[Pam is on phone and clicking her mouse rhythmically, Jim is clicking his pen equally as much, and Dwight notices] None none Stop it! Dwight dwight Stop what? Jim jim You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha! Dwight dwight [chuckles] Yeah. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you. Jim jim Yup. That's exactly what we did. Jim jim It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, "I will when you lose the baby weight." Pam pam Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. [Pam clacking her stapler and Jim responding with tapping his keyboard rhythmically] Detonator. Detonator where? Michael! Dwight dwight Jim. Are you clicking a detonator? Michael michael It's a pen. Jim jim Michael, come on. Dwight dwight Get back to work, Dwight. Please. Michael michael Fine. [clears throat] Hey. Tap away. [Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on and Pam and Jim begin to blink rhythmically] Dwight dwight Ooh! Things with Donna are so... oh-ho-ho! They're going great. I, uh... we're just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and... orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I'm actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it! Michael michael Who enjoys the weekends? [all raise hands] Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone, which I do. I have Donna. She is hot. She has a Pilates butt. But we need to find something to do this weekend beside have sex. Did I say that? Yes, I did. [all nod] And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I could do on the weekend. So just shout it out. Michael michael I have an idea for your weekend. Stanley stanley Okay. Michael michael Let me get back to my desk right now. Stanley stanley Okay, you get out of here, big dog. [high-fives Stanley] Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down. I need ideas. Michael michael Stanley got to go. Pam pam Yeah, well, Stanley doesn't help with anything. Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out. Michael michael Walk around apple orchards. Andy andy Oh! Michael michael Super romantic. Andy andy That's fun. Michael michael Eel fishing. Dwight dwight All right. Michael michael Curl up with your favorite DVD. Darryl darryl You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three. Meredith meredith We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro, um, P.F. Chang's. Michael michael Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang's when we have the Great Wall in Scranton. Kelly kelly Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, "I wanna go to Mount Pocono," you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI. Michael michael Wait, that's crazy far. Are you sure she's not cheating? Kelly kelly You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World: Michael michael Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex? Does she... Ryan ryan Yeah, she does all that. Michael michael Sorry, dude. Ryan ryan No, no... Michael michael Michael, do not let your imagination run amok. Pam pam Run what? Michael michael Amok. It means, don't let your imagination run out of control. Pam pam Why didn't you just say that, Pam? Michael michael Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control. Pam pam Well, that's easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It's stupid. I live in a fantasy world. Michael michael You do? Jim jim Yes, Jim, I do. And I can't stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit. Michael michael But you didn't believe any of this was true five minutes ago. Jim jim That's what makes it so wrong. Michael michael Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that's what's killing me. Michael michael Oh, God, that tickles. What did... Dwight dwight [whispers] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator. Michael michael I think I've got one for you. [hands Michael a business card] Dwight dwight This is you. How much do you charge? Michael michael $100 a day, plus expenses. Dwight dwight I'll give you $50. Money's no object. Michael michael I'm just gonna warn you... and I say this to all my clients... you might not like what I find. Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael And you might not like how I find it. [slides over table, leaves] Dwight dwight Of course. Yeah, that's terrible. Okay, let me get back to you. Hey, Stanley. One of my clients just called and said that their Sabre printer started smoking and caught on fire. Andy andy My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems. Stanley stanley Hey, Gabe I need to talk to you about something. It's really important. Andy andy There's no way that you guys have any almond butter, right? Gabe gabe Yeah, I don't know. Look, one of my clients called. He was in the middle of a big printing job and the back of the printer started smoking and then the paper tray caught on fire. Andy andy That's weird. I haven't heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves. Gabe gabe What are we gonna do about this? Andy andy I don't know. Call HQ, see if they know anything. Yeah. That's what I'll do today. All right. Yeah. Gabe gabe Let me know what they say. Andy andy [puts newspaper down] Wow. That dude is