I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. It's that time of year. And according to a study done by the University of Arizona, they've discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria, per square inch, than a toilet seat. Pam pam I heard your momma had more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat. Kelly kelly That's true, that's true. I dated her momma, and you know what- Michael michael Stop. Jim jim [under his breath] Um... kay. Uh, alright. Michael michael One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough. Pam pam Di-Did you say vampire? Erin erin Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. [coughs into elbow] Pam pam Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? [looks at camera] 'Cause of the euro. Dwight dwight Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick. Pam pam [rolls his eyes and shakes his head] Uh... Dwight dwight And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office. Pam pam NO, no, no. They will cost you your life. Dwight dwight Elaborate. Jim jim The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter... Dwight dwight I'm not - I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. Pam pam Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger. Dwight dwight So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you. Jim jim Yes. I would welcome it. Dwight dwight [sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera] You're welcome. Jim jim The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever. Dwight dwight Jim. Pam. [gasps, speaks in baby voice] And the precious bundle of God's gift to everything. [back to her normal voice] I wish you both a pleasant day. [baby voice] And you too. Yes. Praise God. Ok. Angela angela Cece's getting christened today. Pam pam Big day. Jim jim Everyone from work is here. We weren't planning on that. Pam pam Nope. Jim jim Top of the Sunday morning to you. Michael michael And a top of the day to you too, sir. Andy andy Hope you brought your pipes. We're about to smoke the opium of the masses. Ryan ryan Oh, yes. [mimicking smoking] Doobie-doobie doo. Michael michael I invited everyone in the office because it's not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate... my joy. And our, all of ours joys. Michael michael [looking at Cece, under his breath] Ah, man. [looks at Erin talking to Gabe] Andy andy Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol' litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around, sucking on the teet. Put 'em in a box, give 'em to my neighbors. Yeah, I want kids. Andy andy [handing out cards] For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. Dwight dwight Sunday church service... it's been a few years. The Big Guy and I, we got some catching up to do. Toby toby [in an old man mobster voice] Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over. Michael michael Oh, Michael, this is just for family. Pam pam But I'm the Godfather. Michael michael It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather. Jim jim Are you talking to me? Michael michael [whispers to Pam] Ok, your turn. Jim jim Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head. Michael michael Okay, Michael. Um, you know I love when you do that voice, but today, I'm so sorry. I need you to tell me that you know you're not Cece's godfather. Pam pam Yeah. Michael michael I'm sorry, Michael. I need you to say it. I'm so sorry. Pam pam [normal voice] I'm not the godfather. Michael michael Okay, thank you. Pam pam [clears his throat] So who is the godfather? Michael michael Our friend, Seth, and his wife there. Pam pam Okay. Old friend, like, you've known him since kindergarten? Michael michael No, I met his wife in Mommy and Me. They're a great couple. You should meet them later. Pam pam No, I have plenty of friends, so... all right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show. Michael michael Okay. Thank you for coming, Michael. Pam pam I don't even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that's not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out. Michael michael [singing] We ask you, Lord, come to our aid. Church Congregation church-congregation Good morning. Pastor pastor Good morning. All all Good morning. Michael michael What a terrific day this is, and not just because the Eagles are playing. [laughter, Kevin giggles] Pastor pastor You may have seen the bus out front. Today we also say good-bye to our young adult ministry. They're leaving for three months to build a school for the village of Quimixto, in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico. Pastor pastor I've heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas, all the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes. Ryan ryan [stands outside church entrance] Okay, this is, all right, this is silly. [goes inside] [walks back out] Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope... Toby toby And thank you for your prayers for Justin. We hope for a speedy recovery. Female Church Member female-church-member Thank you. Anyone else with a prayer or a remembrance? [Dwight and an eldery man stand up at the same