What's this? Dwight dwight Looks like a red wire. Jim jim Hmm. It wasn't here before. Dwight dwight Well it's a computer Dwight, computers have wires. Jim jim Yours doesn't. Dwight dwight Doesn't it? Jim jim No, it's going in a different direction then the other wires. Dwight dwight Dwight, I am really busy, I can't talk about this anymore. [Dwight follows red cord through office past Phyllis' and Stanley's desks] Jim jim Dwight, get out of here! Phyllis phyllis What are you doing? Stanley stanley I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School. 20 bucks for the whole spool. Crazy, what a deal. [behind Jim, Dwight climbs telephone pole] Oh he'll be fine. I made it up there. Jim jim What you talking bout, Wallace? [imitating What you talking bout Willis] Michael michael Hi Michael how are you? David Wallace david-wallace Hi, I am well, how are you? Michael michael So listen, as you know, we haven't yet filled the regional supervisor job. David Wallace david-wallace Oh, have you not? Michael michael Correct. And I was wondering if I could get you to do some of the field work that would normally go to the supervisor [Michael makes exaggerated oh-my-gosh face at camera]. There is an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook, where we have never done any business. David Wallace david-wallace Yeah. Michael michael There is a small company there, Prince Paper. I can't get a report on it because it's not a public company. But we have been talking about going after their market, so I was hoping you could do some fact finding for me. David Wallace david-wallace Okay. Michael michael I'll fax over some of the things we're looking for. David Wallace david-wallace Fax, why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur? Michael michael Look, this is important, Michael. David Wallace david-wallace Oh, well, then, email it to me. Michael michael You've got no taste Stanley Hudson. Phyllis phyllis Oh, I do. Stanley stanley What are you guys talking about? Andy andy Some actress, whether shes hot. Stanley stanley Who is the gal in question? Andy andy Hillary Swank. Phyllis phyllis Ah, Hillary Swank. Creed creed [most of office huddles around print out of Hillary Swank, judging her hotness] Not at all. Kevin kevin She's got mean eyes. Meredith meredith Have you seen her with her bangs? Pam pam She looks like a monster. Kevin kevin Guys, she is a beautiful movie star, so maybe we should just go to work. Jim jim She is an amazing actress. Meredith meredith That is not the question. Kevin kevin She's not hot. Phyllis phyllis Yeah, thank you Phyllis. Kevin kevin Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it. Jim jim I'm not voting. Angela angela [snaps back] No one cares. Who thinks that Hillary Swank is hot, raise your hand. [half of office raises hand] Okay, and who thinks Hillary Swank is not hot, raise your hand. [other half of office raises hand] Jim jim [counting votes] Five. Five to five. Kevin kevin Thank you, accounting department. Jim jim So what do we do now? Kevin kevin [riding in car with Michael] What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets? Dwight dwight I will seduce her. Michael michael No, I wanna seduce her. Dwight dwight No, I will seduce her. Michael michael Please Michael, please. Dwight dwight No, I got it. Michael michael You'll fall in love with her. Dwight dwight Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support. Michael michael Okay, let's go over the plan again. Dwight dwight Alright, I am a local business owner. [Dwight nods along] I need to buy paper. I find out everything about their prices and policies Michael michael Your fictitious name? Dwight dwight Michael Scarn. Michael michael I am a paper salesman looking for a new job. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries. Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael Then we meet at the Denny's... Dwight dwight [interrupting] No. Michael michael ...and then we compare notes. Dwight dwight No, no, I never said Denny's. IHOP. Michael michael No! [arguing over each other] Dwight dwight You know how I feel about IHOP. Dwight dwight Oh, don't start, Michael michael Are you socialist? Dwight dwight You know what? I don't want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP. Michael michael I'll have a cup of a coffee. Dwight dwight You will have pancakes and you'll like it. Michael michael Store only has three employees. Dwight dwight So what? Michael michael It means they are not expanding. Dwight dwight Maybe they are shrinking. Michael michael No. Dwight dwight They could be shrinking. Michael michael No because their sign is centered perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved. Dwight dwight Ah ha [popping something in his mouth] Yup. Michael michael [spying through binoculars] Its lunch time, and no sign of anyone coming in or out. Which means they are not taking new customers out to lunch. Dwight dwight Mm hmm . Michael michael Which Means they're not acquiring new business. So once again no growth. Dwight dwight And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky, which means gonna rain, bad for business. Michael michael Oh, it would if they were all cumulous and not cirrostratus. Dwight dwight Argh, why are you all... Michael michael Get your clouds right. Dwight dwight Shut up. Michael michael So you go in now, I am going to go in exactly ten minutes. We have never met each other. We are complete strangers. Also, we are going to need a signal to bolt out of there if there is danger. Lick ur lips, try it. [Michael licks lips] No, no like this. [Dwight starts and Michael follows passionately licking their lips] Good. Dwight dwight Ready to do this? Michael michael Yeah. Dwight dwight Good. Here come the sharks. [they imitate jaws theme sounds and Dwight makes shark fin on his forehead] Michael michael In nature, there is something called a food chain; it's where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark. So now replace sharks with paper companies and that is all you need to know about business. Michael michael Hello. Michael michael Hello, hi. Prince family prince-family My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner and I would like to find out about your company. Michael michael Oh, please come in Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Thank you. Michael michael What kind of business are you in. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather We are a law firm. Michael michael I assume your primary paper needs are stationary, general office. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather You know, I will be honest with you... about something. Where we used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients and I just didn't feel like a priority. So I guess my question [reaches for paper in his pocket with questions on it] for you would be [reading off sheet] how many clients do you have? Michael michael About 80. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Really? That many? This doesn't seem like a very big operation. Michael michael It's just me, my wife and my son. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Ah, so when did you set up shop? Michael michael I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Oh Vietnam, I hear it's lovely . Michael michael [muted] Mmhmm. [shrugs] Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. Topic: Andy andy So, even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded, you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock? Michael michael You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Well that is... because... I am a genius. Michael michael Oh really? Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Yes, well about some things, and other things I am very stupid. Like, watch this. Is this the cup? [picks up tape dispenser and makes drinking motion] Is this the cup? [picks up a stapler and makes drinking motion] Is this what I drink out of? [glug noise, both laugh] Laughter is my job, tears are my game, law is my profession. Michael michael Hello, I would like to apply for a job. Dwight dwight Hi, I'm afraid we're not hiring right now. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Why don't you just get rid of this guy? [points to Prince Son] Dwight dwight That's my son. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather I'm your son now; you can visit him on holidays. Dwight Schrute, I'm a paper salesman at a second tier paper company called Dunder Mifflin. I'm the top salesman there and I'm looking for a new challenge. I would say you guys have what, 40 high full volume clients? Dwight dwight Try 80. Michael michael Pshaw, that's nothing. I've 90 clients myself. You had better look out, someone might run you out of business. Dwight dwight I sure hope not. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Me too. [smirking] Dwight dwight I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures, you know? We don't really see them as real so therefore we don't judge them as real people. Jim jim Are you serious? Jim, just show us a picture. Kevin kevin Kevin, c'mon. Oscar oscar Yeah, shut up Kevin. Kelly kelly He's making all these fancy, uh, it's a gut thing. Kevin kevin Kevin, you know what, why don't you close your eyes? Imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real and she walks over to you [in a more and more seductive voice] and says Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile and there is nothing I would rather do then make out with you right now. And now you tell me something, is she hot? [Kevin gets up to join the "hot" team to their great joy] Does that end the debate? Jim jim [Kevin sits down, gets right back up and heads back to "not hot" team] No, it's is she hot, not would you do her. Respect the game. Kevin kevin Oh my God. Angela angela [fingers opened an inch] This close. Jim jim Grandfather: Prince prince Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I was expecting a second plot twist where we found out Hilary Swank was a boy. Kevin kevin [disapprovingly] Kevin! Pam pam Ok, I wasn't going to dignify this discussion by getting involved, but I don't even get the discussion, hot is a temperature people. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said, so, yes, she's hot, she's hot as heck, she's a female Boris Becker. Angela angela OH! [the "yes she's hot team" claps] Jim jim Oh, well thank you very much for all of your help. It's going to be an incredibly hard decision. Michael michael Wait; let me get something for you. Here is some, some references. Here is a list of references, our top clients. You call any of them; I trust you will hear some good things. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather I... Okay, okay, okay, [in disbelief] alright, thank you. [heads towards Dwight, makes make out lips signal] Michael michael [both making make out lips at each other] Excuse me sir, I took the bus here and was wondering if I could catch a ride home with you in your car. Dwight dwight Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time. Michael michael Thank you very much. Dwight dwight I cannot wait to contact your clients. Michael michael Thank you for your time I look forward to getting your calls. [hurrying out door] Dwight dwight Bye bye now. So long. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. [running out door] Dwight and Michael dwight michael Haha, we struck the mother load! Michael michael Cmon. Dwight dwight Wallace is going to freak. Michael michael All their top clients I can't believe it. Dwight dwight He's going to absolutely freak. Michael michael Someone's looking out the window. Go go, Peel out, go. [car hits front divider, screeching] Dwight dwight Oh shoot. Michael michael You drove over that. Go back [car hits divider, screeching] Dwight dwight Oh God, what was that? Michael michael That's not good. Dwight dwight No, no, no no. Shes hot, okay? Because if you are saying Hillary Swank isn't hot, then you are saying that I am not hot. Because obviously I am not as hot as Hillary Swank! [Kelly runs away in tears] Kelly kelly Oh my God. Dwight dwight Aw, it's alright. Michael michael Oh man, Dwight dwight Aw, my car. Michael michael Not good. Dwight dwight Is everyone okay? Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather It sounded bad. Prince Grandmother prince-grandmother Yeah. Dwight dwight No no, we are fine. You have done enough already. Michael michael You've done more then you can possibly know. Dwight dwight Just, shut up. You know we are just going to call a tow truck, so... Michael michael A tow truck is going to charge you one hundred bucks to take you a mile. Let me take a look. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather No, no, really not necessary. Michael michael He drove over the divider and then backed over it and caused the.. Dwight dwight I'll be right back I'm just going to grab my tool box. Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Ladies, are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us? Anything at all? We don't even give him full internet access. Pam pam [surprised] Wait, what? Kevin kevin See that, the obvious symmetry of the face? That's a natural appeal of the scientific standard of coin aphelia, features that are a composite average of many features. Yes, she is attractive, but is not hot. Oscar oscar How much longer is this going to take? Dwight dwight You know let me give you some money for this. Michael michael No, I work at a desk all day, its nice working with my hands. Prince Son prince-son Oh coffee, that's too much. [Dwight drinks it] Michael michael This is disgusting, what is it this, instant? Dwight dwight Well that outta do it. [bumper is heavily duct taped to the car] Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather Its all better. Prince Granddaughter prince-granddaughter Thank you. Michael michael Gosh, well so long. [they exchange byes] Prince Grandfather prince-grandfather I look forward to hearing from you about that job application. Dwight dwight Ok, goodbye Prince Family. Michael michael Goodbye prince family, [to Michael] should be called the Sucker family. Here you go shark, let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth while I'm at it. [Dwight laughs evilly, Michael seems remorseful] Bye bye. Dwight dwight [punches Michael on the arm, beckons to Michael for high five, does not get it, high fives himself, smiles contently] Dwight dwight [entire office is chatting] I'm saying, all I'm saying is Kevin is not necessarily a feminist, is all I'm saying. Jim jim No, because... [Dwight and Michael walk in and march into Michael's office, silencing the conversation] Pam pam Dwight, what will happen to that family if I call David and give him this information? Michael michael Its simple, David would use that information to destroy them. Dwight dwight Ok. You know, our sales are fine. We're doing fine. They're doing fine. Michael michael They could do better. Dwight dwight Why don't we just, live and let live? Michael michael What? Dwight dwight Live and let live. Michael michael I'm not familiar with that expression, Dwight dwight It's from James Bond. Michael michael It doesn't make sense, of course I'm alive. Dwight dwight I'm not going to make this call. Michael michael Michael, you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel? Dwight dwight My heart says... Michael michael Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions. Dwight dwight That is true. Michael michael Yes. Dwight dwight That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many many times. Michael michael Yeah. Dwight dwight Jan... Ryan. Michael michael Yeah, save your heart for love, and use your brain for business, right? If we don't do this to prince paper, someone else will. Worse yet, someone else will do it to us. Dwight dwight I am trying to be more optimistic in life. I've got what, 20 or 30 years left. And my family history says I have less. Now, the old Stanley Hudson would have found something wrong this actress. But that is no way to live life. Look at this healthy sexy pretty strong young woman. C'mon people! She is hot. Stanley stanley There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died. Dwight dwight You're right. Michael michael Yeah. Dwight dwight You are right. I will call David and give him the customer list and I will give him all my info. Michael michael Good, so, [Michael takes client list and heads out of office] where are you going? Dwight dwight Just something I have to do first. Michael michael Where are you taking the client list? Dwight dwight Somewhere safe, where it can't hurt anyone [starts running, Dwight follows] Michael michael Michael, Michael, no. Michael, give that. Michael, don't do this. No. [chasing Michael out of the office into parking lot] Dwight dwight Oh shoot! [gets to his car turns around] Michael michael Freeze, give me the list! [still chasing him back into office where Michael grabs his car keys from his desk and heads back to parking lot] Dwight dwight No no no, I can't let you do this! Dwight dwight Those people will be ruined. [runs out back door] Michael michael Its business, not personal. [they run back outside, where Dwight gets paper from Michael] Dwight dwight Give it, give it. We can't do this to those people. Michael michael Its over, Michael, its over. [holding list of clients up] Dwight dwight I'm not a shark. Michael michael Okay, it is time for the final votes. All of those in favor of resolution Hillary Swank is hot? [half of office raises hand] Okay. And all those opposed? [he skips back and joins other half of office in raising hand] Andy andy This is ridiculous. Kevin kevin That's the thing about debating, you're just going to get people more entrenched in the view they had in the first place. [two sides of the debate start arguing] Oscar oscar This is good stuff Michael. You are a titan of industry pal. David Wallace david-wallace [pained] Mpfh. Michael michael Good work. David Wallace david-wallace Thank you. Michael michael Look I'll be in touch, thanks buddy. David Wallace david-wallace Okay, bye bye. Michael michael Guess whose stock just went up, golden boy? Dwight dwight I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. That's what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I don't even... what's the point of that? Why not just sweet? Who are you helping? Michael michael Oh, hey what is this? Michael michael Hillary swank. Pam pam Oh, she is hot. ["Hillary Swank is hot" supporters cheer] Michael michael