[screaming, Phyllis and Dwight wrestling] Got you! Broken arm! Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom! Ha, gonna flip you! Dwight dwight Once a year Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate... because as we all know, the one thing thousand year martial arts do all the time is change. Jim jim How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum... and you are attacked by triads... how can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch [screams, pretends to punch Meredith in the throat] Dwight dwight OK, so there's no defense for that, good to know. Jim jim No, there is a defense for that. Let me demonstrate. Someone attack me. Kevin, go! Dwight dwight No way. Last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace. Kevin kevin False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me! Dwight dwight OK, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you. Jim jim That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present. Dwight dwight So let's just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch. Now how would you, Dwight, defend against it? Jim jim Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes. [gives himself a fake throat punch] Block. Grasp wrist as such. [grasps wrist] Dwight dwight And what if he comes at you with the other hand, because he does have two. Jim jim Good point. Second, throat punch, absorb the blow. [gives himself another throat punch and proceeds to both attack and defend himself] Groin punch, hip block, elbow to the gut. Uh oh, up to the nose. No, you're not. Ow! Oh! Dwight dwight Oh my God, he's making you look like such a fool. Jim jim He really is, but not for long. [steps on foot] Ow! Instep, oh, not again. [more screaming] You let go, you let go. Oh, you're right, I can't hold on. Dwight dwight You two are so evenly matched I don't know how one of you is going to get the upper hand. Jim jim The important thing to remember Jim... we always have what is called the element of surprise. [hits himself in the groin and moans] Dwight dwight But I would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand up comedy. Michael michael I did stand up comedy once. Andy andy You did? Michael michael Yeah, I killed. Andy andy That sounds like it was hilarious. Michael michael It was hilarious. Andy andy Michael? Dwight dwight Yes? Michael michael What is the meaning of this email that everyone got? Dwight dwight You'll have to be more specific Dwight, I get like eight emails a day. Michael michael This one, from David Wallace to all Dunder Mifflin. Dwight dwight Woo hoo, shout out! Michael michael Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that it's all conjecture. If there's any concrete news you will know ASAP. Dwight dwight Erin, do we have the journal? Michael michael Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule. Erin erin Did you? Michael michael Michael, he means the Wall Street Journal online. Pam pam Oh, the Wall. Michael michael I found the article. [everyone walks over to his desk, he begins reading the article] "On a day marked by panicked corporate board meetings, one that is relatively not surprising is Dunder Mifflin's. It is rumored that they will recommend... " and the article cuts off. Oscar oscar It's $1.99 to finish the article. I wonder what it was going to say? [no one makes a move to pay for the article] Michael michael Are you serious? [starts typing on the computer and Andy begins to lean in toward the computer] Jim jim I got it, I got it... Oh, Tuna beat me to it. Andy andy "It is rumored that they will recommend declaring bankruptcy." Phyllis phyllis No, no, that doesn't make any sense. Michael michael Oh lord, we're all gonna lose our jobs. Stanley stanley Not necessarily, bankruptcy could mean a lot of things. Maybe they're just restructuring to get out of debt. Oscar oscar Oh, that sounds awful. Michael michael Or it could mean the end of Dunder Mifflin. Oscar oscar Oh God. Well, that's an interesting theory. Michael michael You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize. Dwight dwight I'm sorry, Michael, David's in a meeting. David Wallace's Secretary david-wallaces-secretary Ah, well maybe you should spy on him. [in Valley Girl voice] Oh my God, wouldn't that be hilarious! [laughs] Michael michael Um, I'll just have him call you back. David Wallace's Secretary david-wallaces-secretary OK, OK. Good. I'll catch you on the flippity flip. Bye. [hangs up phone] He's busy, he'll call me back when he's free. Michael michael [retching sounds coming from the men's bathroom, Kevin walks to the door and goes in] Michael, are you OK? Did you throw up in there? Kevin kevin No, I'm just poopin'. You know how I be. Michael michael It smells like throw up in here. Kevin kevin Crazy world. Lotta smells. Michael michael [in lunch room with several coworkers] Guys, what if this is our last day at work? What if we never see each other ever again? [Andy scoffs and looks over at Erin, Erin looks sad] Kelly