It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route. Michael michael [honking horn] Time to make the donuts. [laughs and drives away as Ryan tries to get in the van] Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. [does it again] De-nied! Michael michael We've been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean there's something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick. Ryan ryan Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! [laughs] Hey Pam. Michael michael We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says "Alleluia Church of Scranton." in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it. Pam pam You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael? Pam pam Milk and sugar. Michael michael Oh, awesome. You're a life saver. [drinks from coffee cup] Wait, is this just milk and sugar? Pam pam That's what I said. Michael michael Do you drink this every day? Pam pam Every morning. Michael michael We're, uh, we're doing okay. A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun. Uh, yep. We have 20- of those. Michael michael [an Asian lady tries to enter the van] Oh, oh, excuse me! Sorry. Sorry, no. It's, uh, it's a paper company now. It's not for the church. Pam pam Okay, who covers Bans Pet Grooming? Charles charles Oh, they're my client. Jim jim No, they were your client. They just called and told us they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company. Charles charles [sighs] Shame, Jim. I expected more. Dwight dwight In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott. Charles charles What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price. Stanley stanley I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable. Charles charles Hey, Boss. Uh, I'd just like to point out that I have been here less time than these guys. Andy andy Why are you telling me this? Charles charles I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie. Andy andy Is this something you really want to have said? Charles charles I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it. Andy andy I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault- Charles charles It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired. Dwight dwight I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but, uh- Charles charles Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not. Angela angela Uh, well said, Angela. Charles charles Been there, done that. Dwight dwight You know what we need? We need some couches in here. Michael michael Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy. Ryan ryan Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft. Michael michael Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy? Pam pam Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top. Michael michael Yeah, I know what a loft is. Pam pam Most dorm rooms don't even have that. Ryan ryan Most do in the magazines. Michael michael Let's see what a delivery guy costs. Ryan ryan We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft. Michael michael Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? Jim, hey. David Wallace david-wallace Hey, David. Jim jim David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace. Charles and I were waiting for you. Dwight dwight There he is. There he is. How was the trip up? Charles charles A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure. David Wallace david-wallace Oh, you know it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company. Charles charles Hmmm. David Wallace david-wallace I feel like I should be thanking you. Charles charles Uh. David Wallace david-wallace [makes kissing, puckering sound] Jim jim The conference room is ready if we want to get started. Charles charles You know, I just want to address everyone first. David Wallace david-wallace Oh yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention. Charles charles Hi, everyone. David Wallace david-wallace Hi. Kelly kelly Hi. Uh, look it's no secret- David Wallace david-wallace Hi. Kevin kevin Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott Paper has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here- I just want to assure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback. David Wallace david-wallace Right. Charles charles Okay? David Wallace david-wallace Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call none of us would've lost clients. Phyllis phyllis I've been wondering that myself lately. We're just gonna get started, we're gonna figure this out. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us please? David Wallace david-wallace Uh, Jim hold on. [whispers] You know, David, uh, Dwight's been my guy. Okay? Charles charles Hmm. David Wallace david-wallace Yeah, Jim- Charles charles I find that extraordinarily surprising. David Wallace david-wallace He shows promise and Jim, I don't know- I- he's been a disappointment. Charles charles We'll bring them both in. David Wallace david-wallace Okay, great. Uh, Dwight come on in. Also, Jim. Charles charles Come along, afterthought. Dwight dwight How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy? Michael michael Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct- Financial Guy financial-guy They are correct, sir. Michael michael Then you can't afford to pay him anything. Financial Guy financial-guy Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss. Michael michael Your prices are too low. Financial Guy financial-guy Lowest in town. Michael michael Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices? Financial Guy financial-guy Corporate greed? Pam pam Look, our price model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable. Ryan ryan Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model that's correct. Financial Guy financial-guy Yeah. Ryan ryan But you need to use a