All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... [to Dwight] what is this? Jim jim Tape recorder. Dwight dwight For what? Jim jim For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts. Dwight dwight OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm? Jim jim Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment. Karen karen Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing? Jim jim What? Dwight dwight You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office. Jim jim I'm not. Dwight dwight Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife! Jim jim I do not have a knife! Dwight dwight No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?! Jim jim [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar! Dwight dwight [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet. Jim jim Give me it. I am not. Dwight dwight Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly... Phyllis phyllis Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK. Dwight dwight Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo? Karen karen Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies. Jim jim You can't see... You can't see my stomach. Dwight dwight I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in! Andy andy Hey, mon! Michael michael Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... [sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair] that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed. Pam pam Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax. Michael michael OK. Pam pam Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later. Michael michael It's kind of serious. Pam pam Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me. Michael michael How was Jamaica? Pam pam It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says "Hey mon," everybody says "Hey mon" back. Michael michael Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here. Stanley stanley Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too. Michael michael My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised. Stanley stanley OK, well payroll is in charge of all that. Michael michael They said I should talk to you. Stanley stanley Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna... Michael michael I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check. Stanley stanley You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon. Michael michael You want to talk about it? Jim jim Nope. Karen karen I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a "for rent" sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away. Karen karen Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [playing conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing. Michael michael That's good. [Michael continues to play conch shell] Pam pam You know, I had never been out of the country before now? Michael michael Huh. Pam pam Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time. Michael michael It's kind of an impoverished country. Pam pam Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three. Michael michael But you can't today, we're doing inventory. Pam pam Inventory's at the end of December. Michael michael We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed. Pam pam I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it. Michael michael Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans? Michael michael Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it. Michael michael By the end of the day? That's impossible. Angela angela The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible." Michael michael Yep, it's English, it's "impossible." Jim jim Michael, there's no way we can do it in time. Angela angela How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need. Michael michael Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem. Michael michael Oh my God. Is that Jan? [points to same monitor] Pam pam What? Where? Everybody everybody On the left. Pam pam Oh yeah, oh my God. Everybody everybody No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue. Michael michael Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan. Michael michael [on phone] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica. Michael michael Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked. Todd Packer todd-packer Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay. Michael michael You took the ice queen? I don't buy it. Todd Packer todd-packer Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim. Michael michael They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim. Todd Packer todd-packer Oh no? Michael michael No. Todd Packer todd-packer OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it? Michael michael Well, no. I got nothing. Todd Packer todd-packer Check it again. Hit refresh. Michael michael Yeah, Mike, still nothing. Todd Packer todd-packer OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... [reading computer screen] [email protected] Packaging@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh. Michael michael Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture? Todd Packer todd-packer Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl? Michael michael He's in the office. Roy roy OK, Hey, man, how's it going? Michael michael All right, what's up Mike? Darryl darryl That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me? Michael michael Yup. Darryl darryl OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not "packaging." Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people? Michael michael Uh huh. Darryl darryl OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it. Michael michael Yup. Darryl darryl And you sent that out to everyone? Michael michael Mike, I'm very busy down here. [eats chicken] Darryl darryl Yikes. Jim jim Already sent it to you my friend. Kevin kevin Fantastic. Jim jim Boring. Call me if she rolls over. Andy andy Hey. Pam pam Hey. Jim jim You OK? Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim You sure? Pam pam Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen. Jim jim Oh. You want to talk about it? Pam pam Really? Jim jim I have a special assignment for you. Michael michael Who's the target? Dwight dwight A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is "Jamaican Jan Sun Princess." Michael michael What's it of? Dwight dwight Not important. Michael michael Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment. Dwight dwight OK, forget it. Michael michael OK, I accept it. Dwight dwight So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much. Jim jim Hmm. Pam pam Hmm, what? Jim jim How far away does she live now, like ten minutes? Pam pam Yeah, I guess. Jim jim Honestly, I think you should go easy on her. Pam pam No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah. Pam pam Hey, thanks a lot. Jim jim Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan! Pam pam Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? [both start laughing] Jim jim Hey I need to talk to you right now. Toby toby Not now, not ever. Michael michael About you and Jan. Toby toby Aww, none of your business. Michael michael Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship. Toby toby That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops. Michael michael Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now. Toby toby This is probably the icebreaker you need. Michael michael You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR. Toby toby I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv. Michael michael All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it. Toby toby No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo? Michael michael All right, thanks Michael. Toby toby OK. Michael michael OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping. Angela angela What are the ingredients of poi? Karen karen I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs. Phyllis phyllis Did you try the petting zoo? Angela angela [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you. Pam pam Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat. Michael michael He'll call you back. OK, great. Pam pam She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK. Michael michael [to Jim and Ryan] Michael hit a deer? Dwight dwight Michael! Michael! [pokes head through blinds in Michael's office] There's an emergency in the warehouse. Dwight dwight There an accident? Somebody hurt? Michael michael No, it's... involves the photograph. Dwight dwight Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no. Michael michael [starts clapping] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done. Roy roy All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael] Michael michael That corporate booty, he likes to hit it! Roy roy Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman-- Michael michael Jan. Kevin kevin No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe... Michael michael Urkel Grue. Jim jim My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right? Michael michael Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [plays conch shell] Michael michael Hey. Pam pam Hey. Michael michael What are you doing out here? Pam pam Island living. You know? Michael michael Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you. Pam pam Did she say what it's about? Michael michael That's all she said. Pam pam Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot [playing conch shell] Andy andy Uh, I think you dropped this [hands over piece of paper] Jim jim You sure? Karen karen Definitely. Jim jim I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that [referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall] be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom. Dwight dwight There are copies in the bathroom? Michael michael There were. A lot of them. Dwight dwight All right. Michael michael I think I owe you one. Karen karen Sorry? Pam pam For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing. Karen karen Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous. Pam pam Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously. Karen karen Sure. Pam pam Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up [holds up an iPod inside speakers] You see that? This is the greatest night of my life. Darryl darryl Who did this to you? [refers to Pam crying] Where is he? Dwight dwight What? No, it's not... it's nothing. Pam pam [takes off coat to tie around waist] It's hot in here. Dwight dwight Yeah. Pam pam Yeah. Dwight dwight [Dwight hands out handkerchief] Thanks. You don't need to stay here. Pam pam I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh? Dwight dwight Hello everyone. Hello Michael. Jan jan Guh. Michael michael Hi Jan, you look... tan. Kevin kevin I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister. Jan jan Yeah. How was