Uh oh. She's doing it again. Kevin kevin Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um... Pam pam It's porn. Clark clark Yeah. Pam pam [Phyllis rocks her chair into his provocatively] Seriously. Ugh. Ok, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment. Dwight dwight Why? Phyllis phyllis Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not OK to do this in public. Darryl darryl Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit. Pam pam Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish. Meredith meredith Ugh. Ew. Group group What? Andy andy Phyllis is masturbating. In the office right now as we speak. Dwight dwight Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her? Angela angela He- he can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it. Toby toby No! Group group Toby, how do you propose that we- Oscar oscar Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused? Andy andy She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Pam pam Well there you go. That's muy caliente. Andy andy OK, you are useless. I'll take care of this. [walks out of Andy's office and dumps water on Phyllis] Dwight dwight What the hell?! Phyllis phyllis It's OK guys, she's no longer horny. Dwight dwight Excuse me, dirty birdie [takes Phyllis' iPod] Andy andy Wait, what? Phyllis phyllis You can have this back at the end of the day. [cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused, water is dumped on him] Oh!! Andy andy Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles. Dwight dwight What's her name? Clark clark Esther Ruger. [Angela makes a face in the background] Dwight dwight Sweet. Clark clark Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres. Dwight dwight Oh yeah. Keep talkin'. Clark clark Well, we've been out three times, there has been physicality but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me. Dwight dwight Oh. Clark clark [laughs] What do you think? Dwight dwight The same thing that you think. Clark clark A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship. Dwight dwight God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air. Clark clark Here you go. And good for you Dwight, I'm so glad you found someone. I bet she's got kind eyes. Angela angela Dwight is dating a brussel sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart! [laughs] Angela angela [on phone] Cici has been calling me 'Pamela'. Like four times this week. Pam pam Oh man. [laughs] Jim jim I wonder if she'll start calling you 'Jim'. Pam pam Oh boy, please don't. Let's not let that happen. Jim jim [laughs] Um. Pam pam What was I gonna- What was I gonna say? Jim jim You're- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen? Pam pam Not that Ryan Howard. Um, the Phillies' first baseman. Jim jim Oh, oh OK. Pam pam Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Jim jim [sighs] Um, Ok. Well? Pam pam Yeah. So, uh, I'll uh, talk to you later? Jim jim Yeah, sounds good. Ok. Pam pam Ok great. Jim jim Ok. Pam pam Bye. Jim jim Bye. Pam pam [Meredith laughs] What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song? Kevin kevin There's a promo for the new documentary on the web. Oscar oscar Play it again. Phyllis phyllis [Music begins, Michael Scott is shown] The boss. [Pam and Dwight are shown in episodes past] The workers. [Ryan and Michael are shown] The lives. [Jim and Pam and Dwight and Angela are shown] The loves. [More flashback clips] The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA. Promo Voice promo-voice Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes. Kevin kevin This is a documentary? Oh, I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo. Kevin kevin [Angela is rewatching the promo and looks nervous about the part with her and Dwight] Did you see this? [lifts monitor in her direction] Kevin kevin Your screen is all black. You just unplugged your computer. Angela angela [Pam smiles as she watches the promo with her and Jim on the roof] Oh my god, is that you and Jim? Clark clark Uh huh. Pam pam Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? [laughs] Yikes. That is awful. Clark clark It wasn't so bad. Pam pam Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. "Banjo at 0:19 is aight" Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler? Andy andy Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert. Jim jim Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. Ryan ryan Hey, man. Darryl. Darryl darryl Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. [to camera] Eat Fresh. Ryan ryan Let's go to the conference room. Jim jim Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots. Dwight dwight I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth. Angela angela Did I tell you about her teeth? Dwight dwight Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper. Erin erin Yes. Angela angela Ah, the Ruger family. Welcome. Dwight dwight Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls. Mr. Ruger mr-ruger Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always. Dwight dwight Thank you. [Dwight kisses her forehead] Esther esther I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that....thing. Angela angela Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much. Pam pam [eating soft pretzel] We've all changed. Stanley stanley With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number. Jim jim And we all know, baseball does not last forever. Darryl darryl I look at these actors on TV and I think: "C'mon, I can do that." Ryan ryan Right? [laughs] Jim jim Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of? Ryan ryan Subway sandwiches. Darryl darryl Yep. Jim jim How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext. Ryan ryan Wow. Jim jim I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called "The Big Piece" Ryan ryan Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical. Jim jim Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard- Ryan ryan OK Jim jim -hits a home run into outer space. Ball comes back with space dust on it, which transforms him into: The Big Piece. Ryan ryan The space dust does it. Darryl darryl Space dust. Jim jim Yeah. Darryl darryl I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together. Ryan ryan Sure, yeah. [laughs] Hollywood. [Ryan Howard pulls out 3 thick scripts] Alright. Jim jim Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it. Darryl darryl Ok, great. Jim jim Andy, are there documentary groupies? Kevin kevin Of course there are! Andy andy Of course. Kevin kevin A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel [groups groans] was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen- Toby toby Oh, I don't care. Nellie nellie Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark. Oscar oscar Oh my god! Pam pam [Speaks Danish] Promo Announcer promo-announcer What was that word they said when they showed me "Skrald mand"? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy? [Oscar looks it up] Kevin kevin Dumpster Man. Oscar oscar Cool. Superhero. Kevin kevin What about me? "Klokken tre pige" Angela angela "Three PM Girl" Oscar oscar What? Why would they...wait a second, wait a second! What was that? [pauses on her and Dwight leaving the warehouse area where they've just had sex] Oh! I didn't know they were filming then! Angela angela It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves. Oscar oscar Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didn't know it? Phyllis phyllis Oh my god. [All look at camera horrified] Angela angela There was much more secret filming than I expected. [laughs] But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am. Angela angela Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage. Oscar oscar I am a very private person. I show 'em when I wanna show 'em. Who wants a taste? [lifts shirt to flash camera] Boob sauce! Meredith meredith No! Group group Meredith! Oscar oscar Come on! Angela angela Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping? Nellie nellie Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV! Oscar oscar Hey. Erin erin Oscar. Angela angela I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out. Oscar oscar I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you? Oscar oscar People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: "You guys are killing it!" I mean, we're internet sensations guys! Andy andy I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk. Angela angela Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea. [groups moves to warehouse and you can hear Erin whispering something] Stanley stanley Ok everyone, turn off your mikes. Oscar oscar We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape? Angela angela I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that? Erin erin My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more [Angela and Oscar make disgusted faces] I thought I'd get more screen time than anyone. Nellie nellie Ok, Pam. Why don't you visit your buddy, the crew guy that got fired? Find out what they got. Pete pete Brian? Pam pam Yeah. Pete pete Yeah, I guess I could. Pam pam Hurry Pam, I need to know how much hellfire is going to rain down on me. Stanley stanley I thought Terry knew about Cynthia? Phyllis phyllis She does. But neither of them know about Lydia. Stanley stanley Oh! Group group Wow. Meredith meredith Whoa! Whoa! OK, so what's this lever do? Clark clark That manipulates the secondary shaft. Ruger Sister #1 ruger-sister Oh, the secondary shaft. Eeeh, oooga! [laughs] Clark clark The lift capacity's up at two thousand pounds. That's a lot of beets. Salesmen salesmen Let's talk terms. If you agree to a forty sixty split on this tractor, I'll store it in one of my barns. Mr. Ruger mr-ruger Mr. Ruger, are you trying to take advantage of me because I'm interested in your daughter? Fifty fifty split or no deal. Dwight dwight Esther, get in the truck. Mr. Ruger mr-ruger Ok ok ok, wait! You win. [shakes hands] Dwight dwight Let's get the paperwork started. Salesman salesman We should buy an auger together. Ruger Sister #2 ruger-sister Oh, yeah. Yeah. Clark clark You would be a great one to buy an auger with. Ruger Sister #1 ruger-sister [on phone] Hello, honey? I just spoke to the TV repair man, he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months. Something about the wiring. Stanley stanley Oh! Seven new comments. "The guy at 0:19 is hawt!" [typing] "Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!"[reading] "He's not hawt, he's gay." [typing] "Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again." [reading] "He is hawt!" See, thank you, that's more like it. "He is butt." God dammit! I'm about to lose my FREAKING MIND! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh! Andy andy Security deposit. That's been- Dwight dwight Standard. Mr. Ruger mr-ruger Right, standard. Dwight dwight Hey, can I talk to you for one second? Clark clark No. Dwight dwight One second. Clark clark No. Dwight dwight One second. Clark clark I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate. Dwight dwight Don't do it. [takes Dwight's pen] Clark clark What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off. Dwight dwight Dude, we're being conned. Clark clark Go on. Dwight dwight These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor. Clark clark No. Dwight dwight Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her. Clark clark What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now? Dwight dwight I don't even know what an auger is! Clark clark No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is. Dwight dwight Hey, you ready to sign? Mr. Ruger mr-ruger I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me. [grabs Clark] Dwight dwight Oh, hey! Brian brian Hey! Pam pam Hi. [laughs] Brian brian Hi, um. I'm sorry, do you have a minute? Is this a bad time? Pam pam No, no, please, yeah, come on in. It's good to see you. Sorry, my place is usually not this- Brian brian Oh my gosh, please, don't. Pam pam Yeah, no, I- actually it's always like this. [laughs] Do you want to go outside? It's a little less cluttered out there. Brian brian Sure, yeah. Yeah. Pam pam Let me grab a couple drinks. Brian brian OK. [Goes out onto terrace] Oh wow, you have a nice view. Pam pam Alright, that's for you. [hands her beer] Brian brian Oh, thank you. Pam pam Cheers. Brian brian Cheers. Pam pam [Plays boom box to drown out sound] Alright, how much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the senator? Angela angela They caught us kissing on Halloween. Oscar