time, Dwight stares at him, man sits back down] Pastor pastor Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price. Dwight dwight Christening calls to repentance, to faithfulness, and to discipleship. We've come to celebrate these babies. Pastor pastor [looking at Cece's diaper] Somebody needs a change. Pam pam Right now? Jim jim Well, she can't bring this up with her. Pam pam Okay. All right, come on. [picks up Cece from Pam, whispers to her] Where are we going? Where are we going? We're gonna take a little field trip. Jim jim [whispering, going into the bathroom with Cece] Okay. Okay. There's my girl. All right. Hold on one second. There we go. What's that face for? Oh, my-oh, my God. Cece, no. No, no, no, not on the dress! Cece, stop! Jim jim [seeing Jim come in with Cece wearing an old t-shirt] What? Pam pam What? Jim jim Honey, no. Pam pam Yes. Jim jim No, no. Pam pam This is happening. Jim jim We have an extra outfit in the bag. Pam pam No. There's no extra outfit in the bag. Jim jim You said you checked it. Pam pam I did... say that. Jim jim At this time, will the families please come join me? Pastor pastor Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It's as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That's great, because, you know, the paper industry's not gonna last forever. Michael michael Before we go, I'd like to remind everyone that the "Halberts" have been kind enough to host a reception next door immediately following the service. Pastor pastor Mm. No. Wrong on both counts. Jim jim Okay, "A," Halbert. And, "B," I think a more appropriate statement would be, "The 'Halberts' are hosting an intimate reception for their invited guests." Jim jim For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless? Ryan ryan Try "Jesus." Kelly kelly Opus dei. Dwight dwight [to Michael] Hi. Good morning. Male Church Member male-church-member Good morning. Michael michael [to Michael] Good morning. Female Church Member female-church-member Good morning. Michael michael Hello. Ryan ryan Shh, shh, shh. Dwight dwight [walking around and greeting people] How are you? Good morning. Good morning. Michael michael Good morning. Lady lady I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people. Michael michael Hey. Jim jim I'm Doug Mcpherson, Davey's uncle. Doug doug Oh, well, Dave is an adorable baby. Jim jim Davey. Doug doug Yeah. [Doug walks away] Jim jim Wow. Pam pam Well, this is intimate. Angela angela We just had to add a few more tables. We weren't expecting this many people. Pam pam You don't know them all? Angela angela Nope, and we're gonna need a loaves and fishes kind of miracle to feed 'em all. Pam pam Jesus is not your caterer. [baby voice to Cece] But he should be your caterer 'cause you're a little angel. Why didn't your parents get you a caterer? [normal voice] They don't think. Angela angela [to Cece] Hm. Don't listen to her. She's just jealous 'cause she doesn't get to come home to someone as cute as you. Pam pam Huh, you think she is jealous about having a baby? Jim jim I don't know. I'm just hungry. Pam pam Okay, well, you know what? Everybody's hungry. [Pam looks at Jim] Sorry. I think I'm just hungry. Jim jim Oh, after you. Michael michael Oh, no, after you. Male Church Member male-church-member No, I insist. After me. Michael michael [laughs] I'm gonna use that one. Have a good lunch. Male Church Member male-church-member Thank you. You too. Michael michael This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day. Stanley stanley I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this? Kevin kevin You know what, guys, let's just enjoy lunch. Michael michael With what? How? Sometimes, Michael. Sometimes. Kevin kevin Excuse me, everyone, on behalf of the youth ministry that's leaving for Mexico, I just wanted to thank our hosts and tell you about those good-looking guys and gals over there. [group of young adults cheer and applaud] Girl girl [whispering] Teach for America girls are way hotter, but they're nuts. Ryan ryan This is Jessica Ortega. I met her when both she and I were both seven years old when my parents took me to Quimixto on a service trip. Girl girl [chuckling] Who takes a kid to Mexico? Phyllis phyllis I would run to Mexico if that's where the sandwiches are. Stanley stanley Shh. Michael michael Right now, Jessica's children have to walk twelve miles to a school with dirt floors. Girl girl No. Michael michael It's gonna be three months of hard work and when we're done, we'll practically be Quimixtanos. Girl girl Greg, hello, it's Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold. Dwight dwight [overhearing Dwight's conversation] Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey. Michael michael I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts. Dwight dwight Are you kidding me? Stop it. Michael michael I'll call you back. Dwight dwight My parents explained it to me this way. You wouldn't hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family? Girl girl What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush? Andy andy Shh. Michael michael Thank you. Or should I say gracias? Girl girl [sighs] Cece went down. Pam pam [holding