[drives up to the entrance of the building, his license plate reads "NEW MGR"] It's a beautiful morning at Dunder-Mifflin, or as I like to call it, Great Bratton. [gets out of car, tosses his keys toward a nonexistent valet parker] Keep it running. Creed creed Do I love being manager?... I love my kids. I love real estate. [slowly getting more excited] I love ceramics. I love my job. I-I love wrestling. Creed creed [to Jordan] Find out what language this is. [speaking in strange language] Creed creed [running a meeting in the conference room] Okay, team building! On this side of the room, Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy, [camera switches to show only Meredith and Kevin have attended the meeting, Jim walks by and sees this] and this side of the room, Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed... Creed creed He never called a meeting. Jim jim [pointing at a whiteboard with BOBODDY written on the left side, vertically] BO-BODDY! BO-BODDY. What does the first "B" stand for? Creed creed What are we doing? Pam pam We're making acronyms. Okay! What does the first "B" stand for? Creed creed Um... Business! Kevin kevin I like it! Business! Good, Kevin! [writes after the first B, I, Z, N, U...] All right! The "O"... Creed creed We need a new manager. Pam pam [conducting interview] Your paper experience is very interesting. Do you think you could use that experience to inform decisions here? Jim jim Absolutely-I, yes. In fact, I actually have a three-step plan that I believe could effectively double your profits. Fred fred Really? Jim jim Yeah. Fred fred [waiting for Fred to continue] ...What is it? Jim jim Nice try. Fred fred I'm sorry, what is your three-step plan? Toby toby Well, I mean, I can't just hand you my plan. I mean, if you guys give me the job, then, then you'll get the plan. Fred fred Well... it's an interview, and we don't know that you really have the plan. Gabe gabe [speaking faster] Well, I'm not gonna just make up that I have a plan. I got a plan. Believe me, you guys want it. You're in paper, right? Fred fred How would we know that, if you don't... Gabe gabe You could just be saying it to get the job. Jim jim I guess I could be, if I was... who would do that? Fred fred How about this. Why don't you give us a part of the plan, and that way we know you have it. Jim jim Tell you what. I'll give you part three of part two. Not gonna give you a whole part. Fred fred Okay. Jim jim Color-code sent documents, TM. Fred fred Did you just trademark that... Jim jim [confused] W-What? Toby toby That's a verbal trademark. That's an agreement. Fred fred We are the Search Committee, hand-picked by our CEO, and tasked to find this branch's new manager. Not everyone we meet will be good, but someone's bound to be, right? [Andy, Kelly, and Darryl are each dressed up in suits for their interviews, Andy is also wearing an "Andy for Manager?" pin on his jacket] And, to be honest, I think a lot of the decent candidates are right here in-house, so, I'm not too worried. But I'm really excited to spend a lot of time with Toby and Gabe. [quietly] Did you know that Gabe's last name was Lewis? I had no idea. Jim jim [in elevator with Phyllis and Darryl, all three are smiling, to Darryl] Good morning. Stanley stanley Good morning. Darryl darryl [also to Darryl] Good morning. Phyllis phyllis Good morning. Darryl darryl Did you have a nice drive in? Phyllis phyllis I did. Darryl darryl I have a solid relationship with Jo, the company's owner. I have management experience. I have a good friendship with Jim, the head of the Search Committee, and it doesn't hurt that I'm... [in Oprah-like sing-song voice] bla-aaack! Darryl darryl [puts up a poster in the break room with "IF YOU ARE ON THE SEARCH COMMITTEE PLEASE CONSIDER ANDY" on it in bold lettering] Andy andy [commenting on the poster] It's good. I really hope you get it! Erin erin The manager job? Nah, I'm barely interested. I just can't not go for it. You know, it's not the Bernard way. We give it the old college try, and then, in defeat, we show grace. Andy andy Still, I'd really like to see this office with you in the boss's chair. Erin erin Don't even... [getting really happy and excited] EEEHHHH!!!! Andy andy You in the boss's chair! Erin erin EEEHHH!! No. Hehe. Andy andy In my family, you don't really go out and get things. If you want something, you write it on a list, and then the housekeeper goes out and gets it, on Wednesdays and Fridays. So, I don't know, I guess you could say this job is on my list, and... [awkwardly smiling] we'll see what Rosa comes back with. Andy andy [checks to see that she is alone with Phyllis] Did you hear anything? Erin erin Oh, I'm sure they'll let us know when they get the results. [Erin crosses fingers and smiles excitedly] Phyllis phyllis It turns out that Erin was born in the basic time and region that I gave away a child. Phyllis phyllis So, Phyllis might be my mom. I mean, the chances are tiny, but... Erin erin But, probably not, I mean, it was a big year for babies. Porky's had come out. Phyllis phyllis Yeah. I'm sure I was just another Porky's baby. Erin erin Mm. Phyllis phyllis But why not find out. Erin erin Yeah. Phyllis phyllis [to Dwight, who is reading the want ads] Should you really be so blatant about that? Pam pam They won't make me manager, and I won't settle for anything less. I've gone about as far as I can here. That's obvious. Time to take my talents elsewhere. Dwight dwight Are you really going to apply for work at Scranton