[to webcam] Hello. My name's Oscar. I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I'm gay. And I'm here to tell you that yes- it does get better. When I was younger, um- Oscar oscar What's he doing? Phyllis phyllis He's searching out younger gays. Dwight dwight Oh. Phyllis phyllis No, it's just a way to tell young people, no matter how hard it gets for them, there's a brighter future ahead. Oscar oscar ...with you. [chuckles] Dwight dwight No matter how hard it gets for you, eh- Kelly, seriously, I- Oscar oscar Just keep chatting. I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam. Kelly kelly Do you not own a mirror? Oscar oscar Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies. Kelly kelly I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things. Pam pam I'm throwing out all my mirrors. Kelly kelly Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job at a dynamic workplace. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple- Oscar oscar No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by and have the gay youth of America misled by some reductionist- Robert robert It's not misleading. Oscar oscar -pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity as "normal." It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated. Robert robert Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you. [Robert backs into Kevin's nose] Ooh! [whimpers] Kevin kevin Ow! Damn it, Kevin! God! Robert robert You okay, Robert? Dwight dwight Fine. Robert robert Put some ice on it. Dwight dwight In any case, it gets better. [Kevin cries] Maybe- maybe not much better... but better. Oscar oscar One, two, three! Sasha sasha I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought, "muffin basket." Then I thought, "What's even more precious to people than muffins?" Dwight dwight Can you just smile, please? Jake jake I don't want to! Meredith meredith ...their own children. Dwight dwight Hey everybody, just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio. Darryl. We'd love to see little Jada come by. Angela? Why don't you bring by your little angel? Dwight dwight No thank you. Angela angela Jim, you've got those two cute kids. We sure would love to see them. Dwight dwight I know why you're doing this, Dwight. Jim jim Last week, I may have gone too far. I'll explain it quickly. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away Velcro. And... you can fill in the rest. Jim jim [Jim rips off his clothes] Wha-? [Stanley laughs] Damn it, Jim! Dwight dwight Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it's fair to be cautious. Jim jim Let me get this straight. You lost all of it. All your winnings. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Darryl darryl Bad economy. Bad investment. Hide hide You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for Asian homosexuals? Darryl darryl They did not. Calvin calvin And you got half a million of these? Well I gotta try it. Darryl darryl I wouldn't. Calvin calvin Aw, come on. What's the harm? [makes face] Mmm. What flavor was that? Darryl darryl Coconut penis. Hide hide The coconut's pretty subtle. Darryl darryl Come on, man. Can't you just give us a yes or a no? Calvin calvin I don't know, man. Y'all quit with a lot of confidence. I mean, it was like, y'all came up in here dancing and everybody was- [sees Val] ooh, hold on a second. [sees Brandon] Oh. Darryl darryl If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon. Then I would date the hell out of me. I wouldn't give in to me too fast, let me buy myself some nice dinners and such. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself. Darryl darryl [wearing janitor outfit] Hi guys. Andy andy How's it going, man? Jim jim [whimpering] I'm- I'm good, thank you. And how are you? Andy andy Great, yeah, good. Jim jim Oh, how the mediocre have fallen. Gabe gabe Oh God. Nellie nellie Look, I'm not here to get my old job back. I had my opportunity, I blew it, I'm moving on. I just wanted to come in here and literally beg you for something, anything. I will sweep the floors, water the plants... Andy andy No, you don't understand- Nellie nellie Clean the toilets. Andy andy I don't need anyone to- Nellie nellie Pull the poop out of the toilets. Andy andy That's not even a thing. Nellie nellie Just, please... Andy andy Andy. Nellie nellie Please! Andy andy Andy. Nellie nellie Give me something! Andy andy Why don't you clean the carpets for today? Nellie nellie Thank you. Andy andy You're welcome. Up you get then. Pick yourself up. There it is. Nellie nellie Thank you. Andy andy You don't need to- Nellie nellie I have a delicious secret. Andy andy Good, good. This carpet's overdue for a good mopping. Creed