up an empty serving dish] What was this? You're out of it. Woman woman Scones. Jim jim I didn't get one. Woman woman Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn't get one either. Pam pam Is it just the one jug of apple cider? [Pam shrugs, woman walks away] Woman woman Who the heck was that? Pam pam I think that was sconesy cider, noted baptism reception critic. Jim jim We need more food. I'll go get some subs and sodas. Pam pam All right. And cider. Jim jim [pointing to group of young adults laughing] Look at that. Look at that. That's fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Let's go help Africa. Let's go build an airport. We'll start small. We'll have a car wash. We'll send some cheerleaders to regionals. Michael michael You could feed the hungry. Us. Stanley stanley Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time. Oscar oscar Yeah, well, that's just a pick-up scene. Okay, we don't have to volunteer. But I think we should hang out more together. Michael michael We are hanging out-right now. You want some more of this? Darryl darryl Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party. Michael michael Church isn't a party, Michael. Phyllis phyllis Well, it's, it's- Michael michael Welcome to the party. Everybody have their kool-aid? Ryan ryan No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What's so great about your lives that you think you're better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You're mean. You're mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don't stop worrying so much about what you're gonna put in your gullet, you're gonna die in about a month. Michael michael Oh, hey, Mee-Maw, would you watch Cece for a second? Don't worry. She's asleep. I'm just gonna track down some more chairs. Jim jim Fine, fine. I guess I'll watch Suzanne's purse and your baby. Sylvia sylvia [standing in a line saying goodbye to the kids going to Mexico] Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. We're proud of you. [starts to walk down through the line and into the bus] Bye. Okay. Michael michael [on the bus] Hey. Hey. Is this the bus to Mexico? Michael michael Yeah! [cheers, applause] Students students [in reference to the team shirts] I'll take a shirt. Michael michael Are you coming? Guy guy If you'll have me, yes. Michael michael Heck, yes. Guy guy Really? [cheers, applause] Thank you. All right. Michael michael [seeing Michael on the bus] Michael. Get off the bus. Oscar oscar No, I'm not. I'm staying on the bus. I'm already on the bus. I'm going. Michael michael Michael, this is irresponsible. Gabe gabe It is not irresponsible! I have never been more confident about a decision in my life. Michael michael I agree. I think it's superb. Darryl darryl Well, you have a job to do. Okay, there is no off-season when it comes to printer sales. Gabe gabe You know what, my job will be here when I get back. Michael michael Michael, you can't go to Mexico. You don't have your passport. Andy andy [sticking his head out Michael's window on the bus] You don't need one to get in. Plus, we can just have it sent to him down in Mexico. Guy guy Hey, right? Michael michael Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you? Phyllis phyllis Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them. Michael michael Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts? Phyllis phyllis Tell them that I'm in a meeting. Michael michael Michael, I'm just about to close a sale. Can I authorize a 15% discount? Dwight dwight No, you may not. Michael michael Gah! Dwight dwight I think it's really cool, Michael. I wish I had a job that I could just leave. Erin erin Thank you. Michael michael [looking at Erin] Save me an aisle seat, Michael! I'm coming! Andy andy I will not stand idly by while these Mexican villagers are sick. Andy andy We're actually building them a school. Guy guy Whatever. I won't-I won't stand for it. Andy andy [waving goodbye as the bus drives away] See you in a few months. Michael michael If the whole world were like you guys, we wouldn't have so many problems. Girl girl Mm. That's not gonna happen. Michael michael We're one in a million. Andy andy I know. Nobody I know would leave their jobs and friends and families to do manual labor for three months. Girl girl Well, you know what, everybody thinks that I am crazy, and that tells me that I am the sanest person I know. So... Michael michael Just a heads up. Probably gonna be borrowing a few things. Uh, gonna need a contact lens case, some sunscreen, some sandals... Andy andy [standing in the church sanctuary, talking to the stained glass] Why you always got to be so mean to me? Toby toby [seeing Cece gone from the couch he left her] Uh, MeeMaw, where's Cece? Jim jim I don't know. I lost the purse too. Sylvia sylvia Okay. Jim jim Good-bye, Lackawana County. Andy andy How long till we get to Mexico? Michael michael Well, two days minus how long we've been on the road. 45 minutes? So, like, two days basically. Maybe more. Andy andy Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What? Michael michael I don't know, I thought it was like a gymnasium or... Andy andy Why aren't they building it