[humming] What the hell? No. This is NOT happening. Stanley stanley Didn't you get the memo? It's Stairmageddon! [claps and opens the door to the stairwell] Come on Stanley! [claps] Erin erin Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, and he was really on top of it. Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign. The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically, for a day that hopefully comes once in a 100 years. It's a... "Mageddon!" Erin erin Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it! Erin erin [growls] I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they're making me climb Stair Mountain! Stanley stanley Come on! [claps] Erin erin Our office has an unusually large number of... unusually large people. Oscar oscar This is an abomination. Stanley stanley Come on. You got this. Here. Erin erin So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time. Oscar oscar Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in. Andy andy What? Oscar oscar I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. There's a review of the documentary! Andy andy [gasps] What does it say? Phyllis phyllis I don't know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, "Red Alert." Andy andy Well, the alert was already set to "Red" because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to "Double Red"? Dwight dwight I think we should. Andy andy [drinks a 5-Hour Energy shot and groans] Stanley stanley "The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scranton's own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!" Oscar oscar Whoo! [applause] Everyone everyone "In this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. There's Kevin Malone, the falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get." Nellie nellie What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news...thing. Dwight dwight "Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child-slash-middle manager, whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy." Nellie nellie Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that's-. Phyllis phyllis It's okay. [chuckles] The hell does he know? Andy andy "A possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent." Nellie nellie I want you to print that out for me. Andy andy I will. Nellie nellie Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb. Andy andy "Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values." Erin erin Oh! Which public figure? Nellie nellie I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years. Erin erin No, I think they mean more like a politician. Phyllis phyllis [walks into the office grunting and wheezing] You own the building. Why can't you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee? Stanley stanley Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience. You should have called me from downstairs. We could've met in the lobby. It's time to go out on a sale! Here we go. Dwight dwight Son, you've lost your mind. I'm not going anywhere until you fix my elevator. Stanley stanley The buyer is your sister's friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming, and that's an order. Dwight dwight You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars, five creams. Stanley stanley Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up. Pete pete Well, we won't be late. I love you, mom. Thanks. Pam pam Oh, your mom's watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to? [chuckles] Oh, um, Embassy Suites. "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. Mommy and Daddy are on the floor. Nellie nellie [laughs] I wish. Pam pam [chuckles] What, then? Nellie nellie Oh, nothing that exciting. Pam pam Marriage counseling? Nellie nellie Hmm. Pam pam Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had? Nellie nellie You know, Jim's kind of nervous about it, but I think it could really help. Pam pam Mmm. Nellie nellie I mean, we've having issues. It can't hurt to talk about them, right? Pam pam Hey, Toby. Um, I wanted to ask you a question. Jim jim Oh, sure. Toby toby It's a little, uh, personal. Jim jim Let's do it. Let's get personal. Toby toby I wanted to talk to you about your divorce. Jim jim Whoa. Toby toby Sorry. I--no, no, no, what I meant--what I meant actually was-- Jim jim Oh, yeah, no, it's okay. I can handle it. Um, so... Toby toby You guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to it. Jim jim [chuckles, snorts] Toby toby Okay. I was wondering if you ever did any couple's counseling. Jim jim Oh, sure, lots of times. Yeah. Wait, you and Pam aren't in couple's counseling, are you? Oh, God. Toby toby No, no, no, no, no. Uh, we're just starting couple's counseling. Uh, which doesn't sound any better. Jim jim Oh, you guys. Kelly called it. 2013. So s--hey! Hey! Hey, no! No! Get outta here. Clark, get outta here. Toby toby My mistake. Clark clark Yes, it is your mistake. He's lingering. So annoying. I'm gonna kill him. How can I help? I'm here. Toby toby That's all right. Jim jim Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars. Yes, I'll hold. I'm sorry. I misunderstood. Goodbye. [hangs up phone] Andy andy Thank you, Stan. Oh, honey. [Stan closes limo door] Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. Ribbon cuttings, charity balls. Angela angela Don't worry. I've scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on. Robert robert All right, if I have to be the good wife, I'll be the best damn wife there is. Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry, I'm a better wife than that. [sighs] Angela angela Andy--[knocks] I need to talk to you. Dwight dwight Yeah, come on in. I'm just on hold with another talent agency. It's insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there's more. 251. 252. I can't even keep up! Andy andy Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call. Dwight dwight [grunts intensely] I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. That's final. Andy andy So what I'm hearing you say is, "Make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible"? Dwight dwight Yes! I'm sorry I'm being curt, it's just I'm about to land a top talent agent. Andy andy Mm-hmm. Good luck. Dwight dwight [on the phone] Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory. Andy andy For five years I've held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go. It's kind of painful, but it's also freeing in a way. Now it's all about my instincts. Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight. Clark clark Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale. Dwight dwight Pass. Stanley stanley Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next? Clark clark Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker. Dwight dwight Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you ha-- Stanley stanley [fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley] Dwight dwight Holy [bleep]. Clark clark No, you didn't. Sick of you and your--ooh-- Stanley stanley [fires tranquilizer gun twice] Dwight dwight [falls to the floor with a loud thud] Stanley stanley It's all right. Andy approved it. Dwight dwight Man, he's really in twinkle town now. Meredith meredith Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him? Clark clark Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do. Dwight dwight You gave him three shots. Clark clark Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to. [claps] Grab his feet. [grunts] Let's go! Dwight dwight All right. Clark clark Move it! One, two, three. [grunts] Dwight dwight He's like a manatee. Ready? Let's go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! [Stanley's head hits the door frame] Oh, God. No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain. Dwight dwight We gotta get a wheelbarrow or something. Clark clark Yes. Dwight dwight [grunts] Okay, we're good. We're good. Let's go. Push! Dwight dwight I am! Clark clark Any good weekend plans? Clark clark I might see a movie. Dwight dwight Nice. Clark clark What about you? Dwight dwight Uh, I don't know yet. Clark clark [grunts] Let's take him-- Dwight dwight I was thinking about... Clark clark Let's go right to the top of the stairs, okay? Dwight dwight And then what? Clark clark Okay, listen. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I've never actually done this before. Dwight dwight Well, if I may, you're a natural. Clark clark Thank you. I mean, I've rehearsed it in my head like 1,000 times, but, uh... Dwight dwight That's a little weird. Clark clark I know. Evel Knievel. Dwight dwight [wraps tape around Stanley's body] Dwight dwight [connect helmet straps around Stanley's head] That's about as good as that's gonna be. Clark clark Okay, now here's the plan. I'm gonna launch him. I need you to go to the bottom and catch him. Dwight dwight Catch? Clark clark Yeah. Dwight dwight I can't catch him. He's like, 250 pounds. Clark clark You use your hands and just blunt his descent, okay? He's gonna be moving slowly. It's only-- Dwight dwight Blunt? Clark clark It's 15 feet down, it's at a 45-degree angle. Get set in your haunches, it's like your catching a medicine-- Dwight dwight Dude, this size of my haunches-- [Stanley's body slips down the stairs and his head thumps into a wall] Clark clark Okay. Good call. He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall. Dwight dwight We should probably call a doctor or something, dude. Clark clark [slides down the stairs and lands next to Stanley] You okay? Dwight dwight So how does it work? It's like, you know, the action of talking to a third party breaks up the log jam, or... Jim jim You're really there to talk to each other. I would say that the therapist is more of a facilitator. Toby toby Mm-hmm. Jim jim He might start by asking each of you, "Why do you think you're here?" Toby toby He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. At a certain point, he shouldn't be rewarded for that. Pam pam If I didn't do certain things without telling Pam, she'd be married to Roy. [chuckles] Jim jim I feel like he's always making these decisions for the family, and then I'm left playing catch-up. Pam pam If she can just hang on for a little while longer, I--this will be so huge for our family. Jim jim Well, what's a little while? Toby toby What do you mean? Jim jim I mean, what's the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn't know when it's gonna end. Toby toby That's kind of an impossible question. Jim jim Oh, guys, it's starting! Hurry! Erin erin Ooh, there's Angela! I work with her! Kevin kevin Huh, yeah. [chuckles] I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but it's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act, so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it. Andy andy Her hair looks beautiful. Phyllis phyllis Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin' movie star! [kicks trash can] Andy andy Andy! Erin erin [on the computer screen] I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attest... I am gay. Robert robert [surprised chatter] Crowd crowd Senator, were always gay, or did your wife turn you gay? Reporter #1 reporter Question for the Senator's beard. Reporter #2 reporter [on the computer screen] I'll say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual. Robert robert Poor Angela. Pete pete Yeah. Poor Angela. Phyllis phyllis I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasn't until my marriage to Angela that I realized how...charmless I find the female body. Robert robert Oof. Always hurts to hear that one. Meredith meredith There's someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez. Robert robert Come on! Andy andy Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. For the first time-- Robert robert Oscar is with the Senator too? Erin erin Yes! And I knew it the whole time! I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didn't know, you didn't know, and you didn't freaking know. But I knew! [claps] Kevin kevin He knew! Oscar oscar Yes, we did it! Kevin kevin You did it, Kevin. Oscar oscar Yes! Ohh! I did it. Ohh, I did it. Kevin kevin -with this new self-awareness, I was finally able to find love at long last. With my amazing... Chief of Staff Wesley Silver. Robert robert What?! Oscar oscar Wesley Silver's gay? Creed creed [surprised chatter] Crowd crowd [gasps] Angela angela Ohh. Kevin kevin They make a nice couple. Creed creed [gags] Angela angela Almost there. Almost there. [opens car door] Okay. We're running late. Let's get him inside. Dwight dwight We can't just leave him bubble wrapped like this. Clark clark Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation. Dwight