This here is a radon test kit. [holding out tiny cylinder disc] Okay I will be putting 'em everywhere. And... please don't throw these out. [starts snapping towards Michael's face] This is a radon test kit. [continues snapping] Please don't throw these out. [Michael gives annoyed look] See them all over the office. Toby toby Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. [finds radon kit in between his blinds in his office] But I figured I'd rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. [throws it away] The second time... I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. [finds another radon kit on top of his cabinet] Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time... I did it out of spite. [takes radon kit from the top of the blinds of his office window and slams it into the trash can] Michael michael Pfffffttt. Michael michael Come on, Michael. You're interrupting. Toby toby You're kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this? Michael michael Please sit down. Toby toby You know what? We're not gonna die of radon, we're gonna die of boredom. Michael michael YEAH! [laughter] Everyone everyone Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice. Michael michael No. No! Everyone everyone That's... not okay. Jim jim Okay, alright. Michael michael You were being really funny, and then you went too far. Dwight dwight I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby. Michael michael No, hmmm... that's still... Dwight dwight Mm-mm. Everyone everyone Okay geniuses, how would you do it? Michael michael Curve the bullet. Like in my favorite James McAvoy film, Wanted. Creed creed All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden... Oscar oscar Is there a curtain rod in the room? Ryan ryan I don't know. Michael michael How about make-believe land has anything you want? Stanley stanley Stanley, please, this is serious! Jim jim Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence? Angela angela Yes, we stab Toby through the heart with an icicle. Michael michael Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it: Dwight dwight What flavors did you get? [yawns] Pam pam It's so exciting Pam. The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60. Erin erin [reading flavors] Despera-dough. Witchy-womanilla. Why do they do this? Pam pam Do you want me to go back to the store? Erin erin No, no, no, it's fine. I was just commenting. We gotta get these out, open 'em up. Pam pam This is all for Michael. It turns out his girlfriend was married. Erin erin Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, this whole place comes to a halt, so we're just trying to get out in front of this. Pam pam After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me. Erin erin [yawns] Yeah, or no... well... I don't know. I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece, otherwise I'd be running this. Pam pam That's okay. You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late, though. Erin erin We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room and the Pink Panther movie in his office. With half hour shifts to watch it with him. Erin erin And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. So please sign up. Pam pam He's coming. Erin erin Oh, okay. Everyone, remember, when he get's like this, he will wallow, if you empathize. Keep conversations light and if you get stuck, and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect okay? Farting noise, whatever. Okay. Pam pam [walks in] Hey everyone. Toby toby No, out! Get out now! Leave now. Pam pam Leave, get outta here. Dwight dwight Leave! Pam pam Right now! Dwight dwight Oh, and if he makes a joke, just laugh it up, no matter what. Okay? Pam pam [walks in] Morning everyone. Michael michael Hey! [applauses] Hey, hey! Everyone everyone Hi Michael. [gives him a hug] Erin erin Hello! Michael michael Michael, nice tie or something. Dwight dwight Oh, thank you. It's reversible, I think. [everyone laughs] Michael michael That's hilarious. Kevin kevin That's awesome. You want some ice cream? Pam pam Oh! Oh wow, are those Eagles' flavors? Cake it to the Limit. That's my favorite! I love that! Too much for me to have by myself. Anybody wanna share? Michael michael Boi-oi-oi-ing Kevin kevin Okay. Well... that's random. I will dig into those later. Michael michael I don't follow this exactly. Uh, "The Descendants of any replicants from this union shall have..." Lawyer lawyer Joint custody {Dwight} and {Angela} dwight angela Are we talking about your grandchildren? Lawyer lawyer No. Angela angela No. Dwight dwight Rather than spend all day in court, we've decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. It was an option spelled out in our childrearing contract. Angela angela Alleged contract. Dwight dwight Alleged? I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over. Angela angela Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah! [pretends to karate chop her neck] See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it. Dwight dwight So much of this is just impossible to verify. Item five, point "B", uh... the beet juice cleanse? Dwight dwight I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting. Angela angela How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample. Dwight dwight Dwight, look at my teeth. [shows teeth, beet red] Angela angela Eughh. [looks disgusted] Dwight dwight No secret crying. Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there. Andy andy Could he still be seeing her? Pam pam I don't think he'd do that. Phyllis phyllis So we're gonna say the most likely scenerio is that Michael matured overnight? Jim jim Well, it happened to Tom Hanks in Big. Andy andy Exactly. It happened in Big. Jim jim No, I gotta go. Text me later. Michael michael I'm really too tired to do this. Jim jim Me too! Pam pam Then let's just not do this. Do you have any idea the risks involved? Jim jim Hey Michael. Pam pam Hey. Michael michael We were wondering if you would like to have dinner with us tonight, in our home, and play with our baby. Pam pam We can order in from Hooters. Jim jim Oh, Hooters to go. Nice. Michael michael We can watch a movie and play Rock Band. Pam pam Billy Joel Rock Band. Jim jim That... exists? Michael michael Yes. Pam pam Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer. Michael michael [shouts] Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna? Pam pam Okay, Pam... she's not invisible so stop asking silly questions. Michael michael Oh Michael. Phyllis phyllis Since when is this an office where we delve into each other's personal lives? Michael michael I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband... or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong. Michael michael That is something I would never do. Meredith meredith Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith. Michael michael Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with. Meredith meredith I ask... everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?". Meredith meredith People, this is Scranton. And many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers. Michael michael Eughh, Ryan, I do not want you hanging around Michael anymore. Kelly kelly Okay. Ryan ryan I will have you know that I asked Donna about this and she is fine with it. And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward. Same answer. Michael michael How does he feel about it? Andy andy He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach. He wakes up early. He goes to bed early. Look at how long it took for him to find out. [points to Andy] It was right under his nose. I had to tell him. Michael michael Now you're just being hurtful. Jim jim I'm sorry, it... why is it okay for Stanley to cheat or for Phyllis to cheat... Michael michael Hey! Phyllis phyllis On her diet! He's a sports guy. He's scummy. Dogfighting. Drugs. They spit. Michael michael Did Donna tell you that? Andy andy Real sports with Bryant Gumble. Michael michael So you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy. Andy andy You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. just sit there and think about Michael jackson. Michael michael My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I'd so much rather play the part on stage. Andy andy So... here's the thing about infidelity. Andy andy Mm, no, when are you people going to stop casting the first stone? I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy. Michael michael How does that work? Andy andy Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him. Michael michael In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyonce. Andy andy I am Beyonce always. Michael michael Not this time. Andy andy Yes, I am. Michael michael This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? Let's go check him out, see what a horrible person he is. Andy andy I would love that. Michael michael Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Let's go check it out. Andy andy I have work to do. Michael michael Oh, really? I thought you were the boss. Andy andy Let's go. [starts walking towards the elevator] I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her. Michael michael [humming Call to Post] Bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM bum bum Andy andy All right, Andy, please. Michael michael Baseball! Andy andy Shh! Try not to draw attention, please. That's him. That's him. Michael michael Where? Andy andy Right there. The coach! Michael michael Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees! Andy andy Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base? Michael michael [announcer's voice] And Now, coaching third base with two arms, two legs, and no heart. Capable of feeling pain. Andy andy All right. Can you just- can you just act normal for a second, please? Michael michael Whatever. I'm the one blending in. Andy andy [ahem][Pam snores] Guys? Gabe gabe Pam. Jim jim Mm. Hey. Oh, hi, Gabe. Pam pam Can you two please join me in my office? Now. Gabe gabe You were supposed to be the Lookout. Pam pam Yeah, well it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag. Jim jim I don't wanna be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, this makes us all look bad. Gabe gabe Sorry about that. Jim jim So embarrassing. Pam pam Good. Okay. End of the dressing down. I just hate that part of the job, you know, the power dynamics. Gabe gabe Well, you were surprisingly restrained. Jim jim We will be well-rested tomorrow. Pam pam Okay. That's great, actually, because I wanted to talk to you about something else. Gabe gabe Excellent. Go for it. Jim jim I'm sure you got my email about the printer fires. The one with the branching decision tree? I actually designed that chart. Kinda hoping it catches on. [Jim and Pam struggling to stay awake] Anyway, the question is, what is the best way to disseminate important information in an efficient way? Gabe gabe Right? So, uh, let's uh... Jim jim Finally there's a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, a la Benjamin Button. Lawyer lawyer Same page. Go to the next one. Angela angela Same page. Just keep moving. Dwight dwight Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of the matrix- Lawyer lawyer Which we can't know. Dwight dwight This is essentially... Lawyer lawyer Unless we're unplugged. Dwight dwight Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor. Lawyer lawyer And wake up in the future. Dwight dwight Which is actually pretty common. So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract. Lawyer lawyer What? Dwight dwight Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else. Lawyer lawyer What? Angela angela So essentially, this comes down to damages. Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000. Lawyer lawyer What? Dwight dwight I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it. Dwight dwight Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play. Andy andy You have no idea what you're talking about. Michael michael I know it's like cricket. Andy andy You don't. No, no. Michael michael And it's-there's- well, home plate is like a wicket. Andy andy You don't know. You don't- you don't know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didn't even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet it's like, "Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes?" "High-five, Donna." "Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers?" "Hi-five. I'm taking all the credit." Michael michael Seems pretty well liked by the team. Andy andy Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary. Michael michael You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players. Andy andy I know, I know, I know. It-I'm-it- that was a euphemism. Michael michael $30,000? There's gotta be another way. Dwight dwight He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune. Angela angela Look, I will not pay. Dwight dwight Well, I have an alternative.[hands Dwight a document] Angela angela "Intercourse to completion. Five individual times rendered at my discretion?" Dwight dwight Look, I don't think that's actually legal. Lawyer lawyer Agreed. [shakes hands with Angela] Dwight dwight Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses. Dwight dwight But not in your bed. It's lumpy. Dwight dwight Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy. Angela angela Fine. Five times. [signs contract] Dwight dwight Look, I can't legally watch this unfold. It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution. Lawyer lawyer I want eye contact. Angela angela No. Dwight dwight Yes. Angela angela Do you understand how rare is that in nature? Dwight dwight I'm not some farm animal. [Dwight smirks at the camera] Angela angela Great game, coach. Andy andy Shh! Okay, all right. Don't, don't. Michael michael You guys are awesome! Best game I've ever seen in my life. Andy andy Yeah, right. You must be rootin' for the other guys. Shane shane Ha. The other guys can go die. Andy andy [whispers] Okay. Michael michael Baseball! Go talk to him. Andy andy No. God. You go talk to him. Michael michael Let's go. Shane shane Shane. Great game man! Andy andy Do I know you? Shane shane No. Uh, just big fans. Both of us. Andy andy Are you somebody's... parents? Oh, are you guys... Kenny's dads? Shane shane Ha. No. No. But we're gay for baseball. [chuckles] Andy andy Okay. Shane shane But I have a wife, actually, who I really love a lot. Andy andy Okay. Let's go! Shane shane Yeah. I am so into the institution of marriage. Andy andy Whoa! Shane shane I mean, isn't marriage the best, you know? Two good people finding each other, getting all committed to each other. So you love baseball. What else do you love? Let's round you out as a person. Andy andy Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to... focus here on the game. Shane shane I get it, man. I love it. That's what makes you a good coach. You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better if I know the coach loves his wife. Andy andy Of course. Okay? I gotta... get back to this. Shane shane Of course. Andy andy All right. Shane shane But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon! Andy andy No, no, no. Michael michael Come on, get over here. Andy andy I'm good. Oh, my God. Michael michael Get- Get over here. Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach. Andy andy Sorry. I got some stomach cramps. Michael michael It's all right. It's all right. Keep it going. Shane shane Well, that was not at all what I expected. Hoo hoo! Whoo. My heart's still racing. I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, "I'm sleeping with your wife." And you know who does that? James freakin' Bond. Michael michael Okay, orange slices. There ya go. Michael michael Thanks, Michael. Erin erin Don't thank me. Thank Dylan's mom. Here you go! Oh! Ooh Hoo Hoo Hoo hoo! Michael michael Why would you throw something wet at me? Oscar oscar You love it. There ya go. Michael michael Now, were those for the team? Jim jim Uh, no, they didn't say team. They just said coal Hawks. Michael michael Ah. Jim jim I don't think those were yours to take. Pam pam Well, then it wouldn't be the first time I stole something away from Coach Shane. Michael michael I just wanna go on record as saying that I do not condone this affair, and I went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior. Andy andy Did you talk to him? Pam pam I did. Michael michael You talked to the man whose wife you're having an affair with. Pam pam Wow. That is crazy. Kevin kevin Was there a fistfight? Phyllis phyllis No. We just talked. He's very nice. Michael michael And it didn't change your mind. Phyllis phyllis It