Breadworks? Pam pam Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it. Dwight dwight Can you do any better on salary? Warren warren Unfortunately, that range is set at corporate. Jim jim What about mileage when I use my car? I mean, gas ain't cheap, you know. Warren warren Heh. We think that 25 cents a mile is pretty generous. Jim jim How about 27? And uh, when I make long-distance calls, will they be monitored or is it on the honor system? Warren warren [on phone] Okay. [hangs up, smiling] How odd, a very unusual phone call from the Senator's office. The Senator wants me to have lunch with him at The Botanical Gardens. Angela angela The Botanical Gardens, Scranton's hidden gem. Don't eat any berries you don't recognize. Kevin kevin How will your experience selling refinery equipment translate to our smaller scale here? Toby toby You don't work in sales, do you. Robert robert Uh... Human Resources. Toby toby You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now, does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep-sea drilling equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only... sex. Everything... is sex. You understand that what I'm telling you is a universal truth,... Toby. Robert robert Yes. Toby toby Okay, I-I am, I'm almost a little concerned that you might be overqualified for the position. [Robert and Gabe chuckle at this, then Gabe stops chuckling] Do you, um, do you think that you are? Gabe gabe Do I look like someone who would waste my own time? Robert robert No. [Robert then nods his head at Jim] Gabe gabe Can you... [seems intimidated, clears throat] You are a man of great confidence. Could you speak a little more to that, and, what the role of confidence... would be... in a dialogue with a subordinate? Jim jim Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now, Jim? Do you have a voice, right now? You can answer me. Robert robert Yes. Jim jim That was your choice, not mine. The fallacy is that it is up to the steamroller. It is up to the object... whether it will be flattened or not, and I can tell from the small interaction we've had already, you won't be flattened by anybody. Do you agree with me, Jim? Robert robert Yes. Jim jim [more emphatically than Jim] Yes. You do. [nods at the Search Committee, then looks over at the camera with a smirk on his face] Robert robert [Robert leaves the conference room and looks at the others in the office as he grins at the camera and leaves] He creeps me out. [Toby nods] But, I think he might be a genius. Jim jim [Jim points at Darryl to be the next interviewee] Good luck, Darryl. Andy andy [pats Andy on the back] Thank you. Darryl darryl Think about it! What other mammal, besides humans, drinks the milk of another mammal? I mean, you don't see a bear drinking raccoon milk. Darryl darryl [Jim and Gabe laugh, Toby smiles and nods] Oh. Jim jim So this is cool. I think we make a good fit. [stands up] Darryl darryl Oh? Uh... we haven't started the interview yet. Were you-were you joking? Gabe gabe Uh... [looks at camera] yes?! I was. [sits back down] Little joke! Darryl darryl So, how would you go about settling interpersonal conflicts within the office? Toby toby I thought that was your job. Darryl darryl Well, it's one of my strengths, but it's the manager's job. Toby toby Well, for instance, how did you deal with it when two warehouse guys got into a fight? Jim jim I'll answer that, Jim. I would use it as an opportunity to teach, uh, about actions... and consequences... of actions. [Jim and Gabe stare at Darryl] Darryl darryl [noticing Erin in the background leading a black man dressed in a suit through the office] Who's that? Darryl darryl [ignoring Darryl's question] So I think all we need is a resume, and we'll be good right? Jim jim I... I just thought you knew me. Darryl darryl Yeah, it's no big deal, just something that looks like that. [shows Darryl a resume] Cool? [goes to put the resume away] Jim jim Let me... [Jim shows him the resume again, Darryl looks at it a little longer this time] Oh. Cool. [Jim gives Darryl a thumbs-up, then looks at the camera as Darryl gets up to leave] Darryl darryl [at the cafe on the first floor] Did, uh, you just interview? Merv merv Ohh, unfortunately, yes. Robert robert What do you mean? Merv merv That business can't attract anyone. It's awful up there. Those people seem like they're in prison, waiting out life sentences in a... dying industry. Robert robert Place must be horrible. I don't know if I want this job. [gets on elevator] Merv merv [in elevator] Well, if I get this job offer, and then I know that I'm gonna take it, and if I take it, I know that I'm never gonna quit, and then 25 years are gonna go by and... I'm gonna die here. Merv merv What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview? [Robert stares at Dwight] What are you doing..? [Dwight sits up abruptly] Stop trying to figure me out. Dwight dwight I just did. Robert robert You can't. Dwight dwight It's done. Robert robert No, it's not. Dwight dwight I know you now, your nature. I'm done. Not worth continuing. [at the same time, Dwight says: Robert robert I'm gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work with their weak, passionless leadership. Do you see my hat? No? That's because I just threw it in the ring. Dwight dwight You guys pay for relocation, though, right? Merv merv Well, why would you need relocation, if you already live in Scranton? Toby toby Well, I'd want to move further away, you know? Just... I don't want any