[answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I'm sorry, he's not in yet. Would you like his voicemail? Pam pam [heard yelling from the street] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis! Michael michael Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard. Pam pam [yelling as he runs past the radar gun] Aah! Dwight dwight Wow, thirteen! Phyllis phyllis Yes! Dwight dwight No. No, no. There was wind. Michael michael I was just jogging. Dwight dwight Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over. Michael michael No, no, no, it's not your turn. All right, thirteen is the new number. Oscar, go ahead. Jim jim I want another try. Here we go! [Michael runs past the radar as a car passes] Thirty-one! Thirty-one! Michael michael There was a car. Stanley stanley I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number. Michael michael Thirty-one is humanly impossible. Oscar oscar Go, Oscar. Thirty-one's my number. Michael michael That's impossible. Oscar oscar Beat it! Michael michael Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by [in an authoritative voice] Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. [in normal voice] He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so... probably bad. Michael michael Quick announcement: Pam pam Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward. Jim jim [sighs] How can he still not know? Michael michael We can't figure that out. Jim jim I can't take it anymore. Michael michael Wait, what? You can't take what? Dwight dwight I am telling Andy. Michael michael No. You can't do that. It shouldn't come from you. Dwight dwight Who should it come from, then? Michael michael [simultaneously] Angela. Everyone everyone [to Dwight] Are you still having intercourse with her? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes'] Michael michael What is wrong with you? She is engaged. Oscar oscar Did you ever have intercourse in this office? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes'] Michael michael Are you serious? Ugh. Where? [Dwight stares at Oscar; more forcefully] Where? [Dwight's expression implies 'at your desk'; Oscar's voice breaks] Where, Dwight? Oscar oscar [coolly] Seems like you already know where. Dwight dwight Kevin, you screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top. Angela angela Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would've admitted it, and stopped right away. Kevin kevin That's enough. Angela angela Because I wouldn't want an innocent person, who doesn't know anything about the form... [Angela puts headphones on; Kevin looks at Oscar] What? Kevin kevin That was good... It's just, at the end you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form. Oscar oscar How about, "I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form?" Kevin kevin There you go. Oscar oscar [on the phone] That cannot be true! [Dwight jumps] You're going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh, no. No, no, no. What I'm saying is, I want to cut it myself... Andy andy [whispering to Jim] Trade seats with me. Dwight dwight No. Jim jim I've got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything. Dwight dwight Please stop. Jim jim [grabs a spoon from Jim's coffee cup and checks behind him with it] I need a soup spoon. Dwight dwight Rule 17: Dwight dwight [moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other and clears his throat to get Angela's attention] Dwight dwight What is it? Angela angela You've got to tell Andy about us. Dwight dwight That is a terrible idea. One of your worst. Angela angela Get it over with. Then we don't have to hide anymore. Dwight dwight You're expanding on your worst idea. Angela angela Do you love me or not? Dwight dwight I've already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it? Angela angela Because you're engaged to Andy. Dwight dwight [sighs] Angela angela Well? Michael michael Not yet. Dwight dwight When? Jim jim When what? [clears throat] When what? Andy andy You know this can't go on. Michael michael What can't go on? Andy andy We have to put an end to this. Michael michael Seems like... Andy andy Come on. [Dwight and Jim follow into Michael's office] Michael michael You guys should... be hearing what I'm saying. Andy andy This is really not how this is supposed to happen. Jim jim Angela said she was going to tell him. She's just not ready. Dwight dwight When will she be ready? Michael michael I don't know. Dwight dwight Is she crazy in bed? Michael michael [boastfully] Yes. Dwight dwight Stop. What? Jim jim How so, specifically? Michael michael Okay, listen. Jim jim Eager. Dwight dwight This shouldn't happen at work. Jim jim And flexible. Dwight dwight And! Jim jim Really? Michael michael This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue. Jim jim It's too late. Michael michael Well it's not too late, because you haven't done anything. Jim jim I am already walking. Michael michael Michael, once this gets out... I don't know how it's going to go down. Dwight dwight Okay, what does that mean? Michael michael Might get ugly. Dwight dwight [sighs] Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it. Michael michael But you're leaving... Jim jim [to Michael, who opens the door to leave] Have a good trip. Dwight dwight Thanks. [to Andy] Andy? Michael michael Yeah. Andy andy Walk with me. Michael michael Will do, boss-man. Andy andy Ohh, I do not have much time... car's all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say... say these things, that... are bad things... that you hear... in your ears... this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear... Michael michael You're not making any sense. Andy andy Well... no, I'm not. So I... I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day. Michael michael All righty. Andy andy Which will be fine. I am off! Michael michael Have a good meeting! Andy andy Thank you! [gets into his car] Michael michael [through the car window] Kick Wallace's ass! Andy andy [through the car window] Okay. I will... Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so... Michael michael I can't hear you through the glass Andy andy [rolls down car window] Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They've been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know. Michael michael What? Andy andy All right. See you later. [backs out of the parking space] Ahh. Michael michael Are you serious? Andy andy Yep. [drives off] Michael michael I knew something bad was gonna happen today. Meredith meredith You said that yesterday. Oscar oscar Yeah, my neighbor got murdered. Meredith meredith [to Dwight] What are you standing for? Jim jim If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin. Dwight dwight You're not going to do anything to his neck or his groin. Jim jim If I'm sitting, I don't have the option to. Dwight dwight Dwight, I'm in charge when Michael's gone, and I need you to sit... Jim jim [enters the office and walks to Angela] I need to talk to you. Andy andy We can talk right here. Angela angela I need to talk to you in private. Andy andy We're not listening. Kevin kevin Let's go to the conference room. Andy andy Is it true? Andy andy What have you heard? Angela angela That you're sleeping with Dwight. Andy andy That doesn't sound like me. Angela angela Is it true? Andy andy Andy, I'm engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married? And, we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake... Angela angela Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight? Andy andy A little bit. Angela angela How long has it been going on? Andy andy I don't know. I mean, we were together, and then he killed sprinkles, and then we stopped, and... I don't know exactly when we started up again. Angela angela Who else knows about it? Andy andy Michael. Angela angela Who else? Andy andy [quietly] Let me think about it... I, um... there... [Andy looks over to see everyone watching them] Angela angela Oh God. Come on! Andy andy So listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Out-performing last year, in fact. Um, and I don't know exactly how to put this, but... what are you doing right? David Wallace david-wallace Right what? Michael michael Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. [Michael smiles] Look, you're not our most traditional guy, but clearly, something you are doing... is right. And I just, I need to get a sense of what that is. David Wallace david-wallace David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever. Michael michael Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation. Michael michael This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler. Michael michael Here's the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored. It's not really time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It's Hail Mary time. David Wallace david-wallace [pokes his head in] Hey, what say we order up some pasta? Michael michael What say we do. David Wallace david-wallace Standard, you know? Nothing fancy. Angela angela So like, missionary... Andy andy I said nothing fancy. Angela angela Do you love him? Andy andy I love you. Angela angela Why should I believe that? Andy andy Andy, we are at a crossroads here. And we can either give in to what people are saying that we're not good together. Angela angela Who says that? Andy andy Or, we can prove them wrong. Let's prove them wrong. Angela angela Where's Dwight? Andy andy You okay, man? Jim jim No. Not at all, actually. But thanks for asking. Appreciate it. You know what? I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying. To my face. And not telling me what's been going on this entire time. Andy andy You are welcome. Creed creed [Dwight enters] Dwight. Andy andy Andy. Dwight dwight It's over. Andy andy Oh good. She broke up with you. Dwight dwight No. It's over between you two. Andy andy Uh, no way. I am not giving up. Dwight dwight You have to. Andy andy No I don't. Dwight dwight [forcefully] She doesn't love you. She's marrying me. Andy andy [angrier] Well I don't know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me. Dwight dwight Angela Bernard. Andy andy Will never be her name. Dwight dwight It will be her name. And you will have to call her that! Andy andy I don't think so. Dwight dwight Hey guys, why don't we, uh, just cool off a bit? Jim jim I'm telling you to back down. Andy andy And I'm telling you that I will never back down. Dwight dwight Then I'll make you. Andy andy Oh really? How are you gonna do that? Dwight dwight Through the use of force. Andy andy That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest. Dwight dwight I will fight you. Andy andy Nope. Jim jim Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela. Dwight dwight Fine! Andy andy Fine! Dwight dwight This is nuts. Oscar oscar What is your weapon? Dwight dwight Okay, you know what? That's enough. Because... Jim jim Hey, this is none of your business. Dwight dwight Hey. It is my business when it happens at