variable cost pricing model. Financial Guy financial-guy Okay, sure. Right, so- why don't you explain what that is to- so that they can under- just explain what that is. Michael michael Explain what you think that is. Ryan ryan Okay. Financial Guy financial-guy Explain that. Michael michael As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery man, health care... Financial Guy financial-guy Well, we don't- Michael michael ...business expansion- Financial Guy financial-guy Whatever, yeah. Michael michael At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make. Financial Guy financial-guy Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business. Michael michael They're actually putting you out of business. Financial Guy financial-guy Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again. Michael michael It's a program. There's no such thing- Ty ty Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please. Michael michael [presses key on computer] Crunch. Ty ty Did it help? Pam pam Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. [laughs] Um, I'm going to have to... ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we're just going to need a much, much bigger check. Michael michael When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, You don't blame the child. He didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid. I trust you." Pam pam Now, would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers? Jim jim God, no. Charles charles Stupid. Yeah, makes us look weak. Dwight dwight I agree. Charles charles I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor. Dwight dwight Really? Does he do good work or- Jim jim [scoffs] No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist. [sighs] Dwight dwight Fellas, why don't we take a five-minute break and then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out. David Wallace david-wallace Five minutes exactly. Dwight dwight Okay. Hey, Dwight. Can I talk to you? Charles charles Sure thing. Dwight dwight Yeah. Charles charles [opens phone] Hey. I saw you called. Jim jim You're just out of business? Jim jim We have maybe a month. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Pam pam Oh, yeah, well don't worry about it. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay. Jim jim That's what Michael said. Pam pam Oh, yeah. Only this time we will be okay. [cell phone rings; Dwight's voice saying "Idiot, Idiot, Idiot"] Oh, that's my new "Dwight" ring. Jim jim I like it. Pam pam Good, right? Hello. Jim jim [over phone] Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way. Dwight dwight Oh, okay. [kisses Pam] Don't worry about it. Jim jim Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died? Michael michael Steve Martin's not dead, Michael. Pam pam I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this. Michael michael You want to hear something sad? Pam pam I would love that. Michael michael So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive. So I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview. Pam pam I never went to Thailand. Ryan ryan Really? Pam pam I went to Fort Lauderdale. Ryan ryan Was it nice? Michael michael Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great Pad Thai place, though. Ryan ryan I love Pad Thai. Michael michael You've never had Pad Thai. Ryan ryan No. There's a lot I haven't done. Michael michael Now, this is the projection over three months? Jim jim We still have the inventory sitting- [everyone starts chattering at once] Charles charles Let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say- can I say something? Dwight dwight Yeah, yeah. David Wallace david-wallace There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom. Dwight dwight I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option... is to make Michael an offer. David Wallace david-wallace Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out. Charles charles Oh, but you didn't. Jim jim Oh, Man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure. Dwight dwight What is wrong with you? Charles charles Jim, you're- you're pretty close with him. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer? David Wallace david-wallace Oh, I don't know. You know, they've taken a good deal of clients, so- Jim jim Yeah. David Wallace david-wallace I mean I guess- I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction. Jim jim You know what? Why don't I do it, okay? Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back on this? Dwight dwight No, Jim... I think you should go. Charles charles Okay, so I'll be back in, um- back in a bit. Jim jim [knocking on door] Hmm? Michael michael Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second? Jim jim We're not hiring, Jim. Michael michael Actually here for something else. Jim jim Listen, I can't make you laugh right now. Michael michael You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I just tell you what I'm here for? Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales. Jim jim Oh, that's nice. Ryan ryan David Wallace has asked me to come down here and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out. Jim jim Seriously? Are you being serious? Pam pam He's bluffing, Pam. Ryan ryan Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl- Michael michael Oh! Jim jim No- We don't have- Michael michael Oh! See I'm here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout. Jim jim [stammers] Uh... Yes. Michael michael Yes. Pam pam Maybe. Ryan ryan Three yeses. I will see you titans of industry upstairs. Jim jim Yes, well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks. Michael michael Missed the last part. Jim jim That's a pun. Michael michael Got it. Jim jim Yep. Oh... wow. Michael michael Okay, so you are not going to reveal in any way that we're broke. Ryan ryan Of course