chance to run into my co-workers outside the office. Merv merv Can I ask why you're leaving your current job? Jim jim [pulls out a tupperware from his briefcase and takes out a tupperware] I'm leaving my other job because they were all jerks, really. [opens tupperware] You know, all of 'em. You had your jerk-wads, and your jerk-offs, so, just between the wads and the offs, I just... I had to get outta there. [begins eating sandwich] Merv merv Is this a bad time to be doing this? Jim jim I'm having a bad time. [chuckles] Merv merv I'm sorry, if we did something to upset you, I'm sure it was inadvertent. Toby toby [continues to chew, slower and slower, appears confused] Wait. Merv merv Oh, why did I believe that weirdo in the lobby? These are the nicest people I ever met. Merv merv [limo driver lets Angela out of the limo at the office parking lot] Thank you. Angela angela [looking at an engagement ring on Angela's finger] It's gorgeous, Angela. Pam pam Yeah, I actually know about nice rings and it is gorgeous. Kelly kelly [looks at ring, whispering] Wow... Meredith meredith It's a little flashy. I mean, what am I? Naomi Judd? Angela angela Tell us the freaking story! Meredith meredith Yeah! Tell us a story. Kevin kevin Okay. He took me to the replica of Monet's Japanese bridge, and then he put this flower behind my ear, which normally, I would hate, 'cause it's so civil rightsy. Then he got down on one knee, and he said, will you be a Senator's wife? Angela angela [laughing] Oh-ho-ho! He talked about himself in the third person? Pam pam Yes, Pam. Not everyone is as informal as you and Jim. [imitating Jim's voice] Oh, hey Pam, dude, whatever, wanna marry me? [Erin, Kelly, and Meredith laugh] Angela angela That's not accurate. Pam pam Then I saw flashes. Reporters were there. They always find us. And everyone was crying, even his aide. [camera pans and shows Oscar in disbelief] Angela angela Angela's engaged to a gay man. As a gay man, I'm horrified. As a friend of Angela's, horrified. As a lover of elegant weddings, [smiles] I'm a little excited. [expression becomes serious again] But overall, horrified. Oscar oscar Andy? You all set? Jim jim Okay, guys, it's time. It's pep talk time. Tell me what I need to hear. Andy andy Are you sure this is a good idea? I hate to see you disappointed. Phyllis phyllis [grunts] Augh. Andy andy I think Andy should be the boss. He's just so great. If I'm being objective, then Darryl, of course. Erin erin So, Andy, what improvements would you make as office manager? Jim jim For starters, I really think we can streamline communication around here... [gets cut off by Gabe] Andy andy Whoa! That's a very heavy accusation to level against Toby. Gabe gabe I wasn't acc-, accusing... Andy andy Well, Toby's in charge of Human Resources, that would include communication. I think that Toby's done a fine job. Gabe gabe Right! I really wasn't trying to insult any, anyone. Andy andy I didn't think you were. Toby toby I have two relationships with Andy. I have a personal relationship, and I have a professional relationship. Personally, yeah, I think he's a rat, and I think he's responsible for the demise of my relationship with Erin. Professionally,... he broke up the happiest couple in this office! Gabe gabe How many windows are there in New York City? Gabe gabe What? Andy andy Critical thinking. Common, on-the-spot question asked in an interview. Gabe gabe Okay. Let me think... are you counting car windows? Andy andy No... How far away is the Sun? Gabe gabe [happily] Uh, 93 million miles. Andy andy [to Gabe] Is it? Jim jim Yeah! And the diameter of the Sun is 870,000 miles, which makes it 109 times wider than the Earth, and... [Gabe looks visibily annoyed] 333,000 times heavier than the Earth,... Andy andy Shut up about the Sun! SHUT UP about the SUN! [slams fist, hurting his hand] Gabe gabe [alone in his car] I am unhappy with the confusing and, at times, confrontational nature of that meeting. I wanted it to go better. I WANTED IT TO GO BETTER!! Andy andy [on phone] Yes, there used to be a paper clip that would pop up and say "Looks like you are writing a letter or resume. Would you like help? I believe his name was... [looks embarrassed at camera] Clippy. Darryl darryl [on phone] First of all, I want to thank you for your years of patronizing our company. I've got some bad news. We're going out of business. [covers phone, whispers to Pam] Saving face. [uncovers phone] Yep, yep. I understand that. Basically everything is falling apart here. Pam looks around the office and realizes only she has overheard this] Creed creed How is this on me? Pam pam Hang up. [Creed hangs up] Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture. [shows Creed two similar-looking photos of some building] Intel has told us there were at least seven. Pam pam [takes the pictures] Okay I already see one, gimme. Okay. Creed creed They're the same picture. Pam pam Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, god, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way. Kelly kelly Your department's just you, right? Jim jim Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage. Kelly kelly Great! [to Jim and Toby] Um, can we just... [does a "wrap it up" motion with his pen] Gabe gabe What was that? Kelly kelly We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so... [nods] Gabe gabe [getting upset] Am I not a serious candidate? Kelly kelly What do you want me to say? I mean, there's a line of qualified people out there. We have a