themselves? Michael michael They don't know how. Andy andy Do we know how? I don't know how. You know how? Michael michael Well, Carla knows. Andy andy Carla knows. Oh, I feel like there were so many more people on this bus. There were, like, 200, 300 people before. Hey, Carla? Carla? Hi. What are you doing? Michael michael Oh, trying to sleep. Carla Fern carla-fern What is happening? Oh, God, what is happening? Michael michael Do you smell like a weird, warm cheese? Andy andy Oh, God, you know what? I'm gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday. Michael michael And the Christmas party. Andy andy And Cinco de Mayo. Michael michael Nah, no. We'll be back before that. Andy andy No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven't even started. Now we're those lazy bums. I gotta get off this bus. Michael michael Hey, guys, has anybody seen the baby? Jim jim Here's her carrier, but no Cece. Phyllis phyllis Jim, Jim, I want to give a toast. Where's the little girl of honor? Jim's Dad jims-dad I don't know, dad. I don't know. Jim jim I don't mean to bug, but do you know when those subs are due into port? I got a hungry bunch of Mcphersons over there. Doug doug I don't know. Hey, have you seen my baby? Jim jim I think maybe some blonde lady had her. Doug doug A small blonde woman? Jim jim Smaller than me. Doug doug Uh, everyone? Everyone, can I just have your attention? Has anyone seen a small-[pointing to Angela] Stop that tiny blonde woman! She stole my baby! Jim jim [as Kevin runs to grab her] What are you doing? Angela angela [reaching into her purse] Give me the baby! Kevin kevin What? Kevin! Angela angela [holding the baby, walks up to Jim] Hi, honey. I was just changing the baby. Helene helene [baby voice] Hi. Jim jim [walks up] Honey. Pam pam [to Cece] Hi. [to everyone] All right. Travel safe, Angela. Jim jim Did you think I stole your baby? Angela angela What's that? Oh, yeah, back then I did. Just now. So, don't, because I've got my eye on you. Jim jim [gasping as he looks into Angela's purse] Look at these scones, Jim. Thousands of them. What kind of a person steals scones from a baby? Kevin kevin Someone put them in my bag. Angela angela [to Pam] So that was lunch, eh? Mcpherson troop, let's haul out. Rendezvous at Friendly's. Doug doug Did you lose Cece? Pam pam Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. I did. Jim jim Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something? Michael michael I can make myself cry. Andy andy Do that. Do it. Michael michael Should I-I got it. I got it. [walks up to the bus driver] Um, hey, I saw a sign for a scenic overlook coming up. Really love to check out the view. Andy andy Can't stop. We're on a schedule. Bus driver bus-driver Well, uh, there's a nice bistro coming up. We could pick up some Paninis for the road. Andy andy Maybe we'll stop in Tennesseee. It's not safe to talk to a driver. Bus driver bus-driver [having walked up to the front] Okay, driver, driver, if you're not gonna stop this bus, then I'm going to stop it for you. Okay? Hang on. [pulls the string to request a stop, makes a dinging sound] Michael michael Stopping in Tennessee. Bus driver bus-driver Hey, is there a problem, you guys? Guy guy Yeah, just get him to stop the bus, please. Michael michael Why? Guy guy Just make him stop the freaking bus! Andy andy Stop the bus, okay? Michael michael Are you okay, sir? Carla Fern carla-fern I didn't sign up for this. You guys are young, that's great. You want to give back to society. I've done that. I need to take. Michael michael You have plenty left to give. You're doing- Girl girl Blah-di-blah! Michael michael It doesn't matter. Andy andy We could go back and forth all day. It's not gonna solve anything. Michael michael If we went to Mexico, we'd probably screw everything up anyway. Andy andy Do you want that for little Jessica? No, you don't. And the answer is clear. Stop the bus. Okay? Michael michael Stop the bus! Andy andy [shouting and clapping] Stop the bus! Stop the bus! {Michael} and {Andy} michael andy Okay, stop the dang bus. Guy guy [bus stopping] Okay, well, a pleasure. Go save the world. We'll keep an eye on America for you. Michael michael [getting off the bus] Wait for me! [bus drives away] Don't say anything to my parents. Another guy another-guy [driving up to pick up Michael, Andy, and kid off the road] Get in quick. Erin erin Why quick? Michael michael So it's faster. Erin erin Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church? Erin erin Is anyone still at the church? Michael michael No, actually most of them went to go see a movie. Erin erin What? Shut up. Michael michael Yeah. Kevin suggested it, and then they all went in Meredith's minivan. Erin erin It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies. Michael michael I bet. You guys. Erin erin Can I come? [silence] Guy guy Oh, Lake Wobblegone's on. Do you guys-are you cool with that? Erin erin "... banana bread, but Fred Nordquist had no appetite. He was thinking about his pair of new boots. It'd been ten years after all. As he told Mrs. Nordquist, it would take two years to get comfortable with the new boots." Radio radio