Hey Jim, Jim. Come here. [holds up photo] Do you know who that is? Michael michael No. Jim jim Look at him. Look at him - t-shirt, jeans... Michael michael Is he you? Jim jim [laughs] I am flattered. That's Johnny Depp. Michael michael Where did you take that? Jim jim In my condo complex. Michael michael Oh my God, that's right. I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton. Jim jim I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie. Michael michael Sure. That they should do one. Jim jim [feigning accent] Hey, Jim, Jim - where, where do I find the Black Pearl? Michael michael Who's that? Jim jim Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim. Michael michael John Dillinger. Jim jim No. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Michael michael Captain Crunch. Jim jim Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it's not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you'd seen Roger Clemens? Michael michael At the Yankees game. Yeah. Jim jim Yeah. Well, it wasn't him. Michael michael I had a little better reason to believe that... You're right. You're right. Well, you're not right, because Johnny Depp... Jim jim I know, I know. Michael michael ...in your condo complex. Jim jim I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman. Michael michael M. Night Shulman? Jim jim [speaking at a staff meeting] First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost, so please, try not to lose anything until we find it. Ah, pet day. If you don't have a pet, please don't feel like - Michael michael When are we getting to sales topics? Stanley stanley Yeah, what about those leads? Did you hear anything from corporate? Dwight dwight Ah, yes, the leads. The leads that Sabre has spent $50,000 to get from a market research company... are not here yet. But will be.. [muttering, people rise to leave] No, no, meeting's not over. Michael michael But is there anything relevant to the sales staff here? Phyllis phyllis No sales topic per se. Michael michael Well then no Andy Bernard per se. [Andy and others begin exiting the room] Andy andy Dwight? Michael michael Sorry, Michael, I got calls to make. Dwight dwight I would like your undivided attention, please. Michael michael You couldn't handle my undivided attention. Dwight dwight Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it's kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was: Michael michael Listen, Michael - about what happened earlier. Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael When I was asking about the leads. Dwight dwight M-hmm. Michael michael ... is there any news on the leads? Dwight dwight Is that all you have to say to me? Michael michael Yeah. You got any news on the leads? ... Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm going out on a very important sales call. You get any news about the leads, you try me. All of my numbers. All six of my numbers, okay? Including the car phone! [leaves office] Alright, Dwight out! Dwight dwight Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself? Dwight dwight Hm-hm. Do you not answer e-mails anymore? Because I've e-mailed you four times asking you to come to my desk. Angela angela Honey, if I don't have time to answer an e-mail, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk. Phyllis phyllis Wow, wowie wowie. Congratulations. It's a big cheque. [Jim stands in corner, texting] Michael michael Oh, sorry, wait one second. Jim jim Stop sexting Pam. I'm trying to congratulate you. Michael michael This is actually a big potential sale, so... Jim jim You writing your memoirs over there? Michael michael You writing your name over there? Jim jim Well, it's a pretty big check. Michael michael That's good. You know, with the kid. Jim jim Okay. Don't gloat. Here's the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people. Michael michael Alright, here we go. [taps page] Michael... Jim jim I'm just saying, that - Michael michael Michael - [Michael signs] Great. Jim jim [on phone] Very nice. Let me just, let me just write that down real quick. [motions to Darryl] Pencil? Can you give me that pencil? Hang on Teddy... [covers phone] I'm making a sale. Sales. Andy andy There's other pencil's in this office. Darryl darryl Give me that [wrestles with Darryl, Andy falls over chair and to the floor] Andy andy Honey and jelly sandwich time. [removes lunch from fridge] Michael michael Michael. Darryl darryl Oh, you got to be kidding me. [holds up squashed sandwich] Look at that. That's - Michael michael I know who did that. Darryl darryl You saw who did this and you didn't stop them? Michael michael Didn't have to see. It was sales. I can feel it. They are out of control. Darryl darryl The sales department smashed my sandwich. Michael michael Yes. All of 'em. Together. It's a conspiracy. Listen to me, Mike, you gotta do something about them. Darryl darryl You don't get it. Michael michael You need to get back on top. Darryl darryl That's what she