At least once a year, I like to bring in some of my Kevin's Famous Chili. The trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot. I'm serious about this stuff. I'm up the night before pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own Ancho chilies. It's a recipe passed down from Malone's for generations. It's probably the thing I do best. Kevin kevin Someone is returning! He started his own company, and now he's back. Who could it be? I'll give you a hint. He is a man. A man you have missed with all your heart. A man who has ruined all other men for you. Who is it? Michael michael [whispering] Who is it? Ryan ryan [whispering] Who is it? Pam pam [whispering] It's Michael Scott. [applause; Michael jumps through sign] Hold it up. Conference room, five minutes. Michael michael Well, I guess the first order of business is to welcome back me, and Pam and Ryan. [scattered applause] And how about casual Friday again, huh? Reinstituting casual Friday? You all look great. What I want to do right now is try something a little different. I'm going to throw it out there, starting with this meeting. I want you guys to run it. I want you to say whatever you want, take it away. Your meeting. Michael michael [after a few moments of silence] Wh-what are you doing? Dwight dwight If there is something that you would like to say as a group, then by all means, you may say it to me right now. Michael michael Okay. Angela angela Yes. Michael michael People are dressed inappropriately. Angela angela Take it up with Toby. What I want you to do, is I want you to look inward. And I want you to reflect. And I want you to say something different. Michael michael Can you give us a hint? Jim jim When I needed salespeople for my new paper company, everyone here turned their back on me. Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness? No. Am I going to ask for big, crying apology? No. Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No. I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that. Michael michael Oscar, what were you going to say? Michael michael Nothing. I didn't say anything. Oscar oscar All right. Michael michael Do I still have a job here? Erin erin Not important. [everyone mutters] Okay, alright. Yes. Yes, you have a job. Frankly, you have a job because Ryan and Pam are starting with us as salesmen. Michael michael Wait, what? Dwight dwight How is that going to work? Stanley stanley It's going to work very smoothly, because Pam and Ryan are bringing over a ton of clients from Michael Scott Paper Company and- Michael michael You mean the clients you stole from us. Phyllis phyllis Yeah , aren't we getting those clients back? Dwight dwight No, you lost those clients. Michael michael I call foul, sir. Andy andy Okay. Michael michael You were bought out. So the company then bought out all of the stolen clients. Dwight dwight Okay, Dwight. Let me explain something to you. I set the rules and you follow them. Blindly. Okay? And if you have a problem with that then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can. Michael michael [to Ryan] Don't fall in love with me, kid. Meredith meredith [laughs] Boscov's at the Steamtown Mall? Pam pam It sure looked good on the mannequin. Phyllis phyllis Well, you have good taste. Pam pam Well, thanks. I sure wish I had more time to talk to my clients, though. Phyllis phyllis What? Pam pam Isn't that what you said to a bunch of my clients when you were stealing them? That I didn't have enough time for them? Phyllis phyllis Oh, I, um... Pam pam Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout. Phyllis phyllis The man is wearing sandals. I don't need to see Oscar's toes at work. Gross! I mean he looks like he just got off the boat. Angela angela Can't you just not look at his feet? Toby toby Excuse me? Oh. You're so educated, aren't you Toby? So trained to deal with a hysterical woman. I don't want to look at his feet. [storms off] Do your job! Angela angela Well, I was in the Seminary for a year and dropped out 'cause I wanted to have sex with this girl, Cathy. Followed her to Scranton. Took the first job I could find in H.R. Later she divorced me. So no, I wouldn't say I have a passion for H.R. Toby toby [hands Ryan a soda] There you are, my friend. Michael michael Oh, thanks, man. Ryan