[Flickering Lights] Hey everybody it's closing time. You don't got to go home but you can't stay here. [Plays radio and the song is Closing Time by Semisonic] Andy andy [Laughs and shrieks] Erin erin Closing time. Andy andy Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day. It's weird. Andy andy Closing time Andy andy [On phone] ...W R K. Jim jim One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer. Andy andy Uh no it's W R K, as in kitten. Oh my boss is singing Closing Time, maybe that's what you are hearing. Jim jim Come on pam! Andy andy [Singing, Pam mumbling lyrics] Closing time, time for you to go home to the places you will be from. {Andy}/{Pam} andy pam Let's see. Andy has been manager for a hundred and five days. Which means I've heard 'Closing Time' a hundred and five times. [nods and shakes head] Still don't know the words. Tah wa Ta way hm hm home and home and home. Pam pam I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. [Pulls towel through legs] I know who I want to take me home. [Spins Meredith in chair] Take me hooo...hooome! You know what fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't want to sing... no traditions! Andy andy [singing] Closing time every new beginning... Stanley stanley I've never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it, but that song means it's time to go home. Now...it's my favorite song. Stanley stanley [singing] Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. {Andy}/{Stanley} andy stanley Goodnight. Stanley stanley Whose your favorite iron chef? Andy andy [speaking at the same time as andy] This is atrocious. Robert robert You go first. Andy andy The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy, careless, error prone office. Robert robert Well the monitoring software is a double edged sword. Sometimes... Andy andy [runs in and interrupts] Sorry, go ahead. Dwight dwight [to dwight] Did you need something from us? Robert robert Wha...Yes. Your attention. Uh because... No that is all. [walks out] Dwight dwight Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted "We're number two!'. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants. Dwight dwight Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free. Robert robert Umpf...that's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there. Andy andy Who are they? Robert robert They're both Kevin. Oscar is the Sex and the City gang and Angela, if you can picture... Andy andy Andrew sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all. Robert robert I would agree with that. Andy andy Simply...end the mistakes Robert robert End the mistakes, easy- Andy andy When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes, we can talk about names, all day. Our favorite names, silly made up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice? Robert robert I would like that. Andy andy End the mistakes. That is all I ask. [gets up from chair] And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all. Robert robert I'm just saying with the NBA lockout I think roller derby's in a really good place now. So...my pitch is...me, Pam, you and, someone else maybe Justine. Jim jim Nahh! [shakes head] No. Not Justine. Never Justine. Darryl darryl Is that off again? Jim jim Oh yeah. Darryl darryl Ok. Jim jim Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting. Today. Val val Ahh...We don't really do those. We just sign the thing. Darryl darryl Are you really this lazy? Val val I'll be there. Darryl darryl Hey. Gabe gabe Hey. Val val Monday's suck. Gabe gabe Yeaha...yup. [awkward silence then points to door] Just trying to get in. Val val I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it. Dwight dwight What do you got? Andy andy [opens folder] Allow me. You're going to love this. [struggles opening folder] Ugh...should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work. Dwight dwight Sounds controversial. Andy andy Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two? Dwight dwight Do not go there! You're the deuce I never want to drop. Andy andy Well, I can make this work. I'll set it up right now. Just need your go ahead. Dwight dwight Go do the voodoo that you do so well. Andy andy I will do my voodoo. Dwight dwight Mmhmmm. Andy andy Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship. Gabe gabe For you? Toby toby Yes. For Gabe. Gabe gabe Who are you seeing? That's gr... Toby toby Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse. Gabe gabe Oh. Toby toby I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and uh there was attraction. In at least one direction. So..