video CV from England. [to Jim and Toby] Are we all just gonna pretend to- okay. [to Kelly] Um, what are your weaknesses? Gabe gabe I don't have any, assh***. Kelly kelly [comes in, slapping some papers on the table] I want an interview. Dwight dwight [walking with Jim in the parking lot] How's the family? Dwight dwight Good! Jim jim Good. They good? Dwight dwight Yeah. Jim jim What's your daughter's name again? Peepee? Dwight dwight Peepa. Jim jim Peepa, how is she? Dwight dwight Great. Jim jim Great! Oh, that's great... We never were very good at small talk, were we, Jim? Dwight dwight No. Jim jim Now, listen,... Dwight dwight You're not getting an interview, Dwight. The whole point of this Search Committee process is to prevent hiring someone like you ever again. Jim jim Okay, I know why you're saying that, Jim, I really do, but think of it this way. The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat [motions to grip Jim's throat] is the strong hand you want on the wheel. Dwight dwight [pulls Dwight's arm down] Okay. That's vivid. Jim jim I'm going to make you an offer. Okay? You even do so little as grant me an interview, I will guarantee you your dream work life. Okay? You roll in at 10 a.m. to your own private reserved parking spot, pick up your daily free coffee from Dwight's Caffeine Corner, unlimited sex breaks for you and Pam... Dwight dwight Yikes. Jim jim Erin will eat garbage for your entertainment. Dwight dwight Well, you know how I like taking bribes. [both smile] Jim jim Ha ha! [pats Jim on the back] Dwight dwight Unfortunately, Jo also took the job away from you because she doesn't trust your judgment. So how would that look for me, if I recommended you? Jim jim Fine. I'll do it without you, but you'll regret this. Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim Let me get that for you. [runs ahead to open the door for Jim] Dwight dwight Thank you. Jim jim Okay. [looks ashamed] Dwight dwight Pam... I think Robert is gay. Oscar oscar The Senator? [Oscar nods] He was married before, and he has a kid. Pam pam [whispers] So!? Oscar oscar And don't say that thing about how lots of gay guys have kids. Pam pam I have a very strong suspicion. Oscar oscar Did you see him at a bathhouse? Pam pam What bathhouse? Oscar oscar The windowless building by the Baskin Robbins. Pam pam [confused, whispers] What? Oscar oscar Forget it. I'm never gonna know what goes on there. Pam pam My friend at the Scranton Blade is totally plugged into these matters. Oscar oscar You're in the gay mafia. Pam pam You're thinking of another group. Much wealthier, much older. [whispers, smiles] You sound ignorant. Oscar oscar You guys, um, talking Senator? Ryan ryan No. Pam pam No. Why would we be talking about the Senator? Oscar oscar 'Cause he's totally gay? [walks away] Ryan ryan Um, how do I know that Robert is gay? He "liked" my facebook photos at 3 o'clock in the morning. Ryan ryan [on video resume on a laptop] Name? David Brent. Occupation? Inspirer. Status? None of your business. Young, free, and single, though. Thanks for asking. Hear you're looking for a new boss. Yeah? Someone to tell a bunch of discontented, underencouraged drones what to do every day. Is that it? Oh. Our out-of-touch powers that be? Want me to fire them, if they don't see things your way? Then I ain't that dude. Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye. Get some other corporate suit to lay down the law. What? You've changed your mind? You're now looking for a leader of men? Ipso facto, women too. [points at self] When do I start? Yeah. [Jim looks uninterested in this candidate] David Brent david-brent Do you know what it took to get Bob to notice me? I waited in his office every morning wearing nothing but kitty-cat ears. I did that every day for two weeks. And on the tenth day he walked in, he was naked too, except a dog nose. Guess what we did then? Phyllis phyllis [trying to cut off Phyllis] I... I don't think I can do that. Erin erin Bestiality. Yeah. Phyllis phyllis Well, that's not my personality. Erin erin If my daughter were asking me... [both giggle] Phyllis phyllis Yes? Erin erin I would say, if you want someone, if you really want them,... go get them. Phyllis phyllis I do really want him. Erin erin So, uh... here you go. [gives resume to Jim] Darryl darryl Great. Jim jim Hope it's all right. Darryl darryl I'm sure it's fine. Jim jim The guy who was in here earlier, interviewed after me, how'd he do? Darryl darryl Howard Cline? Jim jim Ehh, that's not who I'm talking about. Darryl darryl [checks sheet] Oh... Deshaun Williams. Jim jim Yes. How did he do? Darryl darryl He's an amazing man. He's a Rhodes Scholar. He invented an app that invents apps. Fantastic kisser... Jim jim Come on man. I'm being serious. Don't joke. Darryl darryl Darryl! We all know you. Your interview is not nearly as important as the other guys. [Darryl taps a couple times on Jim's desk and walks away] Jim jim First, I'll take down the cubicle walls. Nellie nellie But there aren't... Toby toby Symbol of transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone would have the same job. Same goes for me. I'd take your job, but I'd reject the title. Nellie nellie A little un-specific. Gabe gabe Everyone would be known for their accomplishments. Nellie nellie That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there, and if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with? Jim jim Ooh? Yeah. Mm. Scratch everything from before. I tell you what I'd