So, uh... you found a band for your wedding yet? Kevin kevin No. Pam pam 'Cause I'm in a band. We really rock. Kevin kevin Yeah, I mean it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out. Jim jim Oh I got the 'Save The Date'. Phyllis phyllis Yeah? Pam pam Yeah, pretty stationery. Phyllis phyllis Oh, thanks! Pam pam I didn't get mine yet. Angela angela Uh... Pam pam There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy. Pam pam Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent. Michael michael Uh, on or off? Phyllis phyllis Off. I.D. Photographer id-photographer Okay... [removes glasses] Phyllis phyllis Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise? Dwight dwight [leaving the room] Excuse me. Phyllis phyllis Clown paint. Dwight dwight I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? Dwight dwight That's a nice tie. Michael michael Thank you. Ryan ryan That is... who makes that? Michael michael Um, I don't... Ryan ryan Do you mind if I wear that for the photo? Michael michael Um... let's um, let's keep our clothes. Ryan ryan It's like child abuse. I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean on some levels... it's... and I'm supposed to work there. I'm supposed... Oscar oscar [walking into the Conference room] What's the dealio? Michael michael Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer's back there today. Toby toby What's the problem? Michael michael Angela! Oscar oscar It's just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace. Toby toby Since Christmas. Oscar oscar So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating? Michael michael No. Oscar oscar Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please? Toby toby Yes. Michael michael Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen. Toby toby Yeah? Michael michael These things just have a way of working themselves out. Toby toby Okay. Michael michael It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it. Toby toby What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So... Michael michael Okay. Toby toby Okay... what? Michael michael That was the right decision for me and my marriage. Toby toby Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. [leans over to Pam] Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please? Michael michael [holding up a binder] A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.[in a comedic voice] My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style. Michael michael Can we go? I have a lot of work to do. Angela angela No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose. Michael michael What's the next one? Oscar oscar Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation? Michael michael Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever? Angela angela Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work. Michael michael [in front of poster] Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using "I" emotion language and no judging or "you" statements. Michael michael I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor. Angela angela Come on, seriously, that? Michael michael I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I'm talking about the... Oscar oscar Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win. Michael michael Win! Pam pam Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win. Michael michael No. Oscar oscar That's... no... Angela angela Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution. Michael michael How about, I leave it up? Angela angela How 'bout, she takes it down? Oscar oscar How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Pam pam Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win. Michael michael Win. Pam pam Fine. Oscar oscar But, it... Angela angela [claps his hands twice] It is done! Michael michael Win Pam pam [snaps a photo of Creed, then Creed turns to the side for a profile shot] No, you're all good. Photographer photographer Great. [gets up and leaves] Creed creed Hey, Angela.[hands her a Save The Date card] I didn't have your zip code. Pam pam Oh. Thanks. Angela angela It was hand delivered. But, I did get a Save The Date after all. It's not my taste. Angela angela You solved it? Toby toby Yes. Michael michael Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. [shuffles through papers] Toby toby Are those all the other complains? Michael michael Mmm-Hm. Toby toby I would like to see those please. Michael michael I... I can't do that. Toby toby You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file. Michael michael That... [shakes head and places hand over the file] Toby toby Okay. [yanks the file away, despite Toby's resistance] There! No more conflict. [looks at the camera] I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. [looks back at Toby] All right... is that it? Michael michael [sighs and pulls out a box under his desk] It's all Dwight's. Toby toby Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York. Toby toby Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything? Michael michael Are you sure? [looks at Oscar, who is front of the camera, holding the baby poster in front of his chest] Photographer photographer Oh, he's sure. Just shoot. Dwight dwight [shoots twice] Photographer photographer [looking through papers in the complaint box] This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist. Michael michael Nice. Pam pam You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me. Michael michael Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This [unlocks a drawer]is January through March of this year. [pulls out a fairly large folder] Toby toby How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? [looks at all the employees, most of whom raise their hands] And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? [employees mumble "merely listen to and forgotten..." ] That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... [sighs] Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute? Michael michael You already did me. Angela angela That's what she said. [Jim mouths these words along with Michael] The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does "redacted" mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked "redacted"... ? Michael michael Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off. Toby toby Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago. Michael michael Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago? Dwight dwight [notices Angela's intense concern] Um... let's move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me? Pam pam All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And [looks through the file]... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next. Michael michael Wait, what did it say? Pam pam Uh... [reading]"Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?" [Pam looks Angela an angry look] Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right? Michael michael I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I've been really nice to her... and I haven't told anyone. And what the hell?! Pam pam Here is a Kelly complaint: "Ryan never returns my calls." Ugh, join the club. Michael michael My voicemail's really spotty... sometimes... Ryan ryan I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking. Kelly kelly To your HR representative. Toby toby To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn. Kelly kelly Fine, I'll take your name off. [looks at Michael] So no one will know. Toby toby [crumbles up the complaint paper] Makin' progress. [Jim raises his hand] Yes? Michael michael Dwight tried to kiss me. Jim jim What?! Michael michael And I didn't tell anyone because I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Jim jim That is not true. Redact it. Redact it! Dwight dwight Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it. Jim jim Okay, question. [looks at Toby] When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York? Dwight dwight Sure. Toby toby Stanley. [off camera] Michael michael [gets up and walks over to Angela, whispering to her] Hey. Thanks for ratting me out! Pam pam [still of camera] You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it. Michael michael I didn't do it! [Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera, but it's inaudible] Angela angela I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe. Pam pam Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only". Stanley, you know that's not true. Michael michael I didn't say that. Stanley stanley Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? [Michael, along with the camera, look at the standard stick man on the bathroom door.] Creed creed Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee. Michael michael No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close. Phyllis phyllis And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him. Michael michael Stanley and I are close, too. Phyllis phyllis We sit close. Stanley stanley Oh... ok. Michael michael [sits down for his ID picture] Just take it. [flashes goes off, while he is standing back up again] Toby toby I can't believe Angela. I went against my better judgment, and I gave her a Save The Date. And now it turns out she complained about me to Toby. Pam pam Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she's just trying to be friends. Jim jim Don't take her side. Pam pam [sighs] Well, what does Roy think about everything? Jim jim I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff. Pam pam You mean your thoughts and feelings? Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Yeah... Jim jim I know you keep saying it's your space, even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting. Phyllis phyllis Yes, that's the problem. Angela angela I guess so... Phyllis phyllis Okay, well... all settled, then. Michael michael [whispering to Angela] I don't like you. Phyllis phyllis OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell? Michael michael I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death. Creed creed All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable. Michael michael I accept your decision! Kevin kevin Hey... you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo I.D. taken together. Jim jim That doesn't make any sense. Dwight dwight Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect. Jim jim [to Dwight, who is sitting in front of the camera] Smile. Photographer photographer No. Dwight dwight I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. Dwight dwight This came out really well. [picks up Dwight's I.D. from the laminating machine and hands it to Dwight] There you go. Jim jim This is humongous. I am not a security threat... Dwight dwight Oh. Jim jim And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'. Dwight dwight What did I write? Jim jim I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file. Dwight dwight Talk to Michael. I gave him the box. Toby toby What box?! Dwight dwight But I didn't report your snoring- Phyllis phyllis Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays... [Dwight walks in and rummages through his complaint box] Stanley stanley Uh. Dwight. Michael michael Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand. Dwight dwight Okay! Calm down. Michael michael No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on? Dwight dwight Hey, hey! Michael michael Him or me? Dwight dwight Stop. Michael michael Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore. Dwight dwight Okay... Michael michael Either he goes, or I go. Dwight dwight Dwight... Michael michael You choose! Dwight dwight Stop... Michael michael One of us is out of here by the end of today! [runs out] Dwight dwight Oh... kay... Michael michael I am not bluffing! Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael Okay? Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years. Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. Michael michael I deserve this. You know I do! Dwight dwight [picks up Dwight's I.D. and snickers] You know your I.D. says you're a security threat? Michael michael You have till five. Dwight dwight Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Dwight dwight Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match! Michael michael Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage. Michael michael Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." [flips to another paper] "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to." Michael michael [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it. Jim jim [reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone." Michael michael That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out. Jim jim [reading] "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'." Michael michael Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though. Jim jim "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier." Michael michael Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day. Jim jim The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful. Michael michael Maybe Stanford would be cool. Jim jim It's a good market. Higher volume. Dwight dwight Yeah. Maybe we should both go. Jim jim I have a girlfriend... Dwight dwight Sure you do, Dwight. Sure. Jim jim Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later. Michael michael So, you going to transfer Jim or not? Dwight dwight Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work. Michael michael I want an answer by tomorrow. Dwight dwight Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week? Michael michael Fine. Dwight dwight Good. Okay. Michael michael Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here? Michael michael