[holds up fist] Gabe gabe You know I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating. Toby toby Ok, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know? Gabe gabe But I mean...uh have you talked to her? Is sh... Toby toby Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays... Gabe gabe Do you know her last name, yet? Toby toby Toby I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight. Gabe gabe She's going to be screaming her own last name? Toby toby Hey! Watch it. Gabe gabe Good luck Gabe. Toby toby Hi guys. I just wanted to say that, you all have been doing amazing work., really. Andy andy Thank you. Kevin kevin And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call...Dwight... Andy andy The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out. Dwight dwight If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens like we block Minesweeper. Andy andy Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him. Dwight dwight What emails are you talking about? Kelly kelly Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly. Dwight dwight That's not that bad actually. Kelly kelly P.S. We should should kill him. Dwight dwight Wait, so you installed a doomsday device? Jim jim No, it's an accountability booster. Dwight dwight Which when it goes off it destroys everything. Very similar to a doomsday device. Jim jim Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac. Now the point is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task. Dwight dwight Um, no we're not and you are a psycho who is ruining our lives. Kelly kelly We can't do this Dwight. Ryan ryan [Everyone angrily disagreeing]Smile...nod. Smile and nod. Dwight dwight They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like...not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor... Dwight dwight Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean the thing about this office is, we make a lot of mistakes. Andy andy But the device will change that. Without a safety net, people will improve. Dwight dwight Alright everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work. Be extra careful. Double check everything or the accountability booster will getcha. Andy andy This doomsdays device sounds like a scare tactic to me. Stanley stanley There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham. We just make a mistake. I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment. Oscar oscar [alert goes off] Oh, there's one mistake. Dwight dwight Now we only have four strikes left until a home run. Erin erin Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device so I... Andy andy It's not a doomsday device, gosh. [Erin makes red strike on desk] We can do this you guys. Dwight dwight First. Second. Warehouse Crew warehouse-crew It's not a race. Darryl darryl Thirrrr....third. Warehouse Crew warehouse-crew Who knows what the belt is for? Darryl darryl It's for protecting my ass. When you suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup, I'm Gabe. Corporate. Continue. Don't be nervous. Gabe gabe Apparently we have a visitor. Gabe, everyone. Darryl darryl Hi, gabe. Warehouse Crew warehouse-crew All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine. Doesn't get much use nowadays. Darryl darryl Look at this, this is enormous. Gabe gabe I get the sense that Val enjoys a good putdown. Considering that's the only thing I know about her. I will be milking that hard. [Gestures milking a cow] Gabe gabe It's like a hula hoop. Right. Mele Kalikimaka is the wise way. Gabe gabe You done? Darryl darryl The Michelin man called, he wants his cummerbund back. Gabe gabe Remember we have to give Rigo Escrow their refund by five. Phyllis phyllis I'm on it. Kevin kevin Kevin, maybe I should handle that. We really need you to focus on your project. Angela angela Good thinking. Kevin kevin Apparently a big client for this company, needs to know the story of how paper gets made. Kevin kevin Oscar, use a calculator. [Oscar shakes head] Angela angela When the stakes are this high, there is only one computer that I trust. And it's powered by thai food and spanish reds. [points to his head] Oscar oscar Alright everybody, you are doing great! Andy andy Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible, but I do see improvement. Meredith kept someone on hold for thirty minutes and now look she's hard at work. [Meredith gives dwight the finger] Dwight dwight Dwight, question. Jim jim No questions. Dwight dwight If this doomsday device goes off... Jim jim Accountability booster. Dwight dwight If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs. Are you going to feel good about that? Jim jim I haven't even considered it. That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work. Dwight dwight Try mose1234. Stanley stanley Dwight would never be that obvious. Try something like...z64$8. [incorrect password] Not that exactly Jim, something like that. Ryan ryan Ok. Jim jim How about Scrantonstrangler666. Dwight dwight Nope. Jim jim No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha...You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike. Dwight dwight Wha...what's Dwight's mothers name. Kelly kelly Hmm...Heda. [alert] No. Jim jim Once you read the packet, sign the back. Darryl darryl Hey Darryl, I was thinking, uh, maybe while we read through this, uh, you could grab us all some coffee. My treat. It's a hundred dollar bill. Should cover it I think. Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, ok? I want a decaf frappuccino. Val... Gabe gabe Actually, Val, why don't you come with? I'll need the extra hands to carry them back. Darryl darryl Yeah, sure. Val val Uh. Gabe gabe Mmhmm. [points at gabe] Caramel soy latte. Darryl darryl Decaf frap- Gabe gabe Got it. Darryl darryl You sent the late notice to Ryan Heart & Wolf. Right? Angela angela Mhm. Six-forty, six-twenty. Oscar oscar Six-seventy, six-twenty. Angela angela Nuh uh. Oscar oscar yes! Angela angela Five eighty-eight plus fifteen percent- Oh no. Oscar oscar What does this mean? What does it mean! Kevin kevin Andy. [alert sounds] Oscar oscar Ohhhh! Angela angela Gahhh. That's five strikes. Andy andy [pulls out Brandy bottle] Well...I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today. Stanley stanley Dwight we got five strikes. Andy andy Really? Dwight dwight Did the email go out or... Andy andy It goes out automatically at five P.M. Dwight dwight Well, th- There's gotta be a way to stop it. Andy andy Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it. Dwight dwight Ok! Dwight you may now enter your password. Andy andy No. Dwight dwight What?! Andy andy You don't deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day. Dwight dwight We did our best. Phyllis phyllis No you didn't, Phyllis. You complained the whole time. You yelled at me. You tried to break into the machine. [everyone interjects] What?! Dwight dwight You're a real crumb bum, you know that? Erin erin Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from? Dwight dwight Uh, the man tree puts its penis- Kevin kevin Ha. Ok, alright. Andy back me up here, please. Dwight dwight Nn no. Andy andy What? Dwight dwight No! Andy andy Dwight be human for once. Shut down the machine. Oscar oscar Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut down the machine!!! [erin joins in yelling] Shut it down! Shut it down! Kelly kelly Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative. Dwight dwight Dwight's car is gone. Erin erin I bet he went home. Pam pam Some of us should go there and talk some sense into him. Get him to stop that email. Andy andy Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous that could help us. Andy andy Yeah. Kevin kevin Kevin has that lovability. Andy andy Guys come on. I'm right here. Kevin kevin Jim, I want you to go find Robert just be where he is in case that email goes out at five. You can try to delete it or something. Andy andy Ok, where is he? Jim jim Uh, he's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash. Erin erin I'll try both. Jim jim [digging] Oh. Come to reason with me? Dwight dwight Gotcha something. [gives Dwight cap, Dwight throws it aside] And, uh, I just really want to talk to you- Andy andy Get lost. Dwight dwight Well now hold on it, it- Andy andy What are you doing? Pam pam What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse. Dwight dwight Uhm. Pam pam Do you need a hand? Erin erin Yeah, do you need a hand? [everyone joins in] Pam pam If you hit another horse, you've dug to far. Dwight dwight I'll see you next week Will. [at the club, playing squash] Robert robert Robert. Jim jim Jim what are you...What a surprise. Robert robert Yeah, well, you know just had a meeting. Squash meeting. Jim jim Yeah. Robert robert You up for a game? Jim jim A game or a match? Robert robert Exactly. Here we go. Let's do it. Jim jim Are you okay, Kevin? [Kevin gives thumbs down] Pam pam [to Dwight] Where you going? Andy andy In. I'm hungry. Dwight dwight Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water. Pam pam Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on. Dwight dwight Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is. Pam pam This is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009. Dwight dwight That's too much Doodle and not enough Lab. Val val Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just Lab? Darryl darryl That's what I'm sayin'. Val val [to Val] Hey. You're welcome. Gabe gabe Thanks for the coffee. Val val So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery. I'm gonna drink a little wine and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me. Gabe gabe Are you asking me on a date? Val val Yes, I am. Gabe gabe Because I don't date coworkers. It's not personal, it's a matter of policy. Val val I could quit. Problem solved. Gabe gabe Don't quit. [Darryl eavesdropping, nods] Val val Good policy. Sensible. Smart. Darryl darryl Alright. Serving. Serving. Serving. Serving. Jim jim In the box. Robert robert In the box. [hits it straight into the floor] Jim jim Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left. Oscar oscar Oh, now you can do math? Where were you 2 hours ago 'A Beautiful Mind'- Angela angela I made a mistake. I'm sorry. Oscar oscar I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition, get everyones' signature, including our clients, march down to Florida, and shove it up your butt! Ha! [laughing and drinking Brandy] Stanley stanley It's not that funny. Oscar oscar [Kevin comes around corner with a pan, ready to strike Dwight, Pam shakes her head] Oh, Pam. You got something on your shirt. Erin erin Oh, haha. Oh well. Pobody's nerfect, right? Pam pam Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "Nobody's perfect." Nice stroke, Pam. Dwight dwight No. It's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect, like I