do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss, and that person can fire the person below them. [overlapping comments by the Search Committee] At least once a month, the lowest performing person... [does a cut-throat hand gesture] bye bye! Nellie nellie How would you compare, like, an accountant and HR? Gabe gabe Well, I'll tell you how. Shall I? I'll tell you how. Nellie nellie Okay. Gabe gabe By splitting the difference. Just... just, somewhere in the middle. Nellie nellie I think that's probably all we need to hear from... Jim jim Zen office. Hmm? Thought of that? That's what I'd do. Everyone takes their shoes off, before they come in. Okay. There'd be no desks. You just sit on the floor. Nellie nellie That's very... Jim jim You've got a Thai woman, out in the back. Sockee! Sockee! Nellie nellie Okay, that's not gonna be... Gabe gabe Sockee!... is her name. Okay? Shes administering massage, all right, if you need it. If you don't, whatever, just talk to her! She's a person! Either way, 50 minutes of that and you...you are cracking to go. [smiles] Nellie nellie Is there a front runner? Oscar oscar You know what? They all just sort of blend together after a while. Jim jim Well, there must be someone who stands out. Oscar oscar No, not at all. In fact, I'm not even taking it seriously. I think at the end of the day, I'm just gonna pick a name out of the hat. Jim jim Well... Oscar oscar The hell you will! I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle, which I intend to. Stanley stanley [in mock seriousness] Oh no, Stanley... you'll live forever... Ryan ryan My next boss will be my last boss. He'll be at my funeral. So I would appreciate it if you would take this seriously. [dunks his half-eaten donut in Jim's coffee, takes it back out, and leaves] Stanley stanley Uh- Jim jim You pick a crappy boss, you're responsible for my crappy life. [leaves] Meredith meredith Okay, everybody, I was just making a joke. I am taking it seriously, I promise. Jim jim Are you? [leaves] Oscar oscar Little advice? Take a day off from the whole Jim schtick. Try caring about something. You might like how it feels... James. [closes his office door, leaving Jim alone in the break room] Ryan ryan [walks in with her dogs] Gabe, honey! Oh, lord. Take all this. [gives the dog leashes and multiple bags to Gabe] Jo jo All right. Gabe gabe Here. Jim! Did you hear Stern this morning? Jo jo No, was it good? Jim jim Ohh, Robin was good. She's always good. Keeps him on his toes. Its Howard's show though. [picks up resume from Jim's desk] Whose is this? Darryl Philbin. Ohh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top. Ah... a little long aren't we? Four pages? Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in ten years at one company? Jo jo Yes, thanks to you, who promoted me, after we, uh, interfaced. Darryl darryl Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory. 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what? Jo jo Paper material, ma'am. Darryl darryl Paper material? Jo jo [softly] Pieces of paper. [Jo rolls her eyes] Darryl darryl [clears throat] Jo, may I speak to you for a second? Dwight dwight Or what? You gonna shoot me? Jo jo Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ohh, I enjoy laughing at my mistakes, because I've learned so much from them. I'd like to be interviewed for the position. Dwight dwight I'll interview you right now. Jo jo Okay. Dwight dwight Question 1. Ever shot a gun in the office? Jo jo It's complicated. Dwight dwight Yeah, but see... it's not. Jo jo I don't think we should tell her. Angela went a whole day without telling me I had lettuce in my teeth. Screw her. Phyllis phyllis I'm a woman. I would want to know. Pam pam Yeah, you gotta know. Meredith meredith Okay, but if Angela can get a gay man to marry her, maybe I could get a lesbian to marry me? Huh? Huh? That's hot. Kevin kevin You have met a lesbian in real life, right? Oscar oscar You know, this is probably is her last chance at a family. Phyllis phyllis She does seem happy. Pam pam You're right. You're right. She seems happy. We don't tell her. Oscar oscar We don't tell her. Kevin kevin Okay. Pam pam Excuse me, Ms. Bennett, may I have a word? Kelly kelly Okay. Jo jo Uh,... can it be in private? [to Gabe] Don't worry, it's not about you. [Gabe smiles and leaves] As Minority Executive, I think it's my responsibility to let you know that Gabe is gross. I don't think it's professional that he was sleeping with the receptionist, and then when Erin dumped him, so that she could be with Andy, he became a total crazy stalker psycho. Kelly kelly Welcome to Scranton, Jo. Land of a thousand problems only you can fix. [Jo's phone starts vibrating, she picks it up and sees Dwight has texted her "Dwight's ability as a manager has lead him to higher levels of proffesional success,"] Oh for god's sake. He's texting me his resume one line at a time. These are costing me ten cents a piece, you jackass! I'm roaming! Jo jo [to Jordan] Get me our biggest client on the phone, right this instant. [closes his office door] Creed creed Who is our biggest client? Jordan jordan Uh, just put him through to me. Pam pam [laughs] Okay. Jordan jordan Hello! This is... the client. Pam pam It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps, you in? Creed creed Yes. Pam pam Hehehe, cool. Let's keep this on the QT, okay? I uh, I don't want you to be a dead mamma jamma. Creed creed Great. Pam pam All right, thank you, bye-bye. Creed creed Thank you, bye-bye. Pam pam [knocks