ryan Pamela. Michael michael Thank, Michael. Pam pam Yep. Michael michael Fresh hot ink. Dwight dwight "New File System". Stanley stanley Trust me, Stanley, you're going to want to read this memo very carefully. Dwight dwight I am not changing the way I do my files. Stanley stanley No, no. This goes for all of you. Believe me, you are going to want to heat my words. Dwight dwight When held over heat the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine. Dwight dwight I'm sorry you're offended by my shoes, but I am not going to drive home to change. Oscar oscar I could loan you a pair of socks. Toby toby No. Oscar oscar No, they're clean. I was going to wear them to volleyball practice later. Toby toby I don't think so. Oscar oscar Andrew Bernard. Andy andy Okay, what are you still doing at your desk? Dwight dwight What are you still doing not at your desk? Andy andy Did you even read the memo? Dwight dwight All my files are now in reverse alphabetical order- Andy andy No, you idiot. There is a code embedded in the memo. Listen, you need to round up all the salesmen, except for Ryan and Pam, and get them down to the warehouse pronto. Dwight dwight Oh, it is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn. Andy andy Stop doing rhyming poetry. Just tell them, please. God, the simplest thing. Dwight dwight We're in crisis mode here, do you understand? The two unqualified so-called salespeople are being favored because they all failed together. And frankly, I'm not convinced that Michael and Pam didn't have a thing going while they were gone. Dwight dwight Can I address that? Jim jim No, you're too close. Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim Stanley, how do you feel about those two taking your clients? Dwight dwight It's not right. I don't like it. Stanley stanley He doesn't like it. Dwight dwight You don't take my clients away and give them to a secretary. [sighs] No offense, Jim. I think she's very pretty. Phyllis phyllis Her face is okay, but- Jesus! What -what are you doing here? Dwight dwight I don't know. I saw a crowd. I thought there might be a dogfight or something- Meredith meredith Get out! We need to do something. I'm thinking maybe a coup or we take Ryan hostage. Dwight dwight Those sound too harsh. Phyllis phyllis No, I'm not saying we do those things. I'm saying something like those things. Dwight dwight Of course. What is like a hostage? Jim jim Excellent question. Dwight dwight We could write a strong-worded letter. Andy andy Words will never be enough. Dwight dwight Strongly-painted picture. Jim jim No, pictures are too interpretive. Dwight dwight Can I just say something? I know that tempers are high, but I think the best way to handle this might be to just talk to Michael directly. Jim jim Oh. Well, that-that's a great idea, Jim. Oh, I totally see your point. Okay, we'll talk to Michael directly. So uh, meeting is over, I guess. I'll see everyone upstairs. Dwight dwight Great. See you upstairs. Jim jim C'mon. [whispers] Guys. Psst, listen. Now is the time for action. I'm talking action- Dwight dwight That one's great. Pam pam I know. Michael michael You look so classy in that picture. Ryan ryan I do? Well-Where is that bowl? Michael michael Hey, you have a second? Jim jim Michael Scott Paper Company only. Michael michael Yeah, I think you're going to want to cool it with that 'cause it's starting to upset the other salesmen. Jim jim Okay, well-- Michael michael Tough. Ryan ryan I will-no, no. I'll talk to them when they all get back from the bathroom. Michael michael This is awkward to talk about, but there may or may not be-but definitely is-a mutiny forming in the warehouse right now. Jim jim Against who? Michael michael You. Us. Ryan ryan What? Pam pam It's gotta be because they all want their clients. Ryan ryan The old Michael Scott might have taken this, but not the new Michael Scott. They are in for a bitter surprise. I am not to be truffled with. Michael michael Six weeks ago, none of these people wanted to come with me. You two were the only ones with the stones to follow. Michael michael Mm-hmmm. Pam pam That was us, right there. Michael michael We were something else. Pam pam What you gotta do is you gotta go down to that warehouse and you gotta crack some skulls. Ryan ryan Mm-hmm. Michael