Oh, for God's sake. [notices Erin planking on parking lot curb] Oscar oscar Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in weird places. That's it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the Internet. Oscar oscar Planking is one of those things where, eh, you either get it or you don't. And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it. Erin erin [exiting elevator] After you my good sir. Andy andy No, I insist. Dwight dwight I insist. Andy andy The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California... for the manager position. Who took one look around and left. He drove down to Florida and convinced Joe to make him CEO... CEO... her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don't really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill. And he chose... Jim jim [drumroll with hands] I... it's unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice, but I was the first-choice's first choice. And, about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk. And I told him, "I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer." Smart, right? Andy andy (planking on top of cabinet] Very smart. Kelly kelly Uh, this has got to stop. Andy andy I can't get down. Kelly kelly K... Kevin! [Kevin planking on Dwight's desk] Dwight dwight Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I've got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I've added boxing - lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I'm doin' great. Dwight dwight K, I'm gonna need some help. Pam? Dwight dwight I don't think I should. Pam pam Oh, yeah. Pregnant. Jim jim Right here. Little Michael Scott- [points to her belly] Pam pam No, I told you I don't like that joke. It is a boy. We found out early. Jim jim Much different the second time around. And I have to say; it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office. Pam pam Look, it's a 'Little Pregs' [points to her belly] and 'Big Pregs' [points to Pam's] Angela angela Wait, when did we start calling it that- Pam pam Isn't it amazing, the difference in our sizes? Angela angela Well, I am a few months ahead of you. Pam pam I am having a child with my husband, the Senator. And Pam is having a child with Jim... the great salesman. Angela angela Hoist him aloft. C'mon Darryl. Lift, lift Darryl. [trying to lift Kevin off desk] Dwight dwight I'm lifting. Darryl darryl Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got somethin' much better. This soda. This is mine. Darryl darryl It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt. Stanley stanley I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do somethin'. I go on with a long description and then I say, "and shove it up your butt." It's stupid, but it's my thing now. Stanley stanley No one should be planking at all. Jim jim Thank you, yes. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this? Andy andy Say no more. Dwight dwight [starts attacking plankers] Kids, don't try planking. It's dangerous. [knocks Toby off table] 'Specially with me around. Dwight dwight You watching that commercial again? [Pam nods] Why do you keep watching it, if you know it's just gonna make you cry? Jim jim Because everything makes me cry, so what's the difference? This dog, he just wants to protect his bone. Pam pam He's got a bank vault. That's a start. Jim jim Not enough though. Pam pam The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he's gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it's not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It's strange. Jim jim Here we go. Erin erin Hello. Robert robert Robert California. Let's have a conversation. Erin erin Describe your day so far. Robert robert Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze- Erin erin And when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It's a waste of your time. That's how every day's begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man. Robert robert Very smart, very smart. Suddenly, I was awake. And I've been doing this thing- Erin erin Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30am casual chit-chat scheduled. I emailed you about it last night to confirm. And again this morning. Andy andy First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don't know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client. Andy andy Pam, pam. Psst. Pam. [motions her over, both looking at Robert's notebook] Erin erin Jim. [motions him over] Pam pam [motions he is on the phone] Can I call you right back? Thank you very much. [comes over] Okay. [sees notebook with two lists of staff names] What is this? Jim jim The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts? Andy andy What are your thoughts. Robert robert Just making chit-chat. Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no? Andy andy What are you looking at? Dwight dwight It's, it's nothing. Jim jim It can't be nothing. Dwight dwight Yeah, it can't be nothing. Phyllis phyllis It's just a list of our names, split into two columns. Jim jim What? Stanley stanley Okay, just wait one second, alright? I will copy it. Do you have a pen? Jim jim No. Erin erin No. Okay. Um, I'll take a photo of it. Dwight, can you throw me my phone? Jim jim [throws hard, Jim doesn't catch] Nice catch. Dwight dwight If he comes out, distract him. [takes list to copier] Pam pam We need a warning signal. Kevin kevin We don't need a warning signal, Kevin. We can see him right there- Jim jim We do. Kevin kevin I promise you, we don't need a warning- Jim jim WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Kevin kevin Ahhh! [falls out of chair] Phyllis phyllis Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay? Dwight dwight Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Phyllis phyllis ... 2, 3! [pulls Phyllis up] Dwight dwight Thanks guys. Phyllis phyllis Okay, which side of the list am I on? Dwight dwight Left. Jim jim Yes! Dwight dwight Why are you- How do you know? Jim jim Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work. Andy andy Uh, no, actually. That was in Robert's notebook. Jim jim He left it at reception and we photocopied it. Pam pam Oh, okay. I don't want any part of this. Andy andy Maybe it's a list of people he's gonna fire. Pam pam Okay, it's not that Pam. You know, I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make. Jim jim This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here's something. Who would eat who in an 'Alive' situation. No... that can't be it. Dwight dwight I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left side's the side to be on. Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense Pam. Andy andy I don't think it's- Jim jim 'Scuse me? Pam pam Shhh, Pam. C'mon, don't be such a right-sider. Dwight dwight Did you guys figure it out? Angela angela We couldn't crack it. Andy andy Go in there and just ask the man what it means. Stanley stanley He'll know that we looked at his private notebook. Andy andy C'mon, just say you saw the list by accident. Phyllis phyllis I'm already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and it's starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time. Andy andy Yeah, that's all you had to do today was ask about Columbus Day? Phyllis phyllis [Andy continuously knocking on door] Yes, for god's sake Andy. Yes, come in. Robert robert What's up? Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk. Andy andy Great. Thank you. Robert robert And it was open. And people saw this. And they're just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is. Andy andy What is this? Robert robert It's a photocopy from your notebook. Andy andy You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it. Robert robert No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it. Andy andy Ah, please. Here's what it is. It's a doodle. Robert robert What? Andy andy Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don't you think? Well, I doodle too, but I'm not an artist. So I draw words and lists. Robert robert That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name? Andy andy Might as well have been sketching a cube. Robert robert Okay. Robert's in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common? Andy andy Maybe we're s'posed to do it with people in our group. Meredith meredith That's not it. Jim jim People in the other group. Meredith meredith Mmum, still wrong. Jim jim Stanley, you do puzzles all day. Whatdo we got? Andy andy Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT! Stanley stanley Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys. Andy andy I know! It's alphabetical. Kevin kevin [separately] No. Everyone everyone No, it's not. Here's how we find out. Let's line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let's just size each other up here and left side of the list... ATTACK! Dwight dwight Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Will you stop?! [Kelly and Erin screaming as Dwight bashes their heads together, everyone attacking each other and yelling] Jim jim Dwight! Andy andy Hey! Meredith meredith Warning! Warning! Warning! Kevin kevin [enters room, everyone quiets and separates] I'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch: Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl, Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar. Robert robert That's great. Let's do this guys. Dwight dwight Alright, well, I will see you in a bit. Jim jim I love you so much. [starting to cry] Pam pam Hey. It's nothing. Alright? I'll text you when we get there. Let you know what's going on. Jim jim Okay. [turns to computer] Pam pam Nope. No dog video. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Okay. See you guys. Jim jim Well, we should all be really excited about our very own pizza party. Pizza partay! Pizza! Partay! Pizza! Partay! Andy andy Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street? Robert robert Uhhh, the street? Jim jim Sesame street. Robert robert Oh, I didn't know anybody called it- She likes it a lot- she, uh, loves Elmo. Jim jim Elmo, god's sake, it's the Elmo era. Robert robert Right. Jim jim Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree. Robert robert Yeah, she does like Elmo. Jim jim Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree. Oscar oscar Completely. Phyllis phyllis Apt. Apt analysis, Robert. Darryl darryl The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling. Kevin kevin I should not be here. I'm in the- I was in the wrong- I'm- I'm sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I- I was never here. Toby toby Great group! Pizza party! Andy andy How is this a pizza party? Kelly kelly Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here. Andy andy Yeah, well, that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party. Kelly kelly Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza? Andy andy What's that? Stanley stanley Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese. Andy andy That's pizza. Stanley stanley That's regular pizza. Pam pam You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question... what made you pick this group? Dwight dwight I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you. Robert robert Okay! Dwight dwight [separately] Awww. Everyone everyone Well, what about the other guys. Phyllis phyllis Losers. Dwight dwight No. Robert robert C'mon. Dwight dwight I don't- I don't wanna say- Robert robert C'mon, c'mon. Dwight dwight No, no. Robert robert C'mon. Dwight dwight Ha, I guess I think they're losers. Robert robert Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo! Dwight dwight Probably shouldn't have said that. [Jim's jaw drops] Robert robert Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched. Andy andy [Pam's phone vibrates] Oh, text from Jim. "This is getting very weird. Will explain later." Pam pam [Everyone's phone vibrates] Oh, text from Kevin. Pam pam "Suck it losers." Meredith meredith Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn't the fact that I'm in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? Oh! This crust is sharp! Ryan ryan I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, "Who's that receptionist? I like her." Now I'm just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you're like, "Oh, loser." Pam pam C'mon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously? Andy andy Oh. Oh God. Pam pam [door opens, others enter] Oh. Hey guys! We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out. Got to know each other better. How was your lunch? Kelly kelly It was excellent. Angela angela Good times. Darryl darryl Yeah? Andy andy Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it's over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy. Dwight dwight I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone. Kevin kevin Well, that was certainly an odd lunch. Is everything alright? Jim jim Yeah, I'm fine. Pam pam [spraying Meredith and Creed with water gun] Loser. Losers. [Dwight holding up "L" to his forehead] Kevin kevin [on the phone, while getting sprayed] Just take the casserole out of the- Take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. It'll be fine, just leave it in for 20 minutes. Meredith meredith When I was a salesman I could just be like "Not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob." Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob. Andy andy Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please it's really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let's say top-tier and others would be second-tier. Andy andy I never said that. Robert robert Thank you. Great. Robert. I said winners and losers. Is that what you're talking about? Andy andy Oh, that, it might- That might actually be what I'm thinking of. Can you clarify that? Andy andy Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you're a winner. If I didn't, I don't. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong. Robert robert Whew, well. I guess that's that. Phyllis phyllis No. No, no. Andy andy Andy, don't go in there! Erin erin I'm going in there. Andy andy I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don't know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I'm not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list. Andy andy I'm not gonna change my list, Andy, and I don't use ballpoint pens. Robert robert Well, then I will make a new list for you. Stanley... you may think he's a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he's hard to love, but did you know that he's in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships? Andy andy I did not know about the sales figures. Robert robert Meredith Palmer... Supplier relations. The word "no" not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that I'm being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam, easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with. Andy andy Jim, shut the door. This is just gross. Dwight dwight Shhh. Jim jim Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant. A