and enters] Jo, you have one more candidate. He's a burn victim. Erin erin Huh? Jo jo [motions toward her face] He's all messed up. I can tell him to get lost if you want. Erin erin No, send him in. [to Search Committee] Who is this? Jo jo I have no idea. Gabe gabe [seeing Dwight wearing sunglasses and whose face and hands are completely covered in gauze] Oh, I know this guy. [Dwight awkwardly hands copies of his resume to the Search Committee] Hello! Mr. "Soo-ven-yay." Mr. "Jacques Soo-ven-yay." Nice to meet you. It says here you're French. [Dwight nods] So you worked at your last job for 15 years as Assistant to the Regional Manager. Jim jim [mumbling through the gauze] Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight dwight Assistant to the Regional Manager. Jim jim [again] Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight dwight What is it? Jim jim [in a cheesy French accent] Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight dwight Oh, that's my mistake, sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper? That's a travesty. Jim jim I want to talk to Dwight Schrute for a second. I want to ask him a question. [Gabe gets up to leave] If he isn't here in sixty seconds... Jo jo Uhh. Wait. Wait! No. Stop! Stop. Jo... [takes off sunglasses and reveals his face] It's me. I'm Dwight. Dwight dwight [looks extremely confused] No. No! Wait, but, I mean, you're Dwight, and then... he's the... [trails off] Jim jim [whispers] Yeah. Dwight dwight [looks astonished] Ohhhh! Jim jim Very unprofessional, "Jacques." Or, should I say, Dwight. Gabe gabe Let's just say I had hired this Jack Souvenir. Then what? Jo jo I would have dressed this way every day, legally changed my name, learned French sign language, shown up, and been the best damn branch manager you'd ever seen! Dwight dwight All that for this job. Jo jo Yes. Dwight dwight That's f***ing crazy. [Jo and Dwight both smile] Get outta here. [Dwight leaves] What a nutjob. Jo jo This guy was good. Although, he did keep saying that he needed two weeks off right at the beginning for a trip to the finger lakes. Seriously. Every five minutes, he was like, "just making sure the finger lakes thing is clear." Jim jim Okay, it's fun to talk about the rejects, but uh, who's got ya excited? Jo jo Finger Lakes guy is good. Darryl is also very good. Jim jim Who's this fella? Went to Cornell. What's wrong with him? Jo jo How much time do you have? Sales ability? None. Integrity? See sales ability. [makes a "zero" hand gesture] Gabe gabe And that's your unbiased opinion. Jo jo Yes, it is. Gabe gabe So it's not relevant that he took the receptionist away from you? Jo jo Oh, Jo. Jo, I'm disappointed in you. Some people let personal things into the workpl-. Is she with him? Because I thought that she was... Gabe gabe Gabe...ugh... you got all close to these people. Got involved in their lives. Let's get you back to Florida. We'll figure out something for you. Jo jo That sounds like a promotion! Gabe gabe It's not. Let's get Kelly in here to take his place. Jo jo Um... why Kelly? Jim jim 'Cause Gabe's tall and weak. She's short and strong. I'm doing an opposites thing. Jo jo Okay. Jim jim How'd my girl Nellie do? Jo jo Oh, I didn't know you knew her? Jim jim She didn't mention it? Jo jo No. Jim jim Integrity move. I like it. Jo jo You know, she also gave me a reason to think that maybe she wasn't a good fit. Jim jim Well, I'm not saying you must hire her. If you find someone who's clearly a fit, then fine. Just make sure they fit real good. No more manager turnover. Don't mess this up, Jim. And give Dwight an interview. I like a little bit of crazy. Jo jo [hiding under desk, raises a sock puppet up, talking in high-pitched voice] Ahh! Erin erin Erin, what are you doing? Oscar oscar I've been turned into a puppet! Erin erin Okay. [walks away] Oscar oscar [giggling, walks to Erin's desk] Look at the puppet! Hi, puppet! Who are you? Kevin kevin I went to drop off the FedEx forms and an evil witch named Angela turned me into a puppet! Erin erin [giggles] Yeah. Low blow, puppet. Kevin kevin And there's only one thing that can change me back into a real girl. Erin erin It's good. It's just that I wish the puppets would talk more about the alphabet. Not for me... but, if any kids are watching... A, B, and so forth. You know,... M-N-L-O, P... F... Kevin kevin [as sock puppet] I need the most special thing in the office. Erin erin Silence? Dwight dwight A date with the best salesman... Andy Bernard! [Andy walks over to Erin's desk] Erin erin Hey, Erin. Andy andy [gets up] Oh. Erin erin Where'd you learn how to puppet like that? Andy andy [shrugs] I've done it all my life. Erin erin Listen, I'm really flattered, but I don't think we should. Andy andy Erin's my best friend in this office, hands down, but... when she asked me out, I just didn't have that feeling, you know? [clip jumps ahead] Aren't there some things that you really want to like, but you just can't... seem to like it, like, Mad Men... or football... [clips jumps ahead] Let's not forget, Erin chose Gabe over me. That happened. I'm not going to apologize for getting over her, okay? I'm sorry. [clip jumps ahead] I would go for someone who's more... she's great, though. Andy andy [loudly] Stanley, I won't be able to invite everyone to the wedding, because we want to keep it to 350. Angela angela I'll get over it. Stanley stanley I mean, we just have to see how many Senators and members of Congress want to attend, before we can open it up to regular