dwight That's actually really smart. Clark clark Thank you. Dwight dwight God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge. Clark clark Let's get him inside. Dwight dwight Carla Fern is not just an actor's agent. She does writers, directors, travel, and real estate. Andy andy Actor? Andy andy Oh, no. [chuckles] Well, I have an act. Dog, cat, mouse. Man man Yeah, wow, cool. Is it hard to train them to do that? Andy andy Eh, you go through a lot of mice. Man man If started by accident as these things tend to do. You know, I was setting down my cat, and I accidently put her on top of my dog, and I was, like, so mad at myself at first. And then I was, like, wait. Wait a second. Man man Does anything go on top of the mouse? Andy andy Yeah. Little hat. Man man Aw, that's cute. Andy andy Yeah. Man man What's the mouse's name? Andy andy Eh, you know, it really doesn't make sense to name the mice. They're kinda like cannon fodder, you know? You're not one of those PETA guys , are you? [cat jumps off dog] Oh, great. Man man Hey, wait, wait, how--how are we doing this? Clark clark Well, I'll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters. Dwight dwight Just say "arms" and "legs," okay? That just--that's the vernacular that I'm comfortable with. Clark clark Fine, let's go. [grunts] Dwight dwight [sighs] Clark clark Hoist his shank on three. Dwight dwight Wha--What's a shank? Clark clark It's by the tenderloin. Dwight dwight Roll him, roll him, roll him. Good. Good. Okay, careful, he's slouching. Okay, can you--sl-slouch him into the seat. [sighs] Here. Here. Go around and get his seatbelt. [grunts] Dwight dwight All right. Clark clark Got it? Dwight dwight Yeah--yup yup. Clark clark [grunts and closes car door] Get in the back. Dwight dwight What? Clark clark Get in the back. Dwight dwight Aw, come on. Clark clark Get in. Dwight dwight Damn it. Clark clark Okay, Stanley? Do you understand what we're about to do? Dwight dwight Helllloooo! Stanley stanley Okay. We, hey--hey, listen, listen. We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay? Clark clark Pigeons. Stanley stanley Oh, God, this is bad. Looks like we've got no choice. You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson. Dwight dwight Isn't the client, like, best friends with his sister? Clark clark New plan, okay? We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan. Let's go! Gimme a hand. Here we go. Come on, Stanley! Here we go. Upsie-doozie. There we go. Okay, all right. Come on, big guy. You can walk, right? Yeah. What a pretty smile. Let's go. Dwight dwight I'm sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I don't want him to do it anymore, and I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly. Pam pam Well, if Pam says she won't go, then--[chuckles] we're gonna need a lot more than counseling. Hmph. Jim jim That was exhausting. Nellie nellie Blah blah blah blah. Jim. Toby toby Well, they deserve each other, then. Nellie nellie They do. That they do. Toby toby That is for sure. Nellie nellie [whispers] That they do. Toby toby And for--oh, whoopsie daisy. [chuckles] Dwight dwight Stanley, what is going on here? Mrs. Davis mrs-davis He's fine. He gets carsick really easily. Dwight dwight Driving. Clark clark It's a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now we're talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates, right, Stanley? Dwight dwight Ooh-hoo, look at that baby... Stanley stanley Stanley. Dwight dwight Ohhh... Stanley stanley That's Benji in the middle. Mrs. Davis mrs-davis That's Benji. Oh, he's precious. That's a healthy-looking baby. Stanley stanley Very special little boy. Mrs. Davis mrs-davis Look at him. I've never seen such a beautiful child. Dwight dwight Funny sense of humor. If you push on his nose, he'll go, "eee." Mrs. Davis mrs-davis Like this? Watch. Dwight dwight Eee. Stanley stanley [laughs] Everyone everyone Like that. Mrs. Davis mrs-davis A beautiful family. Stanley stanley [laughs] Right? Come on! Dwight dwight Yeah, maybe I'll never be manager, but I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say, it's the most pleasant I've ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis. Dwight dwight So, what can you do? Carla Fern carla-fern [Australian accent] Well, what can't I do? Right, I can sing, I can dance, I can play the banjo, innit? And if you hadn't noticed, I've got a pretty good British accent. Andy andy Can you drive a car? Carla Fern carla-fern At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here. Andy andy Why do you have, uh, a high school musical here on your resume? What are you, like, 40? 45? Carla Fern carla-fern My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on. Andy andy Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap? Carla Fern carla-fern : Yes. And yes. [chuckles] Andy andy Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid's party, let 'em throw pies at ya? Carla Fern carla-fern Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. [sniffs] I'm all for it. Andy andy Well, Mr. Bernard, I'm gonna be honest with you. Carla Fern carla-fern Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much. Andy andy Uh, no. We're--we're gonna take you on as a client. Carla Fern carla-fern You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh, man. Ah, yes! I need this so bad. I really think this is what could fix me. Andy andy We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir. Pay Todd on your way out. Carla Fern carla-fern Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. And that includes headshots. Andy andy Uh, it doesn't include headshots. Todd todd It doesn't include headshots. Andy andy No. Todd todd Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. Still getting a bargain, though. Andy andy So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids, and we closed it? Stanley stanley You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn't even know it. I'll go tell Andy the good news. Oh. [chuckles] Silly me. Gotta take the stairs. Dwight dwight Oh, no, I'm not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up. Stanley stanley Well--no, no--n-- Dwight dwight [stabs his own leg with a tranquilizer dart and falls to the ground] Stanley stanley [stomps on the ground] We need a winch and a hoist. Dwight dwight