I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos. Photographer photographer Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right? Michael michael You mean digital? Photographer photographer It'll take like two seconds. Michael michael 20 bucks. Photographer photographer Ugh... All right. Everybody, [looks around at the employees] come on. Group photo for the newsletter. Michael michael You gotta be kiddin' me. Stanley stanley Come on, everybody. Michael michael Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go. Dwight dwight One, two, three... smile. [camera flashes, but no one smiles] Try to smile. Photographer photographer We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts. Michael michael Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three. [camera flashes] Photographer photographer Good, let's check that out. [looks at preview screen] Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more. Michael michael That'll be another 20. Photographer photographer What? Michael michael Angela, I want to talk to you about something. Pam pam [off camera] You just press the button. Michael michael What? Angela angela No, Pam. Jim jim [looks at to Jim] I am. [looks at Angela] It's about the Save The Date. Pam pam Pam, it wasn't her. Jim jim What?! Pam pam I'm the one who complained about you. Jim jim I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. [the camera flashes] I was just venting. Jim jim [off camera] Okay, good. Check that out. Michael michael You know, it was one day. Jim jim [off camera] That's terrible. Michael michael And I took it right back. It was like... Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Oh, dear. Phyllis phyllis [off camera] Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. [rejoins the group, on camera] Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. [flash goes off before he sits down] Michael michael It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up. Michael michael [flashback the photo being taken] One, two..[flash goes off] Didn't say three, did I? Michael michael But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems. Michael michael [on Pam's answering machine] Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye. [camera shows Jim sitting on a waiting coach in another Dunder Mifflin office] Jim jim Okay, Jan will see you now. Female Worker female-worker Oh, thanks. Jim jim And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand. Michael michael [elevator bell dings] What is this? What happened here? Dwight dwight I don't know. Jim jim Oh, this does not look good. Did anyone see what happened around my desk area this morning? Dwight dwight Dwight, I really think someone's probably just playing a prank on you, so just go right through it. Jim jim A prank, huh? This is official police line tape, okay? It's not a prank. Dwight dwight Probably is. Jim jim Damn it, people! Someone must have seen something! [Jim's cell phone beeping] Oh, you people are useless. Jesus. Dwight dwight [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hold, please. Dwight, it's the Sheriff. He said that it's really important. It's regarding your desk. I'll transfer. Pam pam Oh, no, no, don't! I can't... [groans] [telephone ringing] Dwight dwight Just cut through it, man, it's no big deal. Jim jim This is why I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and you're not. Dwight dwight That is not why. Wow, man, he really wants to get in touch with you. Maybe it's a murder. Jim jim No, there's no blood. Dwight dwight Maybe poison? Jim jim Possibly. Dwight dwight My God! Jim jim [exclaiming in fear] No, Jim, no! [Jim knocks Dwight's phone off its cradle] [yelling toward the phone] Sheriff, this is Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy Dwight Schrute. Press the pound key! What's your 20? Dwight dwight Nothing much is happening today. We are having our photo IDs taken. Whoop-de-doo. Can't always be like The Apprentice. Michael michael I know. Ryan ryan On Big Brother, something important happens every day. But real life is not like that. Michael michael [Dwight slurping] Okay, here we go. One, two... Photographer photographer He sometimes wears glasses, write that down. Also, that may not be his real hair. Dwight dwight I hate it when people don't tell each other why they're angry. My dad was like that. I would say, "What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad?" Over and over and over. And he would just look at me like I was an idiot. Michael michael I'm the one who petitioned the office board to have these ID badges taken. Dwight dwight So there were no death threats? Photographer photographer Let me see your ID. Dwight dwight There is this old story about two women who each think they are the mother of this baby. And they can't decide, so they bring the baby to a wise man. Just like a manager in those days. And the wise man says, "I will adopt this baby and raise it as a Hindu." See? They didn't expect that. And that fixed it. Because I think he was the dad anyway. Michael michael There are dozens of old complaints in here. Cold cases, like the show. [imitating gonging] And Toby is a lazy detective who has decided that these armed robberies and rapes and murder/suicides are not important enough to solve. Well, you know what? I have a problem with that. And I'm going to open up these cases before Toby can kill or rape another person. Michael michael All right. Photographer photographer That's not bad. Hey, do you do weddings? Pam pam Would you seriously want your wedding photos to look like that? Photographer photographer Not bad. Jim jim I gave her a higher clearance than you. Dwight dwight What does Level Red mean? Jim jim I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. [laughing maniacally] Dwight dwight Wait. [puts eye drops in] [Photographer takes the shot and her eyes are closed] Meredith meredith No, wait. [put on a hat] Yeah. Kevin kevin You must have misdialed. This is Phyllis. No, I'm not sure what his extension is. [glares at Stanley as he glares right back] Phyllis phyllis Wow! I never thought Dwight would go postal. It's always the person you least expect and I always thought Dwight would go postal. Michael michael Come on, Dwight, I think it's actually healthy to get it off your chest. Phyllis phyllis I'm done talking. I am a Schrute. We don't back down. Dwight dwight You're arrogant and pompous, and I don't like you. Phyllis phyllis "Cage Match"? I don't know if it was in the packet from corporate, because I barely read any of it. So if you're asking if I stole their idea, the answer is no. Michael michael Excuse me, sir! Dwight Schrute, is that your real name? Hank the Security Guard hank-the-security-guard Yes, sir. Dwight dwight Morning. Kevin kevin Good morning. Okay, go ahead. Hank the Security Guard hank-the-security-guard Thank you. [elevator door closes] No, come on... God! Dwight dwight