oscar Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! [Slaps Oscar] Angela angela Oh! Oscar oscar God! Angela angela Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy! Oscar oscar Oh! [slaps him again] Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career. Angela angela Well, I don't like giving him bad news. Oscar oscar Call him! Angela angela You call him! Oscar oscar Call him! [hits Oscar] Angela angela Stop hitting me! Oscar oscar Call him! Call him! Angela angela No! Oscar oscar So... Brian brian So.. Pam pam What brings you by? Brian brian Well, the promo for the documentary aired today. Pam pam Oh yeah, that's right. Brian brian Yeah. It's kinda crazy. Pam pam Yeah, it is. Brian brian See all this like old stuff, like um, there's that shot of Jim and I up on the roof? Pam pam Oh yeah, that was, that was a good moment. Brian brian Yeah, wasn't that neat? Pam pam Yeah, it was cool. Brian brian Yeah, and there's this one when we were listening to music and it's like, it's like w were in love and we didn't even know we were in love and it's...but- Do you think Jim's changed? Pam pam Um... Brian brian I'm sorry. Did that? That was out of the blue- Pam pam No no, it's- Brian brian I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like he's- I just feel like...he's so into his work right now and....I don't know, am I crazy? Pam pam No, you're not crazy. Brian brian Well, I wish that made me feel better. Listen, so everybody saw the promos and they're kinda freaking out. [Brian laughs] Cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera- Pam pam Yeah. Brian brian You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see. And they kinda want to know how much. Pam pam They want to know how much what? Brian brian How much stuff you got. Pam pam Pretty much everything. Brian brian Well yeah, but what if we turned our mike packs? Pam pam They've got parabolic mikes, they can pick you up a hundred yards away, so...no if you were around there, they got you. Brian brian So we basically had no privacy for ten years. Pam pam That's not really true, I mean- Brian brian Um...yeah, I gotta, I gotta go. Pam pam Oh no, hang on a second. Pam, I'm sorry, I- I- I can explain this so much better. Brian brian No I think you explained it. Pam pam Look, if you give me a chance I can, I- [Pam leaves] Pam. Brian brian "Together we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh." Jim jim That'll pay for the exploding helicopter. Ryan ryan Smart. Jim jim "Suddenly, the evil thugs break in to the stadium. The Big Piece hits baseballs at the evil thugs." Ryan ryan "Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks." Jim jim Come on man, sell it! Ryan ryan Yeah, Jim. Darryl darryl [louder] "Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!" Jim jim Yeah, that's better. A bunch of hot women go: "Oh yeah!" Ryan ryan "Megan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you." Jim jim "They kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story." Ryan ryan Wow. I tell you what, it's really strong. I can't wait to read the rest of it later and see how it ends. Jim jim It's so strong. Darryl darryl Keep reading then. Ryan ryan "Gotta go! Darth Vader's launching a huge attack." Jim jim Um another thing. I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader. Ryan ryan I don't know how we'd go about doing that. Jim jim We can look into it. Darryl darryl We'll look into it. Jim jim We need Darth. Ryan ryan We gotta get him. Jim jim We'll go after Darth then. Darryl darryl We're gonna go get him. Jim jim That's what we gotta do. Darryl darryl We're gonna get him. Jim jim Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me. Dwight dwight A Scranton nine, but yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours huh? I mean there are no games with fours. Clark clark Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy. Dwight dwight Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way. Clark clark By hand. Dwight dwight Dwight, we need to talk. Esther esther I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther. Dwight dwight Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends. Esther esther No. Dwight dwight So you're going to be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles and he's pocketing a profit behind your back. Esther esther That snake! Dwight dwight You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine. Esther esther That shady grove out by Willard's pond. Dwight dwight Mmhm. Esther esther So, you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed? Dwight dwight Of course. [laughs] You didn't just think I was tractor bait, did you? Esther esther [laughs] No! Dwight dwight Hey Dwight, what's an auger used for? Clark clark Post hole digging. [points and laughs with Esther] Dwight dwight Stupid. Esther esther [On speakerphone] You've reached Senator Robert Lipton, please leave a message. [beep] Senator Lipton senator-lipton Hi honey! {Angela} & {Oscar} angela oscar Oh you? Oscar oscar No you go. Hi honey! Angela angela Hey, Hey Robert! Oscar oscar It's Angela and Oscar. Angela angela Hey. Oscar oscar Just a few quick things. Angela angela Um the documentary's going to be airing soon, and, and you look great in the promos. Oscar oscar Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential. Angela angela Very much so. Oscar oscar Yeah. Angela angela Absolutely. Oscar oscar Yeah! Angela angela Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay. Oscar oscar Yes and I cheated on you with Dwight, it looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it. Angela angela I think that's it! Oscar oscar I think we're good. Angela angela Done! Oscar oscar Bye! Angela angela Ok! Oscar oscar Love you! [Oscar hangs up] God. Angela angela [on video] Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out. [plays banjo, screen types out "you suck my nutz" from TexasPoonTappa, camera zooms out to reveal Nellie] Andy andy Good night Andy. Nellie nellie Huh? Yeah, see ya. [sees comment] Oh! What?! [starts crying] Andy andy [Speaks Danish] Promo Announcer promo-announcer I hope you got sound on everything. I'd love a DVD of that. [at computer opens translator. Types in "Elskere" which comes back as "lovers" Pam smiles] Pam pam