michael Chiklis style. Ryan ryan Yeah, the Commish. Michael michael Yes, but Chiklis Shield style. Not Commish style. Ryan ryan Yeah, yeah. The Shield. Michael michael It's crazy what's going on out there today, huh? Creed creed I know. Yeah, it's...kinda- Jim jim Sometimes it's best just to say out of it. Creed creed That's true. That's right. Yeah. Jim jim Want to play a game? Creed creed Hey gang. Where you been? Michael michael Lunch. Dwight dwight Where'd you eat? Michael michael A restaurant. Phyllis phyllis What'd you have, Stanley? Michael michael I had a salmon salad. With water, no ice. I was going to get a soda, but the waiter talked me out of it. Her name was Flo, she had black hair. Andy andy I had Mexican food. Stanley stanley So since you guys already ate, you won't be eating the stuff you brought with you for lunch, will you? [walks into kitchen] Oh, wow, Stanley. Is that egg salad? Andy brought some salmon. Michael michael That looks great. Ryan ryan Dwight, is that a meat sandwich? You guys hungry? Michael michael I can eat. Ryan ryan I'm going to o have some of this meat sandwich. Michael michael It's pony. Dwight dwight Mom. What kind of sauce is on your salmon? Michael michael Dijonnaise. Andy andy Mmm. Thanks for going out, guys. Michael michael Mmm. Pam pam Hey, Meredith. Can I talk to you privately for a second? Toby toby About what? Meredith meredith Your outfit. Toby toby What? What's wrong with my outfit? Meredith meredith You-you might consider pulling it down a touch. It's ri-it's riding up a little high. Toby toby A bunch of prudes. You know, Oscar's allowed to wear sandals, but I'm not allowed to wear open-toed shoes? [pulls down dress, office gasps] Is that how it goes? Meredith meredith Meredith, your boob is out. Oscar oscar Fine. [pulls dress up, everyone gasps again] Meredith meredith Meredith, too far! Angela angela Dammit, Meredith, where are your panties? Kelly kelly It's casual day. Happy? [bends over to get a file, exposing herself to the office] Meredith meredith [playing chess with Jim] No. IF you do that, I'm gonna do that. IF you do that, I'm gonna do that. IF you do this, I'm gonna do that. Creed creed Well, what if I just do this? Jim jim You don't want to do that. Creed creed I'm just hiding out until all this stuff blows over. With Creed. Playing chess. At work. He's winning. I feel like I'm describing a dream I had. Jim jim I'm sorry you feel that way, Mr. Bart. Is there anything I can do to make things better? Ryan ryan Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Give me the phone. Give me the phone. Dwight dwight Exactly. Ryan ryan That's my client. Dwight dwight Exactly. This is your first complaint in ten years. Ryan ryan Give me the phone. Dwight dwight Things have been generally good. Ryan ryan Give me the phone. Tell him Dwight Schrute wants to talk to him. Dwight dwight Look, uh, Mr. Bart... Ryan ryan Hi, Mr. Bart. Dwight dwight At these prices with this service... Ryan ryan Hey, it's Dwight here. Give me the phone. Dwight dwight You're not gonna find this anywhere else. Ryan ryan Dwight Schrute here. Hey, don't hang up. Dwight dwight No, no, no. Sir, don't listen. Ryan ryan I know times are tough right now, and I laud your thriftiness. [tries to pull phone out of Ryan's hand] Ryan! Dwight dwight Ryan, hand the phone over. Phyllis phyllis Stop flustering me, everybody! Ryan ryan Who let this boy on the phone? Stanley stanley Ah! Mr. Bart! Ugh! [slams phone down[ I cannot believe you lost that account. He was my client for ten years! Dwight dwight You made him lose the account by screaming at him the entire time. It's okay, Ryan. Pam pam You're a secretary! What do you know? Dwight dwight Okay. Ryan ryan And you're a temp and I'm taking your phone. I'm confiscating this. Dwight dwight Hey, hey guys. You know what I want you to do? Shake hands, get over it. That was not a shake, Dwight. Michael michael We want our clients back or we quit, Michael. Dwight dwight Who quits? Michael michael Me. Phyllis phyllis And me. Stanley stanley Me too. Andy andy You guys gotta be kidding. Michael michael No, we gotta be deadly serious. We'll start our own paper company. The Schrute-Bernard-Lapin-Vance...Stanley Paper Company. Dwight dwight I love it. I love this idea, and I fully support