work. Jim jim Guess what? Not happening at work. Andy andy Yes! Dwight dwight We're gonna do it outside. Andy andy Outside of work. Dwight dwight None of your business. Andy andy None of your business then. [Dwight and Andy high five] Good. So what weapon? Dwight dwight My bare hands. Andy andy That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands. Dwight dwight Then I'll get something too. Andy andy I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder. Meredith meredith Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now. Pam pam [thinks for a moment] I will respect the results of the duel. Angela angela Of course you will. Pam pam I call loser! Meredith meredith I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot. Andy andy I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location. Dwight dwight [softly] What a coincidence. Andy andy Mm. Dwight dwight So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day... leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God. Jim jim [collects Dwight's weapons from around the office; holds up a hand scythe] Jim jim [innocently] How'd that get there? Dwight dwight There's a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table. Meredith meredith Thanks Meredith. Jim jim So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, "Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?" And he looks at me and he says, "Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket." And I look back at him and I say, "I feel the need!... The need for tweed." Michael michael It's hard to try and evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. [gets up] And thanks for coming in. David Wallace david-wallace [rises] Oh, thank you. Michael michael Yes. David Wallace david-wallace I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me. Michael michael Yeah. David Wallace david-wallace Okay. [sits back down to continue eating] Michael michael [opens his office door] Yeah, finish up. David Wallace david-wallace [shouting] Come on! Where are you? Let's do this thing! Come on! Come on out! Dwight dwight [watching from the conference room] I can't believe they're gonna fight over me. Angela angela I guess people have fewer choices as they get older. Kelly kelly Come on! Dwight dwight Hey, has anything happened yet? Meredith meredith Where are you? Dwight dwight Mm-mm. It's 4:10, I don't think he's gonna show. Oscar oscar Oh come on, man! Believe in something. Kevin kevin Come on, coward! Where are you? Where... [spots a note attached to the bushes; goes to read it] "From the desk of Andrew Bernard." [scoffs] A note. Pathetic. "Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested." True. "The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly..." [as Dwight continues to read, Andy drives around the corner very slowly] Dwight dwight There's Andy, he's in his car. You guys, what is he doing? Kelly kelly Why isn't Dwight turning around? Phyllis phyllis The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win. Oscar oscar Yeah. Creed creed [still reading] Alas, after much consideration and deliberation... Dwight dwight Oh my God! Pam pam What's happening? Stanley stanley Andy's running over Dwight with his car. Phyllis phyllis Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey! Dwight dwight Yeah. Andy andy Oh! Everyone everyone Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah! Dwight dwight You give up? Andy andy Never! [hits Andy's car with his bike chain] Get out and face me like a man! Dwight dwight I am a man! I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance! Andy andy You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! [hits his car with the bike chain] All you do is dress fancy and sing. [imitating Andy] "La la la la la la la la la la!" What does that mean? You can't even protect her! Dwight dwight Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton? Andy andy Last year, idiot! [hits his car with the bike chain] Dwight dwight Dwight! Are your legs broken? Jim jim No. My right one's falling asleep a little bit. Dwight dwight Andy, are you all right? Jim jim Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this! Andy andy Yeah, back off. This isn't your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? [hits his car with the bike chain] Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that! [hits his car with the bike chain] Dwight dwight What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Andy andy I sa- [Andy honks his horn] Dwight dwight What? You stupid idiot! [Andy honks his horn] You're like, you're like a Sasquatch! You live in the woods... Andy andy Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch! Dwight dwight I don't get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice? Andy andy What? Dwight dwight What! Andy andy She's sleeping with you? Dwight dwight I'm her fiance. Andy andy She said she was only sleeping with me. Dwight dwight [enters, followed by Dwight, and makes a call] Yes, hi, my last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R, N-A, R-D. Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat... Yep, that's the one. Andy andy [picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can] Dwight dwight Thank you. [hangs up] Andy andy Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here's an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. [sighs] Ahh! Michael michael [as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow; Jim catches him and he hands it over] Dwight dwight