good. Darryl darryl What do you mean? Andy andy You didn't feel like he was hiding something? Darryl darryl I don't know. Andy andy Like he was... covering something up? Maybe. Darryl darryl Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said "Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient." [smiles] Darryl darryl [sitting on his Firebird's hood in front of a gym] Hi stranger. Dwight dwight Oh, hi. You work for Michael. Donna donna I work with Michael. Dwight dwight Right. Donna donna Dwight Schrute. [they shake hands] Dwight dwight Donna, hi. Donna donna All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news. Dwight dwight That's interesting. Wow, it's a little early for ice cream, don't you think? Jim jim It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives. Michael michael Oh!... Pam pam Oh, my God Jim jim It's comfort food, all right? [disgustedly] God. Michael michael You know Michael, this whole Donna thing is gonna be okay, you just... stop beating yourself up. Jim jim I know. Well, I hope you're right. We'll see what Dwight says. Michael michael Why do we have to see what Dwight says? Pam pam Because I have him investigating her. I'm waiting for a text update. Michael michael Michael, no... Jim jim No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that. Pam pam It's too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok. Michael michael Michael. Okay, I'm... I'm going to talk straight to you because I think you need to hear it. Michael. Pam pam God, this is so disgusting. Michael michael Stop eating it! Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you. Pam pam I know. Michael michael And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you're in. Pam pam That's not true. [Pam stares him down] You're right, I ruin everything. And I've known some wonderful women. Holly, Carol, Jan. Michael michael Helene. Pam pam Helene? Michael michael My mother. Pam pam Oh. Michael michael My mother, Helene. [Jim shakes his head] Pam pam Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life. Michael michael You should stop this, [pulls away mayo and olives bowl] and you should call Dwight right now. Jim jim [sighs] All right. [calls Dwight] Michael michael [at gym, looks ready to work out, checks phone, and tries to grab Donna's attention] Oh, gosh, we were both going for the same weight at the same time; you go ahead. Dwight dwight Thank you. Donna donna It's all yours. [strains loudly to lift two dumbbells and a free weight chained to strap around his head] Ah! [after first rep, Dwight is injured] Dwight dwight You okay? Donna donna Yeah, I'm good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body? Dwight dwight [chuckles] Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about. Donna donna Tractor pulling. Too bad there's not a tractor here. Dwight dwight [moaning loudly on exercise machine while staring at Donna who's next to him] Oh. Oh. Oh. [groans loudly] One thing you need to know about me. I don't quit until something tears or pops. [chuckles] You look like you're getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse? Dwight dwight Nope. I'm good, thanks. Donna donna Really? Hey, um... [Dwight gets up and walks sorely from his "workout"] Dwight dwight Look, young man, can you wipe down that seat? Old Lady old-lady Get out of my way. Huh! Dwight dwight Tomorrow's fertilizer, am I right? Dwight dwight I'm out of here. Donna donna Donna. Donna, wait, please. I'm sorry. Okay? Listen. We both know why I'm here: Dwight dwight You're back. What happened? Michael michael Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking. Dwight dwight No, what happened with Donna? Michael michael Yeah, no. She's not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here. [near his groin] Dwight dwight Ugh! Michael michael Put your fingers here. Dwight dwight No. No! Are you sure? Michael michael I'm positive. Yeah, oh, and here's your expense receipts right there. Dwight dwight Who eats eight protein bars? Michael michael People who don't trust egg whites. Dwight dwight Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over. Michael michael Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she's coming over here and she's furious. Dwight dwight What? No, she didn't say that. Michael michael You're right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, [pulls out notebook] "What is with him? He is crazy. I'm coming over there to talk to him." And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly. [lays down gym membership receipt on a chair in Michael's office. Dwight dwight I am not paying for that membership. Michael michael [sitting on the floor behind Erin's desk, sighs] Ohhh... mmm... Michael michael Maybe you'd be more comfortable in your own office. Erin erin No, I like the attention. Is she here yet? Michael michael Uh, no. [Michael sighs, Donna enters] Wait, yes. Erin erin That's her? Michael michael Yeah. Erin erin Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right. [Michael pretends to be speaking on the phone as Donna approaches] Okay, I'll talk to you later. Michael michael How could you think I would cheat on you? Donna donna I didn't. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind. Michael michael That's pathetic. Donna donna Ye... pfff. Well, no. It's a lie. That's not what happened. I just like you. I can't believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want. Michael michael When I tell you I like you, you need to trust me, not some freak. [Dwight is gulping some sort of power shake] Donna donna If you wanna dump me, I totally get it. Michael michael I told you I like you. Donna donna Well, you are boner-ific. [Donna laughs] Michael michael Hey, if I said that we should go away for a couple of days, you would... Donna donna ...poop my pants. Michael michael Have you ever been to Vero Beach? Donna donna Oh, my God, Vero Beach. No. Is that on the water? Michael michael We're going. Donna donna We are? Michael michael Yeah. Donna donna What's up? I got your e-mail. Andy andy Close the door. Darryl darryl Okay. Andy andy I don't have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It's like jazz. [scatting] Andy don't mess with me. [continues scatting] I'll figure something out. Darryl darryl Some freaky stuff going on. I was walking behind Gabe and I heard some things. Darryl darryl Such as? Andy andy It was kind of mumbled, I don't know, uh, only thing I could make out clearly was "Andy," "Problem," "Eliminate," something. I don't know what it meant. Darryl darryl What? You don't know what it meant? How about "Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?" Andy andy Whoa. I hadn't even thought of that. Darryl darryl [chuckles nervously] Yeah. Hah. Hoo. Andy andy Oh, hey, I love your earrings. Kelly kelly Thank you. Donna donna Did Michael get them for you? Kelly kelly No, I bought them myself. Donna donna Where? Kelly kelly Steamtown Mall. Donna donna Claire's? Zales? Ricky's? Earring, Earrings? Fancy Girl? Platinum Cat? Where? Kelly kelly You know, I actually got them in Philadelphia, in a mall down there. Donna donna Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governor's Place? Kelly kelly Uh, Franklin Mills. Donna donna [to Pam] What? Jim jim Hmm? Oh. It's probably nothing. Pam pam Okay, heart-shaped jewelry is not something that a woman buys for herself. A man definitely bought it for her recently, and it wasn't Michael. Pam pam Wait, so are you... you like heart-shaped jewelry, though, right? Jim jim No. Except for the pendant that you bought me. Which I love. Pam pam Psst... [Creed walks by Andy and draws his right index finger across his neck, further scaring Andy, Andy looks over at Darryl who is staring him down] Creed creed Creed's head of quality assurance. So he'd definitely be wrapped up in this. Andy andy So there I am, minding my own business and Darnell offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by Andy and go like this. [draws finger across neck] Darnell's a chump. I would have done it for anything. I've done a lot more for a lot less. Creed creed So it turns out Donna and I have a facebook friend of a friend in common, so I was able to see some of her pictures online. [pulls out picture of Donna embracing a man and smiling] This was taken two weeks ago. And this was taken the same night. [pulls out a picture of Donna kissing the same man] This photo was taken this morning. [shows a baby picture] It's Cece. [laughs] She's never gonna do anything wrong. Pam pam Isn't that something? Donna donna Wow. [Pam knocks on Michaels door and goes in] That's exciting. Michael michael Hey, Michael. Pam pam Hey. Michael michael I'm sorry to interrupt you. Um, I actually have something very important to talk to you about, business related. Pam pam Well it can wait. It can wait. Michael michael I lied it's personal. It's about me and Jim. We're... I just... you're the only person I can talk to. Pam pam Jim is her husband. Michael michael Oh. Donna donna And... Pam pam And they are having problems, so sh... Michael michael No, not... we're not... we're not having problems. But it is personal. And I would love... Pam pam Good in bed. Michael michael Yes. Yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim. Pam pam Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching? Michael michael [loudly] I need you to sign this! So bad! Pam pam Okay, weirdo. Michael michael I love [leans over Michael's desk to look at his computer screen]... this idea is neat. I've never been. It sounds lovely. [meanwhile Michael looks at the pictures Pam printed out] Pam pam Yeah I think it'll be a nice trip. We're gonna get a lot done. Donna donna [to Michael] You're gonna wanna look at the date on that. Oh, wow. Look at... golfing. [to Donna] Are you a golfer? Pam pam I am, but I, I gave my clubs away. I swear too much. [Pam and Donna both laugh] Hey, you okay? [to Michael, walking away disappointedly] Donna donna Yeah, I just remembered that I have to go to the bathroom. Pam? Michael michael Absolutely. [both leave Michael's office] Pam pam Look, I'm not down there anymore, so if the guys start making fun of you, you just, you gotta stand up for yourself. Darryl darryl I know, it's just, I'm scared... Glen glen Your text said 911. Andy andy Glen, could you excuse us? [Andy slams the door after Glen leaves, panting heavily] Darryl darryl It's bad. Darryl darryl What's bad? Andy andy It's real bad. Darryl darryl Still no plan. Darryl