you. As a matter of fact, I'm going to give you some seed money. [throws money at Phyllis] There you go. There's some seed money for you. And you can take it, no hard feelings. But if you stay, I want an apology, and I want a big one. Michael michael You want us to apologize to you? Stanley stanley Yes I do. Michael michael That's completely backwards. Andy andy It's frontward's. Michael michael Michael, you thought you were attacking corporate, but we were the ones who got hurt. You should be apologizing to us. Phyllis phyllis That's right. Stanley stanley Right. Dwight dwight Michael, you always said we were a family. Then you went after us. Phyllis phyllis No matter how I look at this, I am in the wrong. And I have looked at this thing, like a hundred different ways. From my point of view, from their point of view...98 others. And the bottom line, I am in the wrong. I'm the bad guy. Michael michael I need you to arrange a meeting between me and the sales staff without Ryan and Pam knowing. Michael michael Gasp. Are you talking about a secret meeting? Dwight dwight Whatever you guys did earlier. Michael michael I don't know that first things about secret meetings. Dwight dwight Just do it, okay? Michael michael I'll do- Dwight dwight Get 'em there. Get 'em there. Michael michael I'll do the best I can. Dwight dwight Are you kidding me? Michael michael Deceit does not come easy to me. Dwight dwight Okay, okay, okay. Michael michael I really love your outfit. Erin erin Thank you so much for saying that. I can't believe that Toby thinks this is inappropriate. Kelly kelly You look like J-Lo. Erin erin So from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart, I am sorry. Michael michael Are you giving us our clients back? Stanley stanley If we could just focus and go down the line, and everyone would say, "apology accepted", I think we would all feel better. And then we can break out my gift to you-complimentary white chocolate bark. Michael michael Nobody likes that stuff except for you. Stanley stanley They wouldn't make it unless people liked it. Michael michael Michael, just give us our clients back. That's all we care about. Phyllis phyllis Okay. If I give you your clients back there won't be enough clients for Ryan and Pam, and I promised both of them they were gonna be salespeople. Michael michael So? Stanley stanley Fine, have your clients. I can see that's what you wanted all along. [everyone mutters "okay"] However, I rescind my apology. Michael michael That's fair. Dwight dwight You are not reacting at all as I had hoped. Michael michael What'd I tell you about building forts in my warehouse? Darryl darryl Michael gave all of our clients back to their old salespeople, so now there's not enough for both me and Pam to stay on. Ryan ryan He can only keep one of us as a salesperson now. He'll make his decision by the end of the day. Pam pam I think you should get it. You really grew into it. Ryan ryan Oh. I think you should get it. You've changed a lot and you'd be good at it. Pam pam If you really think that, will you tell that to Michael? That would go a long way coming from you. Ryan ryan Yeah. Pam pam Thanks. Ryan ryan So hey, I'm want to set you up with my daughter. Creed creed Oh, I'm engaged to Pam. Jim jim I thought you were gay. Creed creed Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter? Jim jim I don't know. Creed creed Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute? Michael michael Sure. Let me just finish this turn. Jim jim [puts Scrabble pieces on board] And Bingo was his name. Let's go. Michael michael Challenge. Creed creed I need your help. This whole Pam/Ryan debate is screwing with my head. Michael michael I don't want to be biased, but I am very close to Ryan. You know that. Jim jim You're close with Pam too. Michael michael Eh, she's nice, I guess. You know what? Best thing to do, Pros and Cons list. Jim jim Pro for Ryan, he went to business school, he's my number one choice. Michael michael Well, that's- Jim jim I like his hair. Michael michael Cons, Ryan. He defrauded the company. He has never made a sale. Jim jim Okay. Michael michael He definitely stole my iPod. Jim jim That sounds pretty biased. Michael michael You didn't hear my pros. Environmentally-conscious 'cause his mom drives him to