not. Michael michael That we're having any problem at all. Ryan ryan Nope, nope, nope. Michael michael Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate that we are going broke. Pam pam Right, right. There is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke. Michael michael Oh, I'm really worried that I'm going to say it. Michael michael No, Michael. Pam pam Ah... Michael michael No, man. You're- you're fine. Ryan ryan We have to come from a position of strength. Pam pam I'm good, I'm good. Michael michael Just put it out of your mind. Ryan ryan It is. I'm good. Michael michael Hello. Michael michael Hi. Erin erin Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. [David and Charles walk out of conference room] Well, well, well. How the turntables... Michael michael Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer. David Wallace david-wallace And we are prepared to reject that offer. Michael michael Michael, you haven't even heard- Ryan ryan Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer? Michael michael $12,000. David Wallace david-wallace Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was. Michael michael What do you hear? Angela angela [mumbles] Kelly kelly Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low, but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get. David Wallace david-wallace I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you. Michael michael Okay, now I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000. Hmm? $60,0000. Michael? David Wallace david-wallace [stutters] We'll have to talk- Michael michael What? Charles charles We'll have to talk about this. Ryan ryan Mm-hmm. Pam pam Just amongst ourselves. Michael michael Okay, yes. Please take the room. Be right outside. Take your time. David Wallace david-wallace Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Michael michael $60,000. Pam pam We are so rich. Michael michael Are you kidding me? Pam pam Well, Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. [gets up and runs to kitchen] Charles. Dwight dwight Dwight. Charles charles May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke. Dwight dwight What? How'd you hear that? Charles charles They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures. Dwight dwight Great work Dwight. Jim jim Quiet you. Dwight dwight No, I mean, great detective work. 'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right? Jim jim You don't crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. That's like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty. Dwight dwight So how long can they stay viable? Charles charles What are your top five cases? Jim jim I'm gonna answer Charles first. Dwight dwight Because you've solved zero cases. Jim jim Okay, one. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom, case closed. Dwight dwight Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room. Charles charles Done. Dwight dwight Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it? Charles charles I'm not- I'm not following you. Dwight dwight You two are morons. Charles charles Got it. Jim jim Wh- Dwight dwight Get out. Charles charles So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer. We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Hmm? David Wallace david-wallace No. Michael michael Can you give us another minute please? Pam pam Yeah. David Wallace david-wallace Oh, okay. Charles charles Michael. Pam pam How could you do this to me, Michael? You just cost me $60,000. Ryan ryan Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing? Pam pam It's a lot of money, okay. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish? Michael michael I would rather have $60,000, honestly. Ryan ryan No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer. Pam pam Agreed? Michael michael Agreed. But that's all, okay. Pam pam Yeah, discuss these things- Ryan ryan Shut up, shut up. Hello? Michael michael I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring. Michael michael They don't make them anymore. Charles charles And I want Charles gone. Michael michael I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable. David Wallace david-wallace That's very kind of you to say, David. Charles charles I need him gone. Michael michael No. David Wallace david-wallace Okay, then I want Pam back. Michael michael Uh, you already have a new receptionist- David Wallace david-wallace Sales. Michael michael Thank you. Pam pam Pam's not a salesperson. David Wallace david-wallace Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday. Michael michael That's right. Pam pam Okay. Please continue. David Wallace david-wallace And Ryan. Michael michael Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael. Ryan is- David Wallace david-wallace You know, David. I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me. Michael michael Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits- David Wallace david-wallace And dental this time. Michael michael Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out. David Wallace david-wallace These are our demands. Michael michael Your company cannot be worth that much. David Wallace david-wallace Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names. Michael michael Michael- David Wallace david-wallace That's one of 'em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court. Michael michael Okay. Deal. Okay? David Wallace david-wallace Can we have the room please? Michael michael Yeah. [David and Charles leave room, Michael shuts the door and closes the blinds] David Wallace david-wallace Yes, yes, yes! Ryan ryan Alright! Pam pam Yes! Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about! Michael michael There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it. Michael michael Hey, guys- Charles charles No, no. You're done. Michael michael