people. Pam, you know how you and Jim did your ironic wedding? [Pam looks confused] Do you still have the plans for the dream wedding that you couldn't afford? Angela angela That was our dream wedding. Pam pam Niagara Falls? Pregnant? That was your dream? Pork medallions? Angela angela [looks over at Oscar, who is quietly watching this happen] I hope... you have a very beautiful wedding, Angela. Pam pam Hmm. Angela angela All right. Name. Jim jim Dwight Schrute. Dwight dwight Thank you, Mr. Schnoot. [closes his binder] We will let you know. Jim jim You have to interview me... Dwight dwight I just did. The answer to that one question told me everything I need to know. Jim jim I demand more questions! Dwight dwight [ignoring Dwight] All right, guys, good day, a lot of candidates. Let's discuss. Jim jim Okay! If you're not going to interview me, then I'll do it. Dwight dwight Yes. Jim jim What will be your first priority? I will have seven first priorities. Safety, profits, fostering a community of self-reliance and entrepreneurship, listening, respect for human life, bolstering our public image, and... [chuckles] getting everyone home on time. Dwight, let me be frank. In an accident that no one can blame you for, an antique gun was discharged while you were acting manager. How are we ever to trust you again? [whispering] That's a great question. [Jim nods] I am going to institute a strict no-firearms policy for this office that extends to myself as well. Wow. All of my concerns are disappearing. Dwight dwight Thank you, Dwight. Jim jim Thank you. [clears throat and gets up] You'll be hearing from us shortly, Mr. Schrute, and I think you're gonna like the call you're going to receive. [smiles] Oh, come on. I'm just happy that I got this meeting. [leaves] Dwight dwight Well, that was quick. Jim jim [sighs] Very, very interesting. And you know what? I'm impressed. Kelly kelly He's not a real candidate. Jim jim I don't know, Jim, 'cause, makes me think about something my grandfather used to say, which is that, sometimes, the hand that jumps out of the grave and grabs you around the throat; that is the hand that you want on the wheel. Kelly kelly You took the deal. Jim jim Yeah, it was a great deal. Kelly kelly That's not okay. Jim jim I don't know. Dwight seems like a great leader to me, and I look forward to the personal perks that he promised me privately. What do you think, Toby? Kelly kelly Well, we could try him out for a little while... [Jim drops his pen, looks exasperated] and if it doesn't work out, you know, maybe one of us could, you know, step in... Toby toby What is happening right now? Jim jim Is it true that you're making Dwight the manager? Phyllis phyllis No, why would you think that? Jim jim He and Kelly said, then they pre-fired me. Phyllis phyllis Okay. [walks out of conference room] Okay, guys, just so you all know, no decision has been made, and Dwight is definitely not the boss. Jim jim That is correct. Actually, Dwight is not the manager yet. Kelly kelly No, no, no. Not ever, 'cause that's not gonna happen. Jim jim Well, it's not entirely up to you, is it? Seems to me like someone's getting a little power-mad. Dwight dwight Am I the only one who remembers what he did when he was in charge? I feel like I'm going a little bit crazy. Jim jim Tuna... You're completely sane. Andy andy Thank you. Jim jim Who do you like for the job? Is there anyone who maybe was a little underwhelming at first, but now seems like a safe, if not slightly unexciting, choice? Andy andy Okay, seems like everybody has an opinion. So, who else? Anybody? Jim jim Do you mean it? Anybody? Are you sure? Kevin kevin [while sighing] I suppose I am. Jim jim Okay... well what do 'I' want in a manager?... let me see. [walks slowly across the office] what do 'I' want?... Kevin kevin I don't think he meant, that- Oscar oscar So now anyone gets to talk at any times? Kevin kevin Go ahead. Oscar oscar What do 'I' want?... I'm looking for someone... who... [smiles] Everyone is listening to me. [Dwight looks at the camera, annoyed] Kevin kevin Can I say...? Oscar oscar Yes. Jim jim I think it should be Darryl. Oscar oscar Okay. Jim jim What a surprise! Minorities sticking together. Dwight dwight Kelly's on your side. Oscar oscar I'm sorry, is that all you think of me? A minority? I am so much more than that. I am a dancer, I'm a singer, I'm a fashion designer. Kelly kelly Whoever it is, I think they should be lame. [Stanley shakes his head and rolls his eyes] Kind a a non-threatening, moderate personality. Andy andy I want an outsider. Ryan ryan Perfect. There are several outside candidates that we think would be really- Jim jim No, I mean an outsider. Like someone on the margins of society, who doesn't see things the way we do, like a homeless person. Ryan ryan A homeless person. Really? A homeless person. Pam pam No, you're right, Pam, let's just leave him to the welfare system and let that handle it. Ryan ryan No, I want you to say that you think the 'best' person to be our new manager is a homeless person. Pam pam Let me guess who you want, Pam. Rachael Ray? The ladies of The View? Ryan ryan I got away with... everything, under the last boss, and it wasn't good for me, at all. So, I want guidance. I want leadership. But don't just, like, boss me around, you know? Like, lead me. Lead me... when I'm in the mood... to be led. Ryan ryan I just want, for once, a smart, professional, decisive, well-hung man in his forties. Meredith meredith Hey! Hey! Hey! Jim jim