work everyday. Jim jim Okay. Pam, pros. Michael michael Mm-hmm. Jim jim I like her. I think that she is a fast learner. Cons, she doesn't always follow through. Sh-New York and the whole art school thing. And Roy. She has a weird voice. Michael michael That's not true. Jim jim I don't need to tell you that. Michael michael I think she'd be a really good salesperson. Jim jim I don't think you are being totally impartial though, because you haven't said one bad thing about Pam. Michael michael And I won't. Jim jim Okay. So be it, then you've lost credibility. And I'm going to go with my guy, and that's Ryan. Michael michael All right. You're right, sometimes when she's tired, she can be a little bit shrill. But that's not a weird voice. Jim jim Oh, wow! Whoa! Michael michael Take it easy. Jim jim Ho-ho, man! Wow. [in a high-pitched voice] Honey! I want you to bring the garbage out. 'Cause I'm not going to have sex with you unless you bring out the garba- Michael michael I have a very difficult decision to make. It's like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision. Michael michael You don't understand clothing, Toby. You're dressed like this amorphous blob of khaki. Andy andy All right, look, what you gotta understand is that when you come to work, you give up certain rights. Toby toby Listen up, Flenderson. You're being weak and ineffectual. I'm cowboying this meeting, okay? Here are the new rules. Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants. Dwight dwight All right, come. Sit down, Dwight. Toby toby No. Dwight dwight I'm running this meeting. Toby toby That's debatable. Dwight dwight It's not. It's not. Sit down or I am writing you up. Toby toby Ooh, where has this guy been? Meredith meredith Casual Fridays are cancelled. [everyone protests] Let's just not do it anymore. Toby toby You're running from the problem. Andy andy There's not a single appropriate outfit in this whole-except mine, quite honestly. Toby toby Pam, can you come in here, please? Have a seat. [clears throat] Well, there's no easy way of saying this. So I think I will just...drag it out. Since the dawn of time there has been- Michael michael Just tell me. Pam pam I gave Ryan the sales job. There just weren't enough clients for the two of you. So I had to- Michael michael No, okay. Pam pam I'm sorry, sorry. Michael michael Okay, I get it. [Michael laughs] Why are you giggling? Is this a joke? [Michael continues to laugh] Michael, is this- did I get the job? Pam pam [laughing] Yes, you did. Michael michael I did? Pam pam Yep. Michael michael For real, you're not kidding? Pam pam No, you-no. Michael michael I did? Pam pam No, you're the best person for the job. You're going to be great. Michael michael Oh, Michael, thank you. Thank you. Pam pam [laughing] Oh, oh! Michael michael Thank you. You will not be sorry. Pam pam You should have seen your face. Oh man! Oh, that was classic. Michael michael Oh. [laughing] I really thought I didn't get it. Pam pam Oh, really? Michael michael Yeah. 'Cause you said I didn't Pam pam Oh, man. That was really good. That was really good. Michael michael What about Ryan? Pam pam I don't know, I offered him his temp job back. We'll see. He was not happy at all when I offered him this job and then I told him he didn't get the job, so- Michael michael Yeah. Maybe you shouldn't fake fire people anymore. Pam pam I don't appreciate you telling me what to do. So clean out your desk, you are through here. Michael michael Thanks, Michael. Pam pam Oh! What's our receptionists name? Michael michael Erin. Pam pam Could you send her in? Michael michael [opens door] Erin. Michael wants to see you. Pam pam Hello. Michael michael Hi. Erin erin Have a seat. Michael michael This is very difficult to say, but no one here like you in the office and we are going to have to let you go. [pick up phone] Hank, could you come up here please? Hank is our security guard- Michael michael Oh, I can go. Erin erin He will be ushering you out. [starts laughing] Michael michael Oh! Erin erin Oh, your face! Oh! Michael michael Is-do the people- Erin erin No, I'm kidding. No, you're not-you're not fired. Yet. Michael michael Oh! Erin erin Oh... Michael michael Do they not like me, though? Erin erin I don't know, actually. Michael michael Okay. Erin erin