did not. Michael michael Michael, that's awful. Phyllis phyllis Isn't it? Michael michael Yes. Phyllis phyllis I'm awful, aren't I? Michael michael Yeah. That's pretty bad. Kevin kevin I'm an awful guy! Ooh! Michael michael How can you live with yourself? Oscar oscar I am what I am, Oscar. And I want what I want. And right now, I want a piece of cake. From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for. Michael michael That is a dangerous game, friendo. Kevin kevin Well, because I thought that it was a book about Anthropology the store. Kelly kelly I don't know why you were in that part of the bookstore. Ryan ryan 'Cause it's next to they baby section, okay? Kelly kelly All right, that makes more sense. You should have said that at the beginning when you said, "I read a book about anthropology." Ryan ryan I don't really know why you're screaming at me right now. Kelly kelly I'm not scream- I'm not screaming. Ryan ryan That's Meredith's cake. It's her birthday. Kelly kelly I don't care. I have an appetite for life! [eats cake] Mmm. Mmm! Oh, god. That's Lemon. Michael michael Good for you, man. Good for you. Ryan ryan He takes what he wants. Ryan ryan You know what? I think you're attractive, and I wanna sleep with you. Ryan ryan What about Kelly? Erin erin You read my mind. Ryan ryan [quietly] Is this a joke? Erin erin Yep. Ryan ryan It's hard to live that way man. You gotta really not care what people think about you. I-I don't know how you do it, Michael, I-I-I can't be that cold. Ryan ryan You'll learn, baby. You'll learn. Michael michael [pressing buttons to start microwave and moves towards his crotch] I am an honorable man, and I will honor the contract. But I don't have to give her the good stuff. Schrute sperm are strong, [banging on his crotch with drum sticks] but they're no match for a grown Schrute man. [drops yellow pages against his crotch] [screaming] [chuckling] Let's see what she gets. [bouncing crotch on bike and crashes into glass door] [thud] Aah! Dwight dwight [Michael leaving copy machine] Uh, boss, we're out of paper. Creed creed Yeah, I noticed that. Michael michael Are you gonna add any more? Creed creed Nope. Michael michael He don't give an "F" about nothin'! Creed creed I have got big balls. Michael michael I don't think I'm gonna make it. Pam pam [yawning] What about an energy drink or something? Jim jim [shakes head] It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, Cece drinks it six hours later. Pam pam Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it. Jim jim Well, it does and it doesn't. Pam pam Probably shouldn't tell you this, but a lotta guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, so... we have a place. Darryl darryl A place? Jim jim A restful location. Talk to Glen. He'll take you up in the lift. Darryl darryl You sleep in the warehouse? Pam pam Lightbulb's burnt out, so it's dark. And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist, okay? Darryl darryl Okay. Jim jim Pam. Darryl darryl Okay. Pam pam For your signature. [drops document on Michael's desk] Phyllis phyllis Okay. [Phyllis avoids looking at Michael] Phyllis. Okay. Look at me. [continues to look away] Phyllis, look at- [Phyllis turns to leave] okay, that's... [chases after her] All right, all right. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes. If you think that's going to have any effect on me, it will not. I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna. Michael michael Why not your condo? Kevin kevin Because a motel is dirty and it is sexy. Like me. And like Donna. And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate. Michael michael Oh, Michael, will you drop it? Everybody's spoken their mind, and no one's changing their mind. Stanley stanley Okay, Morgan Freeman-narrating-everything. Michael michael Do you want someone to stop you? 'Cause no one's going to. Andy andy Nobody better try to stop me. Good. [leaves the office. door closes] Michael michael I could have stopped him. Dwight dwight Are you warmed up? [outside sliding door in warehouse] Dwight dwight No. Angela angela God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility? [zipper sound] Dwight dwight What did you do to yourself? [camera pans to Jim and Pam laying down in restful location] Angela angela Never mind. Just never mind. Dwight dwight Well, it better work. Angela angela Oh, it'll work. [Jim and Pam look shocked and disturbed] Mm. Stop kissing me. It's not in the contract. Dwight dwight [driving in car; returns to office; grabs ice cream out of freezer] How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. [beeping; cut to Donna who is waiting in the parking lot of the motel] Like a grownup.[Donna receives text from phone] That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And I'm a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. [Donna has disappointed look; cut back to Michael in his office opening ice cream] At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself or... being happy. And I picked... the... former. Michael michael Michael Scott? Reporter reporter Yes? Michael michael Do you wanna make a comment on the rumors? Reporter reporter [sighs] Umm... I have done some very bad things, things of which I am not proud. I would like to publicly apologize to... the coach and the players. And I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts ever again. Michael michael I'm talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire. Reporter reporter Oh. Okay. I was talking about... what do- what? What's going on? Michael michael