[in Michael's office] Could you please sign my expense report? Dwight dwight No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item. That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture, epic. Michael michael [in Jim's office] Sign this. Dwight dwight Ah, ah, ah. Where's the "please"? We're not animals. Jim jim Sign it. Dwight dwight No, not without a "please." Jim jim Idiot. Dwight dwight [in Michael's office] I have a complaint about Jim. Dwight dwight That is not big picture. Michael michael I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office. Dwight dwight ... Okay. Michael michael Jim won't sign my expense report. Dwight dwight That is not- okay- that is day-to-day. Michael michael No, that is huge. Dwight dwight You're trying to trick me. Michael michael This has to do- Dwight dwight Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. Michael michael [in Jim's office] I'd like to lodge a complaint. Dwight dwight I'm sorry to hear about that. Who is this about? Jim jim You! Dwight dwight Okay. Just want to let you know I take complaints very seriously. So... When did this happen? Jim jim One minute ago. Dwight dwight Okay. And how do you feel? Jim jim Angry. Dwight dwight All right. Did he hit you? Jim jim No. Dwight dwight Did you cry? Jim jim No. Dwight dwight Did you feel like crying? Jim jim No. Dwight dwight I'm just gonna write "held back tears." Jim jim Wait, stop writing that. That is not true. Dwight dwight If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it. Jim jim I'm not cr- uhh! Dwight dwight I deserved that promotion, not Jim. Oh, man. Makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing. And then flip him over and then put him in a hammer lock! And he's gasping, he's panting! Every last breath! And the crowd is going crazy. And boom! I emerge victorious! [claps hands and stands up] Aha! $18,000 and a chance at the title! Ooh hah! Dwight dwight [at the door] Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down. Erin erin Everyone, now would be a good time to freshen up, because I'd like everyone to meet in the conference room in five minutes. And I suggest that you bring a snack, because we may be in there for a while. Michael michael Michael... Jim jim Yes? Michael michael Can I talk to you in my office for a second? Jim jim Mmm, sure, but could I first talk to you in my office? Michael michael Can I also be a boss? Stanley stanley Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes? Oscar oscar I have noticed that we- Jim jim Welcome. Michael michael Thank you. I've noticed we've been having a lot of conference room meetings. Jim jim Mm-hmm. Michael michael And I'm wondEring if perhaps those are a bit, um- Jim jim Disruptive. Michael michael Yes. Jim jim No, I don't think they are. I think the meetings are very important. Michael michael Okay, maybe we should talk specifics. Jim jim Let's do. Michael michael Okay. Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets. Jim jim N- well, to be fair, Jim... James... Jimothy... To be fair, Jimothy, the- ah, that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim? Michael michael I am. Jim jim Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets... Michael michael Right. Jim jim At first, we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets, and I think by the end, we all learned a little bit about how small we are. Michael michael Yes, I agree. Jim jim Because it's a big universe, and we're all just little, tiny specks of dust. Michael michael I just think that maybe they're eating large amounts of the day. Jim jim You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea. Michael michael You mean on a weekend? Jim jim Yes. Michael michael How about this? I think our goal should be we don't have meetings unless they're absolutely essential. Jim jim Alright. No more meetings this week. Michael michael Really? You just agreed to that? Jim jim I can be very suprising. Michael michael What's going on? Phyllis phyllis I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant. Pam pam You know, it's a myth that women have to gain more than nine pounds in a pregnancy. Look at these actresses. Some of them lose weight. Ryan ryan Hey, did you guys register for wedding gifts? Phyllis phyllis We did, but mostly because people expect us to. We're also accepting other gifts not on the registry... However much. Pam pam It's awkward asking people for money, but we could really use it. Why doesn't Crate & Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash? Pam pam Perfect. I hate registries. Phyllis phyllis Oh, good. Pam pam My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be suprised when you see it. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you? Phyllis phyllis No, we're not. Pam pam Good. Good. Phyllis phyllis Mm-hmm? Michael michael [walks in, see's Oscar, Stanley, Creed and Kelly sitting in Michaels office] Okay, I thought I saw people missing. Jim jim Yeah, just focus-grouping a product expansion idea to these folks. Got one of each. Michael michael Really? Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door? Jim jim Stanley, you don't need to answer that. Michael michael Stanley? Jim jim "If you don't smell this, you're fired." Stanley stanley Okay, Michael, I thought we agreed to not take up people's time with meetings like these. Jim jim What do you mean by "these people"? Michael michael Michael, this is a conference room meeting. Jim jim Oh, hey, everybody, I think that Jim has gone insane, because he thinks that my office is a conference room. Michael michael That's not what I meant. Jim jim Listen, Jim, no offense, but when push comes to shove, what I want is more important that what you want. Michael michael I disagree. Jim jim What do you guys think? [all start talking at the same time] Michael michael Great. Guys, can I just have a moment alone with Michael? Jim jim No, no, no, you don't need to go anywhere. Anything that Jim has to say to me, he can say in front of these types of people. Michael michael That is not what I said, and, also, I am co-manager, meaning you are not the only manager anymore. I am also I co-manager. Jim jim That is not what Wallace told us. Michael michael That's exactly what Wallace told us. Jim jim That is not the way I heard it. Michael michael I love rivalries- Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C. It's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answEring your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend, and her skin is terrible. Kelly kelly It is one thing, me giving you the co-manager title. It is another thing, you bossing me around. Michael michael I'm not bossing you around. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job, so maybe we should just call David Wallace. Jim jim No, no, no. No, we will not call David Wallace. [Michael pulls out his cell phone] I will call David Wallace. Michael michael David Wallace is on line two for you guys. Erin erin Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why don't we just- Michael michael Hey, David. You got Jim here. Jim jim Hey David, this is Michael, senior co-manager. Michael michael Hey guys, um, I'm calling, because, unfortunately, we will not be able to give out cost of living raises this year, and I know people expect it. However, there just is only a small amount of money for each branch, so we're leaving it up to the managers to decide how to distribute it. David Wallace david-wallace Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classice big-picture decision. Michael michael Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees. Jim jim It's probably a little of both. David Wallace david-wallace Which is it more of? Michael michael Excuse me? David Wallace david-wallace David, I know that I'm very new at this, but I have a very good perspective on how things work. Jim jim Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you- are you texting me? David Wallace david-wallace I thought maybe we could talk after this is over. Michael michael Look, I need you both to take care of this. This is not going to be a problem, is it? David Wallace david-wallace Nope, not at all. Jim jim No, it will not be. I am on top of it. Michael michael Very good. David Wallace david-wallace Alright, thanks alot, David. Jim jim Talk to you later- [Jim hangs up] Okay, you didn't let me say good-bye. [sighs, and claps hands once] Alright, I am looking forward to this. Michael michael You don't have to lie. Jim jim I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore. Michael michael Right. Jim jim All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are. Michael michael Alright. Let's get started. Jim jim Hey, why haven't we ever, um... Creed creed We have. Meredith meredith You know, there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks and don't say anything about it. Michael michael Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll? Jim jim No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim. Michael michael Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options. Jim jim Jim, don't take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way? Michael michael It's hard to tell so far. Jim jim You use your brain too much. Michael michael I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less? Jim jim Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all. Michael michael You just came up with that. Jim jim As I was saying it. Michael michael Yeah. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro- everyone gets a little bit. Jim jim [in nerdy voice] Con- you look like a nerd. Michael michael Con- no one gets as much as they did last year. Jim jim Pro- you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds. Michael michael Pro- no favoritism. Jim jim Con- you unzip your pants, and you find that there's a calculator down there. Michael michael I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart- [pulls out a pie chart] How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it. Jim jim Hey, Pam, I heard that you were registered, but I didn't hear where. Kevin kevin I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash. Pam pam Like money? Like you- you want my money? Kevin kevin Mm-hmm. Pam pam Will you take a check? Kevin kevin Yeah. Pam pam Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write, "To love's eternal glory." Kevin kevin Okay. Pam pam Wait til' Monday. Kevin kevin Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. [looks down at the check] oh look! "Mrs. Pam Halpert!" That's the first time I've seen it in writing! Pam pam You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen. Jim jim That will not go over well. Michael michael I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. 