said. Michael michael Yeah. Darryl darryl Yeah. Michael michael Something came for you, Michael. [hands him a parcel] Erin erin Thank you very much. Michael michael What'd you get? Jim jim Ah, just the stupid leads. Michael michael Alright! Jim jim About time. Stanley stanley Me likey! Andy andy Finally, Michael. Hand 'em over, numbnuts. [Michael stares at her incredulously] But seriously. It's your job to give us those leads. Phyllis phyllis Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you don't. Not even Sabre owns this place. It's a rental. I'm kind of sick of the attitude around here. I'm sick of the cocky walk, I am sick of you throwing your paycheck in my face, I am sick of your uppity attitude, Jim... I think I am not going to give these to you. [Angela, Kevin and Oscar applaud] Michael michael We need those leads, Michael. It's our job Michael. Michael! Stanley stanley [on phone] Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out. Gabe gabe Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just - imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice-cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice-cream cone. Michael michael Michael, I don't want to incentivise murder. But - we've tried to make it clear that our policy emphasises sales staff - Gabe gabe They act like I have no power. Michael michael But you do. You are in charge - Gabe gabe Thank you. Michael michael - of supporting the sales staff. You are required to hand out those leads, Michael. Gabe gabe Hmm. Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that. Michael michael Okay, good. Gabe gabe Exactly that. Michael michael Good. Gabe gabe Exactly that. Michael michael Why do you keep repeating - [Michael hangs up] Gabe gabe Hello. May I have everyone's attention, please? Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads, so I'm going to give the leads to... King Creed! [hands him a lead] Michael michael What are you - Phyllis phyllis - and to King Meredith! [hands her a lead] Michael michael They aren't salespeople! Stanley stanley And to King Angela! [hands her a lead] Because today we are all kings. And queens [pats Oscar's shoulder]. Michael michael What the hell do you think you're doing? Phyllis phyllis I'm giving them the leads, Phyllis. Michael michael Hey. Jim jim Hey. Michael michael So I'm going to go ahead and save you some time, and tell you that no-one's going to go along with this. But you knew that, right? Jim jim Mm-hmm. Michael michael Alright. So why don't you just give me my share of the leads, and I'll start making some calls? Jim jim Okay. [passes Jim some index cards] Michael michael Hey, alright. Jim jim Alright. Michael michael Ahh, these aren't leads. What are they? Jim jim Oh, right, those are clues. And within each clue is a lesson. You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead. The leads are scattered all over the industrial park. I am trying to make your kids respect you. Because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic? Michael michael I don't think you understand - Jim jim I do understand it. Michael michael [holds up card] This one's a map. Jim jim Or is it? Michael michael Oh, how the tables have turned. I see you got my e-mail. Angela angela Are you gonna give me the leads or not? Phyllis phyllis I'll give you the leads. But you know what? It's going to cost you some clerical work [hands her a mountain of paperwork] Angela angela What are these for? Phyllis phyllis It doesn't matter. Fill them out. All of them. Then when you're done, you can watch me shred them. Angela angela I want to watch the Kardashians! I don't want to watch boring - Kelly kelly It's my - Ryan ryan The Kardashians is a good show. Stanley stanley No it's - how would he even know the Kardashians? Ryan ryan It's about a family. A real-life family. Kelly kelly No, Stanley, do you - Ryan ryan [over phone] Hey baby, what's up? Pam pam I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you? Jim jim Nothing but vomit and diapers over here. Pam pam Oh my god, I couldn't envy you more. Jim jim Having a baby is as exhausting as they say it is. Having two babies [holds up index cards] - that's just unfair. Jim jim How about this one - 'When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place.' Jim jim He means his mopey place, it's under that streetlamp that he thinks was in Casablanca. Pam pam I love you. Jim jim Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. [cuts to Jim fishing one of the leads out of a catering size tin of Ravioli] A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally [clue next to Jim reads: Michael michael Hey. I guess you probably won't give me your leads since I'm a jerk salesman. Andy andy Yeah. I basically wish you were dead. [grins] I hid the leads. Erin erin Where? Andy andy [mimes zipping mouth and throwing away key, Andy begins to walk away] Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. [Andy hovers his hands above her chest] Hotter. Pretty