kelly I like Erin. There, I said it. I was kinda hoping she would ask me out, but things have not panned out on that front, so... it is time for the Nard Dog to take matters into his own paws. Andy andy [Michael in his office playing music loudly, Jim walks in and turns the volume down, Michael trailing off on singing] We have to do something because people are losing it out there wondering what's going to happen. Jim jim OK, we need some sort of distraction for everybody. Anything new on YouTube? Doesn't even need to be good. Oh God, I can't think, need more Mullins. Michael michael Listen, Wallace said these were just rumors, right? So we have no reason to think the company is anything but fine. So if we just go on with our work, you and me, they'll follow along. Jim jim Monkey see, monkey do. Michael michael That's it. Jim jim Monkey pee all over you. Michael michael That rhymes, so what have we on the docket today? Jim jim We have a monthly staff meeting Michael michael Alright, let's conference room it up! [everyone is now in the conference room] Here's the deal guys. There is no new information as of yet, so I suggest we all just keep working. Jim jim Sure I'm a little nervous, but doing our work will make us feel better. I only slack off when things are good. Jim jim Customers have to use the coupon code from the website. And as of now there is no differentiation between the letter O and the zero, but we are working on that. Stay tuned for that. Jim jim [Michael leaves] He needs me. Seat saved infinity. [leaves] Dwight dwight OK, great. Jim jim [walks back in, on cell phone] What? Oh my God! [everyone starts asking questions] There has been a murder. There's been a murder in Savannah. [runs back to his office] Michael michael Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents' divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation. I don't think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across. Michael michael [reading the game box cover] Belles, Bourbon and Bullets, a murder mystery dinner party game. Meredith meredith It is so much fun. Everybody plays a character, we go around the room, we try to figure out who did it... Michael michael Hey, I am wondering if this is a, uh, terrible idea. Jim jim This is my call Jim, big picture stuff, it's about murder. Michael michael I thought we agreed that we wouldn't do things like this. Jim jim Tube City, you owe me one. Michael michael Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one. Jim jim August the 5th, 1955. It's a sad day down here in Savannah. Local magnate Bill Bourbon was killed last night and all y'all have congregated tonight for a meal to celebrate Bill as he passes on to his great reward. You're not just here to pay your respects, you have to figure out which of y'all is the no-count scoundrel who killed him. Voice on CD player voice-on-cd-player This is ridiculous. [gets up to leave, as does Angela] Stanley stanley There will be food. You leave, you do not get food. Michael michael What kind of food? Stanley stanley Sandwich platters. Michael michael I'm in. [sits back down] Stanley stanley Baby carrots. [Angela sits back down] Michael michael OK, here are your character cards. Take one, pass it down. Here is your prop box, some of your characters will have props. Now, on your character card, it tells you who you are, and what your alibi is. Everything else is up to your imagination. So, if you talk slowly in real life, your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse. Michael michael Whoa, I'll try it. Kevin kevin OK, use your imaginations. Michael michael Who'd you get? Andy andy Naughty Nellie Nutmeg, a vivacious young socialite with a penchant for scandal. Erin erin Oooooo, saucy. Andy andy How about you? Erin erin Nathaniel Nutmeg, the local bartender and Nellie's brother. Andy andy Michael, I don't like this game. It's scary. Angela angela It's not scary. Michael michael I don't like my character. Angela angela Who are you? Pam pam Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch doctor of the Savannah swamps. I'm not comfortable with this. [holds up a head] Angela angela Well how do you think I feel? I mean I have to play Caleb Crawdad, handsome playboy. Every night, a different woman. Being oogled. Having to hug and kiss and spoon, I make them feel beautiful. Michael michael [looks at Oscar who is using his phone, grabs it] Well, well, well. What is this contraption, I do declare? Michael michael It's my blackberry Michael, I am trying to get updates on the company. Oscar oscar Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare. Michael michael You don't have to keep saying "I do declare". Any time you say something it means you are declaring. Ryan ryan That is the way Southern people talk. Michael michael And what Designing Woman are you basing that on? Jim jim Delta Burke, I do declare. Now, shall we get to the mystery? Michael michael I'll go. [stands up, begins speaking with a southern accent] My name is Deborah