'Course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us... Jim jim Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I'm gonna kill myself. Michael michael I'm not gonna let you stop me from thinking. Jim jim No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue. Michael michael Michael. Jim jim And then another- Michael michael Look, you have a lot of strengths. Jim jim Oh, I do?! Tell me what they are. Michael michael I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well. Jim jim Ha! That- I am not known for that! Michael michael But there is a reason why I'm here! Jim jim Yes! You went over my head to Wallace! Michael michael No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael! Jim jim Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don't you enliven me? Michael michael I don't think you're good at making tough decisions! Jim jim Ah. Michael michael At thinking out the options, and then stating that decision very clearly, especially when it's an unpopular decision. Jim jim Okay, here's a tough decision for you. You suck! You suck! Is that clear enough for you?! Michael michael But maybe I'm here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I've been sitting out there, and I've been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table. Jim jim Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don't you run yourself out there and tell them? [laughs] You call it. Michael michael [leave the conference room to address everyone] Jim jim [to the camera] This had better be terrible. Michael michael Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff. Jim jim Wait. Seriously?! Meredith meredith Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults. Jim jim Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people. Oscar oscar But, I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises? Angela angela Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with. Oscar oscar Ooh, easy. That's not it at all. Jim jim Well? Oscar oscar Really what it is, is about the money the sales staff brings into the office. Jim jim [walks in from shopping, with bags in her hands] What's going on? Kelly kelly Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen. Kevin kevin What the hell?! Why are you being such a jerk?! Kelly kelly Hold on, Kelly. Would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart? Oscar oscar No! [put's down her bags] How is that gonna repair Ryan's car?! Kelly kelly This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?! Dwight dwight Okay, Dwight, you know what? You'd be getting the raise so- Jim jim What about all these people, huh?! How is it fair to them?! Dwight dwight Exactly! Oscar oscar Totally! Kevin kevin We work just as hard as the sales people. We deserve raises. Oscar oscar Yes. Creed creed Yes. They don't get 'em, if we don't get 'em! Angela angela My kid needs shoes! You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?! Meredith meredith Yeah. Kevin kevin Her kid needs shoes, Jim! Dwight dwight What the hell?! [everyone complaining at Jim] Meredith meredith Wow! I'm just gonna rewind and back off a bit, so... [imitates a tape rewinding and chuckles, Michael comes over by Jim laughing] Jim jim That was good! That was good! Okay, all right. Well, we all know it's hard to be a boss, right? You know what? Look around you. These are your best friends. These are the people who will open their hearts to you. They all have heart-ons for you [someone growns in disgust], and that is a gift. So in terms of gifts, we should be giving each other gifts. Angela, yes, lend Oscar a cup of sugar. This- Michael michael What are you talking about Michael? Angela angela We just need to hear your plan for our raise. Stanley stanley My plan- a man- panama. Michael michael That's not how that goes. Andy andy You're not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct... Meredith meredith Thank you, Meredith. Jim jim ...when he was telling us his dumbass plan. Meredith meredith We would just like to know what's happening. Are we getting a raise, yes or no? Oscar oscar Alright! Let me get this clear! Does everybody want a raise? [all say yes] Alright, everyone wants a raise, so what we're going to do is go into here, and we will not come out until we do. Michael michael Again, that gives us no information. Oscar oscar This isn't a game, you know? It's our livelihood! Phyllis phyllis What about a raise based on merit? Michael michael Rank each person individually? Jim jim Mm-hmm. Piece of cake. Ryan, obviously the best. Michael michael [sarcastically] Well, obviously. Too bad he's a temp and doesn't count, so let's get started. [starts to write on a piece of paper] Jim jim Are you making a- Michael michael Nope. I'm numbering the paper. Jim jim [everyone talking to the camera] Just- Oscar oscar Yeah, I don't understand how they can even consider giving money to some