Hey Brian, you got a sec? Pam pam Yeah, hold on a sec. Brian brian I feel awful. Pam pam It's fine. It was my first slip up in nine years of miking you. [phone rings] Brian brian [in background] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Erin erin Well, thanks for being a good friend. Pam pam Sure, anytime. Uh, how about you and Jim? Everything squared away? Brian brian Yeah, mostly. Pam pam Pam, phone call. Erin erin Um, hey, say Hi to Alyssa. Pam pam Will do. Brian brian Okay. Thank you. Pam pam Sure. Brian brian Hey, boom guy. Meredith meredith Oh, hey Meredith. Brian brian When are you gonna boom me? Meredith meredith Uh, listen, they're cracking down on us talking to the subjects. It's a lame rule, but, you know, I wanna... I, I'll see you later. Brian brian Got it. Meredith meredith Hey, so I hear you're bringing in some people to interview for the sales job? Clark clark That's right, a couple of old friends. Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride. Dwight dwight Well, uh... see, you raised it. Clark clark Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did. Dwight dwight Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim's desk while he's away in Philly. Finally I'll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. It's like, "Really, Jim? You don't understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses." Wow. Dwight dwight You know what, man? I deserve this job. Clark clark Mm-hmm. Dwight dwight I scored Stone and Son Suit Warehouse with you, and God knows, to get the Scranton White Pages with Jan, I went above and beyond... and under. Clark clark You know what? You're gonna get your interview, okay? I know that you're going head-to-head against some real superstars, but you got a really good chance. Dwight dwight Clark has no chance. I mean, he's up against my buddy Rolf, for God's sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor - he'll make you laugh so hard, you'll puke your pants. Dwight dwight This sucks, you know? You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal. You know, I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome. Clark clark Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam. Dwight dwight You could've just called that an alliance too, right? Jim jim I chose my words very carefully. Dwight dwight Things are a little delicate with me and Pam right now. And if my working in Philly is gonna end up doubling the Dwight in her life, that's only gonna make things worse. Jim jim [sighs] You interviewing for the sales job too? Clark clark No. You're interviewing for it. I'm getting it. Rolf rolf Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that. I mean, I've been working here 12 weeks. That's a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we've seen. Clark clark I'm Rolf. Rolf Ahl. Rolf rolf Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl. Clark clark Go to hell. Rolf rolf There he is. Clark clark Hey. Come on, buddy. Let's do this. Sorry, Rolf goes first. You don't compare. When you're with the R-O-L-F, you're literally Rolling on the Laughing Floor. [laughs] Dwight dwight Nice. Rolf rolf Rolf is my best friend, and he is the man. Cool, calm, and collected 24/7. Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy. Dwight dwight When are you talking to David Wallace? Pam pam I'm talking to him this afternoon, but don't get your hopes up. Jim jim Too late. My hopes are up. Pam pam Last week, my company in Philly lost a big investor, so we're scrambling to find new funding. Luckily, my partners have a fix - me asking the boss of the company I'm abandoning to give us a gigantic influx of cash. So... problem solved. Thanks, guys. Jim jim And this chair's gonna be yours. And this desk. Ha! Dwight dwight I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. Jim jim No doy! Dwight dwight I'm just gonna call you back. Thanks. Jim jim [Dwight knocking on desk] None none I hope you like Norwegian black metal, because I don't do earbuds. Rolf rolf [laughs] No earbuds! [both laugh] Dwight dwight I'm sure he's just nervous. Jim jim [sighs] It's fine. It's just a seating arrangement. Doesn't matter. Pam pam So I've got your resume here, but it's not telling me everything. Dwight dwight Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know you're qualified to evaluate me? Rolf rolf Well, I'm the one offering the job. Dwight dwight What are your credentials? Rolf rolf I've worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. I'm an Assistant to the Regional Manager. Dwight dwight I think I've heard everything I need to hear. Rolf rolf Wait, wait, wait, no, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. I'm sure he'd give a reference. Dwight dwight Thank you, Dwight. I'll be in touch. Rolf rolf Well, they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next and he's a real professional. You say, "Jump," and