it? Kevin kevin Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office. Jan jan OK, yup. Michael michael Why am I here, Michael? Jan jan I... Michael michael In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me? Jan jan I... I... Yes. Michael michael I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself. Jan jan OK, yeah. Michael michael This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks. Jan jan Who is Dr. Perry? I... Michael michael This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you. Jan jan And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well. Michael michael Good, good. Jan jan So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh... Michael michael Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time... Jan jan Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately] Michael michael Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo. Jan jan Jan, you... complete... me. Michael michael Oh, God. Jan jan Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico? Roy roy Yeah. Pam pam I was definitely right. [both laugh] Oh, brother. Roy roy What am I going to do? [Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael] I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. [smirks] Kevin kevin I just had the best, most romantic week of my life in Sandals, Jamaica. Went with a lady, and we laid on the beach and drank fruity drinks for free, because it was all-inclusive. And then I flew back to Scranton, and then they lost one of my bags. Michael michael Hey, Mister tally man, tally me banana, six hand, seven hand, eight hand, BRUNCH! [snickers] So delicious. Dinner, too. And every morning I would watch the sunrise and I would eat a mango. That is how I want to feel all the time. It's called island living. You know, how they say take a chill pill? In Jamaica, I took one. Guy on the beach sold it to me for $40. And after I finished vomiting, I was more relaxed than I ever have been. Lost six pounds, too. That's how I want every day to be. Michael michael Michael sends me a postcard from every vacation he goes on. Atlantic City, he wishes I was here. Busch Gardens, Virginia, all I got was this lousy postcard. And this time, I'm Jamaican-him-crazy. I don't know how far away he thought he was, because he put $10 worth of stamps on this. Pam pam Hello, you're back. Dwight dwight Yeah, mon. Me just got back to the office. Michael michael While you were gone... Dwight dwight Me had an i-rey time. Michael michael While you were gone, Jim glued my desk drawers together. He changed my voicemail so that my voice sounded like a chipmunk. He told me that we had a meeting at 4:00 AM, and I was the only one who showed up. Dwight dwight Dwight, please, please. Michael michael He turned over my... Dwight dwight I just got back from vacation, mon, all right? So chill. Let's don't... Don't harsh my mellow, mon. Michael michael I took a vacation once. Never again. While I was away, Jim had my desk shipped to me in Roswell. Dwight dwight Presents. I got presents for everybody. Dwight, a genuine Rastafarian wig. Michael michael Unbelievable. Dwight dwight Andy, I got you a genuine Jamaican T-shirt. They love Milli Vanilli down there. Michael michael I give thanks, mon. Andy andy You are so welcome, mon. Angela, you just got leied. [puts lei on Angela] Michael michael No, I didn't. Angela angela Yes, you did. Okay. Oh, Pam, I forgot to get you something. Michael michael That's okay. Pam pam I'm just kidding. Coconuts for your coconuts! Michael michael No. Pam pam [laughs] Try it on. Michael michael No. Pam pam Go ahead. Let me know if I miscalculated the size. I don't think I did. Michael michael Thank you. Pam pam Stanley, I got you some ganja. I'm just kidding. It's coffee. I bet you wish it was ganja. Michael michael I just got back from vacay. Come on. Give me a break, man. [holds up CD] Waves over Jamaica, $6.99. Michael michael Did he actually give you some ganja? Creed creed No. Stanley stanley You want some? Creed creed Okay, let me tell you a little story. When I was on vacation, I met a man named Bavon. And Bavon takes people parasailing. And you know what he said to me? He said that he loves going to work every day. How many of you can say that you love going to work every day like Bavon? [Dwight and Andy raises hand] No one. Michael michael But, Michael, Buvon gets to go parasailing every day, and that's fun. Kevin kevin His name is Bavon. And you know what? I'm sure Bavon gets sick of his job, too. I'm sure he would like to take a day off. I'm sure he would like to spend a vacation selling paper, but he has the right attitude. And that is something that you learn when you go to Jamaica, and you really apply yourself. Michael michael I would love to take them all to Jamaica, but is that good management? Yes. But is it the best management? Well, I can't afford it, and corporate won't pay for it. So who's the real criminal? Michael michael How many of you know the meaning of the Jamaican term, Hakuna Matata? Michael michael [raises hand] Are you stoned? Jim jim I... Michael michael In the picture, are you high? Jim jim Oh, that's red eye. Michael michael Is that not what happens when you're high? Jim jim You look like you have the munchies. Kevin kevin Well... Michael michael I have the munchies. I'm gonna get some of those chocolate wafers. Kelly kelly Hey, can we just focus? Michael michael Michael and Jan together in Jamaica. I