winner if there ever was one. Andy andy I like my new group. I liked my old group. Erin erin Are we done? Robert robert Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day, we're gonna take a half-day, so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend. Andy andy You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day? Robert robert Yes, I do. Andy andy And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans. Robert robert I don't care. [Robert smiles as Andy exits] Andy andy Hey guys. So Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday. Andy andy We get that every year. Stanley stanley Well, you got it this year too. Andy andy Good night, Andy. Phyllis phyllis Night. Andy andy Bye. Angela angela Good night Andy. Oscar oscar Good night. Dwight dwight Night. Andy andy Alright, I'm gonna go warm up the car. Jim jim Okay. Oh, uh, you dropped something. Jim? Pam pam Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but- [shows unfolded paper Jim dropped, shows two lists, "Pam" and "Cece" on one side, "Everything else" on the other] I mean, that's just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it's stupid. No. [starts crying] It's wonderful. I'm gonna frame it. I can always unframe it. Pam pam I gotta say, I think it's kinda cool not knowing. It's like one of those movies that ends on a note of mystery. Did the butler do it? Are they ghosts? You know? It's kinda sophisticated. Andy andy Everybody hates those endings! Kelly kelly [weepy] Yeah, I hate those endings. Pam pam I- [Sees Kevin looking at the list upside down and turns it.] Oscar oscar I was looking for patterns. Kevin kevin I know. Oscar oscar It's all a mind game. He wanted us to see the list. He's a genius. You guys just don't get him. Ryan ryan I made a list like this for Congress when I worked in Hollywood in the 50's, they're meaningless. Creed creed Guys. Really, it's ok. Everyone has made a really solid first impression, I don't think there's any reason for anybody to worry. Toby toby I am on the wrong side, and I am freaking out here. Toby toby [grunting, trying with Jim to lift Kevin planking on his desk] Man, it's like hoisting a manatee. I can't get a grip it's so vast. Dwight dwight Ryan? A little help? Jim jim God. How do whalers do it? Dwight dwight Here's the way trends move across the country. They start in Japan. L.A. And New York get it soon after that. Seattle looks at it, decides not to do it. Chicago gets it three months later. Then it travels down the Mississippi, OK? All the red states start doing it. Good Morning America does a piece about it. And then, it shows up in Scranton. Ryan ryan Creed! Wha- [Shoves Creed with his foot, Creed grunts] This is a safety issue with you. There's no way to know if you're dead! Andy andy Good morning. [suitcase falls and he laughs awkwardly] Gabe gabe Corporate wants me up here, Dunder Mifflin wants me down there. What they worked out is that Monday, Wednesday and Friday I'm here in Scranton, Tuesday Thursday I'm in Tallahassee, I mean I feel like Vera Farmiga in Up in the Air, you know? More money more problems. Although, I didn't get a raise, so you know. Same money, more problems. Gabe gabe It's called owling. You'll read about it in like eight months. Ryan ryan Uh, I will have the chicken piccata with a side salad. Jim jim That sounds good. Robert robert Chicken piccata, side salad. Kevin kevin Chicken piccata, salad on the side please. Darryl darryl I'll start with a side salad and uh, oh, chicken piccata. Oscar oscar Chicken piccata, side salad. Toby toby Side salad, chicken piccata on the side. Angela angela I'll start with a side salad, then a chicken piccata. Phyllis phyllis Steak. Rare. Dwight dwight Jim, you alright? What are you doing? Robert robert Good. What? Nothin' Jim jim Oh! Text from Jim. "This is..." hmm. Pam pam Profound man, your husband. Ryan ryan One more. To our boss! Dwight dwight Hey! All all I don't think we have to do this again cause it's gonna take a whole. [everyone clinks glasses] Jim jim You know what? Let us treat you. What do you say? It has been such a pleasure. Dwight dwight I can expense it. Robert robert Let him expense it, Dwight. {Darryl} & {Oscar} darryl oscar I insist. It is gonna be our treat, please? Dwight dwight Thank you. Robert robert Hi, Mr. Shrute. I've waited on you before. I just wanted to let you know that gratuity is not included in the bill and tips are expected. Waiter waiter Oh, tips are expected? Dwight dwight Yes sir. Waiter waiter Then expect to be shocked. Jim, you owe me $14.75. Oscar, $14.75. Darryl.... Dwight dwight My entire childhood, I was the one left out, and I said to myself: Gabe, if you just achieve some success, you'll be part of them. You'll be part of the happy ones. But instead, people just used my success as a new way to shut me out. Gabe gabe Hey, this ain't no Breakfast Club, bitch. Meredith meredith Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! Dwight dwight Come on, man. Jim jim Winners! Dwight dwight