he says, "Oh who?" He loves to jump on people, that Trevor. Dwight dwight What makes you think you'd be an effective paper salesman? Dwight dwight Ooh, okay. Didn't see that one coming. Can I take a 20 on that? Maybe we can circle back around to it. Trevor trevor Well, it's a pretty basic question for a potential paper salesman. Dwight dwight Pass. Next one. Trevor trevor All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter? Dwight dwight No, no and no. Trevor trevor There were only two options. Dwight dwight Checkmate. You win this one, my friend. Do you validate parking? Trevor trevor This is a bus transfer. Dwight dwight [chuckles] Nothing gets by this guy. Trevor trevor Hey Jim, do you mind if I look over these price sheets before my interview? Clark clark Sure, yeah, go ahead. Jim jim Thanks, dude. You--you sure it's okay? 'Cause you're kinda-- Clark clark Yeah, absolutely. Do people like sitting next to you? You're clean, right? Jim jim Oh, Dove Men. Clark clark Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You don't listen to it at all because we're at work, not a Florence and the Machine concert, so-- Jim jim Yeah, could I just have a minute to prepare for this? Clark clark Sure, yeah. Do whatever you need to do. Jim jim Thanks, dude. Clark clark Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face. Jim jim Why? Clark clark I need you to breathe in my face right now. Jim jim [exhales] Clark clark What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen? Jim jim Wintergreen. Clark clark I knew it, I knew it. Jim jim Yeah, good nose. Clark clark I looked at you coming around, and I said, "Wintergreen." Jim jim I can't hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly. Dwight dwight Okay, here's one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You can't rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party. Dwight dwight That's just a classic no-win situation. Clark clark Thank you. Dwight dwight So I'd Kobayashi Maru it. Clark clark Damn it! Perfect answer, again. Dwight dwight Yep. Clark clark Think Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond ... Dwight dwight You know what, Dwight? Clark clark And anoth-- Dwight dwight This interview's over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maru'd the whole process. Clark clark No. Dwight dwight Yeah. Star Trek rules. Clark clark It does, but still no. Dwight dwight Come on, man. I mean, did Trevor do that? Did Rolf do that? Clark clark Oh, you think they're my only friends? I've got way more friends than that, and they're all better than the losers who work here. Dwight dwight [all murmuring] None none This is not natural. Stanley stanley Just - I don't wanna make assumptions based on people's physical appearances. Oscar oscar Well, of course not, but does physical appearance include smell? Pam pam They smell so bad. Darryl darryl If I ever get that bad, you'd tell me, right? Meredith meredith Meredith, I tell you all the time. Kevin kevin [chuckles] Walked right into that one. Meredith meredith Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He's got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I've got big expectations, Mose-wise. Dwight dwight What quality would make you a good sales associate? Dwight dwight People person. Mose mose It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical. Dwight dwight That's right. Mose mose You know we live together, right? Dwight dwight Yes. Mose mose And I've never seen you go to work, ever. Dwight dwight Okay. Mose mose So why is this on your resume? [door slams] Dwight dwight So how'd you guys hear about the position? Clark clark My--my mom. Gabor gabor Dwight called my house, but he didn't realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarrelling because I- I can't stay out of her stuff. Nate nate Dwight's my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower. Zeke zeke You were in the shower or he was in the shower? Clark clark Everyone was in the shower. It's a cow shower, so there's like, a ton of people in there. Zeke zeke So you guys all know Dwight already? Clark clark I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby. Melvina melvina I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school. Gabor gabor You went to X-Men school too? [exhales] Melvina melvina X-Men school? Clark clark When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out. Dwight dwight Oh, I have a few powers. Night hearing. Dogs understand where I point. And our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation Levi's. A lot of telemarketing. Gabor gabor I don't want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something. Angela angela I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn't work then. And now look what he's doing to us. Stanley stanley Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault. Nellie nellie