creed Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet? Jim jim Yeah, it is actually. Andy andy Mmm, I can't hold it in any longer. Um, I am faking this, okay? Because I convinced David Wallace to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre. And at three o'clock today he's gonna walk in here and reinstate me as manager. Andy andy [enters with the kids] Family picture! Pam pam Pam? No! Jim jim What? Honey, we talked about this. Pam pam No, we talked about not bringing them in to Dwight's photo studio slash trap. Jim jim Yes, and then we decided that was crazy. Pam pam No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it. Jim jim No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember? Pam pam Nope. Jim jim We decided that there's no way Dwight would harm a child. Pam pam But are you a hundred percent sure? I don't think any of us are. Jim jim No, no. Pam pam Nope. Jim jim But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them. Pam pam That's- Jim jim Yes! Pam pam That's- Jim jim And we'll make sure Dwight doesn't do anything C-R-A-Z-Y. Pam pam Okay. Jim jim Wait, C-R-A-Z... Kevin kevin Great, right up there. Dwight dwight Yeah? Pam pam Yeah. You just sit right here. Here we go. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Alright. Why don't you just- Jim jim Oh, great. Thank you. Pam pam -give him to me and... perfect. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam This is great. Jim jim You ready? Pam pam Excuse me. Jim jim There we go. Pam pam Just do it. Jim jim I'll just stand here? Pam pam Yeah, just keep your eye on Dwight, great. Jim jim Sir, could you look into the camera? Photographer photographer Let's do it, shoot it. Jim jim Sir. Photographer photographer Great. Jim jim Up here. [whistles] Dwight dwight Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jim jim Jim, right here, right here. [snaps fingers] Okay, good. Dwight dwight Oh, so that's it? Jim jim That's it. Dwight dwight See? That wasn't so hard. Pam pam Cute kids, thanks for coming. Dwight dwight Hello, Erin. Hello, everybody. Senator Lipton senator-lipton Uh, what? Why? Uh, hi honey. What- how are you doing? Angela angela Hi, you know, my office got a call that they were shooting family portraits right here. And if there's one thing that every politician instinctively understands, it's a good photo op. Senator Lipton senator-lipton [laughs] Yeah. Phyllis phyllis Heh. Angela angela Okay, you're going to go through the hallway. Here's a map. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line. [points to line on floor] Erin erin Thanks. Senator Lipton senator-lipton Well, well, well. Senator Lipton, welcome. Angela. Dwight dwight Dwight. Angela angela Nice to see you. May I hold him? Dwight dwight Sure. Senator Lipton senator-lipton No. I am going to hold him because I haven't seen him all day. Angela angela I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to, um, get a sample of my baby's DNA to prove he's the father. Which... is impossible... because the senator is the only man I've ever been with. Angela angela [Phillip cries] See the duckie! Angela angela Okay, hold on for a second, folks. A few of the baby's hairs are out of place. Dwight dwight Oh, thank you. Senator Lipton senator-lipton [slaps Dwight's hand away] No. No. I like the baby's hair the way it is. Angela angela Really? Dwight dwight This is getting more and more delicious by the minute. [gargles alcohol, chokes, coughs] It's go time. Andy andy Hey Nellie, I made soup - I made you some soup. Andy andy Well, I don't want any soup. Nellie nellie But it's really good- [drops soup] Oh! Andy andy Oh come on, Andy! Nellie nellie I know this is going to be a great payoff. Erin erin A delicious moment. Andy andy But after you're manager, some of these images are going to be hard to shake. Erin erin Well, but it- Andy andy Just calibrate. Okay? Calibrate. Erin erin Okay, here we go. Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw a wrench in the works, but I want everything to be perfect and the baby's fingernails are just bothering me- Dwight dwight Uh-uh, leave us alone. Angela angela I guess we're okay with the fingernails. Senator Lipton senator-lipton Okay, great. Suit yourself. Although, are those excess skin cells on the baby's cheek distracting to you as well? Dwight dwight Dwight, we're fine! Angela angela Oopsie, did somebody make a boopsie? Senator Lipton senator-lipton Oh no. [laughs] Angela angela I'm just gonna take him out and change him just for a second. Senator Lipton senator-lipton He defecated, aw. Dwight dwight You're stinky. Senator Lipton senator-lipton A lot has changed since y'all left, okay? You're gonna have to jump through some hoops. And the new foreman