What is this? Dwight dwight Happy Holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas. Jim jim You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours? Dwight dwight Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping. Jim jim Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. [scoffs] Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes. Dwight dwight I think it'll take you a little longer than that. Jim jim Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my -- [sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, desk and chair are made of paper, Dwight crashes to the floor] Dwight dwight Eh... Stanley stanley I'm sorry. It's the largest one I have. Phyllis phyllis I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat. [Kevin is wearing the same hat] Stanley stanley This is the first Christmas party I am throwing as head of the party planning committee. The theme is "Nights in Morocco". This isn't your grandmothers Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate. Phyllis phyllis Hey, Phyllis, do I need this invite to get in to the party? Michael michael Yes. Phyllis phyllis Awesome. I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever. Michael michael Angela. You're going to move this for the party right? It's not on theme. Phyllis phyllis It's the nativity scene. Angela angela Alright. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant and the north African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer. Phyllis phyllis I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer. Angela angela I need you to get rid of the tree. Phyllis phyllis But- Angela angela Thank you. Phyllis phyllis Oh, I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be black mail, it would have to be a formal letter. Phyllis phyllis Ah. You brought in your doll collection. Jim jim These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities. Same as gold or oil. Dwight dwight Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catchphrase: "My horn can pierce the sky". Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become desperate I will sell them for an enormous profit. Isn't that right princess? [makes doll nod] Dwight dwight That's the Christmas spirit. Jim jim I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse? Dwight dwight Yes. Jim jim Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out. Michael michael They are now. Dwight dwight Cool. [sings] My horn can pierce the sky. Michael michael This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. Call it a one of everything. Michael michael [drinks] Oh... my... GOD!!! [laughs] Hit me again. Meredith meredith Alright... One more time around the block. Michael michael I will grant you one wish. Jim jim I wish that you'd stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way. Pam pam Stupid. Everyone knows to ask for a hundred more wishes. [Pam laughs] Dumb. Jim jim [sitting on floor playing the sitar] Hey, hey... Ange... check it out. [sings] There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance. [laughs] Andy andy Really Andy? It's Christmas and your singing about nudity and France. Angela angela [sings] There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all. Andy andy Jim, Jim.... Michael michael What is it? Jim jim That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka. Michael michael Wow, that is delicious. Jim jim Yeah. Michael michael Can't believe no ones thought of that. Jim jim I know. Michael michael [dancing drunkenly] Ahh yeah!! Meredith meredith [continuing to dance, lifting her shirt] Belly dancing! Meredith meredith 120, 180... 200. Guy buying doll guy-buying-doll All right. Dwight dwight Thank you so much. My daughter is going to love this. Guy guy Oh, so glad I could help. Dwight dwight Thanks. Guy guy Merry Christmas. Dwight dwight You too. Guy guy Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching. Dwight dwight [sighs] Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India. Michael michael [Meredith's hair is on fire] Oh, oh, oh, oh! Jim jim We got a live one! On fire!! [Dwight extinguishes Meredith] Dwight dwight I'm all right. I'm all right. Meredith meredith Sorry. Andy andy We're back on the 5th, should we just do it then? Oscar oscar Can not do it then. Monthly dental appointment, soft teeth Michael michael What about February 2nd? Oscar oscar Ah... would you want to do it on Groundhogs day? Jim jim No, no. I celebrate privately. Michael michael That's cool. Jim jim Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly. Michael michael Now? It's our Christmas party. Oscar oscar We'll do it quickly. Michael michael Well what if we can't do it quickly. Jim jim [mimicking] What if we can't do it quickly? What if we cant do it- Michael michael Do you know how to do an intervention? Oscar oscar Hey, shut up. Here we go. Everybody gather up. Michael michael An intervention. It's sort of hard to describe, but really its- it's a coming together... it's a surprise party for people who are- who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop. Michael michael It looks like we're going to be here for awhile, so why don't you make a little plate of hummus for everyone. Little triangles of pita, toasted on both sides, fanned so you can easily can grab them. Phyllis phyllis I don't- Angela angela And napkins... fanned. Phyllis phyllis Okay, how do you feel? Michael michael A little better. I threw up. Meredith meredith Uck... T.M.I. Michael michael Fire girl. [looks around] Too soon? Kevin kevin Yeah. Jim jim Okay, you know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention and then get back to the party. Michael michael Michael, we are only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance. We can not ask her to stop drinking. Toby toby I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic. Michael michael I'm not an alcoholic. Meredith meredith Yeah, obviously you are. Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic please raise your hand. [everyone raises their hand] Michael michael Aye. Dwight dwight The aye's have it. Michael michael I don't care what everyone thinks. I know I am not an alcoholic. Meredith meredith Alright, well, let's look at this a little bit closer then shall we? [pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket] Michael michael When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz. Andy andy Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind? Michael michael Sure. Meredith meredith Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday? Michael michael Obviously. Meredith meredith Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church? Michael michael Where did you get this? Oscar oscar I got it on a website, that's not important. Michael michael Michael, We should contact some experts. You don't know what your doing. Toby toby Okay, you know what Toby? One of my employees is undergoing a crisis and I wish for just once you would take my side on this. I'm doing your job man. Hey, are you texting? Michael michael Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag. Kelly kelly Alcohol is a drag. Yes. Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to, but then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on people. If we don't say anything she's not going to get any better. [Kevin raises his hand] Yes, Kevin. Michael michael Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool. Kevin kevin That's- you didn't- you weren't hurt by that. Michael michael Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Meredith. Kevin kevin You're welcome. Meredith meredith Okay, no, that's not what we're going for. Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking? It has to bother you. It bothers me. Right? How does it bother you? Dwight, don't you have anything? Michael michael No, I like Meredith. Dwight dwight Actually, I don't care for Meredith, but I don't believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family we believe in a five fingered intervention. [holds up his fist] Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching. Dwight dwight Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night? Michael michael I am fine. Meredith meredith Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? Hey- come here. If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do. Michael michael I know I drink. I like to party Meredith meredith I want you to say I'm an alcoholic. Michael michael I am not an alcoholic! Meredith meredith You can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you. Michael michael I was waiting until later to hand out this years gifts from corporate. [holds up shot glass] I don't think they're appropriate anymore. Phyllis phyllis Please stop making me do these things. Angela angela Oh, sorry, it's your job. Phyllis phyllis But it's the season of mercy. Angela angela You never showed me mercy when you were in charge. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet? Phyllis phyllis I lost it. [Phyllis glares at her until Angela pulls out the hairnet and puts it on] Angela angela Ok... nice. Phyllis phyllis I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn. Meredith meredith [amid groans from the rest of the office] Alright, no, no, no. No. That is the image, I think we can all agree is very disgusting. But you know what, Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow.? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead? Michael michael I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick. Dwight dwight There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick. Dwight dwight Everyone in this room loves you, but mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire we are not going to help put you out. Michael michael Oh, as fire marshal I would have to. Dwight dwight Dwight- Michael michael She is a hazard to the other people of the office. Dwight dwight [sighs]...okay. Michael michael I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area. Dwight dwight Yeah, but you're gonna need a permit for that. Jim jim Oh right, that'll take a couple of weeks. Dwight dwight I can get you one in an hour. Creed creed Really? Dwight dwight Okay you know, this- this is over. Toby toby I agree. Stanley stanley Michael, I think... you did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us. Jim jim Enabler! Enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler. It's Christmas and we are turning our back on somebody who is asking for help. Michael michael You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true, so I'm not going to wish that on her. I- a watch would be nice. Michael michael [watching Meredith and Michael talk in his office] They've been in there for 45 minutes. Jim jim I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now. [Jim laughs] Pam pam That's a halwa shabkia cookie. They serve it during Ramadan. [Angela spits her cookie out] Phyllis phyllis Mmmm... chewy. Stanley stanley [Andy playing the sitar] Hey. Jim jim What's up? Andy andy Do you take requests? Jim jim Sure. Andy andy Please stop. People