Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you? Michael michael My tire blew out on the way here, Michael. Kevin kevin Huh? Michael michael I almost died. I... I went into this skid-- Kevin kevin Pop quiz. Michael michael ...What? Kevin kevin Why is today a special day? Michael michael I almost died. Kevin kevin Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you... Michael michael You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class. Ryan ryan In business school, Kevin. Business school. Michael michael Wow. Kevin kevin If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right? Ryan ryan A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. ... Really ruined eighth grade for us. Michael michael Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you? Michael michael "Don't be an idiot." Changed my life. Dwight dwight Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing. Dwight dwight Will they throw their hats, you think? Michael michael What? Ryan ryan A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air. Michael michael Y-You understand nobody's graduating. Ryan ryan Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: "May your hats fly as high as your dreams." ... That was a pretty good line. Michael michael ...It doesn't apply. Ryan ryan I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Whoa, hey! Michael michael Quit it! Ryan ryan We have fun. Michael michael I can't for your art show tonight. Roy roy Okay, just so you know, it's just the students from my class in a little studio. Pam pam I-I wouldn't miss it for the world. Roy roy Thanks. Pam pam I'm really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. ... Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy. Pam pam Love ya. Roy roy You too. Pam pam Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on. Jim jim I can't believe you're back together with Roy! Kelly kelly Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know. Pam pam Oh my God. You're so in love now. Kelly kelly Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way. Pam pam Oh, art show! Kelly kelly I mean, it's not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there. Pam pam ...Oh... yeah. Definitely... I'll be there. For sure. Kelly kelly Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? [runs over, throws frisbee] Whoo! Michael michael ....Dude. College Student college-student ...Oh my God. Animal stool. [jumps on desk] Dwight dwight Dwight, what are you doing? Pam pam Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you. [opens ceiling tile] Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo-BAT! BAAAT! BAT! Dwight dwight Oh my God! Karen karen BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes! Dwight dwight Goooood bye. Stanley stanley [on ground] ... Please don't let that stupid thing near me... Angela angela Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now. Michael michael ...Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off... Ryan ryan I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it. Michael michael We have... a bat... in the office. Dwight dwight The simple solution would be to open a window... if we had... windows that could open. Toby toby Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop! Angela angela Okay. Thanks. [hangs up phone] Animal control will be here at six. Jim jim At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership. Dwight dwight I'm sorry what did you say? So wierd... Jim jim What? What's so wierd? Dwight dwight The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... [shrugs] Oh well. Jim jim And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott. Ryan ryan Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of book] You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. [gives book back] I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel. Michael michael [sighs] This is your job, Halpert. Dwight dwight Ow! Jim jim Oh, what happened? Karen karen That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It's white hot. Jim jim But Jim, this garlic bread is cold. Karen karen What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre. Jim jim No... no. One crisis at a time. Dwight dwight If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a "sylvania." Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn't mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ. Dwight dwight So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... [pulls out a candy bar] a Whatchamacallit [throws bar]. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay [takes out a PayDay, throws it]. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand [throws 100 Grand bar]. [pulls out a Snickers] Satisfied? Michael michael Oh, this looks great. I'd, I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. ... Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it. Toby toby Oh! No, you should go. Pam pam Well, it's important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art. Toby toby Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies. Michael michael Michael. Ryan ryan ...And products! Michael michael What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing. Ryan ryan Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up. Michael michael Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world? Business Student #1 business-student We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [everyone types on their laptops] Michael michael Hey Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted. Karen karen Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare. Jim jim What glare? Karen karen The glare off Angela's crucifix? It's blinding. Jim jim I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog. Dwight dwight Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance- Dwight dwight Sure. Creed creed -to use sudden violence. Dwight dwight Okay. Creed creed Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake? Dwight dwight What size? Creed creed What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain? Business Student #2 business-student ...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back. Michael michael Has anyone ever come back? Business Student #2 business-student ...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid. Michael michael How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger? Business Student #3 business-student Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index? Michael michael ...What? Business Student #3 business-student Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here? Michael michael By your own employee's calculation you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years. Business Student #1 business-student ...Wait, Ryan said that? Michael michael What are you doing? You'd better not hurt that little bat. Kelly kelly Animals can't feel pain. Creed creed Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family! Kelly kelly Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW! Dwight dwight AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT! Kelly kelly [locks bat in break room] I... am a hero! Kevin kevin Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay. Michael michael But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain? Business Student #2 business-student David will always beat Goliath. Michael michael But there's five Goliaths, there's... Staples, Officemax... Business Student #1 business-student Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school? Michael michael But in the big picture... Business Student #1 business-student Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't. You're too young. Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well you know what? He doesn't know anything, and neither do you. [walks out] SO SUCK ON THAT! Michael michael ...It wasn't personal. Ryan ryan Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things. Michael michael Pack my-? Ryan ryan You heard me, pack your things. Michael michael I really want to come out! Meredith meredith Good night, Mary Beth! Creed creed So... you're cool to just wait here for animal control? Jim jim Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six. Dwight dwight Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades... there's just so much sun in here... bye Dwight. Jim jim Goodbye Jim. And good luck. Dwight dwight Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen. Dwight dwight ...And it's all from the same series. Pam pam Oh. Woman woman Called 'Impressions.' Pam pam Oh. Woman woman Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se. Pam pam Maybe one day. Woman woman I hope so. Pam pam Mmm. Woman woman I still need... you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. [Woman leaves, Roy enters] Hey, babe, how are you? Pam pam Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh? Roy roy Hey, Kenny. Pam pam Hey Pam. Kenny kenny How 'bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That's... pretty cool, huh? Roy roy Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh! [puts bag over Meredith's head] Dwight dwight Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me! Meredith meredith Hold still, woman! Dwight dwight Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh! Meredith meredith ...[captures bat in bag] ... You're welcome. Dwight dwight It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them. Roy roy Yeah, I'll just, I'll drive myself home. Pam pam To my place? Roy roy Maybe, I'm a little tired. Pam pam Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art. Roy roy Thank you. Pam pam Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and... of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me. Ryan ryan Fire you? No, no no. You are moving... to the annex. Michael michael To the annex? Where... Kelly is? Ryan ryan A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business. Michael michael You're the one who said we needed more culture. Oscar oscar This is culture to you? Gil gil It's her first try. Oscar oscar Yeah, on Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants. Gil gil Meaning what? Oscar oscar Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty. Gil gil Well, those aren't Pam's strong points. Oscar oscar Yeah, exactly. That's why this is... motel art. Gil gil Thanks for coming. Artist artist Pam-casso! Sorry I'm late, I had to race across town. Michael michael Oh, Michael. Pam pam Wow! You did these... freehand? Michael michael Yep. Pam pam My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. [sighs] ... How much? Michael michael What do you mean? Pam pam I don't see a... price. Michael michael Um... you wanna buy it? Pam pam Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my... window, and there's my car! That your car? Michael michael Uh-huh. Pam pam That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you. Michael michael [hugs Michael] ... Thank you. Pam pam What? Michael michael Do you have something in your pocket? Pam pam ...Chunky. Do you want half? Michael michael No thank you. Pam pam Okay. Michael michael It is... a message. It is an inspiration, it is... a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera. Michael michael Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God... Kelly kelly It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited. Ryan ryan I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't... Kelly kelly Well ultimately I went into business to inspire people. They say those who can't do, teach. I can do both. I teach doing. Michael michael OK, here we go... Digest of business terms, CliffsNotes on business economics, and a sales encyclopedia. Jim jim Wow! That's a lot of books, do you have, umm, one book that sums up all of these. Michael michael Those are the books that sum up the other books. Jim jim So no? Michael michael What are you reading? Jim jim Oh, umm, ever since I started here, I've kept a diary of all my sales. Michael michael Oh, that could be interesting. Jim jim No, it's just mileage mostly, but there's one chapter that I call wisdoms. I'm going to read you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how smart they are. Michael michael [clears throat] I am ready. Jim jim Don't do what I say, say what I do. Michael michael Five. Jim jim Just getting warmed up. Mistakes are just successes that you mess up. Michael michael Hmm... Five. Jim jim This... You know this is a scale of one to ten? Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim OK. Do you want me to repeat that? Michael michael No, I got it. Jim jim [motions to phyllis's desk] Creed creed She's on her honeymoon. She won't be back for six weeks. Stanley stanley I'll wait. [sighs] Creed creed Here's a joke for you. Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding? Meredith meredith Don't Meredith. Angela angela You ready? Meredith meredith You know I don't like to participate in the... Oscar oscar Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding? Meredith meredith Really, it's just that I don't like to participate... Oscar oscar Grow up. Meredith meredith It's just... I'm sorry... It's gossip, and I don't think it's healthy. Oscar oscar Get over yourself. Meredith meredith Well, I'm not going to get over myself... it's wrong. Oscar oscar Because Roy use to... [long censor beep]... with the rice... [long censor beep]... [laughs] Meredith meredith [laughs] That's disgusting. Oscar oscar [still laughing] I know. Meredith meredith Everybody please stand, and get up on your desks. [goes to stand on desk] Just stand right up. Michael michael Michael it's not... It's not... Ryan ryan That's, yep a little flimsy. Umm... OK... Ahh... Alright, no more desks. Oh OK. Michael michael I have a lot of big ideas, and the trick is to get it out of my brain and into theirs, in a way that is easy to swallow. Simple... [holds up snickers] Kids love candy bars. Michael michael Lets try a little... Little social experiment here. Raise your hands if you like to buy things. OK, I see some people who like to buy things. You're it, you are the reason this world rolls along, give yourselves a round of applause. Say, say you want to start a business, and business is all about buying and selling, is it not? So say you want to sell lemonade, or stickers. Something you have to keep in mind, you must, and you might want to jot this down, you must sell the stickers for more than you bought the stickers for. Michael michael How have you adopted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world? Student #1 student Oh, Oh, I take umbrage to that premise...ses. Umm, let me ask you this: Michael michael [Karen sees Pam's art show flyer on the cabinet door, she looks around to make sure no one is looking, then proceeds to rip in down, Oscar comes out of the bathroom, Karen acts like she was just looking at it and then walks out of the kitchen] Karen karen BAT! Dwight dwight [comes out of the bathroom... screams... runs back into the bathroom] Meredith meredith What is a leader? I asked Jim that, and he said he had never heard the word before. In America, in 2007. He said he knew the word ladder... What an ignoramous. Dwight dwight [Bat hanging from ceiling cleaning itself] I really want to come out. Meredith meredith You want rabies? Be my guest. Dwight dwight [looking with Kevin at the art show flyer] Should be fun. Pam pam Your name looks really nice. Kevin kevin Goodnight Mary-Beth. Creed creed Hope she's OK. Kelly kelly Just goes to show the power of prayer. Angela angela You prayed for this? Kelly kelly In a general sense. Angela angela So cool you're back with Roy. Maybe we can rent that cabin on the lake again this summer. Kenny kenny Yeah, that'd be nice. Pam pam There'll be two of you and only one of me this time, since Denise left me. So I think it's fair I only pay a third. Kenny kenny Yeah that seems fair. Pam pam