U. Tante. Deb for short. Pam pam That's clever, Debutante. Andy andy Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug. Pam pam Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump. Meredith meredith I do not. Pam pam Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth. Andy andy Oooo, now do the Swedish chef. Kevin kevin Uh, not familiar, what province is he from? Andy andy He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass. Kevin kevin You know, I think I'm supposed to say something to Pam, I mean, Deb, OK? [in character] I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept. Phyllis phyllis Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm the butler. You were listening in on that? You rich people. You think you can do whatever you want to the servant class! Dwight dwight No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing. Michael michael I will poison your food. Dwight dwight I reckon I got something to say to Miss Beatrix Bourbon, if'n she don't mind. Andy andy Oooooo, doggie, we got a party now! Michael michael I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really diving into their characters. Michael michael Y'all. Kevin kevin [Creed pulls into the parking lot and goes into the office] Sorry I'm late, boss. What's going on? Creed creed [accent] Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect. Michael michael OK. Hang on just a second. Let me just settle in and I'll be right back. Creed creed Very good, very good. Now, no one was there in the wine cellar. [Creed gets in his car and drives away] Michael michael [in character] Hey there young lady. Andy andy Hello. Erin erin I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend. Andy andy Sounds like a plan, Sugar. Erin erin Alright, a plan it is. Andy andy Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the Dark Arts. Dwight dwight It's not my fault, I was exposed to Harry Potter. Angela angela I know you did it! Dwight dwight I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore I know the killer to be Phyllis, AKA Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect. Dwight dwight [in character] Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses. Kevin kevin Well, you know ol' Nellie's always up for a romp in the hay. Erin erin How about a threesome? Meredith meredith Yeah, my boudoir's always open. Erin erin Nice. Kevin kevin I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer. Andy andy I just got an email from corporate, specifically for Accounting to stop all payments to our vendors. Oscar oscar What does that mean? Phyllis phyllis Well, maybe nothing but it could mean a problem with liquidity- Oscar oscar [accent] Whoa. What's this strange Yankee accent coming out of your mouth, son? This here's Savannah. Michael michael [tries to speak in a high-pitched southern accent] This plantation, we're running low on greenbacks. We're having problems paying the people who give us the seeds and the dirt. We can't pay... [in regular voice] - Michael, I can't - Basically it could mean a lot of things, but it is unprecedented, so it's cause for concern. Oscar oscar OK, I'm going back to work. Jim jim No no no no no no no. [accent] I'm going to skip forward to a relevant clue. Here we go. Michael michael Well by now you've figured out that ol' Beatrix Bourbon was the killer. Voice on CD player voice-on-cd-player Michael, I was doing so well. Phyllis phyllis [accent] Are you going to believe that? That is a mis- that's a misdirection. We still don't know who the murderer is. [everyone leaves] Nellie Nutmeg, come back in here. I can't do this myself. Voodoo Mama Juju... what am I gonna do? Michael michael OK, so Corporate is still in their meeting. Jim jim That could be a good sign. Kevin kevin Hey everyone, Kevin's going to give us his take on the situation. Let's listen up. Angela angela Alright guys, it's a work day and you guys work here, so let's go do some work. Jim jim Now, Jim telling us all to work? I think that is a very good sign. Kevin kevin Don't just say things. Angela angela [Michael walks in] Oh, hey, Michael. Listen, I brought up those sales targets. Do you want to- Jim jim [accent] I do believe you have me mistaken, my name is Caleb Crawdad. Y'all skedaddled way too soon. We need to reopen this case. Michael michael No, you're not reopening the case. The case is closed. Jim jim No it ain't. Michael michael Frankly, I'm not surprised. A lot of the evidence seemed to be based on puns. Dwight dwight Just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. It's funny, the guy's dead the whole time. Andy andy I haven't seen it. Erin erin Speaking of weekends, you excited about our date this weekend? Andy andy [accent] Of course, Nathaniel. Erin erin Yeah, OK. Andy andy [accent] Where are you taking me? Erin erin [accent] Well, finest steakhouse in all Savannah. Andy andy [accent] Savannah? That's a far way from Scranton. Erin erin Did you mean a real date? Andy andy No. [laughs] Did you? Erin erin