How is it my fault? Jim jim Here's an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others. Nellie nellie But it's Dwight who's bring in all the weirdos. Jim jim Yeah, but Jim, Dwight's a weirdo. We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos. Oscar oscar Hey, I'm the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when Jim's away. I'm in a position where I'm rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong. [sighs] Forget it. I need to work on my mural. I have some pointy trees that I need to round off. Pam pam [on phone] Hey Jim, I thought our call was for later. David Wallace david-wallace Yeah, this is actually about the new sales guy. Uh, Dwight has brought in a bunch of real weirdos. And I was wondering if I could have some input-- Jim jim [presses speaker button] This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And don't lie. I can tell if you're lying. Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight. It's David. David Wallace david-wallace David. Dwight dwight Jim says he'd like some say in the hiring process. David Wallace david-wallace Really? That's interesting. 'Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time, he might not be as invested in the decision-making process as someone like me who's here every day. And frankly, killing it lately. Dwight dwight I was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk, near my wife-- Jim jim Jim, another thing. Since we are gonna have to hire this junior sales associate to cover for you, I am going to have to pay you only for the days that you actually work. David Wallace david-wallace Oh. Um... Jim jim Yeah. David Wallace david-wallace Okay. I can't say that that's not fair. Jim jim Sounds fair to me, David. Dwight dwight And I know we have a call scheduled for later - David Wallace david-wallace Oh, yeah, so we'll just do that later. Jim jim No. Why not do it now? Dwight dwight Yeah. What's up Jim? David Wallace david-wallace Uh... [clears throat] Well, it's about Athlead. I'm sorry. Does Dwight have to be on this part of the phone call? Jim jim I'd love to be in the loop, David. Dwight dwight It's okay. Go ahead, Jim. David Wallace david-wallace There's a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor - Jim jim Okay. Jim, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. David Wallace david-wallace Yes, okay. Bye. Jim jim [whispers] I'd love to invest. Dwight dwight No, thanks. Jim jim I'd like to give you $100 million. [snickers] [phone ringing] Dwight dwight Why you make trees into bushes? You don't make paper from bushes. Hide hide Hide, they're giving out jobs upstairs. Why don't you go up and get one? Pam pam Thank you. Hide hide Yeah. Pam pam [hand dryer whirring] None none Whoops. Troy troy [patting Darryl's hair] It's dense. Like bread. Zeke zeke Dwight, you can't just hire someone 'cause they're your friend. Jim jim I'm not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend. Dwight dwight They're freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks. Nellie nellie You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero. Dwight dwight Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating. Darryl darryl Man, how cool is it gonna be when I start working here? Paintball fights at lunch. Rolf rolf Mandatory paintball. Uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch. Dwight dwight Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of 'em, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof. Dwight dwight Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this. Dwight dwight Do you want this paper? Rolf rolf I sure do. Dwight dwight It's not very good. Rolf rolf I will pay you whatever it takes. Dwight dwight I think I wanna keep it now. It must be pretty special if you want it so bad. Rolf rolf No, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. So here, just take my money. Dwight dwight Stop trying to get my paper buddy. Okay read my lips. It's over. Rolf rolf Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. You're still at the 570 number? Dwight dwight I am. Rolf rolf Okay. Good, good, good. [sighs] Dwight dwight I have eight years experience selling electronics in Sanyo store in downtown Tokyo. I was a doctor. And I have a business degree from Tokyo University. Hide hide This isn't gonna work out. Dwight dwight Thank you. [chuckles] Hide hide Nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps; hearing, vision, basic cognition. Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires. Troy is literally one of a kind. He's a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. And yet I'm hesitant. Why can't I pull the trigger on any of them? Dwight dwight [groaning] No, no, no. I just need to tell them. I just need to tell them. [knock at door] Dwight dwight Do you need to be changed? Melvina melvina I do that myself now. Dwight dwight Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I've been double-parked for five hours. I'm wondering if I should move my car. Melvina melvina No, you've been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes. Dwight dwight Well, the joke's on them. I live right next to the tow yard. All they did was save me some gas. Melvina melvina Hey man, we get how difficult this is. And no matter how you choose, we're still gonna be your friend. Trevor trevor Yeah, whether it's me or Troy Underbridge, or Gabor, or Melvina-- Rolf rolf Or none of you [chuckles] Dwight dwight Yeah, you'd bring us all down here, put us through the wringer and then choose none of us. Rolf rolf Can you imagine how insulting that would be? The contempt that a person like that would have to have for you. Trevor trevor I wish I could hire all of you. Dwight dwight I could start Monday. Zeke zeke Psst. Jim Jim? [whispering] Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Dwight dwight Ahh, I love staring off in one direction. If I'm not looking south, I'm not livin'. That's what I always say. Jim jim Just act natural. [grunts] Dwight dwight And I was thinking it's only fair that you help make this decision since they'll be sitting at your desk next to your wife. Dwight dwight But you know I wouldn't hire any of these all-stars. Jim jim Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, it's your call. Dwight dwight Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor? Jim jim I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldn't picture any of them in the old gold and gray. Dwight dwight I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin. Jim jim Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal. Dwight dwight Well, I for one, was amazed at how qualified everyone was. You? Jim jim Yes. Thank you. Amazed. Dwight dwight And I gotta say, this was a tough decision. And we had to go with none of you. Jim jim I'm sorry? Ira ira What? This is such bullcrap! Dwight dwight Well, you know, Wallace put me in charge, so you have no say. Jim jim Wow. So much crap. It's just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them? Dwight dwight Too much now. Jim jim Okay. Dwight dwight Do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? Because I only have the one, and I have a chili recipe on the back that I really wanna keep. Nate nate Okay, this is an outrage. Ugh! You know what? This is Jim Halpert's home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever. Dwight dwight That seems inconsiderate. Jim jim No. We get it. Thanks so much for the opportunity, Dwight. Don't open any suspicious packages you may receive. No, wait. Do open them. Totally safe. Rolf rolf Guys, it wasn't up to me. Rolf, come on. Guys, it wasn't my choice! I would have hired all of you! Gabor, Gabor. Dwight dwight Well, my day's shot. Trevor trevor Yeah, it's that weird hour where it's too late to start a slow roast and too early for a Swanson's. Rolf rolf I got it. Paintball. Rolf rolf Oh, that sounds awesome. Can we wait till I get off work? Dwight dwight [yelling] And what are we supposed to do until then? Trevor trevor Okay. Dwight dwight Let's just go, you guys. Rolf rolf Yeah. No limit on weapons class, right? Rolf rolf All right. I think that went well. Jim jim So, uh, if you just take a look at this, and then that'll print out--Hey. Meet your new desk mate. Jim jim What's up good lookin'? Clark clark Oh, cool. Hey Clark. Pam pam Trust me, this is the least of all evils. It took me all day to pull this off, so you should be thrilled, considering. Jim jim Yeah, I guess. I mean, I kinda liked my old desk mate. Pam pam Okay. I'm really sorry I told the guys I'd be there for the board meeting. Jim jim Of course. Pam pam I'll call you when I get there. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam All right. Jim jim Bye. Pam pam Take care of my wife. I will be back. Jim jim They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours. Dwight dwight Hey, Pam, I'm going to the kitchen. You want anything? Clark clark I'm good. Pam pam Oh, hey, I'll take a coffee. Dwight dwight Oh, I'm sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee. Clark clark [scoffs] Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight. Wanna haze the new guy? Pam pam Who, me? Dwight dwight Us. Pam pam Absolutely, I do. [giggles] Dwight dwight Okay. Okay, here. Okay, so the next time he goes to the bathroom, I'll distract him, you take that. Pam pam Okay, yeah, I know what to do. Okay. Oh, that's great. Dwight dwight [shushes] Pam pam [laughs] {Pam} & {Dwight} pam dwight Aah! Dwight dwight No! Clark clark Welcome to the club, pig! [laughs] Dwight dwight No, Dwight! Pam pam Aah! Dwight dwight No, it does matter who ends up sitting next to Pam when I'm gone. The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love. So, that stuff matters. Definitely does. Jim jim