael So I looked him in the eye and I said, "Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead." I said something like that. Michael michael Very close. Dwight dwight Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg. Oscar oscar Erin? Michael michael Yes? Erin erin Coffee? Michael michael Okay. Erin erin Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back. Michael michael Okay. Erin erin Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back. Michael michael How do you return coffee? Erin erin Go. Any questions? Michael michael [on phone] Are you kidding me? Pam pam Hi Pam, is Jim there? Kevin kevin Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here! Pam pam Okay, that sounds good. Um, I'll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi. Kevin kevin Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority. Pam pam Cool. Okay. [Pam hangs up] Bye. Kevin kevin They have no idea what happened. Kevin kevin