people and not the rest of us. Kevin kevin It's not like we're not gonna see the checks. We're in accounting! Angela angela I am so pissed at this company! Meredith meredith [out the side of his mouth] And Jim! Dwight dwight Yeah. Who said that? Meredith meredith I think it was Creed. Dwight dwight Yep. Creed creed [to camera] It's going really well, actually. Jim jim [to camera, holds up a bean] Each Boston Baked Bean represents half a percent raise. We each got 24 beans, so the idea is, you place the bean on the picture [walking around the table] of who you think deserv- who's that? [picture that Michael drew of toby, looks like a monster] Jim jim Toby. Michael michael He's not a part of this. You know that. Jim jim Just wanted to draw a picture of him. Michael michael Okay, your move. Jim jim Alright! Who to pick? [walking around the table] Who to pick? Michael michael Here we go. Jim jim I... will skip a turn. Michael michael Okay, you're gonna still have to play that bean. You know that. Jim jim I need more time. Michael michael Wallace sent an e-mail about a meeting next week. He wants you both to respond. [Michael and Jim leave, Dwight sneaks in] Erin erin People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It's great. Eventually, they'll rise up and revolt. My only hope is that they do it sooner rather than later. If the people here were our founding fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed ten years, because Stanley Washington was napping, and Phyllis Hancock was still signing the declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly. Dwight dwight Come on in. [everyone looking around at all the pictures and beans on the table] That's right. Come in, feast your eyes. They determine our worth by putting beans upon our faces. Dwight dwight What the hell?! Oscar oscar Things were not this bad when just Michael was manager. Dwight dwight Hey, what are you guys doing in here? Michael michael What does a bean mean? Kevin kevin Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me? Pam pam Michael, what does a bean mean? Kevin kevin Jim? Pam pam I was just trying to be unbiased. Jim jim What does a bean mean?! Kevin kevin Someone please explain it to Kevin. Oscar oscar Why can't you? My time is just as valuable as yours. Meredith meredith Not according to the beans. Phyllis phyllis This is how you make this important decision? Angela angela There's no way that Stanley gets more beans than me. [starts to take Stanley's beans, Stanley swats Andy's hand with his crossword puzzle] That is ridiculous. This is how it works. [everyone continues to argue] Andy andy It's not so much that I might not get a raise. It's just demeaning! Phyllis phyllis Thank you! That is exactly- by the way, I would also like a raise. Andy andy Yeah, I would, too. Phyllis phyllis Are we idiots? [gets up, starts walking around] What right does Jim have to claim authority, hmm? Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? There are moments where we can affect change. For a few seconds every decade, we exist, and these are those seconds! Let us storm his castle! Come on! Tick- let's get him. Tock- let's get Jim! Tick- and drag Jim out of his office! Tock- take his keys away from him! Tick- that's a clock! The time is getting very close! It's now or never! What say you?! Dwight dwight I say no. Phyllis phyllis No, I mean, what do you say to my plan? [all groan] Okay. Dwight dwight [leaving his office, hurrying to Jim's office] Michael michael What does a bean mean? Kevin kevin [in Jim's office] How you doing? Michael michael Uh, on a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm about a four. Jim jim Oh, what are you usually? Michael michael Six. You? Jim jim Usually a ten, but I'm feeling like a zero. Michael michael I mean, a performance-based raise sounded like a good idea, right? Jim jim I know, I know. Michael michael We tried to find the fairest way to do it. Jim jim Yes, we did. Michael michael I just- what? Jim jim Um, nothing. I just... I used to have to do this part alone, and it was the worst. I have something I would like to give you. [leaves office] Michael michael Michael! Phyllis phyllis Michael! Kevin kevin Come on! This isn't fair! Phyllis phyllis [to camera] Michael's my only friend left in the office. Except Pam... I think. Is she still upset? Jim jim [at Michael return to Jim's office] Michael, you cannot just keep avoiding us like this! Phyllis phyllis [Michael give Jim a "World's Best Boss" mug] Thank you. Jim jim You're welcome. Michael michael What's in here? Jim jim Gin. [toast, sip] Michael michael Ooh! Jim jim [someone knocks] Just pretend we're not here. Michael michael Heard you guys are looking for cash for the wedding? Ryan ryan Yeah, I mean, if it's all the same for you. Pam pam Question for you. Would you guys rather have $100 now, or $5,000 a year from now? Ryan ryan $100 now for sure. Pam pam Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in a hundred of my own money as the gift... Ryan ryan Yeah. No, no, I'll um- the hundred. I'll just take the hundred. Pam pam Instead of $5,000 a year from now? Ryan ryan How sure is this? Pam pam The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game. Pam pam