Okay, fine. Uhh, the guy with a tiny penis. Are you happy? [sarcastically] Let's hire that guy! [Jim looks speechless] Meredith meredith She may have a point there... would a small penis work? Small-to-moderate. Andy andy [walks in] Gotta catch a plane. Gabe gabe Ohh, hey Gabe, I'm sorry, we... we didn't get you a cake or anything. We're gonna miss you. Pam pam Oh, well I'm still the corporate liaison to the branch. Gabe gabe You are not leaving without giving me a hug. [hugs Gabe] Ughh. Kelly kelly Okay, you know what, you don't need to make that sound. Gabe gabe I'm sorry! You were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be! Kelly kelly There are plenty of people who love touching me. [camera zooms to Ryan, who looks at the camera, extremely skeptical] I'm a terrific hugger. I've been with a bunch of girls where that's basically all they want to do. I will see you all soon. Gabe gabe Later, man. Kevin kevin [various] Good luck! Goodbye! Good luck at your new job. All all Take care, man. Ryan ryan We're gonna miss you, Gabe. [Gabe leaves] Dwight dwight [stands up] Uh, listen up. Listen up, ladies. I want the job. There, I said it. I'm educated. I'm capable. I like all of you... and I won't make any changes. Andy andy I see it. [nods and smiles] I see it like I see a mountain that I'm standing in front of [voice cracks] and facing, and I'm like... Erin erin Yeah. [Oscar looks confused] Yeah, Andy would be wonderful as boss. Erin made a good point. [brushes Erin's hair with her hand] Phyllis phyllis No, we're not related. I got the call. But... I'll tell her some other day. [smiles] Phyllis phyllis What about Darryl? We can all agree that he's a stand-up guy, right? Jim jim Well, let me be clear. I only speak for myself, and not myself and the Senator. I think we have some wonderful candidates, and there's a great, lively debate here, but let's think about- Angela angela No, no,... no. Sorry. We cut Kevin off for the same thing. You have to have something to say, if you talk. [Angela rolls her eyes and stops talking] Toby toby Exactly. Kevin kevin [enters the office with his daughter, who runs in and hugs Jim] Jada, no, no, no, Jada, what are you doing? [Jim looks knowingly at the camera] Oh. So sorry, guys. I hope my family didn't disrupt your meeting. Darryl darryl Daddy, are these the people who are making you manager? Jada jada [sighs] Maybe, sweetheart. Single dad. Challenges. Darryl darryl I don't know if he'd be a good manager [Jim shakes his head and looks wide-eyed at Darryl], but he's a really great dad! Jada jada Okay, shush it. This was a mistake. Let's go. [Darryl and Jada leave, Ryan slowly shakes his head] Darryl darryl It seems like we all know enough to vote. Should we just vote now? Phyllis phyllis What? No, no, it's not a vote. Jim jim Then what was this all about? Phyllis phyllis I don't know. This conversation really got away from me. Jim jim I don't care. They can just vote. Kelly kelly No, they can't. That's not how this is gonna work. [exhales] We're going in this room, we're going to have a meeting. We're gonna make a recommendation to Jo, and she's gonna give you her recommendation on Monday. Okay? [to Kelly and Toby, as they re-enter the conference room] What the hell happened out there? [Kevin tries to follow, but the door is closed on him] Jim jim Sometimes you hear about people failing upwards. I think I'm about to do that. Andy andy This job? Oh, yeah, I'll get it. Jo's an old friend. I think... I'm her best friend. She's not my best friend. Nellie nellie Every day I have a blueberry muffin. Today, I did not have a blueberry muffin. Should have had the blueberry muffin... especially considering how incredibly superstitious I am. Darryl darryl No, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I will be the new boss of... [looks back to glance at lobby directory] Vance Refrigeration. Fred fred Honestly, I think I... I sabotaged myself. It's like I'm afraid of being happy. Case in point... I was supposed to start another job today. Merv merv [chuckles] I will get offered the job. That's a... call I've received many times. The slight hopefulness in their voice, the pregnant pause... while they wait to hear my response, and then... my response. Robert robert [geeky voice] I want the job. I really do. It's just, the rest of my family's in the Finger Lakes right now. I'm supposed to be in the Finger Lakes right now. I told them I was on a hike; snuck away to do this interview. I gotta get back pretty soon; they'll worry. People disappear in the Finger Lakes. Finger Lakes Guy finger-lakes-guy I will run this branch, or I will destroy this branch, or... [shrugs] I don't know. Something always works out. [leaves] Dwight dwight You remind me so much of my fourth-biggest client. Creed creed [in high-pitched, damsel-like voice] Is that right? Pam pam I think you two should meet. Creed creed Well, okay! Pam pam Hey Jordana! Patch my ninth- and fourth-biggest clients together. [Pam puts down phone and picks it back up] Creed creed [in a comedic male voice] Hello! {Pam} as "fourth-biggest client" pam [in high-pitched, damsel-like voice] Hello! {Pam} as "ninth-biggest client" pam Hi, how are ya? [Erin looks amused, Stanley and Phyllis look at Pam, confused] {Pam} as "fourth-biggest client" pam Ohho! I'm good! Don't you just love paper, and things about paper! {Pam} as "ninth-biggest client" pam Hey, are you single? This seems like a love connection to me! {Pam} as "fourth-biggest client" pam It's Kismet! Creed creed