are having a Christmas party. Jim jim [whispers to Meredith] I'll be down in a minute. [walks over to Toby] Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned? Michael michael Sure. Wow. [Michael throws a pen at his head] Ow... Toby toby We just missed Poor Richards. Meredith meredith We did? Michael michael Yeah, I thought we were going out for a drink? Meredith meredith Oh, shoot. Oh well, we'll have to go someplace else then I guess. Michael michael The Bog? Cooper's, Kelly's... Meredith meredith We could go there, sure. Michael michael ...Brixx's, Carmen's... Meredith meredith Yes, yes. Michael michael ...The Fort, Andy Gavin's. Meredith meredith I have a new place. Michael michael Well, it must have just opened up. Meredith meredith It- yep, recently. Michael michael Yeah... all right. Meredith meredith All right. Michael michael Enough of this Christmas crap. Let's get some party music. [changes radio station] Yeah! Meredith meredith Yeah, oh there you go. Michael michael Yeah! Meredith meredith That's good. Michael michael Yeah that's better. Meredith meredith We're party girls. Michael michael [on phone] Hey Sasha, it's daddy. Have you ever heard of this doll , Princess Unicorn? Toby toby [shouting excitedly over the phone] Daddy, daddy, daddy!! Sasha sasha No, No, No. No, I'm just curious if you've heard of it. Toby toby This is great. My ex-wife's going to be so pissed. [chuckles] For once daddy's gonna be a hero. Toby toby $200. Dwight dwight Yo. Darryl darryl Hey, I'd like to buy one of your dolls. Toby toby Oh, that's my last one. Dwight dwight Oh, no, I- no, no, I was gonna buy that doll. Toby toby Thanks man. Darryl darryl I was- I was gonna get the doll. Toby toby Not my problem. Dwight dwight But I- I promised my daughter. Darryl, look- I- I need the doll, I need the doll. I- I'm- I'm begging you. I just- I need it more than anything in this world. I need this doll. Darryl, man I need this doll. Toby toby All right man, don't cry. It's cool. I'll let you get it for $400. Darryl darryl I only have $200. Toby toby You can owe me. Darryl darryl [laughs] Oh man, thanks, thank you, [tearing up] thank you, thank you. Toby toby I know, right. Merry Christmas. Darryl darryl Oh thanks. She's gonna... [notices the doll is black] oh... Toby toby Something wrong with the doll? Darryl darryl No. It's even- it's even better than the one I wanted. Toby toby Sunrise Rehab? No! No! No! I told you no! There is no way! Meredith meredith It's okay. It's all right. Michael michael No way! There is no way! No way! Meredith meredith Meredith, we are doing this for your own good. Okay. Come on- Michael michael No way! No way! There is no way! Meredith meredith Here we go. This is gonna be good. Michael michael No! No way! I told you. We talked about this. There is absolutely no way. No! No! There is no way! No! No! I am not going in there! I am not going in there! Meredith meredith Yes you are. [tries to pull Meredith from the car] Michael michael I am not going in there! NO!! Meredith meredith Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just wait! Just wait! Meredith meredith Shhh... just calm down. Michael michael [runs away] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! No! No! Meredith meredith [chasing Meredith] Come on. Shh... Michael michael No! No! No! There is no way! There is no way! Meredith meredith Here's the door. Here's the door. Michael michael There is no way! There is no way! No! No! Meredith meredith [dragging Meredith on the floor into the rehab center] Let's start meeting- Hello. How are you? Michael michael This man is crazy! This man is crazy! Meredith meredith Can I help you? Rehab Nurse rehab-nurse I have a deposit. Alcoholic. Michael michael No! No! No! No! No! Meredith meredith So do I sign? Michael michael NO!!! Meredith meredith I need you to put the Christmas tree back up. Phyllis phyllis It's outside. Angela angela I didn't ask you where it was. I told you where it needs to be. Phyllis phyllis Shut up. Angela angela Excuse me? Phyllis phyllis I'm not moving the tree. Face it. The only power you have over me is this big secret that I know you're not going to tell. And you want to know how I know that? Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore. So you move the tree. Angela angela Okay. [starts to walk away, then turns around] Angela's having sex with Dwight. I caught them doing it after Toby's going away party. Phyllis phyllis Well don't look so surprised. Dwight dwight I knew it. Pam pam You did not know it. Jim jim I knew some of it. Pam pam Everyone knew some of it. Jim jim It's Christmas. Pam pam You knew it. Jim jim Thank you. I knew it. Pam pam She knew it. Jim jim As it turns out you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um... I think I can do it. I did it with Jan. Michael michael All right, everybody's still here. Perfect! Got a little surprise I've been working on. Angela, my bride, I just wanted you to know that for the rest of our lives, no matter the cultural milieu, I will always be there to bring you Christmas cheer. [sings] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Tis the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Don we now our gay apparel. Fa-la-la-la-la-LA. Troll the little Yule tide carol. Roo-di-di-di-do. Roododododo. [laughs] Andy andy I think I'd like to go home now. Angela angela Sure. Dooo. Tough room. [chuckles] Come on. I just learned it. Just so you know protocol is a little round of applause. But, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Andy andy