hot. Lower. Erin erin Are you... Andy andy Lower. Erin erin Are you sure? Andy andy Lower [tilts head toward her desk, then flips over her keyboard, revealing the leads. Andy scratches his head, recovering] Erin erin What are you doing, idiot? [Jim is crouched down, peering under a car] Dwight dwight Michael's stupid scavenger hunt. Jim jim Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. [grabs card] 'The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president.' Dwight dwight [taps car] Lincoln. Jim jim The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha. Dwight dwight [holds up the retrieved lead] It involves you too. Jim jim The leads are in? Dwight dwight Michael? Michael, you were supposed to tell me when the leads came in. Dwight dwight Well, bigshot, 'If you want to find your leads, go to the man who never breathes'. Michael michael Kevin! Damnit [runs over to Kevin's desk] Kevin, give me those leads. Where are they? C'mon - Dwight dwight You are never going to find them. Kevin kevin Really. Dwight dwight I'm going to enjoy this. Kevin kevin [begins to strangle him] Gimme the leads. Where are my leads? Dwight dwight [muffled] I'm still enjoying it. Kevin kevin Where are they? Dwight dwight Turn the trash. Turn the trash. Kevin kevin Turn the trash [releases him - Kevin coughs] It's code. Alright, Meredith, take off your dress. Dwight dwight [stands up and reaches for her buttons] Okey-dokey. Meredith meredith No, dear god, no, it's in the trash can. In the kitchen. Kevin kevin It's coming off anyway. Meredith meredith [dashes to kitchen, overturns the trash can, tastes the bin liner] Clean sack. Dwight dwight What - Kevin kevin I emptied it in the dumpster. With Toby's baba ganoush. Erin erin If we don't patronise the only Syrian restaurant in town, there'll be nothing left but pan pizzas and make-your-own salads. Toby toby [dives into dumpster, rattling noises then he emerges] It's empty! Dwight dwight Wait. What day is today? Michael michael Um, tonight is Ghost Whisperer. So, Friday. Kevin kevin Oh my god. Oh my god [takes off running] oh my god, no, no no, hey, hey [chases after garbage van] wait, wait! Michael michael Okay. You know what, let's just go to the dump, start looking - Ryan, c'mon, shotgun in my car - Michael michael Michael, why would we all go to the dump? Phyllis phyllis Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say, 'Hi, you know those very valuable expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? Well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, they're now in the city dump." Michael michael Not your staff, Michael. You. Stanley stanley Well, that's not the way it's going t sound. Here's what we're going to do. We'll go to the dump, we'll look around, then we'll all go out and get pizza, maybe catch a movie, late-night drink, some more pizza, call it a night. What do you - Michael michael Does it have to be pizza? Could go for a, falafel? Toby toby Really? Michael michael I'm not going. You did this, not us. Angela angela Okay, no, you encouraged it. You were complicit [looks to Jim for vocab-reassurance] Complicit. You were all successories! Michael michael That sounds fun, mucking around in the dump. Wish I could go. Darryl darryl You can. Michael michael I can't. You know that. Darryl darryl Okay fine, I get it. I'll just go by myself. Michael michael I'll go, Michael. You'll just screw it up. Dwight dwight [looks around dump] This place has gone to hell. Dwight dwight You know, Dwight, there was a time when you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me. Michael michael Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak. Dwight dwight Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you don't believe me, look in my gutters. Michael michael [to Oscar] You're adorable. You need to go for it. [Jim enters the break room] I'm going to be, like, mad at you if you don't - Kelly kelly Phew! Can't wait for this day to be over. Jim jim Why? Kelly kelly Just all the - drama. Jim jim What drama? Kelly kelly Between the - us and you guys. It's unnecessary, right? Jim jim So unnecessary. Kelly kelly Oh, good, phew, thank god you said that. Jim jim I mean, if the salesmen weren't acting like such a bunch of stuck-up losers, then this day wouldn't be so bad - did you ever think of that? Kelly kelly I have new baby pictures. Jim jim Don't use your cute baby to make us like you. Kelly kelly She's wearing a onesie [holds out his cell phone, Oscar leans in but Kelly grabs his arm] Jim jim If we act nice now, then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly. Stanley stanley Didn't we kind of start it? Jim jim I think you're remembering that wrong? Phyllis phyllis Yeah. Andy andy I don't know about this. I mean, I think we should hold our ground. The company's changed, and if they don't like it, they can leave. I mean, a lot of their work can be done from India. Phyllis phyllis Can we at least all agree that this is