can't even say those words right. Ha. Pam pam I hadn't heard that before, that's, that's funny. Dwight dwight Dwight, there's just a small matter of a- Andy andy You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk. Pam pam Any specific animal? Dwight dwight I'm thinking cow- Pam pam Don't say cow- Ugh. Dwight dwight What are you doing? It's 5 to 5. Andy andy Just don't talk about the email, okay? He's gonna cancel it on his own, I really think he will. Pam pam That's insane! Andy andy Just trust me. Pam pam Trust you, like I trusted Dwight this morning. Andy andy I got this. Pam pam Enngh- Andy andy Hahhh, thanks for everything. Pam pam Sive drafely. [Pam points back at him, smiling] Dwight dwight Isn't it supposed to be, "Drive safely"? Kevin kevin [a text tone goes off] Is that my phone? Jim jim Sounded like mine. Robert robert Nah, I think it's mine. Lemme just check real quick, here. Alright. Jim jim Well, it's mine. You took it out of my bag. Robert robert Oh, oh yeah. Jim jim Can I have it? Robert robert Yes. Right now? Yes. Jim jim Yep. Robert robert Here you go. [throws it over glass] Jim jim Whoa, no, wait, wait, wait, whoa. [tries to catch it with racket, misses, lands on floor] Robert robert [censored beep] ha, Jesus. Robert robert Awww, sorry. Did it break? Jim jim Nah, it's good. Robert robert You sure? Jim jim Yeah. Robert robert What kinda iPhone is that? Jim jim It's the standard one. The one everyone has. Robert robert Oh yeah. I have the one that nobody has. Is there anything interesting? Jim jim It depends Jim. Do you find one-day only Jet Blue sales to Buffalo interesting? Robert robert Ha ha. No, I don't. No, I don't. Alright, well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this, so- [texting on his phone] Jim jim My serve! Robert robert [her text tones rings] Dwight stopped the device! Pam pam Oh! Andy andy Yes! Kevin kevin Haho! Erin erin [his phone vibrates] He stopped it! Oscar oscar Oh! [everyone yelling out, celebrating] We still have our jobs. Ryan ryan They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. [pulls cap he previously discarded, out of the dirt] God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I? Dwight dwight Take it easy. Nice and easy. Robert robert [hits ball, ricochets to groin] Ah! Classic, right? [Jim continues to rally poorly and falls down] Jim jim Oo! Robert robert I'm alright. Jim jim You alright? Robert robert Yep. Jim jim Skinned knee. Robert robert Yep. Ah. Oh. [and skinned elbow] Jim jim Oo, a little ice on that maybe. Robert robert Yeah. That does not feel good. Jim jim Okay. My serve. Robert robert Let's not make any mistakes today. Or at least no more than four. Andy andy This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me. Y2K all over again. Stanley stanley Oh, I was all about the Y2K bug. Paid some guy to update my PC, threw out my microwave, canceled my plane ticket, sold all my stocks, spent New Year's Eve with a gas mask on my face. I was even wearing a diaper! Someone said Y2K would get the toilets. Stanley stanley This could be real. Dwight's pretty handy with computers. He fixed my laptop once. Pam pam Ok, he didn't fix it. The brightness level was all the way down. Jim jim You couldn't fix it. Pam pam I wasn't here that day. Jim jim Yes you were. Pam pam No- Ok. Well, we'll talk about it later. Straussburg! I had a meeting in Straussburg and I dropped you off beforehand. I was wearing a tan shirt with stripes? Jim jim I don't think so, babe. Pam pam Ok, this is crazy. Jim jim I have never played squash. But I have seen it in countless 80's movies and it seems like the most common mistake is that you serve too hard and hit yourself right in the squash balls. So, as long as I don't do that, I think I'll be alright. Jim jim Eleven love. I win again. Robert robert [grunts] Good game. You are a worthy opponent. You wanna play one more? Jim jim I don't think so. Robert robert No? Come on. Jim jim Why? Not only are you terrible at squash, but you don't even seem to enjoy it. Jim, this is not enough of a challenge for me. Robert robert Well, that is... because you didn't realize that... I was left-handed. Jim jim What are you doing here, Gabe? Darryl darryl Well Darryl, considering that I basically own the place, I'm just chillin' at mi casa. This is me, in repose..I suppose. Gabe gabe You know, there's this expression: Bro's before Ho's. And what that's short for is brothers before whores. Uh, I don't buy that. I would throw any brother under the bus for any whore. Woman. Gabe gabe Robert, do you wanna smoke pipes during our meeting? Andy andy Let's wait, until we have something to smoke about. Robert robert Yes. Of course. [whispers] Erin..[throws pipes at Erin] Andy andy Hey, Andy. Dwight dwight Yeah? Andy andy Maybe I could sit in on this one with you? You know, that way I can cover you in case you need to urinate or you just want another opinion, or defecate... Dwight dwight I don't think so. Andy andy Well I just thought with my new increased responsibilities and all... Dwight dwight Yeah. I'm still figuring out the two man bobsled here, so let's hold off on the D-man for now. Andy andy