darryl Oh, God. Andy andy It's getting bigger. Darryl darryl I might have to go public here, but no one's gonna believe me. Uh... I need proof. I need, like, a printer to catch on fire. Andy andy I can videotape it. Darryl darryl Yeah. Andy andy [to camera] There it is. Darryl darryl There what is? Andy andy What? Darryl darryl Who the hell is this? Who is this guy? Michael michael I don't know who he is. Pam pam God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what? Michael michael What? Pam pam I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm not. I feel... I... no, I'm not going to kill him. Michael michael You just have to go in there. You have to hear it from her. Pam pam I have to hear it from her. Michael michael You have to settle down first. Pam pam I need to have her tell me herself. Right? Michael michael Okay. Okay. Yes. Pam pam I need to have her say... Michael michael Yeah, but you have to calm... Pam pam I need to say, "What the hell is that? What the hell is that?" Michael michael Okay. Look at this, look at this. Baby picture. Pam pam No, God! No, no, oh, my God! Michael michael [in baby voice] Hi, Michael, hi, Michael Pam pam [calms down] Okay. Okay. Okay. Michael michael [to Andy] I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400,000. [smiles] We've investigated. Every time it's been user error. They block the vents or something, I don't know. That's why we have the fine print. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. So I'd like to reward you for that. [pulls out gift card] That's god for five bucks at Dunkin' Donuts. Any Dunkin' Donuts. [Andy looks over at Darryl and Darryl motions for Andy to go to him] Gabe gabe You know what? We should really do something fun this week. Michael michael Yeah, we should. Donna donna Wouldn't that be fun? Michael michael Yeah. Donna donna How about Thursday? Michael michael Thursday works. Yeah, what do you wanna do? Donna donna I can't do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday? Michael michael Oh, Friday doesn't work. Donna donna Oh, really? 'cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It'd be a great, great concert. Michael michael Shoot. I'm working. Donna donna Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by. Michael michael Well, won't you be at the concert? Donna donna Nope, that's Tuesday. Michael michael Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday. Donna donna You're cheating. You're cheating on me. Michael michael How do you know? Donna donna Pam told me. [looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna; Jim, Dwight, and Pam are visible on conference room window, they all scramble as soon as Donna and Michael look up, Pam throwing herself on the floor] Michael michael [gasps] Did she see me? Pam pam [to Pam on floor] Nice effort. Jim jim [in old Michael Scott Paper Company's "office"] We're printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress. [Darryl is filming Andy's demonstration] Andy andy You haven't even introduced yourself. Darryl darryl Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you're watching this, it's because I've turned State's witness because I'm in danger because I know too much. Andy andy You should talk in a higher voice 'cause the camera makes you sound weird. Darryl darryl Higher? Okay. [speaking slightly higher] Recently certain events have come to my attention... Andy andy Higher. [motions with hand to go up more] Darryl darryl Make it higher? Okay. Andy andy Mm-hmm Darryl darryl [high-pitched] I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation... Andy andy One more, yeah. [Again motions to go even higher] Darryl darryl [higher] May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger... [printer starts smoking and explodes] ah! [speaking lower] It's working. [in normal voice] It's... I knew it! Andy andy This... [removes camera headset] Darryl darryl We are blowin' the roof off! Blowin' the roof off! [Darryl discharges fire extinguisher onto printer] Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing. Andy andy I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It's not funny. I'm just gonna be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore. Darryl darryl Who is he? Michael michael What, what do you mean? Donna donna The other man. Who's the guy? Who is it? Michael michael It's you. I'm married. Donna donna I'm the mistress? Michael michael [on workout bicycle at gym] Okay, everybody, let's take this next hill. Dwight dwight Excuse me. Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me run this. Gym Instructor gym-instructor You know what? You had your chance. You're no leader. Out of your seat, let's blast! Dwight dwight Don't listen to him, we're approaching a cooldown down a gentle hill. Gym Instructor gym-instructor No! The hill's a trap. Let's take the dirt road off to the side. Dwight dwight No, guys, no. We're just cooling down... Gym Instructor gym-instructor If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one... jump! No! [points to those around him] You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump. You're barely alive. Okay, now nice cooldown. Check your pulse rate. Dwight dwight In memory of Larry Einhorn. None none