uncomfortable, and may be heading for something bad? Jim jim All those who agree, say aye [all present - Stanley, Andy and Phyllis - raise their hands] All those opposed - Andy andy I don't think we need opposed. Jim jim [kicking through rubbish at the dump] You've changed, man. Michael michael Oh, why, because I have a shot at a $100k commission? Dwight dwight Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent. Michael michael Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes. Dwight dwight No, I'm talking about your personality, Dwight. Michael michael When I first met you, I had a lot of job offers. And I had an offer from Ivan Schartsky. The Ivan Schartsky. And if I'd assistant managed him - Dwight dwight Assistant to the managed him - Michael michael Oh, that's low! I would be number two right now at Home Depot! Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you - you, going nowhere. Dwight dwight You think you would have done better without me? Really? Michael michael I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs. Dwight dwight Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend - I shouldn't have been hanging out watching karate movies with you - Michael michael Kung-fu movies! Dwight dwight You know what, I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars, finding my soul-mate, finding my wife, making babies - Michael michael Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars. Dwight dwight That's my wife you're talking about, man. Michael michael Your made-up wife? Who doesn't exist? [Michael picks up a piece of metal and hurls it at Dwight, who sidesteps] You watch it! Dwight dwight If I wanted to hit you, I would have hit you. Michael michael Don't do it [lobs something at Michael] Dwight dwight No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, Dwight. [they throw volleys of rubbish at each other] No, time out, time out. [Michael inspects a box, then hurls it at Dwight] Time in! Michael michael No! [lunges for a large wooden spool] Dwight dwight Don't even think about that [Dwight begins rolling it towards Michael, as he reaches him Dwight kicks it and falls backward. The spool comes to a halt in front of Michael, and Michael pushes it towards Dwight.] Michael michael [kicks spool] Stop it, get out! That's my spool. Dwight dwight What's the least we can do to make this okay? Phyllis phyllis I'll text Pam. She's really good at this stuff. Jim jim And I'll text Erin. She's really good at this stuff too. Andy andy I guess we could give them some of our new commissions. Phyllis phyllis That is a dangerous precedent. Stanley stanley Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods. Jim jim Oh, if they don't have an iPod by now they really don't want one. Phyllis phyllis Alright. Then we're back to cash. And I got to say, if giving a small percentage of our commissions is going to smooth all this over, I'm for it. Jim jim Okay, fine. Cash it is. Phyllis phyllis Erin just texted me back. 'People love shells from far-away beaches". Andy andy Okay, Dwight. Here we go [picks up a sink, spills dump juice on his pants] oh god. Michael michael Oh [half-heartedly throws something] Dwight dwight We're never going to find those leads, are we? [they both sit on the edge of a claw-footed bathtub] Michael michael [surveys the mountains of trash surrounding them] Wow. Amazing, isn't it. No other animal on earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this. Dwight dwight So how about, guys, one percent commission a month instead of two, what do you - Phyllis phyllis No, we agreed, two percent for the quarter. Okay [others enter] Hey everybody! Jim jim [stares at the table filled with treats] Nice spread. We get it. You eat like royalty. Meredith meredith No, no - this is a representation of how we feel. And how we feel is: Jim jim This [picks up racquet] Why would somebody throw that out? Michael michael Hey [holds up an old sweater] You know who'd like this? Phyllis. Purple, much? Dwight dwight Yeah, she does - she loves purple. [Dwight sniffs it] Does it stink? Michael michael Yeah [puts it back in the bath tub] Dwight dwight Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That's it. And the caption would read: Michael michael [drives into office parking lot, honking horn. Enormous purple object strapped to the roof of their car] Woo hoo! Dwight dwight Good news that you found our leads? Stanley stanley No! Better! Michael michael We have an awesome bean bag chair that's perfect for the break room. [reaches out the window and pats it] Dwight dwight Yuck. I'm not going to sit on that disgusting seat. Phyllis phyllis Yeah, damn right you're not. 'Cause it's for me and Michael only [they both cheer and high-five] Dwight dwight [at dump] It's freezing out here. Andy andy [strips off jacket] Go on. I have warm blood. [tries to drape her small jacket across Andy's back] Erin erin Oh wow, thank you. You're the nicest person I've ever met. [Andy and Erin kiss] Andy andy