Totally... not. [Erin gets up and walks away] Andy andy I thought it was for real. So I was excited, but it was just, it was part of the game. Erin erin You're sure it was water, it couldn't have been acid? Dwight dwight I already declared you, it was too dark to tell. Michael michael Stop playing games with me, Crawdad. Dwight dwight This is not a game, this is my life. You are out of order, sir. Michael michael Answer me. Dwight dwight You are out of order. Michael michael You are out of order. Dwight dwight You are- Michael michael I think Michael may have snapped. Pam pam Or maybe he's just stuck in character. Jim jim Well, which is worse? Snapped or stuck? Pam pam Both. They're both worse. Jim jim It's going to be alright. We're a good company, we'll figure this out. We're not going under. Jim jim Jim, what if we both lose our jobs? I'm trying to think of a way that this all ends up fine, and I can't think of one. Pam pam [comes into Jim's office using accent] Deb, what in the world - do you have the vapors? Michael michael Michael, not now. Jim jim Can't wait, we have to get you to our witch doctor right now. Come on. Come on. Michael michael I should just go. [accent] Where to now Caleb? Pam pam To Mama Juju Boo Boo. Michael michael Michael, can I... OK, I'm just going to skip right past the what and go with why. Jim jim Because this is the recreation of a crime scene. Michael michael [laying on the ground] I'm the dead body and these are my brain chunks. Meredith meredith Hey shut up. You're dead. Dwight dwight Michael, can I talk to you in your office? Jim jim No Michael here, my name is- Michael michael Caleb! Jim jim Today of all days... Jim jim No, you shut up. They need this game, Jim. Let us have this stupid little game, alright? [Jim nods] Michael michael [accent] Oh, you startled me. My stars, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. What can I do you for? Michael michael Wallace is on the phone. He's returning your call. Erin erin Detective Wallace? Michael michael I don't think so. I think it's David Wallace from Dunder Mifflin. Erin erin Aw, shucks, tell him I'm not here. Michael michael You're not gonna answer the phone? Oscar oscar No, I only answer to Detective Wallace 'cause I got a warm body in the other room. Michael michael I'll take it. Jim jim Hey David. Jim jim Hey, sorry to be getting back to you guys so late. Things are still a bit unclear, we didn't officially decide anything yet. David Wallace david-wallace Oh, OK. Jim jim But if I can be candid with you here Jim, it's not good. We fully expect to be out of money by the end of the year. Insolvent. So, well... You know what? I'm sorry, I have to run. But we will talk soon, OK? David Wallace david-wallace Sure. Oh, you know, while I have you... today I was working on this pitch for a supermarket chain, and it would actually be a big account and I wanted to- Jim jim You know what? I can't really get my head around anything like that right now, but that's great. Keep after it, but I gotta run. David Wallace david-wallace OK. Jim jim Thanks Jim. David Wallace david-wallace See ya. Jim jim [Jim comes out of the office] What's the news? Pam pam Nothing yet. Jim jim Well, I guess that's not- Phyllis phyllis Well there is some bad news. [accent] There has been another murder. Jim jim A murder, you say? I do declare. Michael michael Conference room everyone. Jim jim Do we have to play? Stanley stanley No. Jim jim Super. Stanley stanley Oh, this could be a juicy one. Dwight dwight Get in there! Michael michael I think today was a good day to have two managers. 'Cause if you're a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing. But if the other parent wants to play a game, it's not because they're crazy. It's because they're doing it for the kids. And I get that now. Jim jim There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. [regular voice] Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time. Michael michael [Andy, Michael, and Dwight are pointing imaginary guns at each other] I didn't do it! Andy andy OK, everybody just calm down. Dwight dwight I am calm. Andy andy On the count of three we're all going to put down our guns. Michael michael I have crossbows. Dwight dwight We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three, you ready? Michael michael OK, I'm ready. Dwight dwight One, two, three.. [all scream] Michael michael Andy revealed himself to be a double agent. At which point Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was double agent. And then Michael announced to everybody that - get this- he was a double agent. Oh, and it is 6:00. Jim jim [Michael, Dwight, Andy and now Pam are in the circle and training their 'weapons' on each other, Jim walks in] Really? Jim jim [accent] It wasn't me. I'm not goin' down for this! Pam pam Yeah, I want to go home. Jim jim Get the keys out of my purse, start the car. [Jim and Pam slowly back out of the office, Pam has her weapon trained on everyone and then they run out] Pam pam