guess I would just need a little bit more evidence than seeing it with my own eyes. Pam pam I don't know if Michael and Jan really went to Jamaica, because Michael's way into Photoshop. For example, I never went with him to Egypt. [holds up picture with Michael and himself in Egypt] Ryan ryan Where did you save the list of exchanges? Phyllis phyllis I will gladly give you that information when my bonus comes through. Stanley stanley But I won't be able to do inventory without it. Phyllis phyllis Then you won't be able to do inventory. Stanley stanley Yeah, I really like Stanley, but I'm not always sure if he likes me. I guess that's okay, 'cause I don't really like him. Phyllis phyllis Come on. Come on. Dwight dwight Okay. Well, Jan's email password is not Dunder Mifflin, Sandals, Jamaica, Michael, Michael Scott, Jan Scott, or Mrs. Jan Scott. Michael michael Try Dwight. Dwight dwight Her passwords aren't going to be Dwight, Dwight. That's stupid. Okay. Michael michael Don't you have some sort of chaser or gobbler thing that you can send out that's able to eat up that other emails? I read about something like that. Well, I am in America and I am online, so I do think it involves you. Uh-huh. And if I were a subscriber, would then you be able to send out the gobbler? I'd... Yes, I will hold. Michael michael So your trip to Scottsdale was good? Someone someone Oh yeah, Arizona's beautiful. Yeah. It's great to... great to see my sister. Jan jan Burnt. Someone someone Oh, yeah, I know. I don't... I don't normally lay out in the sun a lot, but, you know, when it's Scottsdale... I was visiting my sister and... Jan jan When a woman gets older, she'll go just about anywhere with just about anyone. I've done some things I'm not so proud of, but I've seen the world. Meredith meredith Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can't just whore it out. Angela angela I should be turned on. But, last year, remember, I had that skin cancer scare, and so now all I can think is that I hope she was wearing sunscreen. God, I would love to rub some on her. Kevin kevin The worst part about the Internet, when a secret is out, everyone knows. The best part about the Internet, that video of the dancing Indian midget, crossbow.org, massively multiplayer online gaming, i.e. Everquest. I also enjoy online banking. Dwight dwight Okay. So I went on the Internet, and she is not gonna find another apartment for that price. I mean this one is twice as much, and it doesn't have parking. Does she like to park? Pam pam Oh, loves it. Jim jim Okay. This one is the same price but it's got... Pam pam Green walls. Jim jim I think that's mold. Pam pam Ooh... fancy. Jim jim Spiderman, Peter Parker, would not reveal his love for Mary Jane for fear that she might be captured and harmed by the Green Goblin. Now, if Michael had studied the Spidey principles that I'd drawn up for him, Jan's boobs might not be all over the Internet. [Dwight pretends to shoot out webs from his palms] Dwight dwight Attention everyone! May I have your attention, please? Listen up. If we all work really hard and focus, we should be out of here in seven hours. Now, somewhere in these stacks, I have hidden a deck of cards. That should motivate you to keep your eyes open. If you find the deck of cards, you can redeem it with me in exchange for a free soft drink. [Jim shuffles the deck of cards] Get back... Back to work! Dwight dwight Yes, it is The Island Luau Inventory '07. It's actually a success compared to Disco Audit '05. Pam pam What's the problem? Roy roy We have seven fewer boxes of Canariola copier paper in stock than we're supposed to. Ryan ryan Let me see this. [scans one box seven times] Looks good to me. Roy roy I wouldn't have come, but I know Jan is showing up soon. I don't wanna miss the show. Stanley stanley [Kelly singing] Hey! Hey! Stop your mouth, please. Michael michael Eighty-six. Eighty-seven. [singing] Eighty-eight. Eighty-nine. Kelly kelly Hey Dwight, I bet I can stack faster than you can. Andy andy Please, I can double your pace. Dwight dwight Oh, yeah? Prove it, champ. You ready? Andy andy Let's go. Dwight dwight One, two, three, go! Andy andy [Dwight and Andy stacking boxes rapidly] Nice. Jim jim Get out of my way, Jim! Andy andy Jim, move! Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim Okay. Dwight dwight Dang it. Andy andy Two at a time! Dwight dwight Those aren't straight. Totally crooked. Totally crooked. You're disqualified. Andy andy [to herself] Be careful. [yells as boxes fall on her] Hello? I'm stuck! Meredith meredith Hey, Stanley, in case I don't see you again after tonight, here is your bonus, $1,000 cash. Keep the change. [hands Stanley a piece of Jamaican currency] Michael michael There is a butterfly on this. Why? Stanley stanley It is Jamaican. The exchange rate is 65-to-1. I don't remember in which direction. Michael michael So it's either worth $15 bucks or $65,000. Stanley stanley Yes, good luck with that. Michael michael You know, I actually lived in Honolulu for a year. Toby toby Oh, so you've been to a real luau. Kevin kevin Yeah. Toby toby Yeah. Kevin kevin I tried. We didn't have time. Angela angela You're a box short on the black, medium-line ballpoints. Dwight dwight I don't know what to tell you. Creed creed One year, I had a close acquaintance of mine back a truck in here and clean out this whole place. That was a very good year. I think they blamed it on some kid. Creed creed