is here. Now she's one of the best we've ever known, okay? So I need you to show her your upmost respect. Make sure she feels welcome and at home, okay? Can you do that? Darryl darryl That's some pretty blatant complementing you're doing there, man. I don't even talk to her like that. Brandon brandon Uh, Brandon? Val val I would. Darryl darryl You would? Brandon brandon Yeah. Darryl darryl Sounds like you're trying to hit on my girlfriend. Brandon brandon Calm down, he's not. Val val Yes, I am. Just so everyone's on the same page. Darryl darryl [scoffs] So you really think she's gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant for a dude who ate his own restaurant? Brandon brandon Brandon! Val val Good slam. Darryl darryl Thank you, Biggie. Brandon brandon Good luck to you. Darryl darryl Oh, and have a burger for me. Brandon brandon Okay, shall we take a few more? Senator Lipton senator-lipton I think we have all the shots we need. Thank you, Dwight. Angela angela Okay. There we go. Senator Lipton senator-lipton No! Dwight! Give me the diaper! Dwight! Angela angela Is this what you were looking for? Huh? Huh? Dwight dwight Andy, we wanted to talk to you. A lot of us are very concerned about you. Toby toby You're dirty, you stink of booze, you're limping inexplicably. Nellie nellie I just want you guys not to worry. 'Cause old Andy's gonna be just fine. Andy andy No, no, see? This is what we're talking about. I mean, what was that accent? And last time I checked, you were drunk and now you're not drunk... Jim jim No, unfortunately it's true. He's been a nightmare. And the worst part is, he's been taking it out on me. Erin erin What? Nellie nellie You hit her? Pam pam No. That is not the deal. Calibrate. Andy andy He's not hitting me. But, he's been verbally abusing me- Erin erin That's not true either! That's also total- Everyone, please relax. I think you're gonna like this surprise guest. Andy andy [enters] Happy birthday to Gabe! Gabe gabe Oh, get out, skeleton man! Nellie nellie I can refer you to someone to talk to. Toby toby [his phone rings] Huh? Hold on. Andy andy Give you a name or- Toby toby I just gonna- quick- [answers phone] Hello? Hey, what's the scoop? Are you close? What? No. no, no, no, no, no. You have to come now. Traffic clears? No, next Friday... that's not gonna work. Okay. Yeah. Okay. [inhales, hangs up] Damn it! Well, this is not going to be quite as delicious as I wanted, but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys. Not only am I not a lowly janitor, I am the regional manager once again! Guys, I got my old job back! Andy andy Oh boy. Jim jim Oh, Andy. Pam pam What? Oscar oscar I'm not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back. Andy andy David Wallace hasn't worked here in years. Oscar oscar Okay, yes, I see the confusion. I saw David at the fundraiser. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum "Suck It" to the U.S. military. Andy andy Andy, come on. Jim jim Even I know that's weird. Kevin kevin I- I- Okay, I get how that sounds crazy. Andy andy Hey, Andy, Nobody's calling you crazy, Andy. We're your friends, Andy. Toby toby Stop saying my name. Andy andy No, he's not making this up. Erin erin Thank you, Erin. Andy andy Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time. Erin erin But have you ever actually seen him yourself? Pam pam Oh my God. Erin erin Erin, come- Come on. You know I've been talking to David Wallace. Andy andy Do you see David Wallace in the room right now? Toby toby [into phone] Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready. Dwight dwight Now you look at me like you're adoring me, I'm gonna look at the camera like I don't even know you're there. Kelly kelly I do adore you. Ravi ravi Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this. Robert robert Yeah, I know. Andy andy Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen. [drinks coconut penis energy drink] Why'd they add coconut? I miss original. Robert robert Hey. Jim jim Hey! Others others Hey guys, long time. David Wallace david-wallace David, what are you doing here? Pam pam Is it true you're buying the company? Phyllis phyllis Okay, I guess the word is out. Uh, please keep this a secret, but yes, I've been talking with Andy- David Wallace david-wallace What? Thought I heard my name. What? I'm the new manager? Andy andy I'll get to that in a second, Andy. David Wallace david-wallace But it's- it is- it is me? Right? Andy andy Yes, as we've discussed- David Wallace david-wallace What? Andy andy But it's very possible- David Wallace david-wallace Oh my God! Andy andy Probable. David Wallace david-wallace Wow. From janitor to manager? Andy andy Yep. David Wallace david-wallace That's quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to M-V-P. Andy andy There's an official announcement, a few details to be- David Wallace david-wallace From total loss to total boss, I mean- Andy andy Can we expect any payroll interruptions? Stanley stanley Now that is a great question, Stanley. Right now I think all your operations or most of your operations are pretty much down in Florida, so to shift back up- David Wallace david-wallace I was so looking forward to that and it did not... go as I thought it would. Andy andy So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore? Phyllis phyllis Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company. David Wallace david-wallace Oof. [laughs] Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. [laughs] I'm actually the CEO. Robert robert Ah, I didn't realize you were standing there. David Wallace david-wallace Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess. Robert robert Well, okay. Great to meet you. David Wallace david-wallace Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis. Robert robert Pleasure. David Wallace david-wallace I'd love to give you a little rundown on what I've learned about this place. Robert robert That's very gracious of you, Bob. I would love that. David Wallace david-wallace Please. [laughs] Robert robert Guess I'd better take off these dirty rags. Figure out how to be a manager of this place. Andy andy Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy. Jim jim Gosh, I hope so. Andy andy No! God, Mose! God! Angela angela Hi, Angela. Mose mose Get out of the car! Get out! Where is he? Angela angela I'm not supposed to say. Mose mose Yes! [slaps Mose] Tell me! Tell me where he is! Mose, damn it! Where did he go? Mose! Get back here! Angela angela [taking photo with Jada] Let's see that smile. Go on. [waves to Val] Darryl darryl [stands next to him] Right here? Val val Cool. Darryl darryl Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all. Andy andy May I say one thing? Nellie nellie It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever's on your mind. Andy andy The quality of mercy is not strained. Nellie nellie No. Andy andy It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath. Nellie nellie Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card? Andy andy It blesseth he who gives and he who takes. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest. Nellie nellie I just want one mother[bleep] delicious moment. Is that too much to ask? Andy andy If I were to hire you back. If. What do you think you would do well? Andy andy Special projects manager, that's my background. I just go around doing whatever I want. Nellie nellie All right, you sly bastard. When can you start? Andy andy Okay everyone. I had a conversation with Bob, and since I am going to be CEO now there'll be no need for him. David Wallace david-wallace Ouch. That's gotta hurt! Meredith meredith But, he is going to be making so much money from the liquidation, he's gonna be freed up to do something much more important. David Wallace david-wallace David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause that's very dear to me. So, for the next three years, I'll be travelling overseas, concentrating all of my efforts on educating- mentoring, some African, some Asian, but mainly Eastern European women. Robert robert I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob explained it to me. David Wallace david-wallace Oprah Winfrey's leadership academy and other schools like it, while wonderful, end with high school. I want to see these girls right through college, especially the gymnasts. They've lost so many years of crucial education to perfecting their bodies. Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom. Robert robert Gymnasts? You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts? Andy andy Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify some truly exceptional women who show great promise. Well, Andy, it's been fun. Robert robert Mm. Mm-hmm. [they hug, Robert kisses him on the lips] Andy andy It's been a great year. Robert robert Hello. Dwight dwight Where is it? Angela angela They're testing it now. Dwight dwight How long does it take to get the results? Angela angela Seventy-two hours. Dwight dwight You're gonna wait here? Angela angela Yes. [Angela sits and holds his hand] Dwight dwight [Dwight kisses her] Dwight, I can't do this. Dwight! Angela angela Hey. Senator Lipton senator-lipton Senator Lipton. Hey, how are you? Oscar oscar You didn't call. Senator Lipton senator-lipton Um, well, uh, the issue that I- that concerned me... Oscar oscar You know what this is about. [covers Phillip's eyes] Call. Senator Lipton senator-lipton