Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. [Andy plays video] Andy andy Dunder Mifflin! Group group Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail. Andy andy That's me. [repeats] Kevin kevin Fail. Andy andy Is this like a blooper reel? Oscar oscar A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! [Points to video] Who's this guy? [Jim steps back and forth from plate on video as Andy sings Meow Mix theme]Look at him dance. Fail! Andy andy Fail! Dwight dwight I deserved that. Jim jim [Darryl runs in slow motion on video] Do do do do do do do. Andy andy That was a triple. Darryl darryl Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video! Andy andy My pleasure. Darryl darryl [Clark and Pete are shown on screen] None none Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry] Video Andy video-andy I'd like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year. [Screen flashes 'FAIL' over Jerry's face, accompanied by fart noise, repeats twice.] Well, that's all folks. [photo of Andy watersking shows on screen] Ski ya later everybody. Thanks for a great season. [Group claps halfheartedly] Andy andy What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises. Oscar oscar Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK? Andy andy Uh, what happened to that video I sent you? Jim jim Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests] Andy andy I think I got it right here. [Cheering on screen, Andy struggles with lifting water cooler, then falls over dumping the fluids on himself][Group laughs] Jim jim That was not a fail. Andy andy Fail! Fail! Fail!... Group group [Group continues chanting "Fail!"]That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. [Group keeps chanting] You're all failing right now. [Group continues] Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! [Group claps and chants] Andy andy [Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god. Dwight dwight What's going on? Phyllis phyllis Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please. Dwight dwight What's he measuring? Stanley stanley OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please. Dwight dwight It's an EMF hotspot. Toby toby [Gasps] Oh my god! Phyllis phyllis It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area [Erin marks red tape X on the floor] Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight. Oscar oscar Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall? Andy andy You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives? Toby toby I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour? Andy andy Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven. Stanley stanley OK, listen. Everything here is up to code. Dwight dwight [mocking] Oh, the wires need insulation. [normal voice] It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat. Dwight dwight [Jim rushes to open door for her] Thank you. Pam pam You got it. Jim jim Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first. Jim jim Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now. Nellie nellie Fine. I will give you one minute. Andy andy Oh, please don't use the hourglass. Nellie nellie You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase. Andy andy I'm trying to adopt a baby. Nellie nellie A baby what? A human?! Andy andy And the...agency require a character reference from my employer. Nellie nellie Oh. Andy andy You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So. Nellie nellie Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so. Andy andy It's not..it's- Nellie nellie And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here. Andy andy Well then if I could just convince... Nellie nellie And those sand grains are tumbling.. Andy andy You. Nellie nellie With fury... Andy andy It's not..it's not Nellie nellie Down the sides.. Andy andy Entrapment if I'm.. Nellie nellie Of the hourglass.. Andy andy ..writing.. Nellie nellie Time's up! Andy andy Fine. Nellie nellie Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that. Andy andy [Reading from computer] "Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!" That means you can't make me do squat. Dwight dwight You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts. Meredith meredith You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week. Dwight dwight Week off. That'd be great. Pam pam [Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave] Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so. Darryl darryl I don't want to teach you Power Point. Clark clark Come on! Just show me the Power Point. Darryl darryl Just do the tutorial. Clark clark You're the tutorial. Darryl darryl No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial. Clark clark You could be. Darryl darryl Mm-mm. Clark clark [to Jim] What are you doing? Darryl darryl Getting my wife a week off from work. Jim jim You popped one kernel. Darryl darryl Awesome, right? [leaves] Jim jim So Creed is that dude's step dad? Clark clark Correct. Darryl darryl Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. [group agrees, protests] Jim jim What? Come on. Dwight dwight I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair... Creed creed I'm not gonna grow a third arm! Meredith meredith I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way. Dwight dwight [reading from computer] "Side effects of EMF include: headaches..." Jim jim Had 'em all my life. Dwight dwight "..breast pain..." Jim jim No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim. Dwight dwight Oof. "Infertility." Jim jim [scoffs] Yeah right. [Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch] Dwight dwight Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me? Jim jim Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. [notices popped kernels in the bag] What the? Dwight dwight What? Jim jim Some of these kernels have crowned. Dwight dwight That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...[looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair] Oh my god. Jim jim Andy! [Jim mimes basketball shot] Dwight dwight I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids. Jim jim Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way? Pam pam You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? [Pam nods] Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen. Jim jim A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb. Pam pam Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied. Jim jim Yeah, OK then. Pam pam Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement. Andy andy So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week. Dwight dwight Nice job. Meredith meredith In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour. Dwight dwight What? Jim jim What's this? Pam pam Whoa! Andy andy What? Jim jim [Bus pulls into lot] Bring it in! Dwight dwight Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. [Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily] If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. [Erin tapes candy dish to pole] In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done. Dwight dwight [on phone] There are a hundred packs.. Stanley stanley [On phone] No six after the eight, no.... Oscar oscar Shh! Stanley stanley Shh! Oscar oscar Ninety nine cases..yeah. Stanley stanley Six. [Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying] Oscar oscar Ooh! Angela angela Oh sorry! Sorry. Pete pete Oh my god! Angela angela [bumps into Meredith] Sorry. Erin erin Lose weight. Meredith meredith I'm trying. Sorry. Erin erin [handing Nelly envelope] Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard. Erin erin Oh of course, you were adopted. Nellie nellie [laughs] I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? [laughs] Oh well. Erin erin Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..? Nellie nellie Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help. Erin erin Oh thank you so much! Nellie nellie [whispers] Just don't tell Andy, because.. Erin erin He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. [Erin nods] Nellie nellie Stretch. Alright. Clark clark How many times do you need to take a stroll? Stanley stanley I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue. Clark clark Boy, I will hammer spank your rear. Stanley stanley Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face. Jim jim It's a medical thing. Clark clark Just...you good? Jim jim I'm good. I.. Clark clark [to Pam] I'm so sorry for all of this. Jim jim It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest. Pam pam I, I need to get to the paper please. [Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her] Angela angela Oh my god! Ah! Pam pam I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please! Jim jim You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. [Pam leaves work bus] Pam pam Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. [Dwight smiles at Jim] Really? Smirking? Jim jim What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage. Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever? Jim jim It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas. Dwight dwight Andy! Jim jim Yo. Dudeces. Andy andy You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania? Jim jim Oh, I know I'd be more productive. Phyllis phyllis As would I. Kevin kevin No question. Stanley stanley No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site. Dwight dwight What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy? Jim jim Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! {Phyllis}, {Kevin} & {Stanley} phyllis kevin stanley Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving. Andy andy Yes! [Group cheers] Erin erin Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also. Jim jim Oh! Yes! [Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat] Pam pam [To Dwight] So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh? Jim jim Get your foot behind the yellow line. Dwight dwight You got it. Jim jim Yeah Jim! [Group claps] Erin erin [Sitting outside building] Stop. Darryl darryl Come back. Clark clark Too late. Darryl darryl Mmm. Clark clark Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call. Group group My name is Pam. Pam pam Yeah! Group group I like to paint. Pam pam Yeah! Group group You think you're better? Pam pam Yeah! Group group Oh no you ain't! Pam pam Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call! Group group My name is Kevin. Kevin kevin Yeah! Group group That is my name. Kevin kevin Yeah! Group group They call me Kevin. Kevin kevin Yeah! Group group Cause that's my name. Kevin kevin Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Group group [Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker] Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today....Oh my god. Creed creed Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! [group takes pictures] Ah OK, now a serious one. Andy andy Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately? Pam pam If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah. Jim jim No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him. Pam pam He's just mad that we're all having fun. Jim jim Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge? Pam pam He's fine. He's indestructible. Jim jim Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages. Erin erin [laughs] Well, I have considered kidnapping one. Nellie nellie Never say that. Erin erin I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt. Erin erin I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up. Nellie nellie Next stop pies! [group joins in] Stanley stanley Next stop pies! Group group Next stop pies! Kevin kevin Let's go driver! [clapping] Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so... Jim jim At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare. Kevin kevin So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head? Angela angela Wh... Kevin kevin Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies? Oscar oscar 314 pies. Kevin kevin What if it were salads? Oscar oscar Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work. Kevin kevin I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas. Dwight dwight OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop. Jim jim That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up. Dwight dwight Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on! Jim jim Hey honey, I don't think we should push him. Pam pam Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?! Jim jim No! Group group Stop ordering me around, Jim! Dwight dwight What do we want?! Jim jim Pies! Group group When do we want it?! Jim jim Pies! Group group OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. [drops keys in Jim's lap] Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie. Dwight dwight That's impossible. [Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch] Dwight! Jim jim Oh my! Meredith meredith What are you doing? Jim jim Dwight, what the hell? Meredith meredith Dwight! Oscar oscar What? Clark clark Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back. Kevin kevin [Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling] Just drive away. Just.. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis! That's not safe. Pam pam Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it. Kevin kevin [to Jim] Go up and check on him. He's upset. Pam pam You know he's doing all this on purpose. Jim jim Please? Just make sure he's OK? [Jim climbs through hatch] Pam pam Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream! Stanley stanley Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! [group gasps] Andy andy What? Meredith meredith Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing- Jim jim I'm barren, Jim. Dwight dwight What? Jim jim My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building. Dwight dwight Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank. Jim jim You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank? Dwight dwight No. Jim jim That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. [laughs] Dwight dwight I'll take it. Jim jim Andy? Nellie nellie Who is it? Andy andy Um, is this a good time? Nellie nellie Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. [takes paper from Nelly] Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, [reading] blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable. Andy andy Oh, why, is there something? Nellie nellie It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater. Andy andy Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the- Nellie nellie Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream. Andy andy Alright then. Nellie nellie Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant. Jim jim Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive? Dwight dwight That doesn't matter. Jim jim What position did you use to conceive? Dwight dwight Ok...that's not... Jim jim Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim. Dwight dwight [To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain] British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right? Andy andy I don't think that's Nelly. Pete pete What? Andy andy Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. [Erin cries, Nelly comforts her] It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you. Nellie nellie Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children? Jim jim You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it. Dwight dwight Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin.. Jim jim Bildenkinder. Dwight dwight OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me. Jim jim Oh! [Jim reenters bus through hatch] Hey! How'd it go? Pam pam It's pretty good actually. Jim jim Yeah? Pam pam We bonded. We got to- [Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim] Jim jim Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! [group reacts] Oscar oscar When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way! Dwight dwight You feel OK now? Pam pam Oh, better than OK. [grabs Pam's shoulders] You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie. Dwight dwight Well, actually, rhubarb is- Pam pam Don't.. Jim jim the one pie that I don't. Pam pam Don't.. Jim jim Everybody! Hang on! [Dwight pulls out quickly] Dwight dwight Oh! [bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other] Angela angela [Group chants along] Pie! Pie! Pie! Jim jim Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! [cheers as they arrive] Group group Oh. Nellie nellie I changed my mind. [gives Nelly papers] Andy andy Oh, you signed it? Nellie nellie Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. [laughs] Well, yeah, whatever. So. [walks away] Andy andy [Reading] "She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents." Nellie nellie I insult you, Oscar. Kevin kevin What? Oscar oscar I insult you! To your face! Kevin kevin I don't know what you're talking about. Oscar oscar Then why don't you do something about it? Kevin kevin [laughs] Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie? Oscar oscar You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! [Oscar pies Kevin] Yes! Kevin kevin Oh my god. I'm getting so stuffed. Pam pam We did it. Jim jim You did it. Pam pam My name is Andy! Andy andy [bored] Yeah. Group group I don't do drugs! Andy andy Yeah. Group group Now check the style! Andy andy Yeah. Group group Of Flatt & Scruggs! Andy andy Yeah. [Andy plays banjo] Group